2005 Jokes & Humorous Stories

**AugustaSexFiend** · 12-18-05 06:14

A man walks by a house with a sign that reads 'talking dog 4 sale-$10! '. Seeing the mutt in the yard, the man asks "What's your story dog? "

"When my owner found out I could talk, he signed me up with the CIA, and I was sent to eavesdrop all over the world. I helped take down a lot of high profile targets, won medals, then retired back here".

Amazed, the man enters the house and asks the owner why he only wants $10 for such a remarkable animal.

"Because he's a liar, " the owner said. "He didn't do any of that shit! "

**AugustaSexFiend** · 12-18-05 05:54

What was George W, Bush's opinion on ROE v. WADE? He didn't care how people got out of New Orleans after the hurricane!

**Old Fart** · 12-14-05 16:11

Doctor Bob had sex with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

Every once in a while, however, he'd hear that soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure him: "Bob, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go."

But invariably another voice would bring him back to reality: "Bob, you're a veterinarian!"

**Old Fart** · 12-13-05 19:57

You are in control of her as she works over your unit with her sweet mouth.
Click on this address or cut and paste:

http://img321.imageshack.us/img321/7...ession12zn.swf

**Gorilla69** · 12-13-05 12:32

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20051212/...Q0BHNlYwMxNjkz

Copy and paste... good story about a prostitute in Brazil with a best selling bio.

**Npaul** · 12-12-05 13:40

40-ish.............................................49

Adventurous.................................Slept with everyone

Athletic..........................................No tits

Average looking..........................Moooo

Beautiful.......................................Pathological liar

Emotionally Secure......................On medication

Feminist..........................................Fat

Free spirit....................................Junkie

Friendship first..........................Former ****

New-Age....................................Body hair in the wrong places

Old-fashioned........................! .....No BJs

Open-minded.................................Desperate

Outgoing........................................Loud and Embarrassing

Professional....................................*****

Voluptuous...................................Very Fat

Large frame.................................Hugely Fat

Wants Soul mate...............................Stalker

-----------------------------------------------------------------

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No

2. No = Yes

3. Maybe = No

4. We need = I want

5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry

6. We need to talk = You're in trouble

7. Sure, go ahead = You better not

8. Do! what you want = You will pay for this later

9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!

10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

---------------------------------------------------------

MEN'S ENGLISH:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry

2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy

3. I am tired = I am tired

4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

5. I love you = Let's have sex now

6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?

7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you

8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you

9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you

10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd li! ke to have sex with you

**Daddy Lows** · 12-12-05 12:38

A duck waddles into a bar. He looks up at the bartender and asks him, "DO you have any pretzels?" The bartender says no and the duck waddles out.

The next day the same duck waddles in and asks the bartender the same thing to which the bartender replies no and the duck waddles out.

On the third day, the duck waddles in and before he can ask the same question, the bartender says, "If you ask me again about the pretzels, I'll staple your beak shut."

The next day, the duck waddles in and quickly chimes, "DO you have any staples?" The bartender says, "Wha? No. I don't have any staples" to which the duck asks, "DO you have any pretzels?"

Peace

**Nico** · 12-10-05 20:08

A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!"

The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.

Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!"

The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.

The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up... "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!"

The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts beating the shit out of the little rabbit.

As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!"

The lion answers, "That little fucker makes me run around the forest like an idiot for hours on end every time he's on ecstasy!"

**DropFrame** · 12-07-05 11:49

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.

The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her
first day promptly at 0800.

The next day at 0845 there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.

The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up,
putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men
march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmos
all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me
Elmos. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it
around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between
Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches
Lena.

"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, but I think
you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday......"Your job is to
give Elmo two test tickles!

**Zoomster** · 12-07-05 02:33

This is the first dirty joke I ever heard, oh so many years ago:

The famous detective Dick Tracy was a very busy man. He didn't have time for a girlfriend, but he did have a hot neighbor in the next door apartment. Sometimes they would get together for a quickie, but when he was pressed for time, he would slide his dick through a hole in the wall, knock three times, and get a fast blowjob.

One day Dick Tracy was in a hurry, so he put his schlong through the hole and knocked three times. The girl wasn't home, but her cleaning lady was present. The old lady saw the penis and, not knowing what it was, took a kitchen knife and sliced it off. When the detective arrived at the precinct an hour later, one of the cops yelled over "Look! It's Dick Tracy!" To which he replied - "Nope. It's Tracy now. Just Tracy."

**Zero** · 12-06-05 03:38

1. The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it.
2. He's off to the sidelines for a quick blow.
3. It's a game of inches.
4. When you get down in this area, you just gotta start pounding.
5. He's gonna feel that one tomorrow.
6. He found his tight end.
7. He had to stretch to get it in.
8. He could go all the way.
9. He goes deep.
10. He found a hole and slid through it.

**DropFrame** · 12-02-05 11:00

How do you make a hormone?
Put sand in the Vaseline.

Q. What doesn't belong in this list? Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?

A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.

I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, and I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ....and she's always sound asleep."

Q. How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?

A. One of his fingers is clean.

A man and a woman are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the woman gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car.
She says, "Look, its shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?"
He says, "Put it between your legs."
She says, "What about the smell?"
He says, "Hold its nose."

**Daddy Lows** · 11-30-05 03:29

LP,

Damn, dude, that sh*t cracked me up!

Peace

**Layin Pipe** · 11-30-05 01:46

Check out this video, it is too funny!

**Old Fart** · 11-27-05 16:38

The London Daily Telegraph recently conducted a poll of male readers
to see what exactly each enjoyed from a blow job.

Seven per cent said they most enjoyed the sensations.

Five per cent confessed their chief enjoyment came from the sense of
domination.

Eighty eight per cent said they really enjoyed the peace and quiet.

Then the Telegraph identified the 88 per cent and their wives said they
had better enjoy the last one they got because they were never getting another one.