Jokes & Humorous Stories

As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials,
Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E.. Coli) - bacteria found in feces.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whisky or other liquor), because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember:
Water = Poop, Wine = Health .

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
Than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service.

What 2 words best describe a night at Barney Frank's house?

Freddie and Fannie.

I was born in one country, raised in another. My father was born in another country. I was not his only child. He fathered several children with numerous women.

I became very close to my mother, as my father showed no interest in me. My mother died at an early age from cancer.

Later in life, questions arose over my real name.

My birth records were sketchy and no one was able to produce a legitimate, reliable birth certificate.

I worked and lived among lower-class people as a young adult, disguising myself as someone who really cared about them.

That was before I decided it was time to get serious about my life and I embarked on a new career..

I wrote a book about my struggles growing up. It was clear to those who read my memoirs that I had difficulties accepting that my father abandoned me as a child.

I became active in local politics in my 30's then with help behind the scenes, I literally burst onto the scene as a candidate for national office in my 40s. They said I had a golden tongue and could talk anyone into anything.

I had a virtually non-existent resume, little work history, and no experience in leading a single organization. Yet I was a powerful speaker and citizens were drawn to me as though I were a magnet and they were small roofing tacks.

I drew incredibly large crowds during my public appearances. This bolstered my ego.

At first, my political campaign focused on my country's foreign policy...... I was very critical of my country in the last war and seized every opportunity to bash my
country..

But what launched my rise to national prominence were my views on the country's economy. I pretended to have a really good plan on how we could do better and every poor person would be fed and housed for free.

I knew which group was responsible for getting us into this mess. It was the free market, banks & corporations. I decided to start making citizens hate them and if they were envious of others who did well, the plan was clinched tight.

I called mine "A People's Campaign" and that sounded good to all people.

I was the surprise candidate because I emerged from outside the traditional path of politics and was able to gain widespread popular support.

I knew that, if I merely offered the people 'hope', together we could change our country and the world.

So, I started to make my speeches sound like they were on behalf of the downtrodden, poor, ignorant to include "persecuted minorities". My true views were not widely known and I kept them unknown, until after I became my nation's leader.

I had to carefully guard reality, as anybody could have easily found out what I really believed, if they had simply read my writings and examined those people I associated with.

I'm glad they didn't. For if they had I might not have become the most powerful man in the world. And the world learned the truth.

So who reading this know who am I?

Adolf Hitler?

[QUOTE=Spearmonger]Adolf Hitler

Barrack Obama

[QUOTE=Winddance1][QUOTE=Spearmonger]Adolf Hitler[/QUOTE]

Barrack Obama[/QUOTE]People do seem to forget that Nazi stands for "National SOCIALIST". No further politics here, or was Winddance1 implying that "Barack Obama" is a joke in itself?

I think the later.

[QUOTE=Vargr]People do seem to forget that Nazi stands for "National SOCIALIST". No further politics here, or was Winddance1 implying that "Barack Obama" is a joke in itself?[/QUOTE]

I agree with Vargr, so [url=http://www.usasexguide.info/forum/showpost.php?p=841407&postcount=12]my response [/url] is here. In the [url=http://www.usasexguide.info/forum/showthread.php?t=5936]American Politics during the Obama Presidency[/url] forum.

Where it belongs.

[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uCPBXvHAah8[/url]

When you wish upon a *****
Makes no difference who you bore
Anything your schwanz desires
Will come to you...

If her crotch is in your dream
No request is too extreme
When you wish upon a *****
As dreamers do...

Fate is kind
She brings to those who pay
The sweet fulfillment of
Their secret banging

Like a bolt out of the blue
Fate steps in and you'll shoot goo!
When you wish upon a *****
Your dreams come true

Subject: Another use for a glass of milk

A man is sunbathing in his yard in the nude.

His penis becomes sunburned and the only thing he had next to him that was cool was a glass of milk. He sticks it in the milk to cool it down.

His blonde neighbor notices that he sticks it in the milk and says WOW is that how you reload that thing?

The top twelve indicators the economy is bad--

12. CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

11. I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

10. I went to buy a toaster oven and they gave me a bank.

9. Hotwheels and Matchbox car companies are now trading higher than GM in the stock market.

8. Obama met with small businesses. GE, Pfizer, Chrysler, Citigroup and GM, to discuss the Stimulus Package.

7. McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

6 People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and are learning their child's names.

5. The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.

4. People in Africa are donating money to Americans. Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "finish your plate; do you know how many kids are starving in America? "

3. Motel Six won't leave the lights on.

2. The Mafia is laying off judges.

And my most favorite indicator of all.

1. If the bank returns your check marked as "insufficient funds, " you have to call them and ask if they meant you or them.
___________________________________

A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over and sliced the man's penis off and tossed it out the car window.

Driving behind the couple was a man and his 6-year-old daughter. The little girl was chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the penis smacked their car windshield, stuck for a moment, and then flew off.

The little girl said to her daddy, "What the heck was that? "

Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age the father replied, "It. It was only a bug, Honey."

The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a moment said, "Sure had a big dick, didn't it?"

We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:

:) means a smile and

:( is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by

:-)

:-(

Well, how about some 'ASSICONS?'

Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) an ass hole

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass

You have just been e-mooned!

Our Mexican Maid

Our Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. My wife was very upset about
this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

Wife: Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?
Maria: Well, senora, there are three reasons. The first is that I iron
better than you.
Wife: Who said you iron better than me?
Maria: Your husband said so.
Wife: Oh.

Maria: The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.
Wife: Nonsense! Who said you were a better cook than me?
Maria: Your husband did.
Wife: Oh.

Maria: My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.
Wife: (really furious now) Did my husband say that as well?
Maria: No, senora, the gardener did.
Wife: So how much do you want?

Just funny.


redneck skeet shooting....................


[url]http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=RedneckSkeetShooting.wmv[/url]