Jokes & Humorous Stories

The Revenge

Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together.

As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.

Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.

So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's cock and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone." Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome.

He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents.

cake farts.............


[url]http://www.cakefarts.com/[/url]

[QUOTE=Anything Cool]In Minneapolis there is a local bar band named "Hookers and Blow".[/QUOTE]

In Baltimore there is a band called "Handjob"

Actually, searching for "Handjob in Baltimore" is how I discovered the band and this site.



Bench

[QUOTE=Anything Cool]In Minneapolis there is a local bar band named "Hookers and Blow".[/QUOTE]

I used to live in Madison, Wisconsin, right near the corner where Hooker meets Pleasure:

[url=http://maps.google.com/maps?f=q&source=s_q&hl=en&geocode=&q=hooker+%26+pleasure,+madison,+wi&sll=37.0625,-95.677068&sspn=48.77566,67.324219&ie=UTF8&t=h&z=16&iwloc=A]Street map[/url]

There is a road in Virginia Beach named Pleasure House Road. It runs down to the water's edge and before Virginia became 'civilized' there was a house of pleasure at the end of the lane.

Long before my time.

[QUOTE=A John]cake farts.............


[url]http://www.cakefarts.com/[/url][/QUOTE]
I was waiting for the cake to be decorated with some more "chocolate" frosting.

Misfit

A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of? '

The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT. ' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.

'That's very good! ' replied the interviewer. 'And, now you sir? ', he asked the second man.

'Hmmm. Let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of. '

'Excellent! ' said the interviewer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed. ' He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. 'It 's hard to beat the speed of light, ' he said.

Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA. '

'WHAT! ? ' said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants. '

BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!

You probably will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now on!

1. Letter to my bank;
Dear Sirs,
One of my checks was returned marked "insufficient funds". In view of current developments in the banking industry, does that refer to me or to you?

2. When I was born, I was given a choice -
A big penis or a good memory..
I don't remember, what I chose.

3. A wife is a sex object.
Every time you ask for sex,
she objects.

4. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men -'don't' and 'stop',
unless they are used together.

5. Panties:
Not the best thing on earth,
but next to the best thing on earth.

6. There are three stages of sex
in a man's life:
Tri Weekly, Try Weekly,
and Try Weakly.

7. Despite the old saying,
'Don't take your troubles to bed',
many men still sleep with their wives!

8. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

9. What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans
life?
Life sucks, job sucks,
and the wife doesn't.

10. Motto to live by;
'If you can't stick 'em, lick 'em< /B>

(Postage Stamps)

Saw this on a bumper sticker in Dayton many years ago.

"Life's a *****. Then you marry one."

Then there was the personalized plate on a small sports car driven by what (from my angle) looked like a decent young lady.

"SLEZZZY"

Lost her by the time I could turn around to follow and try to find out. :(

I saw a hottie driving a VW that said:

If your going to ride my ass at least pull my hair.

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A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is." The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is. The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!" The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's
backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Don't you just love lawyers

One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife 'Perhaps we should start washing your Clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your Butt!'

His Wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the Husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out. 'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put Baby Powder in my Underwear?'

She replied with a snicker. 'It's not Baby powder, It's 'Miracle Grow!'

I called my stockbroker today and asked him, "What are you buying?"

His answer: “Canned goods and ammunition.”

Sounds right to me.

New Game Show


[url]http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=NewGameShow.wmv[/url]

Colin Farrel was recently asked about prostitutes and he said, "It’s like ordering a pizza."

"When it’s delivered, it’s never quite as hot as you hoped it would be."