Jokes & Humorous Stories

Gentle Thoughts for Today



Birds of a feather flock together and then crap on your car.


A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.'

If you think there is good in everybody, you
haven't met everybody.




If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs....'

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.


One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth . . . . . . AMEN!

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking‚ older retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them‚ "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment. chair‚ whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first? "

The girl says‚ "I'll go first." She walks past the chair‚ the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.

The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there‚ she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks‚ sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says‚ "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks‚ "Can you top that? "

The tough old golfer replies‚ "No problem‚ just get that lion out of there."

Informative, and mind boggling!

You think the war in Iraq is costing us too much? Read this:

Boy, was I confused. I have been hammered with the propaganda that it is the Iraq war and the war on terror that is bankrupting us. I now find that to be RIDICULOUS.

I hope the following 14 reasons are forwarded over and over again until they are read so many times that the reader gets sick of reading them. I also have included the URL's for verification of all the following facts.
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1. $11 Billion to $22 billion is spent on welfare to illegal aliens each year by state governments.

Verify at: [url]http://*******.com/zob77[/url]

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2. $2.2 Billion dollars a year is spent on food assistance programs such as food stamps, WIC, and free school lunches for illegal aliens.

Verify at: [url]http://www.cis.org/articles/2004/fiscalexec.html[/url]

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3. $2.5 Billion dollars a year is spent on Medicaid for illegal aliens.

Verify at: [url]http://www.cis.org/articles/2004/fiscalexec.html[/url]

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4. $12 Billion dollars a year is spent on primary and secondary school education for children here illegally and they cannot speak a word of English!

Verify at: [url]http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANscriptS/0604/01/ldt.0.html[/url]

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5. $17 Billion dollars a year is spent for education for the American-born children of illegal aliens, known as anchor babies.

Verify at [url]http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANscriptS/0604/01/ldt.01.html[/url]

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6. $3 Million Dollars a DAY is spent to incarcerate illegal aliens.

Verify at: [url]http://transcripts.cnn.com/%20TRANscriptS/0604/01/ldt.01.html[/url]

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7. 30% percent of all Federal Prison inmates are illegal aliens.

Verify at: [url]http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANscriptS/0604/01/ldt.01.html[/url]

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8. $90 Billion Dollars a year is spent on illegal aliens for Welfare & social services by the American taxpayers.

Verify at: [url]http://premium.cnn...com/TRANSCIPTS/0610/29/ldt.01.html[/url]

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9. $200 Billion dollars a year in suppressed American wages are caused by the illegal aliens.

Verify at: [url]http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSC%20RI%20PTS/0604/01/ldt.01.html[/url]

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10. The illegal aliens in the United States have a crime rate that's two and a half times that of white non-illegal aliens. In particular, their children, are going to make a huge additional crime problem in the US

Verify at: [url]http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANscriptS/0606/12/ldt.01.html[/url]

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11. During the year of 2005 there were 4 to 10 MILLION illegal aliens that crossed our Southern Border also, as many as 19,500 illegal aliens from Terrorist Countries. Millions of pounds of drugs, cocaine, meth, heroin and marijuana, crossed into the U. S from the Southern border.

Verify at: Homeland Security Report: [url]http://*******.com/t9sht[/url]

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12. The National policy Institute, estimated that the total cost of mass deportation would be between $206 and $230 billion or an average cost of between $41 and $46 billion annually over a five year period.'

Verify at: [url]http://www.nationalpolicyinstitute.org/pdf/deportation.pdf[/url]

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13. In 2006 illegal aliens sent home $45 BILLION in remittances to their countries of origin.

Verify at: http://www..rense.com/general75/niht.htm>

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14. 'The Dark Side of Illegal Immigration: Nearly One million sex crimes Committed by Illegal Immigrants In The United States .'

Verify at: http: // [url]www.drdsk.com/articleshtml[/url]

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The total cost is a whopping $ 338.3 BILLION DOLLARS A YEAR AND IF YOU'RE LIKE ME HAVING TROUBLE UNDERSTANDING THIS AMOUNT OF MONEY; IT IS $338,300,000,000.00 WHICH WOULD BE ENOUGH TO STIMULATE THE ECONOMY FOR THE CITIZENS OF THIS COUNTRY.


Are we THAT stupid? YES, FOR LETTING THOSE IN THE U.S. CONGRESS GET AWAY WITH LETTING THIS HAPPEN YEAR AFTER YEAR!!!!!



If this doesn't bother you then just delete the message. If, on the other hand, it does raise the hair on the back of your neck, I hope you forward it to every legal resident...........

[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CgQi3luRy5c&feature=player_embedded[/url]

There will be --NO NATIVITY SCENE IN WASHINGTON THIS YEAR!

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States Capital this Christmas season.

This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol.

A search for a Virgin continues.

There will be no problem however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started cussing."

The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."

The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Fuckn' Cheerios!"

Maria just got married, and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you." So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest.

Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria", says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Maria ran downstairs to her mother.

"Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!" "Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you." So, up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and stir the pasta", says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!"

Trunk Monkey - 4 NEW Episodes!!!


[url]http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=4TrunkMo.wmv[/url]

Hyundai... We'll do ANYTHING!


[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LOh2pci5GNg[/url]

Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one night, a drunk American led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.

'What's that big brass gong for? ' one of the friend's asked

'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Australian clock' he drunkenly replied.

'A talking Australian clock. Seriously? '

'Yup. ' 'Hmmm (hic). '

'How's it work? ' the second friend asked, squinting at it.

'Just watch' he said.

He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and stepped back.

His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.

Suddenly, a Australian voice from the other side of the wall screamed,

'For f*#k's sake, you stupid b*ast*Road. It's ten past three in the f***ing morning! '

Asked by a friend

Do you known what sex position will make ugly baby?

--Don't known

Go home and ask you mom.

A little old guy is Walking around in a supermarket calling out, Crisco, Crissssssscoooo!'

Soon an assistant Manager approaches and says, 'Sir, the Crisco is in aisle 3.'

The old guy replies, Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my wife. She's in here somewhere'

The clerk is astonished.
'Your wife's name is Crisco?'

The old guy answers, 'Oh No, no, no. I only call her that when we're Out in public.'

'I see,' said the clerk.
'What do you call her at Home?'

'Lard ass.'

Little John in trouble again at school, father picked him up and asked

What you has done boy?

Son. Dad I said a bad word.

Dad-What word son?

Son- ****.

Dad. Do you known what that mean?

Son. No

When they get home father took the picture of the playboy centerfold and he circle the vagina and ask his son-

Do you known what is this?

Son-No

Dad-This is the Vagina son and outside the circle, that the ****.

Dear DIARY: DAY 1

All packed for the cruise ship. All my sexiest dresses and make-up. Really excited.

DEAR DIARY: DAY 2

Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins.

Met the Captain today. Seems a very nice man.

DEAR DIARY: DAY 3

At the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful

Time. He is very attractive and attentive.

DEAR DIARY: DAY 4

Won $800. 00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.

DEAR DIARY: DAY 5

Pool again today, got sun burnt, and went inside to drink at piano bar for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks Really is charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me if I did not let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was shocked.

DEAR DIARY: DAY 6

Today I saved 1, 600 lives.

Twice.

Hunt for ‘female Viagra’ over as doctors discover ‘shopping’

Men poor at shopping foreplay; just like to get in and out

Scientists have found that a man presenting his credit card in exchange for shoes, clothes and handbags can do wonders for a woman’s sex drive.* The experience of ’shopping’ can be further heightened by the male periodically offering comments such as ‘Definitely the Jimmy Choos’ or ‘No, your bum looks great in that’, but men were delighted after trials showed that not lasting the duration did nothing to reduce the woman’s pleasure.

‘Shopping’ was discovered by a male researcher when his wife forgot her purse on a trip into town. ‘When we got home it was as if she was a different woman – the exact same fantasy, in fact, that I’d been using to help me get it up.’

However, doctors have warned men that their partner’s side effects, such as an increased tolerance of time spent in the pub, are likely to wear off quickly and require further treatments.