What do you call an Iraq hooker?
Sandy
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What do you call an Iraq hooker?
Sandy
A woman walks into an accountant's office and
tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need
to ask you a few questions." He gets her name,
address, social security number, etc. and then asks,
"What is your occupation?"
"I'm a wh*re," she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken back and says,
"No, No, No. That won't work. Let's try to rephrase
that."
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."
"No, that still won't work. Try again."
They both think for a minute; then the woman says,
"I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming
have to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last
year."
"Chicken Farmer it is."
A young couple got married. On their honeymoon, they were very anxious about having sex because they were both virgins. Because of their sexual inexperience, they were a bit uncomfortable discussing the subject so they came up with the term "doing the laundry" to use in place of "having sex."
This made them both more comfortable with the whole concept. Well, the first night of their honeymoon was wonderful. They "did the laundry" 5 times that first night. In the middle of the night the new husband woke up, and he was ready to do the laundry again. He gently shook his new wife and asked her, "Can we do the laundry again?" but she was very tired.
She told him that she just couldn't do it again just yet. Maybe in the morning. A few hours later the new wife awoke feeling very guilty. What he had asked for wasn't unreasonable, and she decided she should go ahead and "do the laundry" with him again.
She gently shook him and said, "Honey, I'm sorry I denied you... We can do the laundry again if you want,"
He replied, "That's ok... It was a small load... I did it by hand."
[QUOTE=Headfirst]There is a morning radio show where the host calls a husband and asks three questions, next the host calls the wife and asks the same questions. If she answers the same as her husband did, then the couple wins a prize. The story goes as follows.
First, the host called the husband.
Host: "How often do you have sex?"
Husband: "3 times a week"
Host: "When is the last time you had sex?"
Husband: "This morning."
Host: "Where?"
Husband: "In the kitchen."
Then the host called the wife, while leaving the husband connected.
Host: "How often do you have sex?"
Wife: "3 times a week."
Host: "When is the last time you had sex?"
Wife: "This morning."
Host: "Where?"
The wife hesitates...
Husband (intervening): "Go ahead Honey, its OK."
Wife (sheepishly): "In the ass...."[/QUOTE]
See here for more on this story:
[url]http://www.snopes.com/radiotv/tv/newlywed.asp[/url]
[QUOTE=A John]The World's Shortest Books:
***********************
FRENCH WAR HEROES
by Jacques Chirac
______________________________________
[/QUOTE]
Reminds me of a long-standing prank on google's search engine. Go to [url]www.google.com[/url] enter [i]french military victories[/i] into the search engine, then hit "I'm feeling lucky".
Try it with [i]liar[/i] & [i]failure[/i] too.
Euphemisms for Penis Enlargement Surgery:
Genetalial Pinocchiotomy
Expanding Drilling Operations in Your
Wildlife Preserve
Doubling the Interest Rate on Your Mutual Fun
Peter Padding
Plumping the Ball Park Frank
Expanding Your "Top 5" to a "Top 9"
Replacing Richard II with Richard III
Puffin' the Magic Dragon
Supersizing Big Mac
Adding a Wing to the Sexual Addiction Unit
Putting the Munchkin on Stilts
Trading in the Escort for a Stretch Limo
Getting a Magic Johnson
Preparing to Boldly Go Where No Manhood has
Gone Before
Turning Crouching Tiger into Hidden Dragon
Upgrading Passenger Johnson to First Class
Taking the Train from Vienna to Frankfurt
1) Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mother.
____________________________________________
2) How do you embarrass an archeologist?
Give him a tampon and ask him which period it came
from.
____________________________________________
3) What's the difference between a who** and a bit**?
A who** sleeps with everybody at the party; A bit**
sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
____________________________________________
4) What's the difference between love, true love, and
showing off?
Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
____________________________________________
5) What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a
Jewish wife?
A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
____________________________________________
6) What makes men chase women they have no intention
of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have
no intention of driving.
____________________________________________
7) What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
No one to talk to during orgasm.
____________________________________________
8) What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a
horse's ass?
A mechanic .
____________________________________________
9) Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand
and a dozen donuts.
____________________________________________
10) Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
The one who can eat that last donut.
____________________________________________
11) Jewish dilemma:
Free PORK.
____________________________________________
12) The three words men hate to hear most during sex:
"Are you in?"
____________________________________________
13) The three words women hate to hear most during sex:
"Honey, I'm home!"
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?" She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" He said, "I want 5 loaves.
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard" He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this shit but me."
A guy thought his wife was cheating on him. He waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her, he found out she was working in a wh*re house. The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $100?"
The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?"
The guy replies that all the cabbie has to do is go inside the wh*re house, grab his wife, put her in the back of the cab, and take them home.
The cabbie goes in. A couple of minutes later, the wh*re house door gets kicked open, and the cabbie starts dragging out this woman who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab. The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here! Hold her!"
The man looks down at the girl and yells to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE!"
The cabbie replied, "I KNOW. IT'S MINE I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!"
Rodney saved for years and years for his dream vacation - a weekend in Nevada, where prostitution was legal. However, since he worked for barely minimum wage, the years stretched into decades and he was ninety-one when he got off the bus in Reno in front of a glitzy bordello. Rodney tottered up to the front desk.
"Isn't this Reno's famous Pleasure Palace?" he asked.
"Why, yes," replied the incredulous receptionist. "How may I help you?"
"Don't you have the most beautiful girls in town lined up and waiting?" Rodney inquired. The receptionist nodded in the affirmative. "Well, I'm here to get some," Rodney said.
"How old are you, Pops?" she asked bluntly.
"I'm ninety-one."
"Ninety-one! Pops, you've had it."
"Oh, really?" A disconcerted look passed over the old man's face as his trembling fingers reached for his wallet. "What do I owe you?"
A redneck family from the hills was visiting the
city and they were in a mall for the first time in
their lives. The father and son were strolling around
while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost
everything they saw, but especially by two shiny,
silver walls that could move apart and then slide back
together again. The boy asked, "Paw, what's that?"
The father (never having seen an elevator)
responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen nuttin'
like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with
amazement, an overweight, elderly lady in a wheel chair rolled up
to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls
opened and the lady rolled between them into a small
room. The walls closed and the boy and his father
watched the small circular number above the walls
light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last
number and then the numbers began to light in the
reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a
gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old blonde woman stepped
out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young
woman, said quietly to his son,
"Boy...go gitcha Momma."
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
A dyslexic guy walks into a bra .....
There are over 11,000 male urologists in the US. But now a few women have entered the field.
I went to a female urologist for an exam. She was rather attractive, even in her doctor's coat. You could see she had nice perky ta-ta's. She said, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say 99."
I did as the doctor instructed and said, "99".
Next, the doctor says, "Great. Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say 99."
Again, I said, "99."
The doctor said, "Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I am going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I am going to hold on to your penis.
Now take a deep breath and say 99."
I said slowly, "One. . . two. . . three."
A man was complaining to a friend, "I had it all - money, a magnificent house, a fast car, the love of a beautiful woman. Then, poof! It was all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend. The man replied, "My wife found out!"