Jokes & Humorous Stories [Archive] - Page 6

Hell On Wls

02-16-09, 12:37

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place, ' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon? '

'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.

If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift. '

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now. ' I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there? '

'Oh, certainly! ' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76. 39%.

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back? '

'Well, ' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.

A John

02-16-09, 13:18

Men Are Just Happier People--- What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays it's original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes --- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Ray the Hunter

02-16-09, 14:56

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead Goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was 'something wrong' with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?'

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!'

'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed. 'She's having Babies.'

'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!'

I was equally outraged.

'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife.

'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?' she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed.

'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,' she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,' I announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle of birth.'

'Oh, gross!' they shrieked

'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient ... After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I noted.

'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified.

'Do something, Dad!' my son urged.

'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared I tried several more times with the same results.

'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know.

'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son hol ding the cage in his lap.

'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged.

'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for G~d's sake.).

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested scientifically.

'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. And Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?'

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife aske d.

'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um ..um ...Masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

'So, Ernie's just, just...excited,' my wife offered.

'Exactly,' the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle, and giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just that ...I'm picturing you pulling on its...its...teeny little... ' She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,' he told me.

'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay eggs!

A John

02-16-09, 19:25

An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day. He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey. He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitching rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, 'Hey old man, have you ever danced?' The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to.' A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, 'Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now,' and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing. When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound. The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet. The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun. The old man asked, 'Did you ever kiss a mule's ass?' The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, 'No. But I've always wanted to.'

The lessons from this story are:

1. Don't waste ammunition.

2. Don't mess with old people.

There are many reasons why they managed to get old.

A John

02-16-09, 19:28

A teacher is explaing biology to her 4th grade students,
Human beings are the only animals that stutter, she says.
A little girl raises her hand. I had a kitty-cat who stuttered,
she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories
could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

Well, she began, I was in the back yard with my kitty
and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start
and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our
yard!

That must've been scary, said the teacher.

It sure was, said the little girl. My kitty raised his back, went Ffff, Ffff, Ffff...

and, before he could say 'Fuck', the Rottweiler ate him!.

A John

02-16-09, 20:31

An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking ceremonial pipe and eyeing two US government officials sent to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles," asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his material wealth. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The chief nodded that it was so.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that!

A John

02-16-09, 20:36

Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, 158 years ago?

California became a state.

The State had no electricity.

The State had no money.

Almost everyone spoke Spanish.

There were gunfights in the streets.

So basically, it was just like California today; except the
women had real breasts, and the men didn't hold hands.

A John

02-17-09, 17:32

Fireman Sex

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and
told his wife, 'You know, we have a wonderful system at
the fire station:
BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets,
BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole,
BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go

From now on when I say BELL 1
I want you to strip naked.
When I say BELL 2
I want you to jump in bed.
And when I say BELL 3
We are going to make love all night.

The next night he came home from work and yelled BELL 1
The wife promptly took all her clothes off.

When he yelled 'BELL 2,
the wife jumped into bed.

When he yelled 'BELL 3,
they began making love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled 'BELL 4!'
What the hell is BELL 4?' asked the husband?

'ROLL OUT MORE HOSE, she replied 'YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE.'

A John

02-17-09, 23:35

If anyone of you electronic guru's knows how to connect a surround sound DVD/VCR, please let me know. My new neighbor keeps on asking me to help. Here is a photo of what the set-up looks like. Maybe you can help. . . . .! I will keep trying. . . .as long as it takes to figure this thing out ! !

A John

02-17-09, 23:40

Mistress contest

http://www.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/asiapcf/02/17/china.mistress.contest/index.html?iref=mpstoryview

A John

02-18-09, 15:20

Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, teach a person to use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky .. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to Criticism.

Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is Weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought For 2009 :

We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where millions of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of Immigration?

" Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers - What you do today, might Burn Your Ass Tomorrow"

A John

02-19-09, 14:09

Try this it is fun!

IN THIS WORLD THERE ARE outdoors men AND THEN THERE ARE outdoors men

http://www.versuscountrybagamonsterbuck.com/

Muddy Shoes

02-19-09, 16:51

Little Johnny was in his class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up, fireman, policeman, salesman, and so on.

Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet, and so the teacher asked him about his father. “My father’s an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if an offer is really good, he’ll go out to the alley with some guy and have sex with him for money.”

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some coloring, and took little Johnny aside to ask him, “Is that really true about your father?”

“No,” said Johnny, “he’s actually a lawyer, but I was too embarrassed to say so in front of the other kids!”

Muddy Shoes

02-19-09, 16:53

These two guys walk into a bar, and they’ve each got a black eye. The bartender asks the first guy. “What happened to you?”

The guy responds “I had a slight mishap of words with my wife. You see, we were getting plane tickets, and the lady behind the terminal was REALLY good looking. When I accidentally said ‘Two pickets to tits-burg’ instead of ‘Two tickets to Pittsburgh,’ the wife hit me.”

The bartender looks at the second guy and asks. “And you?”

The guy responds “I had a slight mishap of words also. This morning, while I was eating breakfast, I meant to say ‘Please pass the margarine,’ but instead I accidentally said ‘You stupid *****, you ruined my life’…”

Benchseats Rock

02-19-09, 17:32

Try this it is fun!

IN THIS WORLD THERE ARE outdoors men AND THEN THERE ARE outdoors men

http://www.versuscountrybagamonsterbuck.com/

You owe me 2 hours of my life.
Nice link,

Bench

Baltimonger

02-19-09, 21:02

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xbVw7entkxg

Baltimonger

02-19-09, 22:14

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, teach a person to use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

I prefer: "Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day; teach him how to catch fish, and he'll sit in a boat and drink beer all day".

Seva Lurker

02-19-09, 22:59

You owe me 2 hours of my life.
Nice link,

Bench

Two hours you could have been out mongering if I know you. Saved yourself some $$. :D

SgtPerv

02-20-09, 01:16

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:

'Two Prostitutes -- $50.00.'

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign
Or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: 'JESUS SAVES.'

One of the girls asked the officer, 'How come you don't stop them?!'

'Well, that's a little different,' the officer smiled . .'Their sign pertains to religion.'

The following day the same police officer noticed the same two 'ho's driving around with a large sign on their car...

He figured he had an easy arrest until he read their new sign:

'Two Fallen Angels

Seeking Peter -- $50.

Gdlint

02-20-09, 16:21

Two Woodpeckers.

A Mexican w oodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:

Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home

SgtPerv

02-20-09, 19:59

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied.

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and ! rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'

I know,' she said , I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.

A John

02-21-09, 09:48

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas .

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale,

he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife,

Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back

into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different?

It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday,

it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'

Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'

'Nope', she replied.

IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.

Shoulda bought a hat.'

A John

02-21-09, 13:42

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face
and told her mother,
"Little Johnnie showed me his weenie today at the playground!"
Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to
say, "It reminded me of a peanut."
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, "Really
small, was it?"

Sally replied, "No................ Salty."

Little Johnny was in his class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up, fireman, policeman, salesman, and so on.

Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet, and so the teacher asked him about his father. “My father’s an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if an offer is really good, he’ll go out to the alley with some guy and have sex with him for money.”

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some coloring, and took little Johnny aside to ask him, “Is that really true about your father?”

“No,” said Johnny, “he’s actually a lawyer, but I was too embarrassed to say so in front of the other kids!”

A John

02-21-09, 15:33

These are too funny not to share!

Some guy bought a new fridge for
his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his
front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good
home. You want it, you take it.' For three days the
fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at
it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting
of this deal.
It looked too good to be true, so
he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'

The next day someone stole it!

***They walk amongst us!***
---------------------------------------------------------------

*One day I was walking down the
beach with some friends when someone shouted....'Look
at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and
said...'where?'

***They walk among us!!***

---------------------------------------------------------------

While looking at a house, my
brother asked the estate agent which direction was north
because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him
up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the
north?' When my brother explained that the sun rises in
the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said,
'Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff'

***They Walk Among Us!!***
---------------------------------------------------------------

My colleague and I were eating our
lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the
administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got
on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a
convertible, but 'didn't think she'd get
sunburned because the car was moving'.

***They Walk Among Us!!!!***

----------------------------------------------------------------

My sister has a lifesaving tool in
her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she
gets trapped She keeps it in the trunk.

***They Walk Among Us!!!!!***

---------------------------------------------------------------

I was hanging out with a friend
when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring
by a chain. My friend said, 'Wouldn't the chain rip
out every time she turned her head?' I had to explain
that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance
apart no matter which way the head is turned...

***They Walk Among Us!!!!!!! ***

---------------------------------------------------------------

I couldn't find my luggage at
the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage
office and told the woman there that my bags never showed
up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a
trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,'
she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'...
(I work with professionals like this.)

***They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!!***

-----------------------------------------------------------

While working at a pizza parlour I
observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to
be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into
4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before
responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't
think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.

***Yep, They Walk Among Us, too.!!!!!!!!

Sadly, not only do they walk among us, they also reproduce !!!!

A John

02-21-09, 18:24

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was
recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were
beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was
fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the
mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for
the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just
imagine the yawns from the little princesses). To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers .... and then there are educators.

A John

02-21-09, 18:37

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the

Director how do you determine
whether or not a patient should be
institutionalized.

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill a bathtub
with water. Then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient
and ask him or her to empty the
bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' I said. 'A normal person
would use the bucket because it's
bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would
pull the plug. Do you want a bed
near the window?'

Mechanic69

02-21-09, 23:55

Gdlint

02-22-09, 16:37

An Older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special'

At that statement the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it. '

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon' he said.

Monday morning the jeweler phoned the old man. 'There's no money in that account. '

'I know said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!

All Seniors Aren't Senile.

A John

02-22-09, 17:14

BREAKFAST AT DENNY'S

In honor of the mother of the octuplets, Denny's is offering a new breakfast special:
You get fourteen eggs, no sausage and the guy next to you has to pay the bill.

Gdlint

02-22-09, 18:25

A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells him, "I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can't solve. "

Three months down the track there is a major drama, everything goes wrong. The usual stuff. And the manager feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope. The message inside says "Blame your predecessor! " He does this and gets off the hook.

About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. The manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize! " This he does, and the company quickly rebounds.

Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The message inside says "Prepare three envelopes".

A John

02-23-09, 10:16

This one makes a lot of sense to me!!!

When a company falls on difficult times, one of the things that seems to happen is they reduce their staff and workers. The remaining workers need to find ways to continue to do a good job or risk that their job would be eliminated as well. Wall street, and the media normally congratulate the CEO for making this type of "tough decision", and his board of directors gives him a big bonus.

Our government should not be immune from similar risks.

Therefore:
Reduce the House of Representatives from the current 435 members to 218 members and Senate members from 100 to 50 (one per S tate). Also reduce remaining staff by 25%.Accomplish this over the next 8 years. (two steps / two elections) and of course this would require some redistricting.

Some Yearly Monetary Gains Include:

$44,108,400 for elimination of base pay for congress. (267 members X $165,200 pay / member / yr.)

$97,175,000 for elimination of the above people's staff. (estimate $1.3 Million in staff per each member of the House, and $3 Million in staff per each member of the Senate every year).

$240,294 for the reduction in remaining staff by 5%.

$7,500,000,000 reduction in pork barrel ear-marks each year. (those members whose jobs are gone. Current estimates for total government pork earmarks are at $15 Billion/yr)

The remaining representatives would need to work smarter and would need to improve efficiencies. It might even be in their best interests to work together for the good of our country?

We may also expect that smaller committees might lead to a more efficient resolution of issues as well. It might even be easier to keep track of what your representative is doing.

Congress has more tools available to do their jobs than it had back in 1911 when the current number of representatives was established (telephone, computers, cell phones to name a few).

Note:
Congress did not hesitate to head home when it was a holiday, when the nation needed a real fix to the economic problems. Also, we have quite a collection of senators (and even a governor) that have not been doing their jobs for most or all of the past 18+ months (on the campaign trail) and still they all have been accepting full pay. These facts, alone, support a reduction in senators & congress.

Summary of opportunity:

$ 44,108,400 reduction of congress members.

$282,100,000 for elimination of the reduced house member staff.

$150,000,000 for elimination of reduced senate member staff.

$59,675,000 for 25% reduction of staff for remaining house members.

$37,500,000 for 25% reduction of staff for remaining senate members.

$7,500,000,000 reduction in pork added to bills by the reduction of congress members.
$8,073,383,400 per year, estimated total savings. (that's 8-BILLION just to start!)

Big business does these types of cuts all the time.

If Congresspersons were required to serve 20, 2520 or 30 years (like everyone else) in order to collect retirement benefits there is no telling how much we would save. Now they get full retirement after serving only ONE term.

IF you are happy how the Congress spends our taxes, then just sit and be part of the problem! If you are NOT at all happy, then I assume you know what to do (((copy & paste))).

A John

02-23-09, 10:38

Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers.

They include:

Bobby Darin ---
Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.

Herman's Hermits ---
Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker .

Ringo Starr ---
I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.

The Bee Gees -- -
How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.

Roberta Flack---
The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.

Johnny Nash ---
I Can't See Clearly Now.

Paul Simon---
Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

The Commodores ---
Once, Twice , Three Times to the Bathroom.

Marvin Gaye ---
Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.

Procol Harem---
A Whiter Shade of Hair.

Leo Sayer ---
You Make Me Feel Like Napping.

The Temptations ---
Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.

Abba---
Denture Queen.

Tony Orlando ---
Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.

Helen Reddy ---

I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.

Leslie Gore ---

It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To.

And Last but NOT least

Willie Nelson ---

On the Commode Again

LordBlackAdder

02-23-09, 15:14

Shortly after class, an economics student approaches his economics professor and says, "I don't understand this stimulus bill. Can you explain it to me?"

The professor replied, "I don't have any time to explain it at my office, but if you come over to my house on Saturday and help me with my weekend project, I'll be glad to explain it to you." The student agreed.

At the agreed-upon time, the student showed up at the professor's house.The professor stated that the weekend project involved his backyard pool.

They both went out back to the pool, and the professor handed the student a bucket.Demonstrating with his own bucket, the professor said, "First, go over to the deep end, and fill your bucket with as much water as you can." The student did as he was instructed.

The professor then continued, "Follow me over to the shallow end, and then dump all the water from your bucket into it." The student was naturally confused, but did as he was told.

The professor then explained they were going to do this many more times, and began walking back to the deep end of the pool.

The confused student asked, "Excuse me, but why are we doing this? The professor matter-of-factly stated that he was trying to make the shallow end much deeper.

The student didn't think the economics professor was serious, but figured that he would find out the real story soon enough.

However, after the 6th trip between the shallow end and the deep end, the student began to become worried that his economics professor had gone mad.

The student finally replied, "All we're doing is wasting valuable time and effort on unproductive pursuits.Even worse, when this process is all over, everything will be at the same level it was before, so all you'll really have accomplished is the destruction of what could have been truly productive action!"

The professor put down his bucket and replied with a smile, "Congratulations.You now understand the stimulus bill."

Ray the Hunter

02-23-09, 15:15

"Journalism"

A young man graduated from University of Arkansas
with a degree in journalism. His first assignment for
the newspaper who hired him was to write a human-
interest story. Being from Arkansas, he went back to
the country to do his research.

He went to an old farmer's house way back in the hills,
introduced himself to the farmer and proceeded to
explain to him why he was there. The young man
asked, "Has anything ever happened around here
that made you happy?"

The farmer thought for a minute and said, "Yep! One
time one of my neighbor's sheep got lost. We formed
a posse and found it. We all screwed it and took it back
home."

"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you
think of anything else that happened that made you or
a lot of other people happy?"

After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time
my neighbor's daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. We
formed a big posse that time and found her. After we all
screwed her, we took her back home."

Again, the young man said, "I cannot print that either.
Has anything ever happened around here that made
you sad?"

The old farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed
and after a few seconds looked up timidly at the young
man and said, "Well, I got lost once ..."

A John

02-23-09, 18:47

Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little over 60 years ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell , New Mexico. This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and organizations.

However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April 1948, nine months after that historic day, the following people were born:
Albert A. Gore, Jr.
Hillary Rodham
John F. Kerry
William J. Clinton
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara Boxer
See what happens when aliens breed with sheep? I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you. It did for me. No wonder they support the bill to help illegal aliens! Now you know.

A John

02-23-09, 18:49

A Cajun walks into a bar with
a pet alligator by his side.

He puts the alligator up on the bar.
He turns to the astonished patrons.

'I'll make you a deal. I'll open
this alligator's mouth and
place my manhood inside.

Then, the gator will close
his mouth for one minute.

Then, he'll open his mouth and I'll
remove my unit unscathed. In return
for witnessing this spectacle, each of
you will buy me a drink.'

The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped
his trousers, and placed his Johnson
and related parts in the alligator's open
mouth. The gator closed his mouth as
the crowd gasped. After a minute,
the man grabbed a beer bottle and
smacked the alligator hard on the top
of its head.

The gator opened his mouth and the man
removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered, and the first of his free
drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A blonde woman timidly spoke up..........
'I'll try it. Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!'

A John

02-23-09, 22:28

Young Jake in Montana bought a horse from a farmer for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son,

but I have some bad news... the horse died."

Jake replied, "Well, then just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Jake said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

Jake said, "I'm going to raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead horse!"

Jake said, "Sure I can, Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later, the farmer met up with Jake and asked,

"What happened with that dead horse?"

Jake said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece
and made a profit of $998."

The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"
Jake said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
Jake grew up and now works for the government. He's the one who

figured out how this "bail-out" is going to work.

A John

02-23-09, 22:30

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine..........
As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health.
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service .

Hell On Wls

02-23-09, 23:19

Even if you don't own a dog at present, you'll appreciate the efforts of this owner to sell her dog. Read the sales pitch!

*Dog For Sale

* Free to good home

* Excellent guard dog.

* Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, as there are no more thieves, murderers, or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat.

* Most of them knew him as Holy Shit.

A John

02-24-09, 12:50

If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?

--------------------------------------------------------

Can you cry under water?

---------------------------------------------------

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

------------------------------------------------------

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

-------------------------------------------------

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

----------------------------------------------------------

Why does a round pizza come in a square box ?

--------------------------------------------------------

What disease did cured ham actually have?

------------------------------------------------------

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

-----------------------------------------------------------

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby " when babies wake up like every two hours?

----------------------------------------------------

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

---------------------------------------------------

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

---------------------------------------------------

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?

They're going to see you naked anyway.

----------------------------------------------

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

--------------------------------------------

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat ?

-------------------------------------------------------

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

--------------------------------------------------------

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?

----------------------------------------------------

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

---------------------------------------------------

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?

They're both dogs!

------------------------------------------------

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

--------------------------------------------------------

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

---------------------------------------------------------

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

-----------------------------------------------------------

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

----------------------------------------------------

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

-------------------------------------------------

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?

------------------------------------------------------------

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Mister Quick

02-24-09, 13:43

----------------------------------------------------

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

---------------------------------------------------That's an easy one.

If the hole in the boat gets fixed then everyone leaves the island. If it is not fixed the Professor is stuck there with Mary Ann and Ginger and his only competition is Skipper and Gilligan. So suddenly he is a very good catch.

Seva Lurker

02-24-09, 15:10

Young Jake in Montana bought a horse from a farmer for $100.
.
.
.

"What happened with that dead horse?"

Jake said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece
and made a profit of $998."

Jake grew up and now works for the government. He's the one who

figured out how this "bail-out" is going to work.

And with math like that we know the bail-out will work beautifully. :D

Jack's profit should have been $898, or maybe a bit less because he had to buy a roll of tickets to sell for the raffle.

Costs:
1 roll of tickets, say $3.00 at Wally World. 3.00
1 dead horse $100.00 100.00
1 refund on ticket to complaining winner. 2.00
Total costs $105.00

Ticket sales
500 tickets @ $2.00/ticket $1000.00

Net profit $895.00
Jack's calculated profit $998.00

Jack's computed error $103.00
(one dead horse and one roll of tickets).

Prior to figuring out the bail-out, Jack must have been responsible for balancing the budget.

A John

02-24-09, 16:31

Lucky Man Marries Thai Twins!
(Translated from the Thai Rath Newspaper)

After Mr Wichai (Tao), aged 24, from Samut Songkram province, who earns his living by dealing in old goods, got married to gorgeous twins Ms Sirintara and Ms Thipawan 22, he vouched his sincerest 'equal love' for both of them!

Mr Wichai, just yesterday, got married in a pompous ceremony to both twins simultaneously.

On being interviewed by the Thai Rath reporters, Mr Wichai declared wholeheartedly, that he didn't see much problem in having to perform tiresome marital duties with two wives.

In the engagement ceremony before the wedding, Mr Wichai successfully offered a dowry of eight baht of gold and 80,000 baht EACH for his lovely darlings.

Both families celebrated the marriage with joy and were said to be delighted for the threesome.

Mr Wichai told the press that he had been best of friends with his neighbouring twins since they were children.

'When I grew older, I would walk past their house each morning and try to decide for myself which one I fancied more, but it was darned impossible - I adored BOTH of them - I just couldn't decide, which one of them to chat up....!'
He went on to say, 'For three continuous years all three of us would go on dates together, until there was one day when I couldn't stand the frustration any longer and told them, 'I love you and want to marry you BOTH''

The fortunate Mr Wichai, instead of getting a slap in the face, was overjoyed when both girls admitted to having sworn all along that they wished to marry the same man!

'It wasn't easy at first, what with the neighbours gossiping, but our family sympathized, understood, and fully supported our mutual love for the one man' the twins said.

Mr Wichai arranged for his brides to live with him, in his family house after the wedding, and his mother has already proudly prepared TWO rooms for the newly-weds.

Our reporters were just gagging to hear the response to this mouth-watering question:-
'And.... what are the sleeping arrangements Mr Wichai'? to which he replied modestly with a beaming smile.

'Absolutely no problems! For the first three nights of the week, I will sleep with Ms Thipawan and the next three will be spent with Ms Sirintara. As for every Saturday, the three of us will sleep together'

Ms Sirintara finally told the press, 'When my twin and I worked as assistant nurses, we promised each other that we would never leave each other's side, and that our future husband would have to either take us both, or leave us.'

Snow Plow

02-24-09, 20:42

Wolfgang

02-25-09, 09:02

Steveab

02-25-09, 11:36

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?

Following that reasoning proctologists should be called astronauts

A John

02-25-09, 12:25

MQ,

I like the way you think.

lol
AJ

That's an easy one.

If the hole in the boat gets fixed then everyone leaves the island. If it is not fixed the Professor is stuck there with Mary Ann and Ginger and his only competition is Skipper and Gilligan. So suddenly he is a very good catch.

A John

02-25-09, 16:06

After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, 'Honey, 44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 24 year old girl.

Now I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things.'

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 24 year old girl, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve a mid-life crisis...

A John

02-25-09, 16:08

I was shopping at the local Super market where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. package of bacon.

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single.

I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: 'Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'

A John

02-25-09, 16:08

The commanding officer of a regiment in the U. S. Marine Corps was
about to start the morning briefing to his staff, battalion and
company commanders.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the
colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and
he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.
He posed the question of just how much of sex was work, and how much
of it was pleasure?
The regimental executive officer chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.
A captain said it was 50-50%.
The colonel's aide responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure,
depending on his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the private who was in
charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, 'Sir, it has to be
100% pleasure.'
The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?
'Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me
doing it for them.'
The room fell silent.

Member #4064

02-25-09, 19:22

Why does the executioner administering a dose of lethal injection, swab the area with alcohol prior to inoculating the condemned?

Why is it illegal to commit suicide? Who is going to post your bond? If you don't post bond who is going to drag your dead ass to jail? How are you going to plea? no contest

What happens if they sentence you to life? Are you reincarnated?

A John

02-26-09, 07:29

Tennessee
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an
invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some
mathematical help. He called her into his office and said,
'You graduated from the University of Tennessee and
I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%,
how much would you take off?'

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied,
'Everything but my earrings.'

Alabama
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired
off in twoÊ¼s for the day. That night, one of the hunters
returned alone, staggering under the weight of an
eight-point buck. 'Where's Henry?' the others
asked.

'Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of
miles back up the trail,' the successful hunter replied.

'You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer
back?' they inquired.

'A tough call,' nodded the hunter. 'But I
figured no one is going to steal Henry!'

Texas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out
of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, 'Why
are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that
sign right over your head'. 'Yep', he replied.
'That's why I dumpin it here, cause it says
'Fine For Dumping Garbage'.

Louisiana
A senior at LSU was overheard saying... 'When the end
of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana .' When
asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana
because ev erything happens in Louisiana 20 years later
than in the rest of the civilized world.

Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the
store and said to his buddy, 'Bubba, somebody just stole
your pickup truck from the parking lot!'

Bubba replied, 'Did you see who it was?'

The young man answered, 'I couldn't tell, but I got
his license number.'

Georgia
A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I- 75.
The trooper asked, 'Got any I.D. ?'

The driver replied, 'Bout whut?'

North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on
the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of
flowers in front of the car and one behind it.

Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the
scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and
went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was..

The man replied, 'I have a flat tire.'

The passerby asked, 'But what's with the
flowers?'

The man responded, 'When you break down they tell you
to put flares in the front and flares in the back. Hey, it
don't make no sense to me neither..'

South Carolina
'You can say what you want about the South, but I
ain't never heard of anyone wanting to retire to the
North

A John

02-26-09, 20:41

Banned Ikea commercials...............

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bdJ1Hj9pQ78

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kI0lKdZBc64&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=isjrGmFapS4&feature=related

A John

02-26-09, 20:47

Just 3 words..............

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a4vyrp2btgs

A John

02-26-09, 20:56

Relay Racexxx......................

http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=1946relay.wmv

Hell On Wls

02-27-09, 13:55

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.

'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'
'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

A John

02-27-09, 21:22

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Bob, Tom and Debbie.

They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Debbie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.

She felt having sex with both Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.

It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Bob and Tom's resistan ce to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.

Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.

So they buried Debbie.

Gdlint

02-27-09, 22:24

Ollie & The Hooker:

Ollie was walking home late at night, through the park, and sees a woman in the shadows.

"You can have me for Twenty dollars, " she whispers.

He's never been with a hooker before, so he figures, "What the hell, it's only twenty bucks. "

So they hide in the bushes and are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them.

It's a police officer.

"What's going on here people? " asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my wife, " Ollie answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry" says the cop. "I didn't know. "

"Well, " Ollie says, "I didn't either until you flashed that damn light in her face."

A John

02-28-09, 10:24

A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now... it's too late!

A John

02-28-09, 11:52

My New Philosophy IN MY NEW SONG!

http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=MyNewPhilosophy.wmv

Gdlint

02-28-09, 12:05

His request approved, the Fox News photographer quickly used his cell phone to charter a flight. He was told a twin engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, "Let's go! " The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, "Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides. "

"Why? "asked the pilot.

"Because I'm the photographer for Fox Cable News, " he responded, "and I need to get some really good close up shots! "

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, "So, what you're telling me, . Is you are NOT my flight instructor?"

Hell On Wls

02-28-09, 18:44

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it then slammed it shut & stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again.

Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong? " To which she replied, "There certainly is! "

My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"

Hell On Wls

02-28-09, 18:49

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer !!!

March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....
Box said "2-4 years!"

April
Trapped on escalator for hours .... Power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of
Water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition......learned later,
The other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm....
Car swamped because soft-top was open.

September
The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October
Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days ... Instructions said 1 hour
Per pound and I weigh 108!!

December
Couldn't call 911 .... "duh".....there's no "eleven"
Button on the stupid phone!!!

A John

02-28-09, 22:11

CEO – Chief Embezzlement Officer

CFO - Corporate Fraud Officer

BULL MARKET– A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius

BEAR MARKET– a 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING– The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO– The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER – What my financial planner has made me.

STANDARD & POOR– Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST– Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT– When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

MARKET CORRECTION– The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW– The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO – What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS– What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo at $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR– Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT – an archaic word no longer in use.

A John

03-01-09, 13:18

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
--Tom Clancy

"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
--Steve Martin

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
--Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
--Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
--Lynn Lavner

"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist."
--Matt Barry

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
--George Burns

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
--George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
--Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex ---no matter what she's reading."
--Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-*****."
--Jack Nicholson

" Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
--Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady -- and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
--Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
--Roseanne

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
--Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
--Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
--Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
--Jerry Seinfeld

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
--Rod Stewart

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
--Robin Williams

A John

03-01-09, 22:11

hooters calendar

http://soamc.org/hooters/

Benchseats Rock

03-01-09, 22:29

hooters calendar

http://soamc.org/hooters/

Not funny Ajohn, not funny at all. :)

Bench

A John

03-01-09, 22:53

Come on Bench you know you smiled! :o lol

Not funny Ajohn, not funny at all. :)

Bench

SgtPerv

03-02-09, 06:20

Just like a woman to tease you.

http://thetube.watchersweb.com/thetube/video/2779/asshole-wife

Gdlint

03-02-09, 11:41

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.

'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'

So he tied her up and went golfing.

A John

03-02-09, 18:21

"BAIL EM OUT! ????

Hell, back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it. They failed and it closed. Now we are trusting the economy of our country and our banking system to the same nit-wits who couldn't make money running a ***** house and selling whiskey!"

Hell On Wls

03-02-09, 21:10

"BAIL EM OUT!

Hell, back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it. They failed and it closed. Now we are trusting the economy of our country and our banking system to the same nit-wits who couldn't make money running a ***** house and selling whiskey!"And you did not see six thousand names in the news paper! Conforte [(Sp.) owner of Mustang Ranch] could run for run for President and give back taxes instead of paying them! Ah Those were the days! HH

Markvi

03-02-09, 21:20

Just like a woman to tease you.

http://thetube.watchersweb.com/thetube/video/2779/asshole-wife
I would say, with his attitude he deserved it.

SgtPerv

03-03-09, 01:47

Almost too good to be true:

Send 'em Up!

In addition to communicating with the local Air Traffic Control facility, all aircraft in the Persian Gulf AOR are required to give the Iranian Air Defense Radar (military) a ten minute 'heads up' if they will be transiting Iranian airspace.

This is a common procedure for commercial aircraft and involves giving them your call sign, transponder code, type of aircraft, and points of origin and destination.

I just flew with a guy who overheard this conversation on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai . It's too good not to pass along.

The conversation went like this...

Iranian Air Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'

Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'

Air Defense Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'

Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait!'

Air Defense Radar: (no response ... total silence)

A John

03-03-09, 22:52

HALLOWEEN CAN BE FUN

http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=My_Next_Holloween_Costume.wmv

Gdlint

03-03-09, 23:42

http://www.metacafe.com/watch/2485974/erectile_disfunction_the_commercial_you_never_saw/

A John

03-04-09, 11:04

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in
Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The
Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no
woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly
pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican
woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican
woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely
'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could
do it and accepted the challenge.

The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker
successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree
almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that
the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree,
and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian
tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own
country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same
conclusion:

Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away
from home.

Gdlint

03-04-09, 17:11

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, older retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history Here's your equipment.- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first? "

The girl says, "I'll go first. "

She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor.

He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life. " He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that? "

The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that God damn lion out of the way. "

Gdlint

03-04-09, 17:19

You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... You need to fart.

The music on the bus is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After A couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.

As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and looking really angry that's when you remember: you've been listening to your ipod.

A John

03-04-09, 17:34

PENIS on the mind.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rSGOGAOiiJQ

Baldy Cruiser

03-04-09, 21:12

How do you know when your wife has a big pussy?? http://www.jizzhut.com/videos/guy-shoves-his-head-up-a-loose-pussy-114031.html

A John

03-05-09, 08:35

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big penis or a
good memory.. I don't remember what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings....'

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive
to men - 'don't' and 'stop',
(unless they are used together.)

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and
. ..Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured!

9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner,
....you'd better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small..

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss,
....only down under.

14. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.

15. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

16. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed',
many men still sleep with their wives!!

A John

03-05-09, 13:21

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said,
'Here's to spending the
rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!'
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best
toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won
the prize for the Best
toast of the night.'
She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your
toast?'
John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of
me life, sitting in
church beside me wife.'
'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary
said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's
drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won
the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'
She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You
know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'

A John

03-05-09, 13:26

We all need some Carmel dip

http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=caramel_dip.wmv

Gdlint

03-05-09, 19:53

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm.

This means something, and you should be on your toes.

Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.

Gdlint

03-06-09, 15:16

There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, and to alleviate further confusion, the following definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar , slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

Pumphusk

03-06-09, 16:30

Just reminding you guys ----- this Saturday night, at 2 am, to put your cock forward exactly ONE *****...

A John

03-06-09, 18:56

SAFE! and obviously not unique............

http://www.thebody.com********AIDS/SafeSex/Current/Q196439.html

Baltimonger

03-06-09, 21:19

Obscure AC/DC song:

This is an actual AC/DC song from the Bon Scott era.
http://thejoint.98online.com/_Crabsody-in-Blue/audio/360812/13306.html

Gdlint

03-07-09, 16:24

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, 'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible. ' 'What do you mean? ' said the pirate, 'I feel fine. '

Bartender says, 'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before. ' Pirate says, 'Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now. ’

Bartender says, 'Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand? '

Pirate says, 'I was in another fight. When I boarded the other ship my hand was cut off in a sword fight. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really. '

Bartender says, 'What about that eye patch? '

Pirate says, 'Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them crapped right in my eye. '

'You're kidding, ' said the bartender, 'you lost an eye just from bird crap. '?

Pirate says, 'It was my first day with the hook.'

A John

03-07-09, 19:25

Why Men Wear Earrings

Looks like I may have been wrong about this issue, I always
thought it was because they have latent homosexual tendencies.

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker
is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a
normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden
change in 'fashion sense.'

The man walks up to him and says, 'I didn't know you were into
earrings.' 'Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring,' he
replies sheepishly. His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but
then his curiosity prods him to say, 'So, how long have you
been wearing one?'

'Ever since my wife found it in my truck'
(I always wondered how this trend got started)

NOW WE KNOW!!!

A John

03-08-09, 18:44

Meat lovers Pizza

http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=MeatloversPizza.mpg

Hell On Wls

03-08-09, 19:41

After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

'What's that big brass gong? ' one of the guests asked. 'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock, ' the drunk replied.

'A talking clock? Seriously? ' asked his astonished friend. 'Yup, ' replied the drunk. 'How's it work? ' the friend asked, squinting at it.

'Watch, ' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You asshole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!

Baltimonger

03-08-09, 19:45

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xK1XOwrj-vI

Benchseats Rock

03-08-09, 19:50

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xK1XOwrj-vI

Golf clap.
Well done sir, well done indeed.

Bench

LordBlackAdder

03-09-09, 13:04

The Financial Crisis Explained In Simple Terms

Heidi is the proprietor of a bar in Berlin. In order to increase sales, she decides to allow her loyal customers - most of whom are unemployed alcoholics - to drink now but pay later. She keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans).

Word gets around and as a result increasing numbers of customers flood Into Heidi's bar.

Taking advantage of her customers' freedom from immediate payment constraints, Heidi increases her prices for wine and beer, the most-consumed beverages. Her sales volume increases massively.

A young and dynamic customer service consultant at the local bank recognizes these customer debts as valuable future assets and increases Heidi's borrowing limit.

He sees no reason for undue concern since he has the debts of the alcoholics as collateral.

At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert bankers transform these customer assets into DRINKBONDS, ALKBONDS and PUKEBONDS. These securities are then traded on markets worldwide. No one really understands what these abbreviations mean and how the securities are guaranteed.

Nevertheless, as their prices continuously climb, the securities become top-selling items.

One day, although the prices are still climbing, a risk manager (subsequently of course fired due his negativity) of the bank decides that slowly the time has come to demand payment of the debts incurred by the drinkers at Heidi's bar.

However they cannot pay back the debts..

Heidi cannot fulfill her loan obligations and claims bankruptcy.

DRINKBOND and ALKBOND drop in price by 95 %. PUKEBOND performs better, stabilizing in price after dropping by 80 %.

The suppliers of Heidi's bar, having granted her generous payment due dates and having invested in the securities are faced with a new situation.

Her wine supplier claims bankruptcy, her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor.

The bank is saved by the Government following dramatic round-the-clock consultations by leaders from the governing political parties.

The funds required for this purpose are obtained by a tax levied on the non-drinkers.

LordBlackAdder

03-09-09, 13:05

The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the building standing. Its called the stock market.

Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Streetis now being calledWal-MartStreet.

The difference between a pigeon and aninvestment banker. The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW

What's the difference between a guy who lost everything inLas Vegasand an investment banker? A tie!

The problem withinvestment bank balancesheet is that on the left side nothing's right and on the right side nothing's left.

Warning to the people from Nigeria. if you get any emails from Washington asking for money, it's a scam. Don't fall for it

What worries me most about the credit crunch, is that if one of my checks is returned stamped 'insufficient funds'. I won't know whether that refers to mine or the bank's

Ezenuf

03-09-09, 19:55

I must say, that is the closest I heard anyone, anywhere explain this!

Good work!

A John

03-09-09, 22:15

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's
office why you are there, and you have to answer
in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is
embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist
who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room
full of other patients. I know most of us have
experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room
and approached the desk.... The Receptionist said,
'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You
shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and
say things like that.'
Why not? You asked me what was wrong and
I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused
some mbarrassment in this room full of people. You should
have said there is something wrong with your ear or
something and discussed the problem further wth the
Doctor ?in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions
in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass
anyone.'
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then
re-entered..
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear", he stated
The Receptionst nodded approvingly and smiled,
knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with
your ear, Sir??'

'I can't piss out of it," he replied
The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Mess with seniors?
You're going to lose!

A John

03-09-09, 22:19

A 10 year old boy was walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He walked up to a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money and I'm not leaving until I do." The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in.

Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course, the Madam said no, but the boy replied, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber. So THAT'S the girl I want!"

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a
disease, instead of one of the others?"

"He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my babysitter. After they leave, my babysitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of little boys. She will get the disease that I just caught."

He continued "When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the babysitter home. On the way, he'll jump her bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the babysitters, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease. and HE'S the son-of-a-***** who ran over my FROG!"

Member #4434

03-10-09, 20:22

Cat Lover or Not, this is Hysterical !!!

We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.

Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."

"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"

"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"

There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour as extremely cowardly.

Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome.. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.
The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.

Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter.......and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.

"What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"

If they only knew!

Why is it that only the women laugh at this?

A John

03-10-09, 21:41

HOW I LOST MY MARBLES.............

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GdYkmNZQ1k4

A John

03-11-09, 18:02

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have

one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk

driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up

the owner...

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic

bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs

away to his car and calls for back up. Within

minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior

officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his

half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your

vehicle please! The woman steps out of her

vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you

have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk

of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing

but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration

papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do

not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out

a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license... He looks quite

puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers

told me you didn't have a license, that you stole

this car, and that you murdered and hacked up

the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was

speeding, too!!!!

A John

03-11-09, 19:40

Hey There.........

Movie22.wmv

http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=Movie22.wmv

Hell On Wls

03-12-09, 01:54

'Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm;
Life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more
than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job
that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

Common Sense declined even further when schools were required to get
parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and
criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a
beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home
and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to
realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his
wife, Discretion, his daughter, Responsibility and his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;

I Know My Rights

I Want It Now

Someone Else Is To Blame

I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you
still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

R Consultant

03-12-09, 05:22

"Classic 'Little Johnny' Valentine Story"

Little Johnny comes home from first grade and tells
His father that they learned about the history of
Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's day is for a
Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will
G~d get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"

Little Johnny's father thinks a bit, then says "No,
I don't think G~d would get mad. Who do you
Want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," little Johnny says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden?!?" his father asks in shock.

"Well," little Johnny says, "I thought that if an American
Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a
Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not
All so bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.
And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines
To Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd
Start going all over the place to tell everyone how
Much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone
Anymore."

His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with
Newfound pride.

"Johnny, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever
Heard."

"I know," little Johnny says, "and once that gets him out
In the open, the Marines could blow his effin' head off."

A John

03-13-09, 10:37

This
is absolutely hilarious, but the scary part about it is that it's probably
not too far away from being reality.

Want
to know how to order a pizza in 2010? Click the link and
see.

Turn
up the volume, listen closely and watch the pointer! Click on
address below:

http://aclu.org/pizza/images/screen.swf

SgtPerv

03-13-09, 18:13

David Letterman may not get any flak from NASCAR, but I'll bet he does get some 'flak' from the NAACP, and others such as Al Sharpton and the Rev. Jackson will absolutely go nuts !!!

David Letterman's Top 10 reasons why there are no black NASCAR drivers:

# 10 - Have to sit upright while driving.

# 9 - Pistol won't stay under front seat.

# 8 - Engine noise drowns out the rap music.

# 7 - Pit crew can 't work on car while holding up pants at the same time.

# 6 - They keep trying to carjack Dale Earnhardt Jr.

# 5 - Police cars on track interfere with race.

# 4 - No passenger seat for the Ho.

# 3 - No Cadillacs approved for competition.

# 2 - When they crash their cars, they bail out & run..

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY BLACKS CAN'T BE IN NASCAR...

# 1 - They Can't wear their helmets sideways.

A John

03-13-09, 20:45

Octomom Birth Video

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bxtgLzi-aK0

A John

03-13-09, 23:05

Smart Ass Answer #5:
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate
to check tickets. A man approached, she extended her hand
for the ticket, and instead he opened his trench coat and
flashed her. Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir,
I need to see your ticket not your stub."

Smart Ass Answer #4:
A lady was shopping for a turkey at the grocery store,
but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She
asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any
bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am
they're dead."

Smart Ass Answer #3:
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped
for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been
waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid
replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I
could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent
the kid on his way without a ticket.

Smart Ass Answer #2:
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign
comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he
knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck
under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a
police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks
up to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says,
"Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No,
I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

AND NOW........FOR THE..........BEST ONE..

#1 SMART ASS ANSWER
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's
final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any
excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a
nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a
death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other
excuses whatsoever!" A smart ass guy in the back of the
room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if
tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter
sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to
laughter and snickering. When silence is finally restored,
the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head
and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write
the exam with your other hand.

Amuzeme

03-14-09, 02:48

This was never a David Letterman Top Ten List

http://www.snopes.com/racial/humor/nascar.asp

David Letterman may not get any flak from NASCAR, but I'll bet he does get some 'flak' from the NAACP, and others such as Al Sharpton and the Rev. Jackson will absolutely go nuts !!!

David Letterman's Top 10 reasons why there are no black NASCAR drivers:

# 10 - Have to sit upright while driving.

# 9 - Pistol won't stay under front seat.

# 8 - Engine noise drowns out the rap music.

# 7 - Pit crew can't work on car while holding up pants at the same time.

# 6 - They keep trying to carjack Dale Earnhardt Jr.

# 5 - Police cars on track interfere with race.

# 4 - No passenger seat for the Ho.

# 3 - No Cadillacs approved for competition.

# 2 - When they crash their cars, they bail out & run..

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY BLACKS CAN'T BE IN NASCAR...

# 1 - They Can't wear their helmets sideways.

SgtPerv

03-14-09, 07:41

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful, (you guessed it), blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, 'It's golf balls'.

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked;

'Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?'

SgtPerv

03-15-09, 21:19

A little old guy is walking around in a supermarket calling out, Crisco,
Crissssssscoooo!'

Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, 'Sir, the Crisco is in aisle 3.'

The old guy replies, 'Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my wife. She's in here somewhere'

The clerk is astonished.

'Your wife's name is Crisco?'

The old guy answers, 'Oh no, no, no. I only call her that when we're out in public.'

'I see,' said the clerk.

'What do you call her at home?'

'Lard ass.'

A John

03-15-09, 21:30

Why guys shop at Canadian Tire

http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=Hulp.wmv

A John

03-16-09, 22:35

Muff Diving - Robin Williams

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t63W-SFqCpA

LordBlackAdder

03-17-09, 22:20

With the economy going downhill, or at least they keep saying it is, many of you may be forced to or decide to save some money by joing the DIY crowd and not hire the profesionals. Of course by doing so you make things worse for said profesionals, but I digress. For those new to DIY, here are some definitions of some of the tools you may need to use. If all else fails remember there is a proper tool for every job and that tool is a hammer, whihc I'll use as the first tool in the list.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh shit '

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

VISE-GRIPS: A specialised type of pliers generally put into use after regular pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

NOTE THAT APPLIES TO ALL CUTTING TOOLS. Not mentioned in the instructions but you really do need to know. If you cut something and it is too short, and then you cut it again it will still be too short.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in
use.

DAMN-IT TOOL: A generic term applied to the nearest tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMM-IT' at the top of your lungs. When something goes wrong. Random chance also operates in its favour to be the next tool that you will need.

DearHunter

03-18-09, 20:26

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.
The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting
on a park bench.

Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the
middle had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble
interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual
emasculation of black men in a predominately white, patriarchal society.
'In fact, 'he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink
penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by
gay men in contemporary society.'

After the curator left, an Irishman, approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?' asked the couple.

'Because I'm the guy who painted it,' he replied. 'In fact, there are no
black men depicted at all.. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.

A John

03-18-09, 21:09

An Arabic family was considering putting their grandfather (Abdullah) in a nursing home. All the Arabic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in an Italian home.

After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa:

'How do you like it here?' asks the grandson.

'It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful, says grandpa.

'We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you.You know, since you are a little different from everyone.

''Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents, Abdullah says with a big smile.

'There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!

'There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!

''There's a dentist here -- 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him Doctor?!

'And me -- I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The Fucking Arab'

A John

03-19-09, 14:46

I was confused when I heard the word 'service' used in conjunction with these agencies.

Internal Revenue Service
U.S. Postal Service
Telephone Service
Cable TV Service
Civil Service
State, City, County & Public Service
Customer Service

This is NOT what I thought the word, 'service', meant.

But today, I overheard two ranchers talking and one of them said he had bought a bull to 'service' his cows.

And BAM!!! It all came into focus!

A John

03-20-09, 15:25

Today is Friday So That's Why You're Getting This One !!

http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=other&file=4397Friday.pps

Baltimonger

03-20-09, 18:02

Northsideman

03-21-09, 01:32

Recently I saw a Mercedes Benz in traffic with a vanity plate that spelled "DIGITS". A forum member????

Northsideman

03-21-09, 01:35

For brevity Frank Sinatra is abreviated as "FS" on Sinatra websites. Recently I was in a Sinatra chat room and mentioned that FS also stands for full service, and I explained what that is. That got some laughs!

Drew Park

03-21-09, 15:20

LEXINGTON PARK, Md. (WUSA) - A Southern Maryland woman was seriously injured in a mishap involving a sex toy over the weekend. The case was first reported on TheBayNet.com, and Saint Mary's county public safety sources confirmed the information to 9NEWS NOW.

The accident was reported to local fire and rescue personnel about 1:30 a.m. on March 7, from an address on Rogers Drive. The man who made the 911 call said he had placed a sex toy over a saber saw blade, and then used the power tool on his partner, but the blade cut through the plastic and injured the woman.

The victim, a 27-year-old woman, was reportedly injured and bleeding. She was later flown to Prince George's hospital center by Maryland State Police helicopter.

On Wednesday, Saint Mary's County Sheriffs released an update on their investigation. Detectives conducted an investigation which determined the injury was a result of a consensual act between two parties and no crime was committed.

http://www.wusa9.com/news/local/story.aspx?storyid=82520&catid=158

Baltimonger

03-21-09, 16:41

A John

03-22-09, 08:48

Years ago, there was an old tale in the Marine Corps about a lieutenant who inspected his marines and told the 'gunny' that they smelled bad. The lieutenant suggested that they change their underwear.

The Gunny responded, 'Yes, sir, I'll see to it immediately'.

He went into the tent and said, 'The lieutenant thinks you guys smell bad, and wants you to change your underwear .. Smith, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowskie, Brown, you change with Schultz. Get to it'.

The moral: A candidate may promise change in Washington , but don't count on things smelling any better

Anything Cool

03-22-09, 10:22

There's a student in medical school who wants to specialize in sexual disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic. The chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility, when the student sees a patient masturbating right there in the hallway.

"What condition does he have?" the student asks.

"He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder," the doctor replies. "If he doesn't obtain sexual release forty to fifty times a day, he'll pass into a coma."

The student takes some notes on that, and they continue down the hall. As they turn the corner, he sees another patient with his pants around his ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse.

"What about him?" the student asks. "What's his story?"

"Oh, it's the same condition," the doctor replies. "He just has a better health plan."

A John

03-22-09, 19:40

My favorite is the old man who almost gets took out at the knees. His facial expression never changes.

http://video.stumbleupon.com/#p=lmpifyylaf

Hell On Wls

03-23-09, 12:14

Finally, someone has cleared this up.

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian Embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab or a motel in Canada. If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones & provide us with technical advice.

Hell On Wls

03-23-09, 13:06

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, 'Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing? '

'I'm listening to the music of the tree, ' the other man replied.

'You've have to be kiddin' me. '

'No, would you like to give it a try? '

Understandably curious, the man says, 'Well, OK. ' So he wrapped his arms around the tree! And pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, 'What the heck happened to you? '

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.

When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, 'This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake.'

Gdlint

03-24-09, 12:01

A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Montana, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs. '

The old rancher says, 'Okay, but do not go in that field over there' as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. ' Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish. On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? ' The old rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased close behind by the rancher's prize bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get "horned " before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The old rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.

'Your badge. Show him your badge! '

Hell On Wls

03-24-09, 13:31

An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me? "Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason. Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected.

Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons? '"

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended? " Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time? "

Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge. " "I recall that, " said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time. "

"Alright, " Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes? "

World Wise

03-24-09, 14:11

My favorite is the old man who almost gets took out at the knees. His facial expression never changes.

http://video.stumbleupon.com/#p=lmpifyylaf

Thanks for your posts A J. I enjoy them.

Hell On Wls

03-24-09, 15:28

A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears Strange noises coming from the bedroom.

She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, Sweating and panting. 'What's up? ' she asks.

'I'm having a heart attack, ' cries the husband. The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, 'Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got No clothes on! '

The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs Into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet Door.

Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering On the closet floor. 'You rotten 'B*tch', she screams.

'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the kids! '

Hell On Wls

03-24-09, 15:37

One Star Hangover (*)

No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 diet cokes and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.

Two Star Hangover (**)

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 2:00 AM I HOP excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

Three Star Hangover (***)

Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a guy walks by wearing cologne you gag because it reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke--yet you haven't peed once.

Four Star Hangover (****)

Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your ass is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.

Five Star Hangover (*****)

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate spit so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to take a dump results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'Floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'Floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now.

*****

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Indubitably; Innovative; Preliminary; Proliferation; Cinnamon

*****

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Specificity; British Constitution; Passive-aggressive disorder; Loquacious; Transubstantiate

*****

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

1.) Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2.) Nope, no more booze for me.
3.) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4.) Good evening officer isn't it lovely out tonight.
5.) Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

A John

03-24-09, 15:45

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

A John

03-24-09, 16:00

A John

03-24-09, 16:06

MY LADY DOCTOR

Went to the doctor for my yearly physical.

She started with certain basics.

'How much do you weigh?' she asks.

'135,' I say.

She puts me on the scale.

It turns out my weight is 170.

Then she asks, 'Your height?'

'5' 6" inches', I say.

She checks and sees that I only measure 5' 2".

Then she takes my blood pressure.

She tells me it is very high.

'Of course it's high!' I scream.

'When I came in here I was tall and slender!

Now I'm short and fat!'

She put me on Prozac. What a *****.

A John

03-24-09, 21:33

Whether or not you are a country music fan, these are truly the words of a deep thinker, and a highly intelligent person. So simple, yet so profound!

Read the words of wisdom from that famous philosopher Willie Nelson, iconic country and western singer, on his 75th birthday below his esteemed portrait below. Only a man with such wisdom and maturity could be so concise and succinct in phrasing his feelings at this turning point in his life. Read below and digest carefully.

"I have outlived my pecker".

A John

03-24-09, 21:38

Picnic................

http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=Picnic.wmv

KC Questor

03-25-09, 16:24

"I have outlived my pecker".

I prefer the words of Steven Tyler, who described his motivation for being a rock star as

"The three Ms: Music, Money, and MMMMMM... pussy!"

A John

03-25-09, 19:29

The old ball and chain. To funny

http://www.nypost.com/seven/03242009/news/regionalnews/police__connecticut_woman_handcuffed_sel_161127.htm

Baltimonger

03-25-09, 19:32

We Americans really have to our priorities straight!

I find it very interesting that we invest all this money, time and energy to stop to consenting adults from having sex for money. Yet we allow something like this to go on in our country.

How is it possible that are Constitution would protect a cult like this from forming?

This truly is pissing in our faces and trying to make us believe it's raining.

WTF

http://shock.military.com/Shock/videos.do?displayContent=185279

The video is BS, IMHO. Much, if not all of, the scenery, vehicles and license plates were not filmed in this country. The Constitution does not protect these kinds of groups. They would be a "Clear and present danger" as first ruled by Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr, and an enemy of the State.

"Christian Action Network"? Now there's impartiality. "Over 50 attacks on U.S. soil? What attacks, and where? Don't you think you would've heard about these attacks SOMEWHERE?

I wonder how many abortion clinics the Christian Action Network has bombed?

KC Questor

03-25-09, 21:13

The old ball and chain. To funny

http://www.nypost.com/seven/03242009/news/regionalnews/police__connecticut_woman_handcuffed_sel_161127.htm

In Spanish the word for female spouse (aka "wife") is esposa. This word also means "handcuff (http://www.spanishdict.com/translate/esposa)"

Gdlint

03-26-09, 13:26

Old man sitting on his front porch in Louisiana watching the sunrise sees the neighbors' kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.

He yells out, 'Hey boy, whatcha got there? '

The boy yells back, 'Roll of chicken wire. '

The old man says, 'What you gonna do with that? '

The boy says, 'Catch some chickens. '

The old man yells, 'You dang fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire! '

The boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise, he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

At the same time the next morning, the old man is out watching the sunrise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.

The old man yells out, 'Hey boy, whatcha got there? '

The boy yells back, 'Roll of duck tape. '

The old man says, 'What you gonna do with that? '

The boy says back, 'Catch me some ducks. '

The old man yells back, 'You dang fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape! '

The boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That night, around sunset, the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement, he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it

At the same time the next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.

The old man says, 'Hey boy, whatcha got there? '

The boy says, 'It's a pussy willow. '

The old man says, 'Hold on, I'll get my hat. '

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Gdlint

03-27-09, 11:37

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf? "

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not? "

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany

Within seconds, he receives an email on His Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his Hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves." says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf? "

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the USA Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct, " says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required. " answered the cowboy.

"You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows. This is a Herd of sheep."

"Now give me back my dog."

A John

03-27-09, 21:58

The Flea.............

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9yWUP5nvqXU

SgtPerv

03-28-09, 02:05

Shooting accident

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak.

He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun.

Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged. Shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

'Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot. ' 'What's the bad news? ' asked the hunter.

'The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister. ' 'Well I guess that isn't too bad, ' the hunter replied. 'Is your sister a plastic surgeon? ' 'Not exactly. ' answered the doctor.

"She's a flute player in the Syracuse Symphony. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."

Gdlint

03-29-09, 17:51

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.

He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and buns, with Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you? "

Patton said, "Why you say such a mean thing? "

"Well, " Kathleen said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly. It's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

Gdlint

03-29-09, 18:12

An old man struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat.

His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, 'Where are you going? '

He replies, 'I'm going to the doctor. '

She says, 'Why, are you sick? '

He says, 'Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff. '

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.

He says, 'Where the heck are you going'?

She answers, 'I'm going to the doctor, too. '

He says, 'Why, what do you need? '

She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a Tetanus shot! "

A John

03-30-09, 10:11

Do you know what happened this month back in 1850, 159 years ago?

California became a state.

The State had no electricity.

The State had no money.

Almost everyone spoke Spanish.

There were gunfights in the streets.

So basically, it was just like it is today, except the women had real breasts and the men didn't Marry one another.

Gdlint

03-30-09, 11:19

Jane and Arlene are outsidetheir nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist thatshe wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks ather kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel. '

The pharmacist fainted.

Vargr

03-30-09, 19:09

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak.
...
"She's a flute player in the Syracuse Symphony. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."
Another reason not to go DUCK hunting with BUCKSHOT.

A John

03-30-09, 20:00

Videos............

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=ab6_1237653544

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=868_1236495389

A John

03-31-09, 07:38

Pussy monster

http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=PussyMonster.wmv

A John

03-31-09, 07:39

Tarzan leaves the jungle, comes to civilization, and applies for a job.

Interviewer: "What's your name?"

Tarzan: "Me, Tarzan."

Interviewer: "Are you married?"

Tarzan: "Wife, Jane."

Interviewer: "Do you have any children?"

Tarzan: "Son, boy."

Interviewer: "Anything else to your name besides Tarzan?"

Tarzan: "Tarzan, King of the Jungle."

Interviewer: "What's Jane's whole name?"

Tarzan: "Jane's Hole named Pussy."

A John

03-31-09, 14:48

Will I Live to see 80?

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and
exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just
turned 60.)

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine, indulge in
chocolate or coffee?'

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?

'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very
unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking,
or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said.

He looked at me and said,... 'Then, why do you even give a shit?

Seva Lurker

03-31-09, 16:58

KC Questor

03-31-09, 18:00

What's better than a free handjob?

Getting paid to get a handjob (http://slamxhype.com/blogs/shanghai-that-extra-mile/)

Benchseats Rock

03-31-09, 18:25

What's better than a free handjob?

Getting paid to get a handjob (http://slamxhype.com/blogs/shanghai-that-extra-mile/)

Oh please tell me this is not a joke.
I'd bet someone stateside could use this as a business model and make a lot of people happy.

Bench

A John

03-31-09, 21:04

Fish and Woman.........

A John

03-31-09, 21:07

Perfect bar stool...............

A John

04-01-09, 19:56

An old man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.
He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."
Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"
Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens."
Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"
Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.
Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape."
Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"
Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks."
Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!"
Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.
Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy says "It's a pussy willow."
Old man says "Wait up ... I'll get my hat."

A John

04-01-09, 20:07

Go Tigers........

http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=gotigers.wmv

A John

04-01-09, 20:16

TEST YOUR MOUSE:

When the test opens (when photos turn natural color), just point your Mouse at the picture .....

This is a great public service!

http://www.randyhanshaw.com/Humor/HTML/Flashers.htm

A John

04-02-09, 13:26

President Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes.

They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'? So our illustrious president aAsked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

One little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy?

'No,' said Obama, 'that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy?

'I'm afraid not,' explained Obama. 'That's what we would call great loss.'

The room went silent. No other children volunteered.

Obama searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: 'If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens. That would be a tragedy?

'Fantastic!' exclaimed Obama.

'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?

'Well,' says Johnny, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss. And it probably wouldn't be a fricking accident either.

Gdlint

04-03-09, 12:48

"The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers." - Woody Allen

LordBlackAdder

04-03-09, 18:40

THE USGA WOULD LIKE TO INFORM ALL GOLFERS OF NEW OBAMA RULES

There are MAJOR rule changes to the game of golf, effective now, April 3, just in time for spring.

This is only a preview as the complete rule book is being written now.
Here are a couple of basic changes.

Golfers with handicaps:
- below 10 will have their green fees increase by 35%
- between 11 and 18 will see no increase in green fees
- above 18 will play for free and even get a check from the club/course played

The dollar amount put in for bets will be as follows:
-for handicaps below 10 an additional $10
-between 11 and 18 no additional amount
-above 18 you will receive the total amount in the pot and you do not even have to play.

The term "gimme" putt will be changed to "entitlement" and will be used as follows:
-handicaps below 10, no entitlements
-handicaps above 11 to 17, entitlements for putter length putts
-handicaps above 18, if on green, no need to ever putt, just pick it up

These "entitlements" are intended to bring about fairness in scoring so that the final scores of all players will be about the same.

In addition, a Player will be limited to a max of one birdie and/or six
pars, any excess must be given to those fellow players who have not yet scored a birdie or par. Only after all players have received a birdie or par from the player making the birdie or par, can that Player begin to count his score again.

The current USGA handicap system will be used for the above purposes but the term "net score" will be available only for scoring those players with handicaps 18 and above.

This is intended to "redistribute" the success of winning by making sure that in every competition the above 18 handicap players will post only "net score" against every other player's gross score.

These new Rules are intended to CHANGE the game of golf. Golf must be about Fairness Only, it should have nothing to do with Ability.

LordBlackAdder

04-03-09, 18:42

Several years ago, Texas Tech had an economics professor that said he had never failed a single student before but, had once failed an entire class. That class had insisted that socialism worked and that no one would be poor and no one would be rich, a great equalizer. The professor then said ok, we will have an experiment in this class on socialism.

All grades would be averaged and everyone would receive the same grade so no one would fail and no one would receive an A. After the first test the grades were averaged and everyone got a B. The students who studied hard were upset and the students who studied little were happy. But, as the second test rolled around, the students who studied little had studied even less and the ones who studied hard decided they wanted a free ride too; so they studied little. The second Test average was a D! No one was happy. When the 3rd test rolled around the average was an F.

The scores never increased as bickering, blame, name calling all resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for anyone else. All failed to their great surprise and the professor told them that socialism would ultimately fail because the harder to succeed the greater the reward but when a government takes all the reward away; no one will try or succeed.

It's too bad that today there are no more professors that truly understand that premise.

LordBlackAdder

04-03-09, 18:44

This photo captures a disturbing trend that is beginning to affect U.S. wildlife. Animals that were formerly self-sufficient are now showing signs of belonging to the Democratic Party ... as they have apparently learned to just sit and wait for the government to step in and provide for their care and sustenance.

This is a Democrat black bear in Montana nicknamed Bearack Obearma.

Gdlint

04-05-09, 12:29

Benchseats Rock

04-06-09, 10:45

The local yokel got married and his honeymoon was the first time he'd been off the farm.

He'd saved for twenty years for this, so could afford a classy hotel.

Checking in he said "Me and the new WIFE would like to hire your best room for a week"

"Certainly sir" replied the receptionist. "Would you like the Bridal"?

The yokel looked a bit uncertain, then said "Naw, reckon not, a'll just hang onto her ears 'til a get the hang of it"

Gdlint

04-06-09, 11:26

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. She was somewhat upset.

'You are a disrespectful pig! ' she cried, 'How dare you do this to me, a faithful wife, and the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away! '

The husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, let me at least explain why it's happened. ' 'Fine, go ahead, ' she screamed, 'but they'll be the last words you'll ever say to me! '

And so the husband began. 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down & out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed & very dirty.

She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night; the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight.

The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but won't wear because you say they're too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has the same pair. '

The husband took a quick breath and continued, 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help, and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please sir, do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

LordBlackAdder

04-06-09, 15:21

A. Back off and let those men who want to marry men, marry men.

B. Allow those women who want to marry women, marry women.

C. Allow those folks who want to abort their babies, abort their babies.

D. In three generations, there will be no Democrats.

What do you think L.B.A. Sound like a plan?

The big problem with that plan is that they will just import some new Democrats from Mexico.

As some of you may have heard supreme court in Iowa has now made it legal for gays to get married. Reporting on this news, the headline in the Omaha Sunday Newspaper was "The Gay Mecca Across the River"

KC Questor

04-06-09, 22:37

As some of you may have heard supreme court in Iowa has now made it legal for gays to get married.

Asked for comment, both gay couples in Iowa said "Hooray!"

A John

04-07-09, 05:24

WHY NOT TO GET MARRIED...............

http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=YouWantedToGetMarried.wmv

A John

04-07-09, 05:33

An old one but still funny..............

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there, but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken uder each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why, thank you very much, he said, and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says, "Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.

How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

Th farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens...."

A John

04-07-09, 14:52

Judy got married and had 13 children.
Her first husband,Ted, died of cancer.
She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children.
Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.
Judy *again*, remarried,.... and this time, she & John had 5 more children.
Judy finally died, after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they are finally together."
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:
"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"
Margaret replied:....
"I think he means her legs, Ethel..."

Hell On Wls

04-07-09, 22:33

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling.

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning. "

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even.

Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong. "

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

Hell On Wls

04-07-09, 22:41

A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off and enjoying a round of golf.

The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing.

He missed the ball entirely and said "Shit, I missed. "

The good Sister told him to watch his language.

On his next swing, he missed again. "Shit, I missed. "

"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing, " the nun said tartly.

The priest promised to do better and the round continued.

On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.

Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that. "

On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again.

"Shit, I missed. "

A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.

And from the sky comes a booming voice.

"Shit, I missed."

Hell On Wls

04-07-09, 22:52

--- When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

David Bissonette

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

Sacha Guitry

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

Anonymous

The great question. Which I have not been able to answer. Is, "What does a woman want? "

Dumas

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. Sigmund Freud

'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. '

Anonymous

'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage. '

Sam Kinison

'I've had bad luck with both my wives.

The first one left me, and the second one didn't. '

James Holt McGavra

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming

1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,

2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

Patrick Murra

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Nash

You know what I did before I married?

Anything I wanted to.

Anonymous

My wife and I were happy for twenty years.

Then we met.

Henny Youngman

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Rodney Dangerfield

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters.

They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine. '

Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel! '

Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive. '

Anonymous

Hell On Wls

04-07-09, 23:50

I hope this works beause it is funny. If not copy and paste? HH

Best_DUI_Ever.wmv

A John

04-09-09, 07:52

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.
'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.
'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'
'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went..'
It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!
T'was horrid ! Just terrible, doctor!'
'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.
'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and
tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'
'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'
'Feckin jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!'

LordBlackAdder

04-10-09, 13:26

Shame of porn star caught watching Parliament Channel

Adult movie star Lustie Blowes is facing questions over her future as the industry’s leading hardcore actress after ‘mistakenly’ claiming the cost of her husband’s Sky TV subscription to the BBC Parliament channel on her pornography expenses.

The embarrassing mistake came to light after her husband, Nigel Blowes, admitted to watching three hours of political material, including Prime Minister’s Question Time, Andrew Neil’s Straight Talk and a special report on the Parliamentary Standards Commission. Porn producers say the matter has undermined the credibility of Mrs Blowes, who is said to be ‘mortified’ by the error.

‘Nigel is deeply ashamed that he watched this material and the sordid, grubby business of politics was allowed into our home. It was a momentary lapse in his judgement and he assures me that he usually only ever watches hardcore pornography like any normal married man.’

But the expenses claim was also said to include two viewings of the film ‘An Inconvenient Truth’, a single payment for a studio discussion entitled ‘Whither the Euro?’ and a History Channel special on the precarious Lib-Lab pact of the mid-1970s.

Under industry guidelines, adult-film actors can claim for extra allowances provided that they can prove they are ‘wholly, exclusively and necessarily required’ to perform their duties. Common expenses include the cost of lubrication, spare batteries and gym membership. Mrs Blowes said in a statement; ‘I’m sorry that in claiming for my porn expenses I mistakenly claimed for this shameful TV channel alongside it. As soon as the matter was brought to my attention, I went straight round to the offices of the Pornographic Standards Authority and rectified the situation. After fellating the guy who turned up to fix the photocopier, obviously.’

LordBlackAdder

04-10-09, 13:33

Details are beginning to emerge of the moment when the assembled G20 leaders chose the final figure of the cash that will be injected into the global economies. ‘It was just a comedy ad-lib from Barack Obama’ said the French President Nicolas Sarkozy. ‘We were wondering how the hell we were going to come up with the exact figure and the room went quiet as people were thinking. Then Barack just came out with ‘One trillion dollars!’ in the Dr Evil voice from Austin Powers. He even put his little finger to the side of his mouth. We all just burst into hysterics but then thought, ‘Hell, why not?’.’

Having concluded several hours of difficult business in a couple of minutes, things got even more childish, as the German Chancellor Angela Merkel suggested, ‘that guy from Different Strokes could be your Mini Me’ and Gordon Brown was ordering for ‘sharks with fricken laser beams on their fricken heads’.

The laughing could be heard from the outer chambers and was initially mistaken for some sort of terrorist attack, as it took time for the security officers to work out what was happening. There were world leaders with water streaming out of their eyes and quite a few rolling on their backs clutching their sides and screaming ‘Fembots!’. ‘We thought we were dealing with a poison gas attack, but then it became a little clearer,’ said one Security Officer who did not give his name. ‘We aren’t used to handling incidents like this; the last time it happened was when Bill Clinton handed out his cigars in the Oval office’.

LordBlackAdder

04-10-09, 13:38

Microsoft launches new version of ‘Not Responding’ 2009

Microsoft has updated its popular Not Responding 2007 with a new multi media version, that automatically reduces the amount of work done on a computer by wiping the last hour’s worth.

‘Not Responding 2009 is a whole new paradigm shift,’ said Ned Holliday, Microsoft’s UK avatar MD. ‘It’s no longer enough to let people down with a simple system crash. Gone are the days of raging at a one dimensional system failure.’ Holliday explained that mmodern professionals are demanding to be let down in a range of communications media, whether it’s voice over wifi, Skype, web conferencing or just using Microsoft’s plain old instant mortification.

The system is designed to be compatible with Microsoft’s package for small and medium sized businesses, Professional Prevaricator 2008, the automated buck-passing system that allows middle management employees to appear to consider a decision without putting their heads above the parapet. Some critics were worried that Prevaricator’s CC mail platform, that automatically dampens down any dangerous enthusiasm by getting as many people involved as possible, might not work well alongside a system that is designed for instant disappointment.

‘Executives in corporations across the globe are being asked to prove their worth to the company, or walk,’ said a Microsoft spokesman, ‘the risk of exposure is critical. So they’ve never needed a system failure more than now’ he said in a press statement written by hand, after his Word Document had mysteriously wiped itself.

Double Nickle

04-10-09, 18:49

If you have a deserving boss, neighbor, whatever, here's what to do. If you find out they have a hot date, are going to a nude beach, or best yet they have a doctor's appointment then do the following. Ply them with drink. Not good whiskey. Make up a jug or two of that highly artificial fruit punch from mix. The stuff that comes out bright red, even neon red. I swigged down a huge batch of this and found out that the head of my cock turned this hideous mottled red. Scare off their sure thing. Make them the butt of jokes at the nude beach. Or have the doctor shudder at the malignancy and perform an emergency penectomy before the growth spreads. Me, I didn't need to cut my dick off. When I stopped drinking the stuff my dick returned to its normal beautiful state. Sorry I can't supply before and after photographs but my digital camera is acting up.

Double Nickle

SgtPerv

04-12-09, 07:33

Inject it into marshmallows. Eat them and the red dye comes out when you urinate red. It will scare the hell out of who ever male or female. lol

Baltimonger

04-12-09, 17:22

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qCN_zJ9vhmI&feature=related

A John

04-12-09, 17:39

Hard for the Big 3 to top this...............

http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=hyundai.wmv

A John

04-13-09, 21:13

Dum dum...........

http://www.snopes.com/crime/dumdum/gunshop.asp

Markvi

04-13-09, 21:54

Dum dum...........

http://www.snopes.com/crime/dumdum/gunshop.asp
Yep. Average intelligence of human race went up a little.

Phompee

04-13-09, 22:39

A John

04-14-09, 14:46

New TSA Airport Scanning Tool

You won’t see this on the news…

http://www.incident.net/works/miseanu/nues.html

Move Cursor Left or Right to adjust speed.

Click on a figure for a complete scan view.

A John

04-14-09, 14:48

I became confused when I heard these terms with reference to the word 'service'.

Internal Revenue 'Service'

U.S. Postal 'Service'

Telephone 'Service'

Cable 'Service'

Civil 'Service'

Customer 'Service'

State, City & County Public 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'service' meant,

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows.

BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those 'service' agencies are
doing to us.

I hope you are now as enlightened as I.

A John

04-14-09, 17:07

A new supermarket opened in Topeka , KS . It has an
automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just
before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and
the smell of fresh rain. When you pass the milk cases, you
hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown
hay. In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal
grilled steaks with onions. When you approach the egg case,
you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with
the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying. The bread
department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked
bread and cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more

Seva Lurker

04-14-09, 21:33

There may be errors and/or embelishments in the details to the story but I have to ask... what kind of dickfor attempts to singlehandedly rob a GUN STORE in the middle of the afternoon?

Phompee

Obviously a person with an IQ that is smaller than the caliber of his gun.

A John

04-15-09, 16:52

CDC Medical Alert

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.
This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).
If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!!
This virus will wipe out your private life entirely.
If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good female friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER).
Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system. Then sex should be next on the mind.

A John

04-15-09, 17:49

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and
asked a blonde, female crew member to take care of the box for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible
for the crabs staying frozen, mentioned that he was a lawyer, and
proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out..

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to
the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New
Orleans, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:
1. Men never learn.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most men think.

Markvi

04-15-09, 17:49

There may be errors and/or embelishments in the details to the story but I have to ask... what kind of dickfor attempts to singlehandedly rob a GUN STORE in the middle of the afternoon?

Same kind who tries to steal live high-voltage copper wire:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1057760/Thief-electrocuted-trying-steal-copper-cable-carrying-11-000-volts.html

A John

04-15-09, 21:24

KC Questor

04-15-09, 23:53

good old fashion tittys .... !!

I believe that some of those are very "new-fangled" titties

Roamin Roman

04-16-09, 01:33

Now that Obama is in office
No More Political reports...please!
We need to stop sending out all of the political garbage.no matter what side of the aisle you are from. What we need
to do is stop the bickering and get back to some
good old fashion tittys .... !!I gotta say, AJ, the sign in the background of that third titty photo is the coup-de-gras (or however ya spell that Frenchie word anyway). The photographer sure knew what he was doing. :D

R::R

Gdlint

04-16-09, 09:18

A dog is truly a man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?

LordBlackAdder

04-16-09, 10:03

Travelling salesman to take Reiki training course after asking masseuse about ‘extras’!

A visit to a Leeds massage parlour advertised in the back of a local newspaper led to Dan Broad, a vending machine salesman, signing up for an eight week course in the benefits of the Japanese ‘healing energy’ treatment Reiki after asking his 24-year-old massage therapist if there was anything more she could do to provide relief.

Broad now plans to give the course to his wife as a birthday present, confident she’ll like it as much as the Venezuelan 42’’ television he bought her last year after enquiring about a ‘large exotic TV’ he saw advertised on a postcard in a Manchester phone box.

LordBlackAdder

04-16-09, 10:13

In Norfolk, a 4 unit apartment was destroyed by a fire.

A Nigerian family of six con artists lived on the first floor, and all six died in the fire.

An Islamic group of seven welfare cheats, all illegally in the country from Kenya, lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in the fire.

6, Hispanic, Gang Banger, ex-cons, lived on the 3rd floor and they too, died.

A lone, white couple lived on the top floor. They were not killed by the fire.

Jesse Jackson, John Burris and Al Sharpton were furious. They flew into Norfolk, met with the fire chief, on camera. They loudly demanded to know why the blacks, Muslims and hispanics all died in the fire and only the white couple lived..?

The fire chief said, "They were at work."

Gdlint

04-16-09, 15:06

A crusty old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into the grill room. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"

The old golfer leans over the bar, "I was wondering, young lady," he whispers, "Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs? "

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs, "Why, yes, I sure am!"

The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands because I want a cheeseburger."

A John

04-19-09, 04:12

A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish. '

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want. '

The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind. '

The biker thought about it for a long time.

Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make her truly happy. '

The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

Gdlint

04-19-09, 14:24

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her cell phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition in the ICU.

The woman asked the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to hit a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a slice of yummy chocolate cake, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you!? I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And taking care of him will now be your career!'

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought.'

A John

04-20-09, 20:45

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different.

The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.

Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene got pregnant once again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."

A John

04-20-09, 23:40

How To Save Gasoline !

The Canadian Solution to save Gasoline Harper wants
us to cut the amount of gasoline we use......

The best way to stop using so much gasoline is to deport 3
million illegal immigrants!

That would be 3 million less people using our gas. The price
of gas would come down......

Bring our troops home from Afghanistan to guard the
borders....

When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the Border,
hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him
to Afghanistan ....

Tell him if he wants to come to Canada then he must serve a
tour in the military....

Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on
it.....

After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended
this country.....

He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal resident.....

This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a
solution for the troops in Afghanistan and the aliens trying
to make a better life for themselves.. ......

If they refuse to serve, ship them to Afghanistan anyway,
without the canteen, rifle or ammo.....

Problem solved....

Northsideman

04-20-09, 23:44

On Frank Sinatra websites his name is abbreviated as "FS". I mentioned the OTHER definition of "FS" (full service) in a Sinatra chat room and got a big laugh. Supposed Mr. FS enjoyed the other kind of FS. According to a former butler Frank used to fly hookers down from Vegas to his Palm Springs home and pay them well. But the butler said it was always one at a time, Frank found orgies too messy for his tastes.

Northsideman

04-21-09, 00:12

Seva Lurker

04-21-09, 07:11

Here are some I've heard. The songs listed with a * are definitely, no dispute, about hooking. The other ones are open to interpretation.

*Janis Ian (famous lesbian folksinger) "Pro Girl" (from her first album which also had the controversial interracial song "Society's Child" and other songs which were considered shocking in 1967)

*Bobbi Gentry (of "Ode To Billie Joe" fame) "The Girl From Cincinnati", and of course "Fancy" (a huge hit when covered by Reba McIntire in the '80s, but Bobbi wrote & recorded first in 1969 and the album artwork shows her looking like a hooker! Bobbi was a Vegas showgirl before she made it in music.)

*Jeannie C. Riley (of "Harper Valley P.T.A." fame) "Back Side Of Dallas" ("...where every cabdriver knows her name"!)

*Georgie Fame "Bullets LaVerne" (from his "Bonnie & Clyde" album)

*Ian Whitcomb "This Sporting Life" (Brothels used to be called "sporting houses" about a hundred years ago. From his "You Turn Me On" album, the panting title cut of which made him popular with gays)

Beatles "Day Tripper" (maybe that's what it's about? a "day trip" is also a one day vacaction in British lingo)

Rolling Stones "Honky Tonk Women" (I think the woman in question blew something OTHER THAN Mick Jagger's "nose"!)

also while there are no "tart" songs on the album, the cover of The Kinks' "Low Budget" is a closeup of what are supposed to be a hooker's feet.

If you know of any others please post them. Thanks!

Nanci Griffith has a couple of songs like that.
*"Lookin' For The Time (Workin' Girl)" - "Well I work this corner from 11 to 5 and my feet get cold about midnight."

*"Workin' In Corners" - "I've been workin' in corners all alone at night."

*"Tecumseh Valley" - This is a song written by the late Townes Van Zandt and covered by several artists. This cover from Nanci's "Other Voices, Other Rooms". "Well she took to whoring, out on the street, with all the lust inside her."

*Emmylou Harris on her "Western Wall" (with Linda Rondstadt) covers a David Olney song called "1917" - "The strange young man who comes to me. A soldier on a three day spree. He needs one night's cheap ecstasy..."

Don't even have to guess or read between the lines. The first two Nanci songs were from early in her career (early to mid 80's) and as she wrote them herself it makes one wonder if she might not have been somewhat autobiographical. If not that then what she witnessed as she played the bars getting started.

As for the 'Day Tripper', I picked up a lady in London many years ago. I was near Euston Station and she was meandering the side streets next to there. I was her last trick for the night. She had to catch her train going back home to Birmingham, or some other midlands city. Said she came down to London every so often to earn a few extra 'quid'.

Seva Lurker

04-21-09, 07:24

One of the more interesting pieces of trivia from the American Civil War (now that is an 'oxymoron' name a war that was ever civil), is the emergence of the word Hooker to mean prostitute.

Seems the Union Army had one Maj. General Joesph Hooker. He commanded the Army of the Potomac in early 1863 when Lee beat the pants off him at Chancellorsville.

Anyway, back to the subject. Gen. Hooker enjoyed the company of the numerous 'camp followers' and those ladies who came (sic) to enjoy his company became known as "hooker's".

Northsideman

04-21-09, 12:57

Seva Lurker, you were so lucky picking up a British chick!

I went to college in England in 1980 (I'm originally from southern Illinois in the USA). Attended a summer school in the Midlands (Grantham, Lincolnshire), then spent my last 2 weeks in London. Wanted desperately to lose my virginity with a British girl (love the accent!). Heard about a pub in Grantham called the Black Dog where supposedly you could score easily but I never went there. My 20th birthday was the same Saturday we arrived in London. My African roommate and I cruised the crowded vicinity of Piccadilly Circus that night but the only people enjoying the nightlife were Arabs, mostly men. So I never scored in the UK!

A man on the street handed us a flyer for a disco. Then we walked down the street and another man saw the flyer and said "you don't want to go there, that place is dirty". He handed us the flyer for HIS disco but we didn't go there either!

Later that night as we walked back through the deserted streets of London to our hotel, I complained to my roommate about the lack of British girls in London that night. The only other person on the sidewalk was a drunken British man (about the only Brit we saw the whole night!) who was walking a few feet in front of us. After I finished my tirade about the absence of English chicks in London, this intoxicated bloke got disgusted, turned around, snapped his fingers and said "Unbelievable! I heard every word you said"!

Another time my roommate and I heard about a "hot disco" in Hampstead. So we took a train up there and went into a police station to ask directions. An annoyed policeman said "there's no disco here" (it was also summer so there were no college kids in town). So we went back to London.

My African roommate also reccomended I buy a specific brand of blue jeans which would help me score a British chick. I got the jeans ("F.U.S." brand, if I recall correctly) but they didn't work!

A John

04-21-09, 15:52

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild,
fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe, well developed and open to
trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced
of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm
and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all
conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war and doesn't
make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving but open to
meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes like Tibet, wild ly bea utiful, with a mysterious past
and the wisdom of the ages...only those with an adventurous spirit and a
thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 90, a man is like Iran, ruled by nuts....

A John

04-21-09, 15:56

Happy Woman

A woman in her fifties is at home, unclothed, happily jumping on her
bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, 'Do you have any idea how
ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?'

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, 'I don't care what
you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says
that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18-year-old..

The husband replies, 'What did he say about your 55-year old ass?'

'Your name never came up,' she replied....

KC Questor

04-21-09, 16:57

Gen. Hooker enjoyed the company of the numerous 'camp followers' and those ladies who came (sic) to enjoy his company became known as "hooker's".Cute story but pretty thoroughly debunked. The word "hooker" was used to denote prostitutes long before the Civil War. However people definitely joked about Hooker's army being appropriately named.

As far back at 1600 the word Hooker was used in England to denote a female pickpocket.- they used small hooks to unlatch windows and were small enough to slip between bars or small entrances. It came to generally mean any woman who did petty crimes, and then eventually only to that most common of crime, prostitution.

In the US it was first recorded in a court proceeding as early as 1835, in reference to the whorehouses around Corlear's Hook, New York.

KC Questor

04-21-09, 17:45

If you know of any others please post them. Thanks!

Here are a few more songs about prostitutes. This is certainly just an abridged list, I know lots more. And I've left off the hundreds and hundreds of rap songs that references "ho's"...

53rd & 3rd by The Ramones - The title refers to a corner in New York City that was known for male prostitution in the '70s (the area has cleaned up considerably since then). Dee Dee Ramone, who wrote the song, implied that he sometimes worked the corner to pay for his heroin habit, which killed him in 2002.

A Woman's Story by Cher (produced by Phil Spector) - This song is a haunting reflection of a prostitute's life.

Bad Girls by Donna Summer - The "Bad Girls" are prostitutes. Summer got the idea when she sent her secretary on an errand and she got propositioned by some guys.

Call Me by Blondie - Song was written for Stevie Nicks, but she turned it down supposedly because the lyrics were about a prostitute. it was used in the male prostitution movie American Gigolo.

Charlotte the Harlot saga by Iron Maiden (4 songs: "Charlotte the Harlot," "22 Acacia Avenue," "Hooks In You," and "From Here To Eternity.") - Charlotte is a Charlotte is an upper-class hooker who is very ignorant. For instance, she tries to have genuine relationships with clients, and doesn't realize that prostitution is illegal.

Cross-Eyed Mary by Jethro Tull - This was written by Jethro Tull frontman Ian Anderson, who has described the character Mary a "child prostitute." Cross-eyed Mary is a young prostitute who has sex with dirty old men (the line "gets no kicks from little boys...would rather make it with a letching grey" attests to the fact that she has to take her money from wherever it comes--most often older men who pay for her services. The jack-knife barber is either an abortionist or Mary's pimp. The line "she'll do it for a song" makes is sound like Mary keeps her price low, thus helping the "poor man get along." Covered by Iron Maiden

Family Man by Hall & Oates - "She made it totally clear that she was his for a price" and "Dropped her price and pride she made it totally clear that she was his for a night"

Hot Child In The City by Nick Gilder - This song is about child prostitution. After leaving the group Sweeney Todd, Gilder had moved from Vancouver to Los Angeles and was amazed at how many young girls he saw working as prostitutes on Hollywood Boulevard.

Killer Queen by Queen - Freddie Mercury said "It's about a high class call girl. I'm trying to say that classy people can be ****** as well. That's what the song is about, though I'd prefer people to put their interpretation upon it - to read into it what they like."

Lady Marmalade by Labelle (and others) - written about New Orleans prostitutes. Used in the film Moulin Rouge.

Private Dancer by Tina Turner - Many people claim it is about a stripper. Even Tina Turner said "I wasn't sure whether the girl was a hooker or a very classical private dancer but I thought I'd take it."

Maggie Mae by The Beatles (and many others) - "Maggie" is British slang for prostitute. Suzanne Vega wrote a retort, "I'll never be your Maggie Mae."

Rocket Queen by Guns N' Roses - This song is about a junkie prostitute who was once the love interest of Axl Rose. He was going to start a band with her called Rocket Queen, but she was too strung out. If you listen closely towards the end, you can her frontman Axl Rose having sex in the studio with a girl in the studio. Axl wrote: "For that song there was also something I tried to work out with various people - a recorded sex act. It was somewhat spontaneous but premeditated; something I wanted to put on the record. It was a sexual song and it was a wild night in the studio. This girl we know was dancing; everyone was getting real excited. The night could have gotten really explosive, lots of trouble for everyone, and I thought wait a minute, how can we make this productive."

Roxanne by The Police - This is about a man who falls in love with a prostitute. Sting got the idea for this after walking through the red-light district of Paris. He imagined what it would be like to fall in love with one of the prostitutes. "You don't have to put on the red light. Those days are over. You don't have to sell your body to the night"

Smooth Operator by Sade - The lyrics "Across the north and south, to Key Largo, love for sale" and "His heart is cold" suggest the song is about a pimp or a gigolo.

Sweet Georgia Brown by (many covers) - the "Harlem Globetrotters Song" has many different lyrics depending on who has covered it. However the earliest versions all suggest the song was initially about a black prostitute.

Sweet Painted Lady by Elton John - This is about sailors back from the sea and the "sweet painted ladies" waiting for them at harbor brothels.

The Fire Down Below by Bob Seger - Not about hell (or STDs) as some have claimed, the fire refers to the desire men have for prostitutes. Ann Landers criticized this song for glorifying prostitution.

The House Of The Rising Sun by The Animals - Originally a prostitute, the main character was changed to a gambler for the US release of the song

Three Wooden Crosses by Randy Travis - This narrative number about the redemption of a prostitute was the 2003 Country Music Association Song of the Year.

Walk On The Wild Side by Lou Reed - This song is about transvestites who come to New York City and become prostitutes. "Take a walk on the wild side" is what they say to potential customers. Each verse introduces a new character.

KC Questor

04-21-09, 17:58

Next let's do songs about masturbation:

Fingers by Pink
U and Ur Hand by Pink
I Touch Myself by The Divinyls
She Bob by Cindy Lauper
Touch of My Hand by Britney Spears
Pictures of Lily by The Who
Spanked by Van Halen (phone sex is masturbation, right?)
My Ding-a-Ling by Chuck Berry

I always heard that "Turning Japanese" by The Vapors was about masturbation (referring to squinty eyes during orgasm), but this was denied by lead singer Dave Fenton.

Northsideman

04-21-09, 22:30

More intersections of two of my favorite interests, sex & music:

"She's A Beauty" by the Tubes is about those places where women get totally nude in a glass booth. But they came up with a cleaner interpretation for the video (instead it showed a carnival ride that turns children into senior citizens, guess it's still about loss of innocence). But Madonna did do a video (I think for "Open Up Your Heart") where she played a glass booth dancer.

"My Baby's Gun" by Femme Fatale (obscure heavy metal chick brags about the size of her lover's penis, getting it in the back door, etc.)

According to Suzanne Vega, her song "I'll never be your Maggie Mae" was not inspired by the Beatles song (actually a folk song the Beatles didn't write). She says it's an answer song to Rod Stewart's "Maggie Mae" in which she refuses to be the older woman who helps a younger man lose his virginity.

Ian Whitcomb did a full-length version of "Maggie Mae" (unlike the Beatles short take). The 19th century lyrics portray a prostitute who also steal's her customers' clothes and sells them at "Kelly's Pawnshop #9", but the singer still misses her! Ian throws in a spoken joke about Maggie's mother giving her a birthday gift of "100 yards, from the church to the station." Ian also says the lyrics for "You Turn Me On" were inspired by the American phrase "turn on" which fascinated him that sex could be turned on & off like a light switch! When he visited America the first time he was necking with a girl on a couch and she said "Ian you're turning me on". And Ian covered a great old ragtime song "Where Did Robinson Crusoe Go With Friday On Saturday Night" where the two characters cruise their island for "wild women".

The Yardbirds' "Goodnight Sweet Josephine" seems to be about a prostitiute/thief, but the police love her so much they'll "take no action"!

Nancy Sinatra's "Goodtime Girl" is about a chick who isn't a hooker, just sexually available, no strings attached, "pick up the phone and I'll come running...you don't have to say you love me..I'll turn your night time into day". Wish I knew someone like that! Nancy says that when you listen to her song "Love Eyes" you should substitute the word "Levi's" in the lyrics because it's actually about getting into a guy's pants ("my world lies right behind your Levi's"). Incidentally, on Sinatra websites "Frank Sinatra" is abbreviated as "FS"!

Chemical People did soundtrack music for a porno film. They also had porno chick Taija Rae pose for one of their album covers (one of the songs on the album is about having sex with chicks at nudist camps).

Bongwater (featuring actress Ann Magnuson) did a great CD in 1990 called "Power Of Pussy". It's '60s-styled psychedelic music but with contemporary, sexually explicit lyrics. Ann even sings about having sex with the "fat guy from Canned Heat"!

The Bangles were originally called The Bangs. Lead singer Susannah Hoffs liked that sexually suggestive name but was disappointed when they lost it to another group in a lawsuit. And where are those other Bangs today?

I've always thought a great name for an alternative band would be "Hookers Eat Pizza"!

KC Questor

04-22-09, 15:41

The coroner was showing around new employee at the morgue. He noticed that there were three bodies on the tables and that not only were they all young beautiful women, they all had great big smiles on their faces. He asked the coroner why they all had that expression.

The coroner pointed to the brunette and said "Well, this young lady won the lottery the other day. She was so happy she went out to celebrate at a local bar. She drank too much and got alcohol poisoning and died."

"That makes sense. Tragic, but she died happy."

Then the coroner pointed to the redhead. "She recently met a young man and began a passionate romance with him. After a marathon weekend of lovemaking, she suffered a brain aneurysm during an orgasm."

"What a way to go! What about the third one? She looks all burned. How do you die with a smile on your face if you are in a fire?"

"Oh the blonde? She got hit by lightning and thought the flash was someone taking her picture."

A John

04-22-09, 19:32

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.
While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch
her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tiptoe into
the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks
the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!
The husband puts a gun to the naked man's h ead. The wife shouts,
'Don 't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money
HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks
over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?

The cabby replies, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches cold.'

A John

04-22-09, 21:42

Two families moved from Afghanistan to America ..
When they arrived, the two fathers made a bet. After a year's time, whichever family had become more Americanized would win.

A year later they got together. The first man said, "My son is playing baseball, I ate at McDonald's for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a case of Bud. How about you?"

The second man replied..... "Fuck you, towel-head."

A John

04-22-09, 21:44

Think your cell phone conversations are private? I've got news for you...

This is worth watching
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uCyKcoDaofg

Gdlint

04-23-09, 12:55

The lady asked the pharmacist, "Do you have Viagra?"

"Yes," he answered.

She asked, "Does it work?"

"Yes," he answered.

She said, "Can you get it over the counter?"

"I can, if I take two," he replied.

SgtPerv

04-23-09, 15:01

I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented "You're definitely going to poop all over yourself" chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both cheeks of your butt will fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No "Watson's Movement 2". Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.

Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that "Uh oh, have to go" pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.

The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it. I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting.

Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake.

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things" clamped down", if you know what I mean. With each new chuckle an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told that a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal ass-plosion took place. Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable "Oh my God", floating above the toilet seat because my butt is burning SO BAD, purging.

One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of "Shock and Awe". He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, "Sonofa*****! ", then quickly left.

Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, "Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem. "

That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose And, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, "IT'S YOU! ", then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Jerks claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

A John

04-23-09, 15:31

You will soooooooo not believe this shit..........

Only in Japan ?

http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=japanse_massage.wmv

Hell On Wls

04-24-09, 09:58

Old Fart Football

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points. '

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that? ' The old man replied, 'It's fart football. '

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says 'Touchdown, tie score. '

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7. '

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score. '

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14. ' Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally shits in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that? '

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.

Hell On Wls

04-24-09, 10:06

On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired MARINE, and asked, "Honey, do you remember this? "

He looked up from his newspaper and said; "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married. "

She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night? "

He nodded and said "Yes dear, I said; Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out. "

She giggled and said; "That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight? "

He looked her up and down and said;

"Mission Accomplished."

Hell On Wls

04-24-09, 10:14

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee? " He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra, " he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite. "

At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich? " He declines. "The Viagra, " he says, "really trashes my desire for food. "

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry? " He declines again. "No, " he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry. "

"Well, " she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

Seva Lurker

04-24-09, 13:07

Seva Lurker

04-24-09, 13:19

You will soooooooo not believe this shit..........

Only in Japan ?

http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=japanse_massage.wmv

No, other parts of the world too. There was a video posted on the Usenet a couple of weeks ago. The title started out "GGG" which usually means a John Thompson bukake movie.

Do a bin search (or Google) for "GGG - Sperma Cubana". My Google came up with about 10,000 hits, and a couple of descriptions, none of which matched the file I downloaded.

My bin search found two files, different sizes, different days, same name. Anyway the one I downloaded, and didn't keep, made that clip look tame.

Edit 25 Apr 8:11 EDT
Well I downloaded both files and they are the same. It may say 'Cubana', but not all the 'ladies' (sick) are Cuban and it is not a John Thompson film. Seems like someone trying to use his trademark (GGG) to get downloads for a compilation of animal films. :( Definitely not my cup of tea.

Now can we go back to JOKES AND HUMOROUS STORIES???? Please.

Anything Cool

04-25-09, 10:29

I've always thought a great name for an alternative band would be "Hookers Eat Pizza"!

In Minneapolis there is a local bar band named "Hookers and Blow".

SgtPerv

04-25-09, 12:33

The Revenge

Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together.

As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.

Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.

So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's cock and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone." Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome.

He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents.

A John

04-25-09, 16:15

cake farts.............

http://www.cakefarts.com/

Benchseats Rock

04-25-09, 20:20

In Minneapolis there is a local bar band named "Hookers and Blow".

In Baltimore there is a band called "Handjob"

Actually, searching for "Handjob in Baltimore" is how I discovered the band and this site.

Bench

KC Questor

04-25-09, 21:36

In Minneapolis there is a local bar band named "Hookers and Blow".

I used to live in Madison, Wisconsin, right near the corner where Hooker meets Pleasure:

Street map (http://maps.google.com/maps?f=q&source=s_q&hl=en&geocode=&q=hooker+%26+pleasure,+madison,+wi&sll=37.0625,-95.677068&sspn=48.77566,67.324219&ie=UTF8&t=h&z=16&iwloc=A)

Seva Lurker

04-25-09, 22:21

There is a road in Virginia Beach named Pleasure House Road. It runs down to the water's edge and before Virginia became 'civilized' there was a house of pleasure at the end of the lane.

Long before my time.

Misfit

04-26-09, 07:49

cake farts.............

http://www.cakefarts.com/
I was waiting for the cake to be decorated with some more "chocolate" frosting.

Misfit

Gdlint

04-26-09, 16:44

A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of? '

The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT. ' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.

'That's very good! ' replied the interviewer. 'And, now you sir? ', he asked the second man.

'Hmmm. Let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of. '

'Excellent! ' said the interviewer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed. ' He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. 'It 's hard to beat the speed of light, ' he said.

Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA. '

'WHAT! ? ' said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants. '

BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!

You probably will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now on!

A John

04-30-09, 10:51

1. Letter to my bank;
Dear Sirs,
One of my checks was returned marked "insufficient funds". In view of current developments in the banking industry, does that refer to me or to you?

2. When I was born, I was given a choice -
A big penis or a good memory..
I don't remember, what I chose.

3. A wife is a sex object.
Every time you ask for sex,
she objects.

4. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men -'don't' and 'stop',
unless they are used together.

5. Panties:
Not the best thing on earth,
but next to the best thing on earth.

6. There are three stages of sex
in a man's life:
Tri Weekly, Try Weekly,
and Try Weakly.

7. Despite the old saying,
'Don't take your troubles to bed',
many men still sleep with their wives!

8. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

9. What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans
life?
Life sucks, job sucks,
and the wife doesn't.

10. Motto to live by;
'If you can't stick 'em, lick 'em< /B>

(Postage Stamps)

Seva Lurker

04-30-09, 15:02

Saw this on a bumper sticker in Dayton many years ago.

"Life's a *****. Then you marry one."

Then there was the personalized plate on a small sports car driven by what (from my angle) looked like a decent young lady.

"SLEZZZY"

Lost her by the time I could turn around to follow and try to find out. :(

Joe Smalltown

04-30-09, 17:44

I saw a hottie driving a VW that said:

If your going to ride my ass at least pull my hair.

A John

04-30-09, 21:23

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is." The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is. The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!" The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's
backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Don't you just love lawyers