How men's underwear should be advertised
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How men's underwear should be advertised
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Birds of a feather flock together . . . .and then crap on your car.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs'....
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young... Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.
Will this happen in our life time?
#25. U.S. Post Office
They are pricing themselves out of existence. With e-mail, and online services they are a relic of the past.
(refer to #9) Packages are also sent faster and cheaper with UPS.
#24. Yellow Pages
This year will be pivotal for the global Yellow Pages industry. Much like newspapers, print Yellow Pages will continue to bleed dollars to their various digital counterparts, from Internet Yellow Pages (IYPs), to local search engines and combination search/listing services like Reach Local and Yodel Factors like an acceleration of the print 'fade rate'
and the looming recession will contribute to the onslaught. One research firm predicts the falloff in usage of newspapers and print Yellow Pages could even reach 10% this year -- much higher than the 2%-3% fade rate seen in past years.
#23. Classified Ads
The Internet has made so many things obsolete that newspaper classified ads might sound like just another trivial item on a long list. But this is one of those harbingers of the future that could signal the end of civilization as we know it. The argument is that if newspaper classifieds are replaced by free online listings at sites like <http://craigslist.org/> and Google Base, then newspapers are not far behind them.
#22. Movie Rental Stores
While Netflix is looking up at the moment, Blockbuster keeps closing store locations by the hundreds. It still has about 6,000 left across the world, but those keep dwindling and the stock is down considerably in 2008, especially since the company gave up a quest of Circuit City Movie Gallery, which owned the Hollywood Video brand, closed up shop earlier this year. Countless small video chains and mom-and-pop stores have given up the ghost already.
#21. Dial-up Internet Access
Dial-up connections have fallen from 40% in 2001 to 10% in 2008. The combination of an infrastructure to accommodate affordable high speed Internet connections and the disappearing home phone have all but pounded the final nail in the coffin of dial-up Internet access.
#20. Phone Land Lines
According to a survey from the National Center for Health Statistics, at the end of 2007, nearly one in six homes was cell-only and, of those homes that had land lines, one in eight only received calls on their cells.
#19. Chesapeake Bay Blue Crabs
Maryland's icon, the blue crab, has been fading away in Chesapeake Bay . Last year Maryland saw the lowest harvest (22 million pounds) since 1945. Just four decades ago the bay produced 96 million pounds. The population is down 70% since 1990, when they first did a formal count. There are only about 120 million crabs in the bay and they think they need 200 million for a sustainable population. Over-fishing, pollution, invasive species and global warming (?) get the blame.
#18. VCRs
For the better part of three decades, the VCR was a best-seller and staple in every American household until being completely decimated by the DVD, and now the Digital Video Recorder (DVR). In fact, the only remnants of the VHS age at your local Wal-Mart or Radio Shack are blank VHS tapes these days. Pre-recorded VHS tapes are largely gone and VHS decks are practically nowhere to be found. They served us so well.
#17. Ash Trees
In the late 1990's, a pretty, iridescent green species of beetle, now known as the emerald ash borer, hitched a ride to North America with ash wood products imported from eastern Asia . In less than a decade, its larvae have killed millions of trees in theMidwest, and continue to spread. They've killed more than 30 million ash trees in southeastern Michigan alone, with tens of millions more lost in Ohio and Indiana . More than 7.5 billion ash trees are currently at risk.
#16. Ham Radio
Amateur radio operators enjoy personal (and often worldwide) wireless communications with each other and are able to support their communities with emergency and disaster communications if necessary, while increasing their personal knowledge of electronics and radio theory. However, proliferation of the Internet and its popularity among youth has caused the decline of amateur radio. In the past five years alone, the number of people holding active ham radio licenses has dropped by 50,000, even though Morse Code is no longer a requirement.
#15. The Swimming Hole
Thanks to our litigious society, swimming holes are becoming a thing of the past. '20/20' reports that swimming hole owners, like Robert Every in High Falls, NY, are shutting them down out of worry that if someone gets hurt they'll sue. And that's exactly what happened in Seattle . The city of Bellingham was sued by Katie Hofstetter who was paralyzed in a fall at a popular swimming hole in Whatcom Falls Park . As injuries occur and lawsuits follow, expect more swimming holes to post 'Keep out!' signs.
#14. Answering Machines
The increasing disappearance of answering machines is directly tied to #20 on our list -- the decline of landlines. According to USA Today, the number of homes that only use cell phones jumped 159% between 2004 and 2007. It has been particularly bad in New York ; since 2000, landline usage has dropped 55%. It's logical that as cell phones rise, many of them replacing traditional landlines, that there will be fewer answering machines.
#13. Cameras That Use Film
It doesn't require a statistician to prove the rapid disappearance of the film camera in America . Just look to companies like Nikon, the professional's choice for quality camera equipment. In 2006, it announced that it would stop making film cameras, pointing to the shrinking market -- only 3% of its sales in 2005, compared to 75% of sales from digital cameras and equipment.
#12. Incandescent Bulbs
Before a few years ago, the standard 60-watt (or, yikes, 100-watt) bulb was the mainstay of every U.S. home. With the green movement and all-things-sustainable-energy crowd, the Compact Fluorescent Lightbulb (CFL) is largely replacing the older, Edison-era incandescent bulb. The EPA reports that 2007 sales for Energy Star CFLs nearly doubled from 2006, and these sales accounted for approximately 20 percent of the U.S. light bulb market. And according to USA Today, a new energy bill plans to phase out incandescent bulbs in the next four to 12 years.
#11. Stand-Alone Bowling Alleys
U.S. claims there are still 60 million Americans who bowl at least once a year, but many are not bowling in stand-alone bowling alleys. Today most new bowling alleys are part of facilities for all types or recreation including laser tag, go-karts, bumper cars, video game arcades, climbing walls and glow miniature golf. Bowling lanes also have been added to many non-traditional venues such as adult communities, hotels and resorts, and gambling casinos.
#10. The Milkman
According to the U.S. Department of Agriculture, in 1950, over half of the milk delivered was to the home in quart bottles, by 1963, it was about a third and by 2001, it represented only 0.4% percent. Nowadays most milk is sold through supermarkets in gallon jugs. The steady decline in home-delivered milk is blamed, of course, on the rise of the supermarket, better home refrigeration and longer-lasting milk. Although some milkmen still make the rounds in pockets of the U.S., they are certainly a dying breed..
#9. Hand-Written Letters
In 2006, the Radicati Group estimated that, worldwide, 183 billion e-mails were sent each day.. Two million each second. By November of 2007, an estimated 3.3 billion Earthlings owned cell phones, and 80% of the world's population had access to cell phone coverage. In 2004, half-a-trillion text messages were sent, and the number has no doubt increased exponentially since then. So where amongst this gorge of gabble is there room for the elegant, polite hand-written letter?
#8. Wild Horses
It is estimated that 100 years ago, as many as two million horses were roaming free within the United States. In 2001, National Geographic News estimated that the wild horse population has decreased to about 50,000 head. Currently, the National Wild Horse and Burro Advisory board states that there are 32,000 free roaming horses in ten Western states, with half of them residing in Nevada . The Bureau of Land Management is seeking to reduce the total number of free range horses to 27,000, possibly by selective euthanasia.
#7. Personal Checks
According to an American Bankers Assoc. report, a net 23% of consumers plan to decrease their use of checks over the next two years, while a net 14% plan to increase their use of PIN debit. Bill payment remains the last stronghold of paper-based payments -- for the time being. Checks continue to be the most commonly used bill payment method, with 71% of consumers paying at least one recurring bill per month by writing a check. However, a bill-by-bill basis, checks account for only 49% of consumers' recurring bill payments (down from 72% in 2001 and 60% in 2003).
#6. Drive-in Theaters
During the peak in 1958, there were more than 4,000 drive-in theaters in this country, but in 2007 only 405 drive-ins were still operating. Exactly zero new drive-ins have been built since 2005. Only one reopened in 2005 and five reopened in 2006, so there isn't much of a movement toward reviving the closed ones.
#5. Mumps & Measles
Despite what's been in the news lately, the measles and mumps actually, truly are disappearing from the United States. In 1964, 212,000 cases of mumps were reported in the U.S. By 1983, this figure had dropped to 3,000, thanks to a vigorous vaccination program. Prior to the introduction of the measles vaccine, approximately half a million cases of measles were reported in the U.S. annually, resulting in 450 deaths. In 2005, only 66 cases were recorded.
#4. Honey Bees
Perhaps nothing on our list of disappearing America is so dire; plummeting so enormously; and so necessary to the survival of our food supply as the honey bee. Very scary, 'Colony Collapse Disorder,' or CCD, has spread throughout the U.S. and Europe over the past few years, wiping out 50% to 90% of the colonies of many beekeepers -- and along with it, their livelihood.
#3. News Magazines and TV News
While the TV evening newscasts haven't gone anywhere over the last several decades, their audiences have. In 1984, in a story about the diminishing returns of the evening news, the New York Times reported that all three network evening-news programs combined had only 40.9 million viewers. Fast forward to 2008, and what they have today is half that.
#2. Free TV
According to the Consumer Electronics Association, 85% of homes in the U.S. get their television programming through cable or satellite providers. For the remaining 15% -- or 13 million individuals -- who are using rabbit ears or a large outdoor antenna to get their local stations, change is in the air.
#1. The Family Farm
Since the 1930's, the number of family farms has been declining rapidly. According to the USDA, 5.3 million farms dotted the nation in 1950, but this number had declined to 2.1 million by the 2003 farm census (data from the 2007 census is just now being published). Ninety-one percent of the U.S. FARMS are small Family Farms.
MY ACCOMPLISHMENTS AND THE ROAD TO WINNING THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE
By Barack Obama
______________________________________________________
NEGROS I'VE MET WHILE YACHTING
By Tiger Woods
______________________________________________
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
By Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan.
Illustrated by Michael Moore
________________________________________
MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS & HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA
By Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton
_______________________________________
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
By Hillary Clinton
________________________________
Sequel:
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
By Bill Clinton
___________________________________
MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
By Osama Bin Laden
___________________________________
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
By Bill Gates
____________________________________
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
By Dennis Rodman
_________________________________
THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE
By Al Gore & John Kerry
_____________________________________
AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
___________________________________
A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
By Dr. J.. Kevorkian
__________________________________
ALL THE MEN WE HAVE LOVED, BEFORE ......
By Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnel
____________________________________
GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
By Mike Tyson
__________________________________
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
_______________________________________
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
By O. J. Simpson
_________________________________________
HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES
By Ted Kennedy
___________________________________
MY BOOK OF MORALS
By Bill Clinton with introduction
By the Rev. Jesse Jackson
*******************************************************
JUST ADDED:
Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy!
By Nancy Pelosi
New Tiger Movie............................
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A Blond drops off a shirt at the cleaners........
The Asian lady behind the counter thanks her, and says "Come Again".
The Blond says: "No, its toothpaste this time, you nosey *****".
A young boy had been taken for his first visit to a nudist camp by his parents. He was surprised at the different sizes of the male organs and mentioned it to his father.
The father, being rather well endowed, explained that it was a measure of intelligence, the big ones being smart and the small ones being dumb.
That afternoon the father was looking for his wife and asked his son if he had seen his mother.
"I saw her about ten minutes ago, She was with a real dumb man, but he seemed to be getting smarter all the time."
There's a travelling salesman going door to door. He rings the bell at one house and the door is answered by a young gorgeous blond who was totally naked. He's standing there in shock when she suddenly say's "quick I hear someone coming" and she grabs his arm and pulls him inside.
Once inside, She asks him "well, do you like what you see?".
He replies, "oh, YES. Most definitely"
She then asks, "well what part of me do you like best?"
He replies, "your ears."
She asks, "my ears?"
He replies, "YES, your ears."
She asks " my ears are you sure? Not my breasts, not my legs, not my butt. You like my ears?"
He replies, "YES, your ears."
She's replies, "OK, but can I ask you why my ears?"
He replies, "Well when you said that you heard somebody coming?? It was me!!"
A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat at the counter next to a woman
and ordered a glass of champagne..
The woman perked up and said, "How about that? I just ordered a glass
of champagne, too!"
"What a coincidence." the farmer said. "This is a special day for me.
I am celebrating."
"This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating." said the
woman.
"What a coincidence!" said the farmer. As they clinked glasses, he
added, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying for two years to have a child and
today, my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!"
"What a coincidence!" said the man. "I'm a chicken farmer and for
years, all of my hens were infertile but now they are all laying fertilized
eggs."
"That's great!" said the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I used a different cock." he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, "What a
coincidence......................"
The world of cosmetic surgery heralded a new breakthrough this week, when a top Harley Street clinic announced that it has finally pioneered the first successful man boob enhancement. ‘Man boobs have long presented the surgical community with a number of challenges, not least that everyone finds them just a bit gross,’ explained Dr Angela Dreyfuss, who refused to confirm or deny whether Simon Cowell had received the surgery during its clinical trial.
‘But now we’ve engineered a compound that almost exactly replicates the 75% KFC composition of male breast tissue, we’re confident that whether men want to augment, reduce or just give their moobs a bit of a lift, we can give them the confidence they need to get their shirts off in public again. So long as they get their backs waxed too. No-one needs to see a hairy crack.’
The recipient of the first moob job, a Mr Brian Drennan from Stoke, said he was delighted with the results of his surgery, despite enduring nipples that ‘stung like a bastard’ for the first few days after the op. ‘My wife told me my moobs were lovely just as they were, but I knew they weren’t a patch on the man boobs I’d sported as a younger man,’ said Mr Drennan. ‘But since the operation, I can’t stop showing them to people. Which led to a bit of explaining when my boss walked into the gents to find four men cupping my breasts and claiming they really ‘couldn’t tell the difference’.’
As builders, darts players and former rugby professionals sign up in droves to get their moobs done, Mr Drennan has been so encouraged by his surgery that he’s already considering other procedures. ‘I’m looking into having one of those beer gut bands fitted, which will mean I can only drink small amounts of white wine spritzers,’ he said. ‘And I know there’s a lot they can do these days for wrinkly skin. But until I’m convinced they’re entirely safe, I’ll leave it a while. After all, Bollox injections are a really big step.’
The word of the day at school was
"Handsome" and Mrs. Crabtree asked if
any of the students would like to use the word of
the day in a sentence.
With excitement Little Sally raised her hand and
said aloud. "My mom
said that my dad looked very Handsome" when he left
for work this
morning.
(Mrs. Crabtree) That was excellent Sally thank you
so much for sharing!
Would anyone else like to give the class an example
of Handsome in a
sentence?
Billy raised his hand and said that the real estate
agent said that the offer on our house was a handsome one” and we
> should really consider it.
(Mrs. Crabtree) Very good Billy thank you so much!
Is there anyone else that would like to share a sentence with the
class.
Shaniqua raised her hand and wanted to share her
sentence with the class.
My moms mouth got really tired when she was giving
her boyfriend a blow job so she had to use her handsome.
A handful of 7 year old children were asked 'What they thought of beer'.
Some interesting responses, but the last one is especially touching.
'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets.'
--Tim, 7 years old
'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice. '
--Melanie, 7 years old
'My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.'
--Grady, 7 years old
''My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.'
--Toby, 7 year old
'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.
--Sarah, 7 years old
'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.'
--Lilly, 7 years old
'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.'
--Ethan, 7 years old
'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.'
--Shirley, 7 years old
AND THE BEST RESPONSE
'My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father.. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.'
--Jack, 7 years
A young couple wanted to join the church. The pastor told them, "We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex for one whole month. "
The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church. When the Pastor ushered t hem into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed.
"You are back so soon. Is there a problem? " the pastor inquired.
"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month. " the young man replied sadly.
The pastor asked him what happened.
"Well, the first week was difficult. However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. "The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. "
"However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible. Anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts."
"One afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat. " admitted the man, shamefacedly.
The pastor lowered his head and said sternly, "You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church."
"We know. " said the young man, hanging his head, "We're not welcome back at Home Depot either."
Herb decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy
felt she had to confess to her man about her childhood illness.
She informed Herb that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old.
He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much.
However, Herb felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he had a deformity too.
Herb looked Sandy in the eyes and said, 'I too have a problem. My willy
is the same size as an infant and I hope you can deal with that once we're married.'
She said, 'Yes, I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size willy.'
Sandy and Herb got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon.
Herb whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching,
teasing, and holding one another.
As Sandy put her hands in Herb's pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room!
Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong.
She said, 'You told me your willy was the size of an infant!'
'Yes, it is . 7 pounds, 8 ounces, 19 inches long.'
Be very careful the FLU SEASON IS BACK!!
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