Salty Advice for Good Mates

[Ausse Salt]

G'day Mates,

This is a new thread-forum ov me spot-on crakerjack advice for all you new-joeys & good mates out there.

Due to popular de-mand, now you blokes can bring on your problems here & I'll save the day with me rock-solid knowledge ov life.

### Salty

[Ausse Salt]

First off, one ov me work mates - a joey named Kevin who is about finished with his secondary school lessons (called high school 'round here) & ready for University came to me with his problem.

Seems the poor bloke wuz asked up by a girl to go with her to the Prominade. So he agree to go, & now another pretty-bird beaut ov a young nipper that he fancys some has come 'round askin him to go with HER instead, and makin all kinds ov promices about after the dance...

So he got 'imself into a sticky-wicket 'cause his Mum already thinks he's going there with the first girl...

Rightly good thing Kevin come to get me advice. Tolde him to figure which lovvy gonna give him better action. Them 18 yearold nippers can get ya off like a Rockhampton rocket. He don't wanna feel like a shitheel for leavin the first girl "waiting on the dock" for another date & going to the Prom with the pretty-bird.

So I tolde the mate to go there WITH BOTH lovvys & after he can have a three-person threesome. That way everybody happy & no bad feelins. The lucky bloke can do a sixty-nine an 'alf ov another sixty-nine... thats, lemme see .... carry off the one ... thats a one`hundred three & one-half. Right-lucky bastard...

### Salty

[Ausse Salt]

One o' the mates went to see the new film 'bout them Terrorists & the airplane. And he wuz askin' me how we could stop all them coldpricks from high-jackin' the planes.

I tolde him that years ago old Alf from the telly had a bonzer suggestion -- when blokes get on the plane & sit in their seats, the stewards & stewardesses handover a pistol to every one. Maybe even one hundred or so.

Now EVERYBODY has a pistol, them terrorists and all the good mates also -- some time ya cant tell whoose-which.
So since every bloke gotta gun, no one shoots anybody.
And when the plane lands after flyin', ya handover the pistols to the steward people when ya walk out the door.

That way every one is safe and no droobs crash the plane and what-not. Too right!

### Salty

[Ausse Salt]

Another ov the mates named Harry was tellin' me last week about his bad ways with his wife. He had been over wanna them Chineese AMP joints up Pittsburgh & like a droob he used his charged card to pay, and now his wife found his credit slips so she knows ov it.

So his wife is now crabbin all over his arse & makin him be in the "Dog's house" theese days some. He had a good excuse by saying that he hurt up his shoulder some playing Soft ball with the mates & one ov the mates is a Doctor and tolde him to go get theirapey for his shoulder so he went to get "chineese accupuncher" (stuck with sharp pins) and that is on the credit slip.

I tolde the mate that wuz quick thinking but Harry say his wife still onto him about all his bad ways. Tolde him that if his fat-so wife would blow his bone better he could give HER the money for shoppin & flowers instead ov payin the AMP. Hee Hee.

Gave him me good advice for Mum's Day. Got the number ov the telephone for "Swlickly Spa" a AMP for ladies where they get a good bath & purfumed up and what-not. So Harry got a special visit there planned for his wife. So maybe she wont be onto him about his bad ways no more.

Hee Hee. Maybe the ladys spa has a frenchman there or a chinaman wholl pork Harry's fat wife like a Tassie Tiger!

Thats the lessons today. If your wife catches you at the AMP you send her over to the lady spa for herself.

#### Salty

[Ausse Salt]

Hey Mates,

Be rightly carefull & watch your back shoulder when yer out getting some action. Was up by Pittsburgh & went to one o' them chineese AMP joints by Robinson towne.
A old scrubber let me in the door at pinetree and I asked to see a good line-up ov 3-4 young lovvys to choose. The old scrubber tolde me she was the only bowler there today & I said "thats okey, I'll leave now an go accrost the road to the other AMP there."

The old cow starts yellin' off her chineese talk & I dont know what she says 'cause I dont understand, and quick as any - a bald headed big chineese droob come up and say "You pay door moneys!" And he gets into me distance an I cant get to the door. So I got holde ov a flower-bottle from the table and said "Come ahead, drongo. I'll break up your ugley face good!" & the old scrubber say "You leave now!" & she open the door and I went out and didnt pay any money to them robbers.

Glad I got outta there and left the bottle by the doorway. Was gonna go over to the other crookshack to 'ave a go, but them chineese might get onto the telephone & had two big hatchett-men be there waiting for me to bust about me balls or do there Kung-fu and break me leg or something bad like that.

So watch yer arse, mates. That's me good lesson.

### Salty

[Ausse Salt]

Any ov you good mates out there that got some problems can surely bring 'em 'round here & I'll lecture you like them expensive doctors & whackey-room blokes do...

Anyhou, some ov the young-joeys been askin what to do when they go to the chineese AMP house. So like a teacher from University I'll give em' the crackerjack advice. So sit yerselves up straight & quit pullin' on yer pork 'till I finish.

First, only take inside youre car-keys & monnies fer the visit- doorway fee & maybe 5 twennys "tip" monnies.
When the house-mum say "You surely been here fer a go before, havent you, mate?" You say "yes, surely, some monthes ago." an give the old house mum a playfull smack on her arse. Or say you usually go to the other tatshack accrosst towne an wanna give this place a go today.
An when she lead ya to the room & take doorway monny, take off every stitch ov youre clothes right away.

When the lovvy (or house-mum) come take ya for bathen-shower she should see that yer naked already. And it's surely bad form to be letten off youre rank boofters & loud farts, mates. Unless the house-mum lets off first! Bring yer Sunday manners with you.
An I always get a royal stiff-on during the bath an they can tell I aint a droob or a cobber - I'm there to paint up Holly with a chineese lovvy!

When she dry you off & ya go back to the room, go directly to yer clothes an hand the lovvy all the tip monnies - this way she goes an gets herself all ready for a go spot-on, an dont hafta piss-around rubbin' yer back fer twenny minutes & wondering if yer a cobber & getting yer yard up to take her over the hoosgow for jail-time.
The lovvy will take the monnies to the house-mum & come back in short-order & ready to "rock about your world"!

And when yer getting yer action, try to keep from shooting yer splurk too soon, try to 'old out as long as you can so you can pork the lovvy fer almost the whole hour! Close up yer eyes & try to think about bad thoughts - some time I visualize a droob like Chalkie porking an old crone like old Miss Peabody & thats enough for me to lose me stiff-on. So after a good bit o' that shit I'm ready to go off after half-the-hour or so. An then the lovvy clean ya up and lead ya out the door.

Child-like play for you good mates. Go on & have a jolly time there.

### Salty

[PsyberZombie]

Another ov the mates named Harry was tellin' me last week about his bad ways with his wife. He had been over wanna them Chineese AMP joints up Pittsburgh & like a droob he used his charged card to pay, and now his wife found his credit slips so she knows ov it.

So his wife is now crabbin all over his arse & makin him be in the "Dog's house" theese days some.

Some more Advice for Harry : he should quote some ancient Chinese Wisdom to his wifey

Confuscious say =

" Wife who send husband to Dog House soon find him in Cat House "


p.s. Today's date is 6 / 6 / 6

.... so let's go out and raise a little Hell , Gentlemen !!

[Ausse Salt]

G'day Zomber,

That's all too right, mate. I tried to help the bloke & his wife with me rock-solid advice. 'Course his fat wife coulde surely use some pamperin' at the lady spa.
That chineese Confusiches bloke has a whole patchell ov them good sayings like that & I'd surely like to meet him some day but I aint going to china & Confusiches maybe dead already.

We usta have 'bout half-the-dozen mates posting 'round Wheeling but dont know where they went off to. Seems just yer old Salt & Informate here theese days much any.

### Salty

[PsyberZombie]

Anyhou, some ov the young-joeys been askin what to do when they go to the chineese AMP house. So like a teacher from University I'll give em' the crackerjack advice. So sit yerselves up straight & quit pullin' on yer pork 'till I finish.

Bonzer Advice , Salty !!

Your students might want to try a little Trick known as The Ri Designer Switch =

http://www.usasexguide.info/forum/showpost.php?p=416444&postcount=56

Not being a fan of AMPs , I've never tried this one me·self ; but Mr Designer *swears* it works ..... every time !!

[Ausse Salt]

That Deiziner bloke may be right about some things, Zomber. However in all me times at them chineese AMP joints I'm still not sure if the house-mum creeps through all yer clothes while yer in the bathe-showers.

I usta leave all me clothes almost in a set pattern, like wanna them artsy-fartsy blokes who only knows ov the secret. And when I get back to me clothes and socks (where I some times hide-out me tip monnies) they seem to be untouched. An I dont think the house-mum needs to look through yer knickers lookin fer yer monnies, 'cause most ov theese tatshacks seem to all charge the same monnies fer action.

I understand tryin to keep-on with the low prices for all the good mates, but if I 'ad meself a bonzer time with the lovvy I dont want to trick or gypp her outta her tip monnies. The AMP joints are surely different from youre dates with the street scrubbers who lie & try to run off with yer monnies an pisspoor action.

When I almost had a big row with that baldheadded chineese droob I didnt want to have a go with the only lovvy there 'cause she was old & there is another AMP right acrosst the road. So I didnt feel I owed any door monies since we never left the front hall-way much any.
That droob was just pissed off his nob `cause I decided to leave & go acrosst the street an the big droob wont get his "piece" ov me monnies so he tried to rob me for the door-fee & I tolde him to "go piss-off"- right good thing the old lovvy let me out the door before the big droob coulda used his kung-fu like we see on the telly.

### Salty

[PsyberZombie]

Any ov you good mates out there that got some problems can surely bring 'em 'round here & I'll lecture you like them expensive doctors & whackey-room blokes do...


Dear Salty ,

Last night I picked up a young lovey and she blew my bone like a Melbourne Magpie !!

Then I got to thinking = wouldn't getting your bone blown by a Melbourne Magpie *hurt* ??
I mean , what with them sharp beakers and all , plus you might get yer dangle·berries plucked for a snack by the yob

Please advise


Your friend ,

»»» P·Z «««

[Ausse Salt]

G'day Zomber,

I surely hope the lovvy didn't bite off any ov your bone, mate. Cant be too carefull 'bout things. Hee Hee.

When I mention to the mates about a "Melbourne Magpie" - I don't really mean a bird. Back home me & me mates call on them hoitey-toitey girls from Melbourne who attend University & hang 'round the pubs "magpies" cause they always yakkin & yippin theyre gobs. And when one ov them has to go tinkle - all five ov 'em are off to the loo...
You know ov the kind ov lovvys I mean.

Some time if you 'old out long enough you can find a randy beaut after all her mates leave & she'll blow ya good like a "Melbourne Magpie."

Hee Hee. Don't know ov any droobs tryen to get blowed by a real magpie, but theres storys from over Perth way ov lovvys who would let a doaby have a go with them...
Crikey, that bludger Chalkie woulde try to f**K a King Brown Snake if some bloke woulde hold it still.

### Salty

[Third Eye]

A question for the Perfesser from a native hoopie. I have a friend I've known for several years who also happens to be a stripper lovvy. Her dancing skills are unparalleled and for a reasonale rate. Once I asked her, you know, hypothetically, IF we wanted to hook up how much would the full deal cost? She says 4. (yes 4.) I about crapped my pants. I asked how about seconds or DFK--no on those. To be fair this is a nice non-rushed evening together at her place with no clock ticking. OTOH you know how it is when you have an attractive female friend who you just have to try out, just for curiosity's sake...

Now my question for you, sir, is how would you go about negotiating a better price?

[Ausse Salt]

Fer Crikey sake, its me old mate Three Eyes! Where ya been, ya bleedin' dirty drongo. Even if youre living all the way accrosst the country-side you can still leave a post 'round here some times.

G'day Three Eyes,

First thing, mate. Didja know ov her BEFORE she wuz a dancer? If so it woulde make it better. If she's a mate ov youres who has always been a dancer, do ya really gotta get on to her? Aint seein her bare-naked enough?

Seems like to youre old Salt that if she was really a good mate & knows yer interested, shed give ya a more reasonable rate. Maybe she was tryin to give ya the dingo-dodge by naming a steep price that she knows you wont want to pay.

What about YOU NOW actin like yer no longer interested in the pretty-bird no more, and see if she takes up the bait and drops down her price some? --- Me Pap usta say that to catch a pretty-bird, throw some salt on her tail.
Too right!

#### Salty

[Third Eye]

Prof Salt,

Been busy investigatin' the AMPs here on the Left Coast. You are correct sir, I've been lurking in the HLG forum, and there's no excuse for not posting.

Now to your questions: I didn't know her before she was a dancer--quite the opposite, I met her in the strip club and THEN we became friends. We occasionally meet outside the club, but when it comes to poontang, it's all business. And she claims she has clients who will meet the price. But now I think, if it's all business to her, I should make a counter offer and see what happens.

3rdI

[Ausse Salt]

G'day followers ov me advice,

Seen young Kevin 'round the towne the last week & he gonna be over University at that West Virginia college schoolhouse (called W.V.U.) soon. Surely his mum made him go on to the prominade dance with the first young nipper that asked - not the pretty bird - SHE went with another bloke named Mark. Kevin say the first girl wuz real quiet & only gave him a kiss after. Hee hee. Poor bloke had to hump his own right fist fer his action at home after.

And Harry's fat wife DID go over the Lady Spa. Heehee.
No chinamen there to pork her dirty! Harry did say his wife had 4 neighbours over for a cook-out & after they were all hemmed up from drinking all day & played stripper cards after. 3 men against the 3 wives.
Harry say they all say his own wife has the biggest nerkers and the biggest arse also! Woulde like to know which ov his neighbours but he dont say. And No big orgey party after, just the card play.

Hafta to hear from Three Eyes to see if he ever got to pork his dancer-mate.

#### Salty

[Inglewood]

Thanks for the PM and the advice column! One other question. In the Pittsburgh area do you actually get to see a line up of girls? Very unusual for AMPs. My experience in other areas has always been you take what the mamasan brings to ya. Will be in Pitt next week and will report the results. Any idea the quality of talent available now? Thanks bloke fer yer column!

[Ausse Salt]

Youre surely welcome, mate. Good thing to see a young-joey like you payin' attention some time. If all the blokes were like you, cobbers woulde probably not be bustin' on we hobbyists at all.

Me Mum rang up & asked me to come back to me homeland fer me birthday soon. She surely gettin' up in years and I may head back "down under" fer a good monthe or so.

Me lesson on today is that fer you good mates who 'ave yer parents & Paps & Grans still living, make sure ya ring up on the telephone & visit them some time... they surely won't be 'round forever. Too Right!

### Salty

[Ausse Salt]

Hey Mates,

Heard from our mate Three Eyes. He surely DID HAVE A GO with that dancer-lovvy he fancys. And the bounder tolde me that he buggered her half-the-way to China! He did say that he had to pay up the prime monnies, but had a jolly time also.

Three Eyes also say that it wuz worth the trip. It's only monnies. You blokes coulde get pulled-off by a cobber fer driving past a red-signal or have your car radiatour break-up & you'd have to spend the monny for that, why not spend it on a good lovvy & pork her like a Tassie Tiger! Let the good times roll so ya dont get old. Too right, mates.

### Salty

[PsyberZombie]

G'day , Mate !!

Read your recent complaint over the Boston Board and posted my reply here ('http://www.usasexguide.info/forum/showpost.php?p=448238&postcount=56')

Enjoy !!

[Ausse Salt]

G'day Zomber,

Because ov me slow computer works I aint able to see your funny pictures, mate. Maybe try another time.

You good mates out there all be rightly careful when puntin' around yer townes theese days much any. All the Towne Squires got the cobbers doin' them shithouse tricks
& stings on the streetlovvys & mates. Them Squire scoundrels & towne sheriffs all tryin theyre level-best to be chosen-on by the voting people.

### Salty

[Ausse Salt]

G'day Mates,

Since me mate Jackson surely has alotta new blokes & young-joeys comming on here every-other day, I reckon we coulde get all the mates onto the basic lessons when yer puntin 'round the pitch & trowlin fer streetlovvys & nippers.

Sometime its surely better to just observe the sceene some, and drive around to check about the area. And if ya aint seen any lovvys out at all -- dont be a prize doaby & drive the same block over and over like a mook.
Cobbers see ya and know yer on the hunt. Come back fer another quick pass-by a hour later.

And if a lovvy waves you over & you pull off yer car, NEVER under any reason talk outside yer window to her! Not even if ya know the lovvy` -- cobbers may be watching from the next alley. Dont talk untill she climbs in the car & ya drive on. Never heard yet that a uncover lady cobber get in a mates car to trick him. And if the lovvvy is all dollyed-up like shes on her way to the Queen's Ball -- she may be a lady cobber! Most streetlovvys look little better than Shithouse Sally.

You young-joeys use yer brains & be safe with things.
Any good mates got other good tips to share?

### Salty

[PsyberZombie]

Excellent advice , as always , Salty !!

More tid·bits for the newbies =

http://www.usasexguide.info/forum/showpost.php?p=197544&postcount=12

http://www.usasexguide.info/forum/showpost.php?p=303109&postcount=1345


Some advice for YOU , Salty = find a friend with high·speed internet access so you can watch the movie linked to in Post # 20 below . Too right !!

[Ausse Salt]

That's a good-one, Zomber. I was hoping one ov the good mates coulde post-over a link to all them PRIME RULES & LAWS we wize blokes use when we're on the trowall fer sweet puntangue juice.

Some o' you 'newbies' 'round here & young-joeys can surely learn a good deal from listening to Psyber Zomber.
He knows ov the streetways & towne lovvys like you surely know youre right hand, mates. That's all fair dinkum.

And Zomber surely know his own right hand really well also. Hee Hee.

### Salty

[PsyberZombie]

And Zomber surely know his own right hand really well also. Hee Hee.


Right you are there , mate !!

Me right hand has stroked more & faster than the Oz Olympic Crew Team

... and with better results , too , I might add !!

[Ausse Salt]

G'day, mates ov mine.

Been seein' alotta write-ups in the news papers about hobbyists 'round the Pittsburgh towne. Firstly, Psyber Zomber wuz telling about his EIGHTY year-old uncle bloke who got busted-on by the cobbers for tradin' off his sore back pills for BJs with the street lovvys. Hee Hee.

And also read about the towne cobber stings catching-up all the old blokes punting 'round looking fer the pretty-bird young nippers. Now the Pittsburgh Squires tryin to change the laws so if ya get yerself caught in a cobber sting you will just get a Warning Ticket to pay some moneys & NOT get arrested & taken off to the hoosgow for jail-time. Maybe Pittsburgh will become the 'hot spot' fer puntin around.

Gonna go with Mick Clancy to american football Steelers practice camp tomorrow & maybe to a chineese AMP joint also.

### Salty

[Ausse Salt]

G'day Mates,

Theese days we have ourselves a rightly serious time dealing with all the troubles & happenings when we're on the prowel punting 'round fer streetlovvys. So all the good mates around the whole country-side need to get onto the towne squires for your rites.

Firstly all them sad-sobbor storys in justa 'bout every bleedin' news-paper telling the bad things for street-lovvys like pills & drugs and crimes & what-not.
Crikey sake, I'd surely wager only ONE piss-poor droob writes a story & every news-paper prints the same tale ov woe. And all them news-hours on the telly have the same story about cobber stings and shithouse tricks but NO storys about how towne squires gonna get onto the pills sellers & tribal blokes shootin pistols and murders.
Only bustin up balls ov good mates puntin 'round.

Second, aint got enough cobbers to paint the shithouse roof, but surely got a half-dozen to do overtime work as uncovered cobbers fer sting-traps 'round the towne and get briberies monnies at the green door.

Wheres me rites when cobbers & towne squires break the laws also?

### Salty

[Ausse Salt]

G'day mates & readers ov me earbore advice,

I'm leevin' on walkabout for a monthe or a few weeks. Keep yerselves clear ov all the cobbers when puntin' round youre townes untill I get back here.

If ya need any advice on lifes & lovvys then Psyber Zomber or wanna the other good mates will set you on to the right roads. And if you need advice on pullin yer porke & bein a prize droob then Chalkie is here also.

### Salty

[Paul in WV]

Have a good trip Salty. Give us some stories of the ladies down there when you get back. Paul

[Ausse Salt]

G'day Mates,

Surely feels good to be back 'round here from me walkabout, even that I been havin' to set a couple o' drongos into their place.

Now since I started me new job over Pittsburgh-way alotta blokes been askin' what will be the sceene around Wheeling and West VA soon as the Meadows races get there own pokie-slot machines soon.

All them pennsylvania people who come down the hill to do gambling wont be comming no more - thats what! So they can do gambling over pensylvania & not here. And that fat bludger Ted from the telly & Mountaner race joint had better be worried also. "will leave the empty slots on for you." -- Hee Hee. And Wheeling islands will go back to being a "ghoste towne" like in them days before gamblin'.

And towne Squires allready closed-up the "Green Door" and Me Club and no reason for good blokes to come 'round our towne any more. And Cobbers chase-off all the street-lovvys tryin' to make tricks & flat moneys by blowing bones & selling their arses. Aint gonna be no good economys here -- maybe that will chase-out all the pills-sellers some day.

I hope you good mates who are voting people will remember on your city voting days to only vote-on good fair-dinkum blokes wholl let ya punt around for lovvys. Too right!

### Salty

[Third Eye]

Prof Salt,

Wellcum back from down under! Please post on the punting situation in Aussieland. Inquiring minds want to know...

3rdI

[Ausse Salt]

G'day Three Eyes,

Didn't get around to see any lovvys much-any on me walkabout but surely will next time. And before Psyber Zomber or another mate askes, No, I didn't see any old Overseers from me reformatorys & punch any eyes.

The old buildings are closed-up now & a nursurry is next-over. And heard that wanna the overseers name o' Nate is old & fat & walks-about with a brace. Shoulda looked-about for him & set him on his ear, but dont mean much to me if the bludger cannot stand-up fer himself.

Also heard from me Mum that one o' the pretty-birds I usta fancy name o' Pam has herself 5 kids now. Ye Christ! Wish me best mate Packey was still livin', he woulde surely be over here with me & getting all the lovvys.

### Salty

[Ausse Salt]

G'day Mates & readers ov me advice,

Had to get-out a message to ya after hearin' from that bludger Chalkie 'bout his new businesses & what-not.
The drongo is attit again with his bludger-ways. Seems he got into a partnership with a bloke from the telly name o' Carlton Sheets, and he now got all the books & papers to be a lord ov Real Estates. Hee Hee.

Chalkie say he got books from Carlton and also all the secret unknown tricks & gypps to make hisself some fortunes and be a Rentor-boss & what-not. The drongo also say he working on his first "deal" & might even let me read-up the books some time if I give him some monnies.

Hee Hee! Chalkie is a royal piss-arse & got almost as much on the lark as Shithouse Sherman! How the droob gonna be a rich lord in Real Estates is beyonde me thoughts & brains.

Chalkie couldn't sell-off water to a blind man. He can't even write his name much-any, let-alone be a rich lord. Chalkie always bring-about bad fortunes where-ever he go.
He wanna them drongos who'll pull his porke with each hand & still can't cum.

Lemme give you mates some advice & dont buy-up them books & lessons from the telly. On me honour, any bloke sellin' "special tricks & gypps" is only trying to get youre monnies like them stripper-lovvys in them "Champaigne Rooms".

Hee Hee. Anyhou, if any ov you good mates wanna buy-up yer Real Estates from Chalkie -- send me 100 dollars ov yer money & I"ll have Chalkie ring you on the telephone
to sell you the Suspension Bridge.

### Salty

[PsyberZombie]

Hee Hee! Chalkie is a royal piss-arse & got almost as much on the lark as Shithouse Sherman! How the droob gonna be a rich lord in Real Estates is beyonde me thoughts & brains.

Allow me to save the readers of Salty's Advice the hunnred bucks and
distill all the wisdom Chalkie paid for into one paragraph

How to be a Real Estates Lord

1.) Find a 'motivated seller' who is willing to sell their property to you for waaaay below the true market value.
This step is the key to success , but sellers like these are as rare as a Brisbane banshee

2.) Now YOU quickly re·sell the dump for what it's really worth . This is called 'flipping' a property .
It has to be quick too or taxes and mortage interest will eat up your profits

3.) Use half your profits to make a down payment on your next property . Spend the rest on Hookers & Beer

[Ausse Salt]

G'day Zomber,

Youre surely right about all them real estates tricks & what-not. Only thing you miss is sayin' that them Brisbane banshees are rare. Not so, mate. I see some 'round some time. An since ya gave-away all that good advice, drongo, none ov the mates gonna send me any monnies to buy the Suspension Bridge much-any. Hee Hee.

### Salty

[Ausse Salt]

Hey Mates,

Today Chalkie tell me he can sell-off them books & lesson papers back to Carlton Sheets 'cause it was wanna them "money back offours" & if you aint gettin' to be a rich lord much-any in a monthe or so you can get back youre monnies. So Chalkie will send the parcel back for refunds.
Maybe the bludger will learn his lessons this time, but dont ever wager the flat money on a droob like Chalkie.

An I'm surely thinking that Psyber Zomber had better watch over his back-shoulder in case that shithouse rat Carlton Sheets come over Rode Island-way lookin' to punch yer eye. Or sell you some piss-poor real estates.
Hee Hee.

### Salty

[Ausse Salt]

G'day Mates,

Wanna the other issues around the townes today is them Chineese massage joints. Sometime I drive up over Pittsburgh-way & I see there almost a good dozen or so ov them places around. The Cobbers closed-up the joint we had over Elm Grove awhile ago. So aint any chineese crooksacks 'round Wheeling.

Me mate 3 Eyes says they got all kind ov massage joints over accrost the country-side by Seattle. Chineese, Taiwaneese, Canadianeese & even them "wellness" crookshacks where the american blonde lovvy dont even take off her dress and wont even pull on youre pork at the end. She just stare at yer stiff-on like it aint there much-any. And she take all yer monnies.

I went over one ov them "wellness" crookshacks over Atlantic City one time & when the nurse-maid was done with her massaging she told me I coulde pull on me own boner meself! I said I got a crimpe there and ask the lovvy to help and she say "Sorry, mate. Give yer own self a tug. I'm a nurse."

Cor! She was surely too right 'bout that. Nursed all me money out`o' me. Hope you blokes only go to reputable places ov ill reputes for fair dinkum action.

### Salty

[Ausse Salt]

G'day Mates,

The voting times are here now & I surely hope all the voting people will only vote-on new people who dont put monnies into their pockets all the time.
We need good towne squires & senatorial blokes who'll not get onto the lovvys & good mates punting around BUT will get onto all the Terrorist coldpricks.

It surely too-right funny watching the telly & seeing all the bleedin' adver tizements about how the squires are stealing monnies & votin' for poofter-blokes to get married & taking lunch-monnies from the young-joeys and taking too many holidays and what-not! Hee Hee.

Onley in Americas woulde that happen.
Surely hope we get some new Squires 'round here. And in youre townes also.

### This is SALTY an I approuve ov this message.

[Ausse Salt]

G'day Votin' People,

If it aint too late already you can surely vote for Salty for youre Towne Squire. Just get a ink pen & write me name over the ballotts. Maybe I'll get some votes from the mates! If I get chosen-on I'll get a new car or truck to drive 'round in while I'm a squire & free monnies for me whole life!

I'm mostly a fair-dinkum bloke & a good shit (that alone make me a prime canadate) & you coulde even trust me with youre sister or yer wife -- and really trust me if theyre fat & old. I'll get good laws & rules and open more chineese AMPs for me good mates. (Salty-towne squire aprouves ov this MASSAGE - hee hee.)

An even help the doctors with the stem-cloaning so they cloan porno-girls & lovvy-bunnys so we can bugger them all acrost the country-side. Thats the american way. So if I get voted-on I will move to youre towne today.

#### I'm Salty an I aprouve me message.

[Third Eye]

I wrote in Prof Ausse Salt (Monger party) for Speaker of the Parliament of Hoes and Burgermeister of Seattle. He'll do a better job than the fat bastard who runs the show now, spending all our tax monies, trying to run the strippers out of town, and being a general kissass for the feminazis and the influential bathhouse lobby.

Vote the straight Monger ticket.

3rdI

[Ausse Salt]

G'day Mates,

Well, it surely seem that elections are over & none ov the Towne Leaders rang-up me telephone to put me on the Squires anywhere. None o' them Republics or Demmocratic blokes want yer old Salt to make new rules & laws.

Three Eyes tried to get me on the ballotts over his way.
I reckon the american people will hafta be in content with all them bludgers they voted-on. Here in WV that Senatoral bloke Byrd got voted-on once again. And woulde ya know the old doaby is somewhat like 90 years olde!
That shows me the votin' people 'round here dont take the elections for serious when they vote-on a altzheimur bloke like that!
Ye Christ, next that bludger Chalkie will be a mayour some place.

#### Salty

[Third Eye]

I don't agree with the Old Byrd about much of anything but he sure is fun to watch on CSPAN. (How exciting my life is... I should really get out more often.) Don't misunderestimate him, Sen Byrd is one smart dude even in his dotage and has probably forgotten more than I know or will ever learn.

Seattle voted down the "4 foot rule" 63% to 37%... Imagine having a lap dance with the dancer more than a yard away from your willie. Talk about an air dance... Still no liquor in the clubs. So all considered you still have it better right here in HLG... at least you can get the same mileage AND a real drink at Jillys not just pop.

3rdI

[Ausse Salt]

G'day Mates,

As a wizenhium intellectuial, I sometime have mates & lovvys send to me letters & notes. They all want the fair-dinkum advice on the "parlementrey proceedures" about how to ask fer tips & secrets 'round the forums.

It surely seem such that the heavy patchell are mostly yer so-called "New-bees" and young joeys in the woods who ask the most questions.

### Salty's Rules fer New-bees #### by salty
30-11-2006

1. Dont be a New-bee & ask fer exact areas fer where the lovvys are working. Read-up all the previous posts fer the last monthe or so. That surely give you the good street-areas & the names and looks ov some lovvys.
I surely almost chunder me soup when I see a new bloke post-on "Hello, I'm new here. Where all the good lovvys hideing?"

2. Dont ask for lovvy ring-up numbers ov the telephones if yer a New-bee and dont have any posts. Blokes might think yer a uncovered cobber fer crikey sake!

3. Dont come 'round tryin to barney (fight) with all the good mates. Try to use only youre best Sunday manners and courtly customs 'round here.

### Salty

an some other ov you good mates like P. Zomber might have other rules also.

[PsyberZombie]

an some other ov you good mates like P. Zomber might have other rules also.

How I answer newbies depends on the question and where & what they ask , Salty

Fer ex , newbies deserve some help in Las Vegas because it's a unique mongering evironment with its
own rules and a unique set of players called Week·end Warriors =

http://www.usasexguide.info/forum/showpost.php?p=483224&postcount=48


Someone who comes to the Providence Board and asks where Olneyville obviously isn't a cop and just
as obviously doesn't know how to use the search function , so I'll just re·post the old info =

http://www.usasexguide.info/forum/showpost.php?p=331337&postcount=1551


And here are some tip·offs that a newbie is 'suspicious' =

http://www.usasexguide.info/forum/showpost.php?p=372443&postcount=277

[Ausse Salt]

G'day Mates,

This dont have much-anything to do with lovvys or punting 'round but I been reading 'bout all the monnies the base ball teams pay to all the players. Sometime its over a good MILLION dollars! I knowed about this fer years & some blokes get 10 million, & I thought that was fer as long as a bloke play on the team. Now I see that is only fer ONE SEASON all that money.

So I seen that the base ball Pirates over Pittsburgh-way have "try-outs" fer new blokes (called "Rookees") to get put-on the team. They do this in the early springtime over there. So me good mate Benny MacGurk is gonna train me to play good base ball and try to get me put-on the team & he will be me Agent.

And since the Pirates dont win much-any, I might be able to make it as a Rookee. If I do get chosen-on I will only play fer a season or two & retire with my monnies.

I'll surely let you mates know ov me progress!

### Salty

[Ausse Salt]

G'day Mates,

Havin' meself bad fortunes as I start-off me base-ball career. Went with Benny MacGurk over to a Base-Ball University over Pittsburgh-way. They have electric machines there that pitch-out the balls very fast an I'm havin' troubles hitting the balls far.

Benny say we're gonna get "proffessional help" from a pitcher from the Presidential university over Washington called George Washington & Jefferson school.
Then I'll hit the ball good & get put-on the Pirates and make alotta monnies. Too right!

#### Salty

[Ausse Salt]

G'day Fans & Hooligans,

At some time or other every bloke thats ever been out on the pitch has gotten himself to the end ov his careers.

I aint had much lucks or good fortunes hitting the base-balls when there really fast. The drongo from University name o' Matt come over the base-ball fields with me & Benny MacGurk. He was pitchen' the ball really fast & "curving" them also an then laughing when I couldn't hit the balls much-any.

Then the bludger say he gonna "grouve one" & the drongo hit me in the leg really hard and he say I need to get use to that "in the big leagues". Then later-on he was laughing & hit me on me back-shoulder and say "sorry, mate, I give ya 'chin musics' next time".

So the coldprick piss me off me knob so I run over swinging the bat at him & say "Lemme bash yer head one time, drongo." An I proceed then to chase him accrost the fields!

Anyhou, Benny calm me down some, and say I should forget bout' the Pirates & he will try to get me a rookee try-out with the Wild Things team or the team over by the Slippery Rocks. But they don't pay blokes millions like the Pirates.

Psyber Zomber say some o' the teams may give me the rookee try-outs even if I cant hit the fast balls much-any. Maybe he should be me new Agent.

#### Salty

[Almighty]

If you can pitch the ball left handed, with any kind of consistency, you can make your millions.

You don't even have to be real good.

Just left handed, and throw it across the plate.

[Ausse Salt]

G'day Almighty,

Ye Christ! I 'ave a piss-poor time tryin' to pull me own pork with using me left hand, let-alone be pitchin-out the base-ball that way.

All you blokes been telling me that I surely dont need to be good much-any fer base-ball, but none ov the teams or agents ever been ringing up me telephone with offours or contract-papers for me to get put on the team. I heard from Benny that the players from Wild Things team (the rookee leagues) only are paid low monnies, some time only six or ten thousand fer the season.

I surely make more than those monnies driving 'round the lorry trucks on me job, so I tolde Benny that I am no longer a contender fer a career ov rookee base-ball.

Haveta make me fortunes some other lot. And that bludger Chalkie even went over Wall-Marts & got me "Aqua Velvet" purfumes fer me commercials on the telly with all the base-ball lovvys.

### Salty (no longer with the pirates base-ball)

[Ausse Salt]

G'day Mates of me good advice,

Me old mate Harry got into more troubles again with his fat wife. His wife was pissin-bout out in the garridge & she surely found Harry's secret patchell of porn-o magazines & films.

She went onto him like a Sydney She-devil & even showed everything to her mum & sister who harry doesn't fancy at all. And to make matters worse they took them to a rubbish bin!

So Harry's fat wife & her sister was onto him fer a good week, bitching & prissing like a Blue-Nose 'bout the films having blond beautys swallowing loads & what-not.

And Harry tell me that yesterday he come home from work & his wife & in-lawed sister were drinking pinta-cloddas & daqueries AND STILL on him 'bout his bad ways.

And the best thing was the ugly sister sayin' SHE AINT NEVER swallowed any spulrk in her whole life.
OLD HARRY FIXED THAT. He made the next cup of pinta-cloddas fer them and when he was in the kitchen he tossed-off his load into the mixing-can! An served it up to them.

Harry say his only mistake was telling the tattle 'cause after the girls drank the smoothie, he told them what he done & they didnot believe him. But soon Harry's wife did believe 'cause he was laughing too much.

Harry's in-lawed sister threw her glass an broke-up the living room window! Hee Hee. The window cracked like a Sydney spider web. An the sister chase him all around the house with a broomstick.

The lesson today is a proud woman may hafta "swallow" her pride some time. Too right.

### Salty

[Ausse Salt]

EDITOR'S NOTE: This report was deleted because the subject was not related to the purpose of this Forum, which is as follows:

The purpose of this Forum is to provide for the exchange if information between men on the subject of finding women for sex.

[Ausse Salt]

Crikey sakes, dont rightly remember what was posted that got me mate Jackson on edge.
Reckon me advices fer mates here surely too popular & blokes must be cloggin-up the forums an what-not.

Anyhou, all you good mates surely watch yer back-shoulder with the cobbers doing the police-stinges & shithouse traps at this time of year. Dont get sent to the hoosegow on accounte of a trick or gypp.

### Salty

[Ausse Salt]

G'day Mates,

Aint had any advice to give reports with much-any lately.
Except me bludger-mate Harry got throwed-over by his fat wife & she toss him out from home on his ear!

So the bounder come over late-on when I'm sleepin' & I surely try to go-on like I aint there much-any but he keep ringing me doorway & waking the neighbours so I let him in. An now he wanna sleep on me couch fer the next week only.

I wanna tell him to push-off but he thinkin' we are mates so I say 1 week only. He say I'll be Feelext & he will be Osker & I'm thinkin' he doing "Broked Backed Mountain" And I'm gonna punch his eye! And I'm gonna be moving over Pittsburgh-way soon so Harry will hafta to get his own flat or flopshack or get onto his fat wife fer love or something.

He gonna surely put a crimpe on me puntin' for lovvys.

### Salty

[Ausse Salt]

G'day Mates,

Finally got me bludger-mate Harry to go back home with his fat wife. Ye christ! Had enough troubles keepin' the drongo from pissin' on me dunny-seat & eating all me foods.

He say he missing all his wifes good BJs and what-not. Right-good thing she take him back. And the drongo ran-off with some o' me good porn-o films, but a fair-dinkum price to pay-out to send him homewards.
Too right.

That bludger Chalkie come over with a whole carton of DeCarlo sisters pizza. And of-corse the bludger dont bring any beers - so we drink all me tins - you blokes know Chalkie! He sayin he surely seein' some street-lovvys 'round the pitch. Maybe we gettin' back to olde times some.

### Salty

[Third Eye]

I have returned after a long hiatus ("walkabout" as Dr Salt would say) and decided to spooge out a post in "Dr Salty's Advice for Ye Scurvy Dogges." Part of my time away I was on business in China.

Gentlemen, if you're going abroad, do yourself a favor and RTFF (Read The Fricking Forum) at internationalsexguide.info, this forum's sister site. I got busy before my trip and thought, oh hell, I don't have time to read the forums, besides, getting some in China will be a piece of cake. Well it can be easy, but only if you know where to look ahead of time. So many scams... Got lured into a high-rise crookshack by what they call "touts," which are like pimps but lower, if you can imagine such a wretched lifeform. Losers who hang out on the street and pester you to visit shithouse bars, clubs, massage parlors, etc. Avoid them like the plague!

I have fair street smarts but beer and liquor are very cheap there, so I got shitfaced, and with the big head out of commission, the little head took over. And I guess curiosity overcame my judgement. My scam experience was almost exactly like this bloke's:

http://www.internationalsexguide.info/forum/showpost.php?p=532441&postcount=21

China was a fantastic place to visit, don't get me wrong. But it would have been a lot better if only I had read ISG or consulted Dr Salt before I went.

3rdI

[Ausse Salt]

G'day Three Eyes,

Surely glad to hear ya made it here from China in one piece with yer yobber still attached-on. Those chineese hatchet-men like to chase-after you Yanks with monnies & chop at yer weeners. Too right.

I surely usta see all those "tooter" blokes you mention when I was workin' over Atlanic city-way by New jersey.
Cabbees & shifty-lookers always pointing the droobs to crookshacks & bludger-joints.

#### Salty

[Ausse Salt]

Hee Hee. Was over pittsburgh-way the other day visitin' me good lady-frend Anne-marie. We were havin' pizza pies & her 2 young-joeys were sitting 'bout glued to the telly watching a bloke name o' Mister Rodger.

Don't know if you mates ever seen this bludger on the telly -- he talks to 'imself & pisses 'bout like a slow-bowler and plays make-believe games also. I surely aint ever watched him much-any, but Anne-marie say her young-joeys love that show.

Ye Christ! I almost had meself a heart seisure 'cause the bleedin' Mister Rodger was talking to the kids like they all in the room with him & inviteing them to his neighbourhood to his flat to play make-believe games with
and what-not!

On me honour, I almost got the number of the telephone for the police-cobbers so they coulde get that Rodger bloke under arrested fer crikey-sakes!

But Anne-marie tolde me that it was a old rerun show from
years ago & that Mr. Rodger bloke is dead already. And that the reason he talk that way to the young-joeys is to keep them company if they dont got any good mates or brothers and what-not.

Maybe so but if I was a young-joey I aint going to Rodgers neighbourhood fer games much-any.

### Salty

[Eddy Fine]

Aussie, Mister Rogers is a significant part of all our childhoods here in the "Yewnited States of Uhmer'ca". Along with Trolley and King Friday and Mr. McFeeley we grow up and appreciate you for you Salty because - you're special, and we know you'll be - our neighbor.
Now please, back to mongering.

[Ron Red Dog]

Aussie, Mister Rogers is a significant part of all our childhoods here in the "Yewnited States of Uhmer'ca". Along with Trolley and King Friday and Mr. McFeeley we grow up and appreciate you for you Salty because - you're special, and we know you'll be - our neighbor.

Now please, back to mongering.It’s a beautiful day in my neighborhood!” Mr. Rogers was sure to make every little child’s day beautiful. Everyday he would enter his TV house, take off his jacket, slip on his slippers, and put on a sweater. After that he would welcome his visitors with a soft, soothing voice. Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood is where he would host his show and “lived." But besides his TV neighborhood, he lived in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. He died there in 2003

Found a short chubby blond on 14th I think, when to the hills for bbj a jack+abe tip would not repeat. She wanted to take a hit with a metal pipe.

[Ausse Salt]

Ye Christ! All me work mates surely gettin' on top o' me fer bein' a bludger about Mister Rodger! They say the drongo was a good mate & every one usta watch him on the telly when theyre young-joeys.

Maybe Mr. Rodger the reason you blokes punt around the pitch fer lovvys. Hee. Hee. Eddie Fine is a good mate but I cant understand his spellings some times!
Eddie, dont post-up any naked pitchers of Rodger 'cause he got adam's apples & pears also. Hee Hee.

The lesson is to be nice to people in youre neighbourhoods & play make-believe with puppetts & yer own yobber also.

### Salty

[Third Eye]

Dr Salt,

It's true, all us Yankee nippers grew up watching Mr Rogers. It's not that good Mr Rogers meant anything untoward, but with characters like Henrietta Pussy and Mr McFeelme, is it any wonder we turned out such twisted little pervs?

Funny, I used to think Mr Rogers neighborhood was somewhere in Pittsburgh and all I had to do was find that damn trolley...

Meow meow pet the kitty meow,
3rdI

[Ausse Salt]

Ye christ! Three Eyes also pulling on his yobber & watchin' Mr. Rodger. Hee Hee! All you blokes shoulda been out on the pitch playin' football when you'all were young-joeys & not watching the telly all the times.

But here in america every odd-bloke is a rich lord or a squire. Alotta millionares & alotta poor droobs on the public dole-out relief. Poor blokes dont got any monnies to punt around fer lovvys.

Went to steeler football & seen the lads wearin' the kits from olde times. Alotta drunkerds & hooligans there in the lots. Had chook wings & killbossie sausage with Mick's mates before the match. Seen a lovvy lift up her jersey and had golden-painted nerkers! Hee Hee. The steelers won the match & will be in the finals I reckon.
Too right!

### Salty

[Third Eye]

Ye christ! Three Eyes also pulling on his yobber & watchin' Mr. Rodger. Hee Hee! All you blokes shoulda been out on the pitch playin' football when you'all were young-joeys & not watching the telly all the times.
While I can neither confim nor deny these scurrilous rumours of yobber abuse, Mr Rogers did have a very comely female assistant in Make-Believe Land, and that's all I shall say on the matter.

Back to punting, how's the situation back in Nail City? Any recent visits to Jilly's? I heard some time ago that a pornstar named Gauge did a guest appearance up there. Would be worth a cross country flight to see some of that action, right squire?

3rdI

[Informate]

Well I hate to see it But Jackie is Back in the Jail. My wife and I was watching news yesterday and they flashed her face on the TV I almost let it slip that I had boned her at least a million times. My mind was going back to the times I tore up her poop hole. MMMMMMMMMM those were the days.

Speaking of Poop hole I did have the privilage to see Gauge on stage at Jills last year. She actually was giving Private dances downstairs that night But she wanted alot of money for them. NO EXTRAS WITH HER THOUGH,... Believe me I tried for the extras.


INFORMATE

[Almighty]

A porn star that won't fuck?

What is this world coming to?

[Ausse Salt]

Hee Hee. First off to Three Eyes, Only seen one lovvy on the mister rodger show. Surely hope ya aint whippen yer yobber when Rodger chattin' with the parcell-post man or playin' make-believe games with the ugly puppett with the red nose that look like Chalkie. Hee Hee.

An come to mention that bludger Chalkie, he tolde me today that he was out last nite & thought the cobbers had a stinge-trap on down from the 7 & 11 crookshack that never have ice teas much-any.

Chalkie say he seen one "dressed-up" lovvy working the corner with 2 manager droobs standing close-by. Chalkie say he keep close-watch fer over a good hour & the lovvy stood there the whole time with NOT ONE car stopping fer her! He also say NO OTHER lovvys out anywhere he seen.

Too bad about Jackie going back to the hoosgow. She surely good at blowing bones. She swallow more weeners then that Oscer Mayer bloke. Too right.

### Salty

[Ausse Salt]

G'day Mates & Fallowers of me advice,

Aint had much-anything to report theese days since most of the citys & townes having "slow times" fer lovvys.
Also aint been gettin' any parcells or messages from mates for advice.

Since I surely know it's bad times fer punting 'round the pitch, surely seem like a crackerjack time to visit youre townes local AMP joint & have-a-go with a Chineese lovvy.

I was tellin' some mates about me first-ever visit to a house o' ill reputes when I was only a young-joey.
-- When only 7 or 8 years-olde I once wandered over a olde style house o' prostitutions over by Broken Hill.

The old chubby House-mum open the door an say "G'day young-man, what do you want here?"
An I say "I come-over to get what all the jackeroos & silver-miners been coming for."

Hee Hee. I surely had meself no clue WHAT the blokes went there for. Maybe to play with toys or something.

So the fat house-mum say "How much moneys does a young bloke like you have to spend?"
And I reach in me pocket & hand her a twenny-cent piece.

Hee Hee. The olde house-mum took me coin & reached under her robe & rubbed the coin on her fat smelly snitch!

Then she put the coin under me nose and said "Does that smell good?"

An I yell "PEHEWW! Good thing I only brung one coin -- I couldn't handle a whole dollars worth!" Hee Hee.

The lesson is to visit the local chineese AMP to celebrate Boxing Day. Too right!

#### Salty

[Ausse Salt]

G'day Mates,

Since theres not much good action 'round the sceenes theese days on accounte o' the pisspoor economys, wise mates like you will surely read-up all the advice in the other forums.

Me mate Jackson has himself a good crackerjack list of all the rules a randy bloke should use when punting 'round the pitch for street-lovvys.
Jackson has all the fair-dinkum tips & guide-lines to help ya. "The 22 Rules & Laws for Finding Streetwalkers" is located on the home page.

And there is also a good guide in the Massage forum called "AMP Guide-lines" with advice by US Traveler & Psyber Zomber and other good mates who know of the AMP joints.

So read-up youre lessons to increase the chance of Success. Too right!

#### Salty

[Ausse Salt]

G'day to all me fellow punters & 'obbyists,

Some o' the good mates been tellin' that prostitutions are now LEGAL at the chineese AMP houses on Rode Island.

Now we need to make it legal on Wheeling Island.

But Rode Island is surely a bigger place with a whole patchell o' AMP joints fer bludger-mates like Psyber Zomber to have a go.

Maybe when that O"Bamma bloke gets put-on for presidents he will get good laws & legalize the chineese AMPs & get Tax Monnies there to help get good economys again.

## This is Salty & I approove of me message.