Jokes & Humorous Stories [Archive] - Page 7

A John

05-04-09, 17:30

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their Parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their
stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and
pennies saved.

But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Ernie was
left.

'Ernie, do you have a story to share?'
'Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot
in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy
territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a
survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and
then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed
four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the
last Iraqi with her bare hands.'

'Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your daddy tell you
was the moral to this horrible story?

'Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking.'

WebDog

05-04-09, 21:47

one from the farm team

Magic501

05-05-09, 15:23

one from the farm team

...she sells snow shovels at Home Depot!

A John

05-05-09, 16:43

A doctor on his morning walk, noticed an older lady sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to
Her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"
"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of
Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and don't exercise at all."
"That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?"
"Thirty-four," she replied.

A John

05-07-09, 19:24

Will you get the correct answer? Before you get to the bottom.....

http://www.hogrockcafe.com/women_so_special.htm

A John

05-08-09, 17:55

Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her,
'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling.'

Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,
'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds.
And Jimmy 's mom wants to talk to you.'

A John

05-08-09, 21:47

A man was tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard.
Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.
The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the ‘What Would Jesus Do’ bumper sticker, the ‘Choose Life’ license plate holder, the ‘Follow Me to Sunday-School’ bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.
"Naturally I assumed you had stolen the car."

A John

05-09-09, 09:03

Remember to turn off that screen saver.

http://cdn-static.viddler.com/flash/simple_publisher.swf?key=47b7d676

A John

05-09-09, 09:05

Glade plug ups........

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MswMnTcYF58

A John

05-09-09, 12:50

A priest from Ireland was assigned to a Texas diocese.
One morning, Father O'Malley rose from his bed.
It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish.
He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.
He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.
He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this:
"Good morning, this is Sergeant Jones, how might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple O yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."

Hell On Wls

05-09-09, 12:55

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO p aperwork, and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial; he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, Saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade.

"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.

You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. "

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career"

Hell On Wls

05-09-09, 13:00

Pfizer Announcement

Pfizer Corp. Announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

A John

05-10-09, 15:41

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day,
only to be
confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum
cleaner.

'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could
take a couple minutes
of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest
in high-powered
vacuum cleaners.

'Go away!' said the old lady. ''I'm
broke and haven't got any money!''
and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door
and pushed
it wide open.

''Don't be too hasty!'' he said.
''Not until you have at least seen my
demonstration.'' And with that, he emptied a bucket
of horse manure onto
her hallway carpet.

''Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all
traces of this horse
manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the
remainder.''

The old lady stepped back and said, ''Well let me
get you a fork, 'cause
they cut off my electricity this morning."

A John

05-10-09, 18:21

Mothers Day Song (oh you GOTTA hear THIS one!)
Dave just has a way of singing a Mothers Day song

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kWyXhD6LJ7E

A John

05-10-09, 18:23

"Dear God, this year please send clothes for all those
poor ladies in Daddy's computer...... Amen" !!!

Northsideman

05-10-09, 20:22

Reminds me of a 1960's song on Something Weird Video's first nudist compilation video collection ("Nudists & Nudism, Vol. 1" or something like that?). A little boy sings about how he'll redeem pop bottles for money if his mother would stop being a "topless go go dancer"!

Gdlint

05-11-09, 10:01

Nascar NEWS. Jeff Gordon fires his entire pit crew This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of the government's scheme to employ Harlem youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of dollars worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team. As most races are won or lost in the pits. However-Gordon got more than he bargained for!

At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN number, and sold the car to Dale Jr. For 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower.

Gdlint

05-11-09, 11:27

Recessions hit us all differently. Al Capone once complained that hard times forced him to lay off 4 judges and 2 Congressmen.

A John

05-12-09, 20:31

"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.

With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after he met a Redneck who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.

The Redneck simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the Redneck asked for the man's opinion.

"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed.."

The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.

"Well,"the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."

The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."

So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the Redneck... "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell... pregnant when you met her."

A John

05-13-09, 19:50

A first grade teacher in inner city Detroit asked her children what kind
of sound a pig makes.

Tyrone stood up and said, "Up against the wall, motherfucker!"

A John

05-13-09, 19:52

CURE FOR CONSTIPATION

If you are bothered by occasional or frequent constipation, look in the
mirror and repeat the following phrase three times in succession when
symptoms occur:

"My financial and personal well being are totally in the hands of Barack
Obama, Joe Biden, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, Tim Geithner, Hillary
Clinton, Rahm Emmanual, Barney Frank, andChris Dodd.

If that doesn't scare the shit out of you, then you are probably destined
to be backed up for the rest of your life.

A John

05-13-09, 19:57

Weenie Test
Three third graders from Tennessee, an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a African American kid are on the playground at recess. The Irish kid suggests that they play a new game. 'Let's see who has the largest weenie.' He says, 'Okay.' They all agree.

The Irish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. 'That's nothing,' says the Italian kid.

He whips his out and proudly shows that his is at least an inch longer

Not to be out done, the African American kid whips his out. It is by far not only the biggest, but the fattest.

That night, eating dinner at home, the African American kid's mother asks him what he did at school today.

'Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book and then during recess, my friends and I played a new game called 'Let's see who has the largest weenie.'

'What kind of game is that, honey?' asks the mother.

'Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies and I had the biggest! The other kids say it's because I'm African American. Is that true?
'No, Leroy. It's because you're eighteen and still in the third grade.'

SgtPerv

05-14-09, 06:43

Divorce

A woman says to her mother, 'I'm divorcing Sheldon. All he wants is anal sex, and my ass hole is now the size of a quarter, when it used to be about the size of a dime.'

Her mother says, 'You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $1,000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away over 15 cents!'

Gdlint

05-14-09, 19:32

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the Pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide. "

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need Cyanide? "

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband. "

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide! "

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different.

You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

A John

05-14-09, 21:08

1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Hey Bubba,

Big'un, Duke, Slim & I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour.
Don't mess with the pit bulls - they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.

Better wait outside.

Cooter

Gdlint

05-15-09, 20:36

Here is a riddle for the true intellectual. Try to come up with the answer on your own. The answer is at the end for those who are unable to think this one through. Here's the riddle:

At the exact same time, there are two 35-year-old men on opposite sides of the earth. One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers at the 85th floor. The other is getting a blow job from an 85-year-old toothless woman. They are both thinking the exact same thing. What are they both thinking?

Scroll down

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

Don 't look down.
Don 't look down.
Don 't look down.

A John

05-16-09, 13:18

Summer temps are just around the corner, now is a good time to check out your car's air conditioner!

How to check your car's Air Conditioner.
1. Roll up the windows
2. Turn the AC on Hi
3. Put the tester in the car.

Yup it's working!

Sorry AC tester were sold out within hours of hitting the shelfs...

Now on back order, way,way back order......

VanDriver

05-16-09, 17:54

Thanks John,

And, if you need a place to hang your jacket while testing, you have the ability to do so with those nips!

Van

Summer temps are just around the corner, now is a good time to check out your car's air conditioner!

How to check your car's Air Conditioner.
1. Roll up the windows
2. Turn the AC on Hi
3. Put the tester in the car.

Yup it's working!

Sorry AC tester were sold out within hours of hitting the shelfs...

Now on back order, way,way back order......

SgtPerv

05-16-09, 22:30

Frustrated Woman

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally...I assumed you had stolen the car.''

A John

05-17-09, 06:22

Mexican fireworks!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9j8EEc8yETM

LordBlackAdder

05-17-09, 11:42

As you may or may not know, Earth day was last month. The very first Earth Day was in 1970, this is what some "knowledgeable people" were saying would happen if we did not take action, but since none of these things have happned I for one am glad someone did something!

*
Denis Hayes, the chief organizer for the first Earth Day, wrote, "It is already too late to avoid mass starvation."

*
Senator Gaylord Nelson, the founder of Earth Day, stated, "Dr. S. Dillon Ripley, secretary of the Smithsonian Institute, believes that in 25 years, somewhere between 75 and 80 percent of all the species of living animals will be extinct."

*
Peter Gunter, a professor at North Texas State University, stated, "... by 1975 widespread famines will begin in India; these will spread by 1990 to include all of India, Pakistan, China and the Near East, Africa. By the year 2000, or conceivably sooner, South and Central America will exist under famine conditions.... By the year 2000, thirty years from now, the entire world, with the exception of Western Europe, North America, and Australia, will be in famine."

*
Paul Ehrlich, author of The Population Bomb, predicted that between 1980 and 1989, 4 billion people, including 65 million Americans, would starve to death.

*
Life Magazine wrote, "... by 1985 air pollution will have reduced the amount of sunlight reaching earth by one half."

*
Ecologist Kenneth Watt stated, "The world has been chilling sharply for about twenty years. If present trends continue, the world will be about four degrees colder for the global mean temperature in 1990, but eleven degrees colder in the year 2000. This is about twice what it would take to put us into an ice age." Luckily we devised Global warming to prevent this disaster from happening.

*
Watt also stated, "By the year 2000, if present trends continue, we will be using up crude oil at such a rate…that there won’t be any more crude oil."

*
By the year 2000, we will be unable to avoid mass starvation and the average age of death will be 41.

All this can be summed up:
"One of the peculiar sins of the twentieth century which we've developed to a very high level is the sin of credulity. It has been said that when human beings stop believing in God they believe in nothing. The truth is much worse: they believe in anything." – Malcolm Muggeridge.

LordBlackAdder

05-17-09, 11:49

This picture is real and was taken by a Transportation Supervisor for a company that delivers building materials for 84 Lumber. When he saw it in the parking lot of IHOP, he went to buy a camera to take pictures.

The car is still running, as can be witnessed by the exhaust.

The driver finally came back after the police were called, and was found crouched behind the rear of the car, attempting to cut the twine around the load! *Luckily, the police stopped him and had the load removed.

The materials were loaded at Home Depot. *Their store manager said they made the customer sign a waiver.

While the plywood and 2X4s are fairly obvious, what you can't see is the back seat, which contains -- *are you ready for this? --*10 bags of concrete @ 80 lbs. each!

They estimated the load weight at 3000 lbs. *Both back tires exploded, the wheels bent and the rear shocks were driven through the floorboard.

LordBlackAdder

05-17-09, 11:50

The economic stimulus simplfied.

A John

05-17-09, 18:18

A Massachusetts State Police Officer sees a car puttering along the highway at 38 MPH so he turns on his lights and pulls them over.

Five old ladies ~ two in the front seat and three in the back ~ eyes wide and white as ghosts sat silently staring straight ahead.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit: 38 MPH!

What seems to be the problem?'

The Statie , trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that "38" is the route number, not the speed limit. The 80-year-old woman sheepishly grinned and thanked him for pointing out her error.

“Before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask: Is everyone in this car ok? The other ladies seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time."

"Oh, they'll be okay in a minute,” says the driver. “We just got off of Route 128."

Beereal

05-18-09, 07:55

The economic stimulus simplfied.

Ahhhhh Retards. Gotta love em!

Wolfgang

05-18-09, 11:35

The economic stimulus simplfied.

More economists from the chicago school. If Milton Friedman isn't roasting in hell then he is surely spinning in his grave. The folks in these pictures don't look like high luminescent bulbs, do they?

A John

05-19-09, 21:21

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?"
She asked.

"Hunting Flies"
He responded.

"Oh... ! Killing any?"
She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"

He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone

Het0015

05-20-09, 06:33

A John

05-20-09, 07:41

A 6 year old and a 4 year old were up in their bedroom one morning. "You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it is about time we started cussing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "when we go downstairs for breakfast, I am going to say something with hell and you say something with ass." The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mom walks into the kitchen she ask the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "aw hell mom, I guess I will just have some Cheerio's"

WHACK! he flies out his chair and tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying with his mom in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his bedroom and says, "you can just stay in there till I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks a the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "and what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" I don't know, he blubbers, but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!".......

A John

05-21-09, 15:49

It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least three thousand years old!

The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.

The President of the society pointed to first drawing and said: "This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey,
so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.
The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them."

Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine hit the earth and food didn't grow, they seek food from the sea. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.

The audience applauded enthusiastically.

Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said,
"Idiots, Hebrew is read from right to left......
It says: 'Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Chick

A John

05-21-09, 15:53

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip
that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants.

The iTit will cost between $499.00 and $699.00 -- depending on speaker size.

This is considered a major breakthrough because women have always complained

about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them

Gdlint

05-22-09, 19:30

Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole, I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is? '

The second hunter says, "I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom. '

The first hunter says, "There's an old car transmission. Here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see. '

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole. They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.

As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole, and with no hesitation, and jump in head first.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. "Say there, " says the farmer, "You fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you? "

The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped head first into this hole here! "

And the old farmer said; "Why that's impossible! I had him chained to a transmission!"

Gdlint

05-23-09, 14:31

http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1775379

We all have had these conversations.

Gdlint

05-24-09, 21:45

A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Mum'. With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

'Dear, Mum.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing this to you and Dad.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Mum. She's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Mum, even though you think that I'm immature at 15, I know how to take care of myself.

Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Nicholas.

"P.S. Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on my desk"

I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

A John

05-25-09, 04:30

Subject: The Last Nickel

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives
the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly,
the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the
boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The
boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son,
the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a
blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and
sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up,
puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on
the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across
the restaurant. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his
pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and
twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up
the last nickel,which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father
and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects,
the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying,
"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was
fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No,'"the woman replied. "I'm with the I.R.S..."

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Subject: I Pazzi a Roma

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip
to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser,
who responded:
" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirt y..
You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline.
Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're
always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River
called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be
something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people
trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant."

"Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser
asked her about her trip to Rome .

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one
of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they
bumped us up to first class.
The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old
steward who waited on me hand and foot.

.....And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million
remodeling
job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were
overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no
extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know
you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a
Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope
likes to meet some of the visitors,
and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the
Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and
shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"

He said: "Who fucked up your hair?"

A John

05-25-09, 12:05

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

'If you want your breasts to grow, then every day takes a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.' Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will this take?' I asked.

'They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.

I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'

Without missing a beat he says 'Worked for your ass, didn't it?'

A John

05-26-09, 06:23

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
10 years and 45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blond baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong"

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with.... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ..." -
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit...."

Gdlint

05-26-09, 08:19

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,

Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,

'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.'

He addressed the man,

'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's
Pillsbury, isn't it?

KC Questor

05-26-09, 12:31

Hooker named Indoor Athlete of the Year
http://news.smh.com.au/breaking-news-sport/hooker-named-indoor-athlete-of-the-year-20090429-an7h.html

It's not as interesting as it sounds...

A John

05-27-09, 20:35

After going through a virus attack,
losing a hard drive,
fighting off hackers,
upgrading all my software,
installing fire-walls,
Being threatened with being cut-off by my email provider,
and a host of other problems...

I have fixed my computer...

and NOW it works exactly the way I want it to!

Gdlint

05-29-09, 10:23

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Circumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

Northsideman

05-29-09, 14:29

Why did the blonde realtor get breast implants?
Flotation, Flotation, Flotation!

Gdlint

05-30-09, 13:58

A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed. He thought his picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

He thought this was quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he drove past the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again. He tried a fourth time with the same result. The fifth time he was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

A John

05-30-09, 14:06

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone fa iled to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2.. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit , thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

Thought you'd like to know

LordBlackAdder

06-01-09, 22:35

Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream has introduced a new flavor

In honor of the 44th President of the United States , Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream has introduced a new flavor;" Barocky Road ". Barocky Road is a blend of half Vanilla, half Chocolate, and surrounded by Nuts and Flakes. The Vanilla portion of the mix is not openly advertised and usually denied as an ingredient. The Nuts and Flakes are all very bitter and hard to swallow. The cost is $100.00 per scoop.

When purchased, it will be presented to you in a large beautiful cone, but then the Ice Cream is taken away and given to the person, who can't afford it, in line behind you.

Thus you are left with an empty Wallet, no change, holding an empty cone, with no hope of getting any Ice Cream. The socialistic dream come true

Pumphusk

06-02-09, 03:04

... were changed after the Inglewood busts.

Hell On Wls

06-03-09, 01:08

... were changed after the Inglewood busts.OMG, that is great!

Gdlint

06-04-09, 23:06

Mary asks her husband, John, if he'd like some breakfast: "Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast? Grapefruit and coffee to follow?"

He declines: "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, Mary asks if he would like something: "A bowl of homemade soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines: "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite."

Come dinnertime, she again asks John if he wants anything to eat. She'll go to the store and buy him some food. Would he like maybe a steak and apple pie? Maybe he'd like a pizza microwaved or a tasty stir-fry that would only take a couple of minutes?

John declines: "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

Exasperated, Mary gives him an elbow and says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving!"

SgtPerv

06-05-09, 15:24

One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat. "Where to?" he stammered. "Union Station," answered the woman. "You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror. The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?" The driver replies, "Well ma'am, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare." The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does this answer your question?" Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"

Gdlint

06-05-09, 15:43

The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years He had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital.

He motioned for his nurse to come near."Yes, Father? " said the nurse. "I would really like to see Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi before I die", whispered the priest.

"I'll see what I can do, Father" replied the nurse. The nurse sent the request to them and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived. Harry and Nancy would be delighted to visit the priest. As they went to the hospital, Harry commented to Nancy "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images." Nancy couldn't help but agree. When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Nancy 's hand in his right hand and Harry's hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face. Finally Nancy spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end? "

The old priest slowly replied "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ." The old priest continued."He died between two lying thieves. I would like to do the same."

A John

06-05-09, 21:10

We all need public transportation, I’m going to start taking the bus.

http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=PublicTransportation.wmv

A John

06-05-09, 21:16

John started the day early having set his alarm clock

(MADE IN JAPAN ) for 6 am.
While his coffeepot
(MADE IN CHINA )

was perking, he shaved with his

electric razor

(MADE IN HONG KONG )

He put on a

dress shirt

(MADE IN SRI LANKA ),

designer jeans

(MADE IN SINGAPORE )

and

tennis shoes

(MADE IN KOREA)

After cooking his breakfast in his new

electric skillet

(MADE IN INDIA )

he sat down with his

calculator

(MADE IN MEXICO )

to see how much he could spend today. After setting his

watch

(MADE IN TAIWAN )

to the radio

(MADE IN INDIA )

he got in his car

(MADE IN GERMANY )

filled it with GAS

(from Saudi Arabia )

and continued his search

for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.

At the end of yet another discouraging

and fruitless day checking his Computer
(made in MALAYSIA ),

John decided to relax for a while.
He pu on his sandals
(MADE IN BRAZIL ),

poured himself a glass of wine
(MADE IN FRANCE )

and turned on his TV
(MADE IN INDONESIA ),

and then wondered why he can't Find a good paying job
in AMERICA

AND NOW HE'S HOPING HE CAN GET HELP FROM A PRESIDENT
MADE IN KENYA

A John

06-05-09, 21:19

Ok, you are asking -- Who in the hell is 'Larry'? Larry gets home late one night and, Linda, his wife says, 'Where in the hell have you been?'
Larry replies, 'I was out getting a tattoo.'
'A tattoo?' she frowned. 'What kind of tattoo did you get?'
'I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates,' he said proudly.
'What the hell were you thinking? she said, shaking her head in disgust.'Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?'
Well, One, I like to watch my money grow.
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money fe els in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.

Gdlint

06-05-09, 22:28

http://richards-creations.net/Videos/Are-women-born-like-this.html

A John

06-09-09, 19:23

Dam shame............

http://www.cnn.com/2009/US/06/03/topless.shop.fire/index.html?iref=mpstoryview

SgtPerv

06-14-09, 12:33

Free meat

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."

When the boy arrived home he told his mother.

The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"

Gdlint

06-14-09, 15:19

A very gentle Texas lady was driving across a high bridge in Texas one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixin' (means 'getting ready to' in Texas) to jump. She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please don't jump, think of your dear mother and father."

He replied, "Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."

She said, "Well, think of your wife and children."

He replied, "I'm not married and I don't have any kids."

She said, "Well, Remember the Alamo.

He replied, "What's the Alamo?"

She replied, "Well bless your heart, just go ahead and jump, you dumb ass Yankee."

A John

06-14-09, 21:06

A blonde is showing off her new tattoo of a giant seashell on her inner thigh.

Her friends ask her why she would get such a tattoo and in that location.

She responds 'It's really cool. If you put your left ear up against it,

You can smell the ocean.'

A John

06-14-09, 21:13

A police cycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the officer demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything. When he gets done with writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has such a bad driving record he is about to lose his license and has hired a lawyer to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket you issued my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes sir, that is the defendants copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top.

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

Officer: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."

Lawyer: "What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

Officer: "Aggressive and hostile Sir."

Lawyer: "Aggressive and hostile?"

Officer: "Yes Sir?

Lawyer: "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for Asshole?"

Officer: "Well sir, you know your client better than I do!

Nightwatchman1

06-16-09, 19:03

I found this funny

All posted under the same thread

6/1 Written by Belle003
http://usasexguide.info/forum/showpost.php?p=817021&postcount=984

6/7
http://usasexguide.info/forum/showpost.php?p=819706&postcount=988

6/12
http://usasexguide.info/forum/showpost.php?p=821910&postcount=990

6/12
http://usasexguide.info/forum/showpost.php?p=822113&postcount=991

6/15
http://usasexguide.info/forum/showpost.php?p=823156&postcount=996

SgtPerv

06-17-09, 13:51

(NOW AT San Diego MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING)

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 am But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on 'route marches, ' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route March' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Alice

A John

06-18-09, 14:32

Why Marry a Gymnast?

http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=other&file=WhyHeMarriedAGymnast.mpa

A John

06-21-09, 11:23

After my wife and I met, she mentioned how she really
wished that she could afford a riding lawnmower. She was a
single gal that worked all day and was often tired in the
evening when she got home from work.

So, being the handy sort of guy that I was,

I made her a riding lawnmower.
I guess I thought she would squeal with delight

and give me a big hug.

To this day I have never been able to understand
why women are so hard to please.

Clinton Bush

06-21-09, 16:37

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2009/0618191air1.html

Clinton Bush

06-22-09, 00:11

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qqXi8WmQ_WM&feature=channel

Baltimonger

06-22-09, 01:46

A John

06-22-09, 19:07

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach under a palm tree.

He had no arms and no legs.

Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The brunnette said, 'Have you ever had a hug?'

The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The redhead said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'

The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The blond came to him and said, 'Have you ever been f **ked?'

The fellow said, 'No.'
She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'

Markvi

06-22-09, 20:23

I'd hate to get technical, but San Diego is for male recruits only. Women all go through Parris Island.
Also men and women are kept completely separate in Marine boot camp. No way she could sit "by the two city boys" at chow.

SgtPerv

06-22-09, 20:43

I'd hate to get technical, but San Diego is for male recruits only. Women all go through Parris Island.With Marines, how would you tell the difference :D

Gdlint

06-23-09, 10:13

With Marines, how would you tell the difference :DAt least BAM (BigAssMarines) Marines don't ware those cute little "tams" as a cover(hat). When are you guys going to put the little furry ball on the top or is that reserved for NCO's?

Semper Fi. Sarge

Mechanic69

06-24-09, 00:26

SgtPerv

06-24-09, 00:43

At least BAM (BigAssMarines) Marines don't ware those cute little "tams" as a cover(hat). When are you guys going to put the little furry ball on the top or is that reserved for NCO's?

Semper Fi. SargeMarines do not wear the beret because of the logistics.

First of all Marines need an additional two weeks to train.

They call it" boot camp".

One additional week to train them to put their boots on and on the correct foot.
One additional week to teach them how to tie the boot laces.

So if they had a beret, it would take an additional week for them to learn how to wear it with out a bill to assist them.

As far as the fury balls, Army personnel keep them in their pants unlike marines where you find them on their chins. :D

WHOOA!!!

Chrisj321

06-24-09, 02:53

Marines do not wear the beret because of the logistics.

First of all Marines need an additional two weeks to train.

They call it" boot camp".

One additional week to train them to put their boots on and on the correct foot.
One additional week to teach them how to tie the boot laces.

So if they had a beret, it would take an additional week for them to learn how to wear it with out a bill to assist them.

As far as the fury balls, Army personnel keep them in their pants unlike marines where you find them on their chins. :D

WHOOA!!!

Good points Sgt!! Its funny though cuz I always heard they had to wear the lids with 8 points to remind them that they were "8" up!

Gdlint

06-24-09, 08:37

BAM is what we old Nam vets used to call female marines. It stands for BROAD ASS MARINE.You are right, M69. (been a long time) either name would get you're ass in a crack at the time! No "PogeyBait" for me for a week!

A John

06-24-09, 18:51

flappin...............................

http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=508702.mpeg

Ssssbadboyssss

06-24-09, 23:08

You are right, M69. (been a long time) either name would get you're ass in a crack at the time! No "PogeyBait" for me for a week!

Now the PC term is WM or Woman Marine, but we would call them Walking Mattresses, or WookieMonsters lol.

Gdlint

06-25-09, 11:33

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, 'How much money do you make a week? '

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, 'I make $400 a week. Why? '

The CEO then handed the guy $1, 600 in cash and screamed, 'Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back.'

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, 'Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here? '

From across the room came a voice, 'Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.'

Gdlint

06-26-09, 09:08

Dave and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Dave headed home frustrated.

The following week when Dave's buddies arrived at the lake they were shocked to see Dave. He was already sitting on the dock, fishing rod in hand, and drinking a beer. His buddies asked, "How did you talk your missus into letting you go Dave? "

Dave replied.

Last night I came home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows thinking how much I wanted to go fishing. Then the ol'lady snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, "Surprise".

When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, "Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want".

SO I DID AND HERE I AM!

A John

06-29-09, 19:57

A first grade teacher in Detroit asked her students if they could tell the class what sound a pig makes.

Little Tyrone stood up and said:
"Up against the wall mother fucker!"

Not too many farms in Detroit.

A John

06-29-09, 20:08

I love Latin music .............

http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=ILoveLatinMusic.wmv

A John

06-29-09, 21:14

A young guy from Mississippi moves to New York and goes to a big 'everything under one roof'department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The kid says 'Yeah. I was a salesman back in Mississippi .'
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job.

'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

'How many customers bought something from you today?'

The kid says 'One.'

The boss says 'Just one?' 'Our sales people averag e 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?'

The kid says '$121,237.65.'

The boss says '$121,237.65? What the hell did you sell?'

The kid says, 'First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a
medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold
him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4� x 4 Expedition.'
The boss said, 'A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK ?'
The kid said 'No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife,' and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'

Gdlint

07-01-09, 15:26

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles -- something she always loved to do.

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that?"

Because, she replied, "I miss mine."

A John

07-01-09, 16:20

Celeb BJ..............................

http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=Celeb_BJ.wmv

A John

07-01-09, 16:29

Can you believe she sank..................

http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=dunktank.mpeg

Gdlint

07-02-09, 09:33

http://www.culturepub.fr/videos/rubber-cement-colle-les-nonnes.html

A John

07-02-09, 18:05

This is hilarious! Remember, they DO walk among us . . .

http://d.yimg.com/kq/groups/20858394/490713600/name/Leno_Jaywalking.wmv

LordBlackAdder

07-03-09, 10:40

Guantanamo detainess to be sold as ‘perfect pets’ by US Military

Barack Obama has moved a step closer to shutting Guantanamo Bay, as he announced details of his ‘adopt a detainee’ programme.

US and British citizens are being offered a ‘modest allowance’ to keep adopted prisoners at home, as well as further grants to refurbish their houses to meet stringent security requirements.

‘Householders must have cellars and large bathrooms, which can cope with flooding should they be required to elicit a few details from them’* explained Colonel Jim Crow of the US Army at a press conference this morning ‘for which training will be provided. Owning a large dog would also be an advantage, but suitable animals can be supplied.’

‘Apart from that, it’s easy’ he added ‘You need to wake the prisoners up every two hours and feed them once a day. They go on about ’special requirements’ from time to time, but you can ignore all that. They practically look after themselves - why I’ve even got a couple of them myself; my kids love ‘em - they never tire of the ‘grenade behind the ear’ trick .’

Col Crow admitted that take up has so far been slow, though adds that they are following some promising inquiries from Austria.

Gdlint

07-03-09, 12:01

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

So, the customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage? "

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish? "

The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? ' If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish? "

The clerk says, "Well, no, I probably wouldn't! "

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage? "

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot"

Bath1234

07-03-09, 16:22

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'

The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.' He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye.

The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'

The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married; so we can't go to her house. I'm married; and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.

Clinton Bush

07-04-09, 02:41

Q. If they bring shrimp home on shrimp boats, bring fish home on fish boats, and bring clams home on clam boats, what do they bring crabs home on?

A. The Captains Dinghy!

A John

07-04-09, 10:38

Happy 4th of July..........................

http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=Happy4th.wmv

A John

07-06-09, 17:28

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how you determine whether or not a patient should

be institutionalized.

"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask

him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug.

Do you want a bed near the window?"

SgtPerv

07-07-09, 07:02

Special birthday

It was Jim’s birthday, and he was considered to be an “old man” by his friends standards. So, to liven him up a bit, Jim’s friends decided to give him something special for his birthday. They bought him a hooker.

The call girl, as she preferred to be called, went to his house and knocked on the door. When Jim answered, she said “Hi I’m your birthday present!”

Startled, he asked “What am I supposed to do with you?”

“I’m yours for super sex,” she answers.

So Jim replied “Well, I’m 75 years old so I’ll have the soup.”

Seva Lurker

07-07-09, 07:11

Happy 4th of July..........................

http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=Happy4th.wmv

Well I hope none of those lovely sparkler holders suffered the same results this idiot (http://www.usasexguide.info/forum/showpost.php?p=830969&postcount=1433). His ass probably looks better this way, the others only deserve lots of TLC. ;)

A John

07-07-09, 12:50

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute so at least I can tell you what happened..' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but that will be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days..

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight..

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

Gdlint

07-07-09, 13:09

A blonde drops off a shirt at the cleaners.

On the way out the door, the lady at the counter says " Come Again"... The blonde says "no its toothpaste this time you nosy *****".

Theguy

07-07-09, 13:59

This is outstanding!!!!

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute so at least I can tell you what happened..' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but that will be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days..

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight..

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

Amuzeme

07-08-09, 00:54

http://www.mosnews.com/weird/2009/07/07/strongvagina/

A John

07-08-09, 09:14

A Powerful Message from Stevie Wonder On Michael Jackson’s Death…

....... .. … … .. …..
.. . . … . . . . . .. . .. …. .. .. . … ..
... ... .. ... ... ... ... .... ...... ... ... ... .... ..... .. .
.. . . … .. . . . ..
... . .... ... .... .... ...
...... .... .... .... ..... ..... ..... .. . . .... ....
. .. .
. . .. . .. . ...
....... ... ... ... .. ... ....... ... .. .... ... ... .... ....
. .. .. .
.. ....
.. . . . . . .. .. … ..
.. .... .. ... ... ....... ...... .....

Deep stuff, eh?
I nearly cried when he said “. .. . . . .. .. … .. .. . . .... ....”

A John

07-08-09, 10:50

DONALD AND DAISY

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was, 'Do you have a condom?'

Donald frowned and said, 'No..'

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

'Maybe they sell them at the front desk,' she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.

'Yes, we do,' the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked, 'Would you like me to put them on your bill?

'No!' Donald quacked, ‘I'll thuffocate’

A John

07-08-09, 10:51

If you hear a loud rumble in the sky today its not thunder.

Its Elvis whoopin' Michael Jackson's butt for marrying his daughter!

A John

07-09-09, 21:21

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend

the night with her for $500. They did their thing,

and, before he left, he told her that he did

not have any cash with him, but he would have his

secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling

the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had

done, realizing that the whole event had not been

worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check

for $250 and enclose the following typed note:

>>

'Dear Madam:

Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your20

apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon,

because when I rented the place, I was under the

impression that:

#1 - it had never been occupied;

#2 - there was plenty of heat; and

#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.

However, I found out that:

#1 - it had been previously occupied,

#2 - there wasn't any heat, and

#3 - it was entirely too large.'

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately

returned the check for $250 with the following note:

' Dear Sir:

#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a

beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.

#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you

know how to turn it on.

#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of

regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture

to fill it, please do not blame the management.

So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.

A John

07-09-09, 21:23

*A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.*

*She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'*

*He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'*

*So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.*

*One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.*

*After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.*

*She said, 'That was incredible!'*

*He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'*

*So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.*

*After seventy -five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel a nd was hardly out of breath.*

*He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'*

*'No,' she said, 'I was a hooker in Pittsburgh and I worked both sides of the River*

A John

07-09-09, 21:25

Did you know:

That the words race car spelled backward says race car.

That eat is the only word that if you take the 1st letter and move it to the last, it spells it's past tense ate.

And

Have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in
"illegal immigrants,"
and add just a few more letters, it spells out:

"Fuck off and go home you free-loading, benefit grabbing, kid producing, violent, non-English speaking cocksuckers and take those hairy faced, sandal wearing, bomb making, goat fucking, smelly rag head bastards with you."

How weird is that?

A John

07-10-09, 22:52

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.
For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a
hat over his manhood.
A woman walks past and says, snickering,
"If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly
it would lift itself."

Muddy Shoes

07-11-09, 08:50

While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait,.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car with that classic patronizing smirk asked,.....'What's your hurry?'

To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammered, 'A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.'

'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole? 'he asked.

'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...'

A John

07-11-09, 13:12

How To Keep Your Mother In Law From Visiting

http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=Doggy1.wmv

Theguy

07-12-09, 14:55

This is outstanding!!!

Have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in
"illegal immigrants,"
and add just a few more letters, it spells out:

"Fuck off and go home you free-loading, benefit grabbing, kid producing, violent, non-English speaking cocksuckers and take those hairy faced, sandal wearing, bomb making, goat fucking, smelly rag head bastards with you."

A John

07-12-09, 18:25

The Big Deck.......... too funny

http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=BigDeck.wmv

A John

07-13-09, 20:49

sharing.....................

http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=sharing.wmv
http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=2044sharing.wmv

A John

07-13-09, 20:54

The heck with the liberal AARP (American Association for Retired People).

I joined the new AARP.

Here's my new card...

Gdlint

07-14-09, 08:38

Have you ever wondered where the phrase 'You have to Be Shitting Me'' came from? Well, it just so happens to have originated with the Father of Our Country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops. There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about. Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading. Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth. Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on. Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.'They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house. What they didn't know was that this was a house of I'll repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came. General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman. A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.'

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have? '

Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters.'

And the Madam said, 'You have to be shitting me! '

Gdlint

07-15-09, 14:46

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini , Italy , went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: 'Father .. During World War II , a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'

The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.'

'There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays'

The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'

'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question.'

'And what is that?' asked the priest.

'Should I tell her the war is over?''

Gdlint

07-15-09, 22:44

PHYSICAL CHECKUP

After the eighty three year old lady finished her annual physical examination, the doctor said, "You are in fine shape for your age, but tell me, do you still have intercourse?" "Just a minute, I'll have to ask my husband," she said. She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled out loud: "Bob, do we still have intercourse?" And there was a hush you could hear a pin drop. Bob answered impatiently, "If I told you once, Irma, I told you a hundred times..

What we have is Blue Cross!"

Gdlint

07-17-09, 16:24

The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Madame Speaker and The Pope, however, have seen it all before.

To make it a little more interesting, Madame Speaker says to the Pope, "Did You know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?"

He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.

The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do...

"That was impressive, the Pope says, "But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make many people in the crowd, and many around the world, go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."

The speaker seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and so many people will rejoice forever? Show me."

So the Pope slapped her.

Gdlint

07-18-09, 18:49

A Department of Water Resources representative stops at a Texas ranch and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation.

The old rancher says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there."

The Water representative says, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the Water Rep running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull. The bull is gaining with every step. The Rep is clearly terrified, so the old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

"Your card! Show him your card"

Gdlint

07-19-09, 10:52

Mechanic69

07-19-09, 21:02

For those of you who might be considering a road trip, be advised:

Portions of I-64, I-70, I-29 & I-90 will be closed this weekend.

Expect long delays along these interstate highways plus major

traffic disruptions in Charleston,WV, Louisville, KY, St Louis, MO,

Kansas City, MO, and Omaha, NE.

A 500-ton piece of coal is being moved from West Virginia to South

Dakota so that Barack H.. Obama can be added to Mt Rushmor

Gdlint, you might as well accept it Barack Obama is the President of The United States of America now and will probably be President for 8 years. He was elected by a majority Americans and yes he is part black as are many Americans. You must have a miserable life if have to hunt biggoted racial jokes and post them here. They belong on the neo-nazi and kkk sites. That's probably where you find this crap. Why don't you expend your energy hunting sex jokes to post on this sexually oriented site. I bet it would make you feel better.

Gdlint

07-20-09, 10:25

Gdlint, you might as well accept it Barack Obama is the President of The United States of America now and will probably be President for 8 years. He was elected by a majority Americans and yes he is part black as are many Americans. You must have a miserable life if have to hunt biggoted racial jokes and post them here. They belong on the neo-nazi and kkk sites. That's probably where you find this crap. Why don't you expend your energy hunting sex jokes to post on this sexually oriented site. I bet it would make you feel better.I could care less what color Barack Obama is. If he was green with orange spots he is still President for as long as he is elected. I was forwarded a joke that I thought was humorous and I posted it as I do a lot of jokes. If you were offended I am sorry. I am offended by the idea that OUR President has this idea that we can spend our way out of bankruptcy but as you stated in your attack, THAT opinion belongs in another site. Lighten up 69, I am not a bigot and the whole neo-nazi thing is sickening to me.

Fangsdiam

07-20-09, 15:25

I could care less what color Barack Obama is. If he was green with orange spots he is still President for as long as he is elected. I was forwarded a joke that I thought was humorous and I posted it as I do a lot of jokes. If you were offended I am sorry. I am offended by the idea that OUR President has this idea that we can spend our way out of bankruptcy but as you stated in your attack, THAT opinion belongs in another site. Lighten up 69, I am not a bigot and the whole neo-nazi thing is sickening to me.I agree the joke was extremely funny. If you are offended by a joke like that you may want to go ahead and unplug all electronic devices you own cause everyone in the world is telling jokes like that one and more.

SgtPerv

07-20-09, 15:45

In My Hand I Hold A Ball,
White And Dimpled, Rather Small.
Oh, How Bland It Does Appear,
This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.

By Its Size I Could Not Guess,
The Awesome Strength It Does Possess.
But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell,
I've Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.

My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same,
Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game.
It Rules My Mind For Hours On End,
A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.

It Has Made Me Yell, Curse And Cry,
I Hate Myself And Want To Die.
It Promises A Thing Called Par,
If I Can Hit It Straight And Far.

To Master Such A Tiny Ball,
Should Not Be Very Hard At All.
But My Desires The Ball Refuses,
And Does Exactly As It Chooses.

It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies,
And Even Disappears Before My Eyes.
Often It Will Have A Whim,
To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim.

With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land,
It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand.
Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul,
If Only It Would Find The Hole.

It's Made Me Whimper Like A Pup,
And Swear That I Will Give It Up.
And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow,
But The Ball Knows ... I'll Be Back Tomorrow.

Stand proud you noble swingers of clubs and losers of balls....
A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
That means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.
Kind of makes you proud. Almost feel like a hybrid.

Highway Man

07-20-09, 16:35

I could care less what color Barack Obama is. If he was green with orange spots he is still President for as long as he is elected. I was forwarded a joke that I thought was humorous and I posted it as I do a lot of jokes. If you were offended I am sorry. I am offended by the idea that OUR President has this idea that we can spend our way out of bankruptcy but as you stated in your attack, THAT opinion belongs in another site. Lighten up 69, I am not a bigot and the whole neo-nazi thing is sickening to me.

That was a pretty funny joke. Obama made the color differences an issue when he pointed out that he did not look like any of the other presidents on our money - never mind that all of them are dead.

I don't like racial Obama jokes simply because they take the focus away from the terrible job that he is doing and give some folks a platform to start screaming racism every time that Obama is criticized for another boneheaded move.

But that joke is funny.

A John

07-21-09, 14:12

As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials,
Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E.. Coli) - bacteria found in feces.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whisky or other liquor), because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember:
Water = Poop, Wine = Health .

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
Than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service.

Baltimonger

07-21-09, 15:41

What 2 words best describe a night at Barney Frank's house?

Freddie and Fannie.

LordBlackAdder

07-22-09, 23:23

I was born in one country, raised in another. My father was born in another country. I was not his only child. He fathered several children with numerous women.

I became very close to my mother, as my father showed no interest in me. My mother died at an early age from cancer.

Later in life, questions arose over my real name.

My birth records were sketchy and no one was able to produce a legitimate, reliable birth certificate.

I worked and lived among lower-class people as a young adult, disguising myself as someone who really cared about them.

That was before I decided it was time to get serious about my life and I embarked on a new career..

I wrote a book about my struggles growing up. It was clear to those who read my memoirs that I had difficulties accepting that my father abandoned me as a child.

I became active in local politics in my 30's then with help behind the scenes, I literally burst onto the scene as a candidate for national office in my 40s. They said I had a golden tongue and could talk anyone into anything.

I had a virtually non-existent resume, little work history, and no experience in leading a single organization. Yet I was a powerful speaker and citizens were drawn to me as though I were a magnet and they were small roofing tacks.

I drew incredibly large crowds during my public appearances. This bolstered my ego.

At first, my political campaign focused on my country's foreign policy...... I was very critical of my country in the last war and seized every opportunity to bash my
country..

But what launched my rise to national prominence were my views on the country's economy. I pretended to have a really good plan on how we could do better and every poor person would be fed and housed for free.

I knew which group was responsible for getting us into this mess. It was the free market, banks & corporations. I decided to start making citizens hate them and if they were envious of others who did well, the plan was clinched tight.

I called mine "A People's Campaign" and that sounded good to all people.

I was the surprise candidate because I emerged from outside the traditional path of politics and was able to gain widespread popular support.

I knew that, if I merely offered the people 'hope', together we could change our country and the world.

So, I started to make my speeches sound like they were on behalf of the downtrodden, poor, ignorant to include "persecuted minorities". My true views were not widely known and I kept them unknown, until after I became my nation's leader.

I had to carefully guard reality, as anybody could have easily found out what I really believed, if they had simply read my writings and examined those people I associated with.

I'm glad they didn't. For if they had I might not have become the most powerful man in the world. And the world learned the truth.

So who reading this know who am I?

Spearmonger

07-23-09, 00:51

Adolf Hitler?

Winddance1

07-23-09, 11:11

[QUOTE=Spearmonger]Adolf Hitler

Barrack Obama

Vargr

07-23-09, 20:46

Adolf Hitler

Barrack ObamaPeople do seem to forget that Nazi stands for "National SOCIALIST". No further politics here, or was Winddance1 implying that "Barack Obama" is a joke in itself?

Gdlint

07-23-09, 21:04

I think the later.

People do seem to forget that Nazi stands for "National SOCIALIST". No further politics here, or was Winddance1 implying that "Barack Obama" is a joke in itself?

Seva Lurker

07-23-09, 21:17

I agree with Vargr, so my response (http://www.usasexguide.info/forum/showpost.php?p=841407&postcount=12) is here. In the American Politics during the Obama Presidency (http://www.usasexguide.info/forum/showthread.php?t=5936) forum.

Where it belongs.

Pumphusk

07-23-09, 22:34

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uCPBXvHAah8

When you wish upon a *****
Makes no difference who you bore
Anything your schwanz desires
Will come to you...

If her crotch is in your dream
No request is too extreme
When you wish upon a *****
As dreamers do...

Fate is kind
She brings to those who pay
The sweet fulfillment of
Their secret banging

Like a bolt out of the blue
Fate steps in and you'll shoot goo!
When you wish upon a *****
Your dreams come true

SgtPerv

07-23-09, 23:21

Subject: Another use for a glass of milk

A man is sunbathing in his yard in the nude.

His penis becomes sunburned and the only thing he had next to him that was cool was a glass of milk. He sticks it in the milk to cool it down.

His blonde neighbor notices that he sticks it in the milk and says WOW is that how you reload that thing?

Hell On Wls

07-23-09, 23:31

The top twelve indicators the economy is bad--

12. CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

11. I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

10. I went to buy a toaster oven and they gave me a bank.

9. Hotwheels and Matchbox car companies are now trading higher than GM in the stock market.

8. Obama met with small businesses. GE, Pfizer, Chrysler, Citigroup and GM, to discuss the Stimulus Package.

7. McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

6 People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and are learning their child's names.

5. The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.

4. People in Africa are donating money to Americans. Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "finish your plate; do you know how many kids are starving in America? "

3. Motel Six won't leave the lights on.

2. The Mafia is laying off judges.

And my most favorite indicator of all.

1. If the bank returns your check marked as "insufficient funds, " you have to call them and ask if they meant you or them.
___________________________________

Hell On Wls

07-23-09, 23:35

A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over and sliced the man's penis off and tossed it out the car window.

Driving behind the couple was a man and his 6-year-old daughter. The little girl was chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the penis smacked their car windshield, stuck for a moment, and then flew off.

The little girl said to her daddy, "What the heck was that? "

Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age the father replied, "It. It was only a bug, Honey."

The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a moment said, "Sure had a big dick, didn't it?"

Hell On Wls

07-23-09, 23:50

We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:

:) means a smile and

:( is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by

:-)

:-(

Well, how about some 'ASSICONS?'

Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) an ass hole

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass

You have just been e-mooned!

Hell On Wls

07-24-09, 00:02

Our Mexican Maid

Our Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. My wife was very upset about
this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

Wife: Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?
Maria: Well, senora, there are three reasons. The first is that I iron
better than you.
Wife: Who said you iron better than me?
Maria: Your husband said so.
Wife: Oh.

Maria: The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.
Wife: Nonsense! Who said you were a better cook than me?
Maria: Your husband did.
Wife: Oh.

Maria: My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.
Wife: (really furious now) Did my husband say that as well?
Maria: No, senora, the gardener did.
Wife: So how much do you want?

A John

07-24-09, 06:17

Just funny.

redneck skeet shooting....................

http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=RedneckSkeetShooting.wmv

Misfit

07-26-09, 06:52

Hell On Wls

07-27-09, 01:05

Thanks Misfit glad you updated us! HH

Gdlint

07-27-09, 22:45

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try to show some understanding. My name is Wayne, and let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Beverly.

When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Bev to get a full time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the country club, so eating out again at night is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooking when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating, but now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that the dishes won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed. Another symptom of aging is complaining. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'them for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think that this is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.-- or just bring me a cold beer in a frosted mug.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Bev, and I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older, but, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this letter, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed,

Wayne

EDITOR'S NOTE:

Wayne died tragically on March 1st of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and with a sledge hammer lying nearby.

His wife Beverly was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Wayne somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

LordBlackAdder

07-29-09, 14:26

Adolf Hitler?

You are right, although I see that others thought this was someone else. Guess those two guys have a lot in common.

LordBlackAdder

07-29-09, 14:28

Congress today announced that the office of President of the United States of America will be outsourced to India as of September 1, 2009.

The move is being made in order to save the President's $500,000 yearly salary, and also a record $750 billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead that his office has incurred during the last 3 months. It is anticipated that $7 trillion can be saved through the end of the President's term.

"We believe this is a wise financial move. The cost savings are huge," stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA). "We cannot remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay," he noted.

Obama was informed by email this morning of his termination. Preparations for the job move have been underway for some time.

Gurvinder Singh, a tele-techniciakn for Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, India, will assume the office of President as of September 1, 2009. Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, NY, thus making him eligible for the position. An eligibility Obama has so far been unwilling (or unable) to provide. Mr. Singh will receive a salary of $320 a month, but no health coverage or other benefits.

It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference between the US and India, he will be working primarily at night. "Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the Dell Computer call center," stated Mr. Singh in a web-cast interview. "I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President."

A White House spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not be a problem as Obama also had never been familiar with the issues.

Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issue at all.

"We know these scripting tools work," stated the spokesperson. "Obama has used them successfully for years, with the result that some people actually thought he knew what he was talking about."

Obama will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day of employment. Following a two-week waiting period, he will be eligible for $140 a week unemployment for 26 weeks. Unfortunately he will not be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed limit.

The President has been provided with the outplacement services of Manpower, Inc. to help him write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition. According to Manpower, Obama may have difficulties in securing a new position due to a lack of any successful work experience during his lifetime. A greeter position at WalMart was suggested due to Obama's extensive experience at shaking hands as well as his special smile.

Hell On Wls

07-29-09, 18:56

This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It is reported to have been listed in the Atlanta Journal.

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Annie, I'll be waiting.

Cid: 1.459083952atweb51107. Mail. Re2. Yahoo.com

Over 150 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society.

If you don't pass this along, a dog will come out and pee on your keyboard.

Hell On Wls

07-29-09, 19:17

A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along.

When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."

The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say? " The wife yells back to him...

"GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR"

A John

07-29-09, 19:34

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing
alone. She approached him..

'My name is Carmen,' she told him.

'That's a beautiful name,' he replied, 'Is it a family name?'

'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most
-- cars and men.'

'What's your name?' she asked.

He said, 'B.J. Titsengolf.

A John

07-29-09, 19:45

A Plane Is On Its Way To Houston When A Blonde In Economy Class Gets Up
And Moves To The First Class Section And Sits Down.

The Flight Attendant Watches Her Do This And Asks To See Her Ticket.
She Then Tells The Blonde That She Paid For Economy Class And That She
Will Have To
Sit In The Back.

The Blonde Replies, 'i'm Blonde, I'm Beautiful, I'm Going To Houston
And I'm Staying Right Here.'

The Flight Attendant Goes Into The Cockpit And Tells The Pilot And The
Copilot That There Is A Blonde Bimbo Sitting In First Class That
Belongs In Economy And Won't Move Back To Her Seat.

The Copilot Goes Back To The Blonde And Tries To Explain That Because
She Only Paid For Economy She Will Have To Leave And Return To Her Seat.

The Blonde Replies, 'i'm Blonde, I'm Beautiful, I'm Going To Houston
And I'm Staying Right Here.'

The Copilot Tells The Pilot That He Probably Should Have The Police
Waiting When They Land To Arrest This
Blonde Woman Who Won't Listen To Reason.

The Pilot Says, 'you Say She Is A Blonde? I'll Handle This. I'm Married
To A Blonde. I Speak Blonde.'

He Goes Back To The Blonde And Whispers In Her Ear, And She Says, 'oh,
I'm Sorry.' And She Gets Up And Goes Back To Her Seat In Economy.=0
D

The Flight Attendant And Copilot Are Amazed And Asked Him What He Said
To Make Her Move Without Any Fuss.

I Told Her, 'first Class Isn't Going To Houston

Hell On Wls

07-29-09, 20:23

Have you heard of the new jet age dress?

When she bends over you can see the cock pit!

A John

07-30-09, 15:29

That`s a good one............

Have you heard of the new jet age dress?
When she bends over you can see the cock pit!

It's not difficult to make a woman happy.
A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4.. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36.. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40.. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44.. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked

2. Bring alcohol

SgtPerv

08-01-09, 01:12

Beer vs Vagina

BEER vs. VAGINA!!! There are no losers...really.

1.Beer is always wet. Vagina needs a little work.

One point to BEER

2.Warm beer tastes awful.

One point to VAGINA

3.A really cold beer is satisfying.

One point to BEER

4.If after taking a swig of your favourite beer you find a hair between your teeth, you may vomit.

One point to VAGINA

5. If you get home reeking of beer your wife may get mad, make a scene, kick you out, etc. If you get home reeking of vagina your wife may get mad, kick you out, even leave you. There's definitely a point to be had here, depending on your point of view and personal circumstances. I'll just call it a DRAW for the time being.

6. Ten beers in one night and you can't drive home. Ten vaginas in one night and you don't want to drive anywhere.

One point to VAGINA

7. If you have a lot of beer in a public place, your reputation may suffer. If you eat any vagina in public, you become a legend.

One point to VAGINA

8. If a cop stops you and you smell of beer you may get arrested. If you smell of vagina he may buy you a beer.

One point to VAGINA

9. You normally don't find old beer.

One point to BEER

10. Too much beer and you'll think you see flying saucers. Too much vagina and you'll think you've seen God.

One point to VAGINA

11.. Ripping off a beer bottle label is boring. Ripping off panties is fun.

One point to VAGINA

12. In most countries there's a tax on beer.

One point to VAGINA

13. If you have another beer the first one never gets pissed off.

One point to BEER

14. You can always be sure if you're the first one to open a bottle or a can.

One point to BEER

15. If you shake beer it'll get all agitated but eventually it settles down.

One point to BEER

16. With beer you always have choice: clear, dark, pilsner, ale, lager,etc.

One point to BEER

1 7. You always know how much beer is going to cost.

One point to BEER

18. Beer doesn't have a mother.

One point to BEER

19. Beer never expects to be hugged for half an hour after you drink it.

One point to BEER

20. Tapping a Keg... easy. Tapping a Vagina... may take you weeks.

One Point to BEER

Final Score: 11 BEER, 8 VAGINA

Clinton Bush

08-02-09, 00:09

Sounds like it is true - http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bos/55265713.html

Member #4064

08-02-09, 08:06

Sounds like it is true - http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bos/55265713.html

Clinton,
Although it is a bit humorous it may not be true. I read this on the Detroit list a while back. I never read the Boston list so I it could be just a story or was copied from another city.

A John

08-04-09, 07:39

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged,one is a
mistress and I have been married for 20+ years.We were chatting about
our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the
door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We
agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:

The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black
leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You
are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made passionate love
all night long.

The mistress:

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing
a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my
eyes.When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word but he started to
tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:

When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black
stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,

'What's for dinner, Batman?'

A John

08-04-09, 07:41

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?"

He replied: "It feels great, but I think my thumb's still broken!"

Gdlint

08-04-09, 16:03

My girlfriend and I were making love last night when she looked up at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies".

So I turned her over on all fours, stuck it in her ass, pulled it out, flipped her back over and came all over her face and hair.

She screamed & cried like hell!

I guess we don't watch the same movies.

A John

08-05-09, 12:19

Don't fall for this shit......................

http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=ToplessCarWash.wmv

Gdlint

08-05-09, 13:29

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my drink and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

Quality Junk

08-05-09, 18:58

Don't fall for this shit......................

http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=ToplessCarWash.wmv

That's one of the better ones you've posted here AJohn.

I couldn't stop laughing.

A John

08-05-09, 20:34

Opinions are like ass holes. I'm glad this one brought a smile to your face.

That's one of the better ones you've posted

LordBlackAdder

08-06-09, 11:08

Wife abandoned by husband for younger woman admits ‘he’s got a point’

A recently separated wife from Hampshire has spoken of the admiration and good will she bears the twenty-something blonde for whom she was recently discarded by her husband. ‘The truth be told, I have let myself go a bit,’ chuckled Mrs Hazel, 48, a housewife from Liphook. ‘At my age, it’s all heading south for winter anyway, but I could have done more to slow the ravages of time. Fair play to John, she’s a stunner. And Chelsea is such a pretty name. I’m sure it sounds much better when screamed in ecstatic abandon than Brenda.’

Having initially struggled to come to terms with being dumped on her birthday, Brenda’s worst fears came to pass when she ran into her estranged husband and his new lover as they dined at the restaurant in which she’s been financially compelled to work as a waitress. ‘Let’s be honest – it could have been really awkward,’ said Mrs Hazel. ‘I’ll admit my first response was to throw scalding hot soup in her whorish face.

But she was just so charming. Eloquent, self-effacing and quite unburdened by the jaded cynicism that has come to characterise my mid-life. She even had the good manners to apologise for her part in the torrid affair that caused the collapse of my 22-year marriage. And she left me a 20% tip.’

Brenda reports that all three of her teenage children are ‘besotted’ by the newcomer in their lives and she believes it will do them ‘no end of good’ to be exposed to such a youthful and vibrant influence, especially one so much closer to their own age. Mr and Mrs Hazel still need to discuss maintenance and custody arrangements, but Brenda is reluctant to ‘crowd’ the new couple in the critical early months of their relationship.

‘She really is a lovely girl,’ sighed Brenda. ‘It’s just a shame she didn’t aim her sights a little higher than a fat, balding prick like my John.’

A John

08-06-09, 18:30

Some new posters....................

A John

08-06-09, 18:32

Some new posters

LordBlackAdder

08-06-09, 19:37

Some facts that for the most part have been omitted from the MSM coverage a a recent big story. Notice how this became fron page news at a time when the MSM needed us to be destracted away from things in Washington DC?

Bill Clinton Acts Quickly to Rescue Hot Chicks

Former US President Bill Clinton has helped to secure the release of two ‘hot’ US reporters from North Korea. The women were variously described by the former president as ‘in good health’ and ‘smokin’. Senior US officials have confirmed that when Mr Clinton heard of the women’s plight he had expressed an immediate interest in their appearance.

It is not the first time Mr Clinton has come to the aid of fellow Americans. In April he came to the aid of twin sisters from Los Angeles who appeared to be trapped in a hot tub at the Playboy Mansion, and in 2007 a woman claimed he performed a ‘variation’ of the heimlich manoeuvre on her at a restaurant in Paris.

President Obama praised Mr Clinton and said ‘No politician has done more for the well-being of hot young women than Mr Clinton, with the possible exception of Silvio Berlusconi.’ The father of Laura Ling, one of the two former captives, said ‘My daughter has been rescued from a fate worse than death. I’m sure she and her friend are on their knees right now thanking the Lord that they have been spared.’

Mr Clinton is now flying back to Los Angeles with the two women in his private jet and his wife, US Secretary of State Hilary Clinton, is said to be eagerly awaiting his return so she can express her own gratitude. Former Vice-President Al Gore, who is said to have played a vital role in negotiating the women’s release, expressed disappointment that Mr Clinton had neglected to take him along. However, Mr Gore said that he was delighted by news of the women’s release and that Mr Clinton had personally assured him that they had a couple of decent-looking friends. Mr Clinton is said to be pleased with the outcome and is hoping that Megan Fox will visit Iran sometime in the very near future.

Icarus02

08-07-09, 00:21

Pretty good

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5eSflbxXeoo&feature=related

Gdlint

08-07-09, 12:44

If the show hasn't been DVR'd or the cable is unable to "pause" the show, you'll need to speak to us after the program has finished. Especially if it's Entourage.

Yes, we aren't sure why we like Entourage either, but we do. We gave you Carrie and her *****-friends for years, let us have Vince and his boys.

Phone conversations need to be kept to a maximum of one and a half minutes, especially if we will see you in the next two hours. Anything you can say to us can be said to our faces. Or just send us an e-mail. Especially if Entourage is on.

You are forbidden from discussing our eating/drinking/dressing habits with our mothers.

Like your orgasms, please fake excitement when we show you how to kill prostitutes in Grand Theft Auto.

As long as it isn't shit on a stick, we don't care what's for dinner.

We'd prefer not to know the details of you and your friends' menstrual cycles.

If you want the bed made, why not do it yourself?

We aren't too old for video games. We're the first generation that had video games, therefore we're pioneers when it comes to them. Expect us to play them well into our 80s.

Just because we brag about the sound and/or potency of our farts doesn't mean you're welcome to do the same.

All that talk about anal sex causing rectal cancer is total and complete bullshit.

We are not to be bothered during Shark Week.

Please, for the love of all that's good and holy in the world, don't even consider getting Kate Gosselin's haircut.

When you hand out a nickname for our genitalia, it should not end in an "ie" or a "y". Also, it's best if the name references a force of nature like thunder or a hurricane.

Even if you can drink us under the table, please don't. Especially in front of our friends.

There's no need to point out that you're taller than us with heels on.

Those naked photos of our ex-girlfriends? We only keep them around to remind us how great you are. No need to freak out and threaten decapitation.

When you get that "monthly visitor" maybe it's time we revisit an oft forgotten practice. Namely, reinstating "blowjob week".

We are to go to Las Vegas and Amsterdam alone.

It's best if you only work with female trainers at the gym. We don't want to hear about Lars with the tank-top helping you do squats.

When we're handling solo duties on the lead vocals of a Bon Jovi song in the car ... it's just that. A solo. There's no dueting in Jovi. Wait until we break out the Indigo Girls for your crack at lead vocals.

Leaving us alone with your father for 18 holes is cruel, especially when we're sure he thinks we're a pussy.

In fact, don't leave us alone with any of your family. This is most important if, for some reason, we're shooting skeet.

Nothing makes you look fat. Nothing. Don't even ask.

If your boyfriend writes a list of 25 new rules for the modern woman and publishes it on a pop culture blog - the rules apply to other women. Not you. You're perfect. And I'll make sure to pick up your dry-cleaning this afternoon.

A John

08-10-09, 15:44

"BAIL EM OUT ?

Hell, back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it. They failed and it closed. Now we are trusting the economy of our country, our banking system, our auto industry and possibly our health plans to the same nit-wits who couldn't make money running a ***** house and selling whiskey!"

Gdlint

08-11-09, 11:57

Nicknames

* If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

* If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

* When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

* When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

* A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

* A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

* A man has seven items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, shampoo and a towel.

* The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

* A woman has the last word in any argument.

* Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

* A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

* A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

* A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

* A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

* A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

* A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

* A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

* A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

* Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

* Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

* Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

* A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

Gdlint

08-11-09, 12:07

I'm a guy, and was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and "flipped" the woman off.

"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself.

I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.

That's 96 miles each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.

Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an8 lane highway.

There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.

That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.

That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.

Statistically, females drive half of these.

That's18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.

That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. that is 449 .

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.

That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.

That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS and is armed.

Flip one off? ....... Oh hell, NO!

A John

08-12-09, 18:00

Why AARP sells insurance........

http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=Insurance.wmv

Gdlint

08-12-09, 22:14

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ralph.'

Ralph was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back! '

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here? '

'Not bad, ' replied Ralph the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode! '

'You're ovulating, ' explained the rooster.

'Don 't tell me you've never laid an egg before? '

'Never, ' said Ralph.

'Well, just relax and let it happen, ' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg.- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell.

'Ralph! Wake up. You shit the bed! '

Bath1234

08-13-09, 22:56

I saw this on a car the other day, bad girls suck, Good girls swallow.

A John

08-14-09, 16:12

Free Sex With Fill-Up

A gas station in Texas was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-Up".

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The redneck then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

The redneck guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."

Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged ----- my wife won twice last week."

Tha X Facta

08-16-09, 20:16

by Davey1965: Actually saw her 3 times, from the area of the ******* and again
on her bike with the same three other kids/friends hanging around the
******* at ************.
Just couldn't help myself! :D Jokes & Humorous Stories

X out; (via the Philly board) Pic in photo Gallery

A John

08-16-09, 21:45

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.'
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10)We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'

11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'Take this and eat it for it is my body.' He did not say 'Eat me'.

12)The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.

13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

A John

08-16-09, 22:02

A crowded Virgin flight was canceled after Virgin's 767s had been
withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of
inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the
desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, ' I HAVE to be on
this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS'.

The attendant replied, 'I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you,
but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work
something out.'
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers
behind him could hear, 'DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?'

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address
microphone: 'May I have your attention please, may I have your attention
please,' she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal..
'We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS . If
anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14.'

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at
the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, 'F... You!'
Without flinching, she smiled and said, .................
'I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too.'

SgtPerv

08-17-09, 18:25

Private Parts

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.

Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz, ' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part.

It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

'I have something to show you won't believe, ' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

'My God! ' the wife exclaimed,

'Schwartz is dead!"

Gdlint

08-17-09, 19:06

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $20 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $40 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

On the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'

A John

08-18-09, 13:08

What did Hoover, Truman, and Eisenhower have in common?

Here is something that should be of great interest for you to pass around.
I didn't know of this until it was pointed out to me.

Back during The Great Depression, President Herbert Hoover ordered the
deportation of ALL illegal aliens in order to make jobs available to American
citizens that desperately needed work.

Harry Truman deported over two million Illegal's after WWII to create jobs
for returning veterans.

And then again in 1954, President Dwight Eisenhower deported 13 million
Mexican Nationals! The program was called 'Operation Wetback'. It was
done so WWII and Korean Veterans would have a better chance at jobs.
It took 2 Years, but they deported them!

Now...if they could deport the illegal's back then - they could sure do it today?

lf you have doubts about the veracity of this information, enter 'Operation
Wetback', into your favorite search engine and confirm it for yourself.

Reminder: Don't forget to pay your taxes...
12 million Illegal Aliens are depending on you!

A John

08-19-09, 11:19

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend
the night with her for $500. They did their thing,
and, before he left, he told her that he did
not have any cash with him, but he would have his
secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling
the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had
done, realizing that the whole event had not been
worth the price. So he had his secretary send a cheque
for $250 and enclose the following typed note:

"Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a cheque for $250 for rent of your
apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon,
because when I rented the place, I was under the
impression that:

#1 - it had never been occupied;

#2 - there was plenty of heat; and

#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cosy and at home.
However, I found out that:

#1 - it had been previously occupied,

#2 - there wasn ' t any heat, and

#3 - it was entirely too large."

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately
returned the cheque for $250 with the following note:

" Dear Sir:

#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a
beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.

#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you
know how to turn it on.

#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of
regular size, but if you don ' t have enough furniture
to fill it, please do not blame the management.

So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced
to contact your present landlady."

A John

08-19-09, 11:25

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take
it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on
someone you don't know!

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to
make.

I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."

I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn
Carter?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f*** ing
number!"
and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down
Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally
transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and
hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and
put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills
or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole !"
It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic asshole calling
would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the
telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller
ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back
and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had
patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting
for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in
his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his
number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole,
too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
He said, "Yes, it is."
I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?"
He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax.
It's a yellow ranch house, and the car's parked right out in front."

I asked, "What's your name?" He said, "My name is Don Hansen."

I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
He said, "I'm home every evening after five."

I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
He said, "Yes?"
I said, "Don, you're an asshole!"

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I
had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1. He said, "Hello."
I said, "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

He asked, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah."
He screamed, "Stop calling me!"
I said, "Make me."
He asked, "Who are you?"
I said, "My name is Don Hansen."
He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?"
I said, "Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow ranch
house, I have a black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start
saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,"
and hung up.

Then I called Asshole No. 2.
He said, "Hello?"
I said, "Hello, asshole ."
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
I said, "You'll what?"
He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass,"
I answered, "Well , asshole, here's your chance.
I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at
34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that my gay lover was on his way over
to kill me.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree
Blvd.
in Fairfax.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax.. I got there just
in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in
front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a
news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management works.

A John

08-19-09, 11:31

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man...

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane.

The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer and the dog is a 'Sniffer dog'. 'His name is Ace and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane takes off, and once it has leveled, the agent says: Watch this.' He tells Ace to 'search'.

Ace jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds Ace then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.

The agent says, 'Good boy', and he turns to the man and says: 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.'

'Say, that's pretty neat,' replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Ace to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm.

The agent says, that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making note of his seat number for the police.' I like it!' says his seat mate.

The agent then tells Ace to 'search' again.

Ace walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to shit all over the place.

The first man is really amazed by this behavior and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this, so he asks the agent 'What's going on?'

The agent nervously replies, 'He just found a bomb.'

Nightlife

08-19-09, 15:49

Great News for YOU during these financially challenging times!

I found a local prostitute who charges by the inch.

Obviously, I can't afford her, but I thought you might enjoy a cheap night out.

A John

08-19-09, 22:14

Eternal rest above Marilyn Monroe? Bid on it..............

http://cgi.ebay.com/Crypt-Above-Marilyn-Monroe-For-Sale_W0QQitemZ320412140795QQcmdZViewItemQQptZLH_DefaultDomain_0?hash=item4a9a0d44fb&_trksid=p3286.c0.m14

LordBlackAdder

08-20-09, 10:58

Somewhat humourous news, from the other side of the big blue wobbly thing that the mermaids live in.... They also seem to be getting younger every year.

Newspaper editors across the country were celebrating this week, as it was revealed that this year’s A level students are the prettiest ever. The results met with complaints from disgruntled old picture editors who used to cover the A level results in the 1980’s. ‘In our day it was much more difficult to track down an attractive 18 year old girl with good exam results to stick on the front page. Nowadays there so are many A’s being dished out that even the most useless inexperienced journalist can find one.’

However press photographers were insistent that their jobs were just as difficult as 20 years ago. ‘It’s all very well being criticised by bitter old hacks’, said Nigel Tweed of the Daily Telegraph, ‘but the fact is you can’t just stick any old totty on our front page like you used to. Nowadays you need to find pretty twins hugging another or at least the outline of a nipple’.

Dave Curtly from The Sun was equally adamant that standards had not fallen. ‘It’s tough out there,’ he said. ‘Page 3 is now getting difficult to fill, with some many A grade students around there are very few dumb blondes left’.

Gdlint

08-20-09, 15:03

All you really need to know about Government and Bureaucracy:

** Lord's prayer: ................................... 66 words.
** Archimedes' Principle: ........................... 67 words.
** 10 Commandments: ................................. 179 words.
** Gettysburg address: .............................. 286 words.
** Declaration of Independence: ................... 1,300 words.

US Government regulations on the sale of cabbage: 26,911 words

Markvi

08-20-09, 22:26

The following are all replies that Detroit women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing "father's details;" or putting it another way.... Who's yo baby's Daddy? These are genuine excerpts from the forms!

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Willie McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced. That would be the daddy..

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I think that my son's conception was ejaculate stuff on a tawl and that he is an axident.

6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cat aclysmic implications for his wife. I am torn between doing right by you and right by him. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as they all look the same to me.

8. Tyrone Lairston is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time.... well, I don't have clue.

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; it really was in the Magic Kingdom .

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 8956 Miller Ave. , mine might have remained unfertilized.

And my personal favorite. . .

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

A John

08-21-09, 17:19

TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically

comes up with a suggestion.

If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of
toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds".

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand
in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

"How long will this take?" I asked.

They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.

I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper
between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the
years?"

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your ass, didn't it?"

A John

08-21-09, 17:21

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

A John

08-21-09, 17:23

I became confused when I heard the word"Service" used with these agencies:

Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S.. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
State, City, County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'
This is not what I thought 'Service' meant..
But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'Service' a few cows..
BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.
You are now as enlightened as I am.

Gdlint

08-22-09, 12:37

A cowboy appeared before Peter at the Pearly Gates.

'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.

So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.

I yelled, 'Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!'

St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Just a couple of minutes ago...'

A John

08-22-09, 22:35

A country preacher had a teenage son, and it was time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, a bottle of whisky, and a Playboy magazine.

'I'll just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said to himself. 'When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer.'

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.

'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher whispered. 'He's going to run for Congress.'

Ezenuf

08-24-09, 17:30

The year is 1947

Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a
little over 60 years
Ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying
object (UFO) with five
Aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and mule ranch
just outside Roswell ,
New Mexico . This is a well known incident that
many say has long been
Covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other
federal agencies and
Organizations.

However, what you may NOT know is that in the
month of April 1948, nine
Months after that historic day, the following
people were born:

> > > > > Albert A. Gore, Jr..
> > > > > Hillary Rodham
> > > > > John F. Kerry
> > > William J. Clinton
> > > > > Howard Dean
> > > > > Nancy Pelosi
> > > > > Dianne Feinstein
> > > > > Charles E. Schumer
> > > > > Barbara Boxer

See what happens when aliens breed with sheep and
jackasses?
I certainly hope this bit of information clears
up a lot of things for
you. It did for me.

No wonder they support the bill to help illegal
aliens!
Now You Know.

Seva Lurker

08-24-09, 18:07

The year is 1947

Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a
little over 60 years
Ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying
object (UFO) with five
Aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and mule ranch
just outside Roswell ,
New Mexico . This is a well known incident that
many say has long been
Covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other
federal agencies and
Organizations.

However, what you may NOT know is that in the
month of April 1948, nine
Months after that historic day, the following
people were born:

> > > > > Albert A. Gore, Jr.. (born March 31, 1948)
> > > > > Hillary Rodham (born October 26, 1947)
> > > > > John F. Kerry (born December 11, 1943)
> > > William J. Clinton (born August 19, 1946)
> > > > > Howard Dean (born November 17, 1948)
> > > > > Nancy Pelosi (born March 26, 1940)
> > > > > Dianne Feinstein (born June 22, 1933)
> > > > > Charles E. Schumer (born November 23, 1950)
> > > > > Barbara Boxer (born November 11, 1940)

See what happens when aliens breed with sheep and
jackasses?
I certainly hope this bit of information clears
up a lot of things for
you. It did for me.

No wonder they support the bill to help illegal
aliens!
Now You Know.

I may be crazy, but it seems I've seen this before (http://www.usasexguide.info/forum/showpost.php?p=773141&postcount=1318).

Side note, all the birth dates came from Wikipedia.

LutzMonger

08-24-09, 18:54

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology when he turned to his wife and said,

"Honey, I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time."

She said, "You have the biggest penis of all your friends."

Baltimonger

08-24-09, 19:22

I may be crazy, but it seems I've seen this before (http://www.usasexguide.info/forum/showpost.php?p=773141&postcount=1318).

Side note, all the birth dates came from Wikipedia.

Buuuuuuuuullllllllllssssssssshhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiitttttt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
http://www.snopes.com/politics/humor/roswell.asp

DarkSilver

08-24-09, 22:57

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn'tneed.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets ahusband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets awife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than hiswife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do,
but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but hedoesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change,and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of anew argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking mein the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

LutzMonger

08-25-09, 22:26

A guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is orange." Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange. Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life."

Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "How are things going at work? " The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. Guy responds, "No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy." So the doc figures this isn't the reason.

He asks the guy, "How's your home life? " The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago." The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys stress. Guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old *****." So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer.

He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life? " The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I sit home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos."

Gdlint

08-26-09, 16:28

How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?

Even the pool table doesn't have balls.

What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?

Fur Traders.

What do you have when you've got 50 lesbians and 50 state workers?

100 people that don't do dick.

Gdlint

08-28-09, 11:40

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, Coochy Coo? " asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face, " he answered. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love? " She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, . The only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop. But at the bar. You know. They have frozen glasses. "

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face? " She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious. I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK? "

"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh? " She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps and little quiches.

"But my sweet honey. At the bar. You know there are swearing, dirty words and all that."

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?

LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS? "

And they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?.

KINDA MAKES YOUR EYES TEAR UP, DOESN'T IT?

A John

08-29-09, 14:41

We've all kicked back in our cubicles And suddenly felt something brewing down Below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise,
The WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work,
following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING When farting, you walk really fast around the

Office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a

Whiff, but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when

You do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled.

Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly

Going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE A fart that slips out while taking a pee or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.

Pretend it did not happen. If you are a man and are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the

WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER A colleague who poops at work and is doggone proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm.

Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

SAFE HAVENS A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work.

If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert a potential TURD BURGLAR. Very effective when used in conjunction with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.

SHIRLEY TEMPLE A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear a SHIRLEY TEMPLE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

SOME VARIETIES OF POOP YOU SHOULD BE AWARE OF:

The King Poop = This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.

Bali Belly Poop = You poop so much you lose 5 lbs.

Cement Block = You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poop.

Cork Poop = Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. How do I get rid of it? This poop usually happens at someone else's house.

The Bungee Poop = The kind of poop that just hangs off your rear before it falls into the water.

The Crippler = The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.

The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang = The kind of poop that hits you when

You're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.

The Party Pooper = The giant poop you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.

A John

09-01-09, 17:20

You are riding on a beautiful white horse.
On your left side is a drop off.
On your right side are several ostriches being chased by a lion.
In front of you are four large gazelles that won't get out of your way and you can't seem to overtake them.
Behind you is a stampede of horses.
What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?

* Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round. *

A John

09-03-09, 14:57

A notable gynecologist once said,
The best engine in the world is the vagina.
It can be started with one finger.
It is self lubricating.
It takes any size piston.
Once started, it can develop awesome energy.
And it changes its own oil every four weeks.
"It is only a pity that the management system is so fucking temperamental."

A John

09-03-09, 15:03

A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and
invited all of his buddies and neighbors.
He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood. He held
the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp,
oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.
At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 foot
man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to
anyone who has the nerve to jump in.'

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash.
Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!
Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing
it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and
choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through
the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the
gator were screaming and raising hell.
Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a
dime store goldfish.

Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring
at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, 'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million
dollars.'
'No, that's okay. I don't want it,' said Leroy.
The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the
bet. How about half a million bucks then?'

No thanks, I don't want it,' answered Leroy.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was
amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock
options?'

Again Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, Leroy, then what do you want?'

Leroy said, 'I want the name of the Sumbich who pushed me in the pool!

A John

09-09-09, 07:20

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV
set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending
your stimulus check wisely:

• If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China.
• If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
• If you purchase a computer, it will go to India.
• If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico,
Honduras and Guatemala.
• If you buy a car, it will go to Japan or Korea.
• If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.
• If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to
management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in America by:

1 spending it at yard sales, or
2 going to ball games, or
3 spending it on prostitutes, or
4 beer or
5 tattoos.

(These are the only American businesses still operating in the US.)

Conclusion:
Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day!

A John

09-11-09, 17:10

Sleeping with Bob

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly.. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night."

Gdlint

09-13-09, 22:18

In ancient Greece (469. 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students.? "

"Wait a moment, " Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."

"Test of Three? "

"That's correct, " Socrates continued.

"Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true? "

"No, " the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right, " said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good? "

"No, on the contrary."

"So, " Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true? "

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because there is a third test. The filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me? "

"No, not really."

"Well, " concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all? "

The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

A John

09-14-09, 19:01

The Government Can

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LO2eh6f5Go0

A John

09-14-09, 20:10

Three Texans were working up on a cell phone tower: Grant
Park, Ronnie
Bob and Donnie Bob. As they start their descent, Grant
slips, falls off
the tower and is DRT (Dead Right There).

As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie Bob says,
'Well, dang,
someone should go and tell his wife.'

Donnie Bob says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that
sensitive stuff, I'll do
it.'

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of
Budweiser.

Ronnie Bob says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie
Bob?'

'Grant's wife gave it to me,' Donnie Bob
replies.

'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband
was dead and she
gave you beer?'

'Well, not exactly', Donnie Bob says, 'When she
answered the door, I
said to her, "You must be Grant's
widow".'
She said, 'You must be mistaken, I'm not a
widow.'

Then I said, 'I'll bet you a
case of Budweiser you are.'

(Rednecks Are Good At That Sensitive Stuff.)

Bonerfide

09-14-09, 20:30

Now this story is hilarious! Sex, corruption, government supported organization but only Fox is giving it any coverage on TV!

http://www.nypost.com/p/news/local/brooklyn/pimp_hooker_catch_staff_Js4YPEcsCcxLZhAEehLhmL

Cowboy01

09-16-09, 19:35

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee Machine, inhales a big breathe of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual Harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks: 'What's sexually Threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice? '

The woman replies, "It's Pee Wee. The midget".

A John

09-17-09, 15:29

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach
when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a
booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have tried to
be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one
wish."

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge
to Hawaii ' so I can ride over anytime I
want.'

The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic, think of
the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the
supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the
concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust
several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for
me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little
more time and think of something that could possibly help
mankind.'

The biker
thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said,
'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women;
I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking
when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what
she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps
and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman
truly happy..'

The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that
bridge?'

Gdlint

09-17-09, 21:11

Martinis are like tits: One ain't enough, three is too many.

A John

09-17-09, 21:48

This is worth every MINUTE (ONLY 4) of your time to watch!
THIS HITS IT OUT OF THE BALL PARK! AND IT ONLY has HAD 24,048 views…

It was taken inside Congress …
IT WAS TAKEN OFF THE VIDEO TAPES OF THE FLOOR OF OUR NATIONAL LEGISLATURE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G44NCvNDLfc&feature=player_embedded

LutzMonger

09-17-09, 22:45

Ralph was attending his biker club’s monthly meeting and had just told them he couldn’t make the scheduled camping trip for the next day because his wife wouldn’t let him go.

After listening to the jeers and other derisive remarks from his fellow biker buddies Ralph left to go back home to his wife. When Ralph’s friends started arriving to set up camp the next day, who should be there but Ralph sitting in front of his Fatboy, tent up, beer in hand, camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of coals.

“How did ya talk your wife into letting you go Ralph?”

“I didn’t have to” was Ralph’s reply.

“When I left the meeting I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then my wife snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, ‘Surprise’!”

When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee and she said, “Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want.”

So… tah dah,…here I am!

KC Questor

09-18-09, 14:50

This is worth every MINUTE (ONLY 4) of your time to watch!
THIS HITS IT OUT OF THE BALL PARK! AND IT ONLY has HAD 24,048 views

Wow, that was hilarious. Thanks for sharing! Very funny.

Oh wait, no it wasn't. It was a political speech about health care. It belongs HERE (http://www.usasexguide.info/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=274).

A John

09-18-09, 20:53

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say..'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew,
and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

Oh wait, no it wasn't. It was a political speech about health care. It belongs HERE (http://www.usasexguide.info/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=274).

Then just copy & paste

A John

09-19-09, 15:32

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?'
'Of course child. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'

LutzMonger

09-21-09, 01:26

Hotel Related Incident

A man checks into a hotel in Auckland while on a business trip and was bit lonely. He thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. He popped into a phone booth in Albert Street near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs.

Well, you get the picture! He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel. When back in the room he figures, what the hell and gave her a call. 'Hello', the woman says. He thought she sounded sexy. 'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound? ' She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 1 for an outside line.' It took three hours for him to get the courage to Checkout next morning.

Gdlint

09-21-09, 12:20

I finally got around to going fishing this morning but after a while I ran out of worms.

Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten.

I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without incident, and carried on my fishing with the frog.

A little later I felt a nudge on my foot.

There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

Gdlint

09-23-09, 20:20

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes! '

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed.'YES! YES! I WON, I WON! '

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll? '

The other answered, 'I don't know. I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY.

Not all Irish are drunks,

Not all blondes are dumb,

But all men. Are men

A John

09-24-09, 04:35

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

'What was that for?' he asked.

'That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it,' she replied.

Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,' he explained.

'Oh honey, I'm sorry,' she said. 'I should have known there was a good explanation '

Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.
When he came to, he asked, 'What the hell was that for?'

She replied...

'Your horse called.'

Gdlint

09-27-09, 18:51

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1, 000.

It happened again the next week!

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate.

This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

'Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1, 000 a week in the collection plate, ' he stated.

'Why yes, she replied, every week my son sends me money andI give some of it to the church.'

The pastor replied, 'That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you? '

The elderly woman answered, $10, 000 a week.'

The pastor was amazed, 'your son is very successful; what does he do for a living? '

"He is a veterinarian, " she answered.

"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money, ' the pastor said.

"Where does he practice? '"

The woman answered proudly, in Nevada, he has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno

A John

09-29-09, 18:23

A man and his wife, moved back home to West Virginia, from Ohio. The husband had a wooden leg, and to insure it back in Ohio cost them $2000. Per year! When they arrived in West Virginia, they went to an insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure his wooden leg. The agent looked it up on the computer and said: '$39.' The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in West Virginia to insure it because it cost him $2000 in Ohio!

The insurance agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says: Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system above it, is $39. You just have to know how to describe it! '

(Those HILLBILLIES know how "to git 'er done"; don't they?)

Pumphusk

09-30-09, 12:12

http://www.metacafe.com/watch/yt-PtSbkheyzeM/ripleys_believe_it_or_not/It's uplifting to know that people in these remote areas have cable, too.

Member #5805

09-30-09, 13:13

It's uplifting to know that people in these remote areas have cable, too.

Tash:
Outstanding comment.

It is amazing how people that don't live in these cultures try to impose their own belief systems on the people that live in these cultures.

Gdlint

10-01-09, 16:31

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is pal, where the heck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their butt to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too." Dang straight! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the freak would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? I hate them.

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the freaking floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!' Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What the crap? Life is the longest dang thing anyone ever freaking does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?" If the bus came would I be standing here, moron?

A John

10-02-09, 16:05

A woman is being shown around the hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

' Oh my GOD! ' screamed the woman. ' That ' s disgraceful! Why is he doing that? '

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I ' m very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn ' t do that
at least five times a day, he ' ll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."

"Oh, well in that case, I guess it ' s okay," said the woman.

As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed,
"Oh my GOD! What is that"?

Again, the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better insurance".

Cowboy01

10-03-09, 00:06

The Parrot

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so cheap," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Well, this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, ut then thought "That's really not so bad."

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, New madam, New girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended, but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.

The parrot looked at him and said.

"Hi Keith!"

AND THEN THE FIGHT STARTED!

Gdlint

10-03-09, 10:58

As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there..

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost and being a typical man, did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where I saw the vault lid already in place.

I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I played out my heart and soul.

As I played the workers began to weep. I played and I played like I'd never played before, from Going Home and The Lord is My Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest. I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace and walked to my car.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, Sweet Jeezuz, Mary 'n Joseph, I have never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.

Gdlint

10-03-09, 22:57

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her..

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

(P.S. - I didn't see it coming, either)