Jokes & Humorous Stories

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day,
only to be
confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum
cleaner.

'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could
take a couple minutes
of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest
in high-powered
vacuum cleaners.

'Go away!' said the old lady. ''I'm
broke and haven't got any money!''
and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door
and pushed
it wide open.

''Don't be too hasty!'' he said.
''Not until you have at least seen my
demonstration.'' And with that, he emptied a bucket
of horse manure onto
her hallway carpet.

''Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all
traces of this horse
manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the
remainder.''

The old lady stepped back and said, ''Well let me
get you a fork, 'cause
they cut off my electricity this morning."

Mothers Day Song (oh you GOTTA hear THIS one!)
Dave just has a way of singing a Mothers Day song

[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kWyXhD6LJ7E[/url]

"Dear God, this year please send clothes for all those
poor ladies in Daddy's computer...... Amen" !!!

Reminds me of a 1960's song on Something Weird Video's first nudist compilation video collection ("Nudists & Nudism, Vol. 1" or something like that?). A little boy sings about how he'll redeem pop bottles for money if his mother would stop being a "topless go go dancer"!

Nascar NEWS. Jeff Gordon fires his entire pit crew This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of the government's scheme to employ Harlem youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of dollars worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team. As most races are won or lost in the pits. However-Gordon got more than he bargained for!

At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN number, and sold the car to Dale Jr. For 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower.

Recessions hit us all differently. Al Capone once complained that hard times forced him to lay off 4 judges and 2 Congressmen.

"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.

With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after he met a Redneck who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.

The Redneck simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the Redneck asked for the man's opinion.

"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed.."

The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.

"Well,"the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."

The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."

So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the Redneck... "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell... pregnant when you met her."

A first grade teacher in inner city Detroit asked her children what kind
of sound a pig makes.

Tyrone stood up and said, "Up against the wall, motherfucker!"

CURE FOR CONSTIPATION

If you are bothered by occasional or frequent constipation, look in the
mirror and repeat the following phrase three times in succession when
symptoms occur:

"My financial and personal well being are totally in the hands of Barack
Obama, Joe Biden, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, Tim Geithner, Hillary
Clinton, Rahm Emmanual, Barney Frank, andChris Dodd.

If that doesn't scare the shit out of you, then you are probably destined
to be backed up for the rest of your life.

Weenie Test
Three third graders from Tennessee, an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a African American kid are on the playground at recess. The Irish kid suggests that they play a new game. 'Let's see who has the largest weenie.' He says, 'Okay.' They all agree.

The Irish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. 'That's nothing,' says the Italian kid.

He whips his out and proudly shows that his is at least an inch longer

Not to be out done, the African American kid whips his out. It is by far not only the biggest, but the fattest.

That night, eating dinner at home, the African American kid's mother asks him what he did at school today.

'Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book and then during recess, my friends and I played a new game called 'Let's see who has the largest weenie.'

'What kind of game is that, honey?' asks the mother.

'Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies and I had the biggest! The other kids say it's because I'm African American. Is that true?
'No, Leroy. It's because you're eighteen and still in the third grade.'

Divorce

A woman says to her mother, 'I'm divorcing Sheldon. All he wants is anal sex, and my ass hole is now the size of a quarter, when it used to be about the size of a dime.'

Her mother says, 'You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $1,000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away over 15 cents!'

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the Pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide. "

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need Cyanide? "

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband. "

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide! "

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different.

You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Hey Bubba,

Big'un, Duke, Slim & I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour.
Don't mess with the pit bulls - they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.

Better wait outside.

Cooter

Here is a riddle for the true intellectual. Try to come up with the answer on your own. The answer is at the end for those who are unable to think this one through. Here's the riddle:

At the exact same time, there are two 35-year-old men on opposite sides of the earth. One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers at the 85th floor. The other is getting a blow job from an 85-year-old toothless woman. They are both thinking the exact same thing. What are they both thinking?

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Don 't look down.
Don 't look down.
Don 't look down.

Summer temps are just around the corner, now is a good time to check out your car's air conditioner!

How to check your car's Air Conditioner.
1. Roll up the windows
2. Turn the AC on Hi
3. Put the tester in the car.

Yup it's working!

Sorry AC tester were sold out within hours of hitting the shelfs...

Now on back order, way,way back order......