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A 2006 study by Texas A&M University found that the average American
walks about 900 miles per year.
Another study by the American Beer Institute found that Americans drink an
average of 22 gallons of beer a year.
That means, on average, Americans get approximately 41 miles per
gallon.
Not bad!!
A guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex. "I think my privates are too small." He tells the doc.
The doctor asks him which drink he prefers. "Well, Lager," he replies, quite bemused. "Aaaahhh. There's your problem," says the physician knowingly. "It shrinks things, those Lagers. You should try drinking Guinness. That makes things grow."
Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face. He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.
"I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doc. "No", replies the man "but I've got the wife on Lager!"
Cinderella was sitting on her porch just weeping and sobbing when suddenly a Magic Fairy came by and asked her why she was crying. She told the Fairy that she was always forced to work on the pumpkin farm and therefore never found any time to meet guys and never got laid.
Upon hearing this, the Fairy suddenly took out her magic wand and pointed it at the pumpkin and turned it into the most beautiful dildo a girl could ever dream of. However, she warned her that she can only use this dildo until midnight and not to dare try it longer than that.
Obviously, Cinderella paid no attention to the warning and started to have fun with the dildo totally loosing track of time. When the Fairy came back the next day, she realized that Cinderella was still crying except only harder and louder and obviously in a great deal of pain!
She immediately went down to her and asked her how yesterday went and Cinderella said it went really well until Midnight.
"So what are you crying about?" the Fairy asked.
"Because you never told me this thing would turn back INTO a pumpkin after midnight!"
OUCH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
An attractive young woman was in the doctor's office.
The doctor said, "I'll be doing a vaginal examination now."
She said, "Oh, doctor, is that really necessary?"
Oh, wow, did he get mad!
"Listen!" he said, "who is the chiropractor here -- you or me?"
Two friends were at a bar discussing life and love. One said, "Would you believe that out of them of all the women I've been with not a one of them was a virgin? It'd be nice if girls saved themselves for marriage. I think it would cure a big part of the huge divorce crisis we have."
"Yeah, Jim, I hear you," said the other. "Out of all the women I've been with I've only had two virgins myself; my wife and yours."
[QUOTE=Bad Bad Boy]Cinderella was sitting on her porch just weeping and sobbing when suddenly a Magic Fairy came by and asked her why she was crying. She told the Fairy that she was always forced to work on the pumpkin farm and therefore never found any time to meet guys and never got laid.
Upon hearing this, the Fairy suddenly took out her magic wand and pointed it at the pumpkin and turned it into the most beautiful dildo a girl could ever dream of. However, she warned her that she can only use this dildo until midnight and not to dare try it longer than that.
Obviously, Cinderella paid no attention to the warning and started to have fun with the dildo totally loosing track of time. When the Fairy came back the next day, she realized that Cinderella was still crying except only harder and louder and obviously in a great deal of pain!
She immediately went down to her and asked her how yesterday went and Cinderella said it went really well until Midnight.
"So what are you crying about?" the Fairy asked.
"Because you never told me this thing would turn back INTO a pumpkin after midnight!"
OUCH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!![/QUOTE]
She'd be alright if PETER PETER PUMPKIN EATER does outcalls ;)
(bad, i know- but I HAD to go there!)
After being married 25 years, I took a look at my wife and said, "Honey, do you realize that 25 years ago, I had a cheap appartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond?"
"Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
Now my wife is a very reasonable woman ...She told me to go find a hot 25 year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car,and sleeping on a sofa bed ....
I shut up and took out the trash ... !!
Aren't older woman great .. ?
They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis ... !!!
Towards the end of the golf course, Butch hit his ball into the woods
and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball
back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden.....POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman
appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me
to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't
have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life Better still, you
won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life......As a
matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of
your life!!!!!"
Then POOF!.....she was gone!
After Butch recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend; 'Fred,
where are you?" Fred yelled back, "I'm over here in the pussy willows."
Butch shouted back, "DON'T SWING, FRED; FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T
SWING!"
A tour bus of sight-seeing senior citizens was traveling through northern Nevada. The bus was makiing frequent stops at many landmarks, and the guide would give a little history.
The bus next paused briefly at the Mustang Ranch, near Sparks, Nevada. The guide said, "We are now passing the largest house of prostitution in America."
A lone male voice could barely be heard from the rear of the bus. . . "And so, vhy aren't ve stoppng???"
A lady swallowed a super Gillette razor blade and her doctor discovered that not only had she given herself a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy and a hysterectomy, but that she had also castrated her husband and circumcised her lover, taken two fingers off a casual acquaintance, given her minister a harelip.... .... and there were still 5 shaves left!
How many Democrats does it take to change a light bulb?
Don't know, we're still waiting on the report of which Republican to blame the blown light bulb on.
I'm not sure I agree with the winner but there's plenty of fun here...
Beer Vs. Vagina
1. Beer is always wet. Vagina needs a little work.
One point to BEER
2. Warm beer tastes awful.
One point to VAGINA
3. A really cold beer is satisfying.
One point to BEER
4. If after taking a swig of your favorite beer you find a hair
between your teeth, you may vomit.
One point to VAGINA
5. If you get home reeking of beer your wife may get mad, make
a scene, kick you out, etc. If you get home reeking of vagina your wife may
get mad, kick you out, even leave you. There's definitely a point to be
had here, depending on your point of view and personal circumstances.
I'll just call it a DRAW for the time being.
6. Ten beers in one night and you can't drive home. Ten vaginas in
one night and you don't want to drive anywhere.
One point to VAGINA
7. If you have a lot of beer in a public place, your reputation may
suffer. If you eat any vagina in public, you become a legend.
One point to VAGINA
8. If a cop stops you and you smell of beer you may get arrested. If
you smell of vagina he may buy you a beer.
One point to VAGINA
9. You normally don't find old beer.
One point to BEER
10. Too much beer and you'll think you see flying saucers. Too much vagina and you'll think you've seen God.
One point to VAGINA
11. Ripping off a beer bottle label is boring. Ripping off panties is fun.
One point to VAGINA
12. In most countries there's a tax on beer.
One point to VAGINA
13. If you have another beer the first one never gets pissed off.
One point to BEER
14. You can always be sure if you're the first one to open a bottle or a can.
One point to BEER
15. If you shake beer it'll get all agitated but eventually it settles down.
One point to BEER
16. With beer you always have choice: clear, dark, pilsner, ale, lager, etc.
One point to BEER
17. You always know how much beer is going to cost.
One point to BEER
18. Beer doesn't have a mother.
One point to BEER
19. Beer never expects to be hugged for half an hour after you drink it.
One point to BEER
FINAL SCORE: BEER: 10 VAGINA: 8
That's it! The matter is settled, the clear winner is: BEER
PS: If you are a woman and at this point feel angry, degraded or discriminated against, just remember that Beer would experience none of
those feelings, let alone express them.
You need a woman who will let you have both. LOL
What do people mean when they say their computer went
down on them?
Two lesbians walk into a House of Ill Repute.
They ask for the youngest woman in the joint.
The Madam says that she will not allow the youngest girl any time with them.
The lesbians make the demand again, "We want the youngest girl here!"
The madam says, "No. I don't serve minors to lickers."
A group is planning a trip for July 30, 2007
to the home of one of the earliest Indian settlements.
The excursion will consist of a bus trip to the Seneca Nation, and a guided tour along the Allegany River which runs through it.
Cost of the trip is 299.00 P/P which includes lodging and food.
If you'd like to go; book early, as I anticipate space will be extremely limited.
We'll do some sight seeing,! wildlife photography and that sort of thing. The highlight of the trip will be the river tour. No white water rapids, but perhaps a few small bumps that might result in your getting a little wet.
What makes the trip especially meaningful is that our river guide is a full-blooded Seneca; born and raised in the area, and extremely knowledgeable of the territory and any obstacles we may encounter on our journey.
Below I have attached photos of the historic area, the river and of course our river guide whose name is "UCAN TUCHUM"
If you are! interested, let me know as soon as possible.
This trip is often sold out a year in advance.
Dear Abby,
I've been going out with this girl for a couple of weeks now and I really like her and want to take the relationship to the next level. I have one problem though. On our first date she told me she was sick, but I can't remember if she said she had TB or VD. What should I do? Lovelorn, Portland, OR
Dear Lovelorn:
If she coughs a-lot, screw her.
The elderly couple walked into the doctor's office and said, "Sonny, we just met a few days ago, and we have a special request. We'd like you to watch us make love." The doctor thought that was odd, but he agreed. The couple took off their clothes and went at it on an examining table. When they were through, the doctor said, "I didn't see anything unusual. In fact, You've both got great stamina for your age." The couple thanked him and left. To the doctor's surprise, they arrived for another appointment and made the same request. The doctor again told them they were fine. But when they came back a third week, the doctor said, "I think you're both being overly cautious. There's no need for you to come here to make love." The elderly man said, "Yes, there is, Sonny. You see, we're both married to other people, so we can't screw at home. A motel room is $50. You only charge $40, and Medicare covers 80% of that!"
An expert on marital bliss recently offered the following key to marital bliss: "Never argue with your wife, just dicker."
Two men, Dan and Bob, were sitting in a bar, talking over a few beers. Dan noticed how down Bob looked. "What is wrong, Bob, you look like hell," Dan offered.
Bob agreed with him. "Yeah and I feel like it too, I caught my wife with my best friend today."
Dan was stunned. "My God, Bob, what did you say to her?"
"I told her to pack her stuff and get out, it was over."
"Good for you," said Dan. "And what did you say to that so-called friend of yours?"
Bob looked Dan straight in the eyes and said, "I grabbed him by the collar, pulled him up, and said...Bad Dog!"
How many Democrats does it take to change a light bulb?
1. One to propose that it should be changed
2. One to form a study group to determine why it needs to be changed;
3. One to determine if the Bush administration can be blamed, even though the light bulb is in Kalifornia;
4. Fifty-one to raise our taxes so we can buy a new $500 light bulb;
5. One to take a bribe, and hide the money in his freezer, so his company gets the contract;
6. One to appear on NBC and CBS to explain why we needed to raise taxes;
7. One to link the light bulb to the rise in crime;
8. One to to link the light bulb to the problems in the Middle East;
9. One to explain that the light bulb was needed so Clinton would know who he was screwing;
10. One to explain that it can't be changed because we can't define "is";
11. And finally Clinton to explain that "I never had sexual relations with that light bulb".
A young lady who thought she was overweight went to see a dietitian. She walked into his office and asked several questions about dieting, exercise, and other things. Her final question to the dietitian sparked his interest.
She asked, "How many calories are in sperm?"
"Why?" he asked. She explained some of the things she liked to do.
After thinking a minute, he said, "I really have no clue. But if you're consuming that much of it, no guy is going to care if you are a little chunky!"
An old geezer was watching tv when he screamed, "Martha, get in here right now. You wouldn't believe the perverted thing they're showing on TV." His wife walked in, took a look, then said, "Put on your glasses, you old goat. That's just Castro eating a banana."
What Is The Difference Between A Straight Rodeo And A
Gay Rodeo?
At A Straight Rodeo They Yell `Ride Them Suckers!'.
A very ugly woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids. The Wal-Mart Greeter asks, "Are they twins?"
The ugly woman says, "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they really look alike?"
"No," replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice.
After school one day Todd, an eager second-grader, came up to his mother and asked, "Mom, what's a pussy?" Somewhat startled by the question, but directing her answer away from the adult definition, the mother replied, "Son, sometimes people say the word pussy, for short, when they really mean pussycat. You know like Boots, the cat that lives next door. Boots could be called a pussy or better yet, pussycat." That didn't compute with what Tod heard on the playground that day, but he continued, "Mom, what about a b!tch? What is a b!tch?" She pursued her puritanical theme by answering, "Todd, an adult female dog is commonly referred to as a b!itch. But Son, where did you hear such words?" "From the fourth-graders on the playground, Mom," he replied. "I think you should play with your second-grade friends and stay away from those fourth-graders," the mother stated. Later, Todd found his dad working in the garage. He went up to his dad and asked, "Dad, what's a pussy?" The dad contemplated how he should answer this delicate question. Then resolving that an honest question deserves an honest answer, he reached up on the top shelf of his tool bench and took down a copy of the Playboy magazine. He pulled out the centerfold and laid it on the workbench. With a felt-tip pen the dad drew a very tight circle around the vulva of the nude playmate-of-the-month. Pointing to the centerfold and looking his son square in the eye, the dad said, "Todd, Son, everything inside that little circle is called a pussy!" "WOW," said Todd as his eyes bugged at the small circle. Now that made more sense about what he heard on the playground that day. "Dad, what's a b!tch" Todd asked? "Well, Son, a b!tch is everything outside that circle."
Two goat farmers were looking over there land when they seen one goat had his head stuck in a log.
The first farmer said to the other "well go down there and help him out" the farmer walked over to the goat and pulled his pants off and had his way with the goat.
He yells back to farmer #1 and asked if he would like a turn. Farmer #1 says hell yea and runs over and sticks his head in the log.
A girl comes home from her first day of work at her very first job. She tells her dad she did not get paid today and it will be 2 weeks before she will see any money.
She asks her father if she could have a few bucks until she gets paid. He says "yea but its going to cost you a bj."
She agrees and starts in on the bj. She looks up and says " dad your thing smells like poop"
Dad says "well your grandpa came by today and needed a few bucks for his meds."
A priest is hearing confession at his church.
"Forgive me father" says the penitent, "for I have sinned. I am a single man and I have had sex four times in the last week with Fanny Green." He is blessed by the priest who tells him to say five Hail Marys and go in peace.
The next penitent arrives. "Forgive me Father" he prays, "I have sinned. It has been a month since my last confession and in that time I have had sex twenty times with Fanny Green" The priest tells him to say five Our Fathers and ten Hail Marys and go in peace.
The next parishioner comes to confess saying, "Forgive me Father, I am a married man. It has been two months since my last confession and in that time I have had sex every day with Fanny Green." The priest by this time is very much perturbed but blesses the man and sends him on his way. However he cannot but wonder about Fanny Green. It is, after all, only a small parish in which the priest knows every soul. But he has never, before today, heard of this Fanny Green.
Nonetheless, it's time for mass and the priest heads off to lead the service.
Just as he is about to offer the host, the doors of the chuch burst open, and a statuesque vision of loveliness, the likes of which he has never seen, walks into the church. She is dressed in green from head-to-toe: Green shoes, green dress, green coat and a green hat, topped off with a green feather.
This apparition confidently walks down the center aisle to the front pew where she takes a seat and fixes the priest with a seductive smile....all the time her legs slightly apart, just like that Sharon Stone....and he can see...almost.....he thinks....her pussy.
The priest is completely flustered and in the middle of mass too. He turns to the alter boy, wondering if this is the woman of whom he has heard so much about in confession.
"Tell me, lad," he asks, "is that Fanny Green?"
"Noooooo Father, I think it's just the reflection from her shoes"
The husband and wife were undressing one night when she said, "Joyce and Mary were talking about their husbands' anatomy today. Joyce said that her husband filled out his shorts so well that they hired him to model jockey shorts." Her husband said, "So?" "Then Mary said her husband got so long and hard that they hired him to model condoms." "I hope you stood up for me," he said. "I did," his wife replied." I told them you could be a model too." "Thank you." "If," she went on, "anybody needed a model for a cocktail wiener."
A man is showering up in a locker room with his buddy when he notices his friend has a huge penis. "Damn Bob, you're hung!" Jim exclaims.
"I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for it." "What do you mean?" Jim asked." Well, everyday for the past two years I've spent an hour each night rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds crazy but it actually made it grow 4 inches! You should try it."
Jim agrees and the two say good bye. A few weeks later the two are in the same locker room and Bob asks Jim how his situation was. Jim replied, " I did what you said but my penis has actually gotten smaller! I lost two inches already!" "Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day with butter?"
"Well, butter is expensive, so I've been using Crisco."
"Crisco?!?" Bob exclaimed, "No wonder man, Crisco's shortening!"
The wife appeared before the judge and said, "I want a divorce from that jerk over there." The judge said, "Why do you want the divorce?" "Because he's a terrible lover." The judge asked, "How long have you been married?" "Fourteen years," she replied. "I don't understand. Why did you wait fourteen years to divorce your husband for being a terrible lover?"
She said, "Because, your Honor, until this insurance salesman stopped by my house last week, I didn't know."
Florida State Rep. Bob Allen (R) has been arrested for offering to perform oral sex in the men's room.
From his official house profile...
Recreational Interest: water sports
Priceless.
Benchseats Rock
[QUOTE=Benchseats Rock]Florida State Rep. Bob Allen (R) has been arrested for offering to perform oral sex in the men's room.
From his official house profile...
Recreational Interest: water sports
Priceless.
Benchseats Rock[/QUOTE]
GOP= [b]G[/b]ay [b]O[/b]ld [b]P[/b]erverts
What happens when a whorehouse catches fire?
Some come out running and some run out coming!
Two girlfriends are having a conversation about their boyfriends when the first one says: "My boyfriend said he fantasized about having two girls at once." The other replies, "Yeah, most men do. What did you tell him?" I said, "If you can't satisfy one woman, why would you want to piss off two?
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST:
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman
wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a
television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with
me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him
legally."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes
and dislikes."
He addressed the man,
Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's
Pillsbury, isn't it?
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a
ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some
tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to
the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a
tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo
much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a
word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women
use a day. 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for
my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the
Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed
him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says . "HEBREWS"
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his
wife to wake him at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he
wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would
find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why
his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
Three Arkansas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing
surgeries they had performed.
One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Arkansas.
In my favorite case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an
accident. I reattached them and 8 months later he performed a private
concert for the Queen of England."
The second surgeon said. "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and
both legs in an accident. I reattached them and 2 years later he won a
gold medal in track and field events in the Olympics."
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a
woman was high on cocaine and marijuana rode a horse head-on into a
train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the
woman's blonde hair, her damaged brain, and the horse's ass.
I was able to put them together, and now she's running for President."
After our honeymoon, I felt like a new man.
She said she did, too.
*************************************************
What's the difference between a penis and a prick?
A penis is fun, sexy and satisfying...
A prick is the guy who owns it.
The kindergarten class was learning the senses. Today was taste.
"I am going to give you all something to taste and you tell me what it is!" said the teacher. "Open your mouth, stick your tongue out, and close your eyes."
She went around the class placing a bit of orange on their tongues. Most of the class chimed in "It's an orange!"
Next, she made the circuit with little bits of apple. There were a few kids who weren't sure, but they all finally agreed that it was apple they were tasting.
Then the teacher dabbed a drop of honey on each student's tongue. All were puzzled. None of them had any idea. The teacher said "OK, let me give you a hint: this is what your mommy calls your daddy sometimes!"
This prompted little Johnny to yell "Quick, kids, spit it out! She's feeding us assholes!"