A man walks into a brothel and approaches a beautiful Oriental prostitute and asks? "Is it true Asian women have vaginas that run sideways?"
"Why?" she asks, "Are you a harmonica player?"
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A man walks into a brothel and approaches a beautiful Oriental prostitute and asks? "Is it true Asian women have vaginas that run sideways?"
"Why?" she asks, "Are you a harmonica player?"
"Top 20 Signs She's Getting Bored Having Sex With You"
20. After you request sex she replies, "Wait 'til the
Nyquil kicks in."
19. Gets very upset when the ashtray falls off your butt.
18. Actually answers when you ask "Who's your daddy?"
17. Last time she screamed during sex was the first time she won at solitaire.
16. Only moans during commercial breaks.
15. Starts her fake orgasms during foreplay.
14. Keeps trying to set you up with her friends.
13. Runs for vacant Senate seat in New York.
12. You are currently sitting backstage at the Springer show.
11. Beginning to think she is only "playing" dead.
10. During the act, she actually yelled out, "Oh, Baby, Yadda, Yadda,Yadda."
9. Has suddenly started making you pay in advance.
8. Her moans of delight discovered to actually be a .wav file.
7. Instead of asking to leave her shirt on, she wants to leave her pants on too.
6. Keeps asking "Are you SURE you're not gay?"
5. Boredom? So that's why she keeps deflating!
4. Holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold to hurry you along.
3. Asks to be on top so she can balance her checkbook better.
2. She yells out her own name.
1. Bangs her head on the headboard BEFORE you begin.
Bad Humor
How A Xmas Tradition Began
When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular elves, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mother was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, Santa found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.
Then, when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
Frustrated, Santa went into the house of a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink.
In his frustration, Santa accidentally dropped the cider pot, breaking it into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.
Just then, the doorbell rang and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened it, and there was a little angel with a great big Xmas tree.
The angel cheerfully said, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to sick it?
And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Xmas tree.
Bad Humor
Keep That Old Motor Running
It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl.
After a year she went into the hospital to give birth.
The nurse came out to congratulate the old man. "This is amazing," she said. "How did you do it at your age?"
"Simple," he answered. "You've got to keep that old motor running!"
The following year she gave birth again.
The same nurse said to the old man, "You really are amazing. How do you do it?"
"Simple," he replied. "You've got to keep the old motor running!"
The following year she again gave birth.
The nurse said, "You must be quite a man!"
"You've just got to keep that old motor running!" said the old man.
"Well, you had better change the oil," said the nurse. "This one's Chinese..."
Bad Humor
The Army Physical
A reserve troop was called up for duty and went in for his physical wearing a truss. With a little convincing acting, he got his papers marked M.E. for Medically Exempt.
Afterward a friend who was also called up, borrowed the truss to wear for his physical.
At the end of the examination the doctor stamped M.E. on his papers.
"Does that mean I'm medically exempt?" he asked.
"No," answered the doctor. "M.E. stands for Middle East. Anyone who can wear a truss upside down can certainly ride a camel."
What do Saddam Hussein and Ron Jeremy have in common?
They're both well hung.
[b]And now for the headlines:[/b]
Saddam Hussein officially starts his homosexual relationship with Satan
Tired of waiting...Saddam at the end of his rope.
Jesus: "Hey Saddam, wanna hang out?"
Castro's doctors give Saddam a clean bill of health
In other news, virgins in Heaven are crying today. Short straw gets Saddam.
Saddam dead. Iraqi Information Minister confirms report, saying, "Saddam is not dead"
Saddam Hussein: taller, quieter.
Saddam killed by Weapon Of Singular Destruction
Saddam Hussein dead. Gallows humor still alive and well
Saddam, Does your body hang low? Does it wobble too and fro?
Mass suicide leaves 72 virgins dead
The history of Jack Schitt...
Funny as hell.
[url]http://home.pacbell.net/diana_do/knowjack.htm[/url]
[url]http://www.ifilm.com/ifilmdetail/2673381/share[/url]
Tis a funny link.
Blind date with a crack *****
Some Redneck Etiquette Rules
***IN GENERAL***
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
***DINING OUT***
1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.
***ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME***
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.
***PERSONAL HYGIENE***
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods
***DATING (Outside the Family)***
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 pm; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
***WEDDINGS***
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.
***DRIVING ETIQUETTE***
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
***TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER***
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.
What is the smallest motel in the world?
The pussy, you have to leave your bags outside.
Bad Humor
At The Restaurant
My wife and I were sitting in a fine restaurant when my wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor. She kept glancing over at him throughout the meal.
Finally, I said, "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"
"Yes," she replied. "He's my ex-husband, and he's been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."
I said, "That's remarkable. I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."
She hasn't spoken to me since.
Q. Why does a one-story brothel make more money than a two-story brothel?
A. Because there's no fu**ing overhead
Bad Humor
Mistakes
"Pastor, is it right for a man to profit from the mistakes of another?" asked a parishioner.
"Definitely not," answered his preacher.
"Are you absolutely certain?" asked the man.
"Yes, my son. Absolutely certain," said the pastor.
"Well, in that case, would you mind returning the money I gave you for my wedding last year?"
What is the difference between light and hard? You can sleep with a light on but you can't sleep with a hard on.
Two European business dudes returned to the Tokyo whorehouse they had visited earlier in a state of great rage.
"I was here last week and caught a case of the clap!" he shouted at the
mamasan.
"Toyota," said the mamasan.
"What the hell does that mean, Toyota?" asked the enraged customer.
She smiled and said, "You asked for it, you got it!"