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I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic".
"Wow! " I was flabbergasted.
"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have. "
She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".
"Yeah. " I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone. Everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane! "
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.
She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.
Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself! "
So I told her to fuck off.
The dentist pulls out a Novocaine needle to give the man a shot, so he can extract the man's tooth.
'No way! No needles. I hate needles' the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me! The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.
'No objection, ' the patient says. 'I'm fine with pills. '
The dentist then returns and says, Here's a Viagra tablet. '
The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer! '
It doesn't' said the dentist, 'but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth.
"As an American I am not so shocked that Obama was given
The Nobel Peace Prize without any accomplishments to his
Name, but that America gave him the White House based on the same credentials."
**Newt Gingrich**
Dougie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office. But she was dating someone else.
One day Dougie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you.
The girl looked at him, and then said, 'NO! '
Dougie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up. '
She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend.
So she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down. '
She agreed and accepts the proposal.
Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call.
Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, 'What happened? ' Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, 'The bastard had all quarters! '
Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!
Young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.
Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear? " Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.
"Mmm, sounds lovely, " said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself, " she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old. How do you do it? "
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny. I just remove my dentures and suck 'them dry! "
Five surgeons are discussing the types of people they like to operate on.
The first surgeon says: I like to see accountants on my operating
table because when I open them up, everything inside is numbered.
The second surgeon responds: Yeah, but you should try electricians!
Everything inside them is color-coded.
The third surgeon says: No, I really think librarians are the best.
Everything inside them is in alphabetical order.
The fourth surgeon chimes in: You know, I like construction workers.
Those guys always understand when you have few parts left over.
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed:
You're all wrong ----- Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine.
Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable
[QUOTE=A John]Five surgeons are discussing the types of people they like to operate on.
The first surgeon says: I like to see accountants on my operating
table because when I open them up, everything inside is numbered.
The second surgeon responds: Yeah, but you should try electricians!
Everything inside them is color-coded.
The third surgeon says: No, I really think librarians are the best.
Everything inside them is in alphabetical order.
The fourth surgeon chimes in: You know, I like construction workers.
Those guys always understand when you have few parts left over.
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed:
You're all wrong ----- Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine.
Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable[/QUOTE]
A computer engineer is having a beer with an electrical engineer, a mechanical engineer and a civil engineer when he says: God must be an engineer. The Mechanical Engineer says: look at the mechanics of the bones and muscles, I bet he would have been a mechanical engineer. No no says the electrical engineer, look at the nervous system .. he is an electrical engineer. The computer engineer disagrees and says look at the brains, its processing powers and logic algorithms. The Civil Envineer says, I have evidence God is a Civil Engineer: who else would build a sewer system in an entertainment district??
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20. 00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed. Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'if I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business! '
That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, guys just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.
Paddy is planning to marry, he is, and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.
His doctor says, "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit. A small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel. "
Paddy asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor? "
The doctor replies, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue. If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did C. "
You hit her with the shovel.'
My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. She found that the problem was hair in its ears. She cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the pharmacy and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once month.
The lady goes to the pharmacy and gets some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register the Pharmacist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms."
The Pharmacist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."
The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."
The Pharmacist says: "Stay off your bicycle for a week."
[QUOTE=Gdlint]My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. She found that the problem was hair in its ears. She cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the pharmacy and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once month.
The lady goes to the pharmacy and gets some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register the Pharmacist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms."
The Pharmacist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."
The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."
The Pharmacist says: "Stay off your bicycle for a week."[/QUOTE]
How old are you Gdlint? I heard Gene Tracy do this joke in the early '70's. Damn, i'm gett'n old.
A blonde teenage girl, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch, ' he said, 'How much will you charge me? '
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50? '
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house? '
He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it? '
The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess. I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting. '
Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
'You're finished already? ', the startled husband asked.
'Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. '
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50. 00 and handed it to her along with a Ten dollar tip.
'And by the way, ' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.
The Obama Administration will be honoring the 43rd President of the United States.
It has asked the U. S. Board on Geographical Names to name the fault-line in the tectonic area beneath Haiti after him.
The area will now officially be referred to as "Bush's Fault"
A lady was in the delivery room starting to deliver her baby. As the head came out it was dark and had an afro. The doctor said, "Madam, have you ever slept with a black man?"\
"Well, yes, but only once."
"Once is all it takes" he replied.
Then the torso came out and it was yellow.
"Madam, have you ever slept with an oriental man?"
"Well, yes" she said, "but only once."
"Once is all it takes," he said.
When the legs came out they were red. The doctor asked her if she had ever slept with an Indian.
"Well, yes" she said, "but only once."
"Once is all it takes," he said.
He finally pulled the baby all the way out and held it upside down and slapped its bottom to make it cry. As it started to cry the woman exclaimed "Oh, thank God, at least it doesn't bark!"