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Humourous News from the UK
Wife abandoned by husband for younger woman admits ‘he’s got a point’
A recently separated wife from Hampshire has spoken of the admiration and good will she bears the twenty-something blonde for whom she was recently discarded by her husband. ‘The truth be told, I have let myself go a bit,’ chuckled Mrs Hazel, 48, a housewife from Liphook. ‘At my age, it’s all heading south for winter anyway, but I could have done more to slow the ravages of time. Fair play to John, she’s a stunner. And Chelsea is such a pretty name. I’m sure it sounds much better when screamed in ecstatic abandon than Brenda.’
Having initially struggled to come to terms with being dumped on her birthday, Brenda’s worst fears came to pass when she ran into her estranged husband and his new lover as they dined at the restaurant in which she’s been financially compelled to work as a waitress. ‘Let’s be honest – it could have been really awkward,’ said Mrs Hazel. ‘I’ll admit my first response was to throw scalding hot soup in her whorish face.
But she was just so charming. Eloquent, self-effacing and quite unburdened by the jaded cynicism that has come to characterise my mid-life. She even had the good manners to apologise for her part in the torrid affair that caused the collapse of my 22-year marriage. And she left me a 20% tip.’
Brenda reports that all three of her teenage children are ‘besotted’ by the newcomer in their lives and she believes it will do them ‘no end of good’ to be exposed to such a youthful and vibrant influence, especially one so much closer to their own age. Mr and Mrs Hazel still need to discuss maintenance and custody arrangements, but Brenda is reluctant to ‘crowd’ the new couple in the critical early months of their relationship.
‘She really is a lovely girl,’ sighed Brenda. ‘It’s just a shame she didn’t aim her sights a little higher than a fat, balding prick like my John.’
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no politician could have done more
Some facts that for the most part have been omitted from the MSM coverage a a recent big story. Notice how this became fron page news at a time when the MSM needed us to be destracted away from things in Washington DC?
Bill Clinton Acts Quickly to Rescue Hot Chicks
Former US President Bill Clinton has helped to secure the release of two ‘hot’ US reporters from North Korea. The women were variously described by the former president as ‘in good health’ and ‘smokin’. Senior US officials have confirmed that when Mr Clinton heard of the women’s plight he had expressed an immediate interest in their appearance.
It is not the first time Mr Clinton has come to the aid of fellow Americans. In April he came to the aid of twin sisters from Los Angeles who appeared to be trapped in a hot tub at the Playboy Mansion, and in 2007 a woman claimed he performed a ‘variation’ of the heimlich manoeuvre on her at a restaurant in Paris.
President Obama praised Mr Clinton and said ‘No politician has done more for the well-being of hot young women than Mr Clinton, with the possible exception of Silvio Berlusconi.’ The father of Laura Ling, one of the two former captives, said ‘My daughter has been rescued from a fate worse than death. I’m sure she and her friend are on their knees right now thanking the Lord that they have been spared.’
Mr Clinton is now flying back to Los Angeles with the two women in his private jet and his wife, US Secretary of State Hilary Clinton, is said to be eagerly awaiting his return so she can express her own gratitude. Former Vice-President Al Gore, who is said to have played a vital role in negotiating the women’s release, expressed disappointment that Mr Clinton had neglected to take him along. However, Mr Gore said that he was delighted by news of the women’s release and that Mr Clinton had personally assured him that they had a couple of decent-looking friends. Mr Clinton is said to be pleased with the outcome and is hoping that Megan Fox will visit Iran sometime in the very near future.
25 New Rules for the Modern Woman
If the show hasn't been DVR'd or the cable is unable to "pause" the show, you'll need to speak to us after the program has finished. Especially if it's Entourage.
Yes, we aren't sure why we like Entourage either, but we do. We gave you Carrie and her *****-friends for years, let us have Vince and his boys.
Phone conversations need to be kept to a maximum of one and a half minutes, especially if we will see you in the next two hours. Anything you can say to us can be said to our faces. Or just send us an e-mail. Especially if Entourage is on.
You are forbidden from discussing our eating/drinking/dressing habits with our mothers.
Like your orgasms, please fake excitement when we show you how to kill prostitutes in Grand Theft Auto.
As long as it isn't shit on a stick, we don't care what's for dinner.
We'd prefer not to know the details of you and your friends' menstrual cycles.
If you want the bed made, why not do it yourself?
We aren't too old for video games. We're the first generation that had video games, therefore we're pioneers when it comes to them. Expect us to play them well into our 80s.
Just because we brag about the sound and/or potency of our farts doesn't mean you're welcome to do the same.
All that talk about anal sex causing rectal cancer is total and complete bullshit.
We are not to be bothered during Shark Week.
Please, for the love of all that's good and holy in the world, don't even consider getting Kate Gosselin's haircut.
When you hand out a nickname for our genitalia, it should not end in an "ie" or a "y". Also, it's best if the name references a force of nature like thunder or a hurricane.
Even if you can drink us under the table, please don't. Especially in front of our friends.
There's no need to point out that you're taller than us with heels on.
Those naked photos of our ex-girlfriends? We only keep them around to remind us how great you are. No need to freak out and threaten decapitation.
When you get that "monthly visitor" maybe it's time we revisit an oft forgotten practice. Namely, reinstating "blowjob week".
We are to go to Las Vegas and Amsterdam alone.
It's best if you only work with female trainers at the gym. We don't want to hear about Lars with the tank-top helping you do squats.
When we're handling solo duties on the lead vocals of a Bon Jovi song in the car ... it's just that. A solo. There's no dueting in Jovi. Wait until we break out the Indigo Girls for your crack at lead vocals.
Leaving us alone with your father for 18 holes is cruel, especially when we're sure he thinks we're a pussy.
In fact, don't leave us alone with any of your family. This is most important if, for some reason, we're shooting skeet.
Nothing makes you look fat. Nothing. Don't even ask.
If your boyfriend writes a list of 25 new rules for the modern woman and publishes it on a pop culture blog - the rules apply to other women. Not you. You're perfect. And I'll make sure to pick up your dry-cleaning this afternoon.
Why men are just happier people
Nicknames
* If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
* If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
* When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
* When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
* A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
* A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
* A man has seven items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, shampoo and a towel.
* The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
* A woman has the last word in any argument.
* Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
* A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
* A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
* A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
* A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
* A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
* A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
* A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
* A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
* Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
* Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
* Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
* A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
Driving to work yesterday
I'm a guy, and was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and "flipped" the woman off.
"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself.
I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.
That's 96 miles each day.
Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an8 lane highway.
There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.
That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.
Statistically, females drive half of these.
That's18,000 women drivers!
In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.
That's 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. that is 449 .
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.
That's 98.
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.
That's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS and is armed.
Flip one off? ....... Oh hell, NO!
