Ho Hunter 328
02-26-09, 18:02
If you're from Boston:
You'll know who the cahdnal is, how to take the T to JP and what the blinking red light atop the old Hancock Building means in the summer (in winter it means snow is due).
If you're smaht, you'll never get cahded at the packie (liquor,or packagestore).
You only eat italian sausage outside Fenway Pahk before a Sox game with mustid, peppahs-n-onions.
You might be from Boston if...
You think it's your God-given right to cut someone off in traffic.
You think there are only 25 letters in the alphabet (no R's).
You think three straight days of 90+ temperatures is a heat wave.
All your pets are named after Celtics or Bruins.
You refer to 6 inches of snow as a "dusting."
Just hearing the words "New York" puts you in an angry mood.
You don't think you have an attitude.
You always 'bang a left' as soon as the light turns green, and oncoming traffic always expects it.
Everything in town is "a five minute walk."
When out of town, you think the natives of the area are all whacked.
You still can't bear to watch highlights from game 6 of the 1986 World Series.
You have no idea what the word compromise means.
You believe using your turn signal is a sign of weakness.
You don't realize that you walk and talk twice as fast as everyone else.
You're anal, neurotic, pessimistic & stubborn.
You think if someone is nice to you, they must want something, or are from out of town.
Your favorite adjective is "wicked."
You think 63 degree ocean water is warm.
You think the Kennedy's are misunderstood.
Dumb Massachusetts Laws
A woman can not be on top in sexual activities.
At a wake, mourners may eat no more than three sandwiches.
Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked.
An old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public.
Taxi drivers are prohibited from making love in the front seat of their taxi during their shifts.
All men must carry a rifle to church on Sunday. (Repealed)
Hunting on Sundays is prohibited.
It is illegal to go to bed without first having a full bath.
It is illegal to reproach Jesus Christ or the holy ghost. (MGL Chapter 272 section 36)
It's illegal to keep a mule on the second floor of a building not in a city unless there are 2 exits. (MGL Chapter 272 section 86)
It's illegal to sell fewer than 24 ducklings at a time before May 1, or to sell rabbits, chicks, or ducklings that have been painted a different color. (MGL Chapter 272 Section 80D)
It's illegal to allow someone to use stilts while working on the construction of a building. (MGL Chapter 149 Section 129B)
It's illegal to drive Texan, Mexican, Cherokee, or Indian cattle on a public road. (MGL Chapter 129 Section 35)
No gorilla is allowed in the back seat of any car.
Tattooing and body piercing is illegal. (Repealed October 2000)
Children may smoke, but they may not purchase cigarettes.
Tomatoes may not be used in the production of clam chowder.
Quakers and witches are banned.
Bullets may not be used as currency.
Massachusetts liquor stores can only open on Sundays if they are in Berkshire, Essex, Franklin, Middlesex or Worcester counties and are within 10 miles of the Vermont or New Hampshire borders.
Alcoholic drink specials are illegal.
Affiliation with the Communist party is illegal.
Public boxing matches are outlawed.
It is unlawful to injure a football goal post, doing so is punishable by a $200 fine
Defacing a milk carton is punishable by a $10 fine.
It is illegal to frighten a pigeon.
In 1659 the state of Massachusetts outlawed Christmas.
You can not have a antenna exposed outside of your house yet you can have a 25' satellite dish.
You may not curse inside the city limits.
You may not, at any time take a crap on your neighbour.
It is illegal to give beer to hospital patients.
Chapter 270: Section 5. Giving, selling or delivering alcoholic beverages or drugs to hospital patients; possession.
Section 5. Whoever, except under the direction of a physician, gives, sells or delivers alcoholic beverages, as defined in section one of chapter one hundred and thirty-eight, or a narcotic drug to a patient in any hospital who is suffering from inebriety or from the effect of inebriety, or from excessive use of narcotic drugs or from the effect of such use, and whoever has in his possession within the precincts of any hospital any such beverage or drug with intent to convey or deliver it to any such patient, except under direction as aforesaid, shall be punished by a fine of not more than fifty dollars or by imprisonment for not more than two months.
Candy may not contain more than 1% of alcohol.
Both Massachusetts and New Hampshire had old laws that penalized gamblers who lost money. You'd get fined in Massachusetts if you had any money left.
There is a Massachusetts law requiring all dogs to have their hind legs tied during the month of April.
Boston
it is unlawful to deliver diapers on Sunday, regardless of emergencies.
it's illegal to post an advertisement on a public urinal. It's also against the law to hang a vending machine on a utility pole.
In Boston, it's illegal to cut firewood in the street, or shoot a bow and arrow in the street.
In Boston it's against the law to keep manure in a building unless the building is being used as a stable. If it is, you can keep up to two cords of manure. If you're overstocked, you need a permit to move the stuff. And you can't leave it in the street.
A Boston mayor who disliked dancing and liked to retire early once banned midnight dancing in the Hub City.
Peeping in the windows of automobiles is forbidden.
It is illegal to take more than 2 baths a month within Boston confines.
It is illegal to play the fiddle.
Two people may not kiss in front of a church.
No more than two baths may be taken within the confines of the city.
No one may cross the Boston Common without carrying a shotgun in case of bears.
Anyone may let their sheep and cows graze in the public gardens/commons at any time except Sundays.
It is illegal to eat peanuts in church.
An old law prohibits the taking of baths on Sunday.
Duels to the death permitted on the common on Sundays provided that the Governor is present.
Women may not wear heels over 3 inches in length while on the common.
No one may take a bath without a prescription.
It is illegal for any citizen to own more than three dogs.
Burlington
You may not walk around with a "drink".
Cambridge
It is illegal to shake carpets in the street, or to throw orange peels on the sidewalk (section 12.16.100).
It costs $50 extra for a permit for hurling, soccer or Gaelic football games in a public park on a Sunday. (section 12.20.030)
Hingham
You may not have colored lights on your house if it can be seen from Main Street. Only white lights may be visible.
If you live on Main Street and want to paint your house, the colors must be approved by the historical society.
Hopkinton
Though horses and cows are allowed on the common, dogs are prohibited.
Longmeadow
It is illegal for two men to carry a bathtub across the town green.
Marblehead
it was illegal to cross the street on Sunday, unless absolutely necessary.
Marlboro
It is illegal to buy, sell or possess a squirt gun.
Silly string is illegal in the city limits.
One may not detonate a nuclear device in the city.
It is illegal for any citizen to own more than two dogs.
Milford
Peeping in the windows of automobiles is forbidden.
Newton
All families must be given a hog from the town's mayor.
North Andover
An ordinance prohibits the use of space guns.
Woburn
In bars, it is actually illegal to "walk around" with a beer in your hand. (Repealed)
Salem
sleeping in the nude in a rented room is forbidden, even for married couples.
Southbridge
makes it illegal to read books or newspapers after 8 p.m. in the streets.
Provincetown
it's illegal to sell suntan oil until after noon on Sunday.
Why Mass Drivers are famous...
exerpts from accident reports::!!
Some are humorous: These are a collection of reportedly actual reports filed by drivers.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I do not have.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before Ihit him.
I pulled away from the side of the road. Glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
I have been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have the accident.
The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy with a big mouth.
I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.
I had been driving for 40 years, when I fell asleep causing the accident.
As I approached the intersection a signal appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
An invisible car came out of nowhere and struck my car and vanished.
I told the police that I was not injured but on removing my hat, found that I had a fractured skull.
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.
I saw a slow-moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.
Massachusetts Driving Rules
1. A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how
many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you
sit in the left lane waiting for the same drivers to squeeze
their way back in before hitting the orange construction
barrels.
2. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real
Massachusetts driver never uses them. Use of them in Boston may
be illegal.
3. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance
between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be
filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous
situation.
4. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is
considered "going with the flow."
5. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the
chance you have of getting hit.
6. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive
bodywork. Massachusetts is a no-fault insurance states and the
other driver has nothing to lose.
7. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure
that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as
the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a
chance to stretch your legs.
8. Construction signs warn you about road closures immediately
after you pass the last exit before the backup.
9. The new electronic traffic warning system signs are not there
to provide useful information. They are only there to make
Massachusetts look high-tech and to distract you from seeing the
State Police Radar car parked on the median.
10. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.
11. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as
suggestions and are apparently not enforceable during rush hour.
12. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to
speed up or move over doesn't mean that a Mass driver flashing
his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your
spot.
13. Please remember that New Hampshire is the Granite State,
named so for a reason. Try to stay on the road.
14. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or
even if someone is just changing a tire.
15. Throwing litter on the roads adds variety to the landscape
and gives Adopt-a-Highway Crews something to clean up.
16. It is assumed that State Police cars passing at high speed
may be followed in the event you need to make up a few minutes
in your travel.
17. Learn to swerve abruptly. Massachusetts is the home of
high-speed slalom driving thanks to DOT, which places potholes
in various locations to test drivers' reflexes.
18. It is traditional in Massachusetts to honk your horn at cars
that don't move the instant the light changes.
19. Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right
of way, except in Boston where it acts as an invitation to duel
or play chicken.
20. Never take a green light at face value. Always look right
and left before proceeding. (In Maine it is allowed to stop and
then decide which direction to turn.)
21. Remember that the goal of every Massachusetts driver is to
get there first, by whatever means necessary.
22. Real Massachusetts female drivers can put on pantyhose,
apply eye makeup and balance the checkbook at seventy-five miles
per hour during a snowstorm in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
23. Real Massachusetts male drivers can remove pantyhose and a
bra at seventy-five miles per hour in bumper-to-bumper traffic
during daylight hours.
24. Heavy snow, ice, fog, and rain are no reasons to change any
of the previously listed rules. These weather conditions are
God's way of ensuring a natural selection process for body
shops,junk yards, and new vehicle sales.
Common Massachusetts Phrases
"All Set"
Means I'm ready. I was told this isn't used outside of the region, which I find wicked bizarre.
"Bang A Uey"
Better be careful where you do it, this means to make a U-Turn, also said as a U-e.
"Hihowahya"
A greeting ( not a Native American word) used primarily by Boston College Alumni Once commonly heard in Worcester, during the heyday of the BC/Holy Cross rivalry. Now relegated mostly to the bars around Cleveland Circle in Boston. Also frequently used by Jilly and Dani.
"Huck A Louey"
This is inreference to spitting. Such a vile habit...
"Don't make 'knee-odds'"
This is a phrase that seems to have been passed down from the old timer New Englanders to present generations. It is a verbal shorthand for the phrase, "It doesn't make any odds" ---meaning, "it doesn't matter".
"So don't I"
It means "that you do too". It is the "echo" of the negative tag question. "You live in Worcester, don't you? So don't I."
"Three Deckers" or "Tripple Deckers"
Three story apartment buildings, usually with one apartment to the floor. Very popular at the turn of the 19th and 20th century, and hence one of the reasons there are so many in Worcester (which was the peak of Worcester's industral strength).
"Waddaya, retahded?" or "Waddaya, braindead?"
"Are you nuts?; How could you say/do that?; You don't know what you're talking about!" Etc.. Not a very good thing to say, as it is unfeeling towards retarded people, but to be "fair", actual medically retarded people are the farthest thing from the minds of the speaker. It's meant more as an observance of a lack of thought on the part of the recipient of the phrase.
"You can't get there from here"
To be honest, I've never understood why people say this. Basically it means you're heading in the wrong direction. This one is most popular in Maine I think, but I've heard it in all parts of New England. Especially when travelling. I used to pump gas at one time, and was always tempted to say it myself.
Of course in Maine, there's a valid reason for this phrase. Most major roads tend to run north-south, so if you wanted to go somewhere west/east of your current location, it's a VERY long trip sometimes.
Bulkie
These are the big oversized rolls you use with cold cuts like ham and roast beef.
Butts
Smoking, in reference to a cigarette, either an unused one, or the ones in the ashtray.
BUBLAH
a water fountain
Clicker
Remote control for a TV or other similar devices.
Coffee Milk
Milk flavored with coffee syrup, *NOT* half coffee/half milk
Drug Store
Also known as a pharmacy. This is where you went on Sunday when the Package Store was closed and got your bottle of Pickwick Ale for medicinal purposes.
Elastic
Also known as a rubber band.
Fluff-a-nutter
Peanut butter and marshmellow fluff. For those of you who don't know, Marshmellow Fluff is a regional delicacy. It's a very sticky white cream, usually just called Fluff. It has the consistency of a big vat of melted marshmellows. I like fluff and strawberry jam, but the traditional application is with Peanut butter. You only get one pass at applying it to the bread (because it's extremely sticky) and you certainly don't dip the knife in anything else once it's been in the fluff jar.
Frappe or Cabinet
A Frappe is made with milk, ICE CREAM, and flavoring syrup, blended together in a frappe machine (mixer). Cabinet is a word used primarily in Rhode Island.
Grinder
I'm told that elsewhere the long sandwiches they serve in pizza joints are called subs and hoagies. Bizarre!
Hamburg
Shorthand for a hamburger.
Ice Cream Soda
An Ice Cream Soda is similar to a frappe, but with soda water instead of milk.
Jimmies
Tiny candy that goes on ice cream. Come in plain 'chocolate' and 'rainbow' varietys. Known elsewhere as Sprinkes! Sprinkles to me sounds a little, well, feminine.
Johnnie
Another word for a hospital gown.
Leaf Peepers
People who head up to New England to check out the foliage. Usually found driving 20 mph on major roadways. Of course, this is usually restricted to the Mohawk Trail (Route 2 west of Westminster). Interstate I-190 is really nice too, and not really well known, of course the speed limit is like 70mph, so it's not as cool for the old folks.
Milk Shake or Flavored Milk
Milk and syrup.
Out-of-Stater
You ain't from around here are you? Anyone who hasn't lived here their whole life basically. You can tell them apart because they usually have funny accents like those people on TV and don't know what the "Curse of the Bambino" is.
Package Store (Packie)
Package stores are not where you buy boxes, it's where you go to get beer. Usually, people refer to them as "Packie's". You go down to the packie on a Friday to get ready for the weekend, especially if your from Southie. You have to remember in Massachusetts, the Blue Laws keep the Packie's closed on the weekend. You want beer on a Sunday? Better drive north to New Hampshire, it's cheaper there anyways. You also need to remember they don't generally sell alcohol in grocery stores here either, that requires a lot of paperwork and generally isn't done.
Piss-ah
(Really spelt pisser). Which means awesome, very good. No, I'm not making this up, I don't know how this one started.
Soda
Pop is your father, not a drink.
Tonic
This is another word for soda, I don't hear it in Worcester too often, mostly out by Boston. This is the original word for soda in New England.
Tonic Water
Carbonated water flavored with quinine as used in a "Gin and Tonic".
Townie
Someone who has basically lived in the same town for an extended period of time. ie. Since the dawn of time. (Not that awful TV show that used to be on, where the accents of the actors changed every episode).
Water Bubbler
Drinking fountain? Who drinks out of a fountain? I'm told this is used outside of the region as well, so I guess we can't claim it as a unique New England word.
Wicked
A modifier...equivalent to "very", only stronger. When someone in New England says something is wicked, they aren't calling it evil.
You Might be from Boston if...
You think of Philadelphia as the Midwest.
You think it's your God-given right to cut someone off in traffic.
You think there are only 25 letters in the alphabet (no R's).
You think three straight days of 90+ temperatures is a heat wave.
All your pets are named after Celtics or Bruins players.
You refer to 6 inches of snow as a "dusting."
Just hearing the words "New York" puts you in an angry mood.
You don't think you have an attitude.
You always 'bang a left' as soon as the light turns green, and oncoming traffic always expects it.
Everything in town is "a five minute walk."
When out of town, you think the natives of the area are all whacked.
You still can't bear to watch highlights from game 6 of the 1986 World Series.
You have no idea what the word compromise means.
You believe using your turn signal is a sign of weakness.
You don't realize that you walk and talk twice as fast as everyone else.
You're anal, neurotic, pessimistic & stubborn.
You think if someone is nice to you, they must want something, or are from out of town.
Your favorite adjective is "wicked."
You think 63 degree ocean water is warm.
You think the Kennedy's are misunderstood.
How To Tell You Are From Massachusetts....
The person driving in front of you is going 70 mph and you are cursing him for going too slow.
The fact that Routes 128 and 95 are pretty much the same thing doesn't confuse you.
When ordering a tonic, you mean a coke... not water with bubbles.
You can navigate a rotary without a problem.
You almost feel insulted when someone doesn't flip you off when you cut them off, or steal their parking space, etc.
You know how to pronounce towns like Worcester, Haverhill and Cotuit
You have driven to New Hampshire on a Sunday in order to get beer
You know that there are two Bulger brothers (both are crooks.. but, you know there are two)
You have been to Fenway Park
You knew that there was no chance in Hell that the Patriots would move to Hartford (Ha! Ha!)
You laugh at all of the other states in New England
You know of at least 1 diner or food vendor to get something to eat after last call
You can actually find your way around Boston
You have spent at least 1 weekend at UMass
The curse of the Bambino is taught in public schools
You refer to the New York Yankees as the Devil's Bitches or something worse
Colleges are used as landmarks for directions (i.e., Go past MIT until you hit Harvard. Take a right and go past Lesley. Keep going until you get to Tufts. (actual directions).
Doug Flutie is the greatest athlete ever
Evacuation Day is a recognized holiday
You know at least 1 guy either named Sean, Pat, White, Red, O.B. or Seamus
You think the rest of the country owes you for having things like Thanksgiving and independence.
As a kid you laughed at the kids down south who never got to have 'snow days'
You feel that the rest of the world needs to drive more like you
The Beanpot is a hockey tournament not a serving container
You take great pride in Cheers
You can recognize a Revere girl simply by looking at her hair
You know exactly where you were when Buckner missed the ball
You know that there is a bigger difference between Roxbury and West Roxbury than just a direction
Somebody calls you a Masshole and you take it as a compliment.
And, the final and most prominent way to know that you are from Massachusetts...
You do not recognize the letter "R" as a part of speech
Tips for Visitors to Boston
Not sure where this originated, it's pretty old. It's useful for those of who don't visit Boston too often, which I must say applies to me as well.
Getting Around:
Boston is a mishmosh of 17th-century cow paths and 19th-century landfill penned in by water.
You know, "One if by land, two if by sea."
Which Warren Street do you want? We have three Warren Avenues, three Warren Squares, a Warren Park, and a Warren Place.
Pay no attention to the street names. There's no school on School Street,no court on Court Street, no dock on Dock Square, no water on Water Street.
Back Bay streets are in alphabetical odda. Arlington, Berkeley, Clarendon,Dartmouth.
So are South Boston streets: A, B, C, D.
If the streets are named after trees (Walnut, Chestnut, Cedar), you're on Beacon Hill. If they're named after poets, you're in Wellesley.
All avenues are properly referenced by their nicknames: Comm Ave, Mass Ave, Dot Ave.
Dot is Dorchester, Rozzie is Roslindale, JP is Jamaica Plain.
Things Not To Do:
Don't call it Beantown.
Don't pahk your cah in Hahvid Yahd. They'll tow it to Meffa (Medford) or Slumaville (Sommerville).
Don't swim in the Charles, no matter what Bill Weld tells you.
Don't sleep in the Common.
Don't wear orange in Southie on St. Patrick's Day (you may be killed).
Don't call the mayah "Mumbles." He hates that, and will tell you not to be an 'alcatraz around his neck'.
Things You Should Know:
There are two State Houses, two City Halls, two courthouses, two Hancock buildings (one old, one new).
There's also a Boston Latin School and a Boston Latin Academy.
Both are referred to as Boston Latin. How should we know which one you mean?
Route 128 is also I-95. When 128 is also I-93, your heading both North and South at the same time.
It's the Sox, the Pats (or Patsies if they're losing), the Seltz, the Broons.
The Harvard Bridge doesn't go to Harvard. It goes to MIT. It's measured in 'smoots', which is the length of a certain Computer Science student at MIT.
The underground train is not a subway. It's the T, and it doesn't run all night (fah chrysakes, this ain't Noo Yawk)
You'll know who the cahdnal is, how to take the T to JP and what the blinking red light atop the old Hancock Building means in the summer (in winter it means snow is due).
If you're smaht, you'll never get cahded at the packie (liquor,or packagestore).
You only eat italian sausage outside Fenway Pahk before a Sox game with mustid, peppahs-n-onions.
You might be from Boston if...
You think it's your God-given right to cut someone off in traffic.
You think there are only 25 letters in the alphabet (no R's).
You think three straight days of 90+ temperatures is a heat wave.
All your pets are named after Celtics or Bruins.
You refer to 6 inches of snow as a "dusting."
Just hearing the words "New York" puts you in an angry mood.
You don't think you have an attitude.
You always 'bang a left' as soon as the light turns green, and oncoming traffic always expects it.
Everything in town is "a five minute walk."
When out of town, you think the natives of the area are all whacked.
You still can't bear to watch highlights from game 6 of the 1986 World Series.
You have no idea what the word compromise means.
You believe using your turn signal is a sign of weakness.
You don't realize that you walk and talk twice as fast as everyone else.
You're anal, neurotic, pessimistic & stubborn.
You think if someone is nice to you, they must want something, or are from out of town.
Your favorite adjective is "wicked."
You think 63 degree ocean water is warm.
You think the Kennedy's are misunderstood.
Dumb Massachusetts Laws
A woman can not be on top in sexual activities.
At a wake, mourners may eat no more than three sandwiches.
Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked.
An old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public.
Taxi drivers are prohibited from making love in the front seat of their taxi during their shifts.
All men must carry a rifle to church on Sunday. (Repealed)
Hunting on Sundays is prohibited.
It is illegal to go to bed without first having a full bath.
It is illegal to reproach Jesus Christ or the holy ghost. (MGL Chapter 272 section 36)
It's illegal to keep a mule on the second floor of a building not in a city unless there are 2 exits. (MGL Chapter 272 section 86)
It's illegal to sell fewer than 24 ducklings at a time before May 1, or to sell rabbits, chicks, or ducklings that have been painted a different color. (MGL Chapter 272 Section 80D)
It's illegal to allow someone to use stilts while working on the construction of a building. (MGL Chapter 149 Section 129B)
It's illegal to drive Texan, Mexican, Cherokee, or Indian cattle on a public road. (MGL Chapter 129 Section 35)
No gorilla is allowed in the back seat of any car.
Tattooing and body piercing is illegal. (Repealed October 2000)
Children may smoke, but they may not purchase cigarettes.
Tomatoes may not be used in the production of clam chowder.
Quakers and witches are banned.
Bullets may not be used as currency.
Massachusetts liquor stores can only open on Sundays if they are in Berkshire, Essex, Franklin, Middlesex or Worcester counties and are within 10 miles of the Vermont or New Hampshire borders.
Alcoholic drink specials are illegal.
Affiliation with the Communist party is illegal.
Public boxing matches are outlawed.
It is unlawful to injure a football goal post, doing so is punishable by a $200 fine
Defacing a milk carton is punishable by a $10 fine.
It is illegal to frighten a pigeon.
In 1659 the state of Massachusetts outlawed Christmas.
You can not have a antenna exposed outside of your house yet you can have a 25' satellite dish.
You may not curse inside the city limits.
You may not, at any time take a crap on your neighbour.
It is illegal to give beer to hospital patients.
Chapter 270: Section 5. Giving, selling or delivering alcoholic beverages or drugs to hospital patients; possession.
Section 5. Whoever, except under the direction of a physician, gives, sells or delivers alcoholic beverages, as defined in section one of chapter one hundred and thirty-eight, or a narcotic drug to a patient in any hospital who is suffering from inebriety or from the effect of inebriety, or from excessive use of narcotic drugs or from the effect of such use, and whoever has in his possession within the precincts of any hospital any such beverage or drug with intent to convey or deliver it to any such patient, except under direction as aforesaid, shall be punished by a fine of not more than fifty dollars or by imprisonment for not more than two months.
Candy may not contain more than 1% of alcohol.
Both Massachusetts and New Hampshire had old laws that penalized gamblers who lost money. You'd get fined in Massachusetts if you had any money left.
There is a Massachusetts law requiring all dogs to have their hind legs tied during the month of April.
Boston
it is unlawful to deliver diapers on Sunday, regardless of emergencies.
it's illegal to post an advertisement on a public urinal. It's also against the law to hang a vending machine on a utility pole.
In Boston, it's illegal to cut firewood in the street, or shoot a bow and arrow in the street.
In Boston it's against the law to keep manure in a building unless the building is being used as a stable. If it is, you can keep up to two cords of manure. If you're overstocked, you need a permit to move the stuff. And you can't leave it in the street.
A Boston mayor who disliked dancing and liked to retire early once banned midnight dancing in the Hub City.
Peeping in the windows of automobiles is forbidden.
It is illegal to take more than 2 baths a month within Boston confines.
It is illegal to play the fiddle.
Two people may not kiss in front of a church.
No more than two baths may be taken within the confines of the city.
No one may cross the Boston Common without carrying a shotgun in case of bears.
Anyone may let their sheep and cows graze in the public gardens/commons at any time except Sundays.
It is illegal to eat peanuts in church.
An old law prohibits the taking of baths on Sunday.
Duels to the death permitted on the common on Sundays provided that the Governor is present.
Women may not wear heels over 3 inches in length while on the common.
No one may take a bath without a prescription.
It is illegal for any citizen to own more than three dogs.
Burlington
You may not walk around with a "drink".
Cambridge
It is illegal to shake carpets in the street, or to throw orange peels on the sidewalk (section 12.16.100).
It costs $50 extra for a permit for hurling, soccer or Gaelic football games in a public park on a Sunday. (section 12.20.030)
Hingham
You may not have colored lights on your house if it can be seen from Main Street. Only white lights may be visible.
If you live on Main Street and want to paint your house, the colors must be approved by the historical society.
Hopkinton
Though horses and cows are allowed on the common, dogs are prohibited.
Longmeadow
It is illegal for two men to carry a bathtub across the town green.
Marblehead
it was illegal to cross the street on Sunday, unless absolutely necessary.
Marlboro
It is illegal to buy, sell or possess a squirt gun.
Silly string is illegal in the city limits.
One may not detonate a nuclear device in the city.
It is illegal for any citizen to own more than two dogs.
Milford
Peeping in the windows of automobiles is forbidden.
Newton
All families must be given a hog from the town's mayor.
North Andover
An ordinance prohibits the use of space guns.
Woburn
In bars, it is actually illegal to "walk around" with a beer in your hand. (Repealed)
Salem
sleeping in the nude in a rented room is forbidden, even for married couples.
Southbridge
makes it illegal to read books or newspapers after 8 p.m. in the streets.
Provincetown
it's illegal to sell suntan oil until after noon on Sunday.
Why Mass Drivers are famous...
exerpts from accident reports::!!
Some are humorous: These are a collection of reportedly actual reports filed by drivers.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I do not have.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before Ihit him.
I pulled away from the side of the road. Glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
I have been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have the accident.
The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy with a big mouth.
I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.
I had been driving for 40 years, when I fell asleep causing the accident.
As I approached the intersection a signal appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
An invisible car came out of nowhere and struck my car and vanished.
I told the police that I was not injured but on removing my hat, found that I had a fractured skull.
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.
I saw a slow-moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.
Massachusetts Driving Rules
1. A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how
many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you
sit in the left lane waiting for the same drivers to squeeze
their way back in before hitting the orange construction
barrels.
2. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real
Massachusetts driver never uses them. Use of them in Boston may
be illegal.
3. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance
between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be
filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous
situation.
4. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is
considered "going with the flow."
5. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the
chance you have of getting hit.
6. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive
bodywork. Massachusetts is a no-fault insurance states and the
other driver has nothing to lose.
7. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure
that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as
the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a
chance to stretch your legs.
8. Construction signs warn you about road closures immediately
after you pass the last exit before the backup.
9. The new electronic traffic warning system signs are not there
to provide useful information. They are only there to make
Massachusetts look high-tech and to distract you from seeing the
State Police Radar car parked on the median.
10. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.
11. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as
suggestions and are apparently not enforceable during rush hour.
12. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to
speed up or move over doesn't mean that a Mass driver flashing
his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your
spot.
13. Please remember that New Hampshire is the Granite State,
named so for a reason. Try to stay on the road.
14. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or
even if someone is just changing a tire.
15. Throwing litter on the roads adds variety to the landscape
and gives Adopt-a-Highway Crews something to clean up.
16. It is assumed that State Police cars passing at high speed
may be followed in the event you need to make up a few minutes
in your travel.
17. Learn to swerve abruptly. Massachusetts is the home of
high-speed slalom driving thanks to DOT, which places potholes
in various locations to test drivers' reflexes.
18. It is traditional in Massachusetts to honk your horn at cars
that don't move the instant the light changes.
19. Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right
of way, except in Boston where it acts as an invitation to duel
or play chicken.
20. Never take a green light at face value. Always look right
and left before proceeding. (In Maine it is allowed to stop and
then decide which direction to turn.)
21. Remember that the goal of every Massachusetts driver is to
get there first, by whatever means necessary.
22. Real Massachusetts female drivers can put on pantyhose,
apply eye makeup and balance the checkbook at seventy-five miles
per hour during a snowstorm in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
23. Real Massachusetts male drivers can remove pantyhose and a
bra at seventy-five miles per hour in bumper-to-bumper traffic
during daylight hours.
24. Heavy snow, ice, fog, and rain are no reasons to change any
of the previously listed rules. These weather conditions are
God's way of ensuring a natural selection process for body
shops,junk yards, and new vehicle sales.
Common Massachusetts Phrases
"All Set"
Means I'm ready. I was told this isn't used outside of the region, which I find wicked bizarre.
"Bang A Uey"
Better be careful where you do it, this means to make a U-Turn, also said as a U-e.
"Hihowahya"
A greeting ( not a Native American word) used primarily by Boston College Alumni Once commonly heard in Worcester, during the heyday of the BC/Holy Cross rivalry. Now relegated mostly to the bars around Cleveland Circle in Boston. Also frequently used by Jilly and Dani.
"Huck A Louey"
This is inreference to spitting. Such a vile habit...
"Don't make 'knee-odds'"
This is a phrase that seems to have been passed down from the old timer New Englanders to present generations. It is a verbal shorthand for the phrase, "It doesn't make any odds" ---meaning, "it doesn't matter".
"So don't I"
It means "that you do too". It is the "echo" of the negative tag question. "You live in Worcester, don't you? So don't I."
"Three Deckers" or "Tripple Deckers"
Three story apartment buildings, usually with one apartment to the floor. Very popular at the turn of the 19th and 20th century, and hence one of the reasons there are so many in Worcester (which was the peak of Worcester's industral strength).
"Waddaya, retahded?" or "Waddaya, braindead?"
"Are you nuts?; How could you say/do that?; You don't know what you're talking about!" Etc.. Not a very good thing to say, as it is unfeeling towards retarded people, but to be "fair", actual medically retarded people are the farthest thing from the minds of the speaker. It's meant more as an observance of a lack of thought on the part of the recipient of the phrase.
"You can't get there from here"
To be honest, I've never understood why people say this. Basically it means you're heading in the wrong direction. This one is most popular in Maine I think, but I've heard it in all parts of New England. Especially when travelling. I used to pump gas at one time, and was always tempted to say it myself.
Of course in Maine, there's a valid reason for this phrase. Most major roads tend to run north-south, so if you wanted to go somewhere west/east of your current location, it's a VERY long trip sometimes.
Bulkie
These are the big oversized rolls you use with cold cuts like ham and roast beef.
Butts
Smoking, in reference to a cigarette, either an unused one, or the ones in the ashtray.
BUBLAH
a water fountain
Clicker
Remote control for a TV or other similar devices.
Coffee Milk
Milk flavored with coffee syrup, *NOT* half coffee/half milk
Drug Store
Also known as a pharmacy. This is where you went on Sunday when the Package Store was closed and got your bottle of Pickwick Ale for medicinal purposes.
Elastic
Also known as a rubber band.
Fluff-a-nutter
Peanut butter and marshmellow fluff. For those of you who don't know, Marshmellow Fluff is a regional delicacy. It's a very sticky white cream, usually just called Fluff. It has the consistency of a big vat of melted marshmellows. I like fluff and strawberry jam, but the traditional application is with Peanut butter. You only get one pass at applying it to the bread (because it's extremely sticky) and you certainly don't dip the knife in anything else once it's been in the fluff jar.
Frappe or Cabinet
A Frappe is made with milk, ICE CREAM, and flavoring syrup, blended together in a frappe machine (mixer). Cabinet is a word used primarily in Rhode Island.
Grinder
I'm told that elsewhere the long sandwiches they serve in pizza joints are called subs and hoagies. Bizarre!
Hamburg
Shorthand for a hamburger.
Ice Cream Soda
An Ice Cream Soda is similar to a frappe, but with soda water instead of milk.
Jimmies
Tiny candy that goes on ice cream. Come in plain 'chocolate' and 'rainbow' varietys. Known elsewhere as Sprinkes! Sprinkles to me sounds a little, well, feminine.
Johnnie
Another word for a hospital gown.
Leaf Peepers
People who head up to New England to check out the foliage. Usually found driving 20 mph on major roadways. Of course, this is usually restricted to the Mohawk Trail (Route 2 west of Westminster). Interstate I-190 is really nice too, and not really well known, of course the speed limit is like 70mph, so it's not as cool for the old folks.
Milk Shake or Flavored Milk
Milk and syrup.
Out-of-Stater
You ain't from around here are you? Anyone who hasn't lived here their whole life basically. You can tell them apart because they usually have funny accents like those people on TV and don't know what the "Curse of the Bambino" is.
Package Store (Packie)
Package stores are not where you buy boxes, it's where you go to get beer. Usually, people refer to them as "Packie's". You go down to the packie on a Friday to get ready for the weekend, especially if your from Southie. You have to remember in Massachusetts, the Blue Laws keep the Packie's closed on the weekend. You want beer on a Sunday? Better drive north to New Hampshire, it's cheaper there anyways. You also need to remember they don't generally sell alcohol in grocery stores here either, that requires a lot of paperwork and generally isn't done.
Piss-ah
(Really spelt pisser). Which means awesome, very good. No, I'm not making this up, I don't know how this one started.
Soda
Pop is your father, not a drink.
Tonic
This is another word for soda, I don't hear it in Worcester too often, mostly out by Boston. This is the original word for soda in New England.
Tonic Water
Carbonated water flavored with quinine as used in a "Gin and Tonic".
Townie
Someone who has basically lived in the same town for an extended period of time. ie. Since the dawn of time. (Not that awful TV show that used to be on, where the accents of the actors changed every episode).
Water Bubbler
Drinking fountain? Who drinks out of a fountain? I'm told this is used outside of the region as well, so I guess we can't claim it as a unique New England word.
Wicked
A modifier...equivalent to "very", only stronger. When someone in New England says something is wicked, they aren't calling it evil.
You Might be from Boston if...
You think of Philadelphia as the Midwest.
You think it's your God-given right to cut someone off in traffic.
You think there are only 25 letters in the alphabet (no R's).
You think three straight days of 90+ temperatures is a heat wave.
All your pets are named after Celtics or Bruins players.
You refer to 6 inches of snow as a "dusting."
Just hearing the words "New York" puts you in an angry mood.
You don't think you have an attitude.
You always 'bang a left' as soon as the light turns green, and oncoming traffic always expects it.
Everything in town is "a five minute walk."
When out of town, you think the natives of the area are all whacked.
You still can't bear to watch highlights from game 6 of the 1986 World Series.
You have no idea what the word compromise means.
You believe using your turn signal is a sign of weakness.
You don't realize that you walk and talk twice as fast as everyone else.
You're anal, neurotic, pessimistic & stubborn.
You think if someone is nice to you, they must want something, or are from out of town.
Your favorite adjective is "wicked."
You think 63 degree ocean water is warm.
You think the Kennedy's are misunderstood.
How To Tell You Are From Massachusetts....
The person driving in front of you is going 70 mph and you are cursing him for going too slow.
The fact that Routes 128 and 95 are pretty much the same thing doesn't confuse you.
When ordering a tonic, you mean a coke... not water with bubbles.
You can navigate a rotary without a problem.
You almost feel insulted when someone doesn't flip you off when you cut them off, or steal their parking space, etc.
You know how to pronounce towns like Worcester, Haverhill and Cotuit
You have driven to New Hampshire on a Sunday in order to get beer
You know that there are two Bulger brothers (both are crooks.. but, you know there are two)
You have been to Fenway Park
You knew that there was no chance in Hell that the Patriots would move to Hartford (Ha! Ha!)
You laugh at all of the other states in New England
You know of at least 1 diner or food vendor to get something to eat after last call
You can actually find your way around Boston
You have spent at least 1 weekend at UMass
The curse of the Bambino is taught in public schools
You refer to the New York Yankees as the Devil's Bitches or something worse
Colleges are used as landmarks for directions (i.e., Go past MIT until you hit Harvard. Take a right and go past Lesley. Keep going until you get to Tufts. (actual directions).
Doug Flutie is the greatest athlete ever
Evacuation Day is a recognized holiday
You know at least 1 guy either named Sean, Pat, White, Red, O.B. or Seamus
You think the rest of the country owes you for having things like Thanksgiving and independence.
As a kid you laughed at the kids down south who never got to have 'snow days'
You feel that the rest of the world needs to drive more like you
The Beanpot is a hockey tournament not a serving container
You take great pride in Cheers
You can recognize a Revere girl simply by looking at her hair
You know exactly where you were when Buckner missed the ball
You know that there is a bigger difference between Roxbury and West Roxbury than just a direction
Somebody calls you a Masshole and you take it as a compliment.
And, the final and most prominent way to know that you are from Massachusetts...
You do not recognize the letter "R" as a part of speech
Tips for Visitors to Boston
Not sure where this originated, it's pretty old. It's useful for those of who don't visit Boston too often, which I must say applies to me as well.
Getting Around:
Boston is a mishmosh of 17th-century cow paths and 19th-century landfill penned in by water.
You know, "One if by land, two if by sea."
Which Warren Street do you want? We have three Warren Avenues, three Warren Squares, a Warren Park, and a Warren Place.
Pay no attention to the street names. There's no school on School Street,no court on Court Street, no dock on Dock Square, no water on Water Street.
Back Bay streets are in alphabetical odda. Arlington, Berkeley, Clarendon,Dartmouth.
So are South Boston streets: A, B, C, D.
If the streets are named after trees (Walnut, Chestnut, Cedar), you're on Beacon Hill. If they're named after poets, you're in Wellesley.
All avenues are properly referenced by their nicknames: Comm Ave, Mass Ave, Dot Ave.
Dot is Dorchester, Rozzie is Roslindale, JP is Jamaica Plain.
Things Not To Do:
Don't call it Beantown.
Don't pahk your cah in Hahvid Yahd. They'll tow it to Meffa (Medford) or Slumaville (Sommerville).
Don't swim in the Charles, no matter what Bill Weld tells you.
Don't sleep in the Common.
Don't wear orange in Southie on St. Patrick's Day (you may be killed).
Don't call the mayah "Mumbles." He hates that, and will tell you not to be an 'alcatraz around his neck'.
Things You Should Know:
There are two State Houses, two City Halls, two courthouses, two Hancock buildings (one old, one new).
There's also a Boston Latin School and a Boston Latin Academy.
Both are referred to as Boston Latin. How should we know which one you mean?
Route 128 is also I-95. When 128 is also I-93, your heading both North and South at the same time.
It's the Sox, the Pats (or Patsies if they're losing), the Seltz, the Broons.
The Harvard Bridge doesn't go to Harvard. It goes to MIT. It's measured in 'smoots', which is the length of a certain Computer Science student at MIT.
The underground train is not a subway. It's the T, and it doesn't run all night (fah chrysakes, this ain't Noo Yawk)