Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk."I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
To which she replied,"No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard.
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Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk."I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
To which she replied,"No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard.
[QUOTE=Gdlint; 1118578]
[url]http://www.chilloutzone.net/video/wrong-hole-song.html[/url]
[/QUOTE]No way a nerd like him gets a cutie like her.
Naked joke of the week.
[url]http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=NakedJoke.wmv[/url]
New bra.
[url]http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=New_bra.wmv[/url]
1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to Tuna Town.
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you have both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five Tequila slammers.
3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife needs to ever find out about.
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you have just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.
6. Your wife / girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem; she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A moron.
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. I hope we can still be friends.
B. I'm not in right now; please leave a message at the beep.
C. Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU.
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.
==================
Evaluating Results:
If you answered A more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really ARE a man.
If you answered B more than 7 times, check into therapy. You're a.
Little confused.
If you answered C more than 7 times, YOU the MAN!
He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone.
He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear.
"Just relax."
Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat. I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure.
When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he stroked my chest, I inhaled sharply. Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine to my underwear.
Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not accustomed to taking `no' for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say.
"Okay, ma'am," said a voice."All done."
My eyes snapped open and he was standing in front of me, smiling. Holding out my purse, he said,
"You can board your flight now."
Comedian Bob Nelson has some clever insight on college football.
[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U28mh_arOTc[/url]
A man returns home a day early from a business trip.
It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if.
He would be.
A witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair and.
He wants to.
Catch her in the act. He'll pay $100, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the.
Bedroom.
The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and.
There is.
His wife in bed with another man! The husband puts a gun to the.
Naked man's.
Head. The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I.
Lied when I told you I inherited a lot of money!
HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the.
Monthly dues!
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the.
Gun. He looks.
Over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?
The cabby replies, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before.
He catches.
A cold. '
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Phyllis stood and walked to the podium.
She said,"I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Bob, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could Help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Bob must have experienced.
"Bob was unable to hold me or the children," she went on,"and every move caused him terrible pain.
We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Bob's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Bob.
"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, thank the Lord, Bob is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said,"I'm Bob."
The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."
[QUOTE=Lurker X; 1120353]Comedian Bob Nelson has some clever insight on college football.
[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U28mh_arOTc[/url]
[/QUOTE]Brillant stuff but this is an erotic site. If you find Bob Nelson erotic you need help.
NUDE Girls.
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[QUOTE=A John; 1121660]NUDE Girls.
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[/QUOTE]That's funny, so is this.
[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V77sHgqzWZk&feature=grec_index[/url]
Don came home drunk last night, slid into bed beside his sleeping Karen and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St.
Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Don. ' Don was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back! Please! ' St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken. ' Don was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here? ' 'Not bad, ' replied Don the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside.
Like I'm going to explode! ' 'You're ovulating, ' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before? ' 'Never, ' said Don.
'Well, just relax and let it happen, ' says the rooster. It's no big deal. ' He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood.
He soon laid another egg. His joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.
"Don, wake up! You shit the bed!"
A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO, WHEN A BLONDE IN
ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP, AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS
SECTION AND SITS DOWN.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS, AND ASKS
TO SEE HER TICKET.
SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY
CLASS, AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.
THE BLONDE REPLIES,"I'm BLONDE, I'm BEAUTIFUL, I'm
GOING TO TORONTO AND I'm STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS
THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE
BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN
ECONOMY, AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO
EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY
SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.
THE BLONDE REPLIES,"I'm BLONDE, I'm BEAUTIFUL, I'm
GOING TO TORONTO AND I'm STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD
HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST
THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.
THE PILOT SAYS,"YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'll
HANDLE THIS, I'm MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."
HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR,
AND SHE SAYS,"OH, I'm SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES
BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND
ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT
ANY FUSS.
"I TOLD HER,"FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO ".
[QUOTE=Lurker X; 1121710]That's funny, so is this.
[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V77sHgqzWZk&feature=grec_index[/url]
[/QUOTE]You would think whoever came up with that would at least know:
McDonald's does not serve chicken wings!