Jokes & Humorous Stories

At the Saturday night tent revival the preacher announces,
"Anyone with 'needs' to be prayed over, come forward,
to the front at the altar."

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks:
Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other
hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays,
he prays a blue streak for Leroy.
After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks,
"Leroy how is your hearing now?"

Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't 'til next Wednesday.

My small grandson got lost at the shopping mall.

He approached a uniformed security guard and said,

"I've lost my grandpa!" The guard asked, "What's his name?" "Grandpa"

The guard smiled, then asked, "What's he like?"

The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied,

"Jack Daniels whiskey, and women with big tits."

A Drug Enforcement Administration officer stops at a ranch in Texas and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I'm here to inspect your ranch for marijuana."
The rancher points and says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there."
"Mister," the DEA officer explodes, "I've got the authority of the federal government with me!" He produces his badge from his pocket and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this? This badge means I'm allowed to go wherever I want -- no questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? You understand me, old man?"
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's gigantic Santa Gertrudis bull.
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified.
The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs: "Your badge. Show him your BADGE!"

A Mafia Don finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of TEN MILLION dollars. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is." The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens !"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Sorry if this is not the place for this. I looked in general but did not see a place it would fit their ether.

I say something on TV tonight, they talk about something called Vajazzling. From what little I've read and found pictures for, I was wondering if anyone has come across this anywhere? Piercings, tatoos, Vajazzle, what could possible be the next beauty styling.

[QUOTE=A John]Not sure if this is true, But i like it............<snip>[/QUOTE]

[url]http://www.snopes.com/glurge/fleming.asp[/url]

It's not true, but sure would be great if it were!

A man was sitting on the sofa watching TV when he heard his wife's voice from the kitchen.

What would you like for dinner Love? Chicken, beef or lamb?

He said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken. "

"Fuck You. You're having soup. I was talking to the cat"

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping center and rolled Down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.

She was stretched full-out on the back seat And I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.

I walked to the curb backward, Pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, 'Now you stay. Do you hear me? '

'Stay! Stay! '

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady, Gave me a strange look and said,

'Why don't you just put it in PARK? '

A solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the airports.

Have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you but will DETONATE ANY EXPLOSIVE DEVICE YOU MAY HAVE ON YOU!

It would be a win-win for everyone and there would be none of this crap about racial profiling and this method would eliminate a long and expensive trial. Justice would be quick and swift. Case closed!

This is so simple that it is brilliant. I can see it now: You're in the airport and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system, "Attention, standby passengers, we now have a seat available on Flight number...":)

No, everyone does not realize that most of those Craigslist "Casual Encounters"
ads are entirely bogus:

[url]http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2010/0406101craigslist1.html[/url]

Memo to johns everywhere: When you've paid a gal $50 for some cheap thrills in
a White Castle bathroom, don't call the cops when she fails to meet all your
expectations. Details here:

[url]http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2010/0406102whitecastle1.html[/url]

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no
passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the
time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring.
She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life
became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with
her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on
anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as
often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but
directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet
planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious
that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits

Last night I was talking to a young, good looking woman.

She asked me if I liked breasts or legs.

I told her what I really liked was a shaved snatch.

Apparently, I'm not welcome back at KFC anymore.

A man went into the Job Centre in Downtown Denver, and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.

The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. "

"The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Billings, MT, that's about 550 miles from here. "

"Good grief, is that where the job is? "

"No sir. That's where the end of the line is right now"

[QUOTE=Wolfgang]So in this story ...
you would be the, um,YOUNG MAN[/QUOTE]


An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio , Texas leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but... I've always wanted to."

There are a few lessons for us all here:


Never be arrogant.
Don't waste ammunition.
Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid .