Jokes & Humorous Stories

Special birthday

It was Jim’s birthday, and he was considered to be an “old man” by his friends standards. So, to liven him up a bit, Jim’s friends decided to give him something special for his birthday. They bought him a hooker.

The call girl, as she preferred to be called, went to his house and knocked on the door. When Jim answered, she said “Hi I’m your birthday present!”

Startled, he asked “What am I supposed to do with you?”

“I’m yours for super sex,” she answers.

So Jim replied “Well, I’m 75 years old so I’ll have the soup.”

[QUOTE=A John]Happy 4th of July..........................


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Well I hope none of those lovely sparkler holders suffered the same results [url=http://www.usasexguide.info/forum/showpost.php?p=830969&postcount=1433]this idiot[/url]. His ass probably looks better this way, the others only deserve lots of TLC. ;)

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute so at least I can tell you what happened..' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but that will be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days..

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight..

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

A blonde drops off a shirt at the cleaners.

On the way out the door, the lady at the counter says " Come Again"... The blonde says "no its toothpaste this time you nosy *****".

This is outstanding!!!!
[QUOTE=A John]The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute so at least I can tell you what happened..' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but that will be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days..

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight..

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'[/QUOTE]

[url]http://www.mosnews.com/weird/2009/07/07/strongvagina/[/url]

A Powerful Message from Stevie Wonder On Michael Jackson’s Death…


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....... ... ... ... .. ... ....... ... .. .... ... ... .... ....
. .. .. .
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Deep stuff, eh?
I nearly cried when he said “. .. . . . .. .. … .. .. . . .... ....”

DONALD AND DAISY


Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was, 'Do you have a condom?'

Donald frowned and said, 'No..'

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

'Maybe they sell them at the front desk,' she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.

'Yes, we do,' the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked, 'Would you like me to put them on your bill?

'No!' Donald quacked, ‘I'll thuffocate’

If you hear a loud rumble in the sky today its not thunder.

Its Elvis whoopin' Michael Jackson's butt for marrying his daughter!

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend

the night with her for $500. They did their thing,

and, before he left, he told her that he did

not have any cash with him, but he would have his

secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling

the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had

done, realizing that the whole event had not been

worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check

for $250 and enclose the following typed note:

>>

'Dear Madam:

Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your20

apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon,

because when I rented the place, I was under the

impression that:

#1 - it had never been occupied;

#2 - there was plenty of heat; and

#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.

However, I found out that:

#1 - it had been previously occupied,

#2 - there wasn't any heat, and

#3 - it was entirely too large.'

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately

returned the check for $250 with the following note:

' Dear Sir:

#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a

beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.

#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you

know how to turn it on.

#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of

regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture

to fill it, please do not blame the management.

So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.

*A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.*

*She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'*

*He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'*

*So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.*

*One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.*

*After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.*

*She said, 'That was incredible!'*

*He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'*

*So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.*

*After seventy -five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel a nd was hardly out of breath.*


*He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'*

*'No,' she said, 'I was a hooker in Pittsburgh and I worked both sides of the River*

Did you know:

That the words race car spelled backward says race car.

That eat is the only word that if you take the 1st letter and move it to the last, it spells it's past tense ate.

And

Have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in
"illegal immigrants,"
and add just a few more letters, it spells out:

"Fuck off and go home you free-loading, benefit grabbing, kid producing, violent, non-English speaking cocksuckers and take those hairy faced, sandal wearing, bomb making, goat fucking, smelly rag head bastards with you."

How weird is that?

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.
For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a
hat over his manhood.
A woman walks past and says, snickering,
"If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly
it would lift itself."

While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait,.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car with that classic patronizing smirk asked,.....'What's your hurry?'

To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammered, 'A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.'

'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole? 'he asked.

'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...'

How To Keep Your Mother In Law From Visiting



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