Jokes & Humorous Stories

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.

"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

I took a Cadillac Escalade out for a test drive just to drive that sucker before they become extinct. The salesman sat in the back seat describing the car and all its wonderful options.

The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.

I stated the car must be a Republican car. Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican car and I explained that if it were a Democratic car, the seats would blow smoke up your ass year-round.

I had to walk back to the dealership but it was worth it.

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A Montana rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door.

A young boy, about 9, opened the door "Is your Dad home? " the rancher asked.

"No sir, he isn't, " the boy replied. "He went into town. "

"Well, " said the rancher, "Is your Mother here? "

"No sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad. "

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here? "

"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad. "

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do for you? " the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message for Dad. "

"Well, " said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Jasmine, pregnant. "'

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that, " he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Howard. "

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3. A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a gun is favored over a wife....

#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN and YOUR LICENSE MUST BE RENEWED AFTER 5 YEARS OR IT IS NULL AND VOID.

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects. 1. A Bible. 2. A silver dollar. 3. A bottle of whiskey. 4. And a Hustler magazine. 'I'll just hide behind the door, ' the old preacher said to himself. 'When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would B. And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer. 'The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold. 'Lord have mercy, ' the old preacher disgustedly whispered. 'He's going to run for Congress.'

[url]http://www.dreamindemon.com/2010/03/08/crashed-caused-by-woman-shaving-her-vagina-while-driving/?awesm=fbshare.me_AJhMm[/url]

Cudjoe Key, Florida - I have always wanted to use that headline. Never really thought I would get to, but thanks to 37-year-old Megan Mariah Barnes I get to cross something off my list. Police say that she was driving to meet her boyfriend and wanted to make sure her vagina didn’t look like a panting dog, so she got her former husband to hold the steering wheel while she shaved her bikini line. This resulted in the pair running into the back of a pickup truck whose two passengers receiving minor injuries. Barnes was charged with driving with a revoked license, reckless driving, driving with no insurance, and of leaving the scene of a wreck with injuries. Yes, a revoked license. See, the day before Barnes had lost her license for five years because of drunk driving. She faces up to a year in jail. Traffic() cop Gary Dunick said: “If I wasn’t there, I wouldn’t have believed it. Nothing will ever beat this.”

5 Levels of a Hangover

One Star Hangover (*)

No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 Cokes and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.

Two Star Hangover (**)

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00am Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

Three Star Hangover (***)

Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke -- yet you haven't peed once.

Four Star Hangover (****)

Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else You might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars. Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.

Five Star Hangover (*****)

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over you're a$$. Death sounds pretty good about right now....

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious
Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have s#x.
Nope, no more booze for me.
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Good evening officer isn't it lovely out tonight.
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

ONE

I was walking through the cemetery this morning and
saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone. I said, "Morning."
He said, "No, just taking a shit."

TWO

When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new
bike. Then I realized that God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike
and asked Him to forgive me.

THREE

My girlfriend was in labor with our first child. She was shouting, "Get
this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She looked at me and yelled, "You did this
to me, you bastard!" I casually replied, "If you remember, I wanted to stick
it up your ass but you said, 'That would hurt too uch'."

FOUR

I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual
checkup. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked
why and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

FIVE

I was walking down the road and saw my Afghanistan neighbor Abdul standing
on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's wrong, Abdul? Won't it tart?"


And my fav.
SIX

My girlfriend and I were making love when she looked up at me and said,
"Make love to me like in the movies." So I turned her over on all fours,
stuck it in her ass, flipped her back over ramed my shitty shaft down her throut , pulled out, and came all over her face and hair. I never saw her again after that night.

I guess we don't watch the same movies.

An illegal immigrant picks up a hooker.

"Hey, how much you charge for da hour, sister?" he asks.

"$100," she replies.

In broken English, he says, "Do you do immigrant style?"

"No" she says.

"I pay you $200 to do immigrant style."

"No," she says, not knowing what immigrant style is.

"I pay you $300."

"No," she says.

"I pay you $400."

"No," she says.

So finally he says, "OK, I pay $1,000 to do immigrant style."

She thinks, "Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now.

I've had every kind of request from weirdoes from every part of the world. How bad could immigrant style be?"

So she agrees and has sex with him. Finally, after several hours, they finish.

Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "Hey, I was expecting something perverted

and disgusting. But that was good. So, what exactly is immigrant style?"

The illegal immigrant replies, "You send bill to Government."



AND THAT MY FRIENDLY TAXPAYERS , IS EXACTLY HOW THE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS ARE SCREWING US!

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Have you ever served in the military?"

"Yes, he says, "I was in Iraq for two years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp...."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine against that: When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle." Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor and looks reborn and fresh again.

Woman: "Doc, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk I gargled repeatedly with chamomile tea and he never touched me."

Doctor: "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps?"

Love it.............


[QUOTE=Gdlint]
"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."[/QUOTE]

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place, ' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon? '

'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.

If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift. '

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now. ' I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there? '

'Oh, certainly! ' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.

By tying this string to the tip of our Johnson, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76. 39%.

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back? '

'Well, ' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon. '

Not sure if this is true, But i like it............

His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer. One day, while trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools and ran to the bog.

There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death.

The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse surroundings. An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved.

'I want to repay you,' said the nobleman. 'You saved my son's life.'

'No, I can't accept payment for what I did,' the Scottish farmer replied waving off the offer. At that moment, the farmer's own son came to the door of the family hovel.

'Is that your son?' the nobleman asked.

'Yes,' the farmer replied proudly.

'I'll make you a deal. Let me provide him with the level of education my own son will enjoy If the lad is anything like his father, he'll no doubt grow to be a man we both will be proud of.' And that he did.

Farmer Fleming's son attended the very best schools and in time, graduated from St. Mary's Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin.

Years afterward, the same nobleman's son who was saved from the bog was stricken with pneumonia.

What saved his life this time? Penicillin.
The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill .. His son's name?
Sir Winston Churchill.

Someone once said: What goes around comes around.