2000-2004 Jokes & Humorous Stories

**raybones99** · 12-31-04 19:35

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years". "I remember that too", she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...."I would have gotten out today!"

**GuessWho** · 12-26-04 18:54

Santa comes down the chimney one Christmas Eve and there's a knockout blond laying on the couch waiting for him.

Blond: Hey Santa, come here!
Santa: Ho ho ho, gotta go, gotta deliver presents to the kids ya know!

She removes her top and bra.

Blond: Hey Santa, come here!
Santa: Ho ho ho, gotta go, gotta deliver presents to the kids ya know!

She removes her pajama bottoms and panties and laid there buck naked.

Blond: Hey Santa, come here!
Santa: Hey hey hey, gotta stay, can't go up the chimney with my dick this way!

**Migrant One** · 12-23-04 09:30

warpig2000

LOL but geez man your typing fingers must be falling off!

**Warpig2000** · 12-23-04 02:36

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house,
not a creature was fucking, not even my spouse.
The condoms were placed on the bedstand with care,
in hopes that her young stud, soon would be there.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
unaware their mother'd soon be giving some head.
And mama in her teddy, and i in the nude,
were sitting on the couch, applying her lube.
When out in the drive there arose such a clatter,
we sprang from the couch to see what's the matter.
Away to the window, I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutter and threw up the sash!
The nipples on the breast of my horny hotwife,
were harder than'd i'd seen my whole damn life.
When what to my wandering eyes should appear,
But a monster sized cock, giving me reason to fear.
With a body like that, this guy's no dud,
i knew in a moment it must be her stud!
More rapid than eagles she rushed to his arms,
as he began to enjoy all of her womanly charms.
"Oh fuck me, so deeply, you young hard stud,
my pussy's hot for you, my young fuck bud!
He couldn't help it, he'd grown some wood,
To fuck her, and fuck her, and fuck her so good!
Her once dry lips were soon swollen and wet,
when they meet with an obstacle, and mount on the bed.
So up to the hilt, they'd started to screw,
his balls full of cum, her pussy with dew.
And then in a twinkling, I heard her gasp,
damn you young stud, I want it up my ass!
As he drew out of her **** and turned her around,
Down her sweet ass, his hard cock came with a bound!
She was trembling all over,from her head to her toe,
As he pumped hard into her, her juices starting to flow!
A bundle of cum was churning in his sack,
She looked like a porn star, him clutching her rack.
Her eyes how they twinkled! Her dimples how merry!
I knew it wouldn't be long, and he'd have her cherry!
She wanted him back in her now swollen pussy,
They were going bareback, I now could see!
The length of his cock she held tight in her ****,
knowing soon she'd be filled with all his hot spunk.
She had a broad chest and a little spare belly,
That shook when he pumped her like a bowl full of jelly.
His cock was chubby and plump -- and in good health,
And I cringed when I saw him, in spite of myself.
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled my wife's **** as my cock I jerked.
He pulled his hard cock from her wet fur,
And giving me a nod --- it was now my turn!
She sprang back to life and started to scream,
My God she feels good, is this some kinda dream?
And I heard her exclaim ere he drove out of site,
"Honey, I love you so much, now lets fuck all night!"

**Warpig2000** · 12-23-04 02:34

http://ebassist.com/temp/A_Hookers_1..._Christmas.mp3

The Band is The Wankers

(Totally Amatuer, deranged Hobbyists together for the first time)

Produced by Digg Bixx and Crotchie Stickler

Stiff Assman-Bass, vocals
Digg Bixx-Guitar, vocals
Billy Clubb-Guitar,vocals
Crotchie Stickler-Drums,vocals

Merry Christmas!

**Macgoo** · 12-21-04 23:35

Check this out. Foamy breaks me up, maybe you too!

http://www.illwillpress.com/vault.html

**Zero** · 12-21-04 00:05

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on.

"It represents a candle," he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carol's."

**Lucifer69** · 12-20-04 13:20

Sorry somehow didn't get it uploaded first time. Hope it goes this time.

**Santa** · 12-19-04 18:09

Do you know why Santa is so jolly?

Because he knows where the bad girls live!

**PsyberZombie** · 12-19-04 10:23

Have you heard about this new Morning After Pill for Men ??

It changes your Blood Type !!

**Lucifer69** · 12-18-04 21:12

Poor Santa

**CT Prowler** · 12-17-04 15:49

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Athens Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and fther."

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them.

Oh My God, what have I just said?"

**Ludovico** · 12-13-04 16:18

I heard this on the radio by some American comedian this morning and thought it was pretty funny.

Sleeping with prostitutes is like making a cat dance on two feet. You know they don't like it much but you just can't resist doing it anyway!

**raybones99** · 12-13-04 13:58

A business man got on an elevator.

When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him
with a bright, "T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."

She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.

He again answered, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest
smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."

The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.

"'T-G-I-F' means Thank Goodness It's Friday. Get it, duuhhh?"

The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's "Thursday.'"