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Newspaper hacks celebrate ‘prettiest A level students ever’
Somewhat humourous news, from the other side of the big blue wobbly thing that the mermaids live in.... They also seem to be getting younger every year.
Newspaper editors across the country were celebrating this week, as it was revealed that this year’s A level students are the prettiest ever. The results met with complaints from disgruntled old picture editors who used to cover the A level results in the 1980’s. ‘In our day it was much more difficult to track down an attractive 18 year old girl with good exam results to stick on the front page. Nowadays there so are many A’s being dished out that even the most useless inexperienced journalist can find one.’
However press photographers were insistent that their jobs were just as difficult as 20 years ago. ‘It’s all very well being criticised by bitter old hacks’, said Nigel Tweed of the Daily Telegraph, ‘but the fact is you can’t just stick any old totty on our front page like you used to. Nowadays you need to find pretty twins hugging another or at least the outline of a nipple’.
Dave Curtly from The Sun was equally adamant that standards had not fallen. ‘It’s tough out there,’ he said. ‘Page 3 is now getting difficult to fill, with some many A grade students around there are very few dumb blondes left’.
And these women are going to be raising children?
The following are all replies that Detroit women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing "father's details;" or putting it another way.... Who's yo baby's Daddy? These are genuine excerpts from the forms!
1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Willie McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.
2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks.
4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced. That would be the daddy..
5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I think that my son's conception was ejaculate stuff on a tawl and that he is an axident.
6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cat aclysmic implications for his wife. I am torn between doing right by you and right by him. Please advise.
7. I do not know who the father of my child was as they all look the same to me.
8. Tyrone Lairston is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time.... well, I don't have clue.
9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; it really was in the Magic Kingdom .
10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 8956 Miller Ave. , mine might have remained unfertilized.
And my personal favorite. . .
11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.
The Case of the Orange Penis
A guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is orange." Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange. Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life."
Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "How are things going at work? " The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. Guy responds, "No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy." So the doc figures this isn't the reason.
He asks the guy, "How's your home life? " The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago." The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys stress. Guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old *****." So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer.
He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life? " The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I sit home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos."
