Printable View
This is outstanding!!!
[QUOTE=A John]
Have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in
"illegal immigrants,"
and add just a few more letters, it spells out:
"Fuck off and go home you free-loading, benefit grabbing, kid producing, violent, non-English speaking cocksuckers and take those hairy faced, sandal wearing, bomb making, goat fucking, smelly rag head bastards with you."
[/QUOTE]
The Big Deck.......... too funny
[url]http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=BigDeck.wmv[/url]
sharing.....................
[url]http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=sharing.wmv[/url]
[url]http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=2044sharing.wmv[/url]
The heck with the liberal AARP (American Association for Retired People).
I joined the new AARP.
Here's my new card...
Have you ever wondered where the phrase 'You have to Be Shitting Me'' came from? Well, it just so happens to have originated with the Father of Our Country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops. There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about. Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading. Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth. Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.
Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on. Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.'They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house. What they didn't know was that this was a house of I'll repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came. General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman. A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.
Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.'
Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have? '
Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters.'
And the Madam said, 'You have to be shitting me! '
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini , Italy , went to the local church for confession.
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: 'Father .. During World War II , a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'
The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.'
'There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays'
The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'
'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question.'
'And what is that?' asked the priest.
'Should I tell her the war is over?''
PHYSICAL CHECKUP
After the eighty three year old lady finished her annual physical examination, the doctor said, "You are in fine shape for your age, but tell me, do you still have intercourse?" "Just a minute, I'll have to ask my husband," she said. She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled out loud: "Bob, do we still have intercourse?" And there was a hush you could hear a pin drop. Bob answered impatiently, "If I told you once, Irma, I told you a hundred times..
What we have is Blue Cross!"
The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.
The Madame Speaker and The Pope, however, have seen it all before.
To make it a little more interesting, Madame Speaker says to the Pope, "Did You know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?"
He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.
The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do...
"That was impressive, the Pope says, "But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make many people in the crowd, and many around the world, go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."
The speaker seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and so many people will rejoice forever? Show me."
So the Pope slapped her.
A Department of Water Resources representative stops at a Texas ranch and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation.
The old rancher says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there."
The Water representative says, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"
The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.
Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the Water Rep running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull. The bull is gaining with every step. The Rep is clearly terrified, so the old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
"Your card! Show him your card"
For those of you who might be considering a road trip, be advised:
Portions of I-64, I-70, I-29 & I-90 will be closed this weekend.
Expect long delays along these interstate highways plus major
traffic disruptions in Charleston,WV, Louisville, KY, St Louis, MO,
Kansas City, MO, and Omaha, NE.
A 500-ton piece of coal is being moved from West Virginia to South
Dakota so that Barack H.. Obama can be added to Mt Rushmor
[QUOTE=Gdlint]For those of you who might be considering a road trip, be advised:
Portions of I-64, I-70, I-29 & I-90 will be closed this weekend.
Expect long delays along these interstate highways plus major
traffic disruptions in Charleston,WV, Louisville, KY, St Louis, MO,
Kansas City, MO, and Omaha, NE.
A 500-ton piece of coal is being moved from West Virginia to South
Dakota so that Barack H.. Obama can be added to Mt Rushmor[/QUOTE]
Gdlint, you might as well accept it Barack Obama is the President of The United States of America now and will probably be President for 8 years. He was elected by a majority Americans and yes he is part black as are many Americans. You must have a miserable life if have to hunt biggoted racial jokes and post them here. They belong on the neo-nazi and kkk sites. That's probably where you find this crap. Why don't you expend your energy hunting sex jokes to post on this sexually oriented site. I bet it would make you feel better.
[QUOTE=Mechanic69]Gdlint, you might as well accept it Barack Obama is the President of The United States of America now and will probably be President for 8 years. He was elected by a majority Americans and yes he is part black as are many Americans. You must have a miserable life if have to hunt biggoted racial jokes and post them here. They belong on the neo-nazi and kkk sites. That's probably where you find this crap. Why don't you expend your energy hunting sex jokes to post on this sexually oriented site. I bet it would make you feel better.[/QUOTE]I could care less what color Barack Obama is. If he was green with orange spots he is still President for as long as he is elected. I was forwarded a joke that I thought was humorous and I posted it as I do a lot of jokes. If you were offended I am sorry. I am offended by the idea that OUR President has this idea that we can spend our way out of bankruptcy but as you stated in your attack, THAT opinion belongs in another site. Lighten up 69, I am not a bigot and the whole neo-nazi thing is sickening to me.
[QUOTE=Gdlint]I could care less what color Barack Obama is. If he was green with orange spots he is still President for as long as he is elected. I was forwarded a joke that I thought was humorous and I posted it as I do a lot of jokes. If you were offended I am sorry. I am offended by the idea that OUR President has this idea that we can spend our way out of bankruptcy but as you stated in your attack, THAT opinion belongs in another site. Lighten up 69, I am not a bigot and the whole neo-nazi thing is sickening to me.[/QUOTE]I agree the joke was extremely funny. If you are offended by a joke like that you may want to go ahead and unplug all electronic devices you own cause everyone in the world is telling jokes like that one and more.
In My Hand I Hold A Ball,
White And Dimpled, Rather Small.
Oh, How Bland It Does Appear,
This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.
By Its Size I Could Not Guess,
The Awesome Strength It Does Possess.
But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell,
I've Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.
My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same,
Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game.
It Rules My Mind For Hours On End,
A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.
It Has Made Me Yell, Curse And Cry,
I Hate Myself And Want To Die.
It Promises A Thing Called Par,
If I Can Hit It Straight And Far.
To Master Such A Tiny Ball,
Should Not Be Very Hard At All.
But My Desires The Ball Refuses,
And Does Exactly As It Chooses.
It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies,
And Even Disappears Before My Eyes.
Often It Will Have A Whim,
To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim.
With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land,
It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand.
Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul,
If Only It Would Find The Hole.
It's Made Me Whimper Like A Pup,
And Swear That I Will Give It Up.
And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow,
But The Ball Knows ... I'll Be Back Tomorrow.
Stand proud you noble swingers of clubs and losers of balls....
A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
That means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.
Kind of makes you proud. Almost feel like a hybrid.
[QUOTE=Gdlint]I could care less what color Barack Obama is. If he was green with orange spots he is still President for as long as he is elected. I was forwarded a joke that I thought was humorous and I posted it as I do a lot of jokes. If you were offended I am sorry. I am offended by the idea that OUR President has this idea that we can spend our way out of bankruptcy but as you stated in your attack, THAT opinion belongs in another site. Lighten up 69, I am not a bigot and the whole neo-nazi thing is sickening to me.[/QUOTE]
That was a pretty funny joke. Obama made the color differences an issue when he pointed out that he did not look like any of the other presidents on our money - never mind that all of them are dead.
I don't like racial Obama jokes simply because they take the focus away from the terrible job that he is doing and give some folks a platform to start screaming racism every time that Obama is criticized for another boneheaded move.
But that joke is funny.