Jokes & Humorous Stories [Archive] - Page 9

Member #4376

07-13-10, 10:41

Yep, I F'ed it up. LOL! That's what I get for posting at midnight!You mean DRUNK at midnight <just kidding>

Here's an obligatory joke:

There are these two friends, Jim and Greg. One evening, they're in a bar arguing over which of them can have sex the most times in one night. They decide to settle the issue by going to the local whorehouse and gathering experimental evidence, as it were.

So they get to the whorehouse, pair off with a couple of the ladies, and go to their respective rooms. Greg energetically balls his ***** and, reaching up with a pencil, makes a "| " mark on the wall. Then he falls asleep.

He wakes up in a couple of hours and screws the ***** again, albeit a little less enthusiastically this time. Again, he reaches back and marks a " | " on the wall. Again, he falls asleep.

He wakes up again in a couple of hours and lethargically humps the hooker again. He drowsily marks another " | " on the wall and falls asleep for the rest of the night.

The next morning, Jim barges into Greg's room to see how he did. He takes one look at the wall and exclaims, "A hundred and eleven?! You beat me by three!"

Gdlint

07-17-10, 17:43

Movies that could have been improved with Mel Gibson as a script doctor.

Gdlint

07-18-10, 19:34

Movies that could have been improved with Mel Gibson as a script doctor.Oops- This link was supposed to be included with the Mel Gibson joke:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mSIR8ekKx_w&feature=player_embedded

Gdlint

07-19-10, 13:21

"Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a Dog Turd by the clean end. "

Gdlint

07-21-10, 13:34

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nrh9wnqdbTY&feature=player_embedded

A John

07-21-10, 21:07

A preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation --- no one wanted him to leave.

Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the city, stands up and proclaims, ... 'If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'
The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, 'If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!'
More sighs and loud applause.

Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Preacher stays, ... I will give him sex!'

There is total silence. The Preacher, blushing, asks her,

'Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?'
Sadie's 90-year-old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies,

'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said,... 'Fuck him!'

Isn't senility wonderful?

Lurker X

07-26-10, 05:29

An elephant asked a camel, "Why are your breasts on your back?'

'Well,' said the camel, 'I think that's quite an inappropriate question from someone whose dick is on his face.'

A John

07-27-10, 06:17

Two old drunks are sitting in a bar when the first one says,

"Ya know, when I was thirty and got an erection, I couldn't bend
it, even using both hands.
By the time I was forty, I could bend it about ten degrees, if I
tried really hard.
By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about forty five
degrees, no problem.
I'm gonna be sixty next week, and now I can bend it in half with
just one hand."

"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?"

"Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get

Brahmabull

07-27-10, 21:40

Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading.

The girl came up to him and asked, "What do you have under the newspaper?" "A bird," the guy replied.

The girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain.

When the police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this little girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm here."

The police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her, "What did you do to that naked fellow?" After a pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."

LordBlackAdder

07-28-10, 14:01

story from the news that is somewhat humourous.

Temporary Marriage (Marriage is among the traditions of the Prophet Mohammad)

In order to elevate the spiritual atmosphere, create proper psychological conditions and tranquility of mind, the Province of the Quds’eh-Razavi of Khorassan has created centers for temporary marriage (just next door to the shrine) for those brothers who are on pilgrimage to the shrine of our eighth Imam, Imam Reza, and who are far away from their spouses.

To that end, we call on all our sisters who are virgins, who are between the ages of 12 and 35 to cooperate with us. Each of our sisters who signs up will be bound by a two year contract with the province of the Quds’eh-Razavi of Khorassan and will be required to spend at least 25 days of each month temporarily married to those brothers who are on pilgrimage. The period of the contract will be considered as a part of the employment experience of the applicant. The period of each temporary marriage can be anywhere between 5 hours to 10 days. The prices are as follows:

• 5 hour temporary marriage – 50,000 Tomans ($50 US)
• One day temporary marriage – 75,000 Tomans ($75 US)
• Two day temporary marriage – 100,000 Tomans ($100 US)
• Three day temporary marriage – 150,000 Tomans ($150 US)
• Between 4 and 10 day temporary marriage – 300,000 Tomans ($300 US)

Our sisters who are virgins will receive a bonus of 100,000 Tomans ($100 US) for the removal of their hymen.
After the expiration of the two year contract, should our sisters still be under 35 years of age and should they be so inclined, they can be added to the waiting list of those who are seeking long-term temporary marriage. The employed sisters are obligated to donate 5% of their earnings to the Shrine of Imam Reza. We ask that all the sisters who are interested in applying, to furnish two full-length photographs (fully hijabed and properly veiled), their academic diplomas, proof of their virginity and a certificate of good physical and psychological health which they can obtain through the health and human services of the township of their residence. Please forward all compiled material and send to the below address by the 31st of the month of Ordibehesht, 1389 (May 21st, 2010).

Attention: For sisters who are below 14 years of age, a written consent from their fathers or male guardian is required.

If you have not figured it out this is a brothel and the customers are temporarily married to the working girls so that all will be right in the eyes of their religion.

Beereal

07-28-10, 14:23

story from the news that is somewhat humourous.

Temporary Marriage (Marriage is among the traditions of the Prophet Mohammad)

In order to elevate the spiritual atmosphere, create proper psychological conditions and tranquility of mind, the Province of the Quds’eh-Razavi of Khorassan has created centers for temporary marriage (just next door to the shrine) for those brothers who are on pilgrimage to the shrine of* our eighth Imam, Imam Reza, and who are far away from their spouses.

To that end, we call on all our sisters who are virgins, who are between the ages of 12 and 35 to cooperate with us. Each of our sisters who signs up will be bound by a two year contract with the province of the Quds’eh-Razavi of Khorassan and will be required to spend at least 25 days of each month temporarily married to those brothers who are on pilgrimage. The period of the contract will be considered as a part of the employment experience of the applicant. The period of each temporary marriage can be anywhere between 5 hours to 10 days. The prices are as follows:

• 5 hour temporary marriage – 50,000 Tomans ($50 US)
• One day temporary marriage – 75,000 Tomans ($75 US)
• Two day temporary marriage – 100,000 Tomans ($100 US)
• Three day temporary marriage – 150,000 Tomans ($150 US)
• Between 4 and 10 day temporary marriage – 300,000 Tomans ($300 US)

Our sisters who are virgins will receive a bonus of 100,000 Tomans ($100 US) for the removal of their hymen.
After the expiration of the two year contract, should our sisters still be under 35 years of age and should they be so inclined, they can be added to the waiting list of those who are seeking long-term temporary marriage. The employed sisters are obligated to donate 5% of their earnings to the Shrine of Imam Reza. We ask that all the sisters who are interested in applying, to furnish two full-length photographs (fully hijabed and properly veiled), their academic diplomas, proof of their virginity and a certificate of good physical and psychological health which they can obtain through the health and human services of the township of their residence. Please forward all compiled material and send to the below address by the 31st of the month of Ordibehesht, 1389 (May 21st, 2010).

Attention: For sisters who are below 14 years of age, a written consent from their fathers or male guardian is required.

If you have not figured it out this is a brothel and they customers are temporarily married to the working girls so that all will be right in the eyes of their religion.

I'm shocked!!!!

Christians, especially Catholics are much more moral.

TopGun9181

07-28-10, 16:15

This is complete BS!. This is not a brothel its a mosque you [Deleted by Admin].

EDITOR'S NOTE: This report was edited in accordance with the Forum's Zero Tolerance policy regarding reports containing any personal attacks or derogatory comments directed towards another Forum Member or the Forum Membership in general.

story from the news that is somewhat humourous.

Temporary Marriage (Marriage is among the traditions of the Prophet Mohammad)

In order to elevate the spiritual atmosphere, create proper psychological conditions and tranquility of mind, the Province of the Quds’eh-Razavi of Khorassan has created centers for temporary marriage (just next door to the shrine) for those brothers who are on pilgrimage to the shrine of* our eighth Imam, Imam Reza, and who are far away from their spouses.

To that end, we call on all our sisters who are virgins, who are between the ages of 12 and 35 to cooperate with us. Each of our sisters who signs up will be bound by a two year contract with the province of the Quds’eh-Razavi of Khorassan and will be required to spend at least 25 days of each month temporarily married to those brothers who are on pilgrimage. The period of the contract will be considered as a part of the employment experience of the applicant. The period of each temporary marriage can be anywhere between 5 hours to 10 days. The prices are as follows:

• 5 hour temporary marriage – 50,000 Tomans ($50 US)
• One day temporary marriage – 75,000 Tomans ($75 US)
• Two day temporary marriage – 100,000 Tomans ($100 US)
• Three day temporary marriage – 150,000 Tomans ($150 US)
• Between 4 and 10 day temporary marriage – 300,000 Tomans ($300 US)

Our sisters who are virgins will receive a bonus of 100,000 Tomans ($100 US) for the removal of their hymen.
After the expiration of the two year contract, should our sisters still be under 35 years of age and should they be so inclined, they can be added to the waiting list of those who are seeking long-term temporary marriage. The employed sisters are obligated to donate 5% of their earnings to the Shrine of Imam Reza. We ask that all the sisters who are interested in applying, to furnish two full-length photographs (fully hijabed and properly veiled), their academic diplomas, proof of their virginity and a certificate of good physical and psychological health which they can obtain through the health and human services of the township of their residence. Please forward all compiled material and send to the below address by the 31st of the month of Ordibehesht, 1389 (May 21st, 2010).

Attention: For sisters who are below 14 years of age, a written consent from their fathers or male guardian is required.

If you have not figured it out this is a brothel and they customers are temporarily married to the working girls so that all will be right in the eyes of their religion.

Gdlint

07-29-10, 11:12

This IS a joke section right?

I guess we are going to have to get Muslim / Christen / Jewish Joke section?

Gdlint

07-30-10, 13:03

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?. What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered. Is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day. Or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT. Make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?

Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now. What is the moral to this story?

The moral is.

If you don't let a woman have her own way.

Things are going to get ugly.

A John

07-31-10, 06:57

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation
from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid
the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research
shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars,
you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something
back to your community through the United Way ?'

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your
research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness
and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh . . . no, I
didn't know that.'

'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother,
a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable
to support his wife and six children?'

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology,
but is cut off again.

'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died
in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry, I had no idea.'

And the lawyer says, 'So . . . if I didn't give any money
to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?

Slim

07-31-10, 07:11

In this tough economy, anyone is lucky to have employment. If you are employed at RIM, you should be thankful for your RIMjob.

A John

07-31-10, 09:23

I realy miss you..............

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=4594337636743071134#docid=-4733293919754933024

A John

08-03-10, 21:02

Just a little bit of good info.

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. Example, the trade name is Tylenol and it's generic name is Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.< B>

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO...
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them...

A John

08-03-10, 21:06

This morning on the Interstate,
I looked over to my left and there was woman In a brand new
Cadillac Doing 65 mph With her Face up next to her
Rear view mirror Putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away For a couple seconds... to continue shaving
And when I looked back she was Halfway over in my lane,
Still working on that makeup.
As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much;
I dropped My electric shaver Which knocked The donut Out of my other hand.

In all The confusion of tryingTo straighten out the car Using my knees against
The steering wheel, It knocked My Cell Phone Away from my ear Which fell
Into the coffee Between my legs! Splashed, And burned Big Jim and the Twins,
Ruined the damn phone, Soaked my trousers, And disconnected an
Important call. Damn women drivers!

Gdlint

08-05-10, 11:25

I wonder if his pal bearers will have orange fingers?

Gdlint

08-09-10, 15:36

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome.

Both result are fatal.

Gdlint

08-12-10, 15:30

Well, I lost the Trivia Contest during our church's pot-luck dinner last night by 1 point!

Not only did I get the last question wrong, but was immediately asked to leave.

The question was: "Where do women have the curliest hair? "

. Apparently the correct answer is 'Fiji Islands'.

A John

08-15-10, 12:03

Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied
survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me, son." the father shark said to the son shark and they swam
to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins
showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our
fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just
eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit
inside!"

Lurker X

08-15-10, 15:28

Little Johnny asked Mom what 2 words mean that kids at school were using. Pussy and b1tch.

Mom inhaled sharply, but then said: "Oh, that's easy. A pussy is a cat, like our little Chico.

A b1tch is a female dog, like our Sandy."

"Thanks, Mom."

He then found his Dad out in the garage.

"Dad, the guys at school are using words I don't understand."

"What words, son?"

"Pussy and b1tch. I asked Mom, but I don't think she told me the right meanings. "

Dad said: "Son, never ask your mother about these things, ask me instead. Let me explain it like this. "

He pulled a Playboy from his workbench, turned to the centerfold, drew a circle around the pubic area and said: "Son, everything inside the circle is pussy. "

"Okay, Dad. Then what's a b1tch?"

Dad replied: "Everything outside the circle."

A John

08-16-10, 21:05

Just How Hot is it?

Lurker X

08-16-10, 22:16

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.

This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:

Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment?

A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?

A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?

A. Only a smidgen of it.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?

A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the USA economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka.

If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.

If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan or China.

If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.

If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.

If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.

If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in America by:

1) Spending it at yard sales, or

2) Going to ball games, or

3) Spending it on prostitutes, or

4) Beer or

5) Tattoos.

(These are the only American businesses still operating in the USA)

Conclusion:

Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day!

No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.

A John

08-17-10, 19:02

Worm Experiment
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?

A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said,

"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

Gdlint

08-18-10, 18:31

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well.....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips.

When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

A John

08-19-10, 17:52

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says,
"Where in the hell have you been?"

Larry replies,
"I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?!?" she screeched.
"What KIND of tattoo?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my penis,"
he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?!?" she said,
shaking her head in total disgust.
"Why in the world would
an accountant
get a hundred dollar bill tattooed
on his dick?"

"Well, for one, I like to watch my money grow."

"Two, once in a while, I enjoy playing with my money."

"Three, I like how money feels in my hand."

"And, best of all, instead of you going shopping,
you can stay right here at home
and
blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!"

A John

08-28-10, 21:23

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly
gentleman and an elderly lady
struck up a conversation and discovered that
they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed,
they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they
headed to the river to his fishing boat and
started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a
fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

'Do you want to go up or down?'

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt
and pants and made mad passionate love to the man
right there in the boat !

When they finished, the man couldn't believe
what had just happened, but he had just experienced
the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the
river, when soon they came upon another fork in the
river.

He again asked the lady , 'Up or down ?'

There she went again, stripped off her clothes,
and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so
he asked her to go fishing again the next day..

She said yes and there they were the next day,
riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in
river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'

The woman replied, 'Down.'

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman
guided the boat down the river when he came upon
another fork in the river and he asked the
lady, ‘Up or down?'

She replied, 'Up.'

This really confused the gentleman so he asked,

'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked
you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad
passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'

She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing
my hearing aid and I thought the choices were
f---k or drown

Hardlikker

08-28-10, 23:43

What's the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the bath tub? The woman in church has hope in soul while the woman in the bath tub has soap in her hole.

Gdlint

08-30-10, 22:24

http://newsfeed.time.com/2010/08/30/switzerland-confidential-behold-the-legal-sex-drive-thru/?hpt=T2

Lurker X

09-05-10, 08:51

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v81v-hAUSQI&feature=grec_index

Ray Alan

09-05-10, 12:58

What can I say

KC Questor

09-06-10, 01:28

What can I say
I love the Bravo food shows too:

Gail Simmons and Padma Lakshmi

Artificial Red

09-06-10, 04:25

I love the Bravo food shows too:

Gail Simmons and Padma Lakshmi

Gail's breasts are sublime. I wanted to see Amanda get naked this season.

Member #4434

09-06-10, 20:30

The comercial that she did for the fast food joint , is still among my favs . It was as close to soft porn as a guy needs, lol .

A John

09-07-10, 12:54

Honeymoon is over downs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-aljgabrHlk&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Gdlint

09-07-10, 18:28

A new blonde joke?

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free! ' The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try? ' The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he spotted the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement as the blonde struggled mightily and barely managed to flip the gator onto its back.

Then, rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration. Shit! This one's barefoot, too!

LordBlackAdder

09-08-10, 08:45

Scientists no closer to finding right answer to ‘do you think she looks pretty?’

Despite almost a decade of research and millions of pounds of funding, scientists at Loughborough University’s Department of Nuptial Studies have admitted that they have yet to find a satisfactory answer to a question that has vexed married men for centuries: ‘do you think she looks pretty?’.

‘It’s a conundrum that can be sprung on a husband at any time,’ explained lead scientist Michael Stevens, ‘it could arise while watching the television, at the wedding of a friend or relative, or even while trying to look inconspicuous holding a handbag outside the ladies’ changing room in Monsoon. And the reaction caused by a miscalculation can be explosive. It’s no wonder so many of my colleagues prefer to closet themselves away in the less controversial areas of the Large Hadron Collider and human cloning.’

The question, known in scientific circles as Hemmingway’s Slapped Face Conundrum, was initially postulated in 1869 by Professor Theodore Hemmingway, a prominent academic subjected to a scandalous divorce case after replying ‘compared with your countenance, Madam, the Grand Old Man Gladstone is a veritable stunnah.’ Yet it would not be the subject of in-depth study until the then-married Dr Stevens initiated the Nuptial Studies programme in 2001, after a particularly trying morning at home watching the omnibus of Hollyoaks.

Thousands of volunteer couples have since undergone a series of role-play based scenarios to test the efficacy of suitable retorts, but with little success. Results have shown that ‘ooh look at those lovely geraniums’ results in, at best, a frosty silence, and is usually undermined by the male subject’s sudden onset drooling; the catty ‘not in that trouser suit, dear,’ only diverts the wife’s suspicions to other elements of the husband’s proclivities which, when combined with an admission of quite liking Bette Midler, can lead to quiet weeping and suggestions ‘it’s like uncle Kevin all over again’. Meanwhile the low-point of the entire programme followed 2006 testing of the ‘well she’s not as attractive as your sister’ rejoinder, after which the entire lab had to be evacuated.

Despite these setbacks Dr Stevens is confident that his work will continue. ‘There’s an entire universe of loaded questions we need to explore,’ he insisted, ‘this work won’t be completed until man can be secure in answering the other big questions like ‘does this make me look fat?’, ‘if I died would you re-marry?’ and ‘have you been wearing my underwear again?’.

Skatar018

09-08-10, 15:03

usually i like my bj's sans condoms, but chocolate covered condoms, well i guess i can see how it works for her!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TEOzZ1GkGO8

Dangerously

09-08-10, 22:29

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."

Seva Lurker

09-08-10, 23:15

usually i like my bj's sans condoms, but chocolate covered condoms, well i guess i can see how it works for her!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TEOzZ1GkGO8

Personally, I like this approach better. She gets the real chocolate flavor and and you get the real BBJ feel.

Lurker X

09-10-10, 07:03

This is the new "wear your seatbelt" ad the UK is doing - started by some guy not hired to do it, but because the cause is important to him, he came up with this idea, and now it's being hailed across the world as a beautiful commercial.

And now the video has gone "viral" [which means, has become so popular with the general public that people are forwarding it to friends/family on their own so quickly that it has spread all over the world in a very short time).

http://embracethis.co.uk/

Gdlint

09-12-10, 17:33

Jan, Sue and Lois haven't seen each other since High School.

They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio. Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine. Then Lois walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.

Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue, where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix.

Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southamptonon Long Island and have a second home in Naples, Florida.

Lois explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Gene. They run a tropical bird park in Colorado and grow their own vegetables. Gene can stand five parrots, side by side, on his dick.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.

Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama.

Lois says that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

A John

09-14-10, 10:13

Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they strike up a conversation.

The black Lab turns to the chocolate Lab and says, "So why are you here?"

The Chocolate Lab replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything.....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black Lab says, "So what is the vet going to do?"

"Gonna cut my nuts off," comes the reply from the chocolate Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."

The black Lab then turns to the yellow lab and asks, "Why are you here?"

The yellow Lab says, "I'm a digger I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees.
I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets.
But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the black Lab inquires.

"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too, the dejected yellow Lab says.

The yellow Lab then turns to the black Lab and asks, "Why are you here?"

"I'm a humper," the black Lab says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, whatever.

I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes. I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away"

The yellow and chocolate Labs exchange a sad glance and says, "So, nuts off for you too, huh?"

The black Lab says ...."No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."

--

Gdlint

09-16-10, 10:34

An elderly spinster who was a dog lover agreed to look after and house her neighbor’s dog whilst the neighbors went on their holidays.

The only problem was that the spinsters own dog was a ***** that was in 'heat' and the neighbor's dog was a male. Nevertheless she had a large house and she was able to keep the two dogs apart.

As she lay in her bed drifting off to sleep the spinster was suddenly awakened by an awful howling and moaning sounds from downstairs. She rushed downstairs to find the dogs locked together, as dogs do when mating. The dogs were in obvious pain howling but unable to disengage.

Try as she might she could not part them and she was perplexed as what to do next.

Though it was late she reluctantly phoned the vet and after a few rings a rather grumpy voice of the vet answered the phone.

The spinster explained the problem. The vet said. "I want you to take the phone to the dogs and place it down alongside them. I will then phone your number back and the noise of the telephone ringing should make the male dog lose his erection and be able to withdraw from the *****"

"Oh" said the spinster. "Do you think that will work?"

"Well" the vet replied, "IT JUST WORKED ON Me!!!!"

A John

09-16-10, 21:47

Try this test. Scroll down and do the quiz as it instructs and find out what movie is your favorite. It really works! This amazing math quiz can likely predict which of 18 films you would enjoy the most. Don't ask me how.

Pick a number from 1-9.

Multiply by 3.

Add 3.

Multiply by 3 again.

Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favorite movie in the list of 18 movies below.

Now look up your number in the list below...
1. Gone With The Wind
2. E.T.
3. Beverly Hills Cop
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Joy of Anal Sex With A Goat
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire
18. Toy Story

It is really amazing, isn't it?

Lurker X

09-19-10, 22:39

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I5wY38dhFPA&feature=player_embedded#!

Cowboy01

09-21-10, 23:09

A blonde goes out with some friends on a Monday night wearing a T.G.I.F. T-shirt.

A guy looking to start a conversation with the blond asks, why are you wearing a 'Thank God It's Friday' tee-shirt on Monday?'

With s look of embarrassment, the blond says, I did not realize it was a religious t-shirt. I thought it meant - 'Tits Go In Front.''

Lurker X

09-23-10, 08:09

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/gameon/post/2010/09/lynyrd-skynyrd-coach-dies/1

Lurker X

09-25-10, 10:34

http://www.flixxy.com/bear-animal-nature-film.htm

World Wise

09-25-10, 21:40

Truely amazing video, LX. Thanks for sharing. Impressive!

LordBlackAdder

09-27-10, 21:23

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”
The blonde said, “How about 50 dollars?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?”
The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.”

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
“You’re finished already?” he asked. “Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. “Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. “And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”

LordBlackAdder

09-27-10, 21:43

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.

He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

‘Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?’ she asked.
‘They’re mating,’ her father replied.
‘What do you call the spider on top?’ she asked.
‘That’s a Daddy Longlegs,’ her father answered.
‘So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?’ the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent
question he replied, ‘No sweetheart. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.’

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat…then added, ‘Well, we’re not having any of that gay shit in our garden’

Warpig2000

09-28-10, 00:08

The United States Coast Guard reported the body of a man found dead off of Belle Isle in the Detroit River very early yesterday morning. The victim was a white male, age 42, 5' 7" tall and weighing 155 lbs. The victim was found wearing a blond wig, fishnet stockings, red pumps, a black cocktail dress and had smudged mascara and lipstick from floating in the river. The victim was under the influence of barbiturates and alcohol at the time of death. He also had a dildo lodged his up rectum and was wearing a Detroit Lions Jacket.

The family of the deceased has asked that we not release the fact that he was wearing the Lions jacket out of embarrassment...

A John

09-30-10, 06:44

Top Ten Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women

And here we go...

#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3 - A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the Number One reason Why Men Prefer Guns over women.....

#1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun!

Gdlint

09-30-10, 11:21

A white-haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young blond at his side.

He told the jeweler was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," he said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check clears so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon," he said.

On Monday morning, the jeweler 'phoned the old man and said "Sir, there's no money in that account."

"I know," said the old man, "but let me tell you about my great weekend!"

A John

10-08-10, 06:06

Scenario 1:

Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.

1957. Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.

2007. School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario 2:

Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.

1957. Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.

2007. Police called and SWAT team arrives. They arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged them with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario 3:

Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.

1957. Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2007. Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The school gets extra money from the state because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario 4:

Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1957. Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.

2007. Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.

Scenario 5:

Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1957. Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock.

2007. The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario 6:

Pedro fails high school English.

1957. Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.

2007. Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario 7:

Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.

1957. Ants die.

2007- ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents. And all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario 8:

Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.

1957. In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2007. Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

Lurker X

10-13-10, 07:24

Yup, thanks to the feminization of our society.

A John

10-13-10, 09:55

A new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the

Afghanistan Desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a

Camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

He asks their Sergeant why the camel is kept there.

The nervous sergeant said, 'Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here

On the post and no women, and sir, sometimes the men have urges'. That's

Why we have Molly The Camel. '

The Captain says, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I understand

About 'urges', so the camel can stay. '

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'.

Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.

Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder,

Pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel.

When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it? '

'No, not really, sir. They usually just ride the camel into town where

The girls are. '

Richmond Fotog

10-14-10, 08:19

After listening to the elderly hooker plead her case, Judge Hanson called a brief recess and retired to his chambers.

En route, he bumped into Judge Forbes.

'Say, ' said Hanson, 'what would you give a sixty-three-year-old hooker? '

'Oh gosh, ' replied Forbes, 'five or six bucks tops. '

Gdlint

10-21-10, 09:41

A young Arab asks his father:

What is this weird hat that we are wearing?

It's a "chechia" because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun!

And what is this type of clothing that we are wearing?

It's a "djbellah" because in the desert it is very hot and it protects your body.

And what are these ugly shoes that we have on our feet?

These are "babouches", which keep us from burning our feet when in the desert.

Tell me, papa.

Yes, my son?

Why are we living in Detroit and still wearing all this shit?

A John

10-22-10, 05:45

Holy crap.

They Call Her the Crusher

http://www.bitoffun.com/video_vault/call-her-crusher.html

A John

10-22-10, 06:05

Grandmothers day in court

Lurker X

10-24-10, 00:23

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage? "

The clerk asks, "Are you Polish? "

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

"Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was.

Mexican?

Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish? "

The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't. "

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish.

Sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish? "

The clerk replied,

"Because you're in Home Depot. "

Misfit

10-24-10, 08:05

Holy crap.

They Call Her the Crusher

http://www.bitoffun.com/video_vault/call-her-crusher.htmlGod bless that woman.

Misfit

Seva Lurker

10-24-10, 08:23

Holy crap.

They Call Her the Crusher

http://www.bitoffun.com/video_vault/call-her-crusher.htmlCan one imagine what it would be like if she whacked you up the side of the head with one of those? Reminds me of the old porn star Chessie Moore. She did one of Ed Powers 'Dirty Debutantes' with Jamie Gillis. Swung one of her tits around and knocked Ed over and his glasses off. :the.

On the down side, she has the butt to go with those things.

Spazen

10-25-10, 03:49

I don't get it. A Home Depot nearby has a vendor out front selling Polish Sausages. They are just not available all the time. I do get the joke, but there is an exception.

Member #4434

10-28-10, 22:16

Where are you? I hope all is well with you, I miss all the jokes!

Lurker X

10-29-10, 20:37

I don't get it. A Home Depot nearby has a vendor out front selling Polish Sausages. They are just not available all the time. I do get the joke, but there is an exception.I guess the Polack was inside the store in the garden dept looking at the hoses.

Gdlint

11-02-10, 10:20

I spent $5000 on a boob job for the girlfriend. She was delighted. I spent another $2000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic. I spent $2000 on liposuction for her and she was over the moon. And yet I spent $30 on a blow job for myself, and she goes ballistic.

Gdlint

11-02-10, 12:54

$2M per week + this, in your hotel room & balls large enough to do it with a EX in the adjoining room. We are in awe.

Lurker X

11-05-10, 06:46

An old man went to Las Vegas to visit a brothel to get a Blow Job because his wife refused to to that to him.

He gets to the room with the sex worker and ask "how much for a nice blow job?", $150 she replies.

The old man then goes into the bathroom and begins to masturbate.

"What the hell are you doing?" asked the sex worker.

Well, the old man replies,"for $150, you didn't think I was going to give you the easy one.

Brownbear28

11-06-10, 04:48

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said,"Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. In fact all of his meals should be home-made and nutritious. Be pleasant at all times. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next few months, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife."What did the doctor say?" He said you're going to die," she replied.

Brownbear28

11-06-10, 04:51

The Madam opened the brothel door to see a frail, elderly gentleman."Can I help you?" the madam asked."I want Natalie," the old man replied."Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else." "No, I must see Natalie."

Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man calmly left.

The next night he appeared again demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that There were no discounts. It was still $1,000 a visit. Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and an hour later, he left.

When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?" The old man replied,"I'm from Philadelphia."

"Really?" replied Natalie."I have family who lives there."

"Yes, I know," said the old man."Your father died, and I'm your sister's attorney. She asked me to give this $3,000 to you." (Some things in life are certain: taxes, death and being screwed by an attorney)

Golfcart

11-09-10, 23:08

A woman saw a toad in a trap. The toad said he would grant her three wishes if she freed him from the trap. She did and the toad offered her the first wish. The toad warned, however, that anything she wished for would also go to her husband, but he would receive it tenfold.

For her first wish she asked to be made the richest woman in the world. The toad reminded her that this would make her husband ten times richer and she said that would be okay because half of what he had would be hers anyway, whereupon the toad made them both richer.

For her second wish she asked to be made the most beautiful woman in the world. Again the road reminded her that her husband would be more handsome by ten. She said that would be okay because as the most beautiful woman in the world, he would have eyes only for her. The toad then made them beautiful and handsome with the husband more handsome by ten.

Then the toad asked about her third wish. After thinking a bit, the woman said she wanted a mild heart attack.

This doesn't end the way you think it does. Her husband had a heart attack ten times as mild as hers.

Gdlint

11-11-10, 10:54

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual

Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only

The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said

Softly,"You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought,"I am either still dreaming

Or this is going to be my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then

Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterward she said,"Thanks," and returned to the stove,

Her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked,

"What was that all about?"

She explained,"The egg timer's broken."

Lurker X

11-12-10, 08:09

NOVEMBER 9-A naked South Carolina man who had a computer mouse lodged in his rectum was arrested Saturday evening after he allegedly burglarized a home and later attacked officers responding to a call about the break-in.

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/documents/animals/mouse-found-lodged-inside-naked-arrestee

A John

11-12-10, 18:07

This needs to passed around to every human being who has the keys to a vehicle and the capability of driving while under the influence with impaired judgement and the possibility of causing a life changing incident to happen to everyone he or she comes in contact with while in this condition.

This is perhaps one of the most intense commercials that I've ever seen and damn well made. I hope that by passing this along to others, that it will make a difference and if just one life is saved, it will all be worth the effort to simply hit "send" and maybe save a life today or tomorrow or in the future. I think that Australia should be complemented on having the guts to "tell it like it is" and get this campaign out to all of it ' s licensed drivers and to air it on TV. It is very moving and very life like so it has a very strong impact.

<http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=Z2mf8DtWWd8

Beady

11-12-10, 18:27

Shazbot1960

11-12-10, 19:11

$2M per week + this, in your hotel room & balls large enough to do it with a EX in the adjoining room. We are in awe.Hear Hear!

A John

11-13-10, 09:36

Medication

For Depressed Lesbians!

Dbeyes

11-15-10, 10:34

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying,"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you. '

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Pissed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly,"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad. '

'Rubbish, ' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature! ' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous? '

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear. '

Lurker X

11-19-10, 09:48

I'm not sure if this is legit or they're just making fun of the US and British shows, LOL.

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xfez0b_silvina-escudero-stripdance-25-10-2010_music#from=embed

Lurker X

11-26-10, 09:46

This is a real good fake or a real intriguing mystery.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L-IQdQYTBKU

A John

11-29-10, 21:33

Only in America!

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/documents/bizarre/malodorous-perp-gets-90-days-jail

Richmond Fotog

12-01-10, 00:49

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/buster/prostitution/never-call-cops-consumer-complaint-about-your-hooker

Crazy Jim Wood

12-01-10, 09:04

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/buster/prostitution/never-call-cops-consumer-complaint-about-your-hooker$60 for a blow while another girl strips is not a bad deal!

And the guy seemed fair, he only wanted $40 back, I guess he felt he got his $20 worth.

Hey flatfoot go arrest a real criminal. Fing pigs

Gdlint

12-01-10, 17:08

Truck driver sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops.

"What are you doing?" he says.

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

"Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a blowjob."

So, she does.

After she's finished, the trucker says,"Wow! That's a wasted talent. Why are you committing a suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl

Lurker X

12-04-10, 09:28

Just think, if this guy was shown how to go out and pick up wh0res on the monger trail, he would be a successful something in life. Now he's the local Sarasota perv in the news.

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/documents/bizarre/walmart-pleasure-seeker-barred-retail-giant

A John

12-10-10, 23:10

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly.

Gentleman and an elderly lady.

Struck up a conversation and discovered that.

They both loved to fish.

Since both of them were widowed,

They decided to go fishing together the next day.

The gentleman picked the lady up, and they.

Headed to the river to his fishing boat and.

Started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a.

Fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

'Do you want to go up or down? '

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt.

And pants and made mad passionate love to the man.

Right there in the boat!

When they finished, the man couldn't believe.

What had just happened, but he had just experienced.

The best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the.

River, when soon they came upon another fork in the.

River.

He again asked the lady, 'Up or down? '

There she went again, stripped off her clothes,

And made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so.

He asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes and there they were the next day,

Riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in.

River, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down? '

The woman replied, 'Down. '

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman.

Guided the boat down the river when he came upon.

Another fork in the river and he asked the.

Lady, 'Up or down? '

She replied, 'Up. '

This really confused the gentleman so he asked,

'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked.

You if you wanted to go up or down you made mad.

Passionate love to me. Now today, nothing! '

She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing.

My hearing aid and I thought the choices were.

Fuck or drown

Gdlint

12-11-10, 12:38

How long will it be till we have "cat" tax here?

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20101209/od_nm/us_prostitution_tax

Richmond Fotog

12-12-10, 00:58

When they legalize it as it is in Germany and part of Nevada.

"Such taxes are not unusual in Germany where prostitution is legal and sex workers must pay tax on their income."

How long will it be till we have "cat" tax here?

Lurker X

12-13-10, 07:59

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c_stcgW8E4o&feature=channel

Lurker X

12-15-10, 23:06

These guys actually talk some young soldier kid into drinking his own piss and eating his own shit by convincing him it's the best protection against the H1N1 virus!

Using a fake name, Brown told Samuel he was calling from the motel's front desk. Claiming that, 'we've got a bit of a situation that needs your attention at this point, ' Brown told Samuel that the prior occupant of his room 'has just reported to us that they have contracted the H1N1 flu virus. ' Samuel replied, 'Oh, shit. ' Brown went on to say that, 'we are in contact now with the hospital and the doctor and that they're telling us that our normal standard sanitation procedures may not have killed entirely the virus. '

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/documents/internet/vile-phone-prank-pulled-iraq-vet

A John

12-16-10, 18:15

SEX AFTER SURGERY?

A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient

After an operation. She was awake, so he examined her.

"You'll be fine," he said.

She asked,"How long will it be before I am able

To have a normal sex life again doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause,

Which alarmed the girl.

"What's the matter Doctor?

I will be alright, won't I?"

He replied,"Yes, you'll be fine.

It's just that no one has ever asked me that

After having their tonsils out."

A John

12-16-10, 19:13

WHY SANTA DIDN'T ANSWER YOUR LETTER.

http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=why_santa_didnt_answer_your_letter.wmv

Seva Lurker

12-16-10, 20:15

A John

12-17-10, 00:47

Miserable ***** doesn't even deserve this.

After more than 40 years, the VietNam Veterans of the United States of America raised a phenomenal amount of money to memorialize one of Hollywood's loyal American citizens who went out of her way to aid and abet the enemy and congratulate them on their treatment of USA POW's.

This memorial says it all!

I get all teary eyed when I see this.

Lurker X

12-19-10, 21:35

Mr. Bean:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2J5xs2ukksE&feature=grec_index

Baltimonger

12-20-10, 01:44

http://www.archive.org/details/vd_is_for_everybody

A John

12-20-10, 05:54

67 year old Vietnam Vet gets harrassed by a punk on the bus.

DON'T PICK ON WHAT YOU THINK IS JUST AN OLD LOOKING PERSON!

http://www.youjotube.com/watch/bLQ3mXqAq_Y

A John

12-20-10, 21:54

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank. '

Passenger: 'Who? '

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time. '

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody. '

Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.

Passenger: Sounds like he was something really special.

Cabbie: 'There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right. '

Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then. '

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake.

No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman. '

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him? '

Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank, he died and I married his fuckin wife. '

A John

12-20-10, 21:59

Best divorce Letter Ever!

A John

12-22-10, 20:11

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the

Doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.

Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.

Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.

About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says,

'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.

Could we please do it one more time? '

Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch.

And realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.

He touches his wife's shoulder and asks,

'Honey, please. Just one more time before I die. '

She says, 'Of course, Dear, '

And they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.

Morris, however, worried about his impending death,

Tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.

He taps his wife, who rouses.

'Honey, I have only 4 more hours.

Do you think we could. '

At this point the wife sits up and says,

'Listen Morris, enough is enough I have to

Get up in the morning. You don't. '

Lurker X

12-23-10, 00:19

Merry Christmas from Fatboygetdown. LOL.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h3zGlmYMJvk

Arca98

12-23-10, 16:05

On behalf of all of us that just went blind, thanks!

Hahahhahahha!

Merry Christmas from Fatboygetdown. LOL.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h3zGlmYMJvk

Lurker X

12-23-10, 19:47

White Women's Workout.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yuFy_qjolU

Lurker X

12-23-10, 19:53

Lurker X

12-25-10, 04:06

Now, here's a football game I could get into!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lDWNZ_pk3_E&feature=player_embedded#

A John

12-25-10, 09:52

This girl can really call a turkey.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mYfDnc42wog

Lurker X

12-29-10, 05:31

Somebody has a good lawsuit here.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aeo-xyY8nt8&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Gdlint

12-29-10, 11:53

At the end of a tiny deserted bar in downtown Detroit sat a huge black man. He was having a few beers, when a short, well dressed, and obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him.

After three or four beers, the gay man got the courage to say a few words to the big black man. Leaning over towards him, he whispered,"Do you want a blow job?"

At this, the massive black man leaped up with fire in his eyes, and smacked the crap out of the gay man, knocking him swiftly off his stool. He proceeded to beat him all the way out of the bar, before leaving him bruised and battered in the parking lot, and returning to his seat.

Amazed, the bartender quickly brought over another beer to the black man, and said,"I've never seen you react like that."What did he say to you?"

"I don't know," the black man replied."Something about a job."

Lurker X

12-29-10, 21:00

This guy is awesome!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OLujImLrUGM

Gdlint

12-30-10, 12:10

A man and woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware her dining companion had disappeared.

The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman,"Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.

The woman calmly looked up at her and said,"No, he didn't. He just walked in."

Gdlint

12-30-10, 12:33

I lost the trivia contest at the church social last night by one point.

The last question was: "Where do most women have curly hair?

Apparently the correct answer is: Africa!

I've been asked to find another place to worship.

Gdlint

12-30-10, 16:37

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.

Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.

He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing? ' she asked.

'They're mating, ' her father replied.

'What do you call the spider on top? ' she asked.

'That's a Daddy Longlegs, ' her father answered.

'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs? ' the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs. '

'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat.

'Well, we're not having any of that gay shit in our garden' she said.

Gdlint

12-30-10, 20:33

A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a mostly deserted beach at Ft. Meyers, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him."How are you today?""Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book."I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked."First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book."I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely, she countered."Do you live around here?" She asked."Yes, I live over in Cape Coral," he answered, and again he resumed reading. Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted,"Do you like pussy cats?"With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life. When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man,"How did you know that was what I wanted?"The man replied,"How did you know my name was Katz?"

Mirrar

12-30-10, 20:59

See story in the link:

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/documents/bizarre/flier-blames-tabasco-spill-lewd-act

Late breaking news: Police released the suspect after the 17yo said,"His penis is smaller that daddy's, but not as big as Uncle Mike's.

Gdlint

12-31-10, 14:14

An elderly Italian man who lived in the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:

"Father. During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our

Neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said,"That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?"

Gdlint

12-31-10, 14:40

Lurker X

12-31-10, 20:09

'That's a Daddy Longlegs, ' her father answered.

'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs? ' the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs. '

'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat.

'Well, we're not having any of that gay shit in our garden' she said. LOL

It's always easy to make fun of fags.

Lurker X

12-31-10, 22:50

I would do the same as Tyron here.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NMHaiMzgCNA

Lurker X

01-01-11, 01:41

A real woman is a man's best friend.

She will never stand him up and never let him down.

She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.

She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him.

To be the most confident, sexy, seductive invincible and,

No wait. Sorry. I'm thinking of whiskey.

It's whiskey that does all that shit.

Never mind.

A John

01-01-11, 18:34

Fire Fighter of the Year.

http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=firefighteroftheyear.wmv

A John

01-03-11, 12:20

Lottery Winner / Interview.

http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=LOTTERYWINNERINTERVIEW.wmv

Gdlint

01-04-11, 18:59

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" coach said to himself."He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone,"I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads."I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts."At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit!"

Member #4376

01-04-11, 22:28

Fire Fighter of the Year.

http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=firefighteroftheyear.wmv

There is no video at this link

Animalatnight

01-05-11, 15:17

Paris Hilton used her nipples to carve the Christmas turkey

Baltimonger

01-06-11, 22:40

Did you hear the one about the guy with 5 penises?

His underwear fit him like a glove.

http://instantrimshot.com/

Baltimonger

01-06-11, 22:42

How cold is it?

Paris Hilton used her nipples to carve the Christmas turkey
http://instantrimshot.com/index.php?sound=downer

A John

01-07-11, 07:10

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,

'OK old fart, Time for you to retire. '

The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens.

Look what it has done to me Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner? '

The young rooster says, 'Beat it: You are washed up And I am taking over. '

The old rooster says, 'I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop. '

The young rooster laughs. 'You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair,

I will give you a head start. '

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him.

They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast! The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch When he sees the roosters running by.

The Old Rooster is squawking And running as hard as he can. The Farmer grabs his shotgun and.

- BOOM. He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,

'Dammit. Third gay rooster I bought this week. '

Moral of this Story? .

Don't mess with the OLD FARTS. Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery Always overcome youth and arrogance!

OLD DUDES RULE

http://instantrimshot.com/index.php?sound=rooster

A John

01-07-11, 07:16

Our little girl is growing up! BIRTHDAY REMINDER

This week we celebrate a special birthday.

Monica Lewinsky turns 44. Can you believe it?

It seems like only yesterday, she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees,

Putting everything in her mouth.

They grow up so fast, don't they?

http://instantrimshot.com/index.php?sound=yeehaw

A John

01-07-11, 07:48

Merry Christman from the Second Amendment.

http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=MerryChristmas__fromthe2ndAmendment.wmv

Gdlint

01-07-11, 08:23

Year to date statistics on Airport screening from the Department of Homeland Security.

Terrorist Discovered 0.

Transvestites 133.

Hernia's 1,485.

Hemeroid Cases 3,172.

Enlarged Prostates 8,249.

Breast Implants 59,350.

Natural Blondes 3

Gdlint

01-07-11, 08:34

This link keeps coming up dead. It's not helping your joke John.

Merry Christman from the Second Amendment.

http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=MerryChristmas__fromthe2ndAmendment.wmv

Gdlint

01-08-11, 17:10

http://www.chilloutzone.net/video/wrong-hole-song.html

A John

01-08-11, 18:54

Thanks Gdlint, Lucky Gene said somthing the other day as well. Not sure WTF is happend, does anyone have in put on converting Vidos?

This link keeps coming up dead. It's not helping your joke John.

Richmond Fotog

01-08-11, 19:03

Today it was working. YourFileHost has a bandwidth allowed for files per day. Once you pass that you have to wait.

Thanks Gdlint, Lucky Gene said somthing the other day as well. Not sure WTF is happend, does anyone have in put on converting Vidos?

Lurker X

01-08-11, 20:10

Today it was working. YourFileHost has a bandwidth allowed for files per day. Once you pass that you have to wait.If you're posting a video that doesn't have adult only content or doesn't violate YouTube's agreement, then post it there.

They always have plenty of Band Width.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XQqT98BN-MU

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vqVEp1Nqbt8

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XvMdEsoqgJ8&feature=related

A John

01-09-11, 11:04

How Spain stops a terrorist.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gjK8sYLSgog&playnext=1&list=PLA13C44355CB4807C&index=26

Today it was working. YourFileHost has a bandwidth allowed for files per day. Once you pass that you have to wait.Thanks

A John

01-09-11, 11:10

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello,"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2, 000; is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90, 000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980, 000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900, 000. They'll probably.

Take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty thousand if it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. He turns and asks,"Anyone know who's phone

This is?"

Gdlint

01-09-11, 12:07

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk."I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."

To which she replied,"No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard.

Member #2041

01-09-11, 12:18

http://www.chilloutzone.net/video/wrong-hole-song.html

No way a nerd like him gets a cutie like her.

A John

01-09-11, 12:19

Naked joke of the week.

http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=NakedJoke.wmv

A John

01-09-11, 12:36

New bra.

http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=New_bra.wmv

Gdlint

01-10-11, 19:54

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:

A. Lovemaking.

B. Screwing.

C. Taking the pigskin bus to Tuna Town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you have both shared:

A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.

B. Your blood-test results.

C. Five Tequila slammers.

3. You time your orgasm so that:

A. Your partner climaxes first.

B. You both climax simultaneously.

C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

A. Healthy, creative love-play.

B. Not the sort of thing your wife would agree to.

C. Not the sort of thing your wife needs to ever find out about.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you have just had sex with is:

A. The best part of the experience.

B. The second best part of the experience.

C. $100 extra.

6. Your wife / girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:

A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.

B. Not a problem; she can join your gym.

C. A conservative estimate.

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:

A. A myth.

B. An oxymoron.

C. A moron.

8. Foreplay is to sex as:

A. An appetizer is to entree.

B. Primer is to paint.

C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?

A. I hope we can still be friends.

B. I'm not in right now; please leave a message at the beep.

C. Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU.

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.

B. Is uptight and a waste of time.

C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

==================

Evaluating Results:

If you answered A more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really ARE a man.

If you answered B more than 7 times, check into therapy. You're a.

Little confused.

If you answered C more than 7 times, YOU the MAN!

Gdlint

01-11-11, 14:53

He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone.

He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear.

"Just relax."

Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat. I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure.

When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he stroked my chest, I inhaled sharply. Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine to my underwear.

Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not accustomed to taking `no' for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say.

"Okay, ma'am," said a voice."All done."

My eyes snapped open and he was standing in front of me, smiling. Holding out my purse, he said,

"You can board your flight now."

Lurker X

01-11-11, 21:52

Comedian Bob Nelson has some clever insight on college football.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U28mh_arOTc

Gdlint

01-11-11, 23:37

A man returns home a day early from a business trip.

It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if.

He would be.

A witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair and.

He wants to.

Catch her in the act. He'll pay $100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the.

Bedroom.

The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and.

There is.

His wife in bed with another man! The husband puts a gun to the.

Naked man's.

Head. The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I.

Lied when I told you I inherited a lot of money!

HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.

HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.

HE paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets.

HE paid for our house at the lake.

HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the.

Monthly dues!

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the.

Gun. He looks.

Over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?

The cabby replies, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before.

He catches.

A cold. '

A John

01-13-11, 10:30

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Phyllis stood and walked to the podium.

She said,"I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Bob, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could Help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Bob must have experienced.

"Bob was unable to hold me or the children," she went on,"and every move caused him terrible pain.

We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Bob's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Bob.

"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, thank the Lord, Bob is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said,"I'm Bob."

The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."

Shazbot1960

01-13-11, 11:02

Comedian Bob Nelson has some clever insight on college football.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U28mh_arOTc

Brillant stuff but this is an erotic site. If you find Bob Nelson erotic you need help.

A John

01-13-11, 19:41

NUDE Girls.

http://www.kirppismonitori.fi/flash/nudegirls.swf

Lurker X

01-13-11, 21:35

NUDE Girls.

http://www.kirppismonitori.fi/flash/nudegirls.swf

That's funny, so is this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V77sHgqzWZk&feature=grec_index

Gdlint

01-13-11, 23:35

Don came home drunk last night, slid into bed beside his sleeping Karen and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St.

Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Don. ' Don was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back! Please! ' St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken. ' Don was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here? ' 'Not bad, ' replied Don the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside.

Like I'm going to explode! ' 'You're ovulating, ' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before? ' 'Never, ' said Don.

'Well, just relax and let it happen, ' says the rooster. It's no big deal. ' He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood.

He soon laid another egg. His joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.

"Don, wake up! You shit the bed!"

A John

01-14-11, 20:47

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO, WHEN A BLONDE IN

ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP, AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS

SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS, AND ASKS

TO SEE HER TICKET.

SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY

CLASS, AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES,"I'm BLONDE, I'm BEAUTIFUL, I'm

GOING TO TORONTO AND I'm STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS

THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE

BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN

ECONOMY, AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO

EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY

SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

THE BLONDE REPLIES,"I'm BLONDE, I'm BEAUTIFUL, I'm

GOING TO TORONTO AND I'm STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD

HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST

THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

THE PILOT SAYS,"YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'll

HANDLE THIS, I'm MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR,

AND SHE SAYS,"OH, I'm SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES

BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND

ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT

ANY FUSS.

"I TOLD HER,"FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO ".

Baltimonger

01-14-11, 21:01

That's funny, so is this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V77sHgqzWZk&feature=grec_index

You would think whoever came up with that would at least know:

McDonald's does not serve chicken wings!

KC Questor

01-15-11, 03:46

You would think whoever came up with that would at least know:

McDonald's does not serve chicken wings! McDonald's served "Mighty Wings" from 1990 to 2003.

Member #4376

01-15-11, 20:11

Brillant stuff but this is an erotic site. If you find Bob Nelson erotic you need help.This is "Jokes & Humorous Stories" . Not "Erotic Jokes and Humorous Stories".

Shazbot1960

01-15-11, 22:06

This is "Jokes & Humorous Stories" . Not "Erotic Jokes and Humorous Stories".Http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8WXSW5w_8Xg

Ok then, here is a funny clip. Lets make this America's Funniest Home Videos & ignore the webiste name. USA Sex guide. My mistake.

Lurker X

01-16-11, 09:54

You would think whoever came up with that would at least know:

McDonald's does not serve chicken wings!Media people often mis-speak about things they pretend to be knowledgeable on.

I once saw a local, Miami news dummy hold up a Glock on camera and call it a 9mm service revolver.

Seva Lurker

01-16-11, 10:22

This is "Jokes & Humorous Stories" . Not "Erotic Jokes and Humorous Stories".Maybe so, but this is an 'erotic' site as such.

Gdlint

01-16-11, 10:43

http://img.thesun.co.uk/multimedia/archive/00622/beer_goggles_622180a.swf

Member #4376

01-16-11, 14:58

Maybe so, but this is an 'erotic' site as such.So? Are you suggesting this thread be policed to keep out "non-erotic" jokes?

We've had enough difficulty getting political drivel removed, even though those boundaries continue to be pushed. Choose your battles.

Seva Lurker

01-16-11, 16:17

So? Are you suggesting this thread be policed to keep out "non-erotic" jokes?

We've had enough difficulty getting political drivel removed, even though those boundaries continue to be pushed. Choose your battles. No, I am stating this is an erotic site, so 'erotic jokes', whether you like it or not, should not be a problem. Many of the jokes already posted are 'erotically' inclined.

Member #4376

01-17-11, 01:04

No, I am stating this is an erotic site, so 'erotic jokes', whether you like it or not, should not be a problem. Many of the jokes already posted are 'erotically' inclined.Maybe you should take a deep breath and re-read my original comment about this.

I was pointing out that this forum was not titled in such a way as to prevent NON-erotic jokes. I was simply saying that NON-erotic jokes and links to NON-erotic comedy routines should be just as welcome here as erotic jokes.

Understand now?

Lurker X

01-17-11, 20:17

Sometimes there's a good reason to run from the cops.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CAH0rImQozQ

Richmond Fotog

01-17-11, 20:56

The translation at the end of this clip indicates it's an ad for an optician.

http://www.redtube.com/4541

A John

01-18-11, 08:18

Mathematics.
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100% What does it mean to give MORE than 100% Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100% We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100. How about achieving 103% What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z.

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R- K.
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And.

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E.
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E.
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T.
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G.
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that, while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top

JohnUT1966

01-18-11, 12:22

Another resaon to use one.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b5mp2sU9TU4&NR=1

Gdlint

01-19-11, 16:37

The wife and I were at home watching TV.

I had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

She became more and more annoyed and finally said:

"For God's sake! Leave it on the porn channel!

You already know how to fish!"

A John

01-20-11, 21:53

The Sheer Nightgown.

A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price. The more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy) , 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself. '

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it! '

A John

01-20-11, 22:01

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are Interested in them?

A: Try a bookstore, under Fiction.

-

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?

A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done, you will have a place to live.

-

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible. Is

That true? Where can it be found?

A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt."

-

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your over-60 year-old husband?

A: Tell him you're pregnant.

-

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?

A: Take off your glasses.

-

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?

A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

-

Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?

A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

-

Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term

Memory storage?

A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.

-

Q: As people age, do they sleep More soundly?

A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

-

Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?

A: On their foreheads.

-

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they

Enter antique stores?

A: "Gosh, I remember these!"

-

SMILE, You've still got your sense of humor,

Lurker X

01-21-11, 09:11

Road side assistance in Pakistan.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B-XYqaUwabY

Gdlint

01-21-11, 16:19

Today's word is. Fluctuations.

I was at my bank today; there was a short line.

There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was.

Trying to exchange yen for dollars.

It was obvious she was a little irritated. . . She asked the.

Teller,"Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen.

Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said,"Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says,"Fluc you white people too"

A John

01-21-11, 23:18

Finally a game show I understand.

http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=caramel_dip.wmv

A John

01-21-11, 23:24

A test at an Durham City High school in North Carolina, required students to use "handsome" in a sentence.

The girl named Lateshia says,"Sometimes when I be suckin' Jamal's snake, my jaw gets sore and I hafta use my handsome."

The quality of our educational system sometimes brings a tear to your eye!

Lurker X

01-22-11, 10:10

Finally a game show I understand.

http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=caramel_dip.wmv

YFH use to be a great way to post vids, but it seems their server is over loaded.

The links don't work most times unless you catch them at a slow time.

Gdlint

01-22-11, 11:28

John that sorry ass site is a waste of readers time. The link almost never works. The joke may be finny but it looses something if they are out of bandwidth and all you get is a blank screen. Your jokes may be entertaining but your video links suck IMHO.

Gdlint

Finally a game show I understand.

http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=caramel_dip.wmv

Member #4376

01-22-11, 20:01

Q: How do you surprise Helen Keller?

A: Leave the plunger in the toilet.

Gdlint

01-22-11, 22:35

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,"Say Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replies,"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response,"Well, I'll be damned," Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized."I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered,"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

A John

01-23-11, 17:21

Good luck finding the guy in the camo.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GjKe9WEpRcY

Gdlint

01-24-11, 09:29

As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman,"I still prefer the pubs back home.

In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's.

The landlord goes out of his way for the locals.

When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman,"At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, that's nothin'," said the Irishman,"back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually.

Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you gets laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true.

"Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman,"but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

Seva Lurker

01-24-11, 13:06

I've debated on responding to this for a day or so, finally decided why not.

Around the 16th, Lucky Gene and I exchanged some comments that were bordering on becoming a flame war. Following Jackson's policy (e.g., No Flaming: Please do not post any messages that harrass, insult, belittle, threaten or flame another member.) , I took my final comments off line.

So Lucky Gene, yes, I do have the 'balls' to post publicly, I also have the good sense to know when to take comments off line. So, though I have read and reread the post (http://www.usasexguide.info/forum/showthread.php?4207-Jokes-amp-Humorous-Stories&p=1122769&viewfull=1#post1122769) that got me started several times, I still do not understand what you THINK you were saying and as I said in my PM I really don't think you do either. Maybe if you had not 'titled' you post it would have made some semblance of sense, but taken as a whole it does not.

That said, I'll complete my "high-and-mighty" PM comment "SHUT UP and leave it alone". Respond as much as you care to, I will not bother with this again.

Member #4376

01-24-11, 18:05

I've debated on responding to this for a day or so, finally decided why not.

Around the 16th, Lucky Gene and I exchanged some comments that were bordering on becoming a flame war. Following Jackson's policy (e. G, No Flaming: Please do not post any messages that harrass, insult, belittle, threaten or flame another member.) , I took my final comments off line.

So Lucky Gene, yes, I do have the 'balls' to post publicly, I also have the good sense to know when to take comments off line. So, though I have read and reread the.

post (http://www.usasexguide.info/forum/showthread.php?4207-Jokes-amp-Humorous-Stories&p=1122769&viewfull=1#post1122769)

That got me started several times, I still do not understand what you THINK you were saying and as I said in my PM I really don't think you do either. Maybe if you had not 'titled' you post it would have made some semblance of sense, but taken as a whole it does not.

That said, I'll complete my "high-and-mighty" PM comment "SHUT UP and leave it alone". Respond as much as you care to, I will not bother with this again. Inflated egos like yours have an insatiable need for the last word. Nobody else seemed to have a problem with my previous comment about what "kinds" of jokes are acceptable here. Why can't you let it go?

As you can see, I let it go. I went back to posting jokes (ok, one joke). Is that so hard?

Well, I'm happy to know that you won't bother with this again. You shouldn't have opened your big mouth to begin with.

Richmond Fotog

01-25-11, 00:45

Man Sues Escort Service Over Sex Act.

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/documents/bizarre/man-sues-escort-service-over-sex-act

"New Yorker claims 'psycotic disorder' over encounter."

In a lawsuit filed earlier this month in USA District Court in Manhattan, Hubert Blackman, a 22-year-old East Harlem resident, alleges that the Las Vegas Exclusive Personals escort 'broke the law' during a December 17 encounter. Blackman's civil rights complaint seeks reimbursment of the $275 he paid the escort, as well as 'a $1. 8 million verdict for the tragic event that happened. '

Richmond Fotog

01-25-11, 02:22

Handjob inventor Fred Gilgoff describes the inspiration for the two-person masturbation technique.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/this-day-in-history-the-invention-of-the-handjob,18907/

Blog: Original Handjob Patent Document.
http://www.theonion.com/articles/original-handjob-patent-document,18895/

Gdlint

01-26-11, 08:39

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time,"Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?" He declines."Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says."It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something."How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" He declines."The Viagra," he says,"really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat."Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?" He declines again."No," he says,"it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."

"Well," she says,"Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

Northsideman

01-26-11, 20:49

(Note: This isn't really a joke but I didn't know where else to put this report)

Julia, a 25 year old.

121864

Sex worker with a very sweet voice is now hosting a new internet radio show titled "The Common Prostitute". She is an escort / porn actress / dancer in Canada and the URL is http://www.blogtalkradio.com/thecommonprostitute

You can go to this website for free. Search for the show title "thecommonprostitute" and you can see the schedule for upcoming live broadcasts during which you can call her on the phone. Also during a live broadcast you can type in her chat room, but first you have to set up a free blogtalkradio. Com account (with a screen name & password). You can also listen to previously recorded "On Demand" episodes for free.

Lurker X

01-27-11, 23:55

Rabbit gets some pussy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LAn2UFXSsgw&feature=related

Richmond Fotog

01-28-11, 16:09

Two hookers were standing on a street corner ready for a night of business.

"It's going to be a good night tonight, I can tell" says one of the girls.

"How can you tell?" says the other.

"I can smell cock in the air" replies the first hooker.

"Sorry", her friend replied," I just burped!"

A John

01-28-11, 18:29

One year after retiring, a man goes to the Dr. For a check up.

The Dr. Says,"Everything checks out OK, your heart, lungs, liver, etc, but one thing I can't figure out is, why your penis is Orange. Tell me what's your daily routine, now that you've retired."

The man paused, thought, and said."Mostly nothing, I just sit around the house all day. Watching Porn and eating Cheetos.

Gdlint

01-29-11, 09:53

Tim Tebow, former Florida Gators quarterback, and now the Denver Broncos quarterback has NEVER fumbled!

In 2007 Florida 's Tim Tebow was awarded the Heisman Trophy as a sophomore, the first time ever the award has gone to a second year player.

In addition to his amazing passing, running and TD stats is the fact that he has NEVER fumbled the ball! How is he able to hold on to the football so well? What grip does he use?

Tim's grip training technique was inspired by his girlfriend, of 2.

Years, Amber.

"I really have to say, with her help and training support, I have been able to strengthen my grip, with either hand, even if I barely have any piece of the ball in my hand"

Note the grip on the football shown here!

"But I feel that I can still improve my game if I stick with Amber's.

Training method just one more year"

Introducing the Amazing Tim Tebow Grip Master Training System!

Gdlint

01-29-11, 10:31

A group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to

Jump off a bridge so they stop.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says,"What are you

Doing?"

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an

Opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Blow Job?"

So, she does and it was a long, deep Blow Job.

After she's finished, the biker says,"Wow! That was the best Blow Job I have

Ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous.

Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

Gdlint

01-31-11, 15:57

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:

A. Lovemaking.

B. Screwing.

C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you have both shared:

A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.

B. Your blood-test results.

C. Five tequila slammers.

3. You time your orgasm so that:

A. Your partner climaxes first.

B. You both climax simultaneously.

C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

A. Healthy, creative love-play.

B. Not the sort of thing your wife would agree to.

C. Not the sort of thing your wife needs to ever find out about.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you have just had sex with is:

A. The best part of the experience.

B. The second best part of the experience.

C. $100 extra.

6. Your wife / girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:

A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.

B. Not a problem, she can join in your gym.

C. A conservative estimate.

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:

A. A myth.

B. An oxymoron.

C. A moron.

8. Foreplay is to sex as:

A. An appetizer is to entree.

B. Primer is to paint.

C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?

A. I hope we can still be friends.

B. I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep.

C. Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU.

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.

B. Is uptight and a waste of time.

C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

Gdlint

02-01-11, 19:32

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walks into a bar in San Diego. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked,"What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk Gunny Sergeant slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed,"Give the ballerina a drink!" The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.

She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them revealing the same hairy armpit and asked,"What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again the same Marine slapped his money down on the bar and said,"Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the Marine and said,"I say, old chap, it's not my business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"

The Gunny replied,"Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina."

Gdlint

02-03-11, 16:34

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there.

They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little '0ral sex' will do the trick &bring her out of the coma'

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.

The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened! ' they cried.

The husband said, 'I'm not sure. I think she might have choked! '

A John

02-04-11, 08:11

When we get older we think differently, don't we. This is a touching story. Just when you have lost faith in human kindness. Someone who teaches at Kean Elementary in Wooster, Ohio forwarded the following letter.

The letter was sent to the Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today.

Dear Kean Elementary:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Sprenger Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.

The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her distress over the broken radio touched me and I knew this was God's way of answering my prayers. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass.

Thank you for that opportunity.

Lurker X

02-04-11, 08:43

This is cool, totally gay, but a cool presentation.

This is the exact hour (should be correct for your time zone, too)

Once the clock has started to work for a minute or 2, click anywhere on the clock or on the hour and see what happens.

http://lovedbdb.com/nudemenClock/index2.html

A John

02-05-11, 08:30

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade.

So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.

-

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.

She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

" Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply."We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser.

"That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser."You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman,"not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser,"that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said:

"Who the Fuck did your hair?"

Ray Alan

02-05-11, 12:28

That was funny, I will use that one.

Thanks!

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade.

So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.

-

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.

She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

" Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply."We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser.

"That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser."You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman,"not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser,"that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said:

"Who the Fuck did your hair?"

A John

02-05-11, 19:07

A study by the University of Hawaii Department of Psychology has determined men over 50 may have difficulty with computer Internet technology. An initial analysis suggests it may be due to brain age, prior alcohol or drug abuse, shrinkage of the Occipital lobes, resulting in the deterioration of concentration and visual impairment requiring an increased need for stronger glasses or contact lenses.

To this purpose, The University of Hawaii Department of Psychology developed this Test to help you determine if you have symptoms which may require medical attention. Take the Test to help you determine if you should consider consulting a professional.

TEST FOR MEN OVER 50

Test <http://www.gjk2.com/test/test.swf

Sillyolman

02-05-11, 20:24

Why don't the Pittsburgh Steelers drink cool-aid?

They can't figure our how to get 2 quarts of water into that little packet.

A John

02-09-11, 07:21

A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is waiting right.

Outside of the ladies dressing room for his Mom to come out. While.

Waiting the little boy gets bored and just when his Mom comes walking.

Out, she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt."Get.

Your hand out of there!" she shouts."Don't you know that women have.

Teeth down there?"

The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky.

Stars he didn't get bitten.

For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women.

Have teeth between their legs. When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend. One.

Night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over for a.

Little action.

After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says,"You.

Know, you could go a little further if you want."

"What do you mean?" he asks.

"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to.

Her crotch.

"HELL NO," he cries,"you've got teeth down there!"

"Don't be ridiculous," she responds,"there's no such thing as teeth.

Down there!"

"Yes, there are," he says,"my Mom told me so."

"No, there aren't," she insists."Here, look for yourself." With that,

She pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.

"No, I'm sorry" he says."My Mom already told me that all women have.

Teeth down there."

"Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws.

Her legs behind her head and says,"LOOK, I DON'T have any teeth down.

There."

The boy takes a good long look and replies,"Well, after seeing the.

Condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!

A John

02-13-11, 11:50

A question that deserves an answer!

A young Arab asks his father:

What is this weird hat that we are wearing?

It's a "chechia" because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun!

And what is this type of clothing that we are wearing?

It's a "djbellah" because in the desert it is very hot and it protects

Your body!

And what are these ugly shoes that we have on our feet?

These are "babouches", which keep us from burning our feet when in the

Desert!

Tell me, papa.

Yes, my son?

Why are we living in New Jersey and still wearing all this shit?

A John

02-13-11, 12:06

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Rog's Place, ' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon? '

'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently.

Dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.

If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift. '

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now. ' I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there? '

'Oh, certainly! ' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.

By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76. 39.

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back? '

'Well, ' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon. '

Dirty Old Guy

02-13-11, 16:21

Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now, the police had arrived.

Breathe here.

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

And that's when he shot her.

Gdlint

02-14-11, 11:02

If you can't afford a doctor, go to an airport.

You'll get a free x-ray and a breast exam,

And; if you mention Al Qaeda.

You'll get a free colonoscopy.

Gdlint

02-15-11, 12:20

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up & saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out,"Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said,"Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked,"What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded."I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said."And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained," one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed."I'm sorry," she said,"I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said,"Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

A John

02-15-11, 12:30

Flowers to a woman is like a blow-job to a man

Ray Alan

02-15-11, 22:54

Flowers to a woman is like a blow-job to a manVery true, but giving a women flowers does not guarantee a blow job for the man.

Gdlint

02-16-11, 11:13

Very true, but giving a women flowers does not guarantee a blow job for the man.Can you imagine the boost in flower sales if it did? There would be 4 flower shops on every intersection. The production of roses would exceed corn as a crop!

A John

02-17-11, 23:24

A married couple goes to a marriage counsellor to work out

Some problems.

The counselor sits them on the couch and says "Let's start by

Talking about what you both have in common."

The husband says

"Well for starters, neither one of us sucks dick."

Lurker X

02-18-11, 23:35

Fun with shopping carts.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LF6p3AyydPA&NR=1&feature=fvwp

Lurker X

02-19-11, 09:14

This is what happens when you let cowardly little homosexual men set the standards for society.

They will make every woman look ugly because fags don't have a true appreciation for a woman's body and they want to make every young man look like a fruit cake.

Furthering the reasoning to keep the queers out of our military.

http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/beauty/worst-of-new-york-fashion-week-fall-2011-seriously-you-want-us-to-wear-this-stuff-2455410/; _ylt=AuNimWpfUP20TsqGK. BND6BpbqU5? Selected=2#photoViewer=1

Vinnie

02-19-11, 10:37

Are those nuns in the background?

This is what happens when you let cowardly little homosexual men set the standards for society.

http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/beauty/worst-of-new-york-fashion-week-fall-2011-seriously-you-want-us-to-wear-this-stuff-2455410/; _ylt=AuNimWpfUP20TsqGK. BND6BpbqU5? Selected=2#photoViewer=1

Member #4376

02-19-11, 12:10

Gdlint

02-19-11, 20:27

I recall my first time with a condom. I was 16. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Parchen's pharmacy. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Delores) knew what they were for.

She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, 'No, not really. '

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure

I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was. 'Just a minute, ' she said, and walked to the door and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you? ' She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time. '

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on? ' she asked. I said, 'sure did, ' and held up my thumb to show her.

She then beat the shit out of me. Women have always been hard for me to figure out.

Gdlint

02-21-11, 21:07

You pick up a hitchhiker, a beautiful girl. Suddenly she faints inside your car and you take her to hospital. Now that's stressful.

But at the hospital, they say she is pregnant & congratulate you that you are going to be a father.

You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are. This is getting stressful.

So then. You request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father. After the tests are completed, the doctor says that you are infertile, and probably have been since birth. You are extremely stressed but relieved.

On your way back home, you think about your 3 kids at home.

NOW THAT'S STRESS!

Lurker X

02-21-11, 21:49

How does this homophobic drivel qualify as humor?I guess you have to be straight to see the funny in it, sorry.

Caycejunior

02-22-11, 15:18

*A DISH CALLED SEX *

4 Laughing eyes*

4 Well-shaped legs*

4 Loving arms*

2 Firm milk containers*

2 Nuts*

1 Fur-lined mixing bowl*

1 Firm banana*

Directions:*

1. Look into laughing eyes. *

2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving*

Arms*

3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently. *

4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and*

Out until well creamed. For best results. Continue to knead*

Milk containers. *

5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and*

Cover with nuts, leave to soak (preferably NOT overnight). *

6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana does not*

Soften, repeat steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.

Caycejunior

02-22-11, 15:19

The Rules of Bedroom Golf.

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play. Normally.

One club and two balls.

2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and.

Keep the balls out of the hole.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course.

Owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club.

To avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary.

Until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure.

To do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately.

Upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take.

Time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed.

Bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have play.

On or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played.

Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for.

This reason.

9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in.

Case.

10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been.

Properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played on.

For the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if.

They discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private.

Course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all.

Times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be.

Temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in.

This situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play.

When this is the case.

12. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before.

Attempting to play the back nine.

13. Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to.

Proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's.

Request.

14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play.

The same hole several times in one match.

15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.

* Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at.

A given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner.

And the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players.

Prefer to continue to play several different courses. *

A John

02-22-11, 20:17

A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank.

And forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber's face.

The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.

Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in.

Silence.

The robber yelled,"Well, did anyone else see my face?"

There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak. Then one old man tentatively raised his hand and said,

"My wife got a pretty good look at you."

Member #4376

02-22-11, 23:45

I guess you have to be straight to see the funny in it, sorry.You don't have to be gay to be tolerant of other lifestyles, moron.

Lurker X

02-24-11, 08:59

You don't have to be gay to be tolerant of other lifestyles, moron.Ha-ha, I'm tolerant of gays I just don't pretend they're the same as straight people when it comes to taste in clothing.

Lurker X

02-24-11, 09:01

Now, this is funny.

"suspect Joshua Lee Joehlin told cops that he is a member of the 'Redneck' faith"

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/buster/florida/some-parts-us-redneck-actually-considered-religion

Lurker X

02-24-11, 23:18

This guy is a hoot, note the wheel chair and the bulging blue veins in his man tits. LOL.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8s7UCEzUwX8&feature=feedbul

Member #4434

03-01-11, 01:26

I went to McDonalds the other day, and ordered the supersized doubled quarter pound combo, and 3 chocolate chip cookies. The girl behind the counter, who was pretty large herself, said ' Sorry about the wait '. I said ' Don't worry Chubby, you'll lose it eventually!"

Then on my way out, a homeless man approached me. He said ' I haven't eaten in days '. I said ' God I wish I had your willpower ' and got in the car and left. When I got home, I told the wife what happened and she was mad. What did I do wrong?

A John

03-01-11, 16:35

After an excitingly hot 69 position with his wife, Donnie remembered he had a dentist appointment. He was afraid that the dentist would smell

Pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times, used dental floss 8 times & on top of that gargled 1 liter of Listerine.

As he arrived at the dentist he sucked 2 strong mints. His turn came up & the dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed, Donnie opened his mouth wide. The dentist got close enough & said,"Man, did you

Have 69 before you came here"?"Why"? Donnie asked,"Does my breath smell like pussy"?

"No" The dentist replied,"Your forehead smells like shit."

Lurker X

03-01-11, 21:47

This guy is schizoid, totally sick. LOL.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9hV2OlqubOA&feature=feedu

A John

03-02-11, 18:47

A while back, when I was considerably younger, I picked up a lovely date at.

Her parents' home.

I'd scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant.

She ordered the most expensive items on the menu.

Champagne. Shrimp cocktail. Lobster. A nice Puligny Montrachet.

Followed by some Louis XIII.

I asked her,"Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at.

Home?"

"No," she replied."but my mother's not expecting a blow.

Job tonight."

I asked her if she wanted dessert.

A John

03-02-11, 18:53

Breaking News:

Beginning in early2011 Gas stations will start.

Showing PORN movies on the screens of the pumps so that.

You can watch someone else get screwed the same time that.

You do. :!

Udbtq

03-02-11, 19:53

I thought this was pretty funny and so true.

124596

Gdlint

03-02-11, 22:06

The Sierra Club and the USA Forest Service were presenting an alternative to the Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true method of shooting or trapping the predators, the Sierra Club had a "more humane" solution to this issue. What they were proposing was for the animals to be captured alive. The males would then be castrated and let loose again. This was ACTUALLY proposed by the Sierra Club and by the USA Forest Service. All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally an old fellow wearing a big cowboy hat in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said;

"Son, I don't think you understand our problem here. These coyotes ain't fuckin' our sheep. They're eatin' 'them!"

The meeting never really got back to order.

A John

03-06-11, 01:15

You pick up a hitchhiker, a beautiful girl. Suddenly she faints inside.

Your car and you take her to a hospital. Now that's stressful.

But at the hospital, they say she is pregnant & congratulate.

You that you are going to be a father.

You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are.

This is getting very stressful,

So then. You request a DNA test to prove that you are not.

The father.

After the tests are completed, the doctor says that you are.

Infertile, and probably have been since birth. You are extremely stressed but.

Relieved.

On your way back home, you think about your 3 kids at home.

NOW THAT'S STRESS!

Gdlint

03-07-11, 17:02

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as.

Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk.

Shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really.

All that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They.

Would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and.

Attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had.

Various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.

'Well, ' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear.

And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.

Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me.

Around.

So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother.

Of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next.

Week to give him first communion and confirmation. '

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next.

He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an.

IV drip

In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, 'WELL, brothers, you.

KNOW that we don't sprinkle!

I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear.

From God's HOLY WORD!

But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.

So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle.

We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to.

A creek.

So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul.

And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.

We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying.

In a hospital bed.

He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and.

Out of him

He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said:

"Looking back on it, . Circumcision may not have been the best way to.

Start."

Gears

03-07-11, 20:55

Do you guys use the period in place of the "enter" key? I don't often see so many periods in a piece of writing. What's up here?

A John

03-08-11, 20:42

I met a girl in the park the other evening.

There was an instant spark between us.

And she immediately dropped to her knees.

And laid on the grass at my feet.

As we lay making love, I thought.

"Damn, these taser guns are well worth the money."

A John

03-08-11, 20:44

Don't do drugs.

http://www.kdvr.com/kdvr-photos-drugs-to-mugs-20110301.0, 3868756. Photogallery

KC Questor

03-09-11, 18:54

Do you guys use the period in place of the "enter" key? I don't often see so many periods in a piece of writing. What's up here?I thought it was just an A John thing, but seeing Gdlint do it too I am wondering if it is something the board software does automatically. My guess is they are copying and pasting from an e-mail message with hard line breaks and the board is automatically adding a period, capital letter, and double spacing.

It sure is hard to read.

Seva Lurker

03-09-11, 20:19

I thought it was just an A John thing, but seeing Gdlint do it too I am wondering if it is something the board software does automatically. My guess is they are copying and pasting from an e-mail message with hard line breaks and the board is automatically adding a period, capital letter, and double spacing.

It sure is hard to read. I tend to think it is a bit of both, though a lot has to do with the software for the board. Since the upgrade there have been some really screwy things happening with the formatting.

Extra spaces where you don't want them (like when you use a dot for a decimal point rather than a period) , line breaks after inserted links in a sentence, just really screwy things that impede the reading (like the three lines below is really ONE SENTENCE).

Several folks (including yours truly) have commented on this in the.

VB comments (http://www.usasexguide.info/forum/showthread.php?9665-VBulletin-4.0.7-comments)

Page.

A John

03-09-11, 21:58

A young boy went up to his father and asked him,"Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered,"Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a Million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked,"Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The mother replied,"Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked,"Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The girl replied,"Oh my gosh! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?"

The boy then went to his brother and asked,"Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

"Of course," the brother replied."Do you know what a million Bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him,"Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

The boy replied,"Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on Three million dollars.

But 'realistically', we're just living with two hookers and a queer."

Gdlint

03-09-11, 23:31

KC Questor

03-10-11, 01:44

If I can do or not do to make my posts easier to read I will gladly change. I just don't understand? Are you talking about this? Please give example, thanks.We are talking about this:

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as.

Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk.

Shop. That should read:

"A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop."

Gdlint

03-10-11, 09:11

We are talking about this:

That should read:

"A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop."That's easy enough to fix. Done, No double spacing.

A John

03-14-11, 05:27

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane.

When another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador.

Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog.

Was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a.

'sniffing dog'.

'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is.

I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work. '

The plane took off, and once it has levelled out, the agent said, 'Watch.

This. ' He told Sniffer to 'search. '

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very.

Purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.

Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm.

The agent said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That.

Woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number.

And the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

'Say, that's pretty neat, ' replied the first man.

Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles.

The lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned.

To.

Its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.

The agent said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a.

Note of his seat number for the police. '

I like it! ' said his seat mate.

The agent then told Sniffer to 'search' again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a.

Moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle.

Seat and proceeded to shit all over the place.

The first man was really grossed out by this behavior and couldn't.

Figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked.

The agent, 'What's going on? '

The agent nervously replied, 'He just found a bomb. '

KC Questor

03-14-11, 16:29

See, it happened again. This should read:

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'."His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane took off, and once it has levelled out, the agent said, 'Watch this. ' He told Sniffer to 'search. '

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.

Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm.

The agent said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

'Say, that's pretty neat, ' replied the first man.

Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles.

The lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.

The agent said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police. '

I like it! ' said his seat mate.

The agent then told Sniffer to 'search' again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to shit all over the place.

The first man was really grossed out by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the agent, 'What's going on? '

The agent nervously replied, 'He just found a bomb. '