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I had a call from a charity asking me to
donate some of my clothes to the
starving people throughout the world.
I told them to get lost!
Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!!
Sad but true...
If a, conservative doesn't like guns, he doesn't buy one. If a liberal
doesn't like guns, then no one should have one.
If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn't eat meat. If a liberal is,
he wants to ban all meat products for everyone.
If a conservative sees a foreign threat, he thinks about how to defeat his enemy.
A liberal wonders how to surrender gracefully and still look good.
If a conservative is homosexual, he quietly enjoys his life. If a
liberal is homosexual, he loudly demands legislated respect.
If a black man or Hispanic is conservative, he sees himself as
independently successful. His liberal counterparts see themselves as
victims in need of government protection.
If a conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his
situation. A liberal wonders who is going to take care of him.
If a conservative doesn't like a talk show host, he switches channels.
Liberals demand that those they don't like be shut down.
If a conservative is a non-believer, he doesn't go to church. A liberal
wants any mention of God or religion silenced.
If a conservative decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for
it, or may choose a job that provides it. A liberal demands that his
neighbors pay for his
This is hilarious.......Tom-Mabe does a video, this one is the cheating wife.
http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xa874c_tom-mabe-eavesdropping_news
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in
real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,
'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
No, wait, it's Halle Berry!
http://www.usasexguide.info/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=83166
Yikes! I guess it is true what they say, kids suck the life out of you.
Misfit
LordBlackAdder
10-11-09, 14:18
Child bearing "more painful for men" confirm experts
Tests carried out by the Department of Sociology on behalf of University Oxford have proved conclusively that virtually all aspects of childbearing and childbirth are likely to be more stressful for men than for women.
The team of experts (by amazing coincidence all members of the same rugby XIV) set out to investigate the link between perceived pain and real pain.
Early tests completely exploded the myth that women suffer more physical and mental trauma than their male counterparts and the balance was actually slightly in men's favour by around 75/25.
The team also floated a theory that because men are not actually going through the pleasures associated with pregnancy, they are in fact suffering exponientially by not being able to enjoy the physical joys that childbearing naturally brings.
The long held view that men tended to sit around wondering what all the fuss was about (rightly or wrongly) was also found to be questionable.
It appears generations of long suffering males have somehow managed to hide their heartfelt concerns about the pregnancy rather than complain about it to their partners.
It soon became obvious to researchers that evolution has bestowed men with great levels of tolerance, both physical and mental during their months of unparalleled hardship.
Field tests also proved that the male partner was found to suffer mostly in areas of their lives not fully understood or appreciated by their female counterparts.
It was discovered that over the course of a routine 9 month pregnancy the male partner would be expected to endure inordinate lifestyle upheavals in order to facilitate the constant changing ‘needs’ of a pregnant partner.
Aspects of his social life could change dramatically but because so little fuss was made, it often went undetected.
Worrying indicators of raised stress levels, such as a declining golf handicap or misplaced night-fishing permit would often impact on his usually impeccable time-keeping?
Bouts of ‘stress induced disorientation’ (invariably following a hard day’s work) were common place and not helped by the ‘faddy’ culinary choices made by partners at mealtimes.
The increased stress levels would often mean the male partner was forced to catch up on work related issues with colleagues, at times hastily fitted in at some public house or wine bar.
Males attending the birth of a child noticed that the slight discomfort (or 'pain' as it is often called) of childbirth could easily be relieved by the simple application of various over-the counter ointments or remedies as long as the midwife had a plentiful supply of clean towels and some hot water before he nipped down the local for some fresh air.
They all agreed the ‘wetting of the baby’s head’ was far more hazardous than the actual birth appeared to be.
Much careful planning was needed if it was to pass without mishap or incident. Men would often find friends and work colleague’s ideal for helping out at such a stressful time in his life.
Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton. One student turned in the following book report,
With the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!
His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.
Titanic:.... Cost - $29.99
Clinton :..... Cost - $29.99
Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton :... Over 3 hours to read
Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton :... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic:.... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton :...... Bill is a bullshit artist.
Titanic:.... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton :.... Ditto for Bill.
Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton :..... Ditto for Monica.
Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton :... Let's not go there.
Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton :.... Monica' s forced to return her gifts.
Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton :..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.
Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton :..... Monica.. ooh, let's not go there, either.
Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton :..... Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing
Wal-Mart announced that sometime in 2010, it will begin offering customers a new discount item: Walmart's own brand of wine.
The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2 - $5 range.
Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to put a bottle of Walmart brand into their shopping carts, but "there is a market for inexpensive wine," said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at the University of Arkansas.
"But the right name is important."
Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Walmart wine brand.
The top surveyed names in order of popularity were:
10. Chateau Traileur Parc
9. White Trashfindel
8. Big Red Gulp
7. World Championship Riesling
6. NASCARbernet
5. Chef Boyardeaux
4. Peanut Noir
3. I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar
2. Grape Expectations
1. Nasti Spumante
The beauty of Walmart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).
1. CLICK ON THE LINK (COFFEE MACHINE BELOW)
2. PUT THE COIN IN THE VENDING MACHINE
3. CHOOSE YOUR DRINK
4. CLICK ON THE CUP WHEN IT IS READY
5. CLICK ON "OPEN"
Enjoy!
(http://www.cartoline.it/pics/_zoom_flash.htm?immagine=scherzi_150404_01.swf)
A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After
they got settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle
from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids
yours?"
He replied, "No I work for a condom Company.
These are customer complaints."
LutzMonger
10-18-09, 19:30
A widowed lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a mostly deserted beach at Ft. Myers , Florida .
She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "How are you today?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.
"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked.
"Yes, I live over in Cape Coral ," he answered, and again he resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted," Do you like pussy cats?"
With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.
When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied. "How did you know my name was Katz?"
Baltimonger
10-18-09, 22:48
Little Billy brought his grandpa to school for grandparents day. Each grandparent stood up in front of the 4th graders and told the children about themselves. Billy's grandpa told the class he was a World War II fighter pilot who flew P51 Mustangs. He said to the children "We were the best, the Krauts couldn't stop us. we shot down every Fokker we saw. Those Nazi Fokkers had no chance against us." The teacher interrupted to tell the class that a Fokker was a type of German airplane. Grandpa said "yes they are, but the Fokkers we shot down were flying Messerschmitts".
A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store.
As he waited, he was approached by a man called Terry who asked.
"Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is? "
The little boy replied."Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla blocks and turn to your right."
Terry thanked the boy kindly and said.
"I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday.
I'll show you how to get to Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle.
"Awww, come on. You don't even know the way to the f***ing Post Office.!
Two guys are drinking in a bar.
One says, "Did you know that Elks have sex 10 to 15 times a night? "
"Aw crap., " says his friend, "and I just joined the VFW! "
LordBlackAdder
10-22-09, 17:09
I found myself a new girlfriend.
She was perfect in almost every aspect.
She was cute. Natural redhead without the redhead personality, she was fun to be around. She was low maintenece and even has a good paying job. She likes having sex and she thought I was handsome. We also share many of the same interests, In fact she even told me she liked comic books!
To bad I had to dump her. I came home the other day and discovered she obviously does not know how to take care of my comic books.
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside.. " Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos "
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man...
"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Time's Up'?"
This is really right on the mark.... I can't believe how accurate this
was - pretty eerie if you ask me!!
WHO IS YOUR ROLE MODEL???
Try it without looking at answers
1) Pick your favorite number between 1-9
2) Multiply by 3 then
3) Add 3, then again Multiply by 3 (I'll wait while you get the
calculator....)
4) You'll get a 2 or 3 digit number....
5) Add the digits together
Now with that number see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list below :
1. Hillary Clinton
2. Nelson Mandela
5. Bill Gates
6. Gandhi
7. Brad Pitt
8. Hitler
9. A John
10. Barack Obama
I know....I just have that effect on people....one day you too can be like
me.... :-) Believe it!
P.S. Stop picking different numbers. I AM YOUR IDOL, JUST DEAL WITH
IT!!!!!!
On their wedding
Night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, Her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, And informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, These holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments. Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business! '
That's when she shot him. You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to shut the hell up!
So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda pissed off because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he were brown like he other toads. He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.
Anyway... this yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother. He begs her: "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other toads. I am tired of being so visible to predators and such."
The fairy godmother whips out her magic wand and says "Abracapokus! You're brown!"
The toad looks down and sees that he is brown except for his package, which is still yellow. He says to the fairy godmother: "Wait a minute! My pecker's still yellow!"
To this the fairy godmother replies: "I don't do johnsons. You will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that." The toad thanks her and hops off on his way.
There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the very same fairy godmother. He implores her: "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other bears. None of the lady bears want to be seen with me on account of the hunters can spot me from a mile off."
She, being a nice fairy godmother, takes out her magic wand and says: "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!"
The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown with the exception of the ole twig and berries, they remain purple. He says: "My wang is still purple!"
She says: "I don't do units; you will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that."
To this the bear replies: "Well that's just dandy, but how the hell do I find The Wizard of Oz?"
The fairy godmother answers: "That's easy... just follow the yellow dick toad!"
IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOR......
IF YOU GO INTO CHINA ILLEGALLY, YOU’RE CONSIDERED A SPY AND GET HARD PRISON TIME.....
IF YOU GO INTO GERMANY ILLEGALLY, YOU GET A HEFTY FINE, WORK IT OFF OR PAY IT OFF, THEN DEPORTED.........
IF YOU GO INTO ENGLAND ILLEGALLY, YOU ARE IMMEDIATELY JAILED AND DEPORTED........
IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY....
BUT, IF YOU CROSS THE U.S. BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET:
1. A DRIVERS LICENSE
2. A SOCIAL SECURITY CARD
3. WELFARE
4. FOOD STAMPS
5. FREE HEALTH CARE
6. HOUSING SUBSIDY
7. NO TAXES
I guess I still don't understand...maybe we need to VOTE OUR LAWMAKERS OUT.
Gentle Thoughts for Today
Birds of a feather flock together and then crap on your car.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.'
If you think there is good in everybody, you
haven't met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs....'
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth . . . . . . AMEN!
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking‚ older retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them‚ "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment. chair‚ whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first? "
The girl says‚ "I'll go first." She walks past the chair‚ the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.
The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there‚ she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks‚ sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says‚ "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks‚ "Can you top that? "
The tough old golfer replies‚ "No problem‚ just get that lion out of there."
Informative, and mind boggling!
You think the war in Iraq is costing us too much? Read this:
Boy, was I confused. I have been hammered with the propaganda that it is the Iraq war and the war on terror that is bankrupting us. I now find that to be RIDICULOUS.
I hope the following 14 reasons are forwarded over and over again until they are read so many times that the reader gets sick of reading them. I also have included the URL's for verification of all the following facts.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. $11 Billion to $22 billion is spent on welfare to illegal aliens each year by state governments.
Verify at: http://*******.com/zob77
-----------------------------------------------------------------
2. $2.2 Billion dollars a year is spent on food assistance programs such as food stamps, WIC, and free school lunches for illegal aliens.
Verify at: http://www.cis.org/articles/2004/fiscalexec.html
------------------------------------------------------------------
3. $2.5 Billion dollars a year is spent on Medicaid for illegal aliens.
Verify at: http://www.cis.org/articles/2004/fiscalexec.html
-------------------------------------------------------------------
4. $12 Billion dollars a year is spent on primary and secondary school education for children here illegally and they cannot speak a word of English!
Verify at: http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANscriptS/0604/01/ldt.0.html
---------------------------------------------------------------
5. $17 Billion dollars a year is spent for education for the American-born children of illegal aliens, known as anchor babies.
Verify at http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANscriptS/0604/01/ldt.01.html
--------------------------------------------------------------
6. $3 Million Dollars a DAY is spent to incarcerate illegal aliens.
Verify at: http://transcripts.cnn.com/%20TRANscriptS/0604/01/ldt.01.html
-----------------------------------------------------------
7. 30% percent of all Federal Prison inmates are illegal aliens.
Verify at: http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANscriptS/0604/01/ldt.01.html
-----------------------------------------------------------
8. $90 Billion Dollars a year is spent on illegal aliens for Welfare & social services by the American taxpayers.
Verify at: http://premium.cnn...com/TRANSCIPTS/0610/29/ldt.01.html
-----------------------------------------------------------
9. $200 Billion dollars a year in suppressed American wages are caused by the illegal aliens.
Verify at: http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSC%20RI%20PTS/0604/01/ldt.01.html
-----------------------------------------------------------
10. The illegal aliens in the United States have a crime rate that's two and a half times that of white non-illegal aliens. In particular, their children, are going to make a huge additional crime problem in the US
Verify at: http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANscriptS/0606/12/ldt.01.html
-----------------------------------------------------
11. During the year of 2005 there were 4 to 10 MILLION illegal aliens that crossed our Southern Border also, as many as 19,500 illegal aliens from Terrorist Countries. Millions of pounds of drugs, cocaine, meth, heroin and marijuana, crossed into the U. S from the Southern border.
Verify at: Homeland Security Report: http://*******.com/t9sht
-----------------------------------------------------
12. The National policy Institute, estimated that the total cost of mass deportation would be between $206 and $230 billion or an average cost of between $41 and $46 billion annually over a five year period.'
Verify at: http://www.nationalpolicyinstitute.org/pdf/deportation.pdf
------------------------------------------------------
13. In 2006 illegal aliens sent home $45 BILLION in remittances to their countries of origin.
Verify at: http://www..rense.com/general75/niht.htm>
------------------------------------------------------
14. 'The Dark Side of Illegal Immigration: Nearly One million sex crimes Committed by Illegal Immigrants In The United States .'
Verify at: http: // www.drdsk.com/articleshtml
------------------------------------------------
The total cost is a whopping $ 338.3 BILLION DOLLARS A YEAR AND IF YOU'RE LIKE ME HAVING TROUBLE UNDERSTANDING THIS AMOUNT OF MONEY; IT IS $338,300,000,000.00 WHICH WOULD BE ENOUGH TO STIMULATE THE ECONOMY FOR THE CITIZENS OF THIS COUNTRY.
Are we THAT stupid? YES, FOR LETTING THOSE IN THE U.S. CONGRESS GET AWAY WITH LETTING THIS HAPPEN YEAR AFTER YEAR!!!!!
If this doesn't bother you then just delete the message. If, on the other hand, it does raise the hair on the back of your neck, I hope you forward it to every legal resident...........
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CgQi3luRy5c&feature=player_embedded
There will be --NO NATIVITY SCENE IN WASHINGTON THIS YEAR!
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States Capital this Christmas season.
This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol.
A search for a Virgin continues.
There will be no problem however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started cussing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Fuckn' Cheerios!"
Maria just got married, and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you." So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest.
Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria", says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Maria ran downstairs to her mother.
"Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!" "Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you." So, up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"
"Stay here and stir the pasta", says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!"
Trunk Monkey - 4 NEW Episodes!!!
http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=4TrunkMo.wmv
Hyundai... We'll do ANYTHING!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LOh2pci5GNg
Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one night, a drunk American led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.
'What's that big brass gong for? ' one of the friend's asked
'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Australian clock' he drunkenly replied.
'A talking Australian clock. Seriously? '
'Yup. ' 'Hmmm (hic). '
'How's it work? ' the second friend asked, squinting at it.
'Just watch' he said.
He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and stepped back.
His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.
Suddenly, a Australian voice from the other side of the wall screamed,
'For f*#k's sake, you stupid b*ast*Road. It's ten past three in the f***ing morning! '
Asked by a friend
Do you known what sex position will make ugly baby?
--Don't known
Go home and ask you mom.
A little old guy is Walking around in a supermarket calling out, Crisco, Crissssssscoooo!'
Soon an assistant Manager approaches and says, 'Sir, the Crisco is in aisle 3.'
The old guy replies, Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my wife. She's in here somewhere'
The clerk is astonished.
'Your wife's name is Crisco?'
The old guy answers, 'Oh No, no, no. I only call her that when we're Out in public.'
'I see,' said the clerk.
'What do you call her at Home?'
'Lard ass.'
Little John in trouble again at school, father picked him up and asked
What you has done boy?
Son. Dad I said a bad word.
Dad-What word son?
Son- ****.
Dad. Do you known what that mean?
Son. No
When they get home father took the picture of the playboy centerfold and he circle the vagina and ask his son-
Do you known what is this?
Son-No
Dad-This is the Vagina son and outside the circle, that the ****.
Dear DIARY: DAY 1
All packed for the cruise ship. All my sexiest dresses and make-up. Really excited.
DEAR DIARY: DAY 2
Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins.
Met the Captain today. Seems a very nice man.
DEAR DIARY: DAY 3
At the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful
Time. He is very attractive and attentive.
DEAR DIARY: DAY 4
Won $800. 00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.
DEAR DIARY: DAY 5
Pool again today, got sun burnt, and went inside to drink at piano bar for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks Really is charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me if I did not let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was shocked.
DEAR DIARY: DAY 6
Today I saved 1, 600 lives.
Twice.
LordBlackAdder
11-19-09, 20:16
Hunt for ‘female Viagra’ over as doctors discover ‘shopping’
Men poor at shopping foreplay; just like to get in and out
Scientists have found that a man presenting his credit card in exchange for shoes, clothes and handbags can do wonders for a woman’s sex drive.* The experience of ’shopping’ can be further heightened by the male periodically offering comments such as ‘Definitely the Jimmy Choos’ or ‘No, your bum looks great in that’, but men were delighted after trials showed that not lasting the duration did nothing to reduce the woman’s pleasure.
‘Shopping’ was discovered by a male researcher when his wife forgot her purse on a trip into town. ‘When we got home it was as if she was a different woman – the exact same fantasy, in fact, that I’d been using to help me get it up.’
However, doctors have warned men that their partner’s side effects, such as an increased tolerance of time spent in the pub, are likely to wear off quickly and require further treatments.
A study worth sharing with friends both male and female:
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is In her menstrual cycle. For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.
No further studies are expected.
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning
- The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
- The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
- The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies. "
So, on the way home, 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
- He said "Do you have any Rye bread? "
- She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some? "
- He said, "I want 5 loaves. "
- She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves. By the time you get to the
3rd loaf, it'll be hard. "
- He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this shit but me"
When I was 16, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. When I was 18, I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad, impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition. When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me, took everything I owned, and ran off with my best friend. Then I realized my mistake. I just wanted a girl with big tits.
Preheat Oven to 400 degrees
Ingredients:
One twenty pound turkey
1/4 cup vegetable oil
One pound Orville Redenbacher's popcorn
Instructions:
Coat popcorn with vegetable oil and stuff into turkey cavity. Roast in 400 degree oven until popcorn pops and blows the ass off of the turkey.
Enjoy
LordBlackAdder
11-28-09, 20:28
A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.
The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, ‘Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I’ve seen a man do in my whole life.’
The Harley rider replies, ‘Why, it was nothing, really. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt was right.’
The reporter says, ‘Well, I’ll make sure this won’t go unnoticed. I’m a journalist, you know, and tomorrow’s paper will have this story on the front page… So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?’
The biker replies, ‘I’m a U.S. Marine and a Republican.’ The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH
LordBlackAdder
11-28-09, 20:37
The grotesquely wrong answers that some contestants give on quiz programmes would surely make most participants think twice before applying.
THE ARTS
PRESENTER: Who painted the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel?
CALLER: Leonardo di Caprio.
(2CR FM)
BIOLOGY
PRESENTER: Was the Tyrannosaurus Rex a carnivore or a herbivore?
CONTESTANT: No, it was a dinosaur.
(Are You Smarter Than A Ten-Year-Old?)
ANNE ROBINSON: What type of bear lives in the Arctic?
CONTESTANT (after much thought): Penguin.
(The Weakest Link)
CLASSICS
ANNE ROBINSON: What was the principal language used by the ancient Romans?
CONTESTANT: Greek.
(The Weakest Link)
DOMESTIC SCIENCE
PRESENTER: Emmental and Double Gloucester are both types of what?
CALLER: Banks.
(Breakfast Toaster Quiz, Heart FM)
ENGLISH LITERATURE
JEREMY PAXMAN: Of all Beatrix Potter’s books, which is the only one to feature a human in the title?
ANTONY BEEVOR (author and historian): Peter Rabbit (Celebrity edition of University Challenge)
(BBC Radio 2)
ANNE ROBINSON: What ‘B’ was a pseudonym used by Charles Dickens?
CONTESTANT: Bart Simpson.
FILM STUDIES
STEVE WRIGHT: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loincloth did he play?
CALLER: Jesus.
SPORT
ANNE ROBINSON: The point on a golf club or a tennis racket that gives the best contact is alliteratively known as the what spot?
CONTESTANT: The g-spot.
ANNE ROBINSON: In 1975 the first black tennis player to win the Wimbledon Men’s Singles title was Arthur who?
CONTESTANT: Askey.
ANNE ROBINSON: Who won the U.S. Open Tennis Championship wearing a black dress modelled on Audrey Hepburn’s in Breakfast at Tiffany’s?
CONTESTANT: Roger Federer.
(All the Weakest Link)
MUSIC
PRESENTER: Name the festival started in 1895 by Sir Henry Wood.
CALLER: Glastonbury.
(TalkSPORT)
GEOGRAPHY
DARREN DAY: What area of Germany is the cake named after, made with chocolate, cream, kirsch and cherries?
CONTESTANT: Belgium?
(Spin Star, ITV1)
PRESENTER: What is the capital of Cuba?
CALLER: Ermmm…
PRESENTER: Take your time.
CALLER: Ermmm…
PRESENTER: Go on, have a guess.
CALLER: Is it Belgium?
PRESENTER: Er, not quite.
(Sun FM, Sunderland)
DALE WINTON: Alderney and Sark - are they part of the Channel Islands?
CONTESTANT: Ooooh! Is that the English Channel? I don’t know, are there islands in the English Channel? I’ve never heard of any. France - that’s near the English Channel isn’t it?
(In It To Win It, BBC1)
ANNE ROBINSON: Pakistan was part of which other state until it achieved independence in 1947?
CONTESTANT: Bulgaria.
(The Weakest Link)
DAVE LEE TRAVIS: In which European country are there people called Walloons?
CALLER: Wales.
QUIZMASTER: Where is the Sea of Tranquility?
CONTESTANT: Ibiza. (RI:SE, Channel 4)
MATHS
ANNE ROBINSON: What kind of dozen is 13?
CONTESTANT: Half a dozen.
(The Weakest Link)
MEDICINE
STEVE WRIGHT: On what part of the body is a lobotomy performed?
CONTESTANT: The bottom.
(BBC Radio 2)
HISTORY
PRESENTER: What was the date of the Battle of Hastings?
CONTESTANT: Ooooh! Er.... was it 1974?
(Galaxy Radio, Leeds)
ANNE ROBINSON: Which English queen rode a chariot with knives on the wheels?
CONTESTANT (full of confidence): Victoria!
(The Weakest Link)
PRESENTER: Which ancient army was discovered in China in 1974?
CONTESTANT: The Territorial Army.
PRESENTER: What was Hitler’s first name?
CONTESTANT: Heil. (BBC Radio Merseyside)
(Breeze FM)
ANNE ROBINSON: What ‘T’ did British POWs use to escape from Second World War German prison camps?
CONTESTANT: I don’t know. Was it herbal?
(The Weakest Link)
POLITICS
PRESENTER: Who was the Prime Minister before Tony Blair?
CALLER: George Bush.
(Viking FM)
PRESENTER: Name Prince Charles’s younger sister.
CALLER: Is it Camelia?
(The Ugly Phil Breakfast Show, Kerrang! Radio)
RELIGIOUS STUDIES
PRESENTER: What religion was Guy Fawkes?
CALLER: Jewish.
PRESENTER: That’s close enough.
(BRMB)
ANNE ROBINSON: In Roman Catholicism, baptism, confirmation and matrimony are three of the seven what?
CONTESTANT: Deadly sins.
(The Weakest Link)
SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY
ANNE ROBINSON: What man made structure built during the 3rd century BC is often said to be visible from space?
CONTESTANT: The Millennium Dome.
(The Weakest Link)
Presenter: Which prominent Birmingham family had a toposcope constructed in 1923 for the top of Beacon Hill in Lickey Hills?
CALLER: The Osbournes.
(BBC Radio WM)
GENERAL STUDIES
TERRY WOGAN: Which Duke resides at Woburn Abbey?
CONTESTANT: Hazzard. (Wogan’s Perfect Recall, Channel 4)
PRESENTER: According to legend, who shot an apple off the top of his son’s head?
CONTESTANT: Well, straightaway I’m thinking of Isaac Newton.
(Are You Smarter Than A Ten-Year-Old?)
Question:
What do you get when you mix PMS with GPS?
Answer:
A crazy ***** who WILL find you!
Q. What’s the difference between a SUV and a golf ball?
A. Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.
What is the difference between a golf ball and a SUV?
Tiger can drive a golf ball.
Random Thoughts for the Day:
1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don t want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this -- ever.
15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
18. My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?
19. I think the freezer deserves a light as well..
20. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a
hole in one.
What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 300 yards.
Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash, but he's still below par.
What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning?
They went clubbing.
Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn’t decide
between a wood and an iron.
Ping just offered Elin Woods an endorsement contract pushing her own set of
drivers. They said to named Elin Woods..."clubs you can beat Tiger with."
Tiger just changed his nickname but still kept it in the cat family--his new
name?: Cheetah
Since Tiger drives an Escalade, can he blame the accident on his caddy?
A Cowboy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache. "
The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow. "
The guy replies, "If you weren't such a *****, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep.
KC Questor
12-08-09, 18:10
As of Monday seven women had come forward saying they had affairs with Tiger. Today, two more spoke up.
I wonder if Tiger played all 18 holes, or just the front nine.
Seva Lurker
12-08-09, 20:43
As of Monday seven women had come forward saying they had affairs with Tiger. Today, two more spoke up.
I wonder if Tiger played all 18 holes, or just the front nine.By my math, he went from 21 holes to 27 holes. But then maybe they weren't all three hole qualified. :D Maybe he took the best 18 holes from the 27 available.
Member #4434
12-09-09, 00:37
What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus ???
Santa stops after 3 Ho's !!!
A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.
After having great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles. Something she loved to do.
As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that? "
Because, she replied, "I miss mine. "
Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
A random national poll was conducted of 10, 000 women as to whether they would ever have sex with Tiger. The results are as follows:
12% Yes
18% No
70% Not Again.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bxJYAOYngCw&feature=player_embedded
The one cent beer...........
http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=The_one_cent_beer.wmv
98% Of People Say 'oh Shit' Before
Going In The Ditch On A Slippery Road.
The Other 2% Are From Pennsylvania And They Say, 'hold My Beer And Watch This.'
How to drop your wife off at work.......................
http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=other&file=gettin_to_work.wm
LordBlackAdder
12-14-09, 12:36
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers.
“Hello?”
“Mrs. Sanders, please.”
“Speaking.”
“Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones at St. Agnes Laboratory. When your husband’s doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.”
“What do you mean?” Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
“Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer’s and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can’t tell which is which.”
“That’s dreadful! Can you do the test again?” questioned Mrs. Sanders.
“It used to be we could, but the new health care system will only pay for these expensive tests just one time.”
‘’Well, what am I supposed to do now? “
“The folks at ‘ObamaCare’ recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don’t have sex with him.”
Tiger Woods Game...............you knew it was coming. Use the up-and-down arrows on your keypad to guide the Escalade.
http://video1.break.com/dnet/media/2009/12/tiger-woods-wife-outrun-video-game.swf
Today the Sheriff's Office found an unidentified man's body in a park nearby. They describe him as having a Beer Belly, Saggy Balls, Wrinkly Ass and a Small Dick.
Are You Okay?
Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor.. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife , Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked: 'Did you see anything that you like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said: 'Well, you can have it, but it will cost you $500.'
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.
Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2pm Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2pm sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.
Jim quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bob came home from work at 6pm and upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'
With a lump in her throat Sue answered: 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked: 'And did he give you $500?'
Sue, using her best poker face, replied: 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.'
Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying: 'He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'
Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player.
Tiger Woods Commemorative Plates..............
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jkOYF7Un_iM
Why some girls should walk backwards..........
http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=other&file=WO_Why_some_girls_should_walk_backwards.pps
Twas the night of Thanksgiving and out of the house Tiger Woods came a flyin', chased by his spouse.
She wielded a nine iron and wasn't too merry, Cause a bimbo's phone number was in his Blackberry.
He'd been cheatin' on Elin, and the story progressed.
Woman after woman stepped up and confessed.
He'd been cheatin' with Holly, and Jaimee, and Cori, With Joselyn, and Kalika. The world had the story.
From the top of the Tour to the basement of blues, Tiger's sad sordid tale was all over the news.
With hostesses, waitresses, he had lots of sex, When not in their pants, he was sendin' them texts.
Despite all his cryin' and beggin' and pleadin', Tiger's wife went investin' -- a new home in Sweden.
And I heard her exclaim from her white Escalade, "If you're gettin' laid then I'm gettin' paid."
She's not pouting, in fact, she is of jolly good cheer, Her prenup made Christmas come early this year.
Celibacy can be a choice in life or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend, Walter and his wife, Ann, listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other. '
He then addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower? ' Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently and whispered,
'Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it? ' And thus began Walter's life of celibacy.
Dear Santa,
Please send me a baby brother.
Santa wrote back:
"Send me your mother..."
SCHWEATY BALLS.................
http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=SCHWEATY_BALLS.wmv
A man goes to San Francisco on business. When he arrives, he decides to stop into a local bar for a beer. Once there, he begins chatting up an attractive woman who he soon realizes is a working girl.
He asks the working girl how much it would be for a hand job?
“$500,” she says.
“$500!” says the man.
“Yes, do you like this bar?” she asks. “I bought this bar with all the money I received from my hand jobs. I’m that good at it.”
So, the two go into the back room and she proceeds to give him the best hand job of his life.
In two weeks, the businessman goes back to San Francisco to the same bar. This time he asks for a blow job.
“$2000,” she says.
“$2000! You’ve got to be kidding!” says the man.
“Let me show you something,” she says as she leads him out the front door. “See all the buildings on this block? I own them all. I got them from giving the best BJ’s in San Francisco.”
So, the two go upstairs and she proceeds to give him the best head he’s ever had.
In two weeks, he’s back again and this time he wants to get laid.
“Let me show you something,” says the woman. He takes the man upstairs on the balcony overlooking the city of San Francisco.
She then says: “See this beautiful city. I would own all of it if I only had a Pussy.”
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess.... 'Will you marry me?'
The Princess said, ‘NO!!!'
The Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
The End
Mister Quick
12-24-09, 12:07
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess.... 'Will you marry me?'
The Princess said, ‘NO!!!'
The Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
The EndI bet he also got to watch what he wanted to watch on TV and had the kind of car he wanted wanted to drive, also.
It's a slow day in a little East Texas town. The sun is beating down, and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.
On this particular day a rich tourist from back east is driving through town. He stops at the motel and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.
As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.
The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.
The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.
The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on t he counter so the rich traveler will not suspect anything.
At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the $100 bill, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town
No one produced anything. No one earned anything.
However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.
And that, gentlemen, is how the United States Government is conducting business today.
Except that the government gets sales and income tax every time money changes hands
It's a slow day in a little East Texas town. The sun is beating down, and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.
On this particular day a rich tourist from back east is driving through town. He stops at the motel and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.
As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.
The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.
The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.
The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on t he counter so the rich traveler will not suspect anything.
At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the $100 bill, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town
No one produced anything. No one earned anything.
However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.
And that, gentlemen, is how the United States Government is conducting business today.
Except that the government gets sales and income tax every time money changes hands
Not from the prostitute! (except in certain counties in Nevada...)
SCHWEATY BALLS.
http://www.Yourfilehost.com/media.php? Cat=video&file=SCHWEATY_BALLS. WmvJust FYI. I clicked on this my computor immediately got a virus and it took me about 5 hours today dealing with it to get rid of it.
Two Woodpeckers.
An American woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in America arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The American woodpecker claimed America had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.
The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The American woodpecker was amazed.
The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the American woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeccable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers). The American woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.
The two of them flew to Canada where the American woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeccable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.
Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the American tree, and the American woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?
After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:
Apparently, Tiger Woods was right, when he said, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.
This couple comes to a new town and the guy gets a job at the local pickle factory. A few years go by and each year he wins the employee of the year award. One day in the 3rd year, he comes home looking all depressed.
His wife asks him what the matter is, to which he responds that he got fired.
"FIRED?!? How can you get fired, you're always employee of the year!!" she asked, stunned.
To this he responds that he had another fantasy that he needed to fulfill and it got him fired...
"Oh no, not again...What did you do this time?" she asks.
Well, I always fantasized about sticking my willy in the pickle slicer.
"You didn't!" she hoped.
He blushed and replied, "Well, yes I did."
Then she asks, "Did it hurt?"
"No no really," answers the man.
Puzzled she then asks, "Well what happened to the pickle slicer??"
He answers, "Oh, *she* got fired too!"
A guy walks into a pharmacy.
He says to the pharmacist, "I've heard a lot about that viagra stuff. Does it really work."
The pharmacist says, "Yeah, it works great."
The guy asks, "Do you think I could get it over the counter?"
Pharmacist says, "Well, if you took enough I suppose you could."
Are you using Windows XP, Bigdog99.?
If so a wise maneuver would be to back your computer up weekly by setting a new restore point each week.
Do you know what I'm talking about.?, here, let me explain.
1- First run all your anti-virus/anti-spy ware soft ware and make sure your computer id virus and spyware free.
2- Then Empty your Temp. Files in your internet options, and empty your recycle bind by right clicking on it and choose "Empty"
3- Then make sure all your settings are to your liking, set the clock to the right time and date.
4- Go to control panel and open "System", click on the system restore tab, then check the box for "turn off restore for all drives", this will erase all the previous back up info and create ample space there.
5- Then uncheck the box and wait till (C) drive is being monitored again, close the system and control panel boxes.
6- Now, click your START menu button and choose "all programs", then accessories, then system tools, then system restore, short cut it to your desk top for convenience.
7- Set a restore point for Windows, I call my restore points "FIX-IT", so I can go back and see it easily.
8- You can re-name your desk top short cut to system restore with the date that the restore point was set, today's date. So you know where to go the next time you want to restore.
9- Repeat this weekly, restoring to the previous week's point, then updating your Explorer, java or any other programs that automatically update.
10- Then create a new restore point and rename the short cut to system restore with that day's date. And so on, then when ever you encounter a virus, you just immediately close all windows, open System Restore and over write the virus by restoring your computer to the last restore point you made.
And Voila, all better in under a minute,,,,,,,,,, got it?I got it now! I have XP. After messing around with it for hours the other day. It was actually a good learning experience. The Virus was a. Exe file and I could not delete when my virus scanner found it. I knew exactly where it was, but it would not budge. I had to boot up in Safe Mode (by holding F8 when it fired up) then I was able to delete (a good trick to remember in the future!). But after I deleted my settings were messed up and was not able to connect to the internet, so I did a system restore to 12/31 (the first one that was available) and it finally worked! I have a program called Windows cleanup and I ran that too along with 3 other anti-virus-spam-malware programs. So I think I am all set and Virus free! Thanks for your help and I am a fan of your work! Stay safe out there.
Bigdog
Clark Kent
01-04-10, 17:05
This is just something humorous I've noticed lately. On forums here we discuss escorts, hookers and the like, and the sometimes graphic descriptions of encounters we've had with them. Why do some people on here spell ass, pussy, dick, fuck, shit, and other 'obscene' words as @ss, pvssy, d!ck, fvck, sh!t like there's some filter that would block them otherwise ? There are only three words which are banned on this website and they're listed in the forum rules, and they're words which Jackson views as generally being used to denigrate women. Words like pussy and fuck are almost as common here as and, but & or, lol.
Baltimonger
01-04-10, 17:27
This is just something humorous I've noticed lately. On forums here we discuss escorts, hookers and the like, and the sometimes graphic descriptions of encounters we've had with them. Why do some people on here spell ass, pussy, dick, fuck, shit, and other 'obscene' words as @ss, pvssy, d!ck, fvck, sh!t like there's some filter that would block them otherwise ? There are only three words which are banned on this website and they're listed in the forum rules, and they're words which Jackson views as generally being used to denigrate women. Words like pussy and fuck are almost as common here as and, but & or, lol.
There are actually 4:
B*tch
C*nt
Wh*re
and not listed: Sl*t
A women is at the bar, drinking and depressed. A man walks in a sits next to her. He too, is drinking an depressed. After awhile, the man asks the women "What are you so depressed about ??"
She Says, "My husband left me because he thought I was too kinky".
He replies "Really ?" My wife left me because she thought I was too kinky!"
They order another round of drinks, and she says to him, "Hey listen, we're both adults here, and it looks like we may have something in common....how about we finish these drinks and go back to my place and we'll see what happens?"
He says "Sounds like a great idea !!", so they finish thier drinks and leave.
When they get to her place, she says to him "Wait right here I'm gonna go jump into something more comfortable". She goes into the other room and puts on some black leather boots with 6 inch heels, a leather mini-skirt, a rubber bra with the nipples cut out, a dog collar and a leather hood. She then grabs a whip and some handcuffs and seductively enters the other room where she sees the guy putting on his coat and heading out the door.
"Where are you going ?" she asks. "I thought we were going to get kinky ?"
"Hey", he says", "I fucked your dog, I shit in your purse.....I'm outta here !!"
How men's underwear should be advertised
http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=How_mens_underwear_should_be_sold.wmv
Birds of a feather flock together . . . .and then crap on your car.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs'....
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young... Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.
Will this happen in our life time?
#25. U.S. Post Office
They are pricing themselves out of existence. With e-mail, and online services they are a relic of the past.
(refer to #9) Packages are also sent faster and cheaper with UPS.
#24. Yellow Pages
This year will be pivotal for the global Yellow Pages industry. Much like newspapers, print Yellow Pages will continue to bleed dollars to their various digital counterparts, from Internet Yellow Pages (IYPs), to local search engines and combination search/listing services like Reach Local and Yodel Factors like an acceleration of the print 'fade rate'
and the looming recession will contribute to the onslaught. One research firm predicts the falloff in usage of newspapers and print Yellow Pages could even reach 10% this year -- much higher than the 2%-3% fade rate seen in past years.
#23. Classified Ads
The Internet has made so many things obsolete that newspaper classified ads might sound like just another trivial item on a long list. But this is one of those harbingers of the future that could signal the end of civilization as we know it. The argument is that if newspaper classifieds are replaced by free online listings at sites like <http://craigslist.org/> and Google Base, then newspapers are not far behind them.
#22. Movie Rental Stores
While Netflix is looking up at the moment, Blockbuster keeps closing store locations by the hundreds. It still has about 6,000 left across the world, but those keep dwindling and the stock is down considerably in 2008, especially since the company gave up a quest of Circuit City Movie Gallery, which owned the Hollywood Video brand, closed up shop earlier this year. Countless small video chains and mom-and-pop stores have given up the ghost already.
#21. Dial-up Internet Access
Dial-up connections have fallen from 40% in 2001 to 10% in 2008. The combination of an infrastructure to accommodate affordable high speed Internet connections and the disappearing home phone have all but pounded the final nail in the coffin of dial-up Internet access.
#20. Phone Land Lines
According to a survey from the National Center for Health Statistics, at the end of 2007, nearly one in six homes was cell-only and, of those homes that had land lines, one in eight only received calls on their cells.
#19. Chesapeake Bay Blue Crabs
Maryland's icon, the blue crab, has been fading away in Chesapeake Bay . Last year Maryland saw the lowest harvest (22 million pounds) since 1945. Just four decades ago the bay produced 96 million pounds. The population is down 70% since 1990, when they first did a formal count. There are only about 120 million crabs in the bay and they think they need 200 million for a sustainable population. Over-fishing, pollution, invasive species and global warming (?) get the blame.
#18. VCRs
For the better part of three decades, the VCR was a best-seller and staple in every American household until being completely decimated by the DVD, and now the Digital Video Recorder (DVR). In fact, the only remnants of the VHS age at your local Wal-Mart or Radio Shack are blank VHS tapes these days. Pre-recorded VHS tapes are largely gone and VHS decks are practically nowhere to be found. They served us so well.
#17. Ash Trees
In the late 1990's, a pretty, iridescent green species of beetle, now known as the emerald ash borer, hitched a ride to North America with ash wood products imported from eastern Asia . In less than a decade, its larvae have killed millions of trees in theMidwest, and continue to spread. They've killed more than 30 million ash trees in southeastern Michigan alone, with tens of millions more lost in Ohio and Indiana . More than 7.5 billion ash trees are currently at risk.
#16. Ham Radio
Amateur radio operators enjoy personal (and often worldwide) wireless communications with each other and are able to support their communities with emergency and disaster communications if necessary, while increasing their personal knowledge of electronics and radio theory. However, proliferation of the Internet and its popularity among youth has caused the decline of amateur radio. In the past five years alone, the number of people holding active ham radio licenses has dropped by 50,000, even though Morse Code is no longer a requirement.
#15. The Swimming Hole
Thanks to our litigious society, swimming holes are becoming a thing of the past. '20/20' reports that swimming hole owners, like Robert Every in High Falls, NY, are shutting them down out of worry that if someone gets hurt they'll sue. And that's exactly what happened in Seattle . The city of Bellingham was sued by Katie Hofstetter who was paralyzed in a fall at a popular swimming hole in Whatcom Falls Park . As injuries occur and lawsuits follow, expect more swimming holes to post 'Keep out!' signs.
#14. Answering Machines
The increasing disappearance of answering machines is directly tied to #20 on our list -- the decline of landlines. According to USA Today, the number of homes that only use cell phones jumped 159% between 2004 and 2007. It has been particularly bad in New York ; since 2000, landline usage has dropped 55%. It's logical that as cell phones rise, many of them replacing traditional landlines, that there will be fewer answering machines.
#13. Cameras That Use Film
It doesn't require a statistician to prove the rapid disappearance of the film camera in America . Just look to companies like Nikon, the professional's choice for quality camera equipment. In 2006, it announced that it would stop making film cameras, pointing to the shrinking market -- only 3% of its sales in 2005, compared to 75% of sales from digital cameras and equipment.
#12. Incandescent Bulbs
Before a few years ago, the standard 60-watt (or, yikes, 100-watt) bulb was the mainstay of every U.S. home. With the green movement and all-things-sustainable-energy crowd, the Compact Fluorescent Lightbulb (CFL) is largely replacing the older, Edison-era incandescent bulb. The EPA reports that 2007 sales for Energy Star CFLs nearly doubled from 2006, and these sales accounted for approximately 20 percent of the U.S. light bulb market. And according to USA Today, a new energy bill plans to phase out incandescent bulbs in the next four to 12 years.
#11. Stand-Alone Bowling Alleys
U.S. claims there are still 60 million Americans who bowl at least once a year, but many are not bowling in stand-alone bowling alleys. Today most new bowling alleys are part of facilities for all types or recreation including laser tag, go-karts, bumper cars, video game arcades, climbing walls and glow miniature golf. Bowling lanes also have been added to many non-traditional venues such as adult communities, hotels and resorts, and gambling casinos.
#10. The Milkman
According to the U.S. Department of Agriculture, in 1950, over half of the milk delivered was to the home in quart bottles, by 1963, it was about a third and by 2001, it represented only 0.4% percent. Nowadays most milk is sold through supermarkets in gallon jugs. The steady decline in home-delivered milk is blamed, of course, on the rise of the supermarket, better home refrigeration and longer-lasting milk. Although some milkmen still make the rounds in pockets of the U.S., they are certainly a dying breed..
#9. Hand-Written Letters
In 2006, the Radicati Group estimated that, worldwide, 183 billion e-mails were sent each day.. Two million each second. By November of 2007, an estimated 3.3 billion Earthlings owned cell phones, and 80% of the world's population had access to cell phone coverage. In 2004, half-a-trillion text messages were sent, and the number has no doubt increased exponentially since then. So where amongst this gorge of gabble is there room for the elegant, polite hand-written letter?
#8. Wild Horses
It is estimated that 100 years ago, as many as two million horses were roaming free within the United States. In 2001, National Geographic News estimated that the wild horse population has decreased to about 50,000 head. Currently, the National Wild Horse and Burro Advisory board states that there are 32,000 free roaming horses in ten Western states, with half of them residing in Nevada . The Bureau of Land Management is seeking to reduce the total number of free range horses to 27,000, possibly by selective euthanasia.
#7. Personal Checks
According to an American Bankers Assoc. report, a net 23% of consumers plan to decrease their use of checks over the next two years, while a net 14% plan to increase their use of PIN debit. Bill payment remains the last stronghold of paper-based payments -- for the time being. Checks continue to be the most commonly used bill payment method, with 71% of consumers paying at least one recurring bill per month by writing a check. However, a bill-by-bill basis, checks account for only 49% of consumers' recurring bill payments (down from 72% in 2001 and 60% in 2003).
#6. Drive-in Theaters
During the peak in 1958, there were more than 4,000 drive-in theaters in this country, but in 2007 only 405 drive-ins were still operating. Exactly zero new drive-ins have been built since 2005. Only one reopened in 2005 and five reopened in 2006, so there isn't much of a movement toward reviving the closed ones.
#5. Mumps & Measles
Despite what's been in the news lately, the measles and mumps actually, truly are disappearing from the United States. In 1964, 212,000 cases of mumps were reported in the U.S. By 1983, this figure had dropped to 3,000, thanks to a vigorous vaccination program. Prior to the introduction of the measles vaccine, approximately half a million cases of measles were reported in the U.S. annually, resulting in 450 deaths. In 2005, only 66 cases were recorded.
#4. Honey Bees
Perhaps nothing on our list of disappearing America is so dire; plummeting so enormously; and so necessary to the survival of our food supply as the honey bee. Very scary, 'Colony Collapse Disorder,' or CCD, has spread throughout the U.S. and Europe over the past few years, wiping out 50% to 90% of the colonies of many beekeepers -- and along with it, their livelihood.
#3. News Magazines and TV News
While the TV evening newscasts haven't gone anywhere over the last several decades, their audiences have. In 1984, in a story about the diminishing returns of the evening news, the New York Times reported that all three network evening-news programs combined had only 40.9 million viewers. Fast forward to 2008, and what they have today is half that.
#2. Free TV
According to the Consumer Electronics Association, 85% of homes in the U.S. get their television programming through cable or satellite providers. For the remaining 15% -- or 13 million individuals -- who are using rabbit ears or a large outdoor antenna to get their local stations, change is in the air.
#1. The Family Farm
Since the 1930's, the number of family farms has been declining rapidly. According to the USDA, 5.3 million farms dotted the nation in 1950, but this number had declined to 2.1 million by the 2003 farm census (data from the 2007 census is just now being published). Ninety-one percent of the U.S. FARMS are small Family Farms.
MY ACCOMPLISHMENTS AND THE ROAD TO WINNING THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE
By Barack Obama
______________________________________________________
NEGROS I'VE MET WHILE YACHTING
By Tiger Woods
______________________________________________
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
By Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan.
Illustrated by Michael Moore
________________________________________
MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS & HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA
By Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton
_______________________________________
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
By Hillary Clinton
________________________________
Sequel:
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
By Bill Clinton
___________________________________
MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
By Osama Bin Laden
___________________________________
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
By Bill Gates
____________________________________
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
By Dennis Rodman
_________________________________
THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE
By Al Gore & John Kerry
_____________________________________
AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
___________________________________
A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
By Dr. J.. Kevorkian
__________________________________
ALL THE MEN WE HAVE LOVED, BEFORE ......
By Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnel
____________________________________
GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
By Mike Tyson
__________________________________
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
_______________________________________
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
By O. J. Simpson
_________________________________________
HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES
By Ted Kennedy
___________________________________
MY BOOK OF MORALS
By Bill Clinton with introduction
By the Rev. Jesse Jackson
*******************************************************
JUST ADDED:
Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy!
By Nancy Pelosi
New Tiger Movie............................
http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=TigerByTheTail.wmv
A Blond drops off a shirt at the cleaners........
The Asian lady behind the counter thanks her, and says "Come Again".
The Blond says: "No, its toothpaste this time, you nosey *****".
Liquid Oxygen
01-09-10, 00:41
A young boy had been taken for his first visit to a nudist camp by his parents. He was surprised at the different sizes of the male organs and mentioned it to his father.
The father, being rather well endowed, explained that it was a measure of intelligence, the big ones being smart and the small ones being dumb.
That afternoon the father was looking for his wife and asked his son if he had seen his mother.
"I saw her about ten minutes ago, She was with a real dumb man, but he seemed to be getting smarter all the time."
Member #3969
01-11-10, 19:05
There's a travelling salesman going door to door. He rings the bell at one house and the door is answered by a young gorgeous blond who was totally naked. He's standing there in shock when she suddenly say's "quick I hear someone coming" and she grabs his arm and pulls him inside.
Once inside, She asks him "well, do you like what you see?".
He replies, "oh, YES. Most definitely"
She then asks, "well what part of me do you like best?"
He replies, "your ears."
She asks, "my ears?"
He replies, "YES, your ears."
She asks " my ears are you sure? Not my breasts, not my legs, not my butt. You like my ears?"
He replies, "YES, your ears."
She's replies, "OK, but can I ask you why my ears?"
He replies, "Well when you said that you heard somebody coming?? It was me!!"
A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat at the counter next to a woman
and ordered a glass of champagne..
The woman perked up and said, "How about that? I just ordered a glass
of champagne, too!"
"What a coincidence." the farmer said. "This is a special day for me.
I am celebrating."
"This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating." said the
woman.
"What a coincidence!" said the farmer. As they clinked glasses, he
added, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying for two years to have a child and
today, my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!"
"What a coincidence!" said the man. "I'm a chicken farmer and for
years, all of my hens were infertile but now they are all laying fertilized
eggs."
"That's great!" said the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I used a different cock." he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, "What a
coincidence......................"
LordBlackAdder
01-12-10, 13:08
The world of cosmetic surgery heralded a new breakthrough this week, when a top Harley Street clinic announced that it has finally pioneered the first successful man boob enhancement. ‘Man boobs have long presented the surgical community with a number of challenges, not least that everyone finds them just a bit gross,’ explained Dr Angela Dreyfuss, who refused to confirm or deny whether Simon Cowell had received the surgery during its clinical trial.
‘But now we’ve engineered a compound that almost exactly replicates the 75% KFC composition of male breast tissue, we’re confident that whether men want to augment, reduce or just give their moobs a bit of a lift, we can give them the confidence they need to get their shirts off in public again. So long as they get their backs waxed too. No-one needs to see a hairy crack.’
The recipient of the first moob job, a Mr Brian Drennan from Stoke, said he was delighted with the results of his surgery, despite enduring nipples that ‘stung like a bastard’ for the first few days after the op. ‘My wife told me my moobs were lovely just as they were, but I knew they weren’t a patch on the man boobs I’d sported as a younger man,’ said Mr Drennan. ‘But since the operation, I can’t stop showing them to people. Which led to a bit of explaining when my boss walked into the gents to find four men cupping my breasts and claiming they really ‘couldn’t tell the difference’.’
As builders, darts players and former rugby professionals sign up in droves to get their moobs done, Mr Drennan has been so encouraged by his surgery that he’s already considering other procedures. ‘I’m looking into having one of those beer gut bands fitted, which will mean I can only drink small amounts of white wine spritzers,’ he said. ‘And I know there’s a lot they can do these days for wrinkly skin. But until I’m convinced they’re entirely safe, I’ll leave it a while. After all, Bollox injections are a really big step.’
The word of the day at school was
"Handsome" and Mrs. Crabtree asked if
any of the students would like to use the word of
the day in a sentence.
With excitement Little Sally raised her hand and
said aloud. "My mom
said that my dad looked very Handsome" when he left
for work this
morning.
(Mrs. Crabtree) That was excellent Sally thank you
so much for sharing!
Would anyone else like to give the class an example
of Handsome in a
sentence?
Billy raised his hand and said that the real estate
agent said that the offer on our house was a handsome one” and we
> should really consider it.
(Mrs. Crabtree) Very good Billy thank you so much!
Is there anyone else that would like to share a sentence with the
class.
Shaniqua raised her hand and wanted to share her
sentence with the class.
My moms mouth got really tired when she was giving
her boyfriend a blow job so she had to use her handsome.
A handful of 7 year old children were asked 'What they thought of beer'.
Some interesting responses, but the last one is especially touching.
'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets.'
--Tim, 7 years old
'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice. '
--Melanie, 7 years old
'My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.'
--Grady, 7 years old
''My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.'
--Toby, 7 year old
'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.
--Sarah, 7 years old
'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.'
--Lilly, 7 years old
'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.'
--Ethan, 7 years old
'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.'
--Shirley, 7 years old
AND THE BEST RESPONSE
'My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father.. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.'
--Jack, 7 years
A young couple wanted to join the church. The pastor told them, "We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex for one whole month. "
The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church. When the Pastor ushered t hem into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed.
"You are back so soon. Is there a problem? " the pastor inquired.
"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month. " the young man replied sadly.
The pastor asked him what happened.
"Well, the first week was difficult. However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. "The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. "
"However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible. Anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts."
"One afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat. " admitted the man, shamefacedly.
The pastor lowered his head and said sternly, "You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church."
"We know. " said the young man, hanging his head, "We're not welcome back at Home Depot either."
Herb decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy
felt she had to confess to her man about her childhood illness.
She informed Herb that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old.
He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much.
However, Herb felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he had a deformity too.
Herb looked Sandy in the eyes and said, 'I too have a problem. My willy
is the same size as an infant and I hope you can deal with that once we're married.'
She said, 'Yes, I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size willy.'
Sandy and Herb got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon.
Herb whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching,
teasing, and holding one another.
As Sandy put her hands in Herb's pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room!
Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong.
She said, 'You told me your willy was the size of an infant!'
'Yes, it is . 7 pounds, 8 ounces, 19 inches long.'
Be very careful the FLU SEASON IS BACK!!
http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=thesneeze.wmv
A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.
During her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.
"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained,
"I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five time s a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."
Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman..
As they passed by the next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.
Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"
Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health plan."
A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."
The little old lady waved and smiled back at him..
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.
"How come so much? I only bought 5 items."
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said
You'd be paying for her things, too."
A woman, who was beaten black and blue, goes to the doctor.
Doctor: What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk, he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. Whenever your husband comes home inebriated, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle."
Two weeks later she returns to the doctor, and looks reborn and fresh again.
Woman: "Doc that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I gargled with chamomile tea and gargled and nothing happened."
Doctor: "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps!"
Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'
They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.
They are such assholes .
ONE
I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone. I said, "Morning."
He said, "No, just taking a shit."
TWO
When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked Him to forgive me.
THREE
My girlfriend was in labor with our first child. She was shouting, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She looked at me and yelled, "You did this to me, you bastard!" I casually replied, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said, 'That would hurt too much'."
FOUR
I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
FIVE
I was walking down the road and saw my Afghanistan neighbor Abdul standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's wrong, Abdul? Won't it start?"
SIX
My girlfriend and I were making love when she looked up at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies." So I turned her over on all
fours, stuck it in her ass, pulled out, flipped her back over and came all over her face and hair. I never saw her again after that night. I guess we don't watch the same movies.
What to do with $164 million..............
http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=Lottery.wmv
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift certificate envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine imported cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific Fishing lures.
At each of the houses along his route, he was met with congratulations, farewells, cards, and gifts of all types and values.
At the final house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful young blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom. Where they had a most passionate liaison.
Afterwards, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. '. All this was just too wonderful for words, ' he said,. But what's the dollar for?
'Well, ' she said, 'last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day. And that we should do something special for you
I asked him what to give you? '
He said, ". Screw him. Give him a dollar. "
She then blushed and added, '. But the breakfast was my idea.
In 1912, the world famous Austrian gynecologist, Dr. Hermann Otto Kloepneckler, M.D. Ph.D. published the following:
"The best engine in the world is the vagina.
It can be started with one finger. It is self-lubricating. It takes any size piston. And it changes its own oil every four weeks. It is only a pity that the management system is so fucking temperamental."
I know that usual time for giving is past but, here's a wonderfully good charity to keep in mind.
http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=AGoodCharity.wmv
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend, Walter and his wife, Ann, listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other. "
He then addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower? '
Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered, 'Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it? '
And thus began Walter's life of celibacy.
A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to atavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside.
As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:
COLD BEER: $2. 00?
HAMBURGER: $2. 25?
CHEESEBURGER: $2. 50?
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $3. 50?
HAND JOB: $50. 00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.
She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.
"Yes? " she enquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you? "
The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady, " he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs? "
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs, "Why yes, yes, I sure am".
The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".
WYOMING BAR
A man is sitting in a bar far from home when Barack Obama comes on TV.
The man looks at the TV and says, "Obama is a horse's ass!"
Out of nowhere, a local jumps up and punches him in the face, knocking the guy off his bar stool, then stomps out.
He gets up, rubbing his cheek and orders another beer.
Shortly after, Michelle Obama appears on the TV. He looks at the TV and says, "She is a horse's ass too!"
Out of nowhere, another local punches him on the other side of the face, knocking him off his bar stool again.
He gets back up and looks at the bartender, "I take it this is not Obama country?"
"Nope." replies the bartender. "Horse country."
A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date..
' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'
'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.
'It's not polite.'
'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?'
'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'
Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'
'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.
'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.'
The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?
'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'
The mother is past surprised and shocked now. 'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'
'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'
'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'
'Because you got an F in sex.'
Ya think you have lived to be 80 and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to hell!
An old Pilot sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot? '
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca's, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot. '
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women. '
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot? '
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
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EDITOR'S NOTE: This report was deleted in accordance with the Forum's SPAM policy prohibiting reports containing political commentary. Please read the Forum's Posting Guidelines for further information. Thank You!
I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic".
"Wow! " I was flabbergasted.
"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have. "
She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".
"Yeah. " I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone. Everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane! "
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.
She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.
Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself! "
So I told her to fuck off.
The dentist pulls out a Novocaine needle to give the man a shot, so he can extract the man's tooth.
'No way! No needles. I hate needles' the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me! The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.
'No objection, ' the patient says. 'I'm fine with pills. '
The dentist then returns and says, Here's a Viagra tablet. '
The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer! '
It doesn't' said the dentist, 'but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth.
"As an American I am not so shocked that Obama was given
The Nobel Peace Prize without any accomplishments to his
Name, but that America gave him the White House based on the same credentials."
**Newt Gingrich**
High Riser
02-08-10, 00:43
Dougie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office. But she was dating someone else.
One day Dougie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you.
The girl looked at him, and then said, 'NO! '
Dougie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up. '
She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend.
So she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down. '
She agreed and accepts the proposal.
Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call.
Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, 'What happened? ' Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, 'The bastard had all quarters! '
Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!
Liquid Oxygen
02-09-10, 01:22
Young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.
Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear? " Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.
"Mmm, sounds lovely, " said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself, " she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old. How do you do it? "
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny. I just remove my dentures and suck 'them dry! "
Five surgeons are discussing the types of people they like to operate on.
The first surgeon says: I like to see accountants on my operating
table because when I open them up, everything inside is numbered.
The second surgeon responds: Yeah, but you should try electricians!
Everything inside them is color-coded.
The third surgeon says: No, I really think librarians are the best.
Everything inside them is in alphabetical order.
The fourth surgeon chimes in: You know, I like construction workers.
Those guys always understand when you have few parts left over.
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed:
You're all wrong ----- Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine.
Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable
Five surgeons are discussing the types of people they like to operate on.
The first surgeon says: I like to see accountants on my operating
table because when I open them up, everything inside is numbered.
The second surgeon responds: Yeah, but you should try electricians!
Everything inside them is color-coded.
The third surgeon says: No, I really think librarians are the best.
Everything inside them is in alphabetical order.
The fourth surgeon chimes in: You know, I like construction workers.
Those guys always understand when you have few parts left over.
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed:
You're all wrong ----- Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine.
Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable
A computer engineer is having a beer with an electrical engineer, a mechanical engineer and a civil engineer when he says: God must be an engineer. The Mechanical Engineer says: look at the mechanics of the bones and muscles, I bet he would have been a mechanical engineer. No no says the electrical engineer, look at the nervous system .. he is an electrical engineer. The computer engineer disagrees and says look at the brains, its processing powers and logic algorithms. The Civil Envineer says, I have evidence God is a Civil Engineer: who else would build a sewer system in an entertainment district??
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20. 00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed. Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'if I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business! '
That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, guys just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.
Paddy is planning to marry, he is, and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.
His doctor says, "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit. A small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel. "
Paddy asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor? "
The doctor replies, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue. If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did C. "
You hit her with the shovel.'
My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. She found that the problem was hair in its ears. She cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the pharmacy and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once month.
The lady goes to the pharmacy and gets some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register the Pharmacist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms."
The Pharmacist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."
The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."
The Pharmacist says: "Stay off your bicycle for a week."
Mechanic69
02-14-10, 16:45
My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. She found that the problem was hair in its ears. She cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the pharmacy and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once month.
The lady goes to the pharmacy and gets some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register the Pharmacist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms."
The Pharmacist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."
The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."
The Pharmacist says: "Stay off your bicycle for a week."
How old are you Gdlint? I heard Gene Tracy do this joke in the early '70's. Damn, i'm gett'n old.
A blonde teenage girl, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch, ' he said, 'How much will you charge me? '
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50? '
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house? '
He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it? '
The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess. I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting. '
Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
'You're finished already? ', the startled husband asked.
'Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. '
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50. 00 and handed it to her along with a Ten dollar tip.
'And by the way, ' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.
The Obama Administration will be honoring the 43rd President of the United States.
It has asked the U. S. Board on Geographical Names to name the fault-line in the tectonic area beneath Haiti after him.
The area will now officially be referred to as "Bush's Fault"
Liquid Oxygen
02-19-10, 01:36
A lady was in the delivery room starting to deliver her baby. As the head came out it was dark and had an afro. The doctor said, "Madam, have you ever slept with a black man?"\
"Well, yes, but only once."
"Once is all it takes" he replied.
Then the torso came out and it was yellow.
"Madam, have you ever slept with an oriental man?"
"Well, yes" she said, "but only once."
"Once is all it takes," he said.
When the legs came out they were red. The doctor asked her if she had ever slept with an Indian.
"Well, yes" she said, "but only once."
"Once is all it takes," he said.
He finally pulled the baby all the way out and held it upside down and slapped its bottom to make it cry. As it started to cry the woman exclaimed "Oh, thank God, at least it doesn't bark!"
First Affair
A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.
One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon..'
She looked down at his shoes and said:
'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Bob,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Bob had the largest private part
he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Bob,' the mortician
commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home.
'I have something to show
you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Bob is dead!'
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.
'Don't move until I tell you,'
she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired
as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said,
not even when they went to bed...
Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned!
with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
with your wife?'
The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
to his business down here.'
The 6th Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess..'
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied....
'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.
What's the difference between a prostitute and a cigar?
The bigger the cigar, the more expensive it is.
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?
The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a Million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'
So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'
The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'
The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million Bucks would buy?'
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically' ?'
The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially' you and I are sitting on three million dollars. But 'realistically' , we're just living with two hookers and a queer. "
Bob is a farmer in Florida He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in 'bama (that would be Alabama for you non-southerners out there).
He drives to Alabama, finds the farm and looks at the cow. He reaches under to see if the cow gives milk. When he grabs a teat and pulls....the cow becomes flatulent.
Surprised, Bob looks at the farmer who's selling the cow, then reaches under to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow breaks wind again. Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow's current owner, Bob decides to buy the cow anyway.
When he gets back to Florida, he calls over his friend, Don, and says, "Hey, Don, come and look at dis here new cow I just bought. Pull her teat, and see what happens.."
Don reaches under, pulls the teat...the cow becomes flatulent ( farts!).
Don looks at Bob and says, "Y'all bought dis here cow over in Alabama, didn't yah"
Bob is very surprised since he hadn't told Don about his trip.
Bob replies, "Yah, dats right. But how did y'all know?"
Don says, "My wife is from Alabama."
Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.
Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?
Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'
Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?
Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, ' April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no I'll effects, the Father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "
"No", the woman replied. "I'm with the IRS."
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a three (3) year old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. The mom pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed three year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place . . . smack his ass again!"
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, "I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week."
The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a "thank you" card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, "I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week."
The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a "thank you" card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, "I can not accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week."
The Congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friend, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
A surgeon went to check on his young female patient after an operation.
She was awake, so he examined her. "You'll be fine," he said.
She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"
The surgeon seemed pause, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."
A professor at the University of Michigan was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.
Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'
She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.'...
It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom............
A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone. "
"No more headaches? "
The husband asks, ''What happened? "
His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat "I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache. "
It worked! The headaches are all gone. "
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful. "
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that? "
The husband agrees to try it
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back. "
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful! "
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back. " He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back. "
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, She sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
"She's not my Wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife. "
His funeral service will be held on Friday.
U.S. Olympian Lindsey Vonn was stripped of her gold medal.
The medal was given to Barrak Obama when it was determined.
That he was going downhill faster than she was.
These two poor black kids go to a birthday party at a rich white kid's house. The kid is so rich that he has his own swimming pool and all the kids go in.
As they're changing afterwords, one of the poor kids says to the other one, "Did you notice how small the rich kids' weenies were?"
"Yeah," says his mate, "It's probably because they get toys to play with."
An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be. "
The priest replies: "Get out you Idiot . You're on my side! "
This report was deleted in accordance with the Forum's Posting Guidelines prohibiting political commentary except in the designated political threads which are identified in the thread title as having been established for political discussions.
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Thank You!
Jackson
At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"
"Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.
"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"
"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
I took a Cadillac Escalade out for a test drive just to drive that sucker before they become extinct. The salesman sat in the back seat describing the car and all its wonderful options.
The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.
I stated the car must be a Republican car. Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican car and I explained that if it were a Democratic car, the seats would blow smoke up your ass year-round.
I had to walk back to the dealership but it was worth it.
This report was deleted in accordance with the Forum's Posting Guidelines prohibiting political commentary except in the designated political threads which are identified in the thread title as having been established for political discussions.
Please read the Forum's Posting Guidelines for further information.
Thank You!
Jackson
A Montana rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door.
A young boy, about 9, opened the door "Is your Dad home? " the rancher asked.
"No sir, he isn't, " the boy replied. "He went into town. "
"Well, " said the rancher, "Is your Mother here? "
"No sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad. "
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here? "
"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad. "
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you? " the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message for Dad. "
"Well, " said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Jasmine, pregnant. "'
The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that, " he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Howard. "
LordBlackAdder
03-12-10, 23:58
#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.
#3. A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the number one reason a gun is favored over a wife....
#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN and YOUR LICENSE MUST BE RENEWED AFTER 5 YEARS OR IT IS NULL AND VOID.
An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects. 1. A Bible. 2. A silver dollar. 3. A bottle of whiskey. 4. And a Hustler magazine. 'I'll just hide behind the door, ' the old preacher said to himself. 'When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would B. And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer. 'The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold. 'Lord have mercy, ' the old preacher disgustedly whispered. 'He's going to run for Congress.'
http://www.dreamindemon.com/2010/03/08/crashed-caused-by-woman-shaving-her-vagina-while-driving/?awesm=fbshare.me_AJhMm
Cudjoe Key, Florida - I have always wanted to use that headline. Never really thought I would get to, but thanks to 37-year-old Megan Mariah Barnes I get to cross something off my list. Police say that she was driving to meet her boyfriend and wanted to make sure her vagina didn’t look like a panting dog, so she got her former husband to hold the steering wheel while she shaved her bikini line. This resulted in the pair running into the back of a pickup truck whose two passengers receiving minor injuries. Barnes was charged with driving with a revoked license, reckless driving, driving with no insurance, and of leaving the scene of a wreck with injuries. Yes, a revoked license. See, the day before Barnes had lost her license for five years because of drunk driving. She faces up to a year in jail. Traffic() cop Gary Dunick said: “If I wasn’t there, I wouldn’t have believed it. Nothing will ever beat this.”
5 Levels of a Hangover
One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 Cokes and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.
Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00am Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.
Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke -- yet you haven't peed once.
Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else You might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars. Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.
Five Star Hangover (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over you're a$$. Death sounds pretty good about right now....
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious
Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have s#x.
Nope, no more booze for me.
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Good evening officer isn't it lovely out tonight.
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
ONE
I was walking through the cemetery this morning and
saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone. I said, "Morning."
He said, "No, just taking a shit."
TWO
When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new
bike. Then I realized that God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike
and asked Him to forgive me.
THREE
My girlfriend was in labor with our first child. She was shouting, "Get
this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She looked at me and yelled, "You did this
to me, you bastard!" I casually replied, "If you remember, I wanted to stick
it up your ass but you said, 'That would hurt too uch'."
FOUR
I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual
checkup. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked
why and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
FIVE
I was walking down the road and saw my Afghanistan neighbor Abdul standing
on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's wrong, Abdul? Won't it tart?"
And my fav.
SIX
My girlfriend and I were making love when she looked up at me and said,
"Make love to me like in the movies." So I turned her over on all fours,
stuck it in her ass, flipped her back over ramed my shitty shaft down her throut , pulled out, and came all over her face and hair. I never saw her again after that night.
I guess we don't watch the same movies.
An illegal immigrant picks up a hooker.
"Hey, how much you charge for da hour, sister?" he asks.
"$100," she replies.
In broken English, he says, "Do you do immigrant style?"
"No" she says.
"I pay you $200 to do immigrant style."
"No," she says, not knowing what immigrant style is.
"I pay you $300."
"No," she says.
"I pay you $400."
"No," she says.
So finally he says, "OK, I pay $1,000 to do immigrant style."
She thinks, "Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now.
I've had every kind of request from weirdoes from every part of the world. How bad could immigrant style be?"
So she agrees and has sex with him. Finally, after several hours, they finish.
Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "Hey, I was expecting something perverted
and disgusting. But that was good. So, what exactly is immigrant style?"
The illegal immigrant replies, "You send bill to Government."
AND THAT MY FRIENDLY TAXPAYERS , IS EXACTLY HOW THE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS ARE SCREWING US!
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"Have you ever served in the military?"
"Yes, he says, "I was in Iraq for two years."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"
"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp...."
Doctor: "I have a real good medicine against that: When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle." Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor and looks reborn and fresh again.
Woman: "Doc, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk I gargled repeatedly with chamomile tea and he never touched me."
Doctor: "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps?"
Love it.............
"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place, ' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon? '
'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.
If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift. '
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now. ' I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.
Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there? '
'Oh, certainly! ' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.
By tying this string to the tip of our Johnson, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76. 39%.
I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back? '
'Well, ' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon. '
Not sure if this is true, But i like it............
His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer. One day, while trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools and ran to the bog.
There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death.
The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse surroundings. An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved.
'I want to repay you,' said the nobleman. 'You saved my son's life.'
'No, I can't accept payment for what I did,' the Scottish farmer replied waving off the offer. At that moment, the farmer's own son came to the door of the family hovel.
'Is that your son?' the nobleman asked.
'Yes,' the farmer replied proudly.
'I'll make you a deal. Let me provide him with the level of education my own son will enjoy If the lad is anything like his father, he'll no doubt grow to be a man we both will be proud of.' And that he did.
Farmer Fleming's son attended the very best schools and in time, graduated from St. Mary's Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin.
Years afterward, the same nobleman's son who was saved from the bog was stricken with pneumonia.
What saved his life this time? Penicillin.
The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill .. His son's name?
Sir Winston Churchill.
Someone once said: What goes around comes around.
At the Saturday night tent revival the preacher announces,
"Anyone with 'needs' to be prayed over, come forward,
to the front at the altar."
Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks:
Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other
hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays,
he prays a blue streak for Leroy.
After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks,
"Leroy how is your hearing now?"
Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't 'til next Wednesday.
My small grandson got lost at the shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed security guard and said,
"I've lost my grandpa!" The guard asked, "What's his name?" "Grandpa"
The guard smiled, then asked, "What's he like?"
The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied,
"Jack Daniels whiskey, and women with big tits."
A Drug Enforcement Administration officer stops at a ranch in Texas and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I'm here to inspect your ranch for marijuana."
The rancher points and says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there."
"Mister," the DEA officer explodes, "I've got the authority of the federal government with me!" He produces his badge from his pocket and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this? This badge means I'm allowed to go wherever I want -- no questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? You understand me, old man?"
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's gigantic Santa Gertrudis bull.
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified.
The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs: "Your badge. Show him your BADGE!"
A Mafia Don finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of TEN MILLION dollars. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is." The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.
The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens !"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
Sorry if this is not the place for this. I looked in general but did not see a place it would fit their ether.
I say something on TV tonight, they talk about something called Vajazzling. From what little I've read and found pictures for, I was wondering if anyone has come across this anywhere? Piercings, tatoos, Vajazzle, what could possible be the next beauty styling.
KC Questor
04-01-10, 01:06
Not sure if this is true, But i like it............<snip>
http://www.snopes.com/glurge/fleming.asp
It's not true, but sure would be great if it were!
A man was sitting on the sofa watching TV when he heard his wife's voice from the kitchen.
What would you like for dinner Love? Chicken, beef or lamb?
He said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken. "
"Fuck You. You're having soup. I was talking to the cat"
I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping center and rolled Down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.
She was stretched full-out on the back seat And I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.
I walked to the curb backward, Pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, 'Now you stay. Do you hear me? '
'Stay! Stay! '
The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady, Gave me a strange look and said,
'Why don't you just put it in PARK? '
A solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the airports.
Have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you but will DETONATE ANY EXPLOSIVE DEVICE YOU MAY HAVE ON YOU!
It would be a win-win for everyone and there would be none of this crap about racial profiling and this method would eliminate a long and expensive trial. Justice would be quick and swift. Case closed!
This is so simple that it is brilliant. I can see it now: You're in the airport and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system, "Attention, standby passengers, we now have a seat available on Flight number...":)
Richmond Fotog
04-07-10, 12:50
No, everyone does not realize that most of those Craigslist "Casual Encounters"
ads are entirely bogus:
http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2010/0406101craigslist1.html
Richmond Fotog
04-07-10, 12:51
Memo to johns everywhere: When you've paid a gal $50 for some cheap thrills in
a White Castle bathroom, don't call the cops when she fails to meet all your
expectations. Details here:
http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2010/0406102whitecastle1.html
When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no
passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the
time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring.
She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life
became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with
her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on
anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as
often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but
directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet
planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious
that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits
Last night I was talking to a young, good looking woman.
She asked me if I liked breasts or legs.
I told her what I really liked was a shaved snatch.
Apparently, I'm not welcome back at KFC anymore.
A man went into the Job Centre in Downtown Denver, and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.
The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. "
"The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Billings, MT, that's about 550 miles from here. "
"Good grief, is that where the job is? "
"No sir. That's where the end of the line is right now"
So in this story ...
you would be the, um,YOUNG MAN
An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio , Texas leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.
The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but... I've always wanted to."
There are a few lessons for us all here:
Never be arrogant.
Don't waste ammunition.
Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid .
I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it
I said to him .... . . You wear pants don't you?
Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said . That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart
What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him . ..... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him .. . They don't have time.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. .. I don't know; it has never happened.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said. . . A widow.
Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him .. . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, and asked
to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him
that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.
The man insisted that the boy ask the manager about the matter. Walking into
the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some asshole wants to buy half a
head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing
right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other
half." The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself
out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are
you from, son?"
"Canada, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Canada ?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but ****** and hockey players up there."
"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada ."
"No shit??" replied the boy. "Who did she play for?"
Bob The Chicken
Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber..
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob....'
Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'
St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'
Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.... The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'
'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'
'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster.
'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before? '
'Never,' said Bob.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'
Bob did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell.....
BOB, wake up. You shit the bed!'
A hunter and his friend were sitting in a tall tower stand along Highway 101 near Mount Uniacke , Nova Scotia early one cold December morning.
Suddenly, a huge buck walked out over the corn they had spread in the low shrubs The buck was magnificent..... a once in a lifetime animal. His rack was huge. The hunter's hand shook as his mind was already counting the Boone and Crockett points.
Moving quickly, the hunter carefully aimed the Leopold scope on his .300 Win Mag at the unsuspecting buck.
As he was about to squeeze the trigger on this deer of a lifetime, his friend alerted him to a funeral procession passing slowly down Highway 7.
The hunter pulled away from the gunstock, set the rifle down, took off his hat, bowed his head and then closed his eyes in prayer. His friend was stunned.
"Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen you do. You actually let that trophy deer go to pay respects to a passing funeral procession. You are indeed the kindest man I have ever known, and I feel lucky to call you a friend."
The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for 37 years
Did you hear about the Polock with pain burning hemorrhoids?
He went to seek help at an Asphalt Company
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen ****** than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too! I didn't know we had a choice."
Member #4376
04-30-10, 09:58
Eileen and her husband Bob went for counseling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow!
Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.
The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week.. Can you do this?'
Bob thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.
The long legged mac daddy.......................
http://la-gun.com/manning/
Bank of America, can I help you?
Customer: Yes, I want to cancel my account. I don't want to do business with you any longer.
The Bank: Why?
Customer: You're giving credit to illegal immigrants and I don't think it's right. I'm taking my business elsewhere.
The Bank: Well, Mr. Customer, we don't want to see you do that, but we can't stop you. I'll help you close the account. What is your account number?
Customer: (gives account number)
The Bank: For security purposes and for your protection, can you please give me the last four digits of your social security number?
Customer: No?
The Bank: Mr. Customer, I need to verify your information, but in order to help you, I'll need verification of who you are..
Customer: Why should I give you my social security number? The reason I'm closing my account is that your bank is issuing credit cards to illegal immigrants who don't have social security numbers. You are targeting that audience and want their business. Let's say I'm an illegal immigrant and you've given me a credit card. I have a question about it and call for assistance. You wouldn't be asking me for a Social Security number, would you?
The Bank: No sir, I wouldn't.
Customer: Why not?
The Bank: Because you would have pressed '2' to speak in Spanish. We don't ask for that information when calling in on the Spanish line.
PS
I`ve never heard PRESS#3 for ChineseHow would you know?
Do you understand spoken Chinese?
J
Brahmabull
05-04-10, 08:12
A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.
While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck? "
"No! " she shrieked, aghast.
So, he dropped her.
As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw? " he asked.
"Of course not! " she exclaimed before she could stop herself.
He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw! " she screamed in panic.
"Sl ut! " he said, and dropped her.
Brahmabull
05-04-10, 08:19
There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.
First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.
Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.
The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw. "
The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming."
Two guys are drinking in a bar.
One says, "Did you know that Elks have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"
"Aw Shit..," says his friend, "and I just joined the VFW!"
Member #4376
05-04-10, 13:31
Just 2 quick examples. There is plenty of humor out there if you try to look. Why not try to look for stuff people who do not share your views would find funny and not just stuff that you find funny.Well said. I get so tired of people trying to turn these generic forums into their own extremist political pulpits.
If you want to talk politics, there's a politics forum on this site.
A TRIP TO COSTCO
Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog, and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no,
I was sitting in the street licking my balls when a speeding car ran over me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
Brahmabull
05-05-10, 07:42
One day there were four nuns in line for confessional.
The first nun said, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."
He asked how.
She said "I saw a man's private part." He told her to wash her eyes with holy water.
The second nun comes in and says, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."
He asked how.
"I touched a man's private parts." He told her to wash her hands in holy water.
Then he heard the third and fourth nun fighting. He asked why they were fighting.
The fourth nun said, "I'm not going to wash my mouth in the holy water if she is going to sit in it."
Brahmabull
05-05-10, 07:46
One day God came to Adam for a brief discussion. "I've got some good news and some bad news." God said.
Adam looked thoughtfully at his maker and replied, "Please give me the good news first."
Smiling, God explained, "I've created two new organs for you. One is called a brain. This organ will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and carry on productive conversations with Eve. The other organ is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your intelligent life form and begin populating the planet. Eve will be very pleased that you are now equipped with this organ as she will be able to conceive children."
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great and wonderful gifts you have given me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"
God then looked upon Adam, and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."
Brahmabull
05-05-10, 07:54
A four-year-old boy asked his friend what a penis was. His friend's response was that he did not know and he would ask his dad.
That evening the second boy asked his dad. His dad gladly exposed himself to his son and with his penis in hand said, "Son this is a penis. In fact, if you take a good look you will see this is a perfect penis."
The next day the second five year old boy met the first five year old boy and called him behind a hedge.
The boy exposed himself and said, "This is a penis. In fact, if it were three inches shorter it would be a perfect penis!"
Little Johnny comes home one day and says, "Mom! Little Mark next door has a penis like a peanut! "
"What do you mean, Johnny? Is it shaped like a peanut? "
"No," says Johnny. "It's salty. "
One of the Best car commercial ever........
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=niP0_56Hyns
Member #5805
05-05-10, 21:16
You fail at your attempt at humor. Blind people do not use sign language. That would be deaf people. Blind people could NOT read the joke to be offended by it. And everyone knows construction workers can't read.
They are not called jokes because they offend people. People who want to offend people without being looked down upon say offensive things and then CALL them jokes. There is a difference.
KEEPING ON TOPIC:
One day God came to Adam for a brief discussion. "I've got some good news and some bad news. " God said.
Adam looked thoughtfully at his maker and replied, "Please give me the good news first. "
Smiling, God explained, "I've created two new organs for you. One is called a brain. This organ will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and carry on productive conversations with Eve. The other organ is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your intelligent life form and begin populating the planet. Eve will be very pleased that you are now equipped with this organ as she will be able to conceive children. "
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great and wonderful gifts you have given me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings? "
God then looked upon Adam, and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time. "That was the joke!
Bank of America, can I help you?
Customer: Yes, I want to cancel my account. I don't want to do business with you any longer.
The Bank: Why?
Customer: You're giving credit to illegal immigrants and I don't think it's right. I'm taking my business elsewhere.
The Bank: Well, Mr. Customer, we don't want to see you do that, but we can't stop you. I'll help you close the account. What is your account number?
Customer: (gives account number)
The Bank: For security purposes and for your protection, can you please give me the last four digits of your social security number?
Customer: No?
The Bank: Mr. Customer, I need to verify your information, but in order to help you, I'll need verification of who you are..
Customer: Why should I give you my social security number? The reason I'm closing my account is that your bank is issuing credit cards to illegal immigrants who don't have social security numbers. You are targeting that audience and want their business. Let's say I'm an illegal immigrant and you've given me a credit card. I have a question about it and call for assistance. You wouldn't be asking me for a Social Security number, would you?
The Bank: No sir, I wouldn't.
Customer: Why not?
The Bank: Because you would have pressed '2' to speak in Spanish. We don't ask for that information when calling in on the Spanish line.Thank you A John !!! Now I know where to go for a credit card , gotta tell all the guys too !! Keep up with the good work!
Member #5805
05-06-10, 02:48
A man is driving happily along when he is pulled over by the police. The cop approaches him and politely asks, "Have you been drinking, sir?"
"Why?" snorts the man. "Is there a fat chick in my car?"
I for one would think it funny to see some dirty jokes on a political forum. It would should that you guys actually have a sense of humor. Because it is not coming out here. The glorious thing about posting on this site it the fact that Jackson has the authority to stop us if he sees fit, this is a privately held forum. Also, I have been ignored by better people than you.
There internet provides us with many wonderful things, but the downside is that any narcissist with too much time on his hands can muddy a thread. Even a thread as lighthearted and ostensibly inoffensive as this one should B.
Is it a need for control that leads some of you to endlessly argue here? Is it a need to have your voice heard that tempts you to post political propaganda on a non-political forum?
I wonder what would happen if Brahma and I and a few others were to inundate the political forums with "dirty" jokes. We'd probably cause an uproar. People there would be saying "What the h*ll is this. This is a forum for political discussions. Take the jokes where they belong".
Sure, we can just "skip over" what we don't want to read. However, we're just asking for a little courtesy. Please don't crap where we read.
Greetings Everyone,
I recently cleaned up this thread by deleting a number of politically-oriented jokes and comments, as well as a number responses made by other forum members to these deleted posts.
If you want to post jokes, humorous stories and/or photos of a political nature, then please do so in the thread designated for this purpose.
http://www.usasexguide.info/forum/showthread.php?t=6693
This cleanup process is not perfect, and it's possible that I may have inadvertently deleted a few otherwise legitimate posts. If you find that your own report was also deleted, please don't take it personally.
Thanks,
Jackson
Well said. I get so tired of people trying to turn these generic forums into their own extremist political pulpits.
If you want to talk politics, there's a politics forum on this site.
On his death bed, Earl Woods gave Tiger the following advice:
"Focus on golf. Fuck everything else."
Brahmabull
05-06-10, 13:50
A guy stops to visit his friend who is paralyzed from the waist down. His friend says, "My feet are cold. Would you get me my sneakers for me?"
The guy goes upstairs, and there are his friend's two gorgeous daughters.
He says, "Hi, girls. Your dad sent me up here to fuck you."
The first daughter says, "That's not true."
He says, "I'll prove it."
He yells down the stairs, "Both of them?"
His friend yells back, "Of course, both of them."
Son asked his mother the following question:
'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies: 'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'
The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.
'Dad why are wedding dresses white?' The father looks at his son in surprise and says:
''Son, all household appliances come in white.''
The German Sprite commercial that didn't make it to America .........
I wonder why not?
http://foxnews.gr/wp-content/plugins/vipers-video-quicktags/resources/jw-flv-player/player.swf?file=http://live.fox365.com/videos/funny/2009/sprite_adv_fox365.flv
Member #4376
05-08-10, 18:16
One of my best friends is a self-professed redneck. A great guy, and even he thinks these are pretty good. Enjoy.
You might be a redneck if.
- You take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took.
- You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines. "
- You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
- You think TACO BELL is the Mexican Phone Company
- Your house still has the "WIDE LOAD" sign on the back.
- You and your dog use the same tree.
- You think watching professional wrestling is foreplay.
- The people on Jerry Springer's show remind you of your neighbors
- You've ever had to scratch your sisters name out of a message that begins, "For a good time time call. "
- Your family tree does not fork.
- You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
- You had to remove a toothpickfor your wedding pictures.
- You have a rag for a gas cap.
- You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
- You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
- Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
- You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.
- The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.
- Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
Member #5805
05-08-10, 19:42
The German Sprite commercial that didn't make it to America .........
I wonder why not?
http://foxnews.gr/wp-content/plugins/vipers-video-quicktags/resources/jw-flv-player/player.swf?file=http://live.fox365.com/videos/funny/2009/sprite_adv_fox365.flvWow. I thought we lived in the land of the Free, they should have said the land of the puritan.
Brahmabull
05-08-10, 20:35
One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumblebee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina.
The woman started screaming "Oh my God, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!"
The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit."
The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm going to do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina. The husband nodded and gave his approval.
The young lady said "Yes, Yes, whatever, just get on with it."
So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper."
So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.
The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the Hell do you think you're doing?"
The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm going to drown the bastard!"
Member #4376
05-09-10, 14:15
A few more redneck ones:
Your idea of high-quality entertainment is a six-pack and bug-zapper
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
http://www.crabrevenge.com/
Baltimonger
05-10-10, 19:58
http://www.southparkstudios.com/episodes/111250
Member #4376
05-11-10, 21:10
A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.
“Oh dear, what's the bad news?” asks the patient.
The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”
“That's terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”
The doctor replies, “I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.”
Member #4376
05-11-10, 21:13
Donkey In The Well
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.
At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
NOW --------
Enough of that crap . . .
The donkey later came back and bit the shit out of the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.
MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.
Member #4376
05-11-10, 21:15
A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.
"What's the matter?" he was asked.
He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right."
"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"
"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor."
Member #4376
05-11-10, 21:25
A West Virginian walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour.
The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The West Virginian is suitably impressed, and buys it.
The next day he brings it back, complaining that it would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAY!
The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the West Virginian says, "What's that noise?"
Member #4376
05-12-10, 21:15
A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, Silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son,
"Boy, go git yo Momma...."
Seva Lurker
05-13-10, 07:40
I lived in Southwestern Ohio for several years and 'Briar' jokes (folks from KY (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Briar)) were more than common. Heard this one on the radio one morning driving to work.
"Q: Do you know why Kentucky wants to raise the drinking age to 35?
A: They want to keep alcohol out of the schools."
I got a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said:
Remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely
Seva Lurker
05-13-10, 21:27
A priest was an avid golfer, playing 18 holes whenever he could work them in. One day he was playing with one of the sisters in his parish.
The priest was having an extremely bad day on the links. Missing simple putts, driving into the rough, just generally messing up. As the day went on he became more and more frustrated, finally beginning to cuss and swear with each duffed shot.
The sister who was playing with him kept reminding him that he was a man of the cloth and such language was unacceptable and inappropriate and he needed to stop. The priest kept telling the sister she was right and he'd stop, only to start up on the next bad shot.
Finally after 17 holes, the sister is really upset with the priest and he makes one more promise to stop. Saying "May the Lord strike me down if I blaspheme again."
On the 18th hole, the priest has a beautiful drive and winds up on the green with a short putt for a birdie. He steps up to the ball, taps it toward the hole only to watch it come up short of the hole.
The priest throws his putter down and starts cussing like a drunken sailor. The sister tries to remind the priest of his promise made on the previous hole. But she is cut short when a bolt of lightening comes out of the heavens and strikes her dead.
Then from out of the heavens comes a resonant voice saying
"Damn, missed again."
Brahmabull
05-14-10, 07:38
A Policeman pulls a blonde in a sports car over for speeding and is trying to explain to her what and where her driver's license might be. After she eventually gives him her driver's license, he asks for registration.
Getting another blank blonde look from her, he explains, "It's that little piece of paper you get with your car and you keep it in the glove compartment."
"Ah," she says as she bends over to get it. While she is looking through the glove compartment, the officer unzips his pants and pulls his cock out.
Excited that she had found her registration, she turns around and looks up. A look of dismay crosses her face and she says, "Oh, no! Not another breathalizer test!"
showem to me..............
http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=showem.wmv
Brahmabull
05-15-10, 13:25
Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.
Brahmabull
05-15-10, 13:44
This guy walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a white wine.
Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?"
The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."
The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in Iowa?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a taxidermist?"
The guy says, "I mount animals."
The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"
A 13 year-old boy comes home from school and his mom asks how his day was.
He replies, "I had sex with my teacher today."
"Oh my god! You get to your room! Wait till your father comes home!", says the mom.
Awhile later the father comes home and the mom says, "Go up to your son's room and talk to him. He's been really bad today."
Dad goes up to the son's room and asks why mom is so mad.
"I told her I had sex with my teacher today," replied the boy.
"Alright! That's my boy!", says Dad. "Ya know son, women just don't think like men. But I'm proud of you. What are you now, about thirteen, right? Wow. That's my son! Ya know what? I'm so proud of you I'm gonna take you out and buy you that new shiny bike you've been wanting!"
So the dad and his son go out and buy the nicest, reddest, shiniest bike in the whole town.
"You gonna ride it home son?" asks Dad.
The boy replied, "Nah, my ass is still sore."
A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.
"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."
Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman.
As they passed by the next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed
while a nurse performed oral sex on him
Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"
Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health plan."
Seva Lurker
05-21-10, 08:00
...
Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health plan."
A John, what are the plans coverage for memory improvement (http://www.usasexguide.info/forum/showthread.php?p=927168&highlight=health#post927168)? :rolleyes:
It is a ***** getting old....
A John, what are the plans coverage for memory improvement[/url]? :rolleyes:
Clean your balls!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bevJr3Ra84Q
Seva Lurker
05-24-10, 07:41
It is a ***** getting old....
Aren't we all. I used to know some good jokes, but they've been lost to the ravages of time. :(
Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit!
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit.
Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, (or duck when the shit hits the fan) .
You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.
And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!
You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't give a shit!
Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without any shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head..........
Well, Shit Happens!!!
Lurker 2009
05-26-10, 22:41
A little old Jewish man is walking down the street one afternoon, when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.
He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?"
"Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.
"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"
So the little old Jewish man runs around the next block and faces her again, "Would you let me bite your breasts - just once - for $10,000 dollars?!"
She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000 dollars...; Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them.
The woman finally get's annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?'
Nah," says the little old Jewish man . . . "Costs too much!"
I went to the doctor's the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female, drop-dead gorgeous !
I was embarrassed but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional - I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll help you in any way I can."
I said, "I'm told my penis tastes funny..."
>1
>. What do you call a pantry full of lesbians?......
>
>A licker cabinet.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
2.
>What do you call an Eskimo lesbian? .....
>
>A Klondyke.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
3.
>What do you call 100 lesbians with guns? ......
>
>Militia Etheridge.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
4.
>Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time?.....
>
>Because they can't eat Jenny Craig
>with Mary Kay on their face.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
5.
>What do you call two lesbians in a canoe? ......
>
>Fur Traders.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
6.
>What is a lesbian dinosaur called? .....
>
>A Lickalotapuss.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
7.
>What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?.....
>
>Well Hung.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
8.
>Did you hear that Ellen DeGeneres drowned? .....
>
>She was found face down in Ricki
>Lake ...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
9.
>How can you tell a tough lesbian bar? .....
>
>Even the pool table doesn't have
>balls.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
10
>. What do you call lesbian twins? .....
>
>Lick-a-likes.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
11.
>What's the definition of confusion? ....
>
>Twenty blind lesbians in a fish
>market.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
12.
>What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?
>
>One's a snack cracker, the other's
>a crack snacker
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
13.
>What do you have when you've got 50 lesbians and 50 state workers?
>
>100 people that don't do dick!
Baltimonger
05-31-10, 13:45
Here's one more:
What do you call a midget lesbian?
A Carpet Munchkin.
lol,lol....
Here's one more:
What do you call a midget lesbian?
A Carpet Munchkin.
You want happy ending?
http://www.heaven666.org/happy-ending-41047.php
LordBlackAdder
05-31-10, 22:19
From the news:
Catholic church to combat sexual predator choirboys with burqas
The Vatican has announced today that to tackle the problem of Catholic priests being given the come-on by pre-pubescent choirboys in revealing robes, choristers will now be required to wear the more sober burqa traditionally worn by Muslim women.
I think we all accept that in hindsight, the customary cassock and surplice probably hasnt done priests any favours, said Vatican spokesman Federico Lombardi today. Those flowing robes, allowing mischievous boys to flash their innocent, winsome smiles on vulnerable priests, have much to answer for in the systematic corruption of the priesthood. These honest, red-blooded celibates often have to carry out their holy work in extremely testing circumstances even Jesus might not have fared so well in the desert had the devil had access to a trainee monks habit.
A Vatican study shows that over time the average drop of the choristers robe has reduced, with many now clearing the floor by as much as two or three inches, enough to provide the attentive onlooker with the occasional eyeful of ankle. The study also found that 91% of priests felt choirboys were asking for it by dressing in such a provocative way, a suspicion confirmed by many also being involved in the under-age drinking of alcohol during Mass.
The introduction of burqas for choirboys is just one of a number of proposals to combat allegations of priest-taunting by organised choral gangs. The Pope has personally approved a policy of moving on victimised priests to other dioceses known for the ugliness of their children, and the Catholic church is introducing a new back-to-the-floor programme in which priests will spend time volunteering with groups involved in tackling similar problems, such as Scout leaders and PE teachers.
However, the launch of the new choirboys uniform has not been without its problems. The first batch of burqas had to be recalled after a choirboy allegedly gained access to design consultant Cardinal Ottaviani and insisted on the garment having a couple of Holy Communion holes to allow for the admission and evacuation of the body of Christ. It is another example of what we are up against, sighed the Cardinal. But rest assured, the chorister in question has been taken in hand as part of our new disciplinary regime. I wouldnt be surprised if he cant even bring himself to sit with the others on those hard wooden pews tonight.
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss
.
The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work...
The Asshole is usually in charge
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.
Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do.
Every time my husband comes home Drunk he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, Just take a glass of sweet tea and start Swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and Swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes Back to the doctor looking fresh and Reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I Swished with sweet tea. I swished And swished, and he didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping Your mouth shut helps?"
A blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink. Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked: "Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside? "
The blonde said it was hers.
"Your dog seems to be in heat, " the officer said.
The blonde replied: "No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that tree. "
The policeman said: "No, you don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred. "
"No way," said the blonde: "My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this morning. "
The exasperated policeman said: "You still don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!"
The blonde looked at the cop and said: "Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog."
The definition of irony..............
This is a little extreme. Not for the faint of heart!
http://www.tubegalore.com/movies/134/1349466/fisting-anal-best-fisting-scene-ever-a-must-see-/
My neighbors, the two cute, lesbians next door, asked me what I would like for my birthday.
I was quite surprised, when they gave me a Timex! It was very nice of them, but I'm sure they misunderstood me, when I said:
"I wanna watch!!!"
A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college. Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.
"Dad, " he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"
"That's amazing, " his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."
So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this. They've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read! " says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"
"Just send $2, 500, I'll get him in the class. " The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad, " the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"
The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a ***** before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
The kid went on to law school, and now works in Washington D. C.
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot? '
The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot. '
'Holy crap, ' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me! '
'I got every word, ' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird. '
'Oh yeah? ' the guy asks, 'Then answer this. How do you hang onto your perch without any feet? '
'Well, ' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers. '
'Wow, ' says the guy. 'You really can understand and speak English, can't you? '
'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion. '
The guy looks at the $200. 00 price tag. 'Sorry, but I just can't afford that. '
'Pssssssst, ' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20. Just make the guy an offer! '
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational.
He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot says, 'Psssssssssssst, ' and motions him over with one wing. 'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the UPS man. '
'What are you talking about? ' asks the guy.
'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie. '
'WHAT? ' the guy asks incredulously. 'THEN what happened? '
'Well, then the UPS man came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over, ' reported the parrot.
'NO! ' he exclaims. 'And she let him? '
'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over. '
Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED? '
'Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch! '
LutzMonger
06-15-10, 17:34
A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks,
'How many people here believe in ghosts?'
About 90 students raise their hands.
Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'
About 40 students raise their hands.
That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'
About 15 students raise their hand.
Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'
Three students raise their hands.
That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'
Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'
The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'
Ahmed replied, "Oh shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats."
Head First
06-17-10, 12:23
Joan and her husband Ron went for counseling after 10 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, Joan went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 10 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Joan to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Ron watched with a raised eyebrow!
Joan shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.
The therapist turned to Ron and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week ... Can you do this?"
Ron thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I Play Golf."
Brahmabull
06-17-10, 21:19
Joan and her husband Ron went for counseling after 10 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, Joan went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 10 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Joan to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Ron watched with a raised eyebrow!
Joan shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.
The therapist turned to Ron and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week ... Can you do this?"
Ron thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I Play Golf."
I see you have not read much of this thread..
http://www.usasexguide.info/forum/showpost.php?p=983666&postcount=1927
This joke has been posted before on page 5 of this thread, or just follow the direct link I gave above. Lucky Gene was the contributor back in April.
The Aisle Seat
Two radical Arab terrorists boarded a flight out of London .
One took a window seat and the other sat next to him
in the middle seat.
Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat.
After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a Coke.'
'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat,
I'll get it for you.'
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it.
When the Marine returned with the Coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good, I'd really like one, too.'
Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.
While he was gone, the other Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe and spat in it.
When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors.
'Why does it have to be this way?
How long must this go on?
This fighting between our nations?
This hatred?
This animosity?
This spitting in shoes and pissing in Cokes?'
THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fpgL5kuBpMA&feature=player_embedded
Brahmabull
06-26-10, 11:04
A doctor got a phone call from one of his colleagues. "We need a fourth for poker," the voice on the phone said. "I'll be right over," replied the doctor. As he was putting on his overcoat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?" "Oh yes, quite serious," he said gravely. "They've had to call in three other doctors as well."
A B.C. Indian picks up a hooker off the streets of Vancouver. 'How much you charge for hour, sister?' he asks. '$100,' she replies. He says 'You do Indian style?'
'No' she says.
' I pay you $200 do it Indian style'
'No', she says, not knowing what Indian style is.
'I pay you $300'
'No', she says.
'I pay you $400'
'No', she says.
So finally he says, 'OK, I pay you $1,000 to do it Indian style.' She thinks, 'Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdos from every part of the world. How bad could Indian Style be?'
So she agrees and has sex with him.They do it in every kind of way and in every possible position.
Finally, after several hours, they finish.
Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, 'Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So what exactly is 'Indian style'?'
The Indian replies 'You send bill to Government!'
The Latin maid asked for a pay increase. The wife asked," Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: Well there are tree reasons I wan an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.
Wife: Who said you iron better than me?
Maria: Jor husband say so.
Wife: Oh
Maria: The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.
Wife: Nonsense, who said you are a better cook than me?
Maria: Jor husband did.
Wife: Oh
Maria: The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in bed.
Wife: (really furious now) Did my husband say that as well?
Maria: No the gardener did.
Wife: So, how much do you want?
Brahmabull
06-30-10, 11:56
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to the President. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill, as this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00, and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord. It said:
Dear Lord,
Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks deducted $95.
Click on the link below!
If anyone figures out how she does it.let me know!
http://www.regiftable.com/RegiftingRobinPopUp.html
Cocknballs
07-11-10, 23:54
Click on the link below!
If anyone figures out how she does it.let me know!
http://www.regiftable.com/RegiftingRobinPopUp.html
Is she supposed to guess the 1st number or the 2nd (after the math)? In either case, I tried it 5 times, and she got it wrong all 5 times. She should let you tell her if she got it right or wrong. Typical Woman! always assuming they're right!
Member #4376
07-12-10, 08:59
Click on the link below!
If anyone figures out how she does it. Let me know!
http://www.Regiftable.com/RegiftingRobinPopUp.htmlEach time the grid comes up, the items are re-ordered. But it's always the same item in the only possible selections.
For example, if you choose 44, the regift is in box 36. If you choose 45, the regift is in box 36 as well. In fact, all numbers in the 40's result in box 36.
All numbers in the 30's result in box in box 27. All numbers in the 20's result in box 18. So, the only possible regift boxes are:
9, 18, 27, 36, 45, 54, 63, 72, 81
And, the same regift is in each of those nine boxes. It's a different regift each time you play the game, making you think that she's just guessing right each time.
Brahmabull
07-12-10, 15:37
Is she supposed to guess the 1st number or the 2nd (after the math)? In either case, I tried it 5 times, and she got it wrong all 5 times. She should let you tell her if she got it right or wrong. Typical Woman! always assuming they're right!
I call BS.
If she got it wrong then you failed to follow instructions. See Lucky Gene's explaination below.
SHE IS NOT GUESSING A NUMBER, she is guessing the gift specified in the box that answers the equation that YOU generate from your number.
Since all of the numbers in a particular series end up with 1 answer
10 (10-1-0=9)
11 (11-1-1=9)
12 (12-1-2=9)
13 (13-1-3=9)
14 (14-1-4=9)
....19 (19-1-9=9)
It is impossible for her to get it WRONG, since as Lucky Gene explained
9, 18, 27, 36, 45, 54, 63, 72, 81 always have the same gift.
She didnt tell you to pick a random box on that page she said for you to pick a box that had the answer to the equation.
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