[url]http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1775379[/url]
We all have had these conversations.
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[url]http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1775379[/url]
We all have had these conversations.
A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Mum'. With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
'Dear, Mum.
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing this to you and Dad.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Mum. She's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!
Don't worry Mum, even though you think that I'm immature at 15, I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Nicholas.
"P.S. Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on my desk"
I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.
Subject: The Last Nickel
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives
the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly,
the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the
boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The
boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son,
the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a
blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and
sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up,
puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on
the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across
the restaurant. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his
pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and
twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up
the last nickel,which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father
and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects,
the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying,
"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was
fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"No,'"the woman replied. "I'm with the I.R.S..."
==========================================================
Subject: I Pazzi a Roma
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip
to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser,
who responded:
" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirt y..
You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline.
Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're
always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River
called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be
something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people
trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant."
"Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser
asked her about her trip to Rome .
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one
of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they
bumped us up to first class.
The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old
steward who waited on me hand and foot.
.....And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million
remodeling
job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were
overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no
extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know
you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a
Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope
likes to meet some of the visitors,
and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the
Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and
shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"
He said: "Who fucked up your hair?"
THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
'If you want your breasts to grow, then every day takes a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.' Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will this take?' I asked.
'They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.
I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'
Without missing a beat he says 'Worked for your ass, didn't it?'
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag.
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
10 years and 45 lbs
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blond baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong"
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with.... "a recipe".
How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ..." -
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit...."
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.'
He addressed the man,
'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's
Pillsbury, isn't it?
Hooker named Indoor Athlete of the Year
[url]http://news.smh.com.au/breaking-news-sport/hooker-named-indoor-athlete-of-the-year-20090429-an7h.html[/url]
It's not as interesting as it sounds...
After going through a virus attack,
losing a hard drive,
fighting off hackers,
upgrading all my software,
installing fire-walls,
Being threatened with being cut-off by my email provider,
and a host of other problems...
I have fixed my computer...
and NOW it works exactly the way I want it to!
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Circumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
21. A backward poet writes inverse.
22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!
Why did the blonde realtor get breast implants?
Flotation, Flotation, Flotation!
A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed. He thought his picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.
He thought this was quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he drove past the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again. He tried a fourth time with the same result. The fifth time he was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a snail's pace.
Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone fa iled to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.
The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2.. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit , thus causing the phone to ring.
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.
Thought you'd like to know
Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream has introduced a new flavor
In honor of the 44th President of the United States , Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream has introduced a new flavor;" Barocky Road ". Barocky Road is a blend of half Vanilla, half Chocolate, and surrounded by Nuts and Flakes. The Vanilla portion of the mix is not openly advertised and usually denied as an ingredient. The Nuts and Flakes are all very bitter and hard to swallow. The cost is $100.00 per scoop.
When purchased, it will be presented to you in a large beautiful cone, but then the Ice Cream is taken away and given to the person, who can't afford it, in line behind you.
Thus you are left with an empty Wallet, no change, holding an empty cone, with no hope of getting any Ice Cream. The socialistic dream come true
... were changed after the Inglewood busts.
[QUOTE=Tashload]... were changed after the Inglewood busts.[/QUOTE]OMG, that is great!