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John Appleseed
06-08-17, 22:56
Was listening to an old Richard Prior concert and fell over when I heard this sketch about leaving his girlfriend.
Richard; "I'm Leaving you to go find some new pussy".
Girlfriend: "if you had 2 more inches of dick, you would find some new pussy here".
I think that is the ultimate comeback for any girl.
Is this the Truth?The ugly truth.
John Appleseed
06-08-17, 22:57
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. "Mother, where do babies come from?" The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, "Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex. " The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, "That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey. " The child seems to comprehend. "Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?" "Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry. " - See more at: http://www.laughfactory.com/jokes/sex-jokes#sthash. IG7 TERn4. Dpuf.
John Appleseed
06-12-17, 10:24
We were messing around in the car waiting for the class to start where I had to write my midterm exam. So to relieve some pressure I suggested a quick one. She agreed. We were in the school parking lot and right when I finished and was about to pull the condom (my GF was in the front seat already) our professor parks right next to us. I was terrified to say the least. He gestured if I was coming to class and said I rolled my window down with my hand on my crotch and said yes. He said, "Do you mind helping me with these papers?" with the best poker face ever! I had no other choice but to say yes. So I pulled my pants up and walked with him with the cum filled condom still on my penis. I was in the class for one hour and 45 minutes and had to write the test with the condom on my dick. Every time I moved I died a little inside.
John Appleseed
06-12-17, 10:29
A little girl walked in on their parents and screamed 'Holy fuck', then, 'And you want me to go to the doctor for sucking my thumb!
What do you say to 3 prostitutes working in a garden.
HOE HOE HOE!!
JAMESJ.
MeyghaMann
04-07-18, 23:12
What do you say to 3 prostitutes working in a garden.
HOE HOE HOE!!
JAMESJ.Or working during Christmas.
The ugly truth.That's a pretty good one.
TwistedBrother
02-26-19, 14:15
Any of you watch Family Guy? One of the newest episodes deals with an AMP opening that lures Quagmire and where the typically misguided Peter eventually goes to work, gets arrested, etc., etc.
Pretty on-target, though, as far as AMP depiction. Seth McF and/or the other writers seem to know of what they write, LOL. You can see it on Fox.com or Hulu, I think.
Any of you watch Family Guy? One of the newest episodes deals with an AMP opening that lures Quagmire and where the typically misguided Peter eventually goes to work, gets arrested, etc., etc.
Pretty on-target, though, as far as AMP depiction. Seth McF and/or the other writers seem to know of what they write, LOL. You can see it on Fox.com or Hulu, I think.Family Guy sure is entertaining. I'm currently hooked up with The Bing Bang Theory LOL. My girl (=="www.escort-ladyluck.com") and I loves this show, will try to watch Family Guy today. Thanks!
So a preacher check into a motel and asks the clerk if the porn channel is disabled. The clerk looks at him and says no you sick fuck it's normal porn.
HardBall99
10-07-19, 11:32
You know, it's tough getting old. You want to know how tough it is? Well, I'm at the point that I have to take Viagra just to jerk off!
So about 15 years or so ago, I'm in a 95 mustang having sex with my boyfriend at about 2 am. It's cold out so we've got the heater running and we're full on involved in this. Theres a tap on the window, I jump over a shirt on real quick and roll the window down. It's a cop. Ask what we're doing oh, I tell him we're talking. He asked if I planned on driving home. I replied"no sir I just looked right across the street". The cop that asks me why I don't just take this back to my house. I told the cop that I would but my husband doesn't like me taking strange men home. At that point the cop shakes his head looks at me and says shut the car off and leave.
You know, it's tough getting old. You want to know how tough it is? Well, I'm at the point that I have to take Viagra just to jerk off!I am getting to that point LOL.
If having sex for money makes a woman a wh*re, does not charging money for sex make a woman a nonprofit whoreginization?
If having sex for money makes a woman a wh*re, does not charging money for sex make a woman a nonprofit whoreginization?They are all charging in some way. If they are completely free then you have to listen to their stories or drama, no matter what in some way you are paying. LOL.
SwiftChariot
08-07-20, 09:27
Hi!
Not really a direct joke, but I got to tell ya if I am getting a happy ending and the provider is using her left hand I will not get to the finish line. All I can think about is whether or not she is actually left-handed and if she's not then why the hell is she using her left hand. Very distracting.
Head First
08-08-20, 09:27
Hi!
Not really a direct joke, but I got to tell ya if I am getting a happy ending and the provider is using her left hand I will not get to the finish line. All I can think about is whether or not she is actually left-handed and if she's not then why the hell is she using her left hand. Very distracting.I know a woman that's been in the biz for almost 20 yrs. A while back she fell on some ice and hurt her rt shoulder and arm. She stayed off work for a week then said she had to get back to making money. I asked her if she'd still be able to take care of the customers, she's rt handed. She said that she always uses her left hand to jerk guys off with. Huh? Why? She told me a lot of workers get carpal tunnel if they stay in the biz long enough so if she's going to get it it'll be on her left side, which won't be as much of an issue when she retires / goes back to the homeland, to live off the S. S. Check Uncle Sam is going to be sending her every month. Makes sense.
A man goes to a $10 sex worker and contracts crabs. When he goes back to complain, the sex worker laughs and says, "What do you expect for ten dollars? Lobster?
Anything Cool
03-17-22, 14:31
Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun. "Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you. " The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her. "Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise. "Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!" "Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume. "I'm the bus driver. ".
Man to woman: Would you sleep with me for one million dollars? Woman: Sure. Man: How about for ten dollars? Woman: What do you think I am?
Man: We've already established what you are. All we're doing is negotiating price.
Whats the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer?
The prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.
A man is meeting a client in Japan, yet arrives a day early. When night hit he went out with a prostitute.
They're having sex, yet the prostitute kept shouting "Fuji, Fuji, Fuji! So the man thinks he doing a good job.
The next day, the man meets his client and they go golfing and the client gets a hole in one. The man praises him by going "Fuji, Fuji, Fuji!
His client turns around confused and says "What do you mean wrong hole!?
What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?.
Full.
This ole boy picked up this hooker and was getting some head driving down the road and she started gaging on it a little.
And he said oh yeah baby you like that big dick don't ya and she oh baby its not that, ya asshole stinks.
Johnny Shakes
06-01-22, 06:50
I am getting to that point LOL.Which Point?
Anything Cool
07-12-22, 06:54
A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, and not the original books.
So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there was an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies. The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son. ".
So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks what's wrong.
"You fuckers", he says, with anger and sadness in his eyes, "the word was celebrate!
Head First
08-23-22, 11:07
I heard that due to inflation and rising costs 69 will now be referred to as 96.
"Roses are red, so is some wine.
I'll be your six, if you be my nine".
"What's an edging party?
"It's the party where you can't come."
"I'm not going to attend. I just want to know what it is."
"You can attend. You just can't come."
"What?
JohnGalt61
04-08-24, 20:04
3 pregnant women are waiting to see their gynecologist: a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde.
The brunette starts bragging, "I think I'm having a boy! We fucked in the boy position!
The blonde says, "The what?
The brunette says, "You know. Man on top?
The redhead says, "I think I'm having a girl. We fucked in the girl position. ".
The blonde says, "The what?
The redhead says, "You know. Woman on top?
The blonde starts to cry. The brunette and the redhead ask what's wrong.
The blonde says, "I think I'm having puppies!
BSouthgate
05-14-24, 13:22
I wanted to start a new thread for this story but need more privilege. I am posting it here. I hope you enjoy this narrative or an experience from my past.
It is 8 pm In my apartment in December 2005. I will not sleep tonight.
I will leave for the airport tomorrow at 6 AM. My flight to Los Angeles takes off at 10 AM. With the help Xanax, I will sleep 10 hours on the plane and arrive refreshed.
I will not sleep tonight. I will prepare for the 15-hour time difference.
Searching the personal ads on Craigslist, I found more than 50 for female sexual services. Most are in the Chaoyang district on the east side. Ah, here is one near Qianmen. It will take me two and a half hours to walk there and two and a half to walk back. If I spend an hour with this "Chinese angel, seeking company for an evening", I can return by 4 AM. Then, a shower, a coffee, and a call for an airport cab.
I dial the number on my mobile. A young female voice answers. In terrible, broken Mandarin, I ask for a midnight date. "One or two little sisters?" I'm not sure about this. When I arrive, can I decide?" She giggles, "OK. "
As I stroll east and south, the chilly breeze burns my nose and cheeks. The adrenaline pumps, and there is already a firm swelling in my groin—my pace increases. When I reach the high-rise apartment, I ring the number again. The same cute young voice answers. She confirms the apartment number.
The building is 1960's. The elevator is old and noisy. I am alone. I arrive at the 12th floor and step onto an unpainted, uncovered cement floor. Light blue paint was brushed onto the walls at least eight years ago. Bare light bulbs illuminate the long hallway. I find 1212 and knock. The door opens a crack, and pink light pours out of the room.
I introduce myself to the young female face peeking through the crack. The door opens. The scent of perfume and sex fills my nostrils. She is so short that her eyes barely reach my biceps. As the door opens, I see that she is dressed in a skimpy nightgown that allows visualization of her large dark nipples and pubic hair. Her long black hair falls to her elbows. She is at most 21 years old. The door closes behind me as I am enveloped in this cavern of carnal pleasure.
I follow her into a living room where another pretty young woman with much shorter and lighter hair, dressed only in black panties and a bra, sits leisurely on a sofa. She is a few years older. She is sipping from a water glass. She is the first to speak. Her English is good.
"Do you like Mimi, or do you like me? I am Qiu Qiu. You can have us both. "
The warm apartment is making me want to remove my overcoat. I give it to Mimi, who drops it on the sofa beside Qiu Qiu. There is something about the way Mimi moves that makes my heart pound and my cock hard. I feel a tight knot in my chest and swallow as Mimi embraces my waist and reaches under my shirt to massage my nipple gently.
"I like Mimi very much". The die is cast. Mimi pulls me by a finger into an adjoining bedroom and, standing on tiptoes, embraces me, giving me her soft, large lips and moist tongue. Our tongues entwine. She tastes like mint and honey.
Mimi drops to her knees and opens my fly to pull out my rock-hard organ. She gently licks its puffy tip. "Your little brother is so big. Let's shower together. Will you be good to me if I make you happy?" "Very good, "I answer.
Mimi is young, but she knows how to make love. After our bath, she takes my first orgasm into her mouth. She lets me rest for half an hour and uses her hands and tongue to excite me a second time. During these exercises, I noticed that Qiu Qiu was peeking at our antics through the bedroom door. Mimi puts a condom on my cock, and we fuck in many positions. When I am spent from another orgasm deep inside her belly, she rewashes me. As in many similar experiences, I am falling in love. But alas, I leave the bills on the living room table before I leave for my long trek home.
Going home is more laborious. I am tired from walking and making love, and it is the wee hours of the morning, and the temperature has dropped a few more degrees. I get back to my apartment at 4 AM. There is time to shower, but I would instead retain Mimi's natural oils, saliva, vaginal fluids, and sweat on my body. Only I will know what is helping the Xanax put me to sleep in my airline seat. I make a pot of coffee and drink two cups. I make last-minute baggage preparations, check my tickets and passport, and call a cab.
The flight to Los Angeles is filled with dreams of Mimi. I will never see her again.
Anything Cool
05-15-24, 17:36
Says to the Madame, "I want something kinky!
So she takes him to a room with a bare wood floor, and a tiny light bulb hanging on a string. In the middle is a milk crate with a chicken sitting on it.
Guy says, "Are you serious?
Madame says, "You've already paid. I don't care what you do. Take it or leave it.
So he decides to go for it. He has a great time. The bird is clucking, flapping its wings, flailing its legs and the guy is loving it.
He goes back a few days later and asks for the same.
Madame says, "That room is booked solid today, but I have something else you'll like. ".
She takes him to a room where there's a bunch of people sitting around a two way mirror. On the other side of it is a huge lesbian orgy, with whips, chains, shaving cream and toys everywhere.
Guy sits down and says, "Wow this is amazing!
Old man next to him replies, "You think this is amazing? Last week there was a guy in there fucking a chicken!
DarkClouds
12-02-24, 16:19
Stole this from the Hartford Rants forum.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qnd9BaCv3uQ
EStoicSage
12-09-24, 20:05
When I was young I had no sense.
Stuck my dick in an electric fence.
Curled my hair.
Tickled my balls.
Made me shit in my overalls.
TurkeyBuzzard
04-20-25, 20:17
A 90 year old man hobbles into a brothel with a walker. Pays the fee to the amused madam and picks out his girl. The girl, thinking this would be interesting, helps him slowly up the stairs to her room. They both get naked, she sees he already has an impressive boner. He puts on a rubber and clambers onto her. She notices he is putting cotton balls in his ears and in his nose. She took one out of one ear and asked him what they were for.
As he was putting his unit in her he said, "I can't stand the smell of burnin' rubber and the sound of screamin' women. ".
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