Jokes & Humorous Stories

There was a man who had a problem getting an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor takes all kinds of tests and finally decides that he can cure the man. The doctor tells the man to go home and wait until his wife is asleep, and then to reach down between her legs and get a little love juice on his finger and rub it under his nose, and that this would stimulate his brain and then he would get an erection.

The man takes the doctor's advice and that night after his wife has gone to sleep he reaches down between her legs and gets some of her juice and he rubs it on his upper lip right under his nose. After a minute or two he starts to feel a tingling between his legs, so he grabs some more juice and rubs it under his nose. The next thing he knows he has a full erection.

He is real excited he wakes up his wife to share in the good news. He wakes her up and says look what I have. She rolls over and looked at him and says "You wake me up at two in the morning to show me that you have a Bloody Nose???

A WV State Trooper pulled a car over on I-64 about 8 miles west of
the Virginia/West Virginia state line.

When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the
driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on
his way to Charleston to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus
and didn't want to be late.

The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated
by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him
then he wouldn't give him a ticket.

The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his
equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of
his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three
flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in
behind the patrol car. A drunk, good old boy, from W.V., got out
and watched the performance briefly. He then went over to the
patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the
patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he
was doing.

"You might as well take my drunk butt on to jail cuz there ain't no way I can pass that test."

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time
the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many
young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he
didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to
try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study
table four objects:

a Bible
a silver dollar
a bottle of whisky
a Playboy magazine.

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to
himself, "when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which
object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like
me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's
going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks
up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a
shame that would be. And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's
gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps
as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy
tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he
spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked
over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it
under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his
pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired
this month's centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "he's
gonna run for Congress!"

A female reporter, interviewing an American Indian chief, asked the significance of the varied number of feathers in Indian headdresses.

"Feathers show number of sexual partners," the chief replied.

Indicating a nearby young brave, he continued, "Him? One woman, one feather. Him?" pointing to a second, older man, "Three women, three feathers."

The reporter looked at the Chief's headdress. "But you have so many feathers!"

The Chief proudly slapped his chest. "Me Chief. Sleep with all women.
Big, small, fat, tall."

Horrified, the female reporter said, "You ought to be hung!"

The Chief said, "Damn right. Me hung big like buffalo, long like snake."

The offended reporter said, "You don't have to be hostile!"

The Chief replied, "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style!"

The reporter cried, "Oh, dear!"

"No deer", said the Chief. "Ass too high, run too fast!"

Who is Jack Schitt?

The family lineage was carefully researched and is finally revealed. One is often at a loss for words when confronted with “You don’t know Jack Schitt”.

Well, now you can intelligently reply with the following information:
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, had married O. Schitt, the heiress and owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc.

Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt when they met in college. After their nuptials, Noe took Jack’s family name, now she was known as Noe Schitt. This deeply religious couple was very prolific and produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins – Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Sadly, after 20 years of marriage, Jack Schitt and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt remarried shortly thereafter to Ted Sherlock, and took the name Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Later in life, against their parent’s wishes, Deep Schitt married his cousin - Dumb Schitt, who was a high school drop out. The other twin, Dip Schitt also married a cousin – Loda Schitt. Yes, you guessed it; they named their son Chicken Schitt, due to his nervousness disposition.

Since early childhood, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were very close in age and personal relations. They met and married the Happens brothers in a dual wedding ceremony. Wedding invitations and announcements were sent out notifying everyone of the upcoming happy event: Schitt Happens wedding. Shortly after the celebrated event, the Schitt-Happens triplets were named - Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse.

Finally, Bull Schitt, the prodigal son of Jack & Noe Schitt, after completing college went overseas for summer work experience. There he met and fell in love with his wife while in Italy, Pisa Schitt.

So now when someone confronts you with “You don’t know Jack Schitt”, you can inform them that in fact you do know Jack Schitt.

Confucius Says....

... he who sneeze without tissue, take matter in own hands.
... wise man never play leapfrog with unicorn.
... he who sniff coke, drown.
... Macintosh computer, like man making love in cemetery, fucking near dead.
... man piss in wind, wind piss back.
... man who pull out too soon, leave rubber behind.
... man who eat pussy, do lip service.
... man with tool in woman's mouth, not necessarily dentist
... girl who marry detective, like to kiss dick.
... men may have more hair on chest than woman, but on the whole,
women have more.

[QUOTE=Headfirst]Confucius Says....

... he who sniff coke, drown.
[/QUOTE]


You can drown!?

Oh wait... I get it now....

A recently widowed Jewish lady, Golda, was walking on the beach in Florida. She looked up and noticed that an elderly gentleman had placed his blanket on the sand nearby, and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello sir, how are you?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied.

"Do you live around here?" she asked.

"Yes," he answered, continuing to read.

Golda persisted. "Do you like pussy-cats?"

With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket on to Golda, ripped off both their clothes, and gave her the most passionate ride of her life.

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Golda gasped and asked, "How did you know that is what I wanted?"

And he said....."How did you know my name was Katz?"

My 80 year old uncle said to me when we were carrying my grandmother's casket, and he saw a guy with his hands in his pockets:

"Confucius says man who walk around with hand in pants pocket is feeling cocky".

The Cowboy & The Genie

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.

His horse has already died of thirst.

He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he

sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.

He opens it and out pops a genie.

But this is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing an FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID badge and a dull gray dress.

There's a calculator in her pocketbook.

She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

'Well, cowboy,' says the genie... 'You know how I work.... You have three wishes.'

'I'm not falling for this.' said the cowboy... 'I'm not going to trust a FEMA genie.'

'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

'OK!, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.'

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'

'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!'

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says...

'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'

***POOF***

He turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story:

If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want."

The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want,so make me piss vodka."

The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks in the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted.

The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.

Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife, "Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka."His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.

The Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him, "But Boris, why do we need only one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight, my love, you drink from the bottle."

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange. The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, ''You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?''

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. ''One day,'' he begins, ''I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream.'' ''No shit?'' says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.

''Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes.''' ''Keep going!'' I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

She said, ''You now have three wishes.''

I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, ''I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger.'' She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

She then asked, ''What will be your second wish?'' ''What next?'' begged the bartender.

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, ''I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.'' She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours! Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, ''You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?''

I looked at her and replied, ''How 'bout a little head?

A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis. According to the Nurse attending, the patient's GIRL FRIEND found the wedding ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.




I don't know what's worse:

1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.

2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.

3) Discovering that your penis fits your wedding ring.

The kindergarden teacher asked the kids what they wanted to be when they will grow up ?

Little Bob : I want to be a doctor and work with the sick
Little John: I want to be a lawyer and defend people
Little Paul: I want to be a politician and make good policies for the people.
Little Steve: I want to be a farmer , have a lot of land and animals and feed the people
Little Mary: I want to be a hooker and take all their money.

My good friend Murray visited me in the hospital. I was wired like a cheap stereo with fluids going into various veins. Murray asked, "What happened dude?" I responded, "The other day I was walking by this convention center and I heard a crude remark made towards me. I told them to blow me. Little did I know it was the international nymphomaniacs convention. Six days later the police found me in the gutter. I had lost 30 pounds and later at the hospital it took 12 hours of surgery to get the smile off my face."

[QUOTE=Headfirst]My good friend Murray visited me in the hospital. I was wired like a cheap stereo with fluids going into various veins. Harry asked, "What happened dude?" I responded, "The other day I was walking by this convention center and I heard a crude remark made towards me. I told them to blow me. Little did I know it was the international nymphomaniacs convention. Six days later the police found me in the gutter. I had lost 30 pounds and later at the hospital it took 12 hours of surgery to get the smile off my face."[/QUOTE]

And it apparently caused you to forget what your good friend's name was.

[QUOTE=Baltimonger]And it apparently caused you to forget what your good friend's name was.[/QUOTE]

You're right, Balti, but Murray did have a lot of hair and my brains had been sucked out through my dick! It was worth it.

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America , Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES." <?xml:namespace prefix = o />

You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1 She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

5 She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."

A guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks. "What's up with the jar?" Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money.." The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?"

Pay first, those are the rules." says the bartender. So the man gives him
the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar."OK," the bartender says,
"Here's what you need to do:

First , You have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once...and you can't make a face while doing it.

Second, There's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have
to remove the tooth with your bare hands.

Third. - There's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm
during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her."

The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot, I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things..."

"Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."

As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks,

"Wherez zat tequila?"

He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears
streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.

Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon the
people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside. They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then silence.

Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.

"Now," he says. "Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"

Jack and Jessica met on the beach, fell in love with each other at first glance, and after three days, were married. The wedding night was just as successful as it could be, but when Jessica awoke the following morning, she found her husband dressing. She said, "Honey, where are you going?"

Jack said, "Darling, we married so rapidly, I had no chance to tell you that I'm a golf fiend. I play golf every day, I enter every tournament. I am afraid that you will rarely see me."

Jessica nodded and said, "Well, that's all right. After all, we married so rapidly, I had no chance to tell you, either, that I'm a hooker."

Jack said, "Oh sweetheart that's nothing - don't worry about that for not even a minute It's easily corrected by holding the golf club like this........."

Three Vampires walk into an English Pub.

The first one orders a Merlot.
The second orders a Cabernet.
The third orders hot water.

The other 2 look at him and say "going soft in your old age?"

The drinks arrive at that moment and the third pulls out a used tampon and replies, "Tea."

MESICAN STYLE

A Mesican from the valley found himself in San Antonio and decided to approach a prostitute down on the River Walk. He asked her, "How mush do you sharge for the hour?"

"$100," she replied.

"Do you do Mesican style?" he asked.

Not knowing exactly what this was, she refused.

He tried to sweeten the deal and said, "I'll pay you $300 to do it Mesican style."

Again she declined. Being the persistent type, he laid down a final offer.

"I'll give you $500 to go Mesican style with me! What do you say?"

Finally, she agrees, thinking, "Well I've been in the game for over ten years now. I've been there and done that, and had every kind of request from weirdoes from all over the world. How kinky could Mesican style be?"

After an hour of every possible way and position, she turned to him and said, "That was fantastic, but I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. Where does the 'Mesican style' come in?"

The Mesican popped open a can of beer and replied, "I pay you next Friday when I get my sheck."

Q: Why did God create yeast infections?
A: So women would know what it's like to live with an irritating **** once
in a while too

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate
their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession
to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with
him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get
something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second
time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you
doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to
get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more
time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and
starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn
hole."

Two buddies were driving down a stretch of road when they encountered a low bridge with a height warning sign stating "Caution - 13 feet."

Driver says "Our truck's too high at 14 feet, we can't go through that!"

Passenger says "Let's go out and take a look."

Driver says "OK."

The two buddies go out and take a look at their truck height and the height limitations of the low bridge and look around.

Passenger says "I think we'll be all right, let's keep on truckin'."

Driver says "Are ya really sure?"

Passenger says "Yeah buddy. I don't see any cops around so let's haul ass and make a go fer it!"

Stay Safe

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or it can be a condition imposed by certain unintentional displays of stupidity, to with:

While attending a marriage therapy weekend, Allan and his wife Valerie listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know what is important to each other. "

He addressed the men, "Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower? "

Allan leaned over, touched Valerie's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it? "

And thus began Allan's life of celibacy.

A salesman was traveling through the country side, selling insect
repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer.

"Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again. I guarantee it."

The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll
tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If
there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from
you. And get everyone in the county to buy a case; we'll make you rich.

The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped. The
farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a
stake. Back to the house went the farmer.

The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the cornfield. Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him.

Yet he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard and drawn, but not one bite on him.

The farmer was perplexed. "Son," he said, "Now, you don't have a bite on you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?"

The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked, \

"Doesn't that calf have a mother?

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, the demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked,"I can't hear a word your're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about!"

Q: What's the definition of eternity?
A: From the time you cum, 'till the time she goes home

[url]http://www.filecabi.net/fullscreen.php?cid=showthem_uncensored[/url]

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING

3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4 The sport of choice for supervisors
is BASEBALL.

5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

and........

6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:

The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

From the Tuesday night 8 / 28 Jimmy Kimmel Live! show =>


[i]" Conservative Sen. Larry Craig pled guilty to playing footsie with an undercover
police officer in the men’s room at the Minneapolis airport. Now he said he made a
mistake. He shouldn’t have pled guilty. The police report says he tapped his foot,
which means “I want gay sex.” It also means I’ll never wear my iPod to the bathroom again. "[/i]

[QUOTE=PsyberZombie]From the Tuesday night 8 / 28 Jimmy Kimmel Live! show =>[i]" Conservative Sen. Larry Craig pled guilty to playing footsie with an undercover police officer in the men’s room at the Minneapolis airport. Now he said he made a mistake. He shouldn’t have pled guilty. The police report says he tapped his foot, which means “I want gay sex.” It also means I’ll never wear my iPod to the bathroom again. "[/i][/QUOTE]

Psyber: Good job, Jimmy hit that one out of the park! Here's my experience:

I can't hardly stand still when a really good live band is playing. I heard one the other night, I was standing at the bar, my foot was tapping pretty furiously. There were quite a few good-looking ladies but most were either into the band and their music or stuck up. The guys there were really friendly. Several came up to me at the bar and offered to push in my stool.

Q: What's the definition of oral sex?
A: The taste of things to come.

Jimmy and Johnny are standing at the pearly gates, waiting for St Peter to let them in. Jimmy says to Johnny "I died of hypothermia, how did you die?"
Johnny replies " I thought my wife was cheating on me, so one day I decided to come home early and catch her in the act. I got home and ran all over the house and never did find her. I had a heart attack from all the activity."
Jimmy says "Oh man, you should have checked the walk in freezer, we would both be alive!"

The call girl had just arrived and half a minute later she was flat on her back in bed, completely nude. "I've heard of passionate men," she exclaimed, "but you are exceptional. What's the big hurry?"

"Well, you see," admitted her client, "I forgot I'd sent for you and I just took a sleeping pill."

Did you hear about the Indian Chief who named his daughter "Ninety-nine cents" because she was always under a buck?

The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of
a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the
United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF).

These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, West Virginia, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee, and Texas boys will be
dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the
following facts about terrorists:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer.
5. They don't like pickup trucks
6. They despise country music
7. They don't love Jesus.
8. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.

A guy went into the adult section of a department store to buy condoms. The female clerk told him, "We have the rainbow assortment on sale today, would you like those?"

The guy said, "Sure, I'll take a box."

A few months later, he went into the women's clothing section and saw that this same female clerk had transferred into the maternity section. The guy said, "I'd like to buy a maternity blouse."

The clerk asked, "What bust?"

To which he replied, "One of the damn blue ones!!"

A farmer in rural MT went to the local branch of The First Madison Valley
Bank to borrow money for a new bull. The loan was made and Banker Bill, who lent the money, came by a week later to see how the bull was doing. The farmer complained that the bull just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. Banker Bill suggested that he have a veterinarian take a look at the bull.

Next week Banker Bill returned to see if the vet had helped.

The farmer looked very pleased. "That bull has serviced all of my cows!
He even broke through the fence, and serviced all my neighbor's cows!
He's been servicing just about everything in sight. He's like a machine!"

"Wow," said Banker Bill, "what did the vet do to that bull?"

"Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.

"What kind of pills?" asked Banker Bill.

"I don't know, but they sorta taste like peppermint.