Jokes & Humorous Stories

Little Johnny asked Mom what 2 words mean that kids at school were using. Pussy and b1tch.

Mom inhaled sharply, but then said: "Oh, that's easy. A pussy is a cat, like our little Chico.

A b1tch is a female dog, like our Sandy."

"Thanks, Mom."

He then found his Dad out in the garage.

"Dad, the guys at school are using words I don't understand."

"What words, son?"

"Pussy and b1tch. I asked Mom, but I don't think she told me the right meanings. "

Dad said: "Son, never ask your mother about these things, ask me instead. Let me explain it like this. "

He pulled a Playboy from his workbench, turned to the centerfold, drew a circle around the pubic area and said: "Son, everything inside the circle is pussy. "

"Okay, Dad. Then what's a b1tch?"

Dad replied: "Everything outside the circle."

Just How Hot is it?

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.

This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:

Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment?

A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?

A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?

A. Only a smidgen of it.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?

A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the USA economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka.

If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.

If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan or China.

If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.

If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.

If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.

If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in America by:

1) Spending it at yard sales, or

2) Going to ball games, or

3) Spending it on prostitutes, or

4) Beer or

5) Tattoos.

(These are the only American businesses still operating in the USA)

Conclusion:

Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day!

No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.

Worm Experiment
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?

A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said,

"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well.....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips.

When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says,
"Where in the hell have you been?"

Larry replies,
"I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?!?" she screeched.
"What KIND of tattoo?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my penis,"
he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?!?" she said,
shaking her head in total disgust.
"Why in the world would
an accountant
get a hundred dollar bill tattooed
on his dick?"

"Well, for one, I like to watch my money grow."

"Two, once in a while, I enjoy playing with my money."

"Three, I like how money feels in my hand."

"And, best of all, instead of you going shopping,
you can stay right here at home
and
blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!"

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly
gentleman and an elderly lady
struck up a conversation and discovered that
they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed,
they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they
headed to the river to his fishing boat and
started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a
fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

'Do you want to go up or down?'

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt
and pants and made mad passionate love to the man
right there in the boat !

When they finished, the man couldn't believe
what had just happened, but he had just experienced
the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the
river, when soon they came upon another fork in the
river.

He again asked the lady , 'Up or down ?'

There she went again, stripped off her clothes,
and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so
he asked her to go fishing again the next day..

She said yes and there they were the next day,
riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in
river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'

The woman replied, 'Down.'

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman
guided the boat down the river when he came upon
another fork in the river and he asked the
lady, ‘Up or down?'

She replied, 'Up.'

This really confused the gentleman so he asked,

'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked
you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad
passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'

She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing
my hearing aid and I thought the choices were
f---k or drown

What's the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the bath tub? The woman in church has hope in soul while the woman in the bath tub has soap in her hole.

[url]http://newsfeed.time.com/2010/08/30/switzerland-confidential-behold-the-legal-sex-drive-thru/?hpt=T2[/url]

[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v81v-hAUSQI&feature=grec_index[/url]

What can I say

[QUOTE=Ray Alan]What can I say[/QUOTE]
I love the Bravo food shows too:

Gail Simmons and Padma Lakshmi

[QUOTE=KC Questor]I love the Bravo food shows too:

Gail Simmons and Padma Lakshmi[/QUOTE]


Gail's breasts are sublime. I wanted to see Amanda get naked this season.

The comercial that she did for the fast food joint , is still among my favs . It was as close to soft porn as a guy needs, lol .

Honeymoon is over downs

[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-aljgabrHlk&feature=youtube_gdata_player[/url]