Jokes & Humorous Stories

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, Coochy Coo? " asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face, " he answered. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love? " She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, . The only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop. But at the bar. You know. They have frozen glasses. "

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face? " She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious. I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK? "

"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh? " She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps and little quiches.

"But my sweet honey. At the bar. You know there are swearing, dirty words and all that."

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?

LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS? "

And they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?.

KINDA MAKES YOUR EYES TEAR UP, DOESN'T IT?

We've all kicked back in our cubicles And suddenly felt something brewing down Below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise,
The WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work,
following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING When farting, you walk really fast around the

Office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a

Whiff, but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when

You do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled.

Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly

Going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE A fart that slips out while taking a pee or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.

Pretend it did not happen. If you are a man and are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the

WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER A colleague who poops at work and is doggone proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm.

Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

SAFE HAVENS A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work.

If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert a potential TURD BURGLAR. Very effective when used in conjunction with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.

SHIRLEY TEMPLE A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear a SHIRLEY TEMPLE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

SOME VARIETIES OF POOP YOU SHOULD BE AWARE OF:

The King Poop = This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.

Bali Belly Poop = You poop so much you lose 5 lbs.

Cement Block = You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poop.

Cork Poop = Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. How do I get rid of it? This poop usually happens at someone else's house.

The Bungee Poop = The kind of poop that just hangs off your rear before it falls into the water.

The Crippler = The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.

The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang = The kind of poop that hits you when

You're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.

The Party Pooper = The giant poop you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.

You are riding on a beautiful white horse.
On your left side is a drop off.
On your right side are several ostriches being chased by a lion.
In front of you are four large gazelles that won't get out of your way and you can't seem to overtake them.
Behind you is a stampede of horses.
What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?

* Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round. *

A notable gynecologist once said,
The best engine in the world is the vagina.
It can be started with one finger.
It is self lubricating.
It takes any size piston.
Once started, it can develop awesome energy.
And it changes its own oil every four weeks.
"It is only a pity that the management system is so fucking temperamental."

A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and
invited all of his buddies and neighbors.
He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood. He held
the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp,
oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.
At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 foot
man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to
anyone who has the nerve to jump in.'

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash.
Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!
Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing
it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and
choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through
the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the
gator were screaming and raising hell.
Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a
dime store goldfish.

Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring
at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, 'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million
dollars.'
'No, that's okay. I don't want it,' said Leroy.
The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the
bet. How about half a million bucks then?'

No thanks, I don't want it,' answered Leroy.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was
amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock
options?'

Again Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, Leroy, then what do you want?'

Leroy said, 'I want the name of the Sumbich who pushed me in the pool!

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV
set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending
your stimulus check wisely:

• If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China.
• If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
• If you purchase a computer, it will go to India.
• If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico,
Honduras and Guatemala.
• If you buy a car, it will go to Japan or Korea.
• If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.
• If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to
management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in America by:

1 spending it at yard sales, or
2 going to ball games, or
3 spending it on prostitutes, or
4 beer or
5 tattoos.

(These are the only American businesses still operating in the US.)

Conclusion:
Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day!

Sleeping with Bob

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly.. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night."

In ancient Greece (469. 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students.? "

"Wait a moment, " Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."

"Test of Three? "

"That's correct, " Socrates continued.

"Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true? "

"No, " the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right, " said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good? "

"No, on the contrary."

"So, " Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true? "

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because there is a third test. The filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me? "

"No, not really."

"Well, " concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all? "

The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

The Government Can


[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LO2eh6f5Go0[/url]

Three Texans were working up on a cell phone tower: Grant
Park, Ronnie
Bob and Donnie Bob. As they start their descent, Grant
slips, falls off
the tower and is DRT (Dead Right There).

As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie Bob says,
'Well, dang,
someone should go and tell his wife.'

Donnie Bob says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that
sensitive stuff, I'll do
it.'

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of
Budweiser.

Ronnie Bob says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie
Bob?'

'Grant's wife gave it to me,' Donnie Bob
replies.

'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband
was dead and she
gave you beer?'

'Well, not exactly', Donnie Bob says, 'When she
answered the door, I
said to her, "You must be Grant's
widow".'
She said, 'You must be mistaken, I'm not a
widow.'

Then I said, 'I'll bet you a
case of Budweiser you are.'

(Rednecks Are Good At That Sensitive Stuff.)

Now this story is hilarious! Sex, corruption, government supported organization but only Fox is giving it any coverage on TV!

[url]http://www.nypost.com/p/news/local/brooklyn/pimp_hooker_catch_staff_Js4YPEcsCcxLZhAEehLhmL[/url]

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee Machine, inhales a big breathe of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual Harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks: 'What's sexually Threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice? '

The woman replies, "It's Pee Wee. The midget".

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach
when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a
booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have tried to
be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one
wish."

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge
to Hawaii ' so I can ride over anytime I
want.'

The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic, think of
the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the
supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the
concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust
several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for
me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little
more time and think of something that could possibly help
mankind.'

The biker
thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said,
'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women;
I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking
when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what
she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps
and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman
truly happy..'

The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that
bridge?'

Martinis are like tits: One ain't enough, three is too many.

This is worth every MINUTE (ONLY 4) of your time to watch!
THIS HITS IT OUT OF THE BALL PARK! AND IT ONLY has HAD 24,048 views…

It was taken inside Congress …
IT WAS TAKEN OFF THE VIDEO TAPES OF THE FLOOR OF OUR NATIONAL LEGISLATURE


[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G44NCvNDLfc&feature=player_embedded[/url]