Jokes & Humorous Stories

**JohnGalt61** · 04-08-24 20:04

3 pregnant women are waiting to see their gynecologist: a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde.

The brunette starts bragging, "I think I'm having a boy! We fucked in the boy position!

The blonde says, "The what?

The brunette says, "You know. Man on top?

The redhead says, "I think I'm having a girl. We fucked in the girl position. ".

The blonde says, "The what?

The redhead says, "You know. Woman on top?

The blonde starts to cry. The brunette and the redhead ask what's wrong.

The blonde says, "I think I'm having puppies!

**D Nut** · 03-21-24 18:02

"What's an edging party?

"It's the party where you can't come."

"I'm not going to attend. I just want to know what it is."

"You can attend. You just can't come."

"What?

**Shinshi86** · 11-04-23 01:27

"Roses are red, so is some wine.

I'll be your six, if you be my nine".

**Head First** · 08-23-22 11:07

I heard that due to inflation and rising costs 69 will now be referred to as 96.

**Anything Cool** · 07-12-22 06:54

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, and not the original books.

So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there was an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies. The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son. ".

So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks what's wrong.

"You fuckers", he says, with anger and sadness in his eyes, "the word was celebrate!

**Johnny Shakes** · 06-01-22 06:50

Originally Posted by Earl2211 [View Original Post]

I am getting to that point LOL.

Which Point?

**RWanges** · 05-30-22 23:45

Man to woman: Would you sleep with me for one million dollars? Woman: Sure. Man: How about for ten dollars? Woman: What do you think I am?

Man: We've already established what you are. All we're doing is negotiating price.

Whats the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer?

The prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.

A man is meeting a client in Japan, yet arrives a day early. When night hit he went out with a prostitute.

They're having sex, yet the prostitute kept shouting "Fuji, Fuji, Fuji! So the man thinks he doing a good job.

The next day, the man meets his client and they go golfing and the client gets a hole in one. The man praises him by going "Fuji, Fuji, Fuji!

His client turns around confused and says "What do you mean wrong hole!?

What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?.

Full.

This ole boy picked up this hooker and was getting some head driving down the road and she started gaging on it a little.

And he said oh yeah baby you like that big dick don't ya and she oh baby its not that, ya asshole stinks.

**Anything Cool** · 03-17-22 14:31

Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun. "Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you. " The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her. "Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise. "Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!" "Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume. "I'm the bus driver. ".

**LazyAss69** · 02-19-21 21:04

A man goes to a $10 sex worker and contracts crabs. When he goes back to complain, the sex worker laughs and says, "What do you expect for ten dollars? Lobster?

**Head First** · 08-08-20 09:27

Originally Posted by SwiftChariot [View Original Post]

Hi!

Not really a direct joke, but I got to tell ya if I am getting a happy ending and the provider is using her left hand I will not get to the finish line. All I can think about is whether or not she is actually left-handed and if she's not then why the hell is she using her left hand. Very distracting.

I know a woman that's been in the biz for almost 20 yrs. A while back she fell on some ice and hurt her rt shoulder and arm. She stayed off work for a week then said she had to get back to making money. I asked her if she'd still be able to take care of the customers, she's rt handed. She said that she always uses her left hand to jerk guys off with. Huh? Why? She told me a lot of workers get carpal tunnel if they stay in the biz long enough so if she's going to get it it'll be on her left side, which won't be as much of an issue when she retires / goes back to the homeland, to live off the S. S. Check Uncle Sam is going to be sending her every month. Makes sense.

**SwiftChariot** · 08-07-20 09:27

Hi!

Not really a direct joke, but I got to tell ya if I am getting a happy ending and the provider is using her left hand I will not get to the finish line. All I can think about is whether or not she is actually left-handed and if she's not then why the hell is she using her left hand. Very distracting.

**Earl2211** · 02-10-20 00:48

Originally Posted by FigLeaf [View Original Post]

If having sex for money makes a woman a wh*re, does not charging money for sex make a woman a nonprofit whoreginization?

They are all charging in some way. If they are completely free then you have to listen to their stories or drama, no matter what in some way you are paying. LOL.

**FigLeaf** · 02-09-20 17:54

If having sex for money makes a woman a wh*re, does not charging money for sex make a woman a nonprofit whoreginization?

**Earl2211** · 01-17-20 10:23

Originally Posted by HardBall99 [View Original Post]

You know, it's tough getting old. You want to know how tough it is? Well, I'm at the point that I have to take Viagra just to jerk off!

I am getting to that point LOL.

**Alixx** · 12-14-19 11:28

So about 15 years or so ago, I'm in a 95 mustang having sex with my boyfriend at about 2 am. It's cold out so we've got the heater running and we're full on involved in this. Theres a tap on the window, I jump over a shirt on real quick and roll the window down. It's a cop. Ask what we're doing oh, I tell him we're talking. He asked if I planned on driving home. I replied"no sir I just looked right across the street". The cop that asks me why I don't just take this back to my house. I told the cop that I would but my husband doesn't like me taking strange men home. At that point the cop shakes his head looks at me and says shut the car off and leave.