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Admin
12-31-05, 23:00
Thread Starter.

Old Fart
01-13-06, 19:15
The victim of an awful automobile accident was pronounced dead on arrival at the hospital,
And the emergency nurse was ordered to prepare the body for the undertaker.
Removing his clothes, she discovered that the young man had died with the most massive
ERECTION she had ever seen. Unable to take her eyes off it, she finally yielded to temptation,
Took off her panties, straddled the stiff and proceeded to enjoy herself.
She was just getting down from the table when a second nurse came in and saw her
And promptly reprimanded her for her obscene behavior.
"What's the harm?" shot back the first nurse. "I enjoyed it, and HE surely didn't mind it.
Besides, he can't complain and I can't get pregnant. Why don't YOU give it a try too?"
"Oh, I can't possibly," said the second nurse, blushing. "First, he's dead and second,
I've got my period. Anyway, listen, the doctor wants you." And so the first nurse left.
The second nurse got to work, but soon found herself terribly excited by this massive
Hard-on and finally climbed on top of it. Just as she was starting to cum, she was astonished to feel the man climax too!
Looking down and seeing his eyelids starting to flutter, she exclaimed in shock, "I thought you were dead!"
"Lady, I thought I was too," said the man, "until you gave me that blood transfusion."
_______________

Chandro the Lead Elf says, "Man, I've been waiting for this for six months.
I'm getting my ass down to Miami. I'm gonna do nothin, but suck down margaritas, bang as many babes
As I can, and soak up the sun til I get this damn cold out of my bones.."
So he gets to Miami, checks into his hotel and then heads straight for the bar.
He spots a gorgeous, tall, well built blonde sitting alone sipping a drink.
So he goes over, climbs on the stool next to her and orders a margarita. Downs it,
Orders another one, downs that too. He smiles at the blonde and says,
"Hi sweetie, I'm Chandro, Santa's lead elf. What would you say to a little fuck"
She looks down and says. "Hello you little fuck".

Frank Booth
01-18-06, 12:40
Gentlemen:

I am writing to you to warn you of something that
happened to me as I am a victim of the latest scam
at a mall while shopping. This happened at the
Broward Mall and it could happen to you. Here's how
the scam works :
.
Two good looking 18 year old women come to your car as
you are leaving the mall while you are placing your
packages on the floor of the front seat.
One starts wiping your windshield with a rag and
Windex while the other comes to your window saying
"Hi" while bending over with her breasts almost coming
out of her blouse. It will be impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say
"No" and beg you for a ride to the Sawgrass Mills
Mall. You agree and tell them to sit in the back seat.
On the way, they start having sex with each other in
the back seat. Then one of them climbs over into the
front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the
other one steals your wallet.

I was assaulted last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and
Friday, but I couldn't find them Saturday or Sunday.

Be careful.

Old Fart
01-21-06, 16:48
A guy gets home late one night and his wife says, "Where the hell have you been?"
Him: "I was out getting a tattoo."
Her: "A tattoo?" "What kind of tattoo did you get? "
Him: "I got a hundred dollar bill on my penis."
Her: "What the hell were you thinking? Why did you get a hundred dollar bill on your penis?"
Him: "Well, number one, I like to watch my money grow . . .
Number two, once in a while, I like to play with my money . . .
Third, I like how money feels in my hand . . .
And lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!"

Old Fart
01-22-06, 14:36
On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.
Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto
to the pasture, she saw that the family’s only cow was lying dead in the field.
The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she
possibly continue to feed her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself.
When the husband awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began
to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.
Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow),
and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.
When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank.
She said, “I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have
sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you.”
The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to
satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.
Next the second oldest son woke up.
After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.
The mermaid said to him, “If you will have sex with me ten times in a row,
I will make everything right.”
And while the son tried his best (seven times), it was not enough to satisfy
the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.
The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his
brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.
And there he also met the mermaid.
“I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row.”
The young son replied, “Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?”
The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request.
Then he said, “Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?”
And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said,
“Why not THIRTY times in a row?”
Finally, she said, “Enough Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row,
then I will bring everybody back to perfect health.”
Then the young son asked, "Wait, how do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"

AugustaSexFiend
01-24-06, 19:55
A man gets a notice from the IRS that he has to pay a $10,000 tax bill by Thursday, and only having $5,000 he decides to pray.
GOD says 'Go to Vegas!'
The man goes to Vegas, walks in the Sahara and sits down at the BJ table.
GOD says 'Bet it ALL!!!'
The guy bets all $5000, and gets a 3 and a 2.
GOD says 'Take a hit.'
Guy gets a 5, now he's got 10.
GOD says 'take another hit.'
Guy gets a 4, now he's at 14.
GOD says 'Take a hit.'
Guy gets a 3, now at 17.
GOD says menacingly 'TAKE A HIT!!!'
Guy is nervous but takes the hit...a 3! Now he has 20.
GOD screams from the heaVens trembling the earth, 'TAKE A HIT!!!!!!!'
The guy takes the hit and draws an ACE!
GOD: 'UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE!!!!'

Zero
01-27-06, 04:28
One day, two ladies decide to go to the zoo. As they walk by the monkey house, a gorilla reaches out and grabs one of the ladies.

He pulls her into the cage and starts to hump her. The second lady rushes off and summons help to rescue her friend.

A few days later, the second lady visits her friend in the hospital. When she sees her in her hospital bed, she asks, "How are you feeling? Are you hurt?"

Her friend replies, "Of course I'm hurt, two days have passed and he hasn't called or anything."

Zero
01-27-06, 04:29
A traveler knocked on the door of the house where a cabdriver had told him he could be sexually accommodated. An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted.

"I want to get screwed," said the man.

"Okay, mister, but this is a private club, so slip 20 bucks as an initiation fee through the mail slot," answered the voice.

The man slid his $20 bucks in, the panel was closed.

Minutes passed and nothing happened.

He began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slid open again.

"Hey," exclaimed the sport, "I want to get screwed!"

"What?" said the voice, "Again?"

Vargr
01-27-06, 23:56
A Jewish friend of mine told me this, so don't think I'm anti-Semitic:

Q: Why do married Jewish men die young?

A: They want to.

PsyberZombie
01-28-06, 08:38
We need more Immigrants like *this* =

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/11046018/

[ Don't forget to launch the Video !! ]

Vargr
01-28-06, 18:58
A study was done in the US to determine why the head of a man's member is bigger than the rest of it. After 1 year and 1.5 million dollars they concluded that it was to give the man more pleasure.

A similar study was done in France. After 3 years and 5 million dollars, they concluded that it was to give the woman more pleasure.

Canada, not to be outdone, also studied the same subject. After 2 weeks and 8 cases of beer they determined that it was to keep the man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead.

[ :) The author has clearly never read the postings on the forum.]

Oldtimer
01-28-06, 19:23
A picture is worth a thousand words...

Frank Booth
02-07-06, 13:06
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her... "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all his beer.

LoveLOS
02-11-06, 18:24
Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The
first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my
wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The second old guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my
wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The first old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your
wife look like?

The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue
eyes, long legs, big busted, and is wearing short shorts. What does your
wife look like?"

The first old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

LoveLOS
02-11-06, 18:28
I am writing to you to warn you of something that happened to me as I am
a victim of the latest scam at a mall while shopping. This happened
at Middletown Mall and it could happen to you. Here's how the scam
works:

Two good looking 18 year old women come to your car as you are leaving
the mall while your are placing your packages on the floor of the front
seat. One starts wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex while the
other comes to your window saying "Hi" while bending over with her
breasts almost coming out of her blouse. It will be impossible not to
look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and beg you
for a ride to Fairhaven Mall. You agree and tell them to sit in the
back seat.

On the way, one of them climbs over into the front seat
and has her way with you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I was assaulted last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, but I
couldn't find them Saturday or Sunday.

Be careful out there!!!!!!

LoveLOS
02-11-06, 18:31
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-k ay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

7. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

Frank Booth
02-13-06, 12:57
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced
up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized
she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took
the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted
out, "Business trip or pleasure?" She turned, smiled, and said, "Business.
I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago."

He swallowed hard. Here with the most goegeous woman he hd ever seen,
sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business
role at this convention?" She responded, "Lecturer. I use information I
have learned from my personal experiences, to debunk some of the popular
myths about sexuality." "Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are
there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is African-American men are the
most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian
who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that
Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent
who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the
best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry,"
she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't
even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

PsyberZombie
02-17-06, 14:11
Web Sites that Sound Dirty (But Aren't) =


http://*******.com/dbn97

LoveLOS
02-17-06, 14:22
This married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks
over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.

The husband asks "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now.
Do you know him?"

"Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that
since I left him seven years ago."

"That's remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn't think anybody could
celebrate that long."

Frank Booth
02-17-06, 23:45
A duck walks into a pharmacy and buys a box of condoms. The clerk asks if he would like to put the condoms on his bill. The duck says "I'm not that kind of duck."

LoveLOS
02-20-06, 22:15
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bedside. "Grandson, I wanna you lissina to me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambinos."

"Somma day you gonna coma home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? ...pointa to your watch and say, 'Times Up'?"

PsyberZombie
02-22-06, 17:27
This sad·looking guy goes in·to a Bar , and starts 'drowning his sorrows'

After his fifth drink , he says to the Bar·Tender =

" Man , I had it ALL !! A huge house.... The finest Cars... a million dollar Stock Port·folio...
... and the Love of a Beautiful Woman

..... Then , *BAM!* —— just like *that!* —— it was ALL Gone !!!! "


The Bar·Tender says =

" That's Awful !! What the fork happened ??!!??!! "


The guy says =

" My Wife found out about the Beautiful Woman "


p.s. For another Joke , go to the Boston » General Reports Board =

http://www.usasexguide.info/forum/showpost.php?p=419372&postcount=112

Frank Booth
02-22-06, 17:33
A guy walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm, waking his wife.

He says "this is the pig I fuck when you're not in the mood."

His wife says "that's not a pig, it's a sheep."

He says, "I was talking to the sheep."

PsyberZombie
02-24-06, 08:46
This guy goes in·to a Toy Store and tells the sales·woman that he wants to buy a Barbie™ doll for his daughter's birthday

The gal shows him one of the more expensive ones , and the guy says =

" Does she come with Ken ?? "

The woman says =

" No.... she comes with G.I. Joe.... she fakes it with Ken "


*********************************************************************

This guy goes in·to a Toy Store and tells the sales·woman that he wants to buy a Barbie™ doll for his daughter's birthday

She starts showing him all the different 'Editions' =

" Here's Malibu Barbie , $ 39.95 .... and Flight Attendant Barbie , $ 39.95 ..... and Brain Surgeon Barbie , $ 39.95 ..... and Divorced Barbie , $ 179.95 "

The guys asks why the 'Divorced Barbie' is so much more than the others

She says =

" Because Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car , Ken's house , Ken's Pension Plan .... "

Muffbuster69
03-15-06, 18:31
Bad Humor
At The Car Dealership



A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse. Suddenly she spotted the most beautiful car that she had ever seen and walked over to inspect it. As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escaped.


Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed and hoped a salesperson hadn't been near. But, as she turned back, there, standing next to her, was a salesman.


With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"


Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiled back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"


Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that, if you farted simply from touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the price

Stormrider
03-15-06, 19:04
A newlywed couple decided that they would furnish their new home with antiques and decided to visit the local flea market. In one of the stalls, they found a beautiful and ornate mirror that the wife decided would be perfect for the back of the bedroom door. They found the stall owner and asked him about the mirror. He replied, "That one is 500 bucks."

The couple looked at each other in shock and the husband asked, "500 dollars? That's outrageous! Why so much?"

The stall owner replied, "Well, believe it or not, that is a magic mirror. You simply have to phrase your request in a poem, and just like in the fairy tales, your wish will come true. I wouldn't even sell it, but I'm not much for rhyming, and I really haven't the talent to use it much. Just a word of advice, though...be careful how you ask for things, cause it can be pretty literal at times. Oh, and if you find it doesn't work, I'll gladly give you a refund."

The couple looked at one another and decided that they had nothing to loose. That night, after mounting the mirror on the door, the wife stepped in front of the mirror and gave it a try. "Mirror, mirror on the bedroom door, make my boobs a perfect 44!" POOF! The next thing she knew, she was sporting a pair of porn star quality tits! She ran excitedly to her husband and said, "Look at these! It really works!"

The husband then decided to try his hand. He went to the mirror and said, "Mirror, mirror, on the bedroom door, make my dick touch the floor!" POOF! His legs disappeared.

Baltimonger
03-17-06, 16:32
Did you know Adam and Eve were Irish?
When they were standing naked in the garden of Eden; Adam pointed down at Eve and said "Oh, hair" Eve pointed down at Adam and said "Oh, Tool."

Sometime later tonight, while watching Conan O' Brien, you'll get that one.


An old one:
What do you call an Irish 7 course meal?
A six pack and a baked potato.

What do you call a drunk Irishman?
Redundant.

Sounds like there is a population explosion in the capital of Ireland. Someone told me the other day it was doublin'

Muffbuster69
03-20-06, 07:55
Bad Humor
Cowboy Honeymoon



A cowgirl married a cowboy. He was a man of the world, while she was an innocent with no experience.


On their first night together, they got into bed and started exploring each other's bodies. Things went fine until she asked, "Oh! What's that?"


He replied, "Well, darlin', that's ma rope."


She slid her hands a little farther down and gasped, "Oh, my! What's that?"


"Why, darlin', them's my knots."


Finally, they started making love, but after a few minutes, she cried, "Stop."


Her panting husband asked proudly, "What's the matter, darlin'? Am I hurtin' ya?"


"No," she replied, "I jes' want cha to untie them knots. I need more rope!"

Gorilla69
03-24-06, 12:10
Sperm Is Good For You



Hormones in Semen Shown to Make Women Feel Good

On June 26th the news agency Reuters reported that Hormones in semen may help to ease female depression because women whose partners don't use condoms are less likely to feel down.

Scientists at the State University of New York suspect the mood-altering hormones are absorbed through the vagina and make women feel good but they stressed that their results are not an excuse for unprotected sex.

"I want to make it clear that we are not advocating that people abstain from using condoms," Gordon Gallup, who led the study, told New Scientist magazine on Wednesday.

"Clearly an unwanted pregnancy or a sexually transmitted disease would more than offset any advantageous psychological effects of semen," he added. The researchers assessed the moods of 300 female students using a standard questionnaire. A score of more than 17 was considered moderately depressed. Women whose partners never used condoms scored about eight on the test while those who never had sex without condoms scored 11.3.

Women who weren't having sex at all scored about 13.5. Depression in the students who sometimes or never used condoms was more severe the longer they went without sex. The scientists said they looked at other factors, such as the use of oral contraceptives, frequency of sex and personality type, but found that none could account for the findings.

The magazine said the results are not a complete surprise because scientists know that semen contains several mood-altering hormones including testosterone. "Some of these have been detected in a woman's blood within hours of exposure to semen," the magazine said. The scientists suspect semen will have the same effect on women regardless of how they are exposed to it.

PsyberZombie
03-29-06, 09:13
This guy comes home staggering drunk in the wee hours , and is met at the door by his wife — hair up in curlers and a rolling pin in hand

She immediately starts bitching at him , natch =

" Where the fork have you been ??!!?? You smell like perfume !! And lemme tellya = you better have a darned good explanation for why there's lip·stick on your shirt collar !!!! "

He sez =

" Well .... I DO have a good explanation for the lip·stick , dear ..... you see .... I used my shirt .....
..... to wipe off my dick "

Mechanic69
03-30-06, 14:09
Nightstand Picture

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry. "Is this your husband? " he nervously asks. "No, silly, " she replies, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend, then? " he continues. "No, not at all, " she says, nibbling away at his ear. "Is it your dad or your brother? " he inquires, hoping to be reassure. "No, no, no! " she answers. "Well, who in the hell is he, then? " he demands. "That's me before the surgery. "

Mechanic69
03-31-06, 04:05
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells good.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells good?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget!"

Mechanic69
03-31-06, 04:13
The Biker at the Bank

A crusty old biker walks into a bank and says to the woman at the teller window "I want to open a damn checking account.

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank "

The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that sort of language. They both return to the window and the manager asks the old biker, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 50 million dollars in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!"

"I see, " says the manager, "and is this ***** giving you a hard time?"

Mechanic69
03-31-06, 04:17
Taming the Lion

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking older man in his mid-sixties and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties. The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them, licks and kisses her privates for several minutes and rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the older man and asks, "Can you top that?"

The older man replies, "No problem, just get that damned lion out of there!!!"

Mechanic69
03-31-06, 04:34
SENIOR MOMENT

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

PsyberZombie
03-31-06, 16:20
That one reminds me of an Old Classic =


This little old lady goes into a Biker Bar . She walks up to the biggest , meanest looking guy standing at the bar ,
and taps him on the back [ she's too short to tap him on the shoulder ]

He spins around ; looks down ; and snarls = " What the F**k do YOU want ?? "

" Are you guys the Hells Angels ?? " she asks

He sez = " YEAH .... what's it to ya ?? "

She says = " Well , I wanna Join Up !! "


He breaks into a broad Grin , *winks* at his buddies , and says =

" SURE , Lady ... You can Join Up .... but , first , you gotta QUALIFY !!
.... You ever been in PRISON ?? "

" Uh ...... No "

" You ever KILLED Any·One ?? "

" Uh ...... No "

" You ever been in ANY kind of trouble with The Law ??? Ever been ... *hee!*hee!* .... pulled over by The Fuzz ?? "

She says =

" No .... but I've been whipped around by the tits a few times !! "

PsyberZombie
04-02-06, 09:38
Day·light Savings Time begins today , Gentle·men =

Did you remember to set your cocks ahead an hour ??

Baltimonger
04-02-06, 16:46
An old hillbilly is sitting on his porch when a young lad happens by, carrying a roll of wire fence. The old guy says: "Boy, where are you goin' with that there wire?" The young fella says: "This ain't no ordinary wire, this is chicken wire. I'm gonna catch me some chickens." The old one laughs and says: "Boy, you can't catch no chickens with chicken wire!" Later on, the Young fella comes back with a bunch of chickens entwined in the chicken wire, much to the shock of the old man.

A day later; the boy passes the same old man on the porch. This time he's carrying a roll of tape. The old man says:"Boy, where you goin' with that there tape?" The boy says:"This ain't no ordinary tape, this is duck tape. I'm gonna catch me some ducks." The old guy laughs again, and says: "You can't catch no ducks with duck tape!" Again, the boy returns with several ducks stuck to the tape, and the old guy still can't believe it.

On the 3rd day; the boy passes by the old man again. This time he's carrying a tree branch. Once again the old man asks: "Boy, where you goin' with that there tree branch?" The boy says: "This ain't no ordinary tree, this is pussy willow." The old guy says: "Wait a second boy, let me go get my hat."

K.J. Baltimonger

Bill Bradsky
04-12-06, 23:00
This is a real ad I copied from the CL:

Nude Folk guitar lessons - m4ww - 53

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply to: pers-xxxxxxxxx@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-04-06, 12:31PM CDT


"Learn to play guitar in the nude. Strum along to favorite folk songs. You'll see why a guitar is cut the way it is. Private lessons in your home or area you are comfortable. Reasonalble rates. I'm a professional performer and songwriter will make it easy for you."

I would like to know if this got him laid.

BB

LoveLOS
04-13-06, 09:33
A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top, daddy?" she asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.

"So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

"No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat. "Well, that might be OK in California and Wyoming, but we're not having any of that shit in Texas!"

Muffbuster69
04-21-06, 10:17
A man arrived home from work at his usual hour to find it had not been one of his wife's better days. Nothing he said or did was right.


Around seven o'clock, he suggested that he go outside, pretend to have just gotten home from work, and start their evening all over again.


His wife agreed.


He went outside, returned with a big smile, and announced, "Honey, I'm home!"


She scolded, "And exactly where have you been? It's after seven o'clock!"

Muffbuster69
04-23-06, 20:41
Things You Learn From Marriage



During the banquet celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.


"Tell us, Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"


Tom responds, "Well, I learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness, and many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single in the first place."

LoveLOS
05-02-06, 14:56
A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges.

You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it."

LoveLOS
05-02-06, 17:29
A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?" she asks.

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime she asked if he would like something. "A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No, still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm
starving."

Scoundrel
05-15-06, 12:58
great video of pimp getting decked!



http://video.search.yahoo.com/video/view?&h=98&w=145&type=msmedia&rurl=www.guzer.com%2Fvideos%2Fpimp_ko.php&vurl=http%3A%2F%2Fmedia2.guzer.com%2Fvideos%2Fpimp_ko.wmv&back=p%3Dpimp%26sm%3DYahoo%2521%2BSearch%26toggle%3D1%26ei%3DUTF-8%26fr%3DFP-tab-news-t%26b%3D41&turl=re2.mm-da.yimg.com%2Fimage%2F1603604351&name=%3Cb%3Epimp%3C%2Fb%3E_ko.wmv&no=49&tt=2361&p=pimp&oid=1841bad6d4cf4920&size=2.5MB&dur=68&src=p

Warpig2000
05-15-06, 14:14
As Stated By the Woman:

1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.

2. Extension to rule - So if you get one, be grateful.

3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.

4. Extension to rule -No, I DON'T have to swallow.

5. My ears are NOT handles.

6. Extension to rule - do not push on the top of my head.
Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?

7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.

8. Having my period does not mean that it's hummer week- get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.

9.Extension to - Blue Balls might have worked on high school girls- if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.

10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just wrecked it for you.

11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games, smoke a cigarette, watch tv...ect.... immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.

12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule about gratitude.

13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.

14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV, smoke a cigarette, drink, etc...

15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.

16. Just because it's awake when you get up does not mean I have to kiss it good morning.


"Rebuttal" By the Man:

1. First of all, yes, you are obligated to do it. If you don't, we'll find someone younger and prettier who will.

2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.

3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?

4. I will use your ears as I see fit. Be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.

5. When you're on your period, putting something in your mouth is the only way to stop your bitching and moaning.

6. Speaking of which, if you're bleeding for five straight days, you need all of the fluids you can get, trust me.

7. You b!tch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you we get the shit end of stick in the "flavor" category.

8. At least there's no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth. (Well, unless you bite it really hard.)

9. Play with the balls.

10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.

11. Caress the ass, too. We LIKE that.

12. Make hay when the sun shines, hon. It's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old and fat, and are looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep".


13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now do you?

:D :D :D :D

LoveLOS
05-18-06, 00:15
Dear Diary:

Day 1
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

Day 2
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, gimme a break. He's been dysfunctional for so long that he even walks with a limp.

Day 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears.

Day 4
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem.' It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. He said, 'this time, I'd rather not have your mother join us.' I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

Day 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. Get over yourself! Not everything is about you!

Day 8
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker.

Day 10
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with hard cider! The photo of Janet Reno isn't working. What am I gonna do?

Day 11
The side effects are starting to get to him. Everything is turning blue. The other day, we were watching Kenneth Branaugh in Hamlet and he thought it was The Smurfs Do Denmark.

Day 12
I'm basically being drilled to death. It's like going out with a Black and Decker power tool.

Day 13
I wish he was gay. I bought 400 Liza Minelli albums and I keep saying 'fabulous,' and still he keeps coming after me!

Day 14
Now I know how Saddam Hussein's wife feels. Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. Let's hope he's not like ex- President Bush and takes 100 days to pull out!

Day 15
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun. Now he tells me sister Wendy revs his motor.

Day 16
I may just have to kill him. Then he'll go out the way he wants to... stiff! With my luck, I won't be able to close the casket.

LoveLOS
05-18-06, 00:16
A little johnny comes down for breakfast, since they live on a farm, his mother asks him if he has done his chores."Not yet," said the little johnny. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores.

Well he's p!ssed off, so he goes to feed the chickens and he kicks a chicken. He goes off to feed the cows and he kicks a cow. Then he goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk on my cereal?" he asks.

"Well" his mother says "I saw you kick the chicken so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk".

Just then his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat as he is walking into the kitchen. Little johnny looks up at his mother and with a smile says, "Are you going to tell him or should I?"

Mechanic69
05-22-06, 11:37
To Convert A Bear

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first."Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

Gorilla69
05-31-06, 02:09
OK, not sure this is humorous... or just sad.

http://www.theage.com.au/news/world/dutch-pedophiles-launch-political-party/2006/05/31/1148956379255.html

Benchseats Rock
05-31-06, 22:29
Mercy Hospital in Baltimore City has reported its first death due to complications suffered while treating the patient for a reported overdose of the drug Viagra.

There will be an open casket funeral on Tuesday afternoon.

LoveLOS
06-01-06, 00:28
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

LoveLOS
06-01-06, 00:30
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

LoveLOS
06-01-06, 21:51
Harold is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner,
Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his
Accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat,
And before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in
Their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I
Miss most of all?"

She asks, "What?"......
SEX!!" he replies.

Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a
Gun To your head!"

"I know, " Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold
It For a while."

"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, and then unzips his trousers, removes
His manhood and proceeds to hold it.

Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they
Would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.

Then, one night, Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K.

She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by
The pool with another female resident, Ethel, who was holding Harold's
Manhood!

Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have that
I Don't have?"

Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's".

Bad Bad Boy
06-03-06, 09:30
Superman was bored fighting crime everyday.So, one Friday night he decided to go out on the town to have some fun.

He drops by Batman's house. "Hey Batman," he says "Wanna go out tonight?"
"No, I can't,the batmobile is broken and I gotta stay home and fix it, or else I won't be able to fight crime."
"You loser," says Superman, and then flies away.

He decides to stop by Spiderman's house. "Hey there Spidey, how about hitting the town tonight, you and me," he says."I'd love to but I can't," replies Spiderman. "My web is broken and I gotta fix it to fight crime."
Superman all disgusted, says "You loser. Stay at home on a Friday night and fix your damn web."
So he flies away.

While flying from up above he spots Wonder Woman stark naked and lying down on her back spread-eagle.
Superman thinks, "Hey, I am Superman, I can fly down there at the speed of light, have a quickie and back out. She won't even feel it." Superman flies down, does a quick in-out-in-out and flies off at the speed of light.
"What the hell was that?" said Wonder Woman. "I don't know," said The Invisible Man, "but it hurt like hell."

RandyOne
06-23-06, 12:06
Came across this job opportunity on the net - You know my first thoughts :)

USA
ACA, US Army Contracting Command Europe
ACA, RCO Seckenheim
R--French Language Instruction
Synopsis
http://www.fbo.gov/spg/USA/DABN/DABN03/W912PE06T0352/listing.html

Benchseats Rock
06-23-06, 16:26
What kind of meat do Priests eat on Friday?

Nun.

Muffbuster69
06-25-06, 15:37
Bad Humor
At The Pearly Gates



A woman met St. Peter at the Pearly Gates and asked if she could join her late husband, Walter Smith.


"We have a lot of Walter Smiths here," said St. Peter, "which one is yours?"


"My Walter is bald with blue eyes and he said that if I ever slept with another man, he'd turn over in his grave," said the woman.



St. Peter motioned to a nearby angel.


"Hey, Gabriel. Take her over to Whirling Walter!"

Menagery8
06-26-06, 04:18
Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed, and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year old blonde.

"Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed, and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50-year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, and sleeping on a sofa bed.

M8

Warpig2000
06-29-06, 08:50
It was just announced that Abu Musab al Zarqawi was killed in Iraq
by American forces, as most people already know...

George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates. He slapped him
across the face and yelled, "How dare you fight against the nation I helped conceive.

Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed!"

James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is
why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Zarqawi with a long cane and
snarled, "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence."

The beat ings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.

Zarqawi lay bleeding and in pain, an angel appeared. Zarqawi
wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."

The angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians
waiting for you in heaven. What did you think I said?"

Muffbuster69
06-29-06, 17:20
Bad Humor
Magician



A guy was drinking alone at the bar when a gorgeous blonde came in and sat beside him.


After talking and sharing a few drinks, she said, "Want to play 'Magician'?"


"I'm up for almost anything," he answered, " but what's 'Magician'?"


She smiled and said, "That's where you come to my room, have sex, and then you disappear!"

Muffbuster69
06-30-06, 22:29
Bad Humor
Do You Want To Go To Heaven?



Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"


The man said, "I do Father."


The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."


Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?"


"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.


"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.


Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"


O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."


The priest said,


"I don't believe this! You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"


O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

Muffbuster69
07-01-06, 20:31
Bad Humor
Electrifying!



Several Southern girls were sitting on the front porch one lazy afternoon discussing life when the topic turned to sex.


Each related just how drab hers was, until it was Roberta's turn.


"Oh, ours? It's... electrifying," said Roberta, sipping her mint julep.


The others were surprised.


"Electrifying? How so?" they asked.


"Well, once I'm on top, he sticks his finger in a light socket," explained Roberta. "It's like riding a mechanical bull, except the ride lasts longer!"

Just Me 69
07-02-06, 03:02
A drunk walks into a bar room, with a frog on his head.

Where the hell did you get that, the bartender asked?

Oh! it started as a pimple on my ass the frog said.

Benchseats Rock
07-02-06, 13:57
At John F. Kennedy International Airport today, a Caucasian male (later discovered to be a high school mathematics teacher) was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor and a graphical calculator.

According to law enforcement officials, he is believed to have ties to the Al-Gebra network. He will be charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

Benchseats Rock
07-02-06, 14:11
Read with a *severe* Newfoundland Accent for best effect eh...

2 Newfies are sitting on a bench and have nothing better to do, so they decide to go ahead and get high. Bob, the first Newfie pulls out his kit, ties off the tourniquet, shoots up, and wouldn't you know it, he's as high as a kite.

Tom looks at Bob and says its good stuff eh? Let me have a run with it. An so Tom goes ahead, ties off, shoots up, and wouldn't you know it, now there are 2 stoned Newfies sitting on a bench, high as kites.

So Bob says to Tom, "Dude, I'm really fucked up, and now I'm kind of sad too."
Says Tom, "Oh no! Why are you blue eh?"
Says Bob, "Well you see, I just found out I have AIDS, and I shot up. Then you shot up, and now you're going to have AIDS too."

Tom starts laughing hysterically, doubling over and patting Bob on the back.

"Oh don't you worry about me man. I'm fine, in fact I'm finer than fine. I'm wearing a condom!"

Warpig2000
07-03-06, 13:29
A farmer from Iowa comes home from a night on the town and wakes his wife by loudly staggering into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm, proclaiming "This is the pig I fuck when your not in the mood!"

His wife grogilly looks at him, very unimpressed, and replies "That ain't no pig, you old drunk. That's a sheep".

"Shut up, Pig!" , says the farmer, "I was talking to the sheep".

Menagery8
07-04-06, 21:05
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples?" ,"DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

M8

Menagery8
07-04-06, 21:07
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the "R", we missed the "R".

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably *The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's* *wrong, father?" With a choking voice, the old abbot replies,*

After all these years. The word was "**Celebrate"

M8

Menagery8
07-04-06, 21:10
A most distinguished looking lady walks into a tattoo parlor, and sits down.

The owner, amazed at seeing such a sophisticated woman in his seedy tattoo shop,
goes over to the woman immediately and asks if he can help her.

To his shock, and utter delight, she lifts her designer dress, and points to her left inner thigh-very high up.

"Right here," she says, "I want you to tattoo a turkey with the word 'Thanksgiving'
under it." Then she points to her right inner thigh-just as high up-and says,
"On this side, I want you to tattoo a Christmas tree, with lights and tinsel,
and an angel on top. And underneath the tree I want the word 'Christmas.'"

The tattoo artist looks at her, puzzled. He says, "Lady, it's none of my business, but that is the most unusual request I have ever had. Why in the world would you want that?"

"Well," the lady said, "I'm sick and tired of my husband always complaining that there's never anything good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

M8

Menagery8
07-05-06, 10:57
A South African gold miner was injured at work and had to have his right leg amputated.

After the operation he was talking to a fellow miner and said "I suppose I'm fucked now, who would ever want a one legged gold digger?"

His mate replied "Try Paul McCartney"

M8

Menagery8
07-05-06, 10:58
A doctor makes love to his patient. As the day goes on he starts to have second thoughts. " Have I made a mistake? Am I going to get sued? He breaks out into a sweat, he can't concentrate on his patients, he is on the verge of a panic attack!
Just then, the voice in his head started talking..." You're not the first doctor to make love to his patient, you're not the last doctor to make love to his patient. You're single, you're young, it's OK! It's just OK!! He started to calm down then the other voice in his head, the one that always snaps him back to reality piped up "But doctor. You're a veterinarian!

M8

Muffbuster69
07-06-06, 08:26
Bad Humor
Fascinate



A grade school teacher in Minnesota asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.


Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."


"That was good," the teacher said, "but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate' not 'fascinating'."


Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."


"Well, that was good Sally," said the teacher, "but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate'."


Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.


Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobies are so big she can only fasten eight."


It was then that the teacher sat down and cried.

Bad Bad Boy
07-07-06, 05:34
A cop was patrolling at night in a well-known spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.

The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.

Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window .. "Uh, yes, officer?"

The cop says: "What are you doing?"

The young man says: "Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine, sir."

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?"

The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."

Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane....and nothing obscene is happening!

The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?"

The young man says :"I'm 25, sir."

The cop asks: "And her ... what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."


BBB

Menagery8
07-14-06, 15:15
A man is stranded on a deserted island, all alone for ten years. One day a gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba suit arrives at the island. She comes up to the chap and she says, "How long has it been since you had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!" he answers. She reaches over, unzips the waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asks, "How long has it been since you had a whisky?"

He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a bottle of malt whisky and gives it to him. He takes a long swallow and says, "Wow, that is fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you had some real fun?"

And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!"

M8

Muffbuster69
07-14-06, 19:44
Bad Humor
The Mortician



A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, he made an amazing discovery - Schwartz had the


longest private part he had ever seen!


"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that, the mortician used his scalpel to remove the dead man's privates.


He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.


The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, opening his briefcase.


"Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"

Muffbuster69
07-15-06, 08:57
Bad Humor
The New Baby



There was a middle-age couple that had two stunningly beautiful teen-age daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.


After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and, sure enough,delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later.


The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to find the ugliest child he had ever seen.


He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of the child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered," he cried. Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"


The wife smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."

Muffbuster69
07-18-06, 16:45
Bad Humor
The Wallyworld Greeter



A very dishevelled, unattractive, profoundly obese, smelly, mean acting, nasty in EVERY sense of the word, woman, walks into Wallyworld with her two kids in tow.


As she grabs a cart, the Wal-Mart Greeter, asks, "Are they twins"?


"No," the woman snarls, "the oldest one, he's nine, and, the younger one, she's seven. Why, do you think they really look alike?"


"No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!!"

Menagery8
07-19-06, 13:54
On their first night to be together, the newlywed couple go to get changed. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing her beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."

The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished. "Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My word, you are so beautiful, let me take your picture.

Puzzled, she asks, "My picture?"

He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever."

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.
He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now."

At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "Oh, oh, oh my, let me get a picture."

He beams and asks, "Why?"

She answers, "So I can get it enlarged."

M8

Menagery8
07-19-06, 15:02
A blond sits down at a bar and said "Barkeep give me a martoony". Five minutes later the blond said "Barkeep give me another martoony". Ten minutes later the bartender asks the blond if she wanted another. The blond said "no thanks, they gave me heartburn. The bartender said "First, its not barkeep, its bartender. Second, its not martoony, its martini. And third its not heartburn, your tits in the ashtray.

M8

Bad Bad Boy
07-19-06, 21:19
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out
anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room.

Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a
download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: You got Male!

Warpig2000
07-25-06, 10:08
Here is a list of ten URLs with an unintended secondary meaning attatched to their names, often the implied meaning would be hobby-related if that were the intended purpose of the site:

1. A site called ‘Who Represents‘ where you can find
the name of the agent that represents a celebrity.
Their domain name is:
www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where
programmers can exchange advice and views at:
www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island
at:
www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at:
www.therapistfinder.com

5. Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator
company…
www.powergenitalia.com

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery,
based in New South Wales:
www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you’re looking for computer software, there’s
always:
www.ipanywhere.com

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church.
Their website is:
www.cummingfirst.com

9. Then, of course, there’s these brainless art
designers, and their whacky website:
www.speedofart.com

10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure
website at:
www.gotahoe.com

Menagery8
07-25-06, 13:11
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.

"Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back," he replied. "I'll take care of expenses."

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by, and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."

"Just wait until I get home," the doctor said, "and I will explain it to you."

Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room.

The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read, "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with sausage and meatballs; two without."

M8

Muffbuster69
07-29-06, 09:59
Bad Humor
Father-Son Talk



"Mom? I've got a question. The guys at school are using words I don't understand."


"What words, dear?"


"Pussy and *****."


Mom inhaled sharply, but then said, "Oh, that's easy. A pussy is a cat, like our little Mittens. A ***** is a female dog, like our Sandy."


"Thanks, Mom."


He then found his Dad out in the garage.


"Dad, the guys at school are using words I don't understand."


"What words, son?"


"Pussy and *****. I asked Mom, but I don't think she told me the right meaning."


Dad said, "Son, never ask your mother about these things, ask me instead. Let me explain it like this ..." He pulled a Playboy from his workbench, turned to the centerfold, drew a circle around the pubic area and said, "Son, everything inside the circle is pussy."


"Okay, Dad. Then what's a *****?"


Dad replied, "Everything outside the circle!"

PsyberZombie
07-29-06, 13:52
Here is a list of ten URLs with an unintended secondary meaning attatched to their names, often the implied meaning would be hobby-related if that were the intended purpose of the site....



Very funny , W·p·2000

Almost as funny as *this* Post =

http://www.usasexguide.info/forum/showpost.php?p=418246&postcount=22

Warpig2000
07-31-06, 11:01
Two tall trees are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. One tree says to the other, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The other says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. One of the tall trees says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

Warpig2000
07-31-06, 14:07
A wealthy wife and husband were leaving to go to a banquet, so they decided to give Jeeves, their butler, the night off. An hour later, the wife found the banquet to be quite boring so she left while her husband was still conversing with some of his friends. When she got home, she saw Jeeves sitting at the dining room table alone. She took him up to the master bedroom, and locked the door.

'Jeeves, take off my hat,' she said, which Jeeves promptly did. Next she told him to take off her jewelry and gloves, and he did. 'Jeeves, take off my dress,' she ordered, and he did what he was told. 'Jeeves, take off my bra and underwear,' she said, and he nervously followed her order.

'Jeeves,' she started, 'I never want to see you wearing my clothes again, or you're fired.' :D :D

RandyOne
08-01-06, 18:10
http://www.funnyplace.org/stream.php?id=2977

Funny video about LE making a street stop

Baltimonger
08-01-06, 21:03
All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade — at any time of the year.

All beds have special "L"-shaped sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.

It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

Once applied, lipstick will never rub off — even while scuba diving.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there. And you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition — even if you haven't been carrying any before now.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war — unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

You can see the Eiffel Tower from every window in Paris.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill — just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.

Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

The Chief of Police will suspend his star detective — or give him 48 hours to finish the job.

A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK Stadium.

Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

It is not necessary to say "Hello" or "Goodbye" when beginning or ending phone conversations.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts — your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds — unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.

When turning off you bedroom light at night, the room will not become pitch dark. Instead everthing will have a light blue glow about it.

When being chased: When coming to a staircase, it is necessary to take the steps that go up.

You can go for days without ever having to go to the bathroom.

During any police investigation, it is necessary for the cops to stop at a strip club at least once.

When attempting to flee attackers, no car will start on the first 2 tries.

You can kill anybody by grabbing their head and twisting their neck a quarter turn.

Arlogu
08-01-06, 22:07
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES

He soon realizes that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business...."

"Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE

YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.

SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.

Baltimonger
08-01-06, 22:19
One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teache rs throughout the United States, from eight grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.
-Unknown

The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cul- tivated by irritation. The Egypti ans built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jac ob, son of Issac, stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sons to be partiarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fougth with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.

Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athen was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece , as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.

Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History call people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote liter- ature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son' s head.

The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another import ant invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Vir- gin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself be- fore her troops, they all shouted "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Mac- beth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Sh akespear was Miquel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife dies and he wrote "Paradise Regained."

During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and the was called the Pilgrim's Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their was hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porposies on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with thei r cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their pacels through the post with- out stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.

Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented elec- tricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Them the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abrah am Lincoln write the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torc her and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a sup- posedl insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy". Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are flaling off the trees.

Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud mu sic. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolu- tion, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were tr embling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorrilas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inheret his power, but since Josephine was a ba roness, she couldn't bear him any children.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. He reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a cod e for telepathy. Louis Pastuer discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturailst who wrote the "Organ of the Species". Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.

The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

PsyberZombie
08-04-06, 09:42
The month's only four days old — and already I've been called a racist , a pimp , a band·width waster , a closet bigot , in·sensitive , a know·it·all , a jerk , and a bad driver over on my home Board of Providence , Rhode Island

[ that last one *really* hurt = I haven't had a moving violation or an accident in *weeks* !! ]

So here's some NON·P.C. Humor to keep all my detractors riled up =


• IT ALL ADDS UP

Teaching math in the 1950’s: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ??

1960’s: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit ??

1970’s: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit ??

1980’s: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20

1990’s: A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living ?? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes ?? (There are no wrong answers.)

Teaching math in the 21st Century: Un ranchero vende una carretera de madera para $100. El cuesto de la producción era $80. ¿¿ Cuantos dollares se puede comprar ??



• Who's Your Fave 'Should·a·Been' ??

http://*******.com/zjexq



• A Liberal View of "Conservative Humor"

http://*******.com/eb5ro


Does all of the above got you madder than a Pit Bull with a tooth·ache ??

Good !!

Nightflyerx1
08-05-06, 02:17
For anyone who ever went through Ft. Bliss and El Paso!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N5pikRL1CZk&mode=related&search=

Menagery8
08-05-06, 10:57
Three men and two women were stuck in an elevator. While waiting for the repairman to free them, they decided to introduce themselves.

The first man said, "My name is Bill and I'm a YUPPIE: Young Urban Peace-loving Professional Intellectual Ecologist."

The second man said, "My name is Dick and I'm a DINK: Double Income, No Kids."

The third man said, "My name is Wally and I'm a RUB: Rich Urban Biker."

The first woman said, "My name is Sally and I’m a B.I.T.C.H.: Babe In Total Control of Herself!"

They looked at the other woman, "So what about you? What are you?"

She replied, "I'm a WIFE: Wash, Iron, F**K, Etc!"

M8

Bad Bad Boy
08-07-06, 01:24
A little old lady had always wanted to join a local biker
club.
One day she goes up and knocks on the club's door. A big, hairy,
bearded biker guy with tattoos all over his arms answers the door.
She proclaims, "I want to join your club."
The biker was amused, but says she needs to meet certain
biker requirements in order to join. The biker asks, "Do you have a
motorcycle?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep. my bikes parked over there and
points to a Harley in the driveway.
The biker asks, "Do you drink?"
The little old lady replies "Yep...drink like a fish. I'll
drink any man in your club under the table.
The biker asks, "Do you smoke?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep...smoke like a chimney.
At least 4 packs a day and a couple of cigars in the evening when
I'm shooting pool."
The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last Question. Have
you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The little old lady thinks for a minute and says,

"Nope...but I've been swung around by the nipples once!

BBB

PsyberZombie
08-07-06, 08:40
Very Funny , B·B·B

Almost as funny as This Joke ('http://www.usasexguide.info/forum/showpost.php?p=427342&postcount=45')

Third Eye
08-12-06, 02:52
Not a joke per se, just a post that came out rather ironic:

Cruising is like hunting--except you are not at the top of the food chain.

Strip clubs are like shopping at a used car lot where, as you may expect, the sales reps are aggressive, wily, avaricious, stoned, or potentially unstable--except that they are dressed in their underwear.

AMPs are like coming home after a long day at work--except your home is a shabby house along a busy thoroughfare, and you are accustomed to taking off all your clothes immediately upon entering, lying down on a table while a diminuitive Asian woman sudses you up and hoses you down, walks on you, gives you a lame but sometimes intrusive massage, then drains you of much of your bodily fluids.

Yes, it is much like that.

Just Me 69
08-12-06, 09:05
Strip Clubs are like Steak Houses for customers without teeth.

Bad Bad Boy
08-12-06, 12:18
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old . I'm telling everybody."

Muffbuster69
08-12-06, 15:40
Bad Humor
The Purina Diet



I have a Labrador Retriever.


I was buying a large bag of Purina at the store and was in line to check out, when the woman behind me asked if I had a dog.


On impulse, I told her no, and that I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in the Intensive Care Unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.


I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. Since the food is nutritionally complete and perfectly healthy, I decided to try it again.


I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, just hanging on my every word, particularly a tall, black guy who was behind the woman I was describing the diet to.


Horrified, she asked if ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.


I told her no, and went on to explain that I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.


I thought the black guy was going to need assistance as he staggered to the door, laughing uproariously...

Menagery8
08-14-06, 11:20
One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after eating the apple, and wondered about men and women. So looking up to the heavens he said, "Excuse me God, can I ask you a few questions?"

God replied, "Go on Adam but be quick. I have a world to create."

So Adam says, "When you created Eve, why did you make her body so curved and tender unlike mine?"

"I did that, Adam, so that you could love her."

"Oh, well then, why did you give her long, shiny, beautiful hair, and not me?"

"I did that Adam so that you could love her."

"Oh, well then, why did you make her so stupid? Certainly not so that I could love her?"

"Well, Adam no. I did that so that she could love you."

M8

Muffbuster69
08-14-06, 16:24
Bad Humor
Saying "Goodbye"



A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.


Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.


"Charles, you know that fur coat you promised me and never bought? Well, I bought it with the insurance money."


She paused for a minute, tracing her fingers in the ashes, and then said, "Charles, remember that new car you promised me and never bought? Well, I bought it also with the insurance money!"


Again, she paused for a few minutes and, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Charles, that emerald necklace you promised me and never bought? Well, I bought it as well, with the insurance money!"


Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Charles, remember that blow job I promised you?...


"Well, here it comes!"

CookyJar
08-14-06, 23:57
I Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha…I got all of you...except for maybe you over there.

I cannot believe it. Even Jackson, he pulled my post in the Joke & humorous section and my pictures. Gotcha, gotcha gotcha… I got you, and you and you over there...I got you too. Where are you minds at? You guys are thinking in the gutter, as usually. I have planned to wait at least one more day, and maybe reel in some others, but since I got the big one, Jackson (whom I hope has a good sense of humor), I am posting how I handled the Ali situation today. And I do so while ROFLMBAO.

I declined. Why? Because Ali (short for Aaliyah, like I said) was nine months pregnant and I felt sorry for the little thing (the baby). Her belly was way bigger then mine. I never noticed her condition as it was hidden by her heavy winter coat. I was flabbergasted that a cool ass hunter like myself could have over looked such an obvious condition. Even when I glanced at her sitting on the couch without her coat on, I never noticed because she had her legs crossed and her arms over her stomach and I was looking at her face not her body.

What were you guys thinking? That I, the CookyJar, would let another man touch my bod, Ugh. I don’t play that. Nope, not the kid.

My question was and still is: would you fuck a nine months along, pregnant SW. Sure I’ve done it with pregos. But, this girl was do any minute. I was thinking to myself, shit, this poor kids got it bad enough without me banging up against its’ head. Moms got it out in the cold, probably addicted, and HIV positive – call me a softy – I just couldn’t do it.

I gave her thirty bucks and told her I knew she was going to get something to get high on, but to please get something healthy to eat. She promised she would. We sat and talked for awhile, and then I got this bright idea, so I took some more pictures. This is the second time I pulled it. No telling how many others would have fallen for the gag if Jackson hadn’t yanked it.

Jackson, I hope I didn’t break any real rules. I would never post transvestites pictures or anything like that, you gotta believe me on that. LOL And, I did post it in the humor section.

Hmmmm! Now where should I post this? Humor section? Philly section? Oh! Well?
Still, ROFLMBAS.

CookyJar

PS: On a sad note. I have been with Aaliyah since the baby was born. I didn’t ask and she didn’t tell. I know the baby is not with her because I know where she lives. I don’t believe she remembers that day. Girls like Ali must blank things out, how else can they stay sane.

PSS: I will post the up to date pictures of Aaliyah in the Philly Section.

Menagery8
08-15-06, 15:06
A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."

"Perfect," her husband said.

"I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin."

"You can take it orally or as a suppository. "

"It is up to you."

M8

JohnUT1966
08-16-06, 21:55
A man was driving along a lonely stretch of road when he spotted a good looking young lady hitch hiking. He very quickly stopped his car and asked her if she wanted a ride. She told him of course she did. As they were driving, she told him that he should not have picked her up because she was a witch. He laughed at her and said there is no such thing as witches. She said she was a witch and that she turned men in to buildings. He looked at her and said no way. She smile wickedly and put her hand between his legs and sure enough he turned into a motel.

JohnUT1966
08-23-06, 00:41
A beautiful well built young lady married this very wealth but not very bright young man. On their wedding night, she is wearing a very sexy night gown climb into bed. Nothing happened. She thought he must be tired and will do it tomorrow night. Tomorrow came and went as did several weeks and still nothing. One Wednesday after supper her husband asked if he could go bowling with the boys. She told him go ahead since nothing was happening at home. When he got home that night, they went to bed. No sooner than the lights were off, he was on her and they fucked all night. In the morning, she turned to him and asked way didn’t you do that sooner. He looked at her and said I just found out tonight that you put out.


Young couple standing at the altar getting married. They smile at each other. The man thinks what a luck man I am. Susan is a beautiful woman, she is smart, has a great body, fucks very well and I will be getting the best blow jobs in the world for the rest of my like. Susan looks at Jim and thinks I am a very lucky woman. Jim is good looking, he is rich, I just have to teach him how to fuck me and best of all I will never have to suck his cock again.

Benchseats Rock
08-26-06, 17:27
Q: How do you make a hormone?



A: Kick her in the ankle.

Zhuxi
08-26-06, 17:36
An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that? "

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. As he neared a lake he came across a very large beaver sitting at the water's edge.

When he realized he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't shoot the magnificent creature, out of habit he raised his umbrella, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that? " asked the doctor.

The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver. "

The doctor replied, "My point exactly".

Bad Bad Boy
08-27-06, 05:02
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.
The guy says aloud, "Geesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?

The parrot responds, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy says. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

The parrot responds, "Well, this is very embarrassing. but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook.
You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion,sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssst"...said the parrot, "truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by.
The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's agreat pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.
The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie and kissed him passionately."

"WHAT???" The guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and put his hands under her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

"Oh No!," the man exclaims."Then what?"

The parrot says,"Then he lifted up the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down...."

"WELL," demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch. "replies the parrot.

BBB

Bad Bad Boy
08-27-06, 05:04
The year is 2022 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulation of enough Frequent Flyer miles.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.
Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen
.
The Martian responds, "Pretty much the way you do."

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.

Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.
He's got only a teeny, weeny member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.

"why?" he asks. "What's the Matter?"

She replies, "it's just not long enough to reach me!"

"No problem," he says and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.
With each slap of his forehead his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

"Well," she says, "that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow."

"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears.
With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways.
As they walk along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it", says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?"

"Horrible," he replies. "All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears !

BBB

Zhuxi
08-27-06, 05:19
A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.

The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need Cyanide?"

The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy -- I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any Cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, " Well, now. You didn't tell me you
had a prescription."

Ontarget
09-01-06, 19:16
Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!

Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there? "

Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did.

She said, " Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500. " After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested.

She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2 p. M. Fri! Day afternoon

When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p. M. Sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.

John quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 PM. And upon entering the house asked his wife abruptly, "Did John come by the house this afternoon? "

With a lump in her throat Sue answered, "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon. "

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked,

"And did he give you $500? "

In terror she assumed that some how he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500. "

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back. "

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!

Bad Bad Boy
09-02-06, 04:39
A beautiful young lady goes to her local pet store, where she notices a box full of frogs.

The sign says: Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Comes with complete instructions.

She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, “I’ll take one.”

The girl grabs the box and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do:

1. Take a shower
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Go to bed naked with the frog.

Nothing happens! The girl is frustrated and quite upset.

She rereads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, “If it doesn’t work, call the pet store.”

So the lady calls the pet store. The man says, “Yes, I’ve had some complaints about those frogs. I’ll be right over.”

Within five minutes the pet shop owner is ringing her doorbell.

The girl welcomes him in and says, “I’ve done everything according to the instructions. The damn thing just sits there.”

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says:

“Listen to me! I’m only going to show you how to do this one more time!”

Bad Bad Boy
09-02-06, 04:41
How to tell if you are a redneck:

1. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front
of her kids.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

5. Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people."

6. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

7. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey y'all watch
this."

8. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

9. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

10. Your junior prom had a daycare.

11. You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen
start your engines."

12. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its
wheels.

13. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much
gas is in it.

14. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

15. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

16. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the
House of Tattoos.

17. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against
it.

18. You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

19. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

20. Somebody hollers "Hoe Down" and your girlfriend hits the floor.

21. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on
the side.

22. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

23. Your working T.V. sits on top of your non-working T.V.

24. Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you
home.

25. You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.

Scoundrel
09-10-06, 09:59
This is a real hoot!

ebaumsworld.com/2006/07/blinddateparody.html

Bad Bad Boy
09-14-06, 06:02
From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart only to have their car break down in the parking lot.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

Robux
09-16-06, 00:25
Check out this costume:

http://www.wackyplanet.com/pe-300445.html

Warpig2000
09-16-06, 13:15
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with

the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley; and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies. Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit; and soon he, too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing, and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?

(Yep, you bet there IS a moral!)

"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks"

Bad Bad Boy
09-18-06, 06:55
Two Eagles, an old Indian chief, sat in his hut on the reservation smoking
a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two US government officials sent to
interview him. One US official said to Chief Two Eagles, "You have
observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his
technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he has
done." The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion,
where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the two government officials for over a minute, and
then he calmly replied; "When white man found the land, Indians were
running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo, Plenty beaver, Women did
all the work, Medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and
fishing, All night having sex." Then the chief leaned back and smiled
before he added, "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve
system like that."

Warpig2000
09-20-06, 21:34
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they
find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit
onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the
husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as
he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece
of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me
crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR
stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up."

Robux
09-28-06, 18:35
http://www.americanfilms.com/play.cfm?clipid=9&kw=shameless

Hooker just like dear old dad used to date. In fact, it is the same hooker he used to date.

Benchseats Rock
10-02-06, 06:11
http://www.americanfilms.com/play.cfm?clipid=9&kw=shameless

Hooker just like dear old dad used to date. In fact, it is the same hooker he used to date.


My eyes! My eyes! As soon as I recover I am going to fuck the living daylights out of her. Tell your dad I'm coming by with a bottle so we can compare notes.

Bad Bad Boy
10-09-06, 12:18
As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman
other than his wife naked, and that he must commit suicide if he does.

So next Saturday at 4 PM. EST all American women are asked to walk out
of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood
terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.

All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their
house to prove they are not Muslims, and to demonstrate they think it's okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all American
women.

Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6 -pack at you side
is further proof of your anti-Muslim sentiment.

The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists
and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.

God bless America.

BBB

Bad Bad Boy
10-22-06, 02:28
The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his
hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one would
dispute that.

Then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel and, if he could locate the bullet hole, he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks.

So the bet was on.

They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin.

After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt
the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right.

They brought him another skin from someone's car trunk. He took a bit longer
this time and then said, "Elk. Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right
again. Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time
against a round of drinks.

Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind and went to sleep.
The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one huge black
eye.

He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk
enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?"

His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed, put
your hand down my panties, fiddled around a bit and then loudly yelled,
"Skunk. Killed with an axe."

BBB

Benchseats Rock
10-23-06, 03:07
I am not making a political statement.
I am not endorsing a political party.

But in case you're shopping for your favorite politics junkie, here is the perfect gift.

Mark Foley "Ready for Action" Figurine (http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=230039721735)

Randy Farang
10-23-06, 09:48
Great catch, Bench, but I'll bet you would never take'em home to meet Momma.

LOL

Randy

Double Nickle
10-24-06, 16:50
Dwarves get horny too just like all us handsome irresistable guys - maybe even hornier. One day a dwarf and his buddy dwarf couldn't take it any longer and decided to pay for sex. They get two adjoining rooms in a nice hotel and call an outcall escort service.

The first dwarf takes off all his clothes and gets into bed naked with the prostitute. She looks great lying there all naked on the bed: long red hair, big tits, narrow waist, long legs. He really wants her. But for some reason he is unable to get an erection.

To make matters worse, he can hear his buddy and the other woman in the next room. "One, Two, Three, Here I come!" The first dwarf relaxes for a bit, then tries again. Nothing. Next door, "One, Two, Three, Here I Come" again. This goes on all night. The first dwarf can't get it up all night. He keeps hearing, "One, Two, Three, Here I Come" all night long.

The next morning the two dwarves are sitting in the hotel coffee shop. "God, what a night," says the first dwarf. "The woman was beautiful and sexy as hell, but I couldn't get an erection."

"That's nothing," said the second dwarf. "I couldn't even get up on the bed."

- Double Nickle

Double Nickle
10-25-06, 13:16
I was telling a buddy of mine how great I used to have it in Waterbury. "There were 10 Korean Massage Parlors charging $140 to $160 for full service. I walk into any one of them and a gorgeous babe in sexy lingerie greats me at the door by name with a smile and a kiss. She gropes my crotch, 'I see you're happy to see me.' I get a cup of green tea and time in the sauna. During the table shower she slips out of her wispy garments and slides her soapy body all over me. She brings me back to the massage room and leaves. An even hotter girl comes in. I get a full professional massage. Then she gets on top of me and we do 69. Then she hops on my dick and rides me cowgirl style while I'm sucking on her huge bouncing boobies. Massive climax. We snuggle for a bit and get cleaned up. On my way out the first girl kisses me on the mouth, unwraps a peppermint candy and pops it in my mouth. There is a new girl I haven't seen before. 20ish with a spiky punk haircut - so hot I'm literally shaking. She grabs my dick through my clothes, 'come back soon.' I walk out trying to hide the flagpole in my pants. How about that," I say to my buddy.

My buddy, he says, "That's nothing. There's another place in Waterbury that is way better. You go in and sit down at the bar. One dollar fifty cents for great microbrewed beer. And you get a great full buffet with it. They put money in the jukebox for you and you get to dance to your heart's content. Wait, I'm not finished. Then they take you to a room in back and you get the best sex of your life. Multiple pops. New positions. As long as you want. All this for only a hundred and fifty cents."

I tell my buddy, "I don't believe you. What is the name of this place? Have you actually been there?" My buddy, he says to me, "Well, no I haven't actually been there yet but I have it on good authority from somebody I absolutely trust....My sister told me about it."

Double Nickle

Double Nickle
10-25-06, 13:48
To celebrate my fifty-fifth birthday I went to Hedonism II in Jamaica for a week. Contrary to what many believe it does not guarantee unlimited sex for single guys. Many guests are couples, and single guys far far outnumber single girls. But you can see almost unlimited naked flesh as there is a nude section. I went to the massage hut there thinking I would surely get hand relief. Nope, I walked out of there butt naked (I hadn't worn clothes in) with a big hard-on. (I tried to look nonchalant). I took a midnight dip in the nude pool. A couple is in the hammock right next to it, making love. I'm in the outdoor nude jacuzzi. A smoking hot girl climbs in and looks at me with smouldering eyes. I get as hard as I've been in my life. Then she goes and gives the guy right next to me a blowjob right in the outdoor hot-tub. A week of this. No sex for me. I have never been so horny in my entire life. I would have fucked the brains out of the ugliest, fattest, most personality minus female.

So my week is up and I fly back to Bradley Field and take the airport limo to Waterbury. I stop in the 24 hour convenience store on Bank Street. As I am coming out I see a streetwalker straight out of my early 1970's mongering days. 20ish, hot pants with a bit of butt hanging out. My knees are turning to jello, but I manage to stumble up to her and stutter out, "Oh man, I really, really wish I had a little pussy." She looks me straight in the eye and says, "Me too, mine is as big as a barn."

Double Nickle

KC Questor
10-31-06, 14:03
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now 39 and am looking for a girl with big boobs.

Benchseats Rock
10-31-06, 17:36
A guy walks into a talent agency and says, "Have I got an act for you!"
The agent says, "Tell me about the act."


Now wouldn't this just be the classic monger joke...





Benchseats Rock

LoveLOS
11-03-06, 21:25
WARNING FROM THE BBB ABOUT AFLAC

Seems the (BBB) Better Business Bureau got a complaint the other day about a scam that AFLAC was taking advantage of women on the street and stealing their money.

Now we all at one time thought that an INSURANCE Company has stolen from us, however this scam is netting COLD HARD CASH from unsuspecting individuals. The way it works is the thief uses children to distract the target.
While admiring the cuteness of the kids they are robbed of their cash and never know what hit them.

I'm sending this out for all to be aware that this is happening and it's right out on the streets where the general public is. A passer by with a digital camera happened to capture the photo below. Review it carefully and use caution when distractions like this come along.

Be careful out there!
Don't say you weren't warned....

LoveLOS
11-03-06, 21:52
Q: How do you make a hormone?

A: Kick her in the ankle.Wrong mo fo. She really moans and bitches when you don't pay her....

Benchseats Rock
11-03-06, 22:42
WARNING FROM THE BBB ABOUT AFLAC

Seems the (BBB) Better Business Bureau got a complaint the other day about a scam that AFLAC was taking advantage of women on the street and stealing their money.

Now we all at one time thought that an INSURANCE Company has stolen from us, however this scam is netting COLD HARD CASH from unsuspecting individuals. The way it works is the thief uses children to distract the target.
While admiring the cuteness of the kids they are robbed of their cash and never know what hit them.

I'm sending this out for all to be aware that this is happening and it's right out on the streets where the general public is. A passer by with a digital camera happened to capture the photo below. Review it carefully and use caution when distractions like this come along.

Be careful out there!
Don't say you weren't warned....


You want ducks? I got your ducks right here.


Benchseats Rock

Ken7734
11-04-06, 23:46
A guy walks into a talent agency and says, "Have I got an act for you!"

The agent says, "Tell me about the act."

Now wouldn't this just be the classic monger joke.

Benchseats RockWhat do you call this act - "The Aristocrats".

Hey I finally posted!

Member #5805
11-05-06, 20:49
A friend sent this and I thought I would share!!

Headfirst
11-08-06, 23:19
Why is a joke like pussy?

Neither is any good if you don't get it.

Headfirst
11-14-06, 19:53
Abe went to a brothel and told the madam, "I want a girl with big boobs and a small box."

"Why?" she asked him.

"Never mind!" replied Abe. "I`m paying for it. I want a girl with big tits and a small cooze!"

"No problem," said the madam. "Go straight up the stairs to room 23."

A few minutes later there was a knock on the door, and a young woman walked in.

"Okay," she said, "are you the guy with the big mouth and the small pecker?"

PsyberZombie
11-15-06, 10:21
Meet the newest members of The Mile High·jackers Club ('http://*******.com/yygcdt')

Fission06
11-16-06, 15:51
I'm trying to find a certain joke but I can't find it. I only read the first couple of pages so I'm not sure if this has been posted:

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, quite a lot, and that was my mother-in-law to be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted with me which made me feel uncomfortable.

One day she called me and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations, so I went. She was alone and when I arrived she whispered to me, that soon I was to be married and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. So before I got married and committed my life to her daughter, she wanted to make love to me just once.

What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. So, she said, "I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me." I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door. I opened it, and stepped out of the house. Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said, "We are very happy and pleased. You have passed our little test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in your car.

Headfirst
11-20-06, 20:15
A very shy guy goes into a pub on Valentine's Day night and sees a beautiful woman sitting alone at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I brought you a drink? " She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight! "

Everyone in the pub is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table totally red faced.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologises. She smiles at him and says, "I'm really sorry if I embarrassed you just then. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations. "

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

LoveLOS
11-22-06, 23:22
The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt-out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.

The only rule was that they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products, that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable. About seven minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top Ten List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone.

The top ten were:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper.

8. Viagra, Like a rock!

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

3. Viagra, home of the whopper!

2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. This is your winkie. This is your winkie on drugs.

Benchseats Rock
11-25-06, 01:04
If the Indians had killed a cat instead of a turkey, we would all be eating pussy for Thanksgiving.

Happy Turkey Day!

Fission06
11-26-06, 06:46
Q. What do women and airplanes both have in common?
A. They both have cockpits.

Q: Why did the snowman smile?
A: Because the snowblower is coming.

Q: How did the hilbilly find his daughter in the woods?
A: Pretty Good!

Q. Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
A. 8 Something :P

Q. What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A. One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with.... the other is used to carry groceries.

Q. What is the new gay website address?
A. c : enter ### (see colon enter pound pound pound).

Q. What is the new O.J. website address?
A. slash slash backslash escape.

Q. When does a cub become a boy scout?
A. When he eats his first Brownie.

Q. What do you call a blonde grabbing at air?
A. Collecting her thoughts.

Q: What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?
A: By the time you're finished with the breast and thighs, all you have
left is the greasy box to put your bone in.

Q: What is the difference between a geneologist and a gynecologist?
A: A geneologist looks up your family tree and a gynecologist looks up your bush.

Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
A: Miracle Whip.

Q: What's the difference between a prostitute and a trapese artist?
A: One's got a cunning stunt...the other has a stunning ****.

Q: What is the name of Moby Dicks father?
A: Poppa Boner

Q: What is the difference between anal sex and a microwave?
A: A microwave doesn't brown your meat

Q: What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked up by 'the fuzz'?
A: No. But I've been swung around by the tits.

Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.

Q: What do you call blondes in a freezer?
A: Frosted Flakes!

Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted.

Q: Why are Blonde's coffins shaped like a triangle?
A: Because everytime their head hits a pillow their legs open.

Q: What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
A: They are both empty from the neck up!

Q: Why has the wave been outlawed at baseball games?
A: Because all the blondes used to drown .

Q: Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?
A: They think their picture is being taken.

Q: What do you do if a Blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth!

Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar bill on her head?
A: All you can eat under a buck.

Q: What do a Blonde and a turtle have in common?
A: Once on their back, they're both screwed.

Q: Why did the blonde have bruises on her belly button?
A: Because her boyfriend was blonde too.

Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
A: Because she got an "F" in sex

Q: How do you describe 3 prostitutes and a blonde?
A: Ho, Ho, Ho, and to all a good night.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who dropped out of nursing school?
A: She was doing great until she found out she would have to perform the Hymenlick Maneuver.

Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
A: Because it kept falling out.

Q: What is the blonde's favorite potato chip?
A: (Frito-Lay).

Q: Why can't blondes be cattle ranchers?
A: They can't keep their calves together!

Benchseats Rock
11-26-06, 12:08
I saw this posted by The Flatline in Hollywood. He gets all the credit here for this gem.



"Mother nature threw ladies a twist
When she gave us an organ that fits in our fist.
Although for pussy we always are itching,
Sometimes the hand beats the sound of their bitching"

Headfirst
11-26-06, 18:35
The other day, I was accosted by a hooker. She asked, "How 'bout some relaxing oral sex, honey? Only $50"

"No way!" I responded. "I'm married!"

"So? What difference does that make?" asked the hooker.

So I told her, "The difference is, my wife will do it for only $35."

Bad Bad Boy
11-27-06, 22:13
When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and
during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex?
"Tarzan not know sex." he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said "Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified Jane said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how
to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said,
pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood,
stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually
she managed to gasp for air and screamed "What did you do that
for?"
Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."

PsyberZombie
11-29-06, 10:59
This guy picks up a beautiful blond in a bar and takes her back to his place

They have bare·back sex in every position all night long

As dawn breaks , she suddenly sits bolt up·right in bed and exclaims =

" OMIGAWD!! I forgot to ask you something !! Have you ever been tested for AIDS ??!!?? "

The guys says " Yep .... and I'm negative "

" Thank Goodness " the blond sighs " I wouldn't want to catch *that* again !! "


The MORAL of the story =

If you haven't already been circumsized , get clipped .... it way reduces your chances of contracting HIV =

http://www.usasexguide.info/forum/showpost.php?p=448225&postcount=251

Robux
12-02-06, 14:02
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at
him and say hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he
knows her from. So he says, "Do you Know me?" To which she replies, "I think
you're the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only
time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the
stripper who I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching,
while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???" She looks into his
eyes and calmly says... "No, I'm your son's math teacher."

Bad Bad Boy
12-04-06, 16:29
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big ugly red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a freaking diamond.

BBB

Baltimonger
12-04-06, 21:58
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big ugly red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a freaking diamond.

BBB
why did you write this in the first person context? People could easily misconstrue this post.

Benchseats Rock
12-04-06, 22:39
Dec 4, 2:37 PM EST

Plane diverted after passengers smell burning matches


NASHVILLE, Tenn. (AP) -- An American Airline flight bound for Dallas-Fort Worth was diverted in Nashville after passengers reported smelling burning matches.

Airport officials had 99 passengers and five crew members disembark the plane after it landed around 6:40 a.m. Monday, Nashville Airport Authority spokeswoman Lynne Lowrance said.

The plane, which was en route from Reagan National Airport in Washington, was searched and luggage was screened.

Matches were found in the seat of one passenger, who was detained and questioned by the FBI. The matches were safety matches allowed in carry-on luggage under Transportation Security Administration rules.

"It turned out she was trying to conceal body odor," Lowrance said.

The woman, who was not identified, was released without being charged, but was not allowed back on an American Airlines flight.

The remaining passengers were screened, and the plane resumed its flight around 10:30 a.m.

© 2006 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed. Learn more about our Privacy Policy.

Headfirst
12-04-06, 23:14
A "heads up" for you and any of your friends who may be regular Home Depot customers.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you.

Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 18 or 19-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping items into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the back seat.

On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen Nov 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, three times just yesterday, and very likely again this upcoming weekend as soon as I can buy some more wallets.

Bad Bad Boy
12-08-06, 20:22
1. What's the quickest answer most Americans would give when asked to name three Brazilians?

Lindsay, Britney and Paris.

2. What do Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan all have in common with your local library?

They're "open" to the public.

3. What did George Bush Sr. say that is similar to the recent "statement" made by Britney Spears?

Bush Sr. said "Read my lips... No new taxes!" Britney said "Freed my lips... Show you waxes!

4. What do Britney, Paris and Lindsay all have in common with naked mole rats?

They have tunnels with no fur, and people are shocked when they see one come up for air.

5. What do Paris, Lindsay and Britney have in common with the Grand Canyon?

Well explored wide open spaces that are better seen from a distance than up close.

Benchseats Rock
12-08-06, 20:39
1. What's the quickest answer most Americans would give when asked to name three Brazilians?

Lindsay, Britney and Paris.

2. What do Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan all have in common with your local library?

They're "open" to the public.

3. What did George Bush Sr. say that is similar to the recent "statement" made by Britney Spears?

Bush Sr. said "Read my lips... No new taxes!" Britney said "Freed my lips... Show you waxes!

4. What do Britney, Paris and Lindsay all have in common with naked mole rats?

They have tunnels with no fur, and people are shocked when they see one come up for air.

5. What do Paris, Lindsay and Britney have in common with the Grand Canyon?

Well explored wide open spaces that are better seen from a distance than up close.

Sort of like this one:

Q. How is a blonde like a screen door?
A. The more often you bang it the looser it gets.

MeatMan
12-11-06, 08:11
Guys, Listen to this!....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oChizeNbViE&eurl=

Headfirst
12-12-06, 20:22
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood.

When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing! "

She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up. "

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and when he comes back he says,

"Man! My hands are really freezing! "

She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up. " He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again,

"Honey, my hands are really freezing! "

She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"

Headfirst
12-12-06, 20:24
Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar.

One complained to the other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking ass."

Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away.

Immediately, he apologized for his bad language.

"That's okay," the blonde replied, "If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car."

Mundane
12-13-06, 10:12
Can you say "White Trash?"

http://www.thedailytimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20061204/NEWS/612040306&SearchID=73265833006433

By the way...they are being charged for their behaviour...and deservedly so.

Benchseats Rock
12-13-06, 13:13
One cannibal says to another cannibal,

"I hate my mother in law"

The other one replies,

"No biggie. Just eat the noodles."

A John
12-16-06, 07:25
If you see a fat man... Who's jolly and cute, wearing a beard
and a red flannel suit, and if he is chuckling and laughing away,
while flying around in a miniature sleigh with eight tiny reindeer
to pull him along, then let's face it...

Your eggnog's too strong!

A John
12-16-06, 11:14
A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she
Wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below her bikini
Line.
She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good. The woman then
Instructs him to put a Santa tattoo with "Merry Christmas" up on her
Left thigh.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking good, too. As the woman is
Getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist asks, "If you don't mind,
Could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your
Thighs?"

She says "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that
there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

A John
12-17-06, 18:27
A blast from the past
Dean Martin & Foster Brooks
I thought maybe someone would like this one

Click here: YouTube - Dean Martin & Foster Brooks

(if this link doesn't work trying to one below)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J3UDCoQnXjA

Double Nickle
12-18-06, 08:34
Why did the blonde ask her gynecologist for birth control pills?

Somebody told her that she was fucking herself.

Double Nickle

A John
12-19-06, 13:45
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow
goes into her breast. They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as
your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is
as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."

Headfirst
12-21-06, 01:19
A man walks into a brothel and approaches a beautiful Oriental prostitute and asks? "Is it true Asian women have vaginas that run sideways?"

"Why?" she asks, "Are you a harmonica player?"

Headfirst
12-21-06, 01:23
"Top 20 Signs She's Getting Bored Having Sex With You"

20. After you request sex she replies, "Wait 'til the
Nyquil kicks in."

19. Gets very upset when the ashtray falls off your butt.

18. Actually answers when you ask "Who's your daddy?"

17. Last time she screamed during sex was the first time she won at solitaire.

16. Only moans during commercial breaks.

15. Starts her fake orgasms during foreplay.

14. Keeps trying to set you up with her friends.

13. Runs for vacant Senate seat in New York.

12. You are currently sitting backstage at the Springer show.

11. Beginning to think she is only "playing" dead.

10. During the act, she actually yelled out, "Oh, Baby, Yadda, Yadda,Yadda."

9. Has suddenly started making you pay in advance.

8. Her moans of delight discovered to actually be a .wav file.

7. Instead of asking to leave her shirt on, she wants to leave her pants on too.

6. Keeps asking "Are you SURE you're not gay?"

5. Boredom? So that's why she keeps deflating!

4. Holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold to hurry you along.

3. Asks to be on top so she can balance her checkbook better.

2. She yells out her own name.

1. Bangs her head on the headboard BEFORE you begin.

Muffbuster69
12-26-06, 15:58
Bad Humor
How A Xmas Tradition Began



When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular elves, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.


Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mother was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.


When he went to harness the reindeer, Santa found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.


Then, when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.


Frustrated, Santa went into the house of a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink.


In his frustration, Santa accidentally dropped the cider pot, breaking it into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.


He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.


Just then, the doorbell rang and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened it, and there was a little angel with a great big Xmas tree.


The angel cheerfully said, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to sick it?


And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Xmas tree.

Muffbuster69
12-27-06, 08:44
Bad Humor
Keep That Old Motor Running



It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl.


After a year she went into the hospital to give birth.


The nurse came out to congratulate the old man. "This is amazing," she said. "How did you do it at your age?"


"Simple," he answered. "You've got to keep that old motor running!"


The following year she gave birth again.


The same nurse said to the old man, "You really are amazing. How do you do it?"


"Simple," he replied. "You've got to keep the old motor running!"


The following year she again gave birth.


The nurse said, "You must be quite a man!"


"You've just got to keep that old motor running!" said the old man.


"Well, you had better change the oil," said the nurse. "This one's Chinese..."

Muffbuster69
12-28-06, 08:57
Bad Humor
The Army Physical



A reserve troop was called up for duty and went in for his physical wearing a truss. With a little convincing acting, he got his papers marked M.E. for Medically Exempt.


Afterward a friend who was also called up, borrowed the truss to wear for his physical.


At the end of the examination the doctor stamped M.E. on his papers.


"Does that mean I'm medically exempt?" he asked.


"No," answered the doctor. "M.E. stands for Middle East. Anyone who can wear a truss upside down can certainly ride a camel."

Benchseats Rock
12-29-06, 22:54
What do Saddam Hussein and Ron Jeremy have in common?

They're both well hung.


And now for the headlines:

Saddam Hussein officially starts his homosexual relationship with Satan

Tired of waiting...Saddam at the end of his rope.

Jesus: "Hey Saddam, wanna hang out?"

Castro's doctors give Saddam a clean bill of health

In other news, virgins in Heaven are crying today. Short straw gets Saddam.

Saddam dead. Iraqi Information Minister confirms report, saying, "Saddam is not dead"

Saddam Hussein: taller, quieter.

Saddam killed by Weapon Of Singular Destruction

Saddam Hussein dead. Gallows humor still alive and well

Saddam, Does your body hang low? Does it wobble too and fro?

Mass suicide leaves 72 virgins dead

Member #1381
01-01-07, 10:35
The history of Jack Schitt...

Funny as hell.

http://home.pacbell.net/diana_do/knowjack.htm

Clixxx
01-01-07, 14:04
http://www.ifilm.com/ifilmdetail/2673381/share

Tis a funny link.

Blind date with a crack *****

Bad Bad Boy
01-03-07, 22:14
Some Redneck Etiquette Rules

***IN GENERAL***
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.


***DINING OUT***

1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.


***ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME***

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.


***PERSONAL HYGIENE***

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods


***DATING (Outside the Family)***

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 pm; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.


***WEDDINGS***
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.


***DRIVING ETIQUETTE***

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.


***TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER***

1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.

Chevy 68
01-04-07, 01:09
What is the smallest motel in the world?

The pussy, you have to leave your bags outside.

Muffbuster69
01-04-07, 20:51
Bad Humor
At The Restaurant



My wife and I were sitting in a fine restaurant when my wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor. She kept glancing over at him throughout the meal.


Finally, I said, "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"


"Yes," she replied. "He's my ex-husband, and he's been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."


I said, "That's remarkable. I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."


She hasn't spoken to me since.

Headfirst
01-05-07, 00:07
Q. Why does a one-story brothel make more money than a two-story brothel?
A. Because there's no fu**ing overhead

Muffbuster69
01-05-07, 08:23
Bad Humor
Mistakes

"Pastor, is it right for a man to profit from the mistakes of another?" asked a parishioner.


"Definitely not," answered his preacher.


"Are you absolutely certain?" asked the man.


"Yes, my son. Absolutely certain," said the pastor.


"Well, in that case, would you mind returning the money I gave you for my wedding last year?"

Chevy 68
01-05-07, 14:05
What is the difference between light and hard? You can sleep with a light on but you can't sleep with a hard on.

Headfirst
01-08-07, 23:26
Two European business dudes returned to the Tokyo whorehouse they had visited earlier in a state of great rage.

"I was here last week and caught a case of the clap!" he shouted at the
mamasan.

"Toyota," said the mamasan.

"What the hell does that mean, Toyota?" asked the enraged customer.

She smiled and said, "You asked for it, you got it!"

Headfirst
01-09-07, 17:52
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY !

"It is better to have loved and lost than to have paid for it and not liked it."

(Editorial Note: Of course, who hasn't paid big time on occassion for a love that was lost?!)

Double Nickle
01-11-07, 12:32
Hello,,,

This is said at the front door often wearing bra & miniskirt, no panties.

You been here before?

You want Massagee? Always pronounce the e in massage as long e. $60 house She's not in real estate. This is just the entry/door charge.

Wow, you very strong. When she comes back to the room and sees you naked. You may be a runt. It means you have a big penis. Not all girls say this (or maybe it is just they don't all say it to me).

You want shower? Meaning a table shower.

Ulie Facedown Username of an esteemed RI member. Also position to assume.

Turnover Not the dessert pastry. Roll over, rover.

You like? (as she gently touches penis) Say no and say bye bye to extras.

Get up Off the shower table so she can towell you off [repeat Ulie Facedown, Turnover for massage]

What you Want? If you just look stupid, easy for some of us, you may get:

You want Everything? Meaning at least CBJ and FS.

Upayminow Not a town in Pennsylvania. She wants you to pay her now.

More Ante up, you cheap bastard.

Over? Not the end. She wants to know if you want a turn on top.

You pop? She's not asking if you're a father. Have you come/cum yet?

I'll be back An Arnold Schwarzenegger imitation or she's getting a hot towel.

You come back see me soon You're so lucky having sexy me service you.

Bye Bye He likes me, he really likes me. Sally Fields move over.

K-girls speak their 2nd or 3rd language much better than we mongers speak our first. Monger responses: um, Hi,, um, yes, um, OK, um, thanks..55

LoveLOS
01-11-07, 22:54
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY !

"It is better to have loved and lost than to have paid for it and not liked it."

(Editorial Note: Of course, who hasn't paid big time on occassion for a love that was lost?!)It is better to have paid for it and sent it home than to have loved and lost.

LoveLOS

Chevy 68
01-12-07, 02:59
Why do women have legs? So they don't leave snail marks in the sand.

Laylo5
01-12-07, 08:51
Today being me and the Mrs. wedding anniversary and it was 3 pm already and I had forgot all about it she said I'm going shopping and when I get home there better be a big box in the driveway with something that goes 0-200in 6 seconds.Well later when she arrived there it was,she couldnt wait so she tore into the box and found a set of bathroom scales. Shes my ex-wife now.

Bad Bad Boy
01-12-07, 13:13
Men Strike Back !

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.-

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to
the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."

Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy .

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Chevy 68
01-14-07, 18:02
God created woman perfect from the waist up, from the waist down was man made by an italian, who else would put a shit house next to a snack bar.

Headfirst
01-14-07, 20:28
A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray.

"And what will your third wish be? "

The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet? "

"You have had two wishes already, " the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left. "

"Okay, " said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I've always wanted to understand women. I'd love to know what's going on inside their heads. "

"Sheesh! I wish you'd make up your mind, " said the genie as he granted his wish and disappeared forever, "That was your first wish, too! "

Bad Bad Boy
01-15-07, 19:39
As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember ...


1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."


2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.


3. The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.


4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.


5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.


6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.


7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.


8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.


9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.


10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."


11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.


12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."


13. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.


14. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.

Headfirst
01-15-07, 20:54
Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.

One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up.

Suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by. Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear? "

Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some. "Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself, " Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes. When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it, old girl? "

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck 'em' dry. "

The policeman fainted.

A John
01-17-07, 14:20
The World's Shortest Books:
***********************
FRENCH WAR HEROES
by Jacques Chirac
______________________________________


THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY

by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan.
Illustrated by Michael Moore
________________________________________

MY BEAUTY SECRETS
by Janet Reno _________________________________________________

ALL THE WOMEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE

by Barney Frank (D-Mass) ____________________________________________

MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS &
HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA

by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton
_______________________________________

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
by Hillary Clinton
_________________________________

Sequel:
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
By Bill Clinton
___________________________________

MY LITTLE BOOK OF
PERSONAL HYGIENE
by Osama Bin Laden
___________________________________

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates
____________________________________

THINGS I WOULD NOT
DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman
__________________________________

THINGS I KNOW TO BE TRUE
by Al Gore & John Kerry
_______________________________________

AMELIA EARHART'S

GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
___________________________________

A COLLECTION of
MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by Dr. J Kevorkian
________________________________

ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE
by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnel
_________________________________

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike Tyson
______________________________________

DELICIOUS SPOTTED
OWL RECIPES
b y PETA
__________________________________

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

_______________________________________

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O.J. Simpson
_________________________________________

HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES
by Ted Kennedy
___________________________________

MY BOOK OF MORALS

by Bill Clinton with introduction by The Rev. Jesse Jackson

Mundane
01-17-07, 16:59
Lies I've told the American People
by George W. Bush

Ways to Steal from the American TaxPayer
by Haliburton Press

Buckshot Removal for Dummies
by Dick Cheney

I'm the Most Arrogant, Deluded Prick in the World
by Rush Limbaugh

No, I'm the Most Arrogant, Deluded Prick in the World
by Donald Rumsfeld

and a children's book:

What does "deluded" mean?
by George W. Bush

A John
01-17-07, 17:34
[QUOTE=Crash11]
No, I'm the Most Arrogant, Deluded Prick in the World
by Donald Rumsfeld

I met Joe Theismann he takes the cake

Headfirst
01-17-07, 21:00
The young hooker reports for her first day at the brothel. The madam says to her, "Do you have any questions?"

The hooker replies, " Yes, I was wondering how long penises should be sucked?" The madam says, "The same as the short ones."

Headfirst
01-17-07, 21:06
There is a morning radio show where the host calls a husband and asks three questions, next the host calls the wife and asks the same questions. If she answers the same as her husband did, then the couple wins a prize. The story goes as follows.

First, the host called the husband.

Host: "How often do you have sex?"
Husband: "3 times a week"
Host: "When is the last time you had sex?"
Husband: "This morning."
Host: "Where?"
Husband: "In the kitchen."

Then the host called the wife, while leaving the husband connected.

Host: "How often do you have sex?"
Wife: "3 times a week."
Host: "When is the last time you had sex?"
Wife: "This morning."
Host: "Where?"
The wife hesitates...
Husband (intervening): "Go ahead Honey, its OK."
Wife (sheepishly): "In the ass...."

Chevy 68
01-17-07, 22:15
What do you call an Iraq hooker?

Sandy

A John
01-18-07, 08:56
A woman walks into an accountant's office and
tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need
to ask you a few questions." He gets her name,
address, social security number, etc. and then asks,
"What is your occupation?"

"I'm a wh*re," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken back and says,
"No, No, No. That won't work. Let's try to rephrase
that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says,
"I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming
have to do with being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last
year."

"Chicken Farmer it is."

Member #5805
01-18-07, 18:22
A young couple got married. On their honeymoon, they were very anxious about having sex because they were both virgins. Because of their sexual inexperience, they were a bit uncomfortable discussing the subject so they came up with the term "doing the laundry" to use in place of "having sex."
This made them both more comfortable with the whole concept. Well, the first night of their honeymoon was wonderful. They "did the laundry" 5 times that first night. In the middle of the night the new husband woke up, and he was ready to do the laundry again. He gently shook his new wife and asked her, "Can we do the laundry again?" but she was very tired.
She told him that she just couldn't do it again just yet. Maybe in the morning. A few hours later the new wife awoke feeling very guilty. What he had asked for wasn't unreasonable, and she decided she should go ahead and "do the laundry" with him again.
She gently shook him and said, "Honey, I'm sorry I denied you... We can do the laundry again if you want,"
He replied, "That's ok... It was a small load... I did it by hand."

KC Questor
01-18-07, 20:13
There is a morning radio show where the host calls a husband and asks three questions, next the host calls the wife and asks the same questions. If she answers the same as her husband did, then the couple wins a prize. The story goes as follows.

First, the host called the husband.

Host: "How often do you have sex?"
Husband: "3 times a week"
Host: "When is the last time you had sex?"
Husband: "This morning."
Host: "Where?"
Husband: "In the kitchen."

Then the host called the wife, while leaving the husband connected.

Host: "How often do you have sex?"
Wife: "3 times a week."
Host: "When is the last time you had sex?"
Wife: "This morning."
Host: "Where?"
The wife hesitates...
Husband (intervening): "Go ahead Honey, its OK."
Wife (sheepishly): "In the ass...."

See here for more on this story:

http://www.snopes.com/radiotv/tv/newlywed.asp

Baltimonger
01-18-07, 20:39
The World's Shortest Books:
***********************
FRENCH WAR HEROES
by Jacques Chirac
______________________________________




Reminds me of a long-standing prank on google's search engine. Go to www.google.com enter french military victories into the search engine, then hit "I'm feeling lucky".

Try it with liar & failure too.

Headfirst
01-19-07, 00:08
Euphemisms for Penis Enlargement Surgery:

Genetalial Pinocchiotomy

Expanding Drilling Operations in Your
Wildlife Preserve

Doubling the Interest Rate on Your Mutual Fun

Peter Padding

Plumping the Ball Park Frank

Expanding Your "Top 5" to a "Top 9"

Replacing Richard II with Richard III

Puffin' the Magic Dragon

Supersizing Big Mac

Adding a Wing to the Sexual Addiction Unit

Putting the Munchkin on Stilts

Trading in the Escort for a Stretch Limo

Getting a Magic Johnson

Preparing to Boldly Go Where No Manhood has
Gone Before

Turning Crouching Tiger into Hidden Dragon

Upgrading Passenger Johnson to First Class

Taking the Train from Vienna to Frankfurt

A John
01-19-07, 16:26
1) Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

Ask your mother.
____________________________________________

2) How do you embarrass an archeologist?

Give him a tampon and ask him which period it came
from.
____________________________________________

3) What's the difference between a who** and a bit**?

A who** sleeps with everybody at the party; A bit**
sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
____________________________________________

4) What's the difference between love, true love, and
showing off?

Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.

____________________________________________

5) What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a
Jewish wife?

A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
____________________________________________

6) What makes men chase women they have no intention
of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have
no intention of driving.
____________________________________________

7) What is the biggest problem for an atheist?

No one to talk to during orgasm.
____________________________________________

8) What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a
horse's ass?

A mechanic .
____________________________________________

9) Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?

The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand
and a dozen donuts.
____________________________________________

10) Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?

The one who can eat that last donut.

____________________________________________

11) Jewish dilemma:

Free PORK.
____________________________________________

12) The three words men hate to hear most during sex:

"Are you in?"
____________________________________________

13) The three words women hate to hear most during sex:

"Honey, I'm home!"

Headfirst
01-21-07, 21:05
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?" She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" He said, "I want 5 loaves.

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard" He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this shit but me."

Headfirst
01-21-07, 21:10
A guy thought his wife was cheating on him. He waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her, he found out she was working in a wh*re house. The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $100?"

The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?"

The guy replies that all the cabbie has to do is go inside the wh*re house, grab his wife, put her in the back of the cab, and take them home.

The cabbie goes in. A couple of minutes later, the wh*re house door gets kicked open, and the cabbie starts dragging out this woman who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab. The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here! Hold her!"

The man looks down at the girl and yells to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE!"

The cabbie replied, "I KNOW. IT'S MINE I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!"

Headfirst
01-23-07, 22:30
Rodney saved for years and years for his dream vacation - a weekend in Nevada, where prostitution was legal. However, since he worked for barely minimum wage, the years stretched into decades and he was ninety-one when he got off the bus in Reno in front of a glitzy bordello. Rodney tottered up to the front desk.

"Isn't this Reno's famous Pleasure Palace?" he asked.

"Why, yes," replied the incredulous receptionist. "How may I help you?"

"Don't you have the most beautiful girls in town lined up and waiting?" Rodney inquired. The receptionist nodded in the affirmative. "Well, I'm here to get some," Rodney said.

"How old are you, Pops?" she asked bluntly.

"I'm ninety-one."

"Ninety-one! Pops, you've had it."

"Oh, really?" A disconcerted look passed over the old man's face as his trembling fingers reached for his wallet. "What do I owe you?"

A John
01-24-07, 07:18
A redneck family from the hills was visiting the
city and they were in a mall for the first time in
their lives. The father and son were strolling around
while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost
everything they saw, but especially by two shiny,
silver walls that could move apart and then slide back
together again. The boy asked, "Paw, what's that?"

The father (never having seen an elevator)
responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen nuttin'
like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with
amazement, an overweight, elderly lady in a wheel chair rolled up
to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls
opened and the lady rolled between them into a small
room. The walls closed and the boy and his father
watched the small circular number above the walls
light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last
number and then the numbers began to light in the
reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a
gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old blonde woman stepped
out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young
woman, said quietly to his son,
"Boy...go gitcha Momma."

A John
01-24-07, 07:31
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.


The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

PsyberZombie
01-24-07, 16:54
A dyslexic guy walks into a bra .....

Headfirst
01-26-07, 19:40
There are over 11,000 male urologists in the US. But now a few women have entered the field.

I went to a female urologist for an exam. She was rather attractive, even in her doctor's coat. You could see she had nice perky ta-ta's. She said, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say 99."

I did as the doctor instructed and said, "99".

Next, the doctor says, "Great. Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say 99."

Again, I said, "99."

The doctor said, "Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I am going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I am going to hold on to your penis.

Now take a deep breath and say 99."

I said slowly, "One. . . two. . . three."

Headfirst
01-26-07, 19:56
A man was complaining to a friend, "I had it all - money, a magnificent house, a fast car, the love of a beautiful woman. Then, poof! It was all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend. The man replied, "My wife found out!"

PsyberZombie
01-27-07, 09:56
A man was complaining to a friend, "I had it all - money, a magnificent house, a fast car, the love of a beautiful woman. Then, poof! It was all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend. The man replied, "My wife found out!"


Oh , Man ... how could you butcher such a simple Joke ??

Here's the correct version =

http://www.usasexguide.info/forum/showpost.php?p=419386&postcount=26

Headfirst
01-28-07, 19:22
Q: Why do women have faces?

A: So you know which pussy is yours.

Headfirst
01-28-07, 19:26
The Boss was in quandary. He had to fire somebody. He had it narrowed down to one of two people, Debi or Jack. It was an impossible decision, they were both super workers.

Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debi came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The Boss approached her and said: "Debi, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off?" she said, "I feel like shit.

A John
01-30-07, 15:55
Mildred, 93, was despondent over the
recent death of her husband Earl,
so she decided to just kill herself
and join him in death.

Thinking it would be best to get it
over with quickly, she took out Earl's old
Army pistol and made the decision to
shoot herself in the heart since it was
so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become
a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called
her doctor's office to learn her heart's exact location.

"Since you're a woman,"
the doctor said,
"your heart is just below your left breast.
Why do you ask?"

She hung up without answering.

Later that night,
Mildredwas admitted to the hospital
with a gunshot wound to her knee.

PsyberZombie
01-31-07, 10:14
Q. What's the difference between a man and a government Bond ??

A. The Bond eventually matures


Q. What's the difference between a woman and a government Bond ??

A. The Bond is worth something when it matures

A John
01-31-07, 13:26
A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're
sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this
really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited
she
gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one. After a
while
he gives in and lets her order the drink for him.

The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar-A
saltshaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice. The boyfriend
looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.

"First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot
of
Baileys and hold it in you mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice."

So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He
puts
the salt on his tongue-salty but OK. He drinks the shot of Baileys the
smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks - this is OK.

Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it
... In one second the sharp lime taste hits...
... At two seconds the Baileys curdles
... At three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits.

This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to
disappoint
his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink.

When he finally chkes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says,
"Jesus,
what do you call that drink?"

She smiles widely at him and says, "Blow Job Revenge.

A John
02-01-07, 06:28
This guy goes out with his buddies for a night on the town
and they cap off the festivities by going to a house of
ill repute.

A week later, the guy visits his doctor complaining of a
large green lump on his penis. The doctor does a thorough
exam, then pulls down a weighty medical book and flicks
through it till he finds what he's looking for.

He looks up and says, "I'm afraid this is serious.
We'll have to operate!"

"Operate?", exclaims the fellow, "Why, Doc? What's the problem?"

"Well, you know how boxers can get a cauliflower ear?
You've developed the same sort of thing. You've got a brothel sprout!"

Kirstyforme
02-01-07, 12:44
A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.

Headfirst
02-02-07, 00:08
On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?

In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son, woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.

And there he also met the Mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row." The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"

The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?" Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row,then I will bring everybody back to perfect health."

Then the young fellow asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"

A John
02-02-07, 18:56
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast! implants and Vi agra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

A John
02-02-07, 19:00
The Navy decides to offer early-retirement bonuses to its personnel. The rule is that a volunteer picks two spots on his body and gets $1,000 for every inch in between.

One officer asks to be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He is 6 feet 4 inches tall and so gets $76,000. A second, smarter, officer asks to be measured from the tip of his raised hand to his toes. He gets $96,000.

The third officer is a grizzled old captain. Measure me from the tip of my penis to my testicles, he demands. The medical officer in charge explains that this might not be very profitable.But the captain insists.

He drops trousers, and the medical officer places the tape measure on the tip of the captain penis and begins to work back. My God! the medical officer gasps, where are your testicles?

The captain replies, in Vietnam.

Headfirst
02-03-07, 22:14
A man picked up an attractive woman who flagged down his car in a seedy part of town. As they rode, he asked her what she did for a living.

She winked at him and said, "I'm a magician."

"No way," he scoffed. 'Prove it."

So she touched him on the thigh, and he turned into a motel.

Headfirst
02-04-07, 23:06
Q: Whats happens when a wh*re house catches fire?
A: Some come out running and some run out coming!

Headfirst
02-06-07, 22:51
While at his doctor's trying to figure out why he felt bad and had no energy, Jim finally admitted that he was probably worn down from too much sex.

"How much are we talking about here Jim"? His doctor asks.

"Well I cannot stop myself, and must have it at least twenty times a day or I am not able to sleep at night", Jim reports.

"My God Jim, that is way more then any man should be doing! Just look at how sick it has already made you. You must slow down to a normal pace or it is going to kill you"!

So taking his Doctors advice, Jim does indeed slow down and begins to feel much better. However Jim's addiction to sex is more then he can control, and within weeks he finds himself completely back out of control, and doing it thirty, and forty times a day. It did not take long for Jim to end up in the hospital with his Doctor telling him that he is now going to die, and there is nothing he can do for him. I warned you that it would kill you if you did not slow down, he said. All I can do know is to ask you if you have any last wishes?

Jim says, "Yes Doctor, I do! I want you to promise me that when I die you will make sure I get cremated."

The Doctor agrees.

Jim continues, "Then I want you to promise me that you will take my ashes, mix them up into a douche, and run me through one last time!"

A John
02-07-07, 06:57
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?" he says solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" Lowering herself into a chair beside him the wife says "Yes, I remember." The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?" She replies softly, "I remember that too."

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says.......... "I would have gotten out today."

A John
02-07-07, 17:48
Q. What is the difference between a drug
dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it
again.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off
a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own
name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and
a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice
safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the
sheep that kick.

Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it
alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in
common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in
common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q.What is the difference between "ooooooh"and
"aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.

Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.

Q: What's the difference between purple and
pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist
colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend
and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend
and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye
contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is
the bird of true love?
A.The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and
rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get
up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch.

A John
02-07-07, 18:01
A little Mexican boy goes into the kitchen where his mom is baking. He puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over his face. "Mom, look, I'm a white boy. His mom slaps him in the face and says "Go show your father".

He goes to his dad in the living room and says "Look dad, I'm a white boy. His dad slaps him hard in the face and says "Go show your grandmother".

The boy goes in his grandmothers room and says "Mira abuelita, I'm a white boy" His grandmother slaps him in the face and sends him back to his mother.

His mother says, "See did you learn anything from that?"

The boy replies, "Sure did. I have only been white for five minutes and I already don't like you Mexicans."

A John
02-08-07, 20:41
An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along.
When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need

a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."


The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?"

"What did he say? What's he want?"

His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."

Headfirst
02-08-07, 22:29
What are the four worst things about being an egg?
1. You only get hard once
2. You only get laid once
3. You only get eaten once
4. And the only one who sits on your face is your mother

Headfirst
02-08-07, 22:33
My wife and two other women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives. One woman said, "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does."

The second woman giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."

My wife quietly sipped her whiskey until one of her friend's asked, "So, what do you call your husband?"

She frowned and said, "The postman."

"Why the postman?"

"Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box."

A John
02-09-07, 17:42
Two boys are playing football in the park of a small town in Texas .. Suddenly, one of the boys is attacked by a crazed Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes a stick and shoves it under the dog's collar and twists it. Breaking the dog's neck, he saves his friend.

A sports reporter who was strolling by sees the incident and rushes over to interview the boy. He tells the boy he's going to write the story. I'll title it 'Young Longhorn Fan Saves Friend from Vicious Animal'... he said.

"But I'm not a Longhorn fan," the little hero replies. "Sorry, since we're in Texas , I just assumed you were," says the reporter and he starts writing again.

He asks,"How does "'Aggie Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack'...sound?"
"I'm not an Aggie fan either," the boy says. "Oh, I thought everyone in Texas was either for
the Aggie or the Longhorns. What team do you root for?", the reporter asks.


"I'm just visiting my cousin, I'm an OU fan," the boy replies.... "They're just the best!"
The reporter smiles, starts a new sheet in his notebook, and writes:

"Little Red-necked Bastard From Oklahoma Kills Beloved Family Pet!

A John
02-09-07, 21:46
1. MONICA LEWINSKI

2. O. J. SIMPSON

3. TED KENNEDY

4. BILL CLINTON



WHY YOU ASK? Well, you're going to love this!



1. MONICA IS A HOOKER

2. O. J. IS A SLICER

3. TED CAN'T DRIVE OVER WATER , AND

4. BILL CAN'T REMEMBER WHICH HOLE HE PLAYED LAST

A John
02-10-07, 23:04
1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts ARE just missing.
10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine. 12.. God must love stupid people; there are so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18.. Procrastinate Now!
19. Liberal Arts Degree; Do You Want Fries with That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was taken.
24..He who dies with the most toys is, nonetheless, DEAD.
25..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26..Ham and eggs A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for the pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28.. The original "point and click" was a Smith & Wesson.
29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

A John
02-12-07, 05:47
A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming, goes into the
doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and
says,"I am not going to beat around the bush, You have AIDS."

The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and says,"Doc,
what
can I do?"

The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of
spicy
sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot
sauce,10
Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts
cereal,
and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."

The cowboy squares his rugged shoulders and asks,"Will that cure
me, Doc?"

"No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what
your ass is for."

A John
02-12-07, 21:29
A Catholic Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was
leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the
natives, when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and
says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The Priest pleased
with the response.

They walk a little farther and he points to a rock and says, "This
is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when
he hears a rustling in the bushes.

As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the
midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a
bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and
kills them.

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent
years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other,
so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?


The chief replied, "My bike."

Headfirst
02-13-07, 14:04
A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to bed. So, both go to their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber. The man called over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely." So the woman gets out of bed and crosses her room to the husband. On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face. The husband with a concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?" The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two have passionate sex and afterwards the women rolls out. As she is returning to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face. The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says, "Clumsy b!tch!"

Headfirst
02-13-07, 14:07
One day, when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word "penis" in tiny letters. She turned to the class, scanned the boys and girls, looking for the guilty face. Finding not a guilty face in the bunch, she quickly erased the blackboard and began her class.

The next day, the teacher went into the classroom and noticed, in larger letters this time, the word "penis" scrolled on the blackboard. Again, she looked around the classroom in vain for the culprit, but found none. And so, the teacher erased the blackboard and proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning, for about a week, the teacher went into the classroom and found the same word written on the blackboard, each day, scrolled larger than the previous day.

Finally, one day, the teacher walked into the classroom expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board. Instead, she found scrolled on the blackboard:

"The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"

Just Me 69
02-14-07, 10:09
A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts." She looked a little puzzled but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick! Bring me another beer. It's gonna start."

This time she looked a little angry but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another one". "That's it!!" She blows her top...."You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and expect me to run around like your slave getting you beer. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed, and said, "Oh shit! it's started."

PsyberZombie
02-14-07, 10:31
10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk but the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.

9. Our love will never become cold and hollow Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.

8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store, in hopes that, later, you'd be my whøre.

7. This feels so good, it feels so right I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.

6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.

5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished But now I'm fulfilled SO MAKE ME A SANDWICH!

4. Through all the things that came to pass, our love has grown... but so has your ass.

3. You're a honey... and you're a cutie, I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty."

2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny so, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!

1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister, you should check out the one that I gave to your sister!

Just Me 69
02-14-07, 12:49
The Eternal Optimist

Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad situation he would always say ''It could have been worse.'' His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe could come up with a bright side.

So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for a golf date.

Joe asked, ''Where's Gary?''

And one of his friends said, ''Didn't you hear? Yesterday, Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.''

Joe says,''Well it could have been worse.''

Both his friends said, ''How in hell could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!''

Joe says, ''If it had happened two days ago, I'd be dead now!''

Just Me 69
02-14-07, 12:52
DUI

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over and asks, "Where have you been?"
"I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few."

"I did alright," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

A John
02-14-07, 22:52
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.

She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.

He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his weenie hanging out.

"I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said.

"I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

A John
02-14-07, 23:04
I recently picked a new primary care physician.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said
I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't
resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and
barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is
very unhealthy."

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing
golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or
have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit?"

Just Me 69
02-15-07, 09:18
Subject: Don't Thank Me!

It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia (coli bacteria found in fieces) (1 kilo = 2 1/2 pounds) In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop! However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, Whiskey, vodka, beer or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a Distillation process of boiling, filtering & fermenting. It is better to drink wine & talk shit than to drink water & Be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information, I am doing it as a public service.

A John
02-15-07, 13:26
A drunken man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained; his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"


The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and a lack of bathing."


The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be",and then returned to his paper.


The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come o n so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"


The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

A John
02-16-07, 06:54
This is for those of us who are trying to lose weight...

Calories burned during sex:

REMOVING HER CLOTHES
With her consent...................... 12 Calories
Without her consent................. 2187 Calories

OPENING HER BRA
With both hands....................... 8 Calories
With one hand.......................... 12 Calories
With your teeth......................... 485 Calories

PUTTING ON A CONDOM
With an erection........................ 6 Calories
Without an erection.................... 3315 Calories

POSITIONS
Missionary................................. 12 Calories
69 lying down............................. 78 Calories
69 standing up........................... 812 Calories
Weelbarrow............................... 216 Calories
Doggy Style.............................. 326 Calories
Italian Chandelier....................... 2912 Calories

ORGASMS
Real......................................... 112 Calories
Fake......................................... 1315 Calories

POST ORGASM
Lying in bed hugging................... 18 Calories
Getting up immediately............... 36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately............ 816 Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION
If you are:
20-29 years.............................. 36 Calories
30-39 years.............................. 80 Calories
40-49 years.............................. 124 Calories
50-59 years..............................1972 Calories
60-69 years.............................. 7916 Calories
70 and over.........................Results still pending

DRESSING AFTERWARDS
Calmly...................................... 32 Calories
In a hurry.................................. 98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door...... 5218 Calories
With her husband knocking at the door.... 8775 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door......... 13521 Calories


RESULTS MAY VARY

Just Me 69
02-16-07, 14:04
Two fleas from Maine had an agreement to meet every winter in Miami for a vacation. Last year when one flea got to Miami, he was all blue, shivering and shaking, damn near frozen to death! The other flea asked him, "What the hell happened to you?"

The first flea said, "I rode down here in the mustache of a guy on a Harley."

The other flea said," That's the worst way to travel. Try what I do. Go to the Metro airport bar and look for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and nestle in where it's warm and cozy. It's the best way to travel that I can think of."

The first flea thanked the second flea and said he would give it a try next winter. A year went by. When the first flea again showed up in Miami once more he was all blue, shivering and shaking again and damn near frozen to death.

The second flea asked him, "Didn't you try what I told you?"

Yes," said the first flea, "I did exactly as you said. I went to the Metro airport bar and this nice young stewardess came in. I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm that I fell asleep immediately. When I woke up, I was back in the mustache of the guy on the Harley..."

A John
02-16-07, 19:31
Memory was something you lost with age.
An application was for employment.
A program was a TV show.
A cursor used profanity.
A keyboard was a piano.
A web was a spider's
home.
A virus was the flu.
A CD was a bank account.
A hard drive was a long trip on the road.
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived.
And if you had a 3 inch floppy. .

. . . you just hoped nobody ever found out!

A John
02-16-07, 22:29
After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have it with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in August and the second time is in January."

Headfirst
02-18-07, 23:41
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub!"