Jokes & Humorous Stories

Child bearing "more painful for men" confirm experts

Tests carried out by the Department of Sociology on behalf of University Oxford have proved conclusively that virtually all aspects of childbearing and childbirth are likely to be more stressful for men than for women.

The team of experts (by amazing coincidence all members of the same rugby XIV) set out to investigate the link between perceived pain and real pain.

Early tests completely exploded the myth that women suffer more physical and mental trauma than their male counterparts and the balance was actually slightly in men's favour by around 75/25.

The team also floated a theory that because men are not actually going through the pleasures associated with pregnancy, they are in fact suffering exponientially by not being able to enjoy the physical joys that childbearing naturally brings.

The long held view that men tended to sit around wondering what all the fuss was about (rightly or wrongly) was also found to be questionable.

It appears generations of long suffering males have somehow managed to hide their heartfelt concerns about the pregnancy rather than complain about it to their partners.

It soon became obvious to researchers that evolution has bestowed men with great levels of tolerance, both physical and mental during their months of unparalleled hardship.

Field tests also proved that the male partner was found to suffer mostly in areas of their lives not fully understood or appreciated by their female counterparts.

It was discovered that over the course of a routine 9 month pregnancy the male partner would be expected to endure inordinate lifestyle upheavals in order to facilitate the constant changing ‘needs’ of a pregnant partner.

Aspects of his social life could change dramatically but because so little fuss was made, it often went undetected.

Worrying indicators of raised stress levels, such as a declining golf handicap or misplaced night-fishing permit would often impact on his usually impeccable time-keeping?

Bouts of ‘stress induced disorientation’ (invariably following a hard day’s work) were common place and not helped by the ‘faddy’ culinary choices made by partners at mealtimes.

The increased stress levels would often mean the male partner was forced to catch up on work related issues with colleagues, at times hastily fitted in at some public house or wine bar.

Males attending the birth of a child noticed that the slight discomfort (or 'pain' as it is often called) of childbirth could easily be relieved by the simple application of various over-the counter ointments or remedies as long as the midwife had a plentiful supply of clean towels and some hot water before he nipped down the local for some fresh air.

They all agreed the ‘wetting of the baby’s head’ was far more hazardous than the actual birth appeared to be.

Much careful planning was needed if it was to pass without mishap or incident. Men would often find friends and work colleague’s ideal for helping out at such a stressful time in his life.

Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton. One student turned in the following book report,
With the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!
His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic:.... Cost - $29.99
Clinton :..... Cost - $29.99

Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton :... Over 3 hours to read

Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton :... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic:.... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton :...... Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic:.... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton :.... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton :..... Ditto for Monica.

Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton :... Let's not go there.

Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton :.... Monica' s forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton :..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton :..... Monica.. ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton :..... Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing

Wal-Mart announced that sometime in 2010, it will begin offering customers a new discount item: Walmart's own brand of wine.

The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2 - $5 range.

Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to put a bottle of Walmart brand into their shopping carts, but "there is a market for inexpensive wine," said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at the University of Arkansas.

"But the right name is important."

Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Walmart wine brand.

The top surveyed names in order of popularity were:

10. Chateau Traileur Parc
9. White Trashfindel
8. Big Red Gulp
7. World Championship Riesling
6. NASCARbernet
5. Chef Boyardeaux
4. Peanut Noir
3. I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar
2. Grape Expectations
1. Nasti Spumante

The beauty of Walmart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).

1. CLICK ON THE LINK (COFFEE MACHINE BELOW)
2. PUT THE COIN IN THE VENDING MACHINE
3. CHOOSE YOUR DRINK
4. CLICK ON THE CUP WHEN IT IS READY
5. CLICK ON "OPEN"

Enjoy!

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A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After
they got settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle
from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids
yours?"

He replied, "No I work for a condom Company.
These are customer complaints."

A widowed lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a mostly deserted beach at Ft. Myers , Florida .

She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "How are you today?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.

"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked.

"Yes, I live over in Cape Coral ," he answered, and again he resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted," Do you like pussy cats?"

With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.

When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied. "How did you know my name was Katz?"

Little Billy brought his grandpa to school for grandparents day. Each grandparent stood up in front of the 4th graders and told the children about themselves. Billy's grandpa told the class he was a World War II fighter pilot who flew P51 Mustangs. He said to the children "We were the best, the Krauts couldn't stop us. we shot down every Fokker we saw. Those Nazi Fokkers had no chance against us." The teacher interrupted to tell the class that a Fokker was a type of German airplane. Grandpa said "yes they are, but the Fokkers we shot down were flying Messerschmitts".

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store.

As he waited, he was approached by a man called Terry who asked.

"Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is? "

The little boy replied."Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla blocks and turn to your right."

Terry thanked the boy kindly and said.

"I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday.

I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle.

"Awww, come on. You don't even know the way to the f***ing Post Office.!

Two guys are drinking in a bar.

One says, "Did you know that Elks have sex 10 to 15 times a night? "

"Aw crap., " says his friend, "and I just joined the VFW! "

I found myself a new girlfriend.

She was perfect in almost every aspect.

She was cute. Natural redhead without the redhead personality, she was fun to be around. She was low maintenece and even has a good paying job. She likes having sex and she thought I was handsome. We also share many of the same interests, In fact she even told me she liked comic books!

To bad I had to dump her. I came home the other day and discovered she obviously does not know how to take care of my comic books.

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside.. " Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos "

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man...

"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Time's Up'?"

This is really right on the mark.... I can't believe how accurate this
was - pretty eerie if you ask me!!


WHO IS YOUR ROLE MODEL???


Try it without looking at answers

1) Pick your favorite number between 1-9

2) Multiply by 3 then

3) Add 3, then again Multiply by 3 (I'll wait while you get the
calculator....)

4) You'll get a 2 or 3 digit number....

5) Add the digits together






Now with that number see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list below :

1. Hillary Clinton

2. Nelson Mandela

5. Bill Gates

6. Gandhi

7. Brad Pitt

8. Hitler

9. A John

10. Barack Obama

I know....I just have that effect on people....one day you too can be like
me.... :-) Believe it!

P.S. Stop picking different numbers. I AM YOUR IDOL, JUST DEAL WITH
IT!!!!!!

On their wedding

Night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, Her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, And informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, These holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments. Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business! '

That's when she shot him. You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to shut the hell up!

So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda pissed off because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he were brown like he other toads. He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.

Anyway... this yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother. He begs her: "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other toads. I am tired of being so visible to predators and such."

The fairy godmother whips out her magic wand and says "Abracapokus! You're brown!"

The toad looks down and sees that he is brown except for his package, which is still yellow. He says to the fairy godmother: "Wait a minute! My pecker's still yellow!"

To this the fairy godmother replies: "I don't do johnsons. You will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that." The toad thanks her and hops off on his way.

There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the very same fairy godmother. He implores her: "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other bears. None of the lady bears want to be seen with me on account of the hunters can spot me from a mile off."

She, being a nice fairy godmother, takes out her magic wand and says: "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!"

The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown with the exception of the ole twig and berries, they remain purple. He says: "My wang is still purple!"

She says: "I don't do units; you will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that."

To this the bear replies: "Well that's just dandy, but how the hell do I find The Wizard of Oz?"

The fairy godmother answers: "That's easy... just follow the yellow dick toad!"

IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOR......
IF YOU GO INTO CHINA ILLEGALLY, YOU’RE CONSIDERED A SPY AND GET HARD PRISON TIME.....

IF YOU GO INTO GERMANY ILLEGALLY, YOU GET A HEFTY FINE, WORK IT OFF OR PAY IT OFF, THEN DEPORTED.........

IF YOU GO INTO ENGLAND ILLEGALLY, YOU ARE IMMEDIATELY JAILED AND DEPORTED........

IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY....

BUT, IF YOU CROSS THE U.S. BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET:

1. A DRIVERS LICENSE

2. A SOCIAL SECURITY CARD

3. WELFARE

4. FOOD STAMPS

5. FREE HEALTH CARE

6. HOUSING SUBSIDY

7. NO TAXES

I guess I still don't understand...maybe we need to VOTE OUR LAWMAKERS OUT.