Jokes & Humorous Stories

[HardBall99]

You know, it's tough getting old. You want to know how tough it is? Well, I'm at the point that I have to take Viagra just to jerk off!

[DockMan]

So a preacher check into a motel and asks the clerk if the porn channel is disabled. The clerk looks at him and says no you sick fuck it's normal porn.

[MackyMac]

Any of you watch Family Guy? One of the newest episodes deals with an AMP opening that lures Quagmire and where the typically misguided Peter eventually goes to work, gets arrested, etc., etc.
Pretty on-target, though, as far as AMP depiction. Seth McF and/or the other writers seem to know of what they write, LOL. You can see it on Fox.com or Hulu, I think.

Family Guy sure is entertaining. I'm currently hooked up with The Bing Bang Theory LOL. My girl and I loves this show, will try to watch Family Guy today. Thanks!

[TwistedBrother]

Any of you watch Family Guy? One of the newest episodes deals with an AMP opening that lures Quagmire and where the typically misguided Peter eventually goes to work, gets arrested, etc., etc.
Pretty on-target, though, as far as AMP depiction. Seth McF and/or the other writers seem to know of what they write, LOL. You can see it on Fox.com or Hulu, I think.

[MrKwell]

The ugly truth.

That's a pretty good one.

[MeyghaMann]

What do you say to 3 prostitutes working in a garden.

HOE HOE HOE!!

JAMESJ.

Or working during Christmas.

[Jamesj]

What do you say to 3 prostitutes working in a garden.

HOE HOE HOE!!

JAMESJ.

[John Appleseed]

A little girl walked in on their parents and screamed 'Holy fuck', then, 'And you want me to go to the doctor for sucking my thumb!

[John Appleseed]

We were messing around in the car waiting for the class to start where I had to write my midterm exam. So to relieve some pressure I suggested a quick one. She agreed. We were in the school parking lot and right when I finished and was about to pull the condom (my GF was in the front seat already) our professor parks right next to us. I was terrified to say the least. He gestured if I was coming to class and said I rolled my window down with my hand on my crotch and said yes. He said, "Do you mind helping me with these papers?" with the best poker face ever! I had no other choice but to say yes. So I pulled my pants up and walked with him with the cum filled condom still on my penis. I was in the class for one hour and 45 minutes and had to write the test with the condom on my dick. Every time I moved I died a little inside.

[John Appleseed]

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. "Mother, where do babies come from?" The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, "Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex. " The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, "That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey. " The child seems to comprehend. "Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?" "Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry. " - See more at: http://www.laughfactory.com/jokes/sex-jokes#sthash. IG7 TERn4. Dpuf.

[John Appleseed]

Was listening to an old Richard Prior concert and fell over when I heard this sketch about leaving his girlfriend.

Richard; "I'm Leaving you to go find some new pussy".

Girlfriend: "if you had 2 more inches of dick, you would find some new pussy here".

I think that is the ultimate comeback for any girl.

Is this the Truth?

The ugly truth.

[John Appleseed]

was listening to an old richard prior concert and fell over when i heard this sketch about leaving his girlfriend.

Richard; "i'm leaving you to go find some new pussy".

Girlfriend: "if you had 2 more inches of dick, you would find some new pussy here".

I think that is the ultimate comeback for any girl.

where do i find this girl.

[JoesGarage]

https://www.youtube.com/embed/dsYfn8...toplay=1&rel=0

[NightAudit]

Working as a Night Auditor can be pretty entertaining at times. From people screwing around in the pool and jacuzzi "excuse me folks. There is a camera right there" although my voy side doesn't really care. Love it that the pool is open. One night a long time ago I received a call from a room. The guest was upset. He said she won't let me touch her. I was like excuse me? He repeated that she would not let him touch her. I asked him if he knew who he was talk too and he said yes and repeated the complaint. I said sir, this is the front desk. He said oh and hung up. 15 minutes later I get the call again. He said he paid the taxi driver a lot of money and she won't let him touch her.

Now my smart ass kicks in. I said sir, I am sorry if you are not happy with the services that we provide. Our manager will be in around 8 am and if you let him know the issue he will provide you with a full refund.

I never did find out if he came down or not but would have loved to have been there if he did.

[Maaarek]

A newbie was seeing her first client. When she got back to her room, her friends (seasoned veterans all) gathered to hear the details.

She said "Well, he was a tall, handsome, muscular Marine. ".

"Well, what did he want to do?" they all asked her.

She said "I told him that a straight Fuck was $150, but he said he didn't have that much. So, I told him a blowjob would be $100, but he didn't have that much either! Finally, I told him a hand job would be $50. ".

"He agreed and after handling business, he pulled it out. I put one hand on it. Then I put the other hand above that one. " Pausing and raising her eyebrows, she then continued "and then I put the first hand above the second hand. ".

"Oh my God!" exclaimed all the veterans. It must have been huge! What did you do next?

"I loaned him $100!

Heard this, but still funny, one of my favorite.