View Full Version : Jokes & Humorous Stories
Pages :
1
[
2]
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
- "You make me hornier before 9 AM than most people do all day!"
- "What's a pathetic weak piece of @#$%*! like you doing in a !&%#@$ dump like this??"
- "Drop trou and give me 20!"
- "Care to accompany me on a quiet, romantic, moonlit beach for a 5-mile hike and a hundred push-ups?"
- "Soldier, I'm admiring your strategic frontal mammary tissue mounds, two each."
- "Remember 'An Officer and a Gentleman'? I'm neither, baby."
- "The penalty for being out of uniform is a spanking."
- "Wanna know why I'm called a 'drill' sergeant?"
- "Drop and give me 69!"
- "Baby, you put the 'fox' in 'foxhole'."
- "You'll only have to give me one pushup soldier, if it's your bra."
- "Your perfume reminds me of napalm in the morning."
- "Drop and give me 20 -- on my lap."
- "Wanna help me get an 'honorable discharge'?"
- "Uncle Sam ain't the only one who wants you."
Q-Who is the worlds best goalkeeper ? A-A woman Q-why ? A-Because, whichever way you fu*k her, the balls just wont go in.
What's the height of conceit? Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Height of confusion
What is the height of confusion? Two earthworms having sex in a bowl of noodles.
Height of frustation
Q: Whats the height of Frustration? A: A boxer trying to scratch his balls
Q: Whats the height of Poverty? A: A woman stitching her husbands torn condoms....
Indefinitely
What is the definition of indefinitely? When your balls are slapping up against her ass you are in....definitely.
WHAT IS A KISS ? ANS. VERY SIMPLE ITS AN INQUIRY IN THE TOP FLOOR ABOUT THE VACANCY IN GROUND FLOOR....
Shoe laces and smart men have one thing in common..They keep in touch with several holes simultaneously.
Q: What is the secret of long life? A: Morning 2 eggs, evening 2 pegs and night 2 legs!
Son asks his Dad diff between LOVE, BELIEF & RELIEF.
Father says: Your Mom is my LOVE. Your maid is my RELIEF & I'm your Dad - well, that’s my BELIEF
What’s a mixed feeling? When you see your Mother-in-law backing off of a cliff in your new car.
Wife: what would you give me if I reached mt.everest? Husband: a push!
Man comes home, finds neighbor on top of wife. He rushes out screaming, ' what to do? '
If I hit him on head, it's murder. If I hit him on butt it goes in further!
John asks his grandpa:” Do you still have sex with granny?" Grandpa:"Yes,but only oral."
John says:” What is oral?" Grandpa:” I say F~ck you,and she says: F~ck you 2.".
Teacher: What do you want to become????
Sam: Doctor...!!!!!
Teacher: Why????
Sam: Because its the only profession where you can tell a woman to take off her clothes & ask her Husband to pay 4 it....!!!!
Two streetwalkers were on a street corner. They started discussing business, and one of the hookers said,
"Gonna be a good night, I smell cock in the air."
The other hooker looked at her and said, "No, I just burped."
WHAT A GUY SHOULD NOT SAY AFTER SEX
* "I was kidding about being sterile, you know."
* "Do you always fart like that when someone shoves it in?"
* "How come it's so BIG in there?"
* "You've done this with a lotta guys before, right?"
* "Next time I come over, don't bother with the underwear, OK?"
* (Sniff, sniff) "Is that CAT food?"
* (Yelling) "OK guys, it's a wrap, cut, and print it!!"
* "You are great in bed, but your sister gives better head!"
* "My first wife was prettier, but you can screw a lot better."
* "Do you know what a 'douche' is?"
* "Maybe if you did some pushups, your boobs would grow."
* "I want you to try some of MY deodorant."
* "I'm not into relationships. Can't we just screw, like every
Tuesday night or something?"
* "Maybe if you lost some weight, I could get it all the way in!"
* "I never saw a girl with hairy boobs before!"
* "I've been getting these little blisters lately....."
* "You wanna do those dishes before you leave?"
* "You should go wash that, the cabbie will think something DIED in
there!"
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some butt hole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added: "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here.
"Where are you from, son?"
"Alabama, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Alabama?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but ****** and football players there."
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Alabama."
"No shit?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"
A guy goes to Vegas and gambles his first day away. He does really good! So, he decides to hire a hooker. He stops at a street corner and picks up the first hooker he finds, and takes the hooker back to his hotel room. He gets up there, and says, "I want a blow job." The hooker looks at him and says, "That'll be $350." The guy is floored. "$350! Why so expensive?!" The hooker says, "Look out the window into the parking lot. You see that BMW? I paid cash for that because I give the best BJ's in town!" So the guy pays, and he is not disappointed. The next day he gambles again, and makes even more money. He is so excited that he spends the rest of the afternoon looking for the same hooker. After locating the hooker, he goes back to the hotel room. "Tonight I want to go Greek," he informs the hooker. The hooker says, "That'll be $800." The guy is floored again. "$800! Why so expensive?!" The hooker says, "Look out the window. You see that high rise penthouse? I paid cash for that because I have the best ass in town." So the guy pays and he is not disappointed. The next day he does really well again at gambling. So he gets the same hooker back in his hotel room. "Tonight, I want straight up pussy." The hooker says, "Look out that window. Do you see that mini-mall?" The guy says, "Oh, let me guess. You own that too?" The hooker says, "Nope. But I would if I had a pussy."
Bill was walking through the mall when he observed this knockout blonde approaching him.
He says to the lady, "You are a gal with my favorite kind of legs!"
The blonde asks, "And just what kind of legs are they?"
Bill says, " They have feet on one end and pussy on the other!"
One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a
sorry sight, starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all
matted down. We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took
her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her
"Pussycat.? The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he
would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband (the
complainer) said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.? He
reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat,
not him. My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my
husband ?El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They
love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my
husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion. The next
day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the
same building, next door to the vet. The MD's waiting room and office
was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and
the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked
straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, "Your wife's pussy
doesn't stink any more We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like
a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who
the father is!" Then he closed the door.
Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!
God made woman perfect from the waist up.
From the waist down was man made by an Italian.
Who else would put a shit house next to a snack bar!
An old man walks into a bank and says to the woman at the window, "I
want to open a damn checking account."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have
misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this
bank"
The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform
him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have
to listen to that foul language. They both return to the window and the
manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. I just won $200 million bucks
in the damn lottery and I want to put my damn money in this damn bank. "
" I see, " says the manager " and is this b*t*h giving you a hard time?"
Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just
know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want
to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for
her hand. Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Jones,
me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in
marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Jones replies,
"Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies,
"In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit
there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Jones says with a huge
grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to
get a job. You'll need to support Jenny." Again, Bruce
instantly replies, "Our allowance. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week
and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and
that should do us just fine."
By this time, Mr. Jones is a little shocked that Bruce has put
so much thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come
up with something that Bruce won't have an answer to. After a
second, Mr. Jones says, "Well Bruce, it seems like you have got
everything all figured out. I just have one more question for
you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones
of your own?" Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well,
we've been lucky so far."
Mr. Jones no longer thinks the little shit is so adorable!
Mary and the Teapot
Earl was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he
sent his wife Mary to the hardware store.
At the hardware store, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf
while she was waiting for Carl, the manager, to finish waiting on a
customer.
When Carl was finished, Mary asked "How much for the teapot?"
Carl replied, "That's silver and it costs $300."
"My goodness that sure is a lot of money!" Mary exclaimed. Then she
proceeded to describe the hinge that Earl had sent her to buy, and
Carl went to the back room to find it.
From the back room Carl yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?"
Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."
And this is why you can't send a woman to a hardware store.
A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that?
she is staying home because she is not feeling well.
"What's the matter?" he asks.
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.?
"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"?
"I can't see my ass coming into work today
Muffbuster69
03-02-07, 21:45
Pussy Is Like Snow,it Doesnt Always Cum When Its Supposed To, U Usually Get Too Much Or Not Enough And Only Some Of It Is Clean Enough 2 Eat.
Muffbuster69
03-02-07, 21:46
Man Says 2 Wife How About I Cum In Ur Ear? Wifesays No I Might Go Deaf.....man Says Ive Been Cumming In Ur Mouth For 25 Years And Ur Still Talking
Muffbuster69
03-03-07, 08:03
Bad Humor
Teeth
A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is standing outside of the ladies dressing room waiting for his Mom to come out. While waiting the little boy gets bored and just when his Mom comes walking out, she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt. "Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?" The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten.
For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women have teeth between their legs.
When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend. One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over for a little action. After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says, "You know, you could go a little further if you want."
"What do you mean?" he asks.
"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to her crotch.
"Hell no," he cries, "you've got teeth down there!"
"Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "there's no such thing as teeth down there!"
"Yes, there are," he says, "my Mom told me so."
"No, there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.
"No, I'm sorry" he says. "My Mom already told me that all women have teeth down there."
"Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head and says, "LOOK, I DON'T have any teeth down there."
The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well, after seeing the condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!"
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the
stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights
go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said
to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"
Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you
a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same
stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat
patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose
that is?"
The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea,"
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to
discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally and by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload- Recreational- Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK, take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating- Neutralizer- Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer -Elimination- Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should forward this warning to your friends. If you do not have any friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.
DEFINITELY - NOT POLITICALLY CORRECT
If a bra is an upper topper titty flopper stopper,
and a jock strap is a lower decker pecker checker,
and a roll of toilet tissue is a super duper doody pooper scooper,
What do you call a Japanese drummer boy whose father has diarrhea?
A slap happy Jappy with a crap happy pappy.
The 1st Affair:
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM ..
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
"You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!"
The 2nd Affair:
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest c hild he had ever seen.
He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"
The 3rd Affair:
A mortician was working late one night
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
"I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"
The 4th Affair:
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."
The 5th Affair:
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man thought.
He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied,
"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
The 6th Affair:
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to," his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,
"Do you think I'll live to be 80?
"He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?
"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
"I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"
"No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things.
"He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you give a shit?"
A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart
With her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way
through the entrance. She's dressed in dirty jeans, a greasy T-shirt
with holes in it and wearing flip-flops exposing her cracked and filthy toenails.
When she yells at the kids, she exposes her yellowed, crooked teeth with more
than a few missing.
The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.
nice children you've got there. Are they twins?"
The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't!
The oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the Hell would
you think they're twins? Do you really think they look alike?"
"No," replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe someone had sex with you twice."
Benchseats Rock
03-09-07, 04:41
A boy is standing on top of a cliff, looking down at the sea and crying his eyes out. A priest approaches and says, "My child, why are you so upset?"
The boy turns to him and says, "My mum and dad were in their car -- and it just rolled over the cliff and smashed on the rocks down there."
The priest slowly looks around him while unbuttoning his cassock and says, "It's just not your day, is it?"
There were three little babies sitting next to each other in shopping carts in the grocery store.
The first little baby said, "Ugh, the worst thing in the world
-- my mom just bought pablum!"
The second baby said, "Well, this is worse -- my mom just bought strained peas!"
The third baby said, "You think that's bad. How would you like to share a tit with a guy that smokes cigars!"
A little boy's first day in school and a teacher was going to play a "guessing" game. She passed out different items to each of the students and proceeded to ask each student what item they received.
When it was the new boy, Jimmy's turn, the teacher gave him a Hershey's kiss. She asked "Do you know what it is?"
Jimmy replied "No."
The teacher said, "Go ahead and open it up and taste it." Little Jimmy did so.
The teacher then asked, "Now do you know what it is?"
Little Jimmy said "Nooooo."
The teacher said, "I will give you a hint; it is something your daddy wants from your mommy every morning before he goes to work."
A little girl in the back of the class jumps up and screams "JIMMY, SPIT IT OUT... IT'S A PIECE OF ASS!!!!!"
"God invented the orgasm so women can moan even when they are happy"
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "YOU CAN BE
THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE"
He stormed in to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on,
you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished
eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner,
you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex
that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can
relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's
going to dress me and comb my hair?"
The wife replied, "The fuckin' funeral director would be my first guess."
A man gets up one morning to find his wife in the kitchen cooking, he looks to see what she's cooking, and sees one of his socks in the frying pan.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk," she replied.
Completely puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself, "I don't remember asking her to cook my sock..."
Kirstyforme
03-14-07, 14:00
I was reminded of this old adage today so I thought I'd share.
What's the difference between a mathematician and a physicist?
Put them at one end of a room and put several gorgeous naked women at the other. Tell them that they may move towards the women but with each move they may only move exactly half the distance remaining. The mathematician will give up as he KNOWS that he can never get there. The physicist will be delighted as he knows he can get close enough!
Top 20 ways to say "Your Fly Is Open"
20) The cucumber has left the salad.
19) I can see the gun of Navarone.
18) Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd
is hanging out.
17) You've got Windows in your laptop.
16) Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15) Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
14) Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.
13) Paging Mr. Johnson.. Paging Mr. Johnson..
12) You need to bring your tray table to the upright and
locked position.
11) Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10) Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9) Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8) Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7) The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6) Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5) You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
4) Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
3) You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2) I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY TO TELL SOMEONE THEIR FLY IS UNZIPPED...
1) I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts.
While riding one day, a cowboy met an Indian riding along with a dog
and sheep and began a conversation. Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"
Indian: "Dog no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' alright."
Indian: Look of shock.
Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" pointing at the Indian.
Dog: "Yep"
Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Indian: Look of total disbelief.
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Indian: "Horse no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Indian: Extreme look of shock.
Cowboy: "Is this your owner? " pointing at Indian
Horse: "Yep"
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."
Indian: Total look of utter amazement.
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Indian: "Sheep liar."
My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while
we are in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No." She answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
Yes." She replied.
Then I said, " I'd like to phone a friend."
That's the last thing I remember.
Did you hear about the plastic surgeon who hung himself?
Little Johnny hears the word whorehouse in school and asks his father what it means. His father is quite shocked, and replies, "Well, uh, you go there to, uh, have a good time."
Little Johnny starts screaming and hollering that he wants to go there, too, but his father insists that he's too young.
Saturday night rolls around. Little Johnny's dad and a few of his friends head out to Mable's ("Liquor In The Front, Poker In The Rear! -- Our Customers Come First!) for a "good time."
Naturally, Little Johnny tags along secretly.
After his dad and his dad's friends have come and gone, Little Johnny knocks on the door. The Madame opens the door. "Yes?" she asks.
"I'm here to have a good time!"
The Madame is a little puzzled, but being a kind-hearted soul, invites Little Johnny inside. She gives him three donuts and then bids him goodbye.
When he gets home, his dad is frantic. "Where have you been?"
"I went to a WHOREHOUSE!" Little Johnny proudly boasted!
Little Johnny's dad blanched. "Uhh, you did? Umm, how was it?"
"Well, I managed the first two without any problem, but I was only able
to lick the third one!"
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her
students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd
grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade
too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms.Brooks he would
give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to
go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed
to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader
should know.
The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to
the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"
Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the
answer.
Harry: "Bubble gum"
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and
a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot
of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Fire truck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in
the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask
over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult surgical
procedure.
A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here
to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles,
she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in
the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look
and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?
Bill and Hillary
Posted on March 8, 2007 at 18:55:02 by from the Democratic National Committee
Bill and Hillary were at the Yankee season opener sitting in the first row, with the Secret Service agents directly behind them. One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to Bill. At first, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head.
The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was at the unanimous request of the entire team, from the owner on down to the bat boy."
Bill hesitates...but begins to change his mind when the agent tells him the fans would love it! Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, "Okay, if that's what the people want." With that, Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto the field.
She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming, "I'll kill you! You Mother *%$%**!!!.. The crowd goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up & down, cheering, hooting & hollering, and high-fiving. Bill is bowing, smiling and waving to the crowd. He leans over to the agent and says, "How about that! I would have never believed how much everyone would enjoy that!"
Noticing his agent has gone totally pale, he asks what is wrong.
The agent replies, "Sir, I said they wanted you to throw out the First "Pitch"
Two men are sitting in the waiting room of a doctor's office. The one looks at the other and says, "What are you here for?" The man answers, "I have a red ring around my pecker. What are you here for?" The man replies, "I have a green ring around my pecker."
Soon the doctor calls the man with the red ring into his office and examines him.
As this man is walking out of the examination room he tells the other guy that the doc says a red ring is nothing to worry about. A minute later the doctor calls the man with the green ring into his office and proceeds to examine him.
The doctor says, "Your pecker is gonna fall off and you are likely going to die." The mans is in shock. He says, "What! You told the man with the red ring he was ok, but I'm gonna die??"
"Yes," says the doctor, "but there's a big difference between lipstick and gangrene!"
"Seniors in Texas "
An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "seniors" in
Texas . Ray always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy
boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them,
wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the
house and says to his wife: "Notice anything different
about me?"
Bessie looks him over: "Nope."
Frustrated Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses,
and walks back into the room completely naked except
for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time,
"Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"
Bessie looks up and says: "Ray, what's different? It's
hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday,
and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Ray yells: "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS
HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN
BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!"
To which Bessie replies: "Shoulda bought a hat,
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips. Yet she won't drink from my glass!
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home. " I Went over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning? " She said, "No, I hate myself now. "
I knew a girl so ugly, she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off. I knew a girl so ugly they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
My wife is such a bad cook; if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night.
My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't of had anything to play with.
This is pretty cool you can locate your SO exact whereabouts just by entering in the phone number. GPS then takes over and lets you know the exact whereabouts.
http://www.sat-gps-locate.com/
Bad Bad Boy
03-28-07, 21:42
Top 10 Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women
#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the
road.
#8. If you admire a friend's gun he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.
#3. A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the #1 reason a gun is favored over a woman....
YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN
A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.
The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100 bills. Then, there's a knock at the door. He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead.
As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other one," I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But, why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me."
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Before you scroll down for the answer, see if you can figure it out. Come on. Think! How many?
If you're ready to give up, go ahead and scroll down. But you're going to be embarrassed if you don't have the right answer!
A dedicated Teamsters union steward was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local Amps.
When he got to the first one, he asked mamasan, "Is this a union house? "
"No" she replied, "I’m sorry it isn’t. "
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get? "
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20" she answered.
Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.
His search continued until finally he reached an Amp where mamasan responded "Why yes sir, this is a union house.
"We observe all union rules. "
The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get? "
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20. "
"That’s more like it! " the union man said.
He handed mamasan $100, looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive Korean girl.
"I’d like her, " he said.
"I’m sure you would, sir, " said mamasan. Then she gestured to a 92 year old woman in the corner, "but Sunny here has 67 years of seniority and according to the union contract, she’s next. "
A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the
counter and says, "Hi ... you know, I just hate drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is just excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary will be $300,000 per year."
The guy, wide eyed, says, "You're bullshitting me!"
The social worker says, "Yeah, well ... you started it."
Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and
pass a
flower shop where the redhead sees her boyfriend buying her flowers.
The Redhead sighs and says: "Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers
again."
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says: "You don't like getting
flowers from your boyfriend?"
The redhead replies: "I love getting flowers, but he always has
expectations
after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next
three
days on my back with my legs in the air."
The blonde says: ........"Don't you have a vase?
A grandson came to visit his grandparents & noticed his
grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocker, wearing only
a shirt, naked from the waist down.
"Grandpa, whatcha' doing? You're weenie's out in the wind
for all to see!" he exclaimed.
Grandpa looked off in the distance, not answering.
"Grandpa, whatcha' doin' sitting out here with nothing on
below the waist?" he asked again.
Grandpa looked at him & said, "Last week I sat here with no
shirt on & got a stiff neck This is grandma's idea..."
Three men,one german,one japanese,and a hillbilly were sittind naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The german pressed his forearm, and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my beeper," he said i have a micro chip under the skin of my arm." A few minutes later a phone rang. T he Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained , "That was my mobile phone. I have a micro chip in my hand." The hillbilly felt deciidedly low tech,but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive.He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind, The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The hillbilly finally said...."Well ,will you look at that, I'm getting a fax.
After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another
man on her nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry.. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be
reassured.
"No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery."
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)zurn
If you farted constantly for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.(Hmmmmmm......)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
( I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to, maybe even a chuckle.
In other words, send it to everyone! (And God love that pig!).
A married couple both lost their jobs and were having a hard time finding new jobs. Unfortunately, their mounting credit card debt required some immediate income.
The wife suggested that she could wh*re herself out, but her husband was a little less than thrilled about the prospect. But financial necessities got the best of her, and she went behind her husband's back to go whoring.
She came back one night with a huge wad of cash, and fessed up to her
hubby. He was upset, but asked how much she made.
"$398.10," she said.
"Who paid ten cents?" he asked.
"Everybody."
The other day, Mike was seeing his shrink, and he asked Mike what he looked for in a woman. Naturally Mike replied, "Big tits."
The shrink clarified, "No, I meant for a serious relationship."
Mike replied, "Oooh, OK, seriously Bigggg Bigggg TITS!"
"No, no, no. I mean what do you look for in the one woman you want to spend the rest of your life with?" queried the psychiatrist.
Mike just sat there on his couch with a puzzled look upon his face. "Spend the rest of my life with one woman?" Mike replied,
"Forget it, no woman's tits are that big!!!"
http://www.theage.com.au/news/national/sacked-hostess-poses-for-mens-glossy/2007/04/09/1175970954784.html
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?" "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered. "Oh yeah?" the man asked, "And where were you when I got married?"
A guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.
Guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?"
Customer says, "Female"
Counter guy asks, "Black or white?"
Customer says, "White"
Counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"
Customer says, "What the hell does religion have to do with it?"
Counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows itself up!!
Daddy Lows
04-14-07, 19:33
Anal video link.... check out the face. What face? You'll see.
Peace
http://www.yuvutu.com/modules.php?name=Video&op=view&video_id=9055
Benchseats Rock
04-14-07, 20:05
Anal video link.... check out the face. What face? You'll see.
Peace
http://www.yuvutu.com/modules.php?name=Video&op=view&video_id=9055
Someone should teach that guy how to fuck. I mean, if it's worth doing at all, it's worth doing well.
Bench
KC Questor
04-14-07, 20:12
For those of you who got bored or just fast forwarded, look at his balls about 3/4 of the way through.
Benchseats Rock
04-14-07, 20:42
For those of you who got bored or just fast forwarded, look at his balls about 3/4 of the way through.
I hope mine don't do that....
KC Questor
04-15-07, 05:19
Well, if I ever get the chance to pop a girl's backdoor cherry, I think mine will do that too.
Thanks for the screen grab. If I didn't think people would misinterpret it, I'd make it my avatar (on other boards).
Muffbuster69
04-18-07, 21:02
The Artist
Billy Joe Bob, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew and soon people from all over the country were coming to him for paintings.
One day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo.
She asked Billy Joe Bob if he would paint her in the nude. This was the first time anyone had made this request, but the beautiful lady said money was no object and that she was willing to pay $50,000 for the painting.
Not wanting to get into trouble with Bobbie Sue, his wife and cousin, Billy Joe Bob asked the lady to wait while he went in the house and conferred with Bobbie Sue.
In a few minutes he returned and told the lady he was willing to do it ... however, he would have to leave his socks on so he would have some place to wipe his brushes.
go to this link......and laugh your ass off..,,,
http://s94.photobucket.com/albums/l96/airmanwilliams20/?action=view¤t=GREATESTDOGEVER.flv
Muffbuster69
04-19-07, 06:21
At The Marriage Counsellors
After 25 years of marriage, a man and his wife came in for counselling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into an angry tirade, listing every problem they had ever had in their 25 years of marriage.
She went on and on -- neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unloveable -- a long list of unmet needs in their quarter-century of marriage.
After allowing this go on for a sufficient length of time, the marriage counsellor finally stood up, walked around his desk and, asking the wife to stand, embraced her and kissed her passionately on the mouth.
The woman shut up and, in a daze, quietly sat down. The therapist turned to her husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least seven times a week. Do you think you can do this?"
The husband thought for a moment, then replied, "Well, Doc, I can drop her off here on Monday's and Wednesday's, but on the other days I play golf."
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes
later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.
A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the
bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is
screaming.
"What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring
my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time
I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my nuts."
The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You idiot! You're
sitting on the mop bucket!"
Johnnycab614
04-19-07, 17:20
A guy and a gal meet at a bar.
They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.
The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says "Yes....how did you figure that out?"
"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing led to another and they make love.
After they are done, the girl says, "You must be a really good dentist."
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Well yes, I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"
"I didn't feel a thing!"
Johnnycab614
04-19-07, 17:23
1. Cover your stump before you hump
2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3. Don't be silly, protect your willy
4. When in doubt, shroud your spout
5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong
7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize
10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
12. If you go into heat, package your meat
13. While you're undressing venus, dress up your penis
14. When you take off her pants and blouse, slip up your trouser mouse
15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker
17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18. The right selection will protect your erection
19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil
20. A crank with armor will never harm her
21. No glove, no love!
Over the past few years, scientists at Heinz say they've been developing what they say is a revolutionary new kind of baby bottle. It's a baby bottle actually shaped like a woman's breasts. If that's true, forget baby bottles, make beer bottles.
A guy walks in and sits down at a bar. The side of his face is bruised and bleeding so the bartender asks, `What in the world happened to you, buddy?'
The guy says `Oh, I got in a fight with my girlfriend and I called her a two-bit wh*re.'
`Yeah,' says the bartender. `What did she do?'
`She hit me with her bag of quarters!'
A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?"
"I would love to," replied the husband, "but I don't know her well enough."
"Just try to relax, this won't take long," said the gynecologist trying to calm the obviously nervous young blonde patient.
"Haven't you ever been examined like this before?" he asked.
"Yeah, sure," she replied, "but not by a doctor!"
Bad Bad Boy
04-23-07, 21:06
A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a
tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below her bikini line. She also wants
him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good. The woman then
instructs him to put a Santa tattoo with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking good, too. As the woman is getting
dressed to leave, the tattoo artist asks, "If you don't mind, could you tell me
why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"
She says "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's
nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"
Man calls 911 about lap dance money
Gannett Wisconsin Newspapers
CLYMAN — A man called 911 early Saturday when he apparently gave $20 for a lap dance to the wrong woman.
The man gave the $20 to a woman in the T&T Gentlemen’s Club, 942 Main St., Clyman, according to Dodge County Sheriff’s Department dispatch logs.
Unfortunately the woman he gave his money to was not an employee of the club and left with his money without providing the dance, according to the report.
According to the log, dispatchers could hear arguing in the background when the man called 911 on his cell phone.
Officers are trying to locate the woman.
Link : http://www.thenorthwestern.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20070422/OSH/304220030/1987
Bill and Bob were sitting in a bar, and Bob was complaining about his current live-in girlfriend. "I'm telling you, Bill, I've about had it with her. She keeps bringing her work home night after night. I'm seriously considering just moving out and ending the relationship."
"Well," replied Bill, "I can see how that could indeed be very annoying. But having a girl who's interested in her career is hardly a reason to break up."
"It is if your girlfriend's a hooker." said Bob.
A fellow was talking to his buddy, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."
His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way that she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled."
So the fellow did.
The next day his buddy asked, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"
"Yes, I did," said the fellow.
"...And did she like it?" His buddy asked.
"Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door yelling, "I'll be back in an hour!!!"
A man goes to the dentist to have a tooth pulled. The dentist takes out a needle to give the man a shot of Novacain.
"No way, no needles, I can't stand needles.
"The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas but the man again objects.
"No gas, please the mask on my face is suffocating to me."
The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill.
"No" said the patient "I'm fine with pills."
The dentist then returns and says "Here's a Viagra tablet."
The patient says "Wow, I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain pill."
"It doesn't" said the dentist "but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull out your tooth
Bubba applied for an engineering position at a Lake Charles refinery.
A Yankee applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions.
The manager went to Bubba and said "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the Yankee the job."
Bubba asked: "And why are you giving him the job? We both got nine questions correct. This being Louisiana, and me being a Southern boy, I should get the job!"
The manager said "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the one question that you both missed."
Bubba then asked: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
The manager replied: "Bubba, its like this. On question #4 the Yankee put down "I don't know." You put down, "Neither do I."
"Doctor, I've got this problem," a man says. "My secretary, she loves to give blow jobs. Every morning when I get to work I get a blow job. She gives me a quick one before I leave for lunch. And before I leave work at the end of the day, she really works me over."
"So what seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.
"Well, you see, my wife is a nymphomaniac," the man continued. "I service her every morning when we get up. I go home for a quick half hour everyday at lunchtime and then we have a marathon session each night before we go to sleep."
"I still don't know what your problem is," said the doctor.
"You see Doc, every time I masturbate I get these dizzy spells."
Muffbuster69
04-30-07, 19:59
Bad Humor
Well Trained
A young farm couple, Homer and Daisy, got married and just couldn't seem to get enough lovin'.
In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. After supper, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love.
The problem was their nooner: it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't getting enough work done.
Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do.
"Homer," said the doctor, "just take your rifle out to the fields with you and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Daisy's signal to come out to you. Then you won't lose any field time."
They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while until one day when Homer came back to the doctor's office.
"What's wrong?" asked the Doc. "Didn't my idea work?"
"Oh, it worked good," said Homer. "Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Daisy'd come runnin'. We'd find a secluded place, make love, and then she'd go back home agin."
"Good, Homer. So what's the problem?" asked the Doc.
"Ah mighta trained her too good. I ain't seen her since huntin' season started
Holy Holes
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St.Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter,"It's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams. "Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"
"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."
"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."
"You can't go there,"says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and taken advantage of."
"Maybe so, says the old lady, but I've already got the holes for that."
"My Girl"
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five-iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"
"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole; we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.
We went to look for them and while I was looking around, I noticed one of the cows had something white in its rear end."
I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife ' s monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow ' s butt."
"Still holding the cow ' s tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"
I don ' t remember much after that...
Member #6770
05-02-07, 16:24
NEVER CHOKE IN A RESTAURANT IN THE SOUTH
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. After ordering their cornbread
and beans, they talk about the latest addition to their junkyard
business.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to
cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real
distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya' swallar?" The
woman shakes her head 'no.'
"Kin ya' breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head
'no.'
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress,
yanks down her drawers and quickly, gives her right butt cheek, a lick
with his tongue!
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction
flies out of her mouth! As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly
walks slowly back to the bar.
His partner says, "Ya' know, I'd heerd of dat dere 'Hind Lick Maneuver',
but I ain't never seed nobody do it."
Staggering in from their anniversary dinner, the drunken husband collapsed in a chair and let out an enormous belch.
"That's it George! I've had it this time." his wife screamed. "I'm cutting you off forever."
"That's impossible," he replied, "you don't even know where I'm getting it."
A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, They were both very tired and fell asleep quickly... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own fucking blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted.
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, I clocked
you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps
your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear,
you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife
and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar
detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector
unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn
it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your
seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it
off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back
pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your
seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver
turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always
talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
" Only when he's been drinking."
A group of very attractive young female city employees discovered they could nicely supplement their income by moonlighting as call girls. One of the girls discovered she was more successful as a blonde after having her hair bleached. She convinced the others that the old saying, "Blondes have more fun," is true. The ladies became so popular that they were able to charge exorbitant rates. They even charged their taxi fares to the Johns they served. When hard times hit and the market got soft, they needed a bigger come-on. Some of them understood the economic law of supply and demand, so decided to lower their rates. They decided not to include taxi fares in the fees they charged their customers. They have become known as: The taxi-free municipal blondes.
A group of very attractive young female city employees ... have become known as: The taxi-free municipal blondes.
DC government, right? Oh wait, you said attractive...
KC Questor
05-04-07, 16:40
DC government, right? Oh wait, you said attractive...
DC girls are HOT"
"As a July 5, 2006 Washington Times article pointed out, not only are there a lot of young bodies entering the District, with an estimated 20,000 interns coming to D.C. each summer, but there is quite a bit of those bodies on display. The Times article noted an emerging trend of scanty dress around the workplace, citing a large number of girls wearing tank tops, mini-skirts, low-cut spandex tops and flip-flops to the workplace. For flaunting this informal uniform, such ladies have garnered the nickname “skinterns.”
DC girls are HOTThe original post was a reference to CITY employees, you're talking about federal-level interns mostly working for legislators and lobbyists. DC municipal workers don't exactly look as good, to put it nicely.
Try this: http://www.workingforamerica.org/images/Careerpath.jpg
Scott had set a double date for himself and his friend Tim. Scott said, "Tim, I'll give you first choice. Let me tell you what they're like."
"Okay," said his buddy. "Sandra has kind of a dumpy figure. She's short on looks, but she gives an incredible blow-job. Suzie is pretty and has a perfect pair of legs, which she shows off by wearing shoes with very high heels."
"Say no more," interrupted Tim. "I'll go for head over heels anytime."
Two very elderly friends, Max and Wally, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Wally didn't show up. Max didn't think much about it, figured maybe he had a cold or something.
But after Wally hadn't shown up for a week or so Max really got worried. However, the only time they ever got together anymore (they used to play a lot of golf together) was at the park, and Max couldn't remember where Wally lived so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month passed and Max figured old Wally had gone to his heavenly reward, but one day Max approached the park and, lo and behold, there sat Wally! Max was very excited and happy to see him and told him so!
Then he said, "For crying out loud Wally, what happened to you?"
Wally replied, "I have been in jail."
"Jail?," cried Max!! "What in the world for?"
"Well," Wally said, "You know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes get coffee?"
"Yeah" said Max, "I remember her. What about her?"
"Well one day last month she got mad at me and to get even, she charged me with rape. I was so proud of what everyone would think, that an old guy like me could still do, that when I got into court, I pled 'Guilty'.
The judge then took a good look at me and gave me 30 days for perjury.
The teacher in Little Johnny's school asked the class what their parents did for a living. One little girl said her father was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer. When it was Little Johnny's turn, he stood up and said, "My mom's a wh*re."
Naturally, after that remark, he got sent to the principal's office.
Then, 15 minutes later, he returned to class. So the teacher asked, "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?" Johnny said ,"Yes." "Well, what did the principal say?" asked the teacher. Little Johnny replied, "He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me an apple and asked for my phone number."
What has 50 teeth and guards King Kong?
My Zipper!
Whoop. Whoop!
The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.
He asks the blonde clerk "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The blonde clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup,
so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The pharmacist yells: "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a laxative!"
The blonde clerk responds, "Of course you can! Look at him, he's afraid to cough!!!
Three women and three men are traveling by train to the Super Bowl.
At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three
women buy just one ticket.
"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one
of the men.
"Watch and learn," answers one of the women.
They all board the train.
The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram into
a toilet together and close the door.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets.
He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in
hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on.
The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after
the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save
some money.
When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return
trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any
ticket at all!!
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed man.
"Watch and learn," answer the women.
When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet,
and the three women cram into another toilet just down the way.
Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her
toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding.
The woman knocks on their door and says, "ticket, please."
For his birthday, little Joe asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father
said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is
$280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford
it."
The next day the father saw little Joe heading out the front door
with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Joe
told him; "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling
Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she
was coming too. And I'll be darned if I'm staying here by myself with a
$280,000 mortgage & no bike.
Here are some of the best Pick-Up Lines that work in Kansas
(The tree/squirrel is my favorite)
* Did you fart? Cuz ya blew me away.
* Are yer parents retarded? Cuz ya sure are special.
* Do you have a library card? Cuz I'd like to sign you out.
* Is there a mirror in yer pants? Cuz I can see myself in 'em.
* If you was a tree and I was a squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole.
* You might not be the best lookin' girl here, but beauty's only a
light switch away.
How can you tell if two lesbians are twins? They not only look alike, but they lick alike too!
I found myself chatting with a slightly middle-aged woman at a club last night. She looked very good for 57. We drank a few, danced a little, and had a few hugs. She asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.
"What's that?" I asked.
"It's a mother-and-daughter threesome," she said.
"Wow," I said, "No, never had anything like THAT."
We drank a bit more, then she said that it must be my lucky night - and the two of us went to her place. She turned on the hall light as we arrived and shouted upstairs, "You still awake, Mom?"
Horny Yankee
05-24-07, 21:49
There's a young couple in the cinema. The girl says, "I must have a piss, can I squeeze past you?"
"Why don't you squat down on the floor and do it" says the boyfriend. "You'll have to disturb all these people, besides its dark, no one will see you."
"OK" she says. She pulls her drawers down and squats on the floor. The bloke starts feeling horny at the thought of her down there, so he reaches down and makes a grab.
He feels something long and hard and says, "Urgh! Have you changed your sex?"
"No" she says "I've changed my mind... I'm having a shit instead."
I sat with an older woman at a club last night. She was in great shape for 57,
We drank a bit, had a bit of a conversation & she asked if I'd ever had the Sportsman's Double: a mother and daughter three some?
I said no. We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night. I went back to her house.
She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs..."Hey mom, are you awake?'
Three guys -- a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden, and an American engineer are walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes total," says the Genie.
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada ."
Pooooof! With a blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.
Osama bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want an impenetrable wall around Afghanistan , Iraq and Iran , with all believers of Mohammad inside and all Jews, Americans, and other infidels forever outside our precious state."
Pooooof! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The American engineer asks, "I am very curious. Please tell me more abou this wall". The Genie explains , "Well, it's 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds these countries...... it's virtually impenetrable. Now what is
Your wish?"
The American engineer smiles and says, "Fill it with water."
Pooooof!
Baltimonger
05-26-07, 16:42
05-23-07 21:46
I found myself chatting with a slightly middle-aged woman at a club last night. She looked very good for 57. We drank a few, danced a little, and had a few hugs. She asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.
"What's that?" I asked.
"It's a mother-and-daughter threesome," she said.
"Wow," I said, "No, never had anything like THAT."
We drank a bit more, then she said that it must be my lucky night - and the two of us went to her place. She turned on the hall light as we arrived and shouted upstairs, "You still awake, Mom?"
Today 14:00
I sat with an older woman at a club last night. She was in great shape for 57,
We drank a bit, had a bit of a conversation & she asked if I'd ever had the Sportsman's Double: a mother and daughter three some?
I said no. We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night. I went back to her house.
She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs..."Hey mom, are you awake?'
Please, tell me where the old woman drinks, so I know to avoid this place.
Here's a list of my favorite things to do..... well, there's sex, you can have sex, sexual intercourse, a quickie, consummate a marriage, couple, copulate, coddle, or commit the act of procreation. You could be making whoopee, making love, love making, scrogging, slapping skin, or sweating to the oldies. You could sleep with someone, sleep together, sleep around, fool around, ***** around, screw around, or just screw, shag, shank, score, fornicate, fork, pork, pump, poke, plank, pound, boff bonk, bop, bone bang, or boink. you could be dancing between the sheets, doing the horizontal bop, the horizontal mambo, the prone boogie, or even the hunka-chunka. You could be
humping, bumping, humping and bumping, bumping uglies, the ol' bump and grind, or making the two backed beast. You could play doctor, hide the salami, hide the sausage, because dammit, it's the most fun you can have with your clothes off. You could break in a new mattress, or give the old one a workout. You could be squeaking the springs, annoying the neighbors, or making a big mistake. You could get them in the sack, get little action, get a little nookie, get a piece of tail, get a piece of ass, get it on, get some, get frisky, get lucky, get laid, get all hot and sticky, or just get it wet, and, i'm not making this up, get a little sticky steak up in this *****. You could be
mounted, mounting, rutting, breeding, starting a family, pulling the train, slamming the stack. Two for me, none for you. Not going anywhere for a while? You could turn a trick, or take pity on the poor bastard and give it away. Happy hammering, hammer, nail, sow your wild oats, lose your virginity, or induce pregnancy the old fashioned way. Take a roll in the hay, a trip to the tunnel of love, or a trip to paradise if you're taking the scenic route. Hit a home run, hit the twizzer, knock boots, tap that ass, shoplift the pootie, plunder the booty, count the ceiling tiles, ruin a friendship, or close the scroat. Do the wild thing, do it, doing it, doing the nasty, the nasty, the old in-out in-out, dip the wick, dip the stick (or if you're with a moron you could stick the dip). Wet the noodle, check the oil, check the temperature, give her the pork sword injection, or the hot beef injection, depending on your religion. Or perhaps even commit assault with a vein laden meat pipe. You could give in, give it up, go for it, go for the gold, go for the gusto, go for broke, or even go all the way, after all, it is the fastest way to the top. You could engage in a fluid transfer, relieve some tension, relieve some pressure, or experience a hormonal episode. There's always my favorite: Help me get the wrinkles out. it's a labor of love, hanky panky, and as a friend of mine once said "the noblest of all causes" or....you could just FUCK!!!
Q: What's the difference between a counterfeit dollar and an anorexic prostitute?
A: A fake dollar is a phony buck.
Chrome Dome
06-01-07, 07:22
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50. 00.
"Why so little, " she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff. "
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam. " The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad. " When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls. "
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation. Moments later, the woman's husband Alex, came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Alex".
She got skills....but... errr...
http://forums.sicksitenetwork.com/showthread.php?threadid=95372
Bad Bad Boy
06-02-07, 12:44
Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton.
One astute student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!
His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report:
Titanic... $29.99
Clinton... $29.99
Titanic... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton ... Over 3 hours to read
Titanic... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton ... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton ... Bill is a bullshit artist.
Titanic... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton ... Ditto for Bill.
Titanic... During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton ... Ditto for Monica.
Titanic... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton ... Let's not go there.
Titanic... Rose gets to keep her jewellery.
Clinton ... Monica's forced to return her gifts.
Titanic... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton ... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.
Titanic... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton ... Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.
Titanic... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton ... Bill goes home to Hillary...basically the same thing.
An Arizona cowboy stopped at a local restaurant
following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico.
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah
Senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's balls from the
bull fight this morning. A delicacy!" The cowboy, though
momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck... I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry Senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each
morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then, that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said,
"These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins
A 2006 study by Texas A&M University found that the average American
walks about 900 miles per year.
Another study by the American Beer Institute found that Americans drink an
average of 22 gallons of beer a year.
That means, on average, Americans get approximately 41 miles per
gallon.
Not bad!!
A guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex. "I think my privates are too small." He tells the doc.
The doctor asks him which drink he prefers. "Well, Lager," he replies, quite bemused. "Aaaahhh. There's your problem," says the physician knowingly. "It shrinks things, those Lagers. You should try drinking Guinness. That makes things grow."
Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face. He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.
"I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doc. "No", replies the man "but I've got the wife on Lager!"
Bad Bad Boy
06-12-07, 21:33
Cinderella was sitting on her porch just weeping and sobbing when suddenly a Magic Fairy came by and asked her why she was crying. She told the Fairy that she was always forced to work on the pumpkin farm and therefore never found any time to meet guys and never got laid.
Upon hearing this, the Fairy suddenly took out her magic wand and pointed it at the pumpkin and turned it into the most beautiful dildo a girl could ever dream of. However, she warned her that she can only use this dildo until midnight and not to dare try it longer than that.
Obviously, Cinderella paid no attention to the warning and started to have fun with the dildo totally loosing track of time. When the Fairy came back the next day, she realized that Cinderella was still crying except only harder and louder and obviously in a great deal of pain!
She immediately went down to her and asked her how yesterday went and Cinderella said it went really well until Midnight.
"So what are you crying about?" the Fairy asked.
"Because you never told me this thing would turn back INTO a pumpkin after midnight!"
OUCH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
An attractive young woman was in the doctor's office.
The doctor said, "I'll be doing a vaginal examination now."
She said, "Oh, doctor, is that really necessary?"
Oh, wow, did he get mad!
"Listen!" he said, "who is the chiropractor here -- you or me?"
Two friends were at a bar discussing life and love. One said, "Would you believe that out of them of all the women I've been with not a one of them was a virgin? It'd be nice if girls saved themselves for marriage. I think it would cure a big part of the huge divorce crisis we have."
"Yeah, Jim, I hear you," said the other. "Out of all the women I've been with I've only had two virgins myself; my wife and yours."
Warpig2000
06-12-07, 22:35
Cinderella was sitting on her porch just weeping and sobbing when suddenly a Magic Fairy came by and asked her why she was crying. She told the Fairy that she was always forced to work on the pumpkin farm and therefore never found any time to meet guys and never got laid.
Upon hearing this, the Fairy suddenly took out her magic wand and pointed it at the pumpkin and turned it into the most beautiful dildo a girl could ever dream of. However, she warned her that she can only use this dildo until midnight and not to dare try it longer than that.
Obviously, Cinderella paid no attention to the warning and started to have fun with the dildo totally loosing track of time. When the Fairy came back the next day, she realized that Cinderella was still crying except only harder and louder and obviously in a great deal of pain!
She immediately went down to her and asked her how yesterday went and Cinderella said it went really well until Midnight.
"So what are you crying about?" the Fairy asked.
"Because you never told me this thing would turn back INTO a pumpkin after midnight!"
OUCH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
She'd be alright if PETER PETER PUMPKIN EATER does outcalls ;)
(bad, i know- but I HAD to go there!)
After being married 25 years, I took a look at my wife and said, "Honey, do you realize that 25 years ago, I had a cheap appartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond?"
"Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
Now my wife is a very reasonable woman ...She told me to go find a hot 25 year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car,and sleeping on a sofa bed ....
I shut up and took out the trash ... !!
Aren't older woman great .. ?
They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis ... !!!
Towards the end of the golf course, Butch hit his ball into the woods
and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball
back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden.....POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman
appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me
to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't
have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life Better still, you
won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life......As a
matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of
your life!!!!!"
Then POOF!.....she was gone!
After Butch recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend; 'Fred,
where are you?" Fred yelled back, "I'm over here in the pussy willows."
Butch shouted back, "DON'T SWING, FRED; FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T
SWING!"
A tour bus of sight-seeing senior citizens was traveling through northern Nevada. The bus was makiing frequent stops at many landmarks, and the guide would give a little history.
The bus next paused briefly at the Mustang Ranch, near Sparks, Nevada. The guide said, "We are now passing the largest house of prostitution in America."
A lone male voice could barely be heard from the rear of the bus. . . "And so, vhy aren't ve stoppng???"
A lady swallowed a super Gillette razor blade and her doctor discovered that not only had she given herself a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy and a hysterectomy, but that she had also castrated her husband and circumcised her lover, taken two fingers off a casual acquaintance, given her minister a harelip.... .... and there were still 5 shaves left!
Member #3919
06-16-07, 08:09
How many Democrats does it take to change a light bulb?
Don't know, we're still waiting on the report of which Republican to blame the blown light bulb on.
I'm not sure I agree with the winner but there's plenty of fun here...
Beer Vs. Vagina
1. Beer is always wet. Vagina needs a little work.
One point to BEER
2. Warm beer tastes awful.
One point to VAGINA
3. A really cold beer is satisfying.
One point to BEER
4. If after taking a swig of your favorite beer you find a hair
between your teeth, you may vomit.
One point to VAGINA
5. If you get home reeking of beer your wife may get mad, make
a scene, kick you out, etc. If you get home reeking of vagina your wife may
get mad, kick you out, even leave you. There's definitely a point to be
had here, depending on your point of view and personal circumstances.
I'll just call it a DRAW for the time being.
6. Ten beers in one night and you can't drive home. Ten vaginas in
one night and you don't want to drive anywhere.
One point to VAGINA
7. If you have a lot of beer in a public place, your reputation may
suffer. If you eat any vagina in public, you become a legend.
One point to VAGINA
8. If a cop stops you and you smell of beer you may get arrested. If
you smell of vagina he may buy you a beer.
One point to VAGINA
9. You normally don't find old beer.
One point to BEER
10. Too much beer and you'll think you see flying saucers. Too much vagina and you'll think you've seen God.
One point to VAGINA
11. Ripping off a beer bottle label is boring. Ripping off panties is fun.
One point to VAGINA
12. In most countries there's a tax on beer.
One point to VAGINA
13. If you have another beer the first one never gets pissed off.
One point to BEER
14. You can always be sure if you're the first one to open a bottle or a can.
One point to BEER
15. If you shake beer it'll get all agitated but eventually it settles down.
One point to BEER
16. With beer you always have choice: clear, dark, pilsner, ale, lager, etc.
One point to BEER
17. You always know how much beer is going to cost.
One point to BEER
18. Beer doesn't have a mother.
One point to BEER
19. Beer never expects to be hugged for half an hour after you drink it.
One point to BEER
FINAL SCORE: BEER: 10 VAGINA: 8
That's it! The matter is settled, the clear winner is: BEER
PS: If you are a woman and at this point feel angry, degraded or discriminated against, just remember that Beer would experience none of
those feelings, let alone express them.
Sexybldbbwfl
06-18-07, 12:26
You need a woman who will let you have both. LOL
What do people mean when they say their computer went
down on them?
Two lesbians walk into a House of Ill Repute.
They ask for the youngest woman in the joint.
The Madam says that she will not allow the youngest girl any time with them.
The lesbians make the demand again, "We want the youngest girl here!"
The madam says, "No. I don't serve minors to lickers."
A group is planning a trip for July 30, 2007
to the home of one of the earliest Indian settlements.
The excursion will consist of a bus trip to the Seneca Nation, and a guided tour along the Allegany River which runs through it.
Cost of the trip is 299.00 P/P which includes lodging and food.
If you'd like to go; book early, as I anticipate space will be extremely limited.
We'll do some sight seeing,! wildlife photography and that sort of thing. The highlight of the trip will be the river tour. No white water rapids, but perhaps a few small bumps that might result in your getting a little wet.
What makes the trip especially meaningful is that our river guide is a full-blooded Seneca; born and raised in the area, and extremely knowledgeable of the territory and any obstacles we may encounter on our journey.
Below I have attached photos of the historic area, the river and of course our river guide whose name is "UCAN TUCHUM"
If you are! interested, let me know as soon as possible.
This trip is often sold out a year in advance.
Dear Abby,
I've been going out with this girl for a couple of weeks now and I really like her and want to take the relationship to the next level. I have one problem though. On our first date she told me she was sick, but I can't remember if she said she had TB or VD. What should I do? Lovelorn, Portland, OR
Dear Lovelorn:
If she coughs a-lot, screw her.
The elderly couple walked into the doctor's office and said, "Sonny, we just met a few days ago, and we have a special request. We'd like you to watch us make love." The doctor thought that was odd, but he agreed. The couple took off their clothes and went at it on an examining table. When they were through, the doctor said, "I didn't see anything unusual. In fact, You've both got great stamina for your age." The couple thanked him and left. To the doctor's surprise, they arrived for another appointment and made the same request. The doctor again told them they were fine. But when they came back a third week, the doctor said, "I think you're both being overly cautious. There's no need for you to come here to make love." The elderly man said, "Yes, there is, Sonny. You see, we're both married to other people, so we can't screw at home. A motel room is $50. You only charge $40, and Medicare covers 80% of that!"
An expert on marital bliss recently offered the following key to marital bliss: "Never argue with your wife, just dicker."
Two men, Dan and Bob, were sitting in a bar, talking over a few beers. Dan noticed how down Bob looked. "What is wrong, Bob, you look like hell," Dan offered.
Bob agreed with him. "Yeah and I feel like it too, I caught my wife with my best friend today."
Dan was stunned. "My God, Bob, what did you say to her?"
"I told her to pack her stuff and get out, it was over."
"Good for you," said Dan. "And what did you say to that so-called friend of yours?"
Bob looked Dan straight in the eyes and said, "I grabbed him by the collar, pulled him up, and said...Bad Dog!"
How many Democrats does it take to change a light bulb?
1. One to propose that it should be changed
2. One to form a study group to determine why it needs to be changed;
3. One to determine if the Bush administration can be blamed, even though the light bulb is in Kalifornia;
4. Fifty-one to raise our taxes so we can buy a new $500 light bulb;
5. One to take a bribe, and hide the money in his freezer, so his company gets the contract;
6. One to appear on NBC and CBS to explain why we needed to raise taxes;
7. One to link the light bulb to the rise in crime;
8. One to to link the light bulb to the problems in the Middle East;
9. One to explain that the light bulb was needed so Clinton would know who he was screwing;
10. One to explain that it can't be changed because we can't define "is";
11. And finally Clinton to explain that "I never had sexual relations with that light bulb".
A young lady who thought she was overweight went to see a dietitian. She walked into his office and asked several questions about dieting, exercise, and other things. Her final question to the dietitian sparked his interest.
She asked, "How many calories are in sperm?"
"Why?" he asked. She explained some of the things she liked to do.
After thinking a minute, he said, "I really have no clue. But if you're consuming that much of it, no guy is going to care if you are a little chunky!"
An old geezer was watching tv when he screamed, "Martha, get in here right now. You wouldn't believe the perverted thing they're showing on TV." His wife walked in, took a look, then said, "Put on your glasses, you old goat. That's just Castro eating a banana."
What Is The Difference Between A Straight Rodeo And A
Gay Rodeo?
At A Straight Rodeo They Yell `Ride Them Suckers!'.
A very ugly woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids. The Wal-Mart Greeter asks, "Are they twins?"
The ugly woman says, "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they really look alike?"
"No," replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice.
After school one day Todd, an eager second-grader, came up to his mother and asked, "Mom, what's a pussy?" Somewhat startled by the question, but directing her answer away from the adult definition, the mother replied, "Son, sometimes people say the word pussy, for short, when they really mean pussycat. You know like Boots, the cat that lives next door. Boots could be called a pussy or better yet, pussycat." That didn't compute with what Tod heard on the playground that day, but he continued, "Mom, what about a b!tch? What is a b!tch?" She pursued her puritanical theme by answering, "Todd, an adult female dog is commonly referred to as a b!itch. But Son, where did you hear such words?" "From the fourth-graders on the playground, Mom," he replied. "I think you should play with your second-grade friends and stay away from those fourth-graders," the mother stated. Later, Todd found his dad working in the garage. He went up to his dad and asked, "Dad, what's a pussy?" The dad contemplated how he should answer this delicate question. Then resolving that an honest question deserves an honest answer, he reached up on the top shelf of his tool bench and took down a copy of the Playboy magazine. He pulled out the centerfold and laid it on the workbench. With a felt-tip pen the dad drew a very tight circle around the vulva of the nude playmate-of-the-month. Pointing to the centerfold and looking his son square in the eye, the dad said, "Todd, Son, everything inside that little circle is called a pussy!" "WOW," said Todd as his eyes bugged at the small circle. Now that made more sense about what he heard on the playground that day. "Dad, what's a b!tch" Todd asked? "Well, Son, a b!tch is everything outside that circle."
Zero Cool07
06-30-07, 21:03
Two goat farmers were looking over there land when they seen one goat had his head stuck in a log.
The first farmer said to the other "well go down there and help him out" the farmer walked over to the goat and pulled his pants off and had his way with the goat.
He yells back to farmer #1 and asked if he would like a turn. Farmer #1 says hell yea and runs over and sticks his head in the log.
Zero Cool07
06-30-07, 21:08
A girl comes home from her first day of work at her very first job. She tells her dad she did not get paid today and it will be 2 weeks before she will see any money.
She asks her father if she could have a few bucks until she gets paid. He says "yea but its going to cost you a bj."
She agrees and starts in on the bj. She looks up and says " dad your thing smells like poop"
Dad says "well your grandpa came by today and needed a few bucks for his meds."
A priest is hearing confession at his church.
"Forgive me father" says the penitent, "for I have sinned. I am a single man and I have had sex four times in the last week with Fanny Green." He is blessed by the priest who tells him to say five Hail Marys and go in peace.
The next penitent arrives. "Forgive me Father" he prays, "I have sinned. It has been a month since my last confession and in that time I have had sex twenty times with Fanny Green" The priest tells him to say five Our Fathers and ten Hail Marys and go in peace.
The next parishioner comes to confess saying, "Forgive me Father, I am a married man. It has been two months since my last confession and in that time I have had sex every day with Fanny Green." The priest by this time is very much perturbed but blesses the man and sends him on his way. However he cannot but wonder about Fanny Green. It is, after all, only a small parish in which the priest knows every soul. But he has never, before today, heard of this Fanny Green.
Nonetheless, it's time for mass and the priest heads off to lead the service.
Just as he is about to offer the host, the doors of the chuch burst open, and a statuesque vision of loveliness, the likes of which he has never seen, walks into the church. She is dressed in green from head-to-toe: Green shoes, green dress, green coat and a green hat, topped off with a green feather.
This apparition confidently walks down the center aisle to the front pew where she takes a seat and fixes the priest with a seductive smile....all the time her legs slightly apart, just like that Sharon Stone....and he can see...almost.....he thinks....her pussy.
The priest is completely flustered and in the middle of mass too. He turns to the alter boy, wondering if this is the woman of whom he has heard so much about in confession.
"Tell me, lad," he asks, "is that Fanny Green?"
"Noooooo Father, I think it's just the reflection from her shoes"
The husband and wife were undressing one night when she said, "Joyce and Mary were talking about their husbands' anatomy today. Joyce said that her husband filled out his shorts so well that they hired him to model jockey shorts." Her husband said, "So?" "Then Mary said her husband got so long and hard that they hired him to model condoms." "I hope you stood up for me," he said. "I did," his wife replied." I told them you could be a model too." "Thank you." "If," she went on, "anybody needed a model for a cocktail wiener."
A man is showering up in a locker room with his buddy when he notices his friend has a huge penis. "Damn Bob, you're hung!" Jim exclaims.
"I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for it." "What do you mean?" Jim asked." Well, everyday for the past two years I've spent an hour each night rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds crazy but it actually made it grow 4 inches! You should try it."
Jim agrees and the two say good bye. A few weeks later the two are in the same locker room and Bob asks Jim how his situation was. Jim replied, " I did what you said but my penis has actually gotten smaller! I lost two inches already!" "Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day with butter?"
"Well, butter is expensive, so I've been using Crisco."
"Crisco?!?" Bob exclaimed, "No wonder man, Crisco's shortening!"
The wife appeared before the judge and said, "I want a divorce from that jerk over there." The judge said, "Why do you want the divorce?" "Because he's a terrible lover." The judge asked, "How long have you been married?" "Fourteen years," she replied. "I don't understand. Why did you wait fourteen years to divorce your husband for being a terrible lover?"
She said, "Because, your Honor, until this insurance salesman stopped by my house last week, I didn't know."
Benchseats Rock
07-11-07, 19:15
Florida State Rep. Bob Allen (R) has been arrested for offering to perform oral sex in the men's room.
From his official house profile...
Recreational Interest: water sports
Priceless.
Benchseats Rock
Baltimonger
07-11-07, 21:25
Florida State Rep. Bob Allen (R) has been arrested for offering to perform oral sex in the men's room.
From his official house profile...
Recreational Interest: water sports
Priceless.
Benchseats Rock
GOP= Gay Old Perverts
What happens when a whorehouse catches fire?
Some come out running and some run out coming!
Two girlfriends are having a conversation about their boyfriends when the first one says: "My boyfriend said he fantasized about having two girls at once." The other replies, "Yeah, most men do. What did you tell him?" I said, "If you can't satisfy one woman, why would you want to piss off two?
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST:
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman
wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a
television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with
me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him
legally."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes
and dislikes."
He addressed the man,
Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's
Pillsbury, isn't it?
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a
ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some
tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to
the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a
tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo
much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a
word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women
use a day. 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for
my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the
Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed
him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says . "HEBREWS"
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his
wife to wake him at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he
wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would
find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why
his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
Three Arkansas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing
surgeries they had performed.
One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Arkansas.
In my favorite case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an
accident. I reattached them and 8 months later he performed a private
concert for the Queen of England."
The second surgeon said. "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and
both legs in an accident. I reattached them and 2 years later he won a
gold medal in track and field events in the Olympics."
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a
woman was high on cocaine and marijuana rode a horse head-on into a
train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the
woman's blonde hair, her damaged brain, and the horse's ass.
I was able to put them together, and now she's running for President."
After our honeymoon, I felt like a new man.
She said she did, too.
*************************************************
What's the difference between a penis and a prick?
A penis is fun, sexy and satisfying...
A prick is the guy who owns it.
Benchseats Rock
07-24-07, 11:10
The kindergarten class was learning the senses. Today was taste.
"I am going to give you all something to taste and you tell me what it is!" said the teacher. "Open your mouth, stick your tongue out, and close your eyes."
She went around the class placing a bit of orange on their tongues. Most of the class chimed in "It's an orange!"
Next, she made the circuit with little bits of apple. There were a few kids who weren't sure, but they all finally agreed that it was apple they were tasting.
Then the teacher dabbed a drop of honey on each student's tongue. All were puzzled. None of them had any idea. The teacher said "OK, let me give you a hint: this is what your mommy calls your daddy sometimes!"
This prompted little Johnny to yell "Quick, kids, spit it out! She's feeding us assholes!"
There was a man who had a problem getting an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor takes all kinds of tests and finally decides that he can cure the man. The doctor tells the man to go home and wait until his wife is asleep, and then to reach down between her legs and get a little love juice on his finger and rub it under his nose, and that this would stimulate his brain and then he would get an erection.
The man takes the doctor's advice and that night after his wife has gone to sleep he reaches down between her legs and gets some of her juice and he rubs it on his upper lip right under his nose. After a minute or two he starts to feel a tingling between his legs, so he grabs some more juice and rubs it under his nose. The next thing he knows he has a full erection.
He is real excited he wakes up his wife to share in the good news. He wakes her up and says look what I have. She rolls over and looked at him and says "You wake me up at two in the morning to show me that you have a Bloody Nose???
A WV State Trooper pulled a car over on I-64 about 8 miles west of
the Virginia/West Virginia state line.
When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the
driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on
his way to Charleston to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus
and didn't want to be late.
The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated
by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him
then he wouldn't give him a ticket.
The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his
equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of
his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three
flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in
behind the patrol car. A drunk, good old boy, from W.V., got out
and watched the performance briefly. He then went over to the
patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.
The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the
patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he
was doing.
"You might as well take my drunk butt on to jail cuz there ain't no way I can pass that test."
An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time
the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many
young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he
didn't seem too concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to
try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study
table four objects:
a Bible
a silver dollar
a bottle of whisky
a Playboy magazine.
"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to
himself, "when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which
object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like
me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's
going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks
up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a
shame that would be. And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's
gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum."
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps
as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy
tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he
spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked
over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it
under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his
pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired
this month's centerfold.
"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "he's
gonna run for Congress!"
A female reporter, interviewing an American Indian chief, asked the significance of the varied number of feathers in Indian headdresses.
"Feathers show number of sexual partners," the chief replied.
Indicating a nearby young brave, he continued, "Him? One woman, one feather. Him?" pointing to a second, older man, "Three women, three feathers."
The reporter looked at the Chief's headdress. "But you have so many feathers!"
The Chief proudly slapped his chest. "Me Chief. Sleep with all women.
Big, small, fat, tall."
Horrified, the female reporter said, "You ought to be hung!"
The Chief said, "Damn right. Me hung big like buffalo, long like snake."
The offended reporter said, "You don't have to be hostile!"
The Chief replied, "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style!"
The reporter cried, "Oh, dear!"
"No deer", said the Chief. "Ass too high, run too fast!"
Quality Junk
07-26-07, 15:18
Who is Jack Schitt?
The family lineage was carefully researched and is finally revealed. One is often at a loss for words when confronted with “You don’t know Jack Schitt”.
Well, now you can intelligently reply with the following information:
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, had married O. Schitt, the heiress and owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc.
Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt when they met in college. After their nuptials, Noe took Jack’s family name, now she was known as Noe Schitt. This deeply religious couple was very prolific and produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins – Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Sadly, after 20 years of marriage, Jack Schitt and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt remarried shortly thereafter to Ted Sherlock, and took the name Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Later in life, against their parent’s wishes, Deep Schitt married his cousin - Dumb Schitt, who was a high school drop out. The other twin, Dip Schitt also married a cousin – Loda Schitt. Yes, you guessed it; they named their son Chicken Schitt, due to his nervousness disposition.
Since early childhood, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were very close in age and personal relations. They met and married the Happens brothers in a dual wedding ceremony. Wedding invitations and announcements were sent out notifying everyone of the upcoming happy event: Schitt Happens wedding. Shortly after the celebrated event, the Schitt-Happens triplets were named - Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse.
Finally, Bull Schitt, the prodigal son of Jack & Noe Schitt, after completing college went overseas for summer work experience. There he met and fell in love with his wife while in Italy, Pisa Schitt.
So now when someone confronts you with “You don’t know Jack Schitt”, you can inform them that in fact you do know Jack Schitt.
Confucius Says....
... he who sneeze without tissue, take matter in own hands.
... wise man never play leapfrog with unicorn.
... he who sniff coke, drown.
... Macintosh computer, like man making love in cemetery, fucking near dead.
... man piss in wind, wind piss back.
... man who pull out too soon, leave rubber behind.
... man who eat pussy, do lip service.
... man with tool in woman's mouth, not necessarily dentist
... girl who marry detective, like to kiss dick.
... men may have more hair on chest than woman, but on the whole,
women have more.
Benchseats Rock
07-26-07, 21:27
Confucius Says....
... he who sniff coke, drown.
You can drown!?
Oh wait... I get it now....
A recently widowed Jewish lady, Golda, was walking on the beach in Florida. She looked up and noticed that an elderly gentleman had placed his blanket on the sand nearby, and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello sir, how are you?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied.
"Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes," he answered, continuing to read.
Golda persisted. "Do you like pussy-cats?"
With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket on to Golda, ripped off both their clothes, and gave her the most passionate ride of her life.
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Golda gasped and asked, "How did you know that is what I wanted?"
And he said....."How did you know my name was Katz?"
Baltimonger
07-26-07, 22:10
My 80 year old uncle said to me when we were carrying my grandmother's casket, and he saw a guy with his hands in his pockets:
"Confucius says man who walk around with hand in pants pocket is feeling cocky".
The Cowboy & The Genie
A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.
His horse has already died of thirst.
He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he
sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.
He opens it and out pops a genie.
But this is no ordinary genie.
She is wearing an FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID badge and a dull gray dress.
There's a calculator in her pocketbook.
She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
'Well, cowboy,' says the genie... 'You know how I work.... You have three wishes.'
'I'm not falling for this.' said the cowboy... 'I'm not going to trust a FEMA genie.'
'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
'OK!, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.'
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'
'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!'
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says...
'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'
***POOF***
He turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story:
If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.
Benchseats Rock
07-27-07, 04:16
A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want."
The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want,so make me piss vodka."
The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks in the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted.
The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.
Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife, "Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka."His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.
The Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him, "But Boris, why do we need only one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight, my love, you drink from the bottle."
A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange. The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, ''You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?''
The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. ''One day,'' he begins, ''I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream.'' ''No shit?'' says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.
''Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes.''' ''Keep going!'' I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.
She said, ''You now have three wishes.''
I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, ''I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger.'' She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!
She then asked, ''What will be your second wish?'' ''What next?'' begged the bartender.
I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, ''I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.'' She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours! Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, ''You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?''
I looked at her and replied, ''How 'bout a little head?
A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis. According to the Nurse attending, the patient's GIRL FRIEND found the wedding ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.
I don't know what's worse:
1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.
3) Discovering that your penis fits your wedding ring.
Loopy De Loop
08-02-07, 19:02
The kindergarden teacher asked the kids what they wanted to be when they will grow up ?
Little Bob : I want to be a doctor and work with the sick
Little John: I want to be a lawyer and defend people
Little Paul: I want to be a politician and make good policies for the people.
Little Steve: I want to be a farmer , have a lot of land and animals and feed the people
Little Mary: I want to be a hooker and take all their money.
My good friend Murray visited me in the hospital. I was wired like a cheap stereo with fluids going into various veins. Murray asked, "What happened dude?" I responded, "The other day I was walking by this convention center and I heard a crude remark made towards me. I told them to blow me. Little did I know it was the international nymphomaniacs convention. Six days later the police found me in the gutter. I had lost 30 pounds and later at the hospital it took 12 hours of surgery to get the smile off my face."
Baltimonger
08-05-07, 22:04
My good friend Murray visited me in the hospital. I was wired like a cheap stereo with fluids going into various veins. Harry asked, "What happened dude?" I responded, "The other day I was walking by this convention center and I heard a crude remark made towards me. I told them to blow me. Little did I know it was the international nymphomaniacs convention. Six days later the police found me in the gutter. I had lost 30 pounds and later at the hospital it took 12 hours of surgery to get the smile off my face."
And it apparently caused you to forget what your good friend's name was.
And it apparently caused you to forget what your good friend's name was.
You're right, Balti, but Murray did have a lot of hair and my brains had been sucked out through my dick! It was worth it.
Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America , Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES." <?xml:namespace prefix = o />
You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.
And furthermore HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1 She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
5 She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."
A guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks. "What's up with the jar?" Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money.." The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?"
Pay first, those are the rules." says the bartender. So the man gives him
the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar."OK," the bartender says,
"Here's what you need to do:
First , You have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once...and you can't make a face while doing it.
Second, There's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have
to remove the tooth with your bare hands.
Third. - There's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm
during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her."
The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot, I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things..."
"Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."
As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks,
"Wherez zat tequila?"
He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears
streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.
Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon the
people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside. They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then silence.
Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.
"Now," he says. "Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"
Jack and Jessica met on the beach, fell in love with each other at first glance, and after three days, were married. The wedding night was just as successful as it could be, but when Jessica awoke the following morning, she found her husband dressing. She said, "Honey, where are you going?"
Jack said, "Darling, we married so rapidly, I had no chance to tell you that I'm a golf fiend. I play golf every day, I enter every tournament. I am afraid that you will rarely see me."
Jessica nodded and said, "Well, that's all right. After all, we married so rapidly, I had no chance to tell you, either, that I'm a hooker."
Jack said, "Oh sweetheart that's nothing - don't worry about that for not even a minute It's easily corrected by holding the golf club like this........."
Benchseats Rock
08-16-07, 19:26
Three Vampires walk into an English Pub.
The first one orders a Merlot.
The second orders a Cabernet.
The third orders hot water.
The other 2 look at him and say "going soft in your old age?"
The drinks arrive at that moment and the third pulls out a used tampon and replies, "Tea."
Baldy Cruiser
08-16-07, 20:33
MESICAN STYLE
A Mesican from the valley found himself in San Antonio and decided to approach a prostitute down on the River Walk. He asked her, "How mush do you sharge for the hour?"
"$100," she replied.
"Do you do Mesican style?" he asked.
Not knowing exactly what this was, she refused.
He tried to sweeten the deal and said, "I'll pay you $300 to do it Mesican style."
Again she declined. Being the persistent type, he laid down a final offer.
"I'll give you $500 to go Mesican style with me! What do you say?"
Finally, she agrees, thinking, "Well I've been in the game for over ten years now. I've been there and done that, and had every kind of request from weirdoes from all over the world. How kinky could Mesican style be?"
After an hour of every possible way and position, she turned to him and said, "That was fantastic, but I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. Where does the 'Mesican style' come in?"
The Mesican popped open a can of beer and replied, "I pay you next Friday when I get my sheck."
Q: Why did God create yeast infections?
A: So women would know what it's like to live with an irritating **** once
in a while too
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate
their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession
to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with
him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love.
When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get
something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second
time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you
doing?" she asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to
get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it again."
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more
time.
When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and
starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn
hole."
Two buddies were driving down a stretch of road when they encountered a low bridge with a height warning sign stating "Caution - 13 feet."
Driver says "Our truck's too high at 14 feet, we can't go through that!"
Passenger says "Let's go out and take a look."
Driver says "OK."
The two buddies go out and take a look at their truck height and the height limitations of the low bridge and look around.
Passenger says "I think we'll be all right, let's keep on truckin'."
Driver says "Are ya really sure?"
Passenger says "Yeah buddy. I don't see any cops around so let's haul ass and make a go fer it!"
Stay Safe
Okaynow 2001
08-21-07, 14:35
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or it can be a condition imposed by certain unintentional displays of stupidity, to with:
While attending a marriage therapy weekend, Allan and his wife Valerie listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know what is important to each other. "
He addressed the men, "Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower? "
Allan leaned over, touched Valerie's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it? "
And thus began Allan's life of celibacy.
A salesman was traveling through the country side, selling insect
repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer.
"Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again. I guarantee it."
The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll
tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If
there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from
you. And get everyone in the county to buy a case; we'll make you rich.
The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped. The
farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a
stake. Back to the house went the farmer.
The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the cornfield. Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him.
Yet he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard and drawn, but not one bite on him.
The farmer was perplexed. "Son," he said, "Now, you don't have a bite on you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?"
The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked, \
"Doesn't that calf have a mother?
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, the demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked,"I can't hear a word your're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about!"
Q: What's the definition of eternity?
A: From the time you cum, 'till the time she goes home
Baldy Cruiser
08-24-07, 17:11
http://www.filecabi.net/fullscreen.php?cid=showthem_uncensored
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING
3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4 The sport of choice for supervisors
is BASEBALL.
5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
and........
6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.
THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:
The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
PsyberZombie
08-30-07, 09:50
From the Tuesday night 8 / 28 Jimmy Kimmel Live! show =>
" Conservative Sen. Larry Craig pled guilty to playing footsie with an undercover
police officer in the men’s room at the Minneapolis airport. Now he said he made a
mistake. He shouldn’t have pled guilty. The police report says he tapped his foot,
which means “I want gay sex.” It also means I’ll never wear my iPod to the bathroom again. "
From the Tuesday night 8 / 28 Jimmy Kimmel Live! show =>" Conservative Sen. Larry Craig pled guilty to playing footsie with an undercover police officer in the men’s room at the Minneapolis airport. Now he said he made a mistake. He shouldn’t have pled guilty. The police report says he tapped his foot, which means “I want gay sex.” It also means I’ll never wear my iPod to the bathroom again. "
Psyber: Good job, Jimmy hit that one out of the park! Here's my experience:
I can't hardly stand still when a really good live band is playing. I heard one the other night, I was standing at the bar, my foot was tapping pretty furiously. There were quite a few good-looking ladies but most were either into the band and their music or stuck up. The guys there were really friendly. Several came up to me at the bar and offered to push in my stool.
Q: What's the definition of oral sex?
A: The taste of things to come.
Anything Cool
08-30-07, 21:12
Jimmy and Johnny are standing at the pearly gates, waiting for St Peter to let them in. Jimmy says to Johnny "I died of hypothermia, how did you die?"
Johnny replies " I thought my wife was cheating on me, so one day I decided to come home early and catch her in the act. I got home and ran all over the house and never did find her. I had a heart attack from all the activity."
Jimmy says "Oh man, you should have checked the walk in freezer, we would both be alive!"
The call girl had just arrived and half a minute later she was flat on her back in bed, completely nude. "I've heard of passionate men," she exclaimed, "but you are exceptional. What's the big hurry?"
"Well, you see," admitted her client, "I forgot I'd sent for you and I just took a sleeping pill."
Did you hear about the Indian Chief who named his daughter "Ninety-nine cents" because she was always under a buck?
Benchseats Rock
09-01-07, 01:07
The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of
a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the
United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF).
These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, West Virginia, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee, and Texas boys will be
dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the
following facts about terrorists:
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer.
5. They don't like pickup trucks
6. They despise country music
7. They don't love Jesus.
8. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.
A guy went into the adult section of a department store to buy condoms. The female clerk told him, "We have the rainbow assortment on sale today, would you like those?"
The guy said, "Sure, I'll take a box."
A few months later, he went into the women's clothing section and saw that this same female clerk had transferred into the maternity section. The guy said, "I'd like to buy a maternity blouse."
The clerk asked, "What bust?"
To which he replied, "One of the damn blue ones!!"
A farmer in rural MT went to the local branch of The First Madison Valley
Bank to borrow money for a new bull. The loan was made and Banker Bill, who lent the money, came by a week later to see how the bull was doing. The farmer complained that the bull just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. Banker Bill suggested that he have a veterinarian take a look at the bull.
Next week Banker Bill returned to see if the vet had helped.
The farmer looked very pleased. "That bull has serviced all of my cows!
He even broke through the fence, and serviced all my neighbor's cows!
He's been servicing just about everything in sight. He's like a machine!"
"Wow," said Banker Bill, "what did the vet do to that bull?"
"Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.
"What kind of pills?" asked Banker Bill.
"I don't know, but they sorta taste like peppermint.
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/34693
A local prostitute was brought before the court for solicitation. The judge was surprised to discover that the young woman was claiming not guilty when she had been caught in the act by police. The judge questioned her, expressing her surprise. "I am celibate." the young woman declared."
Celibate?" the judge asked, wide-eyed. "How can you claim you are celibate?" "It is my business to be celibate. I sell a bit here, I sell a bit there."
A police officer pulls a man over for speeding. As the officer approaches the car he can see that the man is very anxious about something.
"Good afternoon Sir. Do you know why I stopped you?"
"Yes, officer... I know I was speeding--but it is a matter of life or death."
"Oh, really? How's that?" "There's a naked woman waiting for me at home."
"I don't see how that is a matter of life or death." "If I don't get home before my wife does, I'm a dead man."
"My wife and I had hardly finished one argument when I screwed up and started another one." said Jim. "How'd you do that?" asked Mike. "Well," says Jim "you know when you're done with a big fight and your significant other suggests a little 'make-up sex'?" "Yeah" says Mike. Jim replies, "I guess it wasn't the right time for me to ask, ''Does it have to be with you?'"
I have some neighbors that are lesbians and they have a child.
It occurred to me that in this day of age of increasing lesbian couples that have children, it brings a whole new meaning to one kid taunting another when he says "My Mom can lick your Mom any time."
After school one day Todd, an eager second-grader, came up to his mother and asked, "Mom, what's a pussy?" Somewhat startled by the question, but directing her answer away from the adult definition, the mother replied, "Son, sometimes people say the word pussy, for short, when they really mean pussycat. You know like Boots, the cat that lives next door. Boots could be called a pussy or better yet, pussycat."
That didn't compute with what Todd heard on the playground that day, but he continued, "Mom, what about a b!tch? What is a b!tch?" She pursued her puritanical theme by answering, "Todd, an adult female dog is commonly referred to as a b!tch. But Son, where did you hear such words?" "From the fourth-graders on the playground, Mom," he replied. "I think you should play with your second-grade friends and stay away from those fourth-graders," the mother stated.
Later, Todd found his dad working in the garage. He went up to his dad and asked, "Dad, what's a pussy?" The dad contemplated how he should answer this delicate question.
Then resolving that an honest question deserves and honest answer, he reached up on the top shelf of his tool bench and took down a copy of the Playboy magazine. He pulled out the centerfold and laid it on the workbench. With a felt-tip pen the dad drew a very tight circle around the vulva of the nude playmate-of-the-month.
Pointing to the centerfold and looking his son square in the eye, the dad said, "Todd, Son, everything inside that little circle is called a pussy!" "WOW," said Todd as his eyes bugged at the small circle. Now that made more sense about what he heard on the playground that day. "Dad, what's a b!tch Todd asked? "Well, Son, a b!tch is everything outside that circle."
I can't really find the humor in this but didn't know where else to post. Def. worth a read. From officer dot com:
CHICAGO --
It was Rocio Palacios who first noticed the woman who appeared to need help.
It was 8 a.m. when she and her husband, Erasmo, dropped their 6-year-old daughter off at school and had picked up their 22-year-old daughter to go out for breakfast when they saw the woman waving her arms at 53rd Street and Kedzie Avenue last November.
The Palacioses, of Chicago, claim the woman approached their car, parked outside Manolo’s restaurant, leaned in to the passenger side where Rocio was sitting and asked Erasmo if he wanted oral sex for $20 or sex for $25.
The couple laughed, realizing this wasn’t a woman in distress after all.
But within seconds, Chicago police swarmed the family car, hauling Erasmo Palacios out in handcuffs. He was charged with solicitation of a prostitute
His daughter, who had just run in to exchange her coffee for a hot chocolate, screamed, while his wife cried in fear.
Eight hours later, Palacios, who has no criminal record, was released from custody. And weeks later, charges against him were dropped.
Now, Erasmo Palacios is suing the city and the officers involved in his arrest, saying they violated his civil rights during an incident he described as both frightening and ridiculous.
“I’m so lucky I was with my wife -- imagine if I had to try to tell her and she wasn’t with me,” he said, before laughing at the image. “She’d never believe me. Never.”
A Chicago police report offers few details, saying only that it was Erasmo Palacios who asked for sex, never mentioning his wife in the car or his daughter nearby.
Attorneys Lonny Ben Ogus and Joe Cavanaugh also want to know what happened to the family’s 1983 Mercedes. It was impounded that November day and, Palacios said, his wife and daughter were even threatened with arrest as they tried to stop police from taking it, as they were left stranded that morning.
The city wants more than $4,700 in towing and storage fees if he wants the car back.
City officials declined to comment on the status of the family’s car and the Palacios case, while the undercover female officer involved in the arrest couldn’t be reached.
Copyright 2007, Sun-Times News Group
Overheard in the halls of ****** high school:
Boyfriend: Your breath smells like dick.
Girlfriend's response: How would you know?
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gangbanger to Teacher: You can't stop me, I'm young dumb and full of cum.
Teacher's response: Maybe you should quit swallowing.
GrayTurner
09-14-07, 12:52
The girlfriend says,
Oh baby don't stop, give it to me, oh don't stop, oh damn harder harder etc.
A hooker says,
HEY! Are you done yet?
A wife says,
Beige, I think we should paint the ceiling beige.
Whoever thought that one-day the only place in town to get gas at a decent price would be Taco Bell?
How are women like snowflakes?
They are all beautiful.
They are all different.
They can all be cold as ice.
And they all melt when they land on your face.
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight," the boy replied. The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?" The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either one."
A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The young man smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor guy broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day. and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered .... "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me!
Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.
One woman said, "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does."
The second woman giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."
The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, "Say, what do you call your husband?"
She frowned and said, "The postman."
"Why the postman?"
"Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box!"
Okay men I've read alot of CE ads claiming you give good head but when an actual hook up occurs some of you don't have the slighest clue in hell as to what it is you are doing. And just because you love giving head doesn't mean you give it well so here are 5 small tips to help you and your lady out...
1.) There is more to it than the clit: The clit isn't the only part of the vagina that loves attention during 69. The vagina isn't just for your dick. So stop ignoring it. Put your finger(s) in it, use a vibrator, a carrot (not my thing but I thought I'd throw it out there), something, ANYTHING but play in it please. I mean for crying out loud your face is covered in lady juices so why are you afraid of getting your hands dirty?
2.) You have options: Speaking of the clit, there are more sensations we like other than you flicking it with the tip of your tounge. Suck it, bite it (not too hard- I can not stress this enough) or agian use your hands and give it a little break so she doesn't orgasm in 30 seconds or less. Alternate and repeat. Do you like it when a woman just bobs up and down on your dick with her mouth and nothing else or do you like it when she sucks the whole thing, then just the tip, licks it, grabs it and jacks you off while sucking it and plays with your balls? We like a little variety too.
3.) Rug Burn = No fun: Shave your face or at the very least trim your mustache. No woman on this entire planet thinks having rug burn on her inner thighs is col. We do have to get up and go to work/school/shop when you are done. We need to be able to walk without being in constant pain. Not being able to walk because of the earth shattering orgasm one thing and is totally diferent than being in pain because our thighs are chaffing.
4.) Her thighs are not there just to get in the way: You don't just have to rush right in and start going at it like you're starving, kissing a ladies thighs can only go one of two ways- a. it'll turn her on even more or b. she's laugh like crazy cause it tickles, either way its fun so stop using them to prop yourself up. Rub them while you're eating her out, grab them and pull her legs open but just stop pretending like they aren't there. They are an erogenous zone.
5.) Its not going to break: There are some men who eat pussy like if they get too close or too into it its going to break. You do this too when having sex. If your lady likes it a bit harder during sex she probably wouldn't mind you losing yourself and letting go when your face is in between her legs. Bury your face in there, swim around, come up for air and then dive back in. The vagina is attached. It will not break, it will not come off, it will not need to go in and be redetailed if you bang it up a bit with your mouth so stop treating it like a new Sabb and rough it up a bit. Touch it and act like you love doing it. If you say you love eating pussy then EAT IT don't just taste test it.
Thank you
I have decided, after much deliberation, that I will no longer be having sex.
It has taken me 9 years of unsatisfactory sex to realize that men are clueless in bed and that my time will be much better spent pleasuring myself. I am aware that I will be spending a lot more money on AA batteries and I have come to terms with that. I will still be saving money, by not having to buy condoms.
I just want to make it clear that it is not that I cannot have an orgasm, I have them all the time, just not with someone else in the room, it is just that guys do not get what it takes to get a woman off.
For the other girls out there that have not become completely disgusted with the lack of sexual ability among men, I will lay out these rules for men to follow:
1-Breasts are attached. They are a part of our body and grabbing them so hard that they are literally lifted from the chest DOES NOT feel good. It hurts.
2-Nipples are sensitive. This means that sucking them is good. Gently holding one in your teeth while flicking your tongue across it is good. Some LIGHT biting is good. Biting them like you would a steak, all the while asking "how does that feel baby?"...not good. It fucking hurts.
3-There are more to our breasts that the nipples and the entire breast would like attention too. Just make sure that you have read rule #1.
4-Fingering is a multi step process. First off if a girl is not wet, don't try to stick two fingers up her. That will just hurt her. Make sure she is wet. If she is not, make out with her, play with her breasts a little and that should do the trick. Girls like the feeling of being fucked with a guy's fingers, but please make sure that your fingers are not all dirty, do not have hangnails, or anything else that can make us uncomfortable. Also, the majority of women do not have an orgasm from pentration. Now men, I know that this is a blow to your ego because most of you believe that you can get a woman off from a good hard fucking every time. The women are faking it, and yes, this has happened to every single guy. Every single one, you are not a sex god.
5-The clit is a delicate thing. #5 will deal with fingering the clit. Oral sex will be talked about next. The clit is the center of a woman's sex life. We love our clits, they bring us lots of joy. If you are going to rub it, please keep that finger wet. Rub it gently. Remember that the more excited we get the more excited our reaction gets. That is not an invitation to start rubbing it harder, it means we love the way you are doing it at that time. Don't change it. Do not try to press into it super hard, or rub it out with the pad of your thumb. Nothing can make a girl turned off quicker than a pained clit.
6-Oral sex should not be as dull as watching paint dry. Most girls loved to be eaten out. It is awesome when done properly. Lick the entire thing, but remember the clit is your friend. You want a girl to go crazy, alternate between her clit and the rest of her pussy. But...once she starts getting close, concentrate on the clit. It is okay if you want to take you fingers and spread her lips to fully expose the clit while your tongue works magic in it. Also, some girls like to have you fuck them with a few fingers right before they come, while you CONTINUE to lick their clit. Fucking a girl with your tongue will feel nice to her, but seeing again that the majority of women do not orgasm from pentration, we will not get off from it.
7-Fucking is not a race. Sex is great, it feels wonderful. Even though I will not orgasm from sex, it still feels amazing. Take your time. I did not get a brazilian bikini wax and spend $100 on new underwear to have something that lasts for 3 minutes. I don't care if you are so worked up that you have to bust a nut. Think of something else, think of Rosie O'Donnell or your great Aunt Esther, or anything to calm yourself down and let us enjoy a good hard dicking. There should be a ten minute minimum and 30 minute maximum of pure fucking that is mandated by law. Of course there are days where a quick fuck is in order, or a marathon session is desired, but as a general rule, the above time frame works. We like it gentle and hard, but please do not fuck us so hard that our heads are banging into things. Concussions have no place in the bedroom.
8-Variety is the spice of life. Sometimes us girls want to just be taken missionary style, sometimes we want to be your dirty girl that takes it from behind doggie style while you grip our ponytail with one hand and finger our ass with the other. Sometimes we want to take control and just ride you off into the sunset, sometimes we want slow Sunday morning side sex that is more for intimacy that sexual pleasure.
9-Talk dirty to us. Call me you *****, your dirty little ****, tell me what you want-in detail. Tell me to suck your cock. Tell me play with myself as I lick your balls. If this kind of talk is broken out every once in a while as a surprise (and only in the bedroom), it can make things really hot.
10-Don't be afraid to try new things with us. It is ok, if you want to ask me to do something to you that is not in the 'vanilla' sex rulebook. You want me to stick two fingers up your ass when I blow you, ask. You want to eat out my asshole as you jerk off then come all over my tits. Just ask. Just remember that girls like to get to know a guy before he breaks out his freakier side and that slightly freaky things should be exception sex. Meaning, most girls would be down with doing non-vanilla things every once in a while with a guy that she cares about a trusts. In fact, most of us get wet at the thought of having a little more freakiness every once in a while. So you want to stick an anal plug in me and move it in and out while we '69', just ask.
Happy learning men, and happy trails ladies. Hopefully this post will do some of you guys some good in bed.
You are not supposed to park where you do – at any time of the day. I consider myself a reasonably nice person that is why you haven’t been ticketed, towed, etc. However, today I draw the line. You have been parking your ugly car in front of my house every Monday through Thursday since January fairly regularly. You are blocking my view of the street.
Perhaps you have merely overlooked the rather larger sign stating the rules for parking in this area whilst concentrating on maneuvering your car perfectly into position; and if that is the case, please, allow me to clarify: There is NO Parking (here) at any time except with an area 14 residential permit. This is a college town and parking is a nightmare, I know. However I presume that your reading skills are not what is at fault here. You think you are being really clever (by avoiding having to purchase a school permit or ride the bus).You know that APD has more important things to do then worry about petty parking crimes and you probably assumed that no one would care. This is WRONG. You are allowed to park permit-free further up the street should you feel the need, but this is a more residential area where “real” people live with their children and would rather you didn’t park wherever and drive around at all hours of the day . . . which leads me to my next point.
DO NOT boff some girl in said car in front of my house, parked illegally on my street, under a freakin street lamp. This is college town, did you think no one would see? I mean seriously dude. If you were that horny, perhaps you should have moved to the backseat – that would have prevented repeated honking of the horn. I would have never even known what was going on if my walls weren’t so thin and the honking so regular (my god who goes on like that for well over an hour on a well lit street in front of a stranger’s house?).
I don’t really care if you have to have sex in your car because you still live at home with mom and dad, I just want to enjoy a peaceful honk-free evening in the serenity of my own home. I do hope you understand this.
If this car (and surrounding area) look familiar to you (see pic.) . . . please, please, please park somewhere . . . anywhere else.
P.S. You look like you’re 12 years old.
Oh yeah and Thank You. I don’t think I will ever be able to own a Toyota. As far as I could tell from the violent rocking of your car, they seem poorly constructed and well quite frankly, now they remind me of you.
A middle-aged guy and his date are making out hot and heavy in the movies when his toupee slides off. As he's groping around for it, his hand goes between her legs, up under her skirt, and lands on her muff.
She says, "That's it! That's it!"
He says, "It can't be. I part mine on the side!"
Philly Monger
09-28-07, 00:48
This was inspired by a post by Mike in the Philadelphia forum.
BLOWJOBS DONE BAD
By Dr. Loose
I am Ho
I am Ho
Ho I am
That Ho-I-am!
That Ho-I-am!
I do not like
that Ho-I-am!
Do you like
blowjobs done bad?
I do not like them,
Ho-I-am.
I do not like
blowjobs done bad.
Would you like one
with no care?
I would not like one
with no care.
I would not like one
anywhere.
I do not like
blowjobs done bad.
I do not like them,
Ho-I-am.
Would you like one
from a souse?
Would you like one
in crack house?
I do not like them
from a souse.
I do not like them
in crack house.
I do not like them
with no care.
I do not like them
anywhere.
I do not like blowjobs done bad.
I do not like them, Ho-I-am.
Would you get blown
for high price?
Would you get blown
smelling ripe?
Not for high price.
Not smelling ripe.
Not from a souse.
Not in crack house.
I would not get blown with no care.
I would not get blown anywhere.
I would not get blowjobs done bad.
I do not like them, Ho-I-am.
Would you? Could you?
In a car?
Get blown! Get blown!
Take you far.
I would not,
could not,
in a car.
You may like one.
You will see.
You may like one
behind trees!
I would not, could not behind trees.
Not in a car! You let me be.
I do not want one for high price.
I do not want one smelling ripe.
I do not want one from a souse.
I do not want one in crack house.
I do not want one with no care.
I do not want one anywhere.
I do not like blowjobs done bad.
I do not want one, Ho-I-am.
The train! The train!
The train! The train!
Could you, would you,
by the train?
Not by the train! Not behind trees!
Not in a car! Ho! Let me be!
I would not, could not, for high price.
I could not, would not, smelling ripe.
I will not get blown from a souse.
I will not get blown in crack house.
I will not get blown with no care.
I will not get blown anywhere.
I do not get blowjobs done bad.
I do not like one, Ho-I-am.
Say!
In the park?
Here in the park!
Would you, could you, in the park?
I would not, could not,
in the park.
Would you, could you, in the rain?
I would not, could not,
in the rain.
Not in the park. Not by the train.
Not in a car. Not behind trees.
I do not want one, Ho, you see.
Not from a souse. Not for high price.
Not in crack house. Not smelling ripe.
I will not get blown with no care.
I do not want one anywhere!
You do not like
blowjobs done bad?
I do not
like them,
Ho-I-am.
Could you, would you,
with my teeth?
I would not,
could not,
with your teeth!
Would you, could you,
in a sheath?
I could not, would not, in a sheath.
I will not, will not, with your teeth.
I will not get blown for high price.
I will not get blown smelling ripe.
Not in the park! Not behind trees!
Not in a car! You let me be!
I do not want one for high price.
I do not want one smelling ripe.
I do not want one from a souse.
I do not want one in crack house.
I do not want one with no care.
I do not want one ANYWHERE!
I do not like
blowjobs
done bad!
I do not want one,
Ho-I-am.
You do not like them.
So you say.
Try one! Try one!
And you may.
Try one and you may, I say.
Ho!
If you will listen up,
I have tried and
had enough.
But!
I like blowjobs done swell!
I do! I like them, oh so well!
And I would get blown without sheeth.
And I would get blown with no teeth...
And I will get blown dry from rain.
And in the park. And by the train.
And in a car. And behind trees.
They are so good, so good, you see!
So I will get blown for good price.
And I will get blown smelling nice.
And I will get blown like your spouse.
And I will get blown in my house.
And I will get blown here and there.
Say! I will get blown ANYWHERE!
I do so like
blowjobs done swell!
Thank you!
Thank you,
Girls. Done well!
"Sex without love is an empty experience,
but as empty experiences go, it is one of
the best."
-- Woody Allen
Sexybldbbwfl
10-01-07, 20:09
>A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out
> of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80
> mph,enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
> "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more.
> Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol
> behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to
> 100mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing?
> I'm too old for this," and Pulled over to await the Trooper's arrival.
> Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at
> his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is
> Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard
> before,I'll let you go." The old gentleman paused. Then said,
> "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you
> were bringing her back."
>
> "Have a good day, Sir," replied the Trooper.
>
>
A woman marched into the doctors office with a tiny miserable baby that was howling at the top of its lungs and demanded," Do something about this baby".
After a quick examination, the doctor realized the baby was malnourished. He's obviously not getting enough milk," he said sternly. "is he being breast fed?”
"Yes," replied the woman.
"Then the milk supply isn't adequate. Please take your blouse off."
The woman obliged, and the doctor proceeded to give her a very thorough
breast exam, kneading, rubbing, massaging, and sucking each breast at
some length.
Finally, perplexed, he announced that he could see why there was a problem. "You aren't producing any milk at all."
"Of course not," she responded." It's my sister's kid,"
"Why on earth did you come?" asked the doctor in amazement.
"I didn't," she replied, "until you started sucking on the other tit."
A husband and wife were having difficulty surviving financially so they decided that the wife should try prostitution as an extra source of income.
The husband drove her out to a popular corner and told her he would wait around the corner in case she had any questions or problems.
A gentleman pulled up shortly after and asked her how much to go all the way. She told him to wait a minute and ran around the corner to ask her husband.
The husband told her to tell the client $100.
She went back and informed the client at which he cried, "That's was too much! How much for a handjob?"
She asked him to wait a minute and ran to ask her husband how much.
The husband said, "Ask for $40".
The woman ran back and informed the client. He felt that this was an agreeable price and began to remove his pants and underwear.
Upon the removal of his clothing the woman noticed that the man was extremely well hung.
She asked him once more to wait a moment. She ran around the corner again at which her husband asked, "Now what?"
The wife replied, "Can I borrow $60?"
Warpig2000
10-09-07, 14:28
Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, in California ?
California became a state.
The State had no electricity.
The State had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.
Basically, it was just like California today-
except the women had real tits
and the men didn't hold hands :D
Sexybldbbwfl
10-14-07, 10:46
Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Ohio State University , has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.
At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him.
Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
Q: How is pubic hair like parsley?
A: You push it to the side before you start eating.
http://www.smh.com.au/articles/2007/10/13/1191696214489.html
I am buying plane tickets tomorrow.
Sexybldbbwfl
10-18-07, 09:45
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5, 000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5, 000. She gives him back his $5, 000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.
Men are like that, you know.
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
Two hillbillies were sitting around talking one afternoon.
After a while the first fellow says to the second, "If I was to sneak over to your place Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"
The second fellow crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes like he was thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he said, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even."
A boy is at his grandparents house and he walks on to the porch and sees his grandfather drinking a beer. the boy goes up to his grandfather and says "Can I have a sip grandfather?" the grandfather then asks, "Can your penis touch your asshole?" the boy looks at him and shakes his head no. the grandfather then tells him he cant have a sip.
The next day the boy sees his grandfather out on the porch smoking a cigar. the boy asks "Can I have a puff grandfather?" the grandfather then asks, "Can your penis touch your asshole?" the boy looks at him and shakes his head no. the grandfather then tells him he cant have a puff.
the boy's grandmother made cookies for the boy the next night and the grandfather saw him eating them on the front porch. the grandfather walks up and says "Hey can I have a cookie?" the boy asks "Can your penis touch your asshole?" the grandfather eagerly shakes his head up and down. the boy then says "Well go fuck yourself cause these cookies are mine.
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it
becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the _object_. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, bark, try to turn the knob or get
your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years. Canine or feline attendance is not required.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butts. I cannot stress this enough! To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it "fur"niture.
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember:
Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't want to wear your clothes
9. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, And...
10. If they get pregnant, you can sell their Children.
A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.
"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad, " gushed son number one, a Doctor. "Sorry I'm running late. Had an emergency accident victim in the operating room at the hospital. You know how it is. "Didn't have time to get you both a present"
"Not to worry, " said the dad. "The important thing is that we're all here together today. "
Son number two, a CEO of an Electronics firm, arrived and announced, "You and Mom still look great, Dad. "Just flew in from L. A. From a stockholders meeting. " "Didn't have time to get you a present. Sorry. "
"It's nothing, " said the father, "Glad you were able to be here. "
Just then the daughter, an insurance broker, arrived, "Hello both of you, Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry I'm late, but I'm going to Europe on an important company insurance issue and I was really busy packing. "Didn't have time to get you guys anything. "
Again the father said, "I really don't care, at least the five of us are together today. "
After they had all finished dessert, the father put down his knife and fork, looked up and said, "Listen up, all three of you, there's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to scrimp and save and raise each of you and send you to college. And you've all done very well. All through the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much but. With the work and all, well, we just never found the time to get married. "
The three kids gasp and said, "You mean we're all bastards? "
"Yep, " said the dad. "Cheap ones too!"
The petite young blonde was being interviewed for a rather high-level executive position in the advertising agency.
Finally, the interviewer concluded with, "I like your style Miss Benson. I think you'll do just fine. All we ask is that you put out."
"Errr, uhh, err, sir." she said, somewhat taken aback. "Are you referring to work or sex?"
"Well, 'lil lady," he replied, "around here, if you don't do one, you had better be doing the other."
A graduate student in speech therapy had two days to cure her patients of their stutters. She came to a therapy session in a revealing outfit and offered a blow job to anyone who could pronounce the name of the city in which they were born without stuttering.
The first man stood up and said, "B-b-b-b-b-Boston." Dejected, he shook his head and sat back down.
The next guy stood and said, "Ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-Cleveland." He slapped his thigh in frustration and sat back down.
The third guy stood and without hesitation said, "Miami." The would-be therapist fell to her knees and began performing, blowing the guy with gusto.
After finishing, she looked up and said, "What do you have to say now?"
He replied, "B-b-b-b-b-Beach!"
Sexybldbbwfl
10-26-07, 12:40
I think the life cycle is all backwards.
>You should start out dead, get it out of the way.
>You wake up in an old age home, feeling better every day.
>You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension,
>then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You
>work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
>You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get
>ready for High School. You go to primary school, you become a kid, you
>play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, then, you spend
>your last 9 months floating peacefully with luxuries like central heating,
>spa, room service on tap, larger quarters everyday, and then you finish
>off as an orgasm.
>
>This has got to be a better way cause getting old sucks!
Sexybldbbwfl
10-26-07, 12:41
The LOVE STORY OF RALPH & EDNA
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day.
While they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news, she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. " The good news is you're being discharged since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindlessness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, . But he's dead. "
Edna replied. "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry." "How soon can I go home?"
Sexybldbbwfl
10-26-07, 12:43
She starts talking about this really great new drink. After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following items on the bar: A salt shaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice.
The woman explains. "First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice. " So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue. Salty but OK. He drinks the shot of Baileys. Very pleasant, holding it in his mouth. He thinks. This is OK. Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.
In one second the sharp lime taste hits. At two seconds the Baileys curdles. At three seconds the salty, curdled taste and mucous-like consistency hits. At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot. This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink.
When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, "Good God! What do you call that drink? "
She smiles at him and says, "Blow Job Revenge ".
A married couple go to a marriage counselor to work out some problems. The counselor sits them on the couch and says "For starters, lets talk about something you both have in common."
The husband says "Well, neither of us suck dick".
A family, all NY Yankee fans, went shopping for the youngest boy's birthday.
At the sports shop the boy picks up a Red Sox jersey and says to his sister, "I want to be a Red Sox fan and I want this Boston Red Sox jersey for my birthday."
His sister is outraged and whacks him upside his head and says, "Go talk to mother."
Off goes the little lad with a Red Sox jersey in hand and finds his mother.
"Mom, I've decided I'm going to be a Red Sox fan so I want this jersey for my birthday."
Mom is outraged and promptly whacks him around the head and says, "You go talk to your father!"
"Dad, I've decided I'm going to be a Red Sox fan and I would like this jersey for my birthday."
Dad is outraged and whacks his son in the head. "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"
Half an hour later they're all back in the car, heading home. The father turns to his son and says "Son, I hope you've learned something very important today?"
The son says, "Yes, Dad, I have."
"Good! what have you learned?"
The son replies, "I've only been a Red Sox fan for an hour and already I hate all you Yankee bastards!"
Benchseats Rock
10-31-07, 14:01
http://www.smh.com.au/articles/2007/10/13/1191696214489.html
I am buying plane tickets tomorrow.
An average of 20 partners... per week? per month? per year?
"Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed
with sex as an average man."
--A Smarrt Guy
What's the difference between sugar and Sweet & Low?
Sugar's when you kiss her on the lips ..........
Sexybldbbwfl
11-07-07, 10:28
To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife? Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope
That you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset. I shall be home before midnight.
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about me being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference. 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
Sitting in the bar a man asked his friend, "You're 40 years old. How come you are not married?" His friend replied: "I just haven't found the right woman yet."
The man then asked, "What's the right woman like?"
The friend thought for a moment and said, "She's got to be real pretty, loves to fuck and suck, occasionally take it straight up the ass, be a good cook and housekeeper. She also has to have a really good personality, lots of money and a big house."
The first man snorted, "A woman like that would be crazy to marry YOU"
His friend answered, "That's OK, I don't give a shit if she's crazy"
1. ****** have the ability to share their most private and sensitive body parts with total strangers.
2. ****** have good senses of humor.
3. ****** challenge sexual mores.
4. ****** are playful.
5. ****** are tough.
6. ****** have careers based on giving pleasure.
7. ****** are creative.
8. ****** are adventurous and dare to live dangerously.
9. ****** teach people how to be better lovers.
10. ****** are multi-cultured and multi-gendered.
11. ****** give excellent advice and help people with their personal problems.
12. ****** have fun.
13. ****** wear exciting clothes.
14. ****** have patience and tolerance for people that other people could never manage to put up with.
15. ****** make lonely people less lonely.
16. ****** are independent.
17. ****** teach people how to have safer sex.
18. ****** are a tradition.
19. ****** are hot and hip.
20. ****** are free spirits.
21. ****** relieve millions of people of unwanted stress and tension.
22. ****** heal.
23. ****** endure in the face of fierce prejudice.
24. ****** make good money.
25. ****** always have a job.
26. ****** are sexy and erotic.
27. ****** have special talents other people just don't have. Not everyone has what it takes to be a *****.
28. ****** are interesting people with lots of exciting life stories.
29. ****** get laid a lot.
30. ****** help people explore their sexual desires.
31. ****** explore their own sexual desires.
32. ****** are not afraid of sex.
33. ****** hustle.
34. ****** sparkle.
35. ****** are entertaining.
36. ****** have the guts to wear very big wigs.
37. ****** are not ashamed to be naked.
38. ****** help the handicapped.
39. ****** make their own hours.
40. ****** are rebelling against the absurd, patriarchal, sex-negative laws against their profession and are fighting for the legal right to receive financial compensation for their valuable work.
One day Little Johnny heard a noise and peeked into his parents room to check it out. He opened the door to see his mom bent over the dresser and dad going at it behind her. Johnny's dad saw him and gave him a little wink as Johnny closed the door.
After business was finished Dad went to check on little Johnny. He opened his bedroom door to find Grandma bent over the dresser and little Johnny going at it behind her.
Dad yelled, "Johnny, what the hell are you doing?!"
Little Johnny replied, "It's not so funny when its your mom is it?!"
Joe runs into Brian at the hardware store. "I heard you're dating Carol lately," says Joe. Brian replies, "That's right, I am."
Joe asks, "Man, how can you stand to look at her? I'm sorry, Brian, but that gal is UGLY!"
Brian answers, "That's okay, Buddy! All I ever see is the top of her head, and she has pretty hair!"
An Amish farmer walking through his field, notices a man drinking from
his pond.
The Amishman shouts: "Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin
gesheissen."
Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows have shit in it."
The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand. Please speak in
English."
The Amishman says: "Use two hands,.You'll get more."
Okaynow 2001
11-14-07, 16:10
One day a hooker went to file her taxes, and for occupation she put prostitution.
The tax collector explained that prostitution was an illegal occupation.
She said she'd have to go home and think about it and that she'd call him back in a hour with her occupation.
An hour later she called him and said, "I've got it... I'm a chicken farmer."
He said, "How do you get chicken farmer out of prostitution."
She said, "I raised over a thousand cocks last year."
Okaynow 2001
11-16-07, 11:26
A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular checkup.
"Any specific problems you should tell me about?" the doctor asked.
"Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to bleed for hours," she replied. "Do you think I might be a hemophiliac?"
"Well," the doctor answered, "hemophilia is a genetic disorder and it is more often found in men, but it is possible for a woman to be a hemophiliac. Tell me, how much you lose when you have your period?" the doctor inquired.
After calculating for a moment the hooker replied, "Oh, about seven or eight hundred dollars, I guess."
Something the old lady and I are working on:
FUCKING CONTRACT
The parties hereto, the Fucker and the Fuckee, hereby agree to and accept the following terms.
1. The Fucker shall have the right to the minimum of one fuck in the position(s) of the fucker’s choice not less than once per calendar month but no less often than once every 45 days.
a. The Fucker shall receive one additional fuck on the Fucker’s birthday and on the Fuck couple’s anniversary.
b. Should the Fuckee fail to provide said services (see paragraph 1) Fuckee will be obligated to provide said Fuck and one blow job during the next calendar month. Further delinquencies will result in the withholding of compensation until delinquencies are remedied.
2. The Fuckee shall receive at least one piece of jewelry per month from the Fucker. Said jewelry shall be appropriate for the Fuckee to wear and of adequate value and workmanship to compensate for such fucking as is done. Additional gifts or such substitutions as the Fuckee desires may be exchanged for additional fucks or blow jobs. Additional compensation may be rewarded for exceptional services.
3. Should the parties mutually agree to additional fucks, oral sex, orgasmic manipulation or other like sexual activities in addition to the contracted numbers negotiations may be held as to compensation. Preparing breakfast, doing extra household work or other such items of value may be considered compensation at times.
An average of 20 partners... per week? per month? per year?
I think it's lifetime.
Mike was seeing his shrink and he asked what Mike looked for in a woman. Mike replied, "Big tits."
The shrink clarified, "No, I meant for a serious relationship." Mike replied, "Oooh, OK, seriously Biggggg TITS!"
"No, no, no. I mean what do you look for in the one woman you would want to spend the rest of your life with?" queried the psychiatrist.
Mike sat there laughing on the couch until his gut hurt. "Spend the rest of my life with one woman?" Mike replied. "Forget it. No woman's tits are that big!!!"
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.
So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in P... E... N... I... S...
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
**PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH**
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.
So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in P... E... N... I... S...
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
**PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH**
A young boy asks his father, "Dad, is it OK for us guys to notice all the different kind of boobs?"
Surprised, the father answers, "Well sure, son, we wouldn't be normal if we didn't. There are all kinds of breasts...and they change somewhat, depending on a woman's age.
"In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions, Dad?" asked the son.
"Yeah, you see them and they make you cry."
Not to be outdone, his sister asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of weenies are there?"
The mother, delighted to have equal time, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's weenie is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Xmas tree."
"A Xmas tree?" asked the daughter.
"Yes -- dried up and the balls are only there for decoration."
http://www.theage.com.au/articles/2007/11/26/1196036770955.html?from=top5
I think this is pretty damn funny, if you ask me.
Zero Cool07
11-27-07, 15:18
I guess I am the last person on the earth to see this.
www.2girls1cup.com
I guess I am the last person on the earth to see this.
www.2girls1cup.com
And I could have waited forever and been happy not to see it. Why would anyone do this to themselves? Disgusting...
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.1.4 Copyright © 2025 vBulletin Solutions, Inc. All rights reserved.