A friend sent this and I thought I would share!!
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A friend sent this and I thought I would share!!
Why is a joke like pussy?
Neither is any good if you don't get it.
Abe went to a brothel and told the madam, "I want a girl with big boobs and a small box."
"Why?" she asked him.
"Never mind!" replied Abe. "I`m paying for it. I want a girl with big tits and a small cooze!"
"No problem," said the madam. "Go straight up the stairs to room 23."
A few minutes later there was a knock on the door, and a young woman walked in.
"Okay," she said, "are you the guy with the big mouth and the small pecker?"
Meet the newest members of [URL='http://*******.com/yygcdt']The Mile High·jackers Club[/URL]
I'm trying to find a certain joke but I can't find it. I only read the first couple of pages so I'm not sure if this has been posted:
I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, quite a lot, and that was my mother-in-law to be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted with me which made me feel uncomfortable.
One day she called me and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations, so I went. She was alone and when I arrived she whispered to me, that soon I was to be married and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. So before I got married and committed my life to her daughter, she wanted to make love to me just once.
What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. So, she said, "I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me." I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door. I opened it, and stepped out of the house. Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said, "We are very happy and pleased. You have passed our little test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in your car.
A very shy guy goes into a pub on Valentine's Day night and sees a beautiful woman sitting alone at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I brought you a drink? " She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight! "
Everyone in the pub is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table totally red faced.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologises. She smiles at him and says, "I'm really sorry if I embarrassed you just then. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations. "
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"
The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt-out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.
The only rule was that they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products, that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable. About seven minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top Ten List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone.
The top ten were:
10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper.
8. Viagra, Like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, home of the whopper!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!
And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. This is your winkie. This is your winkie on drugs.
If the Indians had killed a cat instead of a turkey, we would all be eating pussy for Thanksgiving.
Happy Turkey Day!
Q. What do women and airplanes both have in common?
A. They both have cockpits.
Q: Why did the snowman smile?
A: Because the snowblower is coming.
Q: How did the hilbilly find his daughter in the woods?
A: Pretty Good!
Q. Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
A. 8 Something :P
Q. What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A. One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with.... the other is used to carry groceries.
Q. What is the new gay website address?
A. c : enter ### (see colon enter pound pound pound).
Q. What is the new O.J. website address?
A. slash slash backslash escape.
Q. When does a cub become a boy scout?
A. When he eats his first Brownie.
Q. What do you call a blonde grabbing at air?
A. Collecting her thoughts.
Q: What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?
A: By the time you're finished with the breast and thighs, all you have
left is the greasy box to put your bone in.
Q: What is the difference between a geneologist and a gynecologist?
A: A geneologist looks up your family tree and a gynecologist looks up your bush.
Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
A: Miracle Whip.
Q: What's the difference between a prostitute and a trapese artist?
A: One's got a cunning stunt...the other has a stunning ****.
Q: What is the name of Moby Dicks father?
A: Poppa Boner
Q: What is the difference between anal sex and a microwave?
A: A microwave doesn't brown your meat
Q: What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked up by 'the fuzz'?
A: No. But I've been swung around by the tits.
Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.
Q: What do you call blondes in a freezer?
A: Frosted Flakes!
Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted.
Q: Why are Blonde's coffins shaped like a triangle?
A: Because everytime their head hits a pillow their legs open.
Q: What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
A: They are both empty from the neck up!
Q: Why has the wave been outlawed at baseball games?
A: Because all the blondes used to drown .
Q: Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?
A: They think their picture is being taken.
Q: What do you do if a Blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth!
Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar bill on her head?
A: All you can eat under a buck.
Q: What do a Blonde and a turtle have in common?
A: Once on their back, they're both screwed.
Q: Why did the blonde have bruises on her belly button?
A: Because her boyfriend was blonde too.
Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
A: Because she got an "F" in sex
Q: How do you describe 3 prostitutes and a blonde?
A: Ho, Ho, Ho, and to all a good night.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who dropped out of nursing school?
A: She was doing great until she found out she would have to perform the Hymenlick Maneuver.
Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
A: Because it kept falling out.
Q: What is the blonde's favorite potato chip?
A: (Frito-Lay).
Q: Why can't blondes be cattle ranchers?
A: They can't keep their calves together!
I saw this posted by The Flatline in Hollywood. He gets all the credit here for this gem.
"Mother nature threw ladies a twist
When she gave us an organ that fits in our fist.
Although for pussy we always are itching,
Sometimes the hand beats the sound of their bitching"
The other day, I was accosted by a hooker. She asked, "How 'bout some relaxing oral sex, honey? Only $50"
"No way!" I responded. "I'm married!"
"So? What difference does that make?" asked the hooker.
So I told her, "The difference is, my wife will do it for only $35."
When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and
during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex?
"Tarzan not know sex." he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said "Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified Jane said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how
to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said,
pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood,
stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually
she managed to gasp for air and screamed "What did you do that
for?"
Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."
This guy picks up a beautiful blond in a bar and takes her back to his place
They have bare·back sex in every position all night long
As dawn breaks , she suddenly sits bolt up·right in bed and exclaims =
" OMIGAWD!! I forgot to ask you something !! Have you ever been tested for AIDS ??!!?? "
The guys says " Yep .... and I'm negative "
" Thank Goodness " the blond sighs " I wouldn't want to catch *that* again !! "
The MORAL of the story =
If you haven't already been circumsized , get clipped .... it way reduces your chances of contracting HIV =
[URL]http://www.usasexguide.info/forum/showpost.php?p=448225&postcount=251[/URL]
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at
him and say hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he
knows her from. So he says, "Do you Know me?" To which she replies, "I think
you're the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only
time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the
stripper who I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching,
while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???" She looks into his
eyes and calmly says... "No, I'm your son's math teacher."
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big ugly red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a freaking diamond.
BBB