Jokes & Humorous Stories

Ralph was attending his biker club’s monthly meeting and had just told them he couldn’t make the scheduled camping trip for the next day because his wife wouldn’t let him go.

After listening to the jeers and other derisive remarks from his fellow biker buddies Ralph left to go back home to his wife. When Ralph’s friends started arriving to set up camp the next day, who should be there but Ralph sitting in front of his Fatboy, tent up, beer in hand, camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of coals.

“How did ya talk your wife into letting you go Ralph?”

“I didn’t have to” was Ralph’s reply.

“When I left the meeting I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then my wife snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, ‘Surprise’!”

When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee and she said, “Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want.”

So… tah dah,…here I am!

[QUOTE=A John]This is worth every MINUTE (ONLY 4) of your time to watch!
THIS HITS IT OUT OF THE BALL PARK! AND IT ONLY has HAD 24,048 views[/QUOTE]

Wow, that was hilarious. Thanks for sharing! Very funny.

Oh wait, no it wasn't. It was a political speech about health care. It belongs [url=http://www.usasexguide.info/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=274]HERE[/url].

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say..'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew,
and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'



[QUOTE=KC Questor]Oh wait, no it wasn't. It was a political speech about health care. It belongs [url=http://www.usasexguide.info/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=274]HERE[/url].[/QUOTE]


Then just copy & paste

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?'
'Of course child. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'

Hotel Related Incident

A man checks into a hotel in Auckland while on a business trip and was bit lonely. He thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. He popped into a phone booth in Albert Street near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs.

Well, you get the picture! He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel. When back in the room he figures, what the hell and gave her a call. 'Hello', the woman says. He thought she sounded sexy. 'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound? ' She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 1 for an outside line.' It took three hours for him to get the courage to Checkout next morning.

I finally got around to going fishing this morning but after a while I ran out of worms.

Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten.

I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without incident, and carried on my fishing with the frog.

A little later I felt a nudge on my foot.

There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes! '

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed.'YES! YES! I WON, I WON! '

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll? '

The other answered, 'I don't know. I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY.

Not all Irish are drunks,

Not all blondes are dumb,

But all men. Are men

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

'What was that for?' he asked.

'That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it,' she replied.

Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,' he explained.

'Oh honey, I'm sorry,' she said. 'I should have known there was a good explanation '

Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.
When he came to, he asked, 'What the hell was that for?'

She replied...

'Your horse called.'

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1, 000.

It happened again the next week!

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate.

This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

'Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1, 000 a week in the collection plate, ' he stated.

'Why yes, she replied, every week my son sends me money andI give some of it to the church.'

The pastor replied, 'That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you? '

The elderly woman answered, $10, 000 a week.'

The pastor was amazed, 'your son is very successful; what does he do for a living? '

"He is a veterinarian, " she answered.

"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money, ' the pastor said.

"Where does he practice? '"

The woman answered proudly, in Nevada, he has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno

A man and his wife, moved back home to West Virginia, from Ohio. The husband had a wooden leg, and to insure it back in Ohio cost them $2000. Per year! When they arrived in West Virginia, they went to an insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure his wooden leg. The agent looked it up on the computer and said: '$39.' The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in West Virginia to insure it because it cost him $2000 in Ohio!

The insurance agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says: Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system above it, is $39. You just have to know how to describe it! '

(Those HILLBILLIES know how "to git 'er done"; don't they?)

[QUOTE=Agent61][url]http://www.metacafe.com/watch/yt-PtSbkheyzeM/ripleys_believe_it_or_not/[/url][/QUOTE]It's uplifting to know that people in these remote areas have cable, too.

[QUOTE=Tashload]It's uplifting to know that people in these remote areas have cable, too.[/QUOTE]


Tash:
Outstanding comment.


It is amazing how people that don't live in these cultures try to impose their own belief systems on the people that live in these cultures.

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is pal, where the heck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their butt to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too." Dang straight! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the freak would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? I hate them.

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the freaking floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!' Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What the crap? Life is the longest dang thing anyone ever freaking does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?" If the bus came would I be standing here, moron?

A woman is being shown around the hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

' Oh my GOD! ' screamed the woman. ' That ' s disgraceful! Why is he doing that? '

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I ' m very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn ' t do that
at least five times a day, he ' ll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."

"Oh, well in that case, I guess it ' s okay," said the woman.

As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed,
"Oh my GOD! What is that"?

Again, the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better insurance".

The Parrot

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so cheap," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Well, this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, ut then thought "That's really not so bad."

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, New madam, New girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended, but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.

The parrot looked at him and said.

"Hi Keith!"

AND THEN THE FIGHT STARTED!