View Full Version : Jokes & Humorous Stories
Pages :
1
2
3
[
4]
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
R Consultant
06-02-08, 09:53
Do you think if I get new apron for her to wear and have this printed on it would help me get laid more often? Or just an little dream Im thinking of is probably the best that would happen knowing my luck.
Thanks for the laugh.
Happy Hunting..
HOW TO MAKE LOVE
Ingredients:
4 Laughing eyes
4 Well-shaped legs
4 Loving arms
2 Firm milk containers
2 Nuts
1 Fur-lined mixing bowl
1 Firm banana
Directions:
1. Look into laughing eyes.
2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.
3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently.
4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until well creamed. For best results. Continue to
knead milk containers.
5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts, leave to soak (preferably NOT overnight).
6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana does not soften, repeat steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.
Notes:
1. If you are in an unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and after use.
2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use.
3. If cake rises, leave town.
Today's Ebonic word from the Oakland Public School System
OMELETTE
Let's use it in a sentence:
'I should pop yo ass fo what you jus did, but omelette dis one slide.'
The Perfect Day - Her
8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale
9:30 Light Breakfast
11:00 Sunbathe
12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:45 Shopping
2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs
3:00 Facial, massage, nap
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 Make love
11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms
The Perfect Day - Him
6:45 Alarm.
7:00 Shower and massage.
7:30 Blowjob.
7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section.
8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys.
8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia.
9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens.
12:30 Blowjob.
12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini.
3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew (topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six Heinekens, nap.
6:15 Blowjob.
6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit.
7:30 Shit, shower, shave.
8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton's resignation. Hillary and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves graphic pictures and large farm animals).
9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare), Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963 (magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero
10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries
11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab and leave.
Midnight Blowjob.
Sleep
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home.
They are about to kiss each other goodnight, but the guy is feeling a little horny.
With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her "Darling, would you give me a blow job?"
Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
Him: "Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
Her: "No way. It's just too risky!"
Him (horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much!"
Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"
Her: "No, no. I just can't"
Him: "I beg you... "
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says:
"Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for god sake tell him to take his hand off the damn intercom button"
>
> A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible
>
> sunburn, specifically to his upper legs He went to the hospital, and
was
>
> promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
>
>
>
> With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was
in,
>
> the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline,
>
> electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
>
>
>
> The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do
for
>
> him, Doctor'?
>
>
>
> The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll
>
> keep the sheets off his legs.'
As many of you know, I had ambitions of finding a simple, ? Uncomplicated part time job after retiring from my 'day job'? Unfortunately, as I have gotten a little older, I have become a little less sensitive? So after? Landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day. About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance? As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Goo? D morning, and welcome to? Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins? ' The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they? Are not? Twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupi d? ' So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart. ' My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
I found a local prostitute who charges by the inch.
Obviously, I can't afford her but I thought it would be a cheap night for you guys.
Wireless91910
06-04-08, 20:19
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball.'
Man: 'That's nice'
Boy: 'Want to buy it?'
Man: 'No, thanks.'
Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'
Man: 'OK, how much?'
Boy: '$250'
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy: 'Dark in here.'
Man: 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'
Boy: '$750'
Man: 'Sold.'
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.'
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'
The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
Boy: '$1,000'
The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over charge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession.'
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again;
You're in my closet now.'
A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.
'Grandpa, what are you doing? You're weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?' he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, 'Well..last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck.
This is your grandma's idea..'
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex? ' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered,
'Is that one word or two?
A woman visited her plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. 'All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of th em.'
The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.! '
She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee
Dear "Walter the Advice Guy,"
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.
I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor lady. I am 32, my husband is 34, and we have been married for twelve years.
When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago, and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless.
I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore. Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Sheila
Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.
I hope this helps.
Walter the Advice Guy
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?'
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.
'I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that .. . In case I need to fix it again?'
Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'
'No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
I used to like Eric.............
1. Avoid Cutting Yourself When Slicing Vegetables By Getting Someone Else To Hold The Vegetables While You Chop.
2. Avoid Arguments With The Females About Lifting The Toilet Seat By Using The Sink.
3. For High Blood Pressure Sufferers ~ Simply Cut Yourself And Bleed For A Few Minutes, Thus Reducing The Pressure On Your Veins.
Remember To Use A Timer.
4. A Mouse Trap Placed On Top Of Your Alarm Clock Will Prevent You From Rolling Over And Going Back To Sleep After You Hit The Snooze Button.
5. If You Have A Bad Cough, Take A Large Dose Of Laxatives. Then You'll Be Afraid To Cough.
6. You Only Need Two Tools In Life - Wd-40 And Duct Tape. If It Doesn' T Move And Should, Use The Wd-40. If It Shouldn't Move And Does, Use The Duct Tape.
7. If You Can't Fix It With A Hammer, You've Got An Electrical Problem.
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no I'll effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, 'I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? '
'No, ' the woman replied. 'Divorce attorney'.
Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot.
At HD Mary saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while she was waiting for Walt, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.
When Walt was finished, Mary asked, "How much for that faucet?"
Walt replied, "That's pewter and it costs $300."
"My goodness that sure is a lot of money!" Mary exclaimed.
Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.
From the back room Walt yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?"
"No, but I will for the faucet."
... and this is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot.
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips on the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine all the yawns from the little princesses).
To demonstrate how difficult it had be! en to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers .. and then there are educators.
GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE :
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.
OLD IS WHEN:
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go a long.
3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!
Thoughts for the weekend:
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Del' and start all over?
If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Ponderisms
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?'
Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.'
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if he's going to look up there anyway?
So simple yet so profound.
Words of wisdom from that famous philosopher, Willie Nelson on his 75th birthday:
"I have outlived my dick."
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden on their Wyoming ranch. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. He thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.
'They're mating,' her father replied.
'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.
'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.
'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question, he replied 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat and said, 'Well, we're not having any of that Brokeback-Mountain shit in our garden.'
Nitelife Pro
06-13-08, 06:57
What do you call a Mexican hooker that doesnt charge?
A Freeholey!
A husband emerged from the bathroom, naked and was climbing into bed when
his wife complained, as usual ... "I have a headache".
"Perfect", her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis
with crushed asprin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to
you!"
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed.
They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would
just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought
a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked
up a couple of chickens and a
goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a
problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old
lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to
1603 Mockingbird Lane ?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my
farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry
this lot." The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in
the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and
carry the goose in your other hand?" "Why thank you very much," he said and
proceeded to walk the old girl home
On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley.
We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a
lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get
in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and
have your way with me?"
The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon
of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold
you up against the wall and do that?"
The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the
bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens ."
A guy had an interesting experience recently involving an "older" woman he met at a bar.
She looked pretty darn HOT for 62. She was drinking quite a bit and, while they were chatting, she came right out and asked him if he'd ever had a "sportsman's double". A mother and daughter threesome.
He said no, but she might be able to talk him into it. So she slams back one last drink, wipes her mouth and, looking directly into his eyes, says, "Tonight's your lucky night. "
So they go back to her place, she clicks on the hall light right as they enter her place, and she shouts upstairs:
"Mom! You still awake? "
1. The player will furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club, and two balls.
2. Owner of the course must approve equipment before play may begin.
3. Unlike regular golf, the object of the game is to get the club into the hole, while keeping the balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. The course owner may check the stiffness of the shaft before allowing play to commence.
5. Course owner reserves the right to restrict the shaft length, so as to avoid damage to the course.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as possible, until the course owner is satisfied.
7. Players are cautioned to play the correct hole, as indicated by the course owner.
8. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arriving at the course. Experienced players will admire the course, paying special attention to the well formed bunkers.
9. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.
10. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. Most advanced players find alternate means of play when this is the case.
11. It is considered outstanding form to play the hole several times in one match.
12. Course owners shall be the judge of who is the best player.
13. It is considered bad form to reveal your score to other players, or even that you have played the course.
14. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.
15. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled; particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they consider to be a private course.
16. Players are advised to obtain course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.
17. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the owners request.
This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible isn't it?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended. You gotta love the Marines!
An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day.
He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of
whiskey.
He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the
hitch rail.
As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a
young gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a
bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, 'Hey old
man, have you ever danced?'
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No, I never did
dance. I just never wanted to.'
A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, 'Well, you old
fool, you're gonna' dance now,' and started shooting at the old man's
feet. The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing.
When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and
turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both
hammers back making a double clicking sound. The gunslinger heard the
sound and everything got quiet. The crowd watched as the gunslinger
slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun.
The old man asked, 'Did you ever kiss a mule's ass?'
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, 'No. But I've always wanted to.'
The lessons from this story are:
1. Don't waste ammunition.
2. Don't mess with old people.
Elections from an Irish Point of View
"We, in Ireland, can't figure out why you are even bothering to hold an election in the United States.
On one side, you have a witch who is a lawyer, married to a lawyer, running against a lawyer who is married to a witch who is a lawyer.
On the other side, you have a war hero married to a good looking rich woman who owns a beer distributorship.
What the hell are you lads thinking over there? "
At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly
gentleman and an elderly lady
struck up a conversation and discovered that
they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed,
they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they
headed to the river to his fishing boat and
started out on their adventure.
They were riding down the river when there was a
fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,
'Do you want to go up or down?'
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt
and pants and made mad passionate love to the man
right there in the boat !
When they finished, the man couldn't believe
what had just happened, but he had just experienced
the best sex that he'd had in years.
They fished for a while and continued on down the
river, when soon they came upon another fork in the
river.
He again asked the lady , 'Up or down ?'
There she went again, stripped off her clothes,
and made wild passionate love to him again.
This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so
he asked her to go fishing again the next day.
She said yes and there they were the next day,
riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in
river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'
The woman replied, 'Down.'
A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman
guided the boat down the river when he came upon
another fork in the river and he asked the
lady,'Up or down ?'
She replied, 'Up.'
This really confused the gentleman so he asked,
'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked
you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad
passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'
She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing
my hearing aid and I thought the choices were
fuck or drown
A man checks into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He thought, I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo.
He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel. When back in the room he figures, what the heck, give her a call.
'Hello,' the woman says.....God, she sounded sexy.
'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.
We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want!
Now, how does that sound?'
She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.'
Married Life
After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it down over one breast, then the other, stopping just over her lower stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over and then in between her buttock and down her leg to her calf.
Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "That was wonderful. Why did you stop? "
"I found the remote, " he said.
How to install a wireless security system:
1) Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used work
boots, a really big pair.(13 or larger)
2) Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns and
Ammo magazine.
3) Put a dog dish beside it & a really big dish.
4) Leave a note on your front door that says something like this!
"Bubba, Big Mike and I have gone to get more ammo - back in 15
minutes.
Do Not disturb the Pitbulls, they've just been wormed and are mad as hell."
Signed, Billy Bob.
The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his
hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute
that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize
any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he
would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal.
The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the
drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to
his first animal skin.
After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear."
Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was
right.
They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk.
He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle.
He was right again.
Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a
round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to
sleep.
The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of
a shiner.
He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to
get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?"
His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your
hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced,
"Skunk, killed with an axe."
A man applies for a job at the Post Office.
The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?'
He says 'Yes - just caffeine'
'Have you ever been in the service?'
'Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years.'
The interviewer says, 'That will give you five extra points toward
employment,' and then asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?
The guy says, 'Yes 100%. An IED exploded near me and blew my testicles
off.'
The interviewer tells the guy, 'O.K. In that case, I can hire you right
now. Normal hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM. You can start tomorrow at
10:00
- and plan on starting at 10 AM every day.'
The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the hours are fr om 8 AM to 4 PM, why
don't you want me to be here before 10 AM?'
This is a government job,' the interviewer says. 'For the first two
hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No
point in you coming in for that.'
A recent study found the average American walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon.
Kind of makes you proud to be American!
Lorne checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely, so he thought I'd get one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.
Lorne had grabbed a woman's card when he called a cab to take him from the airport to the hotel. It was an ad for a girl named Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long, wavy hair, long graceful legs that went all the way up to her firm, shapely butt. So Lorne's in his room and figures, "What the hell, I'll giver her a call. "
"Hello? " the woman says. Gawd, she sounded sexy.
"Hi, " Lorne began. "I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot and I want it now! I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night. Tie me up, wear a strap-on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream. Anything you want, baby. Now, how does that sound? "
"That sounds fantastic, " she said, "But for an outside line you need to press 9. "
Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor.
Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.
She yelled out for her husband Bruce. "Bruce! Bruce!"
Bruce came running in.
"Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said.
"Strewth!" Bruce said and tried to pull her up.
"You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Cobber" (his mate).
They came back and they both tried to pull her up.
"No way, we can't do it" Cobber says "Lets try Plan B."
"Plan B" exclaimed Bruce. "What's that"?
"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under her." replied Cobber.
"Spot on" Bruce said
.
"While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her nipples."
"Play with her nipples"? Cobber says, "Not exactly a good time for that is it mate?"
"No" Bruce replied,
"But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive" .
Sexybldbbwfl
06-26-08, 10:59
Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married, and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives.
After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing.
The following week they met up again to compare notes.
Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday at the end of the work day I
went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I h ad on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad
passionate love on his desk right then and there!"
The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiance got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!
The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask, ready for action.
When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, "Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?"
Member #3278
06-26-08, 16:28
*******************
A young man goes into the Job Centre in Worcester
Massachusetts, and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's
Assistant. Interested he goes to learn more, "Can
you give me some more details about this?" he asks
the guy behind the desk.
The Job Centre man sorts through his files & replies -
"Oh yes here it is: The job entails you getting the lady
patients ready for the gynecologist. You have to help
them out of their underwear, lie them down and
carefully wash their genital regions. You then apply
shaving foam and gently shave off all their pubic hair
then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the
gynecologist's examination.
There's an annual salary of $45,000, but you're going
to have to go to Providence, Rhode Island. That's about 100 miles
from here."
"Oh why, is that where the job's at?"
"No sir - that's where the end of the line is!"
New Government Seal: Official Announcement: The federal government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed!
Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that.
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of
her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in
the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in
the 3rd grade too!'
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to
the principal what the situation was.
The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and
he agreed to take the test.
Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry: '9.'
Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry: '36.'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd
grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can
go to the 3rd grade.'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two
of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'
Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry: 'Pants.'
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'
Harry: 'Coconut. '
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and
sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop
the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting
down and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands.'
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: What word starts wit h an 'F' and ends in 'K'
that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
Harry: 'Firetruck.'
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put
Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....
A Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'
Maria: 'Well Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'
Wife (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Senora, the gardener did.'
SHE GOT THE RAISE!
A Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'
Maria: 'Well Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'
Wife (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Senora, the gardener did.'
SHE GOT THE RAISE!
Lorne checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely, so he thought I'd get one of those girls ... "That sounds fantastic, " she said, "But for an outside line you need to press 9. "
... do I still need an outside line?
A teacher was teaching her class to use good manners.
She asks a student, "Michael, if you were on a date, having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you needed to use the bathroom?"
He responded, "Just a minute, I have to go pee."
The teacher replied, "That would be rude and impolite! What about you John, how would you say it?"
"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."
The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not nice to use the word bathroom at the table. And you Peter, how would you show your good manners?"
Peter said with a smile, "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."
Baltimonger
06-29-08, 22:02
Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad
day........
My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
_____________________________
Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.
_______________________________
Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
What the hell was I thinking?'
__________________________________
Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.
___________________________________
How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?
___________________________________
I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you ..
I've changed my mind.
_______________________________________
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
_______________________________________
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.
_______________________________________
Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
______________________________________
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky & West Virginia )
_______________________________________
Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!
______________________________________
When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
______________________________________
We have been friends for a very long time ..
let's say we stop?
____________________________________
I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.
______________________________________
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
______________________________________
Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.
_____________________________________
So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay
Before you order a drink in public, you should read this!
Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.
The results:
Drink: Beer
Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll send YOU a drink..................
Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)
Personality: Cons ervative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.
Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually, she has NO clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...this should be an easy target.
Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!
Drink: Tequila
No explanations required - everyone just KNOWS what happens there.
THEN, there is the MALE addendum ----
The deal with guys is, as always, very simple e and clear cut:
Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid .
Wine: He is hoping that the wine will give hi m a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.
Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.
White Zinfandel: He's gay
18-54 math
A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:
To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore , after reading this letter I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please do not be upset. I shall be home before midnight.
When the man came home late that night he found the following letter on the dining room table:
To My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old.
As you know I am a Math Teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you're at the Comfort Inn, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18-years-old. As a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of math you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
Recently I was asked to play in a golf outing.
At first I said, "Naaahhh. "
Then they said to me, "Come on, it's for handicapped and blind kids".
Then I thought. Hell.- I could win this thing!
Barack Obama, the lead Presidential Democratic Party candidate, is for banning all guns in America . He is considered by those who have dealt with him as a bit more than just a little self-righteous.
At a recent rural elementary school assembly in EastTexas, he asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.
Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.'
Then, little Richard Earl, with a proud East Texas drawl, pierced the quiet and said: ''Well, dumb-ass, stop clapping!'
One day an old lady went to the doctors because she had
an itch in her crotch.
She told the doctor her problem and he said,
'You have the crabs.'
She informed the doctor that it could not be the
crabs because she was an eighty year old virgin.
She went to another doctor and
explained her problem to him.
The doctor said,
'You probably have the crabs'
'No' she said, 'I am an eighty
year old virgin.'
Frustrated, she went to a third
doctor.
She said, 'Doctor can you help
me? I have an itch in my crotch. Don't tell me that it is
the crabs because I am an eighty year old virgin. It can not be the
crabs.'
The doctor
said, 'Get on the table and let's have a look.'
After examining, the doctor proclaimed,
'Ma'am, your right, you do not have the crabs.'
'This cherry is sooooo old, you have fruit
flies.'
Warpig2000
07-03-08, 03:18
On the breasts of A barmaid from Wales
Was the prices of Spirits and Ales-
And on her behind
(For the Sake of the Blind)
Was the Same- But written in Braille ! :D
Only an Alabama man can make a woman feel like a woman!!!!!
A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.
One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane And screamed,
"I'm too young to die," she cried. Then she yelled,
"If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be
Memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?"
For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then a man from Alabama named "Billy Bob" stood up in the rear of the plane. He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes.
Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest. She gasped...
Then, he spoke... "Iron this -- and then get me a beer."
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask yo u a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"
A Texas Department of Water representative stopped at a ranch and talked
with an old rancher. He told the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for
your water allocation.'
The old rancher said, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'
The Water Rep. said, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government
with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH
on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made
myself clear? Do you understand?'
The old rancher nodded politely and went about his chores.
Later, the old rancher heard loud screams and saw the Water Rep. running for
the fence and close behind was the rancher's bull. The bull was gaining on
the Water Rep with every step.
The Rep was clearly terrified, so the old rancher immediately threw down his
tools, ran to the fence and shouted out...
Your card! Show him your card!'
A Touching Home Depot Story
Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new
hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot.
At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while she
was waiting for Walt, (the manager) to finish waiting on a customer.
When Walt was finished, Mary asked...'How much for that faucet?'
Walt replied, 'That's pewter and it costs $300.'
'My goodness that sure is a lot,' she exclaimed.
Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her
to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it. From the back room
Walt yelled, 'Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?'
Mary replied, 'No, but I will for the faucet.'
This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot
An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard; I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.
He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.
Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'
The next day he arrived for his nap, with a dif ferent note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 180 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE! "
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday, it's unlikely the body will be found.
I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.
Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan .
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
How Men and Women experience orgasm ...
http://www.santorine.org/adolph/ohyes.html
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken woman swigging her drink, as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asks, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed. 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she started drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.
'My God!' says my wife. 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
So you see, there really are two ways to look at everything ......
A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: 'God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa.'
The father asked, 'Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?'
The little girl said, 'I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.'
The next day grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: 'God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye
Grandma.' The next day the grandmother died.
'Holy mackerel! 'thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: 'God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy.'
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said 'I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?'
He said 'I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life.'
She said, 'You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf instructor dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!
The Blind Bunny
-------------------------
One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose.
'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.'
'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was my
fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you
coming. By the way what kind of animal are you?'
'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny. 'I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.'
So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear, twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit.'
The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But , by the way, what kind of animal are you?'
The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished the snake asked, 'Well, what kind of animal am I?'
The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, 'You're cold, you're slippery, and you haven't any balls............You must be a politician!'
Warpig2000
07-13-08, 12:09
Beer $10.35
Motel Room $39.99
Package of Condoms $ 2.75
Finding out that she swallows and has no gag reflex....
PRICELESS!
Fuck Mastercard .... IT PAYS TO DISCOVER!
THE MOVIE BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN
Ruined Things for Cowboys.
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex." "Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on."
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other in an airplane.
After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, 'Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?'
The rabbi responded, 'Yes, that is still one of our laws.'
The priest then asked, 'Have you ever eaten pork?'
To which the rabbi replied, 'Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.'
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, 'Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?'
The priest replied, 'Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.'
The rabbi then asked him, 'Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?'
The priest replied , 'Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.'
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.
Finally, the rabbi said, 'Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?
When I got home from work last night, my wife demanded that
I take her out to some place expensive...............
So I took her to a gas station!!!!!!!
PrivatStuff
07-15-08, 21:40
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to
apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter
asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I
looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would
have to go home and come back later. The woman said,
'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt
revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver
hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she
processed my Social Security application. When I got
home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office. She said, 'You should have
dropped your pants. Yo u migh t have gotten disability,
too.'
And then the fight started....
***********************************************************************
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were
alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of
his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo
stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I
couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which
one are you?'
And then the fight started.....
Surgeons
Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon, from New York says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second from Chicago responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon from Dallas says "No, I really think Librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
the fourth surgeon from Los Angeles chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers ...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."
But the fifth surgeon from Washington, DC shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine and the head and the ass are interchangeable!"
I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at my local bank. Short line, thank goodness.
Just one lady in front of me; an older Asian lady who was trying to exchange Japanese yen for dollars and she was a little irritated.
She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty? Why it change? ! '
The teller shrugged her shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations'
The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people, too'.
A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor.
"I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him:
"I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?", she asked.
"That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.
A man and woman are having marital
problems and so they go to see a Marriage counselor....
The counselor, in an attempt to find some common
ground from which to begin his analysis says; 'Well,
why don't we begin by one of you telling me about
anything the two of you have in common.'
The husband spoke up and said,
'Well, neither one of us will suck a dick!
A blind man wanders into an all Girls Biker Bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting
there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it's only fair, given that you're blind, that you should know five things:
1) The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2) The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3) I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4) The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5) The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously Mister, do you still wanna tell that joke?
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
'No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
! A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday. 'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again? '
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you dumb ass! '
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.
The
President of the society pointed to first drawing and said: 'This
is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem. You
can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a
donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals help them till
the soil.
The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had
tools to help them.'
Even
further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means
that i f a famine hit the earth and food didn't grow, they seek
food from the sea. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David
which means they were evidently Hebrews.
The
audience applauded enthusiastically.
Then
a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said,
'Idiots, Hebrew is read from right to left......
It says:
'Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Chick
Young Andy moved to Montana and bought a horse from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day he drove up and said, "Sorry, son, but I have some bad news. The horse died. " Andy replied, "Well, then, just give me my money back. " The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already. " Andy said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse. " The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him? " Andy said, "I'm going to raffle him off. " The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead horse! " Andy said, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead. " A month later, the farmer met up with Andy and asked, "What happened with that dead horse? " Andy said, "I raffled him off. I sold five hundred tickets at two dollars a piece and made a net profit of $998. " The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain? " Andy said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back. " Andy grew up and works for the government.
Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers.
He went to the emergency room in Cork's hospital. The doctor looked at Paddy and said, 'Lets be avin' da fingers and I'll see what oi can do'.
Paddy said, 'Oi haven't got da fingers. '
'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers? Lord Tunderin' Jesus, it's 2008!
We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and made
You like new! Why didn't ya bring da fingers? ! ? '
And Paddy said, ' How was I 'spose to pick dem up?
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, The man said: 'Father. During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic. ' The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that. '
'There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays. '
The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger. But two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven. '
'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question. ' 'And what is that? ' asked the priest.
'Should I tell her the war is over?"
My wife and I went to the Tennessee 4-H Stock fair and one of the first exhibits
we stopped at was the breeding bulls.
We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR.'
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs, smiled and said,
'He mated 50 times last year.'
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR..'
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW, that's more than twice a week!
You could learn a lot from him.'
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR.'
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs,
and said, 'That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one.'
I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'
The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm.
A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball.
It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete..
The attachment of human muscles to skin is what causes dimples.
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
If the average male never shaved, his beard would be 13 feet long when he died.
Men with hairless chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Side by side, 2000 cells from the human body could cover about one square inch.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate...
they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate!
Your ears secrete more earwax when you are afraid than when you aren't.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
The average woman is five inches shorter than the average man.
Still looking at your thumb, aren't you ?
You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit. Shorts with the hole in crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes. Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Wal-Mart to get something to help complete the job.
Depending on your age you might do the following:
In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. You went to school with the pretty girl running the register.
In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.
In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing. Put a sweat shirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.
In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dirt in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms. '
In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog shit off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in you pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.
In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they have your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog shit on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.
In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Wal-Mart. Go to Wal-Mart and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.
This useful tool is commonly found in the range of 8 inches long, the functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes. It is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action. It boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other.
In use, it is inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements.
Anyone found listening in will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some of from its long glistening shaft.
After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased emmanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax twice or three times a day, but often much less. Ah yes, such are the characteristics of one's toothbrush!
In a recent survey, people from Akron, Ohio have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower!
In the survey, carried out for leading toiletries firm 'Brut', a huge 86% of Akron residents said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower. The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison.
Doctor John had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: 'John, don't worry about it.
You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go, John.'
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality whispering,
"Doctor John You're a sick bastard, your a Veterinarian."
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the
other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his
word, he made the first contact, Elizabeth .....':
'Is that you, Steve?'
'Yes, I've come back like we agreed.'
'That's wonderful! What's it like?'
'Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's
off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then
have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of
greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the
rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and
then the next day it starts all over again.'
'Oh, Steve you surely must be in heaven!'
'Not exactly .. I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona.'
At the exact same time, there are two 30-year-old men on opposite sides of the earth:
1. One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers at the 85th floor.
2. The other is getting a blow job from an 85-year-old toothless woman.
They are both thinking the exact same thing.
What are they both thinking?
What ever you do, don't look down!
Seva Lurker
07-31-08, 06:36
Okay, while we are on the after life, here's one I heard long time ago while stationed in Arizona.
Back in the days of the old west, where the cavalry were there to come to the rescue, there was an old top kick sergeant stationed at some forgotten fort in Arizona. He'd been in the Army for years most of it in the barren desert south west. He finally did what all good soldiers do. He died and went to hell.
Well a couple of weeks after his demise, one of his troopers was in the quartermaster building and saw the old sergeant rummaging through the supplies.
Well the trooper was a bit taken aback, but finally asked the sergeant what he was doing there, he was supposed to be dead.
The sergeant replied he was and that after he'd died, he'd gone to hell. Now he was back to get a few blankets and such because it was cold down there.
HOW TO TREAT A WOMAN
Wine her. Dine her. Call her. Hold her. Surprise her.
Compliment her.
Smile at her. Listen to her. Laugh with her. Cry with her.
Romance her. Encourage her. Believe in her. Pray with her. Pray for her.
Cuddle with her. Shop with her. Give her jewelry. Buy her flowers. Hold
her hand. Write love letters to her. Go to the ends of the earth and
back again for her.
HOW TO TREAT A MAN:
Show up naked. Bring chicken wings. Don't block the TV.
This really works, try your cell # first to learn how to do it.
www.track-your-partner.com
EDITOR's NOTE: This report was orginally written in ALL CAPITAL LETTERING and thus it was edited it to normal case lettering. In the future, please do not write reports in ALL CAPITAL LETTERING. Thanks!
======================================
Hi A John,
I sincerely appreciate your contributions to the forum, but...
Would you please refrain from WRITING IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS!
It's difficult to read and it's time consuming to fix.
On behalf of myself and your fellow Forum Members: Thank You!
Jackson
A man is laying in bed with his new girlfriend.
After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his penis, something she seems to love to do.
Enjoying it, he turns and asks her, 'Why do you love doing that so much?'
She replies: 'Because I really miss mine'.
Mr. Steinberg's physician finished his examination and said, "Sol, I'm happy to say that you're completely healthy, with the heart function of a fifteen-year-old. " Mr. Steinberg went home and told his wife, "Doris, the doctor says my heart is in great shape. Tonight, we're going to have wild, passionate sex! "
Doris said, "Are you sure, Sol? At your age? I'd never forgive myself if you died while we're doing it. But if your doctor wrote a note verifying that everything is okay, well, then. Maybe. "
Mr. Steinberg was dejected and the next day he was back in his doctor's office. His doctor told him, "Sure, Sol, no problem, I'll write you a note. Let's see, 'My patient, Sol Steinberg, has the heart function of a fifteen-year-old and can have wild, passionate sex any time he so desires. Signed, Dr. Aaron Katz. ' Now, how do you want it addressed? What's your wife's name? "
"Uh. Doc, just make it 'To Whom It May Concern'.
Years ago, there was an old tale in the Marine Corps about a lieutenant who inspected his Marines and told the 'Gunny' that they smelled bad.
The lieutenant suggested that they change their underwear.
The Gunny responded, 'Aye,aye, sir, I'll see to it immediately'. He went into the tent and said, 'The lieutenant thinks you guys smell bad, and wants you to change your underwear.
Smith, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowskie, Brown, you change with Schultz. Get to it'.
The moral:
A candidate may promise change in Washington but don't count on things smelling any better.
The Irish Blonde
An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude. "
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes! "
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed "YES, YES, I WON, I WON! "
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll? " The other answered, "I don't know. I thought you were watching. "
Moral of the Story.
Not all Irish are stupid; not all blondes are dumb; but all men are men.
My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the Veterinarian. He found the problem was hair in its ears and cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub in it's ears once a month. The lady went to the drug store and got some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the druggist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days. " The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms. " The druggist said "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days. " The lady said, "I'm not using it on my legs either; and if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer. " The druggist said, "Stay off your bicycle for a week."
Men Are Just Happier People...
What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut , blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it
LordBlackAdder
08-14-08, 12:30
A president's pension currently is $191,300 per year. Assuming the next president lives to age 80. Senator McCain would receive ZERO pension as he would reach 80 at the end of two terms as president, if if lived that long. Senator Obama would be 54 after two terms and the taxpayers whould thus be on the hook for paying his pension for 26 years (assuming he also lived to age 80). he would thus receive $4,973,800 in pension.
Therefore it would certainly make economic sense to elect McCain in November.
How's that for non partisan thinking???
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
A lady stood and walked to the podium.
She said, "I have praise. Two months ago my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him. "
You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.
She continued. "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place. "
Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim. She continued. "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely. " All the men sighed with relief.
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say. A man rose and walked to the podium. He said, "I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife, the word is *sternum*.
The Associated Press
LONGVIEW, Texas --
A 35-year-old Texas woman has been jailed after police say she made her 12-year-old daughter drive her to a bar.
Police in Longview say they watched a minivan turn into a driveway without signaling on Wednesday and bump into a home at a low speed. They say the car was driven by Jennifer Lynn Rosenberg's daughter.
Police say the girl told an officer she had just dropped her mother off at a bar. They say they found Rosenburg at the bar and that she admitted having her daughter drive her there.
Rosenburg remains in the Gregg County Jail on a $2,500 bond. A jail official declined to say whether she had an attorney.
A spokeswoman for Child Protective Services told the Longview News-Journal that the agency is investigating.
I have enjoyed working here these past several years. You have paid me very well, given me benefits beyond belief. I have 3-4 months off per year and a pension plan that will pay my salary till the day I die and a health plan that most people can only dream about. Despite this I plan to take the next 12-18 months to find a new position. During this time I will show up for work when it is convenient. In addition, I fully expect to draw my full salary and all the other perks associated with my current job. And if my search for this new job proves fruitless, I will be back with no loss in pay or status. Before you say anything, remember that you have no choice in the matter. I can and will do this.
Sincerely, Every Senator or Congressman running for President.
A little old lady from Wisconsin had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation.
When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in approximately the 1940s, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan. The producers wanted a rhyme beginning with 'Carnation Milk is best of all.'
She thought to herself, I know all about milk and dairy farms.
I can do this!
She sent in her entry, and several weeks later, a black limo pulled up in front of her house.
A man got out and said, 'Carnation LOVED your entry so much, we are here to award you $2,000 even though we will not be able to use it!'
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there? "
"We're taking Continental", was the reply. "We got a great rate! " "Continental? " exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline! Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome? "
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste. " "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced. So, whatcha' doing when you get there? "
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope. "
"That's rich, " laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it. "
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. "It was wonderful, " explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge! "
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope. "
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me. "
"Oh, really! What'd he say? "
He said: "Where'd you get the shitty hairdo? "
Last night we went to a party at our local senior center. The last Saturday of every month, they have an evening potluck supper. We usually eat, play bingo, reminisce, and drink a little wine and talk about the good ole days....
We heard Selma Martin's grandson is staying with her for a few weeks. It's rumored he got in a scrap over some marijuana with the law out in Phoenix and he came to Denton to avoid the heat.
Anyway, Selma is known for her delicious Brownies and she always bakes up a quadruple batch for each get-together. She makes enough for everyone and some for folks to take one home for later.
For some reason they were extra good this week and every last one of them was eaten. Not a one left over. We later found out that Selma's grandson, Butch, laced the brownies with some of his marijuana.
Knowing this, I guess it offers a logical reason for everyone feeling good that night. By the time Zeke put on the bunny hop record, everyone was in a real good mood and it was the first time the whole place got up and danced..............
That is, until the cops came to check all the noise complaints.
Well, that's another story.....................
1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I don't remember, what I chose.
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.
6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth.
7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.
8. Virginity can be cured.*
9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.*
10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.*
11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small .*
12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.*
13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?* A: The same thing as a French kiss, only
down under.*
14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.
15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.*
16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
17... Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your
troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives !
Ed and Dorothy met while on vacation and Ed fell head over heels In 'Like' with her.
But after a couple of weeks wherein Ed took Dorothy out to various dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, etc. , he was convinced that it was true love.
And so. On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how the relationship would continue.
"It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut, " Ed said to his newfound lady friend, "I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's going to be a problem, you'd better say so now! "
"Dorothy took a deep breath and responded: "Since we're being honest with each other, here goes. You need to know that I'm a hooker"
"I see", Ed replied, looked down at the table, and was quiet for a moment, deep in thought.
Then he added, "You know, it's probably because y ou're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off."
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving 20 blocks away from his home and leaving him in a park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: 'Jen, is the cat there?' 'Yes,' the wife answers, 'why do you ask?' Frustrated, the man answered, 'Put that son of a ***** on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!'
The cat's response:
I bet this has happened
http://thetube.watchersweb.com/thetube/mediadetails.php?key=3fac9b6ddafa3833c478&title=Hard+to+explain
John McCain and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barber shop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a
word was spoken.
The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would
turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had
Barack in his chair reached for the after shave.
Obama was quick to stop him saying, " No thanks, my wife Michelle will
smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse".
The second barber turned to John and said "how about you?"
McCain replied "Go ahead, my wife Cindy doesn't know what the inside of
a whorehouse smells like."
6 kids
A man boarded a plane with 6 kids.
After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting
across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked,
'Are all of those kids yours?'
He replied, 'No. I work for a condom company. These are
customer complaints.'
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one
morning.
The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and
wasn't even short of breath.The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's
stamina
and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said "Well, I eat rye bread every day.
It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the
ladies."
So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the
bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He
said, "Do you have any rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves... by the time you get to the 5th loaf,
it'll
be hard."
He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this
shit
but me."
A husband and wife were sitting watching TV when he turned to his wife and
said, "Honey, tell me something that will make me Happy and Sad all at
the same time."
She said ."You have the biggest dick of all your friends."
The Associated Press, 8/21/2008
MILWAUKEE --
Police say a 37-year-old Wisconsin woman celebrated her birthday by helping her 17-year-old son rob two gas stations.
Police say the mother acted as the getaway driver, while her son robbed the stations in Milwaukee and Greenfield, Wisconsin, at gunpoint.
Authorities say the teen was visiting from Chicago for his mother's birthday.
The woman's three other children, a 13-month-old girl and 10- and 14-year-old boys, were also in the vehicle. Greenfield Deputy Inspector Bradley Wentlandt says they've been turned over to the Bureau of Milwaukee Child Welfare.
Authorities say the woman and her 17-year-old son are being held at the Milwaukee County Jail. The district attorney hasn't yet filed charges. - rosco
BY CAROLYN P. SMITH, BND.com, 8/21/2008
EAST ST. LOUIS --
Police say a 19-year-old employee of a State Street grocery store was working at more than stocking shelves.
The suspect, whose identity was being withheld by police Wednesday pending charges, worked as a stocker at Schnucks, 2511 State St., police said. He recently approached a customer and tried to sell him narcotics -- the customer happened to be a police officer. Does this guy have pork 'n' beans for brains {Lol}
"The officer was not in uniform and the suspect didn't recognize him as a policeman," Detective Sgt. Jerry Simon said.
The astonished officer exchanged his phone number with the suspect, left the store, then reported the incident to the police department, Simon said.
Simon and Detective Andre Henson who works with an FBI task force [Now he's in real trouble], handled the investigation.
The officer, whose identity also is being withheld, set up a drug buy from the suspect Tuesday afternoon.
"They scheduled a meeting time," Simon said. "On his break, the suspect came out of the store, got into the undercover policeman's car and sold him some crack cocaine and ecstasy."
Other officers, who were in a waiting position on the store's parking lot moved in and arrested the suspect at 7:30 p.m. The suspect is an East St. Louis resident, and had worked at the store for about nine months, Simon said.
Simon said management at the store "was very cooperative."
"They do not condone this kind of activity at their store," [They don't?] Simon said.
The suspect was being held Wednesday at the East St. Louis Police Department pending charges. - rosco
The request
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,
P. Niss
The Response:
Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,
V. Gina
Mr. John: as the attorney for Mr. P. Niss let's be honest, Mr P. Niss is only in this job for himself. He provides no benefit to V. Gina except to plant seeds.
In light of that, Mr. Niss has agreed to allowing his assistant, Mr. Ton-gue to take on the most important task of giving V. Gina assistance in the area of gratification enhancement.
Please review the attached addendum to his employment agreement which allows Mr Ton-gue to get involved on a regular bases from now on.
I see no reason for V. Gina to take further action against Mr. Niss.
LordBlackAdder
08-25-08, 22:11
The Presidential election was too close to call. Neither the Republican candidate nor the Democratic candidate had enough votes to win.. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the sportsmanlike way to settle things. The candidate that caught the most fish at the end of the week would win the election.
Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the winner.
After much of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest take place on a remote frozen lake in northern Minnesota .
There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this isolated lake and return at 5 P.M. with their catch for counting and verification by a team of neutral parties. At the end of the first day, John McCain returned to the starting line and he had caught just two fish. Obama’s supporters were certain their man could beat this small number
Soon, Obama returned and had no fish. Well, everyone assumed he was just having bad day or something and hopefully, he would catch up the next day.
At the end of the 2nd day John McCain had a much better day he returned with 5 fish. Obama repeated his performance from the previous day and once again had caught no fish.
That evening, Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi, got together secretly with Obama and said, "Obama, we think John McCain is a low-life, cheatin' bastard. We want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see just how he is cheating." Obama said “I always thought McCain was honourable, but I’ll watch him just to make sure.”
The next night (after John McCain had a much better day returning with 10 fish), Harry and Nancy confromted Obama, "Well, tell us, how is John McCain cheating?"
Obama replied, "You two were right! McCain is cheating I know you’ll find this hard to believe, but he's cutting holes in the ice!"
'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'
'Yes. What can I do for you?'
'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there.'
'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'
The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the f irewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?'
'Yeah!'
'Did they chop your firewood?'
'Yep!'
'Happy Birthday, buddy!'
My internist referred me to a female urologist.
I saw her yesterday and she is gorgeous.
She's beautiful and unbelievably sexy.
She told me that I have to stop masturbating.
I asked her why and she said, ' Because I'm trying to examine you...'
You better go pee before you read this one! I want one! Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this: Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100, 000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5 inchs long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, no possible way! What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit, ' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and. HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE HELL! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative? SON-OF-A-*****, THAT HURT LIKE HELL! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return! P.S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it! If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.
KC Questor
08-27-08, 20:48
There are tons more at http://www.jj1.com
LordBlackAdder
08-29-08, 12:25
All of the Wal-Marts across Alabama, South Carolina, Florida*and Tennessee sold out of ammunition as of yesterday. A reliable source said that one of the purchasers commented that while Russia may have invaded Georgia, they sure as hell ain't doin' it to Tennessee without a fight.
LordBlackAdder
08-29-08, 12:37
Before the senate let out for break, seantor Obama’s family arrived at the Capitol to pick him up. Senator McCain ran into them and one of Senator Obama’s daughters told him that soemday she was going to be president just like her father was.
Not wanting to bring up the fact that the election had not been held yet, Mccain asked her: "If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?"
She replied, "I'd give houses to all the homeless people."
"Wow - what an admireable goal." he told her, "But you don't* have to wait*until you're President to do that. You can come over*to my house and*mow the lawn, pull weeds and clean up my yard.”
“Why would I want to do that?” was her quick reply.
“I'll pay you $50.” answered McCain
Her eyes lit up at the thought of making $50, but then she asked “But how does that help the homeless people have houses?”
McCain then replied, when you are done I will take you out and we will go find a homeless person. when we find him or her you can give him the $50 you worked for, and you can tell him he can use toward a new house."
She had to think that over for a few seconds.
With both her parents now listening in on the conversation she glared at senator McCain straight in the eye and asked:
"Why doesn't the homeless guy come over to your house and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"
McCain replied, "With thinking like that looks like you will be running as a Republican."
Today I had to replace light bulbs in the kitchen. But I felt a little clumsy standing on a ladder.
So, I asked a neighbor to help. Then I held the ladder while the bulbs were being replaced.
Getting older doesn't mean getting stupid....
Today I had to replace light bulbs in the kitchen. But I felt a little clumsy standing on a ladder.
So, I asked a neighbor to help. Then I held the ladder while the bulbs were being replaced.
Getting older doesn't mean getting stupid....John,
Call her to clear your plumbing! Oh Yeh!
If you don't laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma! This is even funnier when you realize it's real!
Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy. 0ARob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103. 2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest.
Needless to say, she won.
Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.
As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this:
We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20, 000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.
What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods =0 Amy whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn.
I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.
The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.
Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.
As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.
The cream put the fire out, but20I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.
Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job. '
Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?
May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!
A man called home to his wife and said, ' Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends . We'll be gone for a week.
This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box? We're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up'. ' Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas. '
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.
The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish.
He said, 'Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you?'
The wife replied, 'I did. They're in your tackle box .
PS
This is a joke but not realy. This happend too a friend after his return from Central America, so rember to look in too everything! We actually started chartering boats, taking about three or four days worth of close with us. Every time someone would catch a fish we would take photographs get the close fishy smelling then change into fresh ones giving us a few days of photographs of fishing.
This is a joke but not realy. This happend too a friend after his return from Central America, so rember to look in too everything! We actually started chartering boats, taking about three or four days worth of close with us. Every time someone would catch a fish we would take photographs get the close fishy smelling then change into fresh ones giving us a few days of photographs of fishing.
You don't need to look into EVERYTHING -- just everything connected with your supposed activity. If you go "hunting" for a week, spend at least one day actually hunting! Your gun and gear will look used, you'll catch any "pajamas in the tacklebox", and with luck, you may even bring a rack home! Of course, if you don't know which end of a gun is which, "hunting" excuse won't fly.
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He asks, 'What are you doing? ' She answers, 'I'm moving to Nevada. I heard that the prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free. '
Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies, 'I'm coming too.
I want to see how you live on $800 a year.
It's Mine
"Give it here!"
"NO. It's MINE!"
"I said, let me have it!"
"NO! It's MY turn!"
"C'mon! Give it to me!"
"NO WAY!"
(Siamese twins jacking off)
As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection: a thick slab of ham on a fresh bun with crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive,
Light brown, Gourmet Mustard.
The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands, but
Was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.
'Here, hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich, ' she said.
I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak
Of mustard on my fingers.
I love mustard.
I had no napkin.
I licked it off.
It was not mustard.
No man ever put a baby down faster.
It was the first and only time I have sprinted
With my tongue protruding out.
With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue.
Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my wife Said, 'Now you know why they call that fancy mustard 'Poupon.''
A woman is in a grocery store and happens upon a grandpa and his poorly
behaving
3 year-old grandson. At every turn. Its obvious gramps has his hands full
with the kid
screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; same
for fruit,
cereal and soda. Meanwhile gramps is working his way around saying in a
controlled
voice, "Easy Albert, we won't be long, easy boy"
Another outburst and she hears gramps calmly say, "It's OK Albert, just a
couple more
minutes and we'll be outta here, hang in there.
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items from the cart and
gramps again in a
controlled voice is saying, "Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don't get upset --
we'll be home
in five minutes; stay cool, Albert".
Very impressed the woman goes up to gramps as he's loading the kid and the
groceries into the car and says, "You know sir, it's none of my business,
but you were
amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. The whole time you kept your
composure
and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying
things would
be OK. Albert is very lucky to have you for his grandpa".
"Thanks, lady," said gramps, "but I'm Albert -- the little bastard's name
is Johnny".
A penguin decided to migrate from the southern tip of South America to the Arctic Circle as he was driving through Arizona the air conditioning in his car stopped working and he began to sweat profusely. He pulled into a small town and found a mechanic. The mechanic assured him he would find the problem shortly. The penguin said he had to get something cold to eat or drink as he was burning up in the desert heat. The mechanic directed him to an ice cream shop around the corner. The penguin went in and ordered a large bowl of vanilla ice cream but he only had flippers and he could not manipulate the spoon so in desperation he just dove into the bowl with his face and slurped down the ice cream . When he returned to the garage the mechanic said " it looks like you just blew a seal " to which the penguin indignantly sputtered " I did not thats ice cream ".
A young farm couple, Homer and Darlene, got married and just couldn't
seem to get enough lovin'. in the morning, before Homer left the house
for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields for lunch,
they made love, after supper, they made love, Again at bedtime, they made love.
The problem was their nooner: it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another
half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't getting enough work done.
Fianlly Homer asked the town doctor what to do. "Homer," said the doctor,
"Just take your rifle out to the fields with you and when you're in the mood, fire off a
shot into the air. That will be Darlene's signal to come out to you. Then you won't lose
any field time."
They tired Doc's advice and it worked well for a while until one day, when Homer
came back to the doctor's office. "What's wrong?" asked the Doc.
"Didn't my idea work?"
"Oh, it worked good," said Homer. "Whatever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot
like you said and Darlene'd come runnin'. We'd find a secluded place, make love,
and then she'd go back home again."
"Good, Homer, So what's the problem?" asked the Doc.
"I ain't seen her since huntin season started!"
Why do women have two sets of lips?
One set is to "*****" with & the other set is to "apologize" with.
'Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So - if you give her any crap, you will receive, a ton of shit.!
A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order. ' The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
'Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a margarita. '
After 3 or 4 margaritas, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more margaritas. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS. ' The friends were aghast and gave the woman their condolences.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS. ' The woman said, 'I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'
Underwear Dust
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife,
'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it
would take a few inches off of your butt!' His wife was not amused,
and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his
drawer. 'What the heck
is this??' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when
he shook them out. April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did
you
put talcum powder in my underwear?'
She replied...'It's not talcum powder.....it's 'Miracle Grow'.
The minister had just had all of his remaining teeth
pulled and new dentures were being made.
The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes.
The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.
But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.
When asked about this by some of the congregation,
he responded this way:
The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk.
The second Sunday, my new dentures were still
hurting me a lot.
The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's
dentures... and I couldn't shut up.'
A lady who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband's lack of interest in sex. She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their sexual relationship, and finally decided to purchase some crotchless underwear she had seen in a lingerie shop.
One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous, and he was, as usual, watching football on TV, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned the crotchless undies, and a slinky negligee. She then strolled between her husband and the television, and suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair arm.
'Want some of this? ' she purred.
'Are you kidding? ' he replied.
'Look what it did to your underwear.'
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
'Not a chance, ' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning! ' He slams the door and returns to bed.
'Who was that? ' asked his wife.
'Just some drunk guy asking for a push, ' he answers.
'Did you help him? ' she asks.
'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there! '
'Well, you have a short memory, ' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! '
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you stillthere? '
'Yes, ' comes back the answer.
'Do you still need a push? ' calls out the husband.
'Yes, please! ' comes the reply from the dark.
'Where are you? ' asks the husband.
'Over here on the swing' replied the drunk.
Pancakes
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a huge stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "All those for me?"
"Just take two," Brenda replied.
"The rest are for your father."
Old Timers
Two guys, one old timer and one young guy, are pushing their carts around Lowe's when they collide. The old timer says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.
'The young guy says, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate. ' The old guy says, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like? '
The young guy says, 'Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like? ' The old timer says. 'Doesn't matter.-- let's look for yours. '
Most Old timers are helpful like that!
When I was younger I hated
going to weddings.
It seemed that all of my aunts
and the grandmotherly types
used to come up to me, poke
me in the ribs and cackle,
telling me, 'YOU'RE NEXT'.
They stopped that shit after
I started doing the same thing
to them at funerals
Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead sees her boyfriend buying her flowers.
The Redhead sighs and says 'Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again.'
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says 'You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?'
The redhead replies: 'I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers —and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air!'
The blonde says: 'Gee, don't you have a vase?'
A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" she asked.
"That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."
According to the U.S. Census Bureau:
9,000 people are screwing right now,
2,000 are kissing.
100 are getting head, and
1 lonely person is reading jokes.
You hang in there, Sunshine!
Have you ever heard that a dog 'knows' when an earthquake is about to hit?
Have you ever heard that a dog can 'sense' when a tornado is stirring up, even 20 miles away?
Do you remember hearing that before the December tsunami struck Southeast Asia, dogs started running frantically away from the seashore, at breakneck speed?
Do you know that dogs can detect cancer and other serious illnesses and danger of fire?
Somehow they always know when they can 'go for a ride' before you even ask and how do those dogs and cats get home from hundreds of miles away?
I'm a firm believer that animals - and especially dogs - have keen insights into the Truth.
And you can't tell me that dogs can't sense a potentially terrible disaster well in advance.
Simply said, a dog just KNOWS when something isn't right .. . when impending doom is upon us . . they'll always try to warn us.... !!
A blonde is showing off her new tattoo of a giant seashell on her inner thigh.
Her friends ask her why she would get such a tattoo and in that location.
She responds, 'It's really cool. If you put your ear up against it, you can smell the ocean.'
A married couple goes to a marriage counsellor to work out some problems.
The counsellor sits them on the couch and says "For starters, let's talk about
something you both have in common."
The husband says "Well, neither of us suck dick."
One day, long, long ago there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or *****.
But this was a long time ago.............and it was just that one day.
The End
Have you ever heard that a dog 'knows' when an earthquake is about to hit? . !!
No, never heard that one but Confusious say, "Man who follows dog to closely usually ends up with his nose stuck deep in shit!"
Four years of Palin/McCain (intentional) will get us deeper in more shit than we already are in. NO WAY!
NC Hunter
According to the U.S. Census Bureau:
9,374 people are fucking right now,
2,130 are kissing.
234 are getting head,
and
1 lonely fucker is reading emails.
You hang in there, Sunshine
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.
Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.
He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.
'They're mating,' her father replied.
'What do you call the spider on top?' s he asked.
'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.
'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment then took her foot and stomped them flat, saying 'Well, we're not having any of that brokeback mountain shit in our garden.'
Brings a tear to your eye...doesn't it?
Orville and Steve are quietly sitting in a boat fishing
drinking beer when suddenly Steve says,
I think I'm gonna divorce my wife she ain't spoke to
me in over 2 months.
Orville sips his beer and says, "Better think it over...
women like that are hard to find"!
Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are you?', demanded Dave, 'And what are you doing in my bedroom?'
The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.'
Dave was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much to live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . You've got to send me back straight away.'
St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.
We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'
Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around, pecking the ground.
'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said,
'So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here ?'
'It's not so bad', replies Dave, 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode.'
'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before.'
'Never', replies Dave.
'Well just relax and let it happen'.
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . Ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...
'Dave, wake up, you drunken bastard. You've shit the bed!!
The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60 perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Only when he's been drinking."
Country Chuckle
http://videos.komando.com/2008/02/20/
LordBlackAdder
09-25-08, 12:08
Russia has condemned the left-wing and inherently ‘un-capitalist’ intervention of the American government in the free market after the state takeover of a number of US banks and mortgage companies.
‘It’s goddamn Communism, period!’ said a spokesman for the Kremlin. Once them politicians start trying to run the banks and markets, them no-good Commies will be taking over everything. Why do you think there are so many billionaires in Russia? Because of the very economic freedoms that the United Soviet States of America are trying to stop.’
However in Washington, the lurch to the left continued. Wearing a little furry hat and a lot of medals, Comrade George Bush waved rather feebly on the balcony of the Glorious People’s White House and later gave a seven hour speech demanding more state control of the financial markets and for his cabinet to have bushier eye-brows. ‘All power to the glorious Soviets!’ he declared ‘We will strengthen our base in Communist Cuba!’
However political analysts have said that it is over simplistic to describe the current situation as a straight forward reversal of the last Cold War. ‘I, mean it’s not as if America has invaded Afghanistan or anything. Oh, hang on…’
LordBlackAdder
09-25-08, 12:20
Two of the world’s largest and most respected financial institutions have been granted permission to switch their status from investment banks to super-casinos, offering customers the chance to put their savings into roulette, black jack and Texas Hold ‘em.
Investors at Morgan Stanley and Goldman Sachs will now have their pension funds and mortgages placed on a roulette table, and returns will be based on whether the ball lands on black or red. The move resulted in improved stability in the markets, as some investors saw a slight return on their investments, compared to the universal meltdown of the week before.
The status switch comes after a suprise ruling made yesterday by US Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson and will allow the two remaining major investment banks to diversify into a ‘wider risk portfolio’. Today in Wall Street, attractive girls dressed in skimpy clothing were outside the bank offering traders a free cocktail if they went inside to try their luck on the tables. Investors were also invited to dine at the banks, where later on they would be entertained by Neil Diamond. Small investors are being told to deposit their money in one of the machines in the entrance to the bank and then pull the lever on the right. The return on their investment now depends on the number of bells that line up in the display panel. As always, customers are reminded that investments may go down as well as up.
In Britain, the Chancellor followed suit by allowing the merger of Lloyd’s TSB and the Copper Cascade Amusement Arcade at Blackpool. The chairman of the bank Sir Giles Cruddock has swapped his City of London office for a little kiosk on the pier, where he now dispenses change and occasionally points at a sign saying that players must be over 16. ‘A lot of our capital is now tied up in two pence coins that look as if they are all about to tumble into the dispenser. We are saying to our customers at this worrying time, ‘keep putting more and more coins in the copper cascade, because you must be due a massive pay out any time now.’ Oi, don’t nudge the machine!’
The Speaking Clock
Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show off his new apartment.
After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.
"Why, that's my Speaking Clock" the man replied.
"How does it work?"
"I'll show you," said the man, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer.
Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, "For, fu*king sake, you bastard, it's twenty to two in the fu*king morning!!"
A couple was invited to a swanky costume Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party.
Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husban d to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife slid up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a li t tle bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: "- Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
- "Did you dance much?"
- "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to......."
WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST
The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning when she asked the question,
'When you die and go to Heaven...which part of your body goes first?'
Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands'.
'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'
Suzy replied, 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first'.
'What a wonderful answer!' the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said,
'Sister, I think it's your feet'.
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. 'Now,Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'
Little Johnny said, 'Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night, Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying,
'Oh! God, I'm coming!
'... and if Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her'.
The Nun fainted
Built this list during some down time. Hope you get a kick of it.
10. you have a TER and USASG account
09. you have a preferred411 and datecheck account
08. you answer by the name "baby"
08. you name your daughters something ending with a Y (ie. cindy, mandy, sunny, stacy)
07. you can speak a little korean, thai, chinese, or vietnamese
06. you have an unblocked cell phone number
05. you always leave your money in an unmarked envelope on a table
04. you always smell like you've just taken a shower
03. you call everyone twice
02. you leave your wallet in the car
01. you take ATM withdrawals in increments of 160(180 due to inflation)
Copy this link in the text file below into your browser,,,the auto edit won't let it post here....Now that's some funny stuff.
T. B. Bechtel, a part-time City Councilman from Midland , TX , was asked on a
local live radio talk show, just what he thought of the alleg ations of torture
of the Iraqi prisoners.
His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause
from the audience.
'If hooking up an Iraqi prisoner's balls to a car's battery cables will
save one Texas GI's life, then I have just three things to say,
Red is positive,
Black is negative,
Make sure his balls are wet.'
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids. ' Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my ass with wet celery? 'She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.
Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother. 'Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!'
Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, 'it reminded me of a peanut.'
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked.
'Really small, was it?'
Sally replied, 'No.....Salty.'
Why I do not like the inexperienced girl.
http://toilette-humor.com/female_hu...p/ketchup.shtml
Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men. That night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes
After a few days they meet again.
The engaged girlfriend said: "The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4" stilettos and mask. He said, "You are the woman of my life, I love you. Then we made love all night long. "
The mistress stated: "Oh Yes! The other night we met in the office. I Was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex all night. "
The married one then said: "The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, "Hey Batman, what's for dinner? "
Ya think you have lived to be 60 and know what you are....then along comes
someone and blows it all to the dickens!
An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows,
going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring
calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding
my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As
soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I
think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think
about women when I eat. It seems that everything make s me think of
women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy
and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a
lesbian.'
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at
him.. She says hello.
He's rather taken aback because he can't place
where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she
replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful
to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party
that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching
while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's Teacher.'
A woman was helping her husband set up his new computer, and at the appropriate time in the process, told him he would now need to enter a password, something he would use to log-on.
Her husband was in a mood and thought he would try the shock effect to get his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in: P...E...N...I...S...
His wife fell out of her chair laughing when the computer replied....
***PASSWORD INVALID...........NOT LONG ENOUGH***
Once upon a time, in a place overrun with monkeys, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, they became harder to catch, so the villagers stopped their effort. The man then announced that he would now pay $20 for each one. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. But soon the supply diminished even further and they were ever harder to catch, so people started going back to their farms and forgot about monkey catching. The man increased his price to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so sparse that it was an effort to even see a monkey, much less catch one. The man now announced that he would buy monkeys for $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on his behalf.
While the man was away the assistant told the villagers, "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has bought. I will sell them to you at $35 each and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each." The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys. They never saw the man nor his assistant again, and once again there were monkeys everywhere.
Now you have a better understanding of how our stock market works.
Viper92552
10-06-08, 16:40
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one.
Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of
them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says,"So you're a
man; that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow,just look at our cars!
There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be
a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live
together in peace for the rest of our days."
Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"
"This must be a sign from God!"
The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle.
My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't
break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good
fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in
agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it
back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and
hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
........ were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie.
As they start their descent Cooter slips,
falls off the tower and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away,
Ronnie says, 'Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife.'
Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.
'Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?' '
Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Ronnie replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?'
'Well, not exactly', Donnie says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Cooter's widow".'
She said, 'You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow.'
Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'
Rednecks Are Good At This Sensitive Shit
HELLO OPERATOR
Actual call center conversations!
Customer: 'I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through; can you help?'
Operator: 'Where did you get that number, sir?'
Customer: 'It's on the door of your business.'
Operator: 'Sir, those are the hours that we are open.'
Samsung Electronics
Caller:'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.'
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.'
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am traveling in Australia ?'
Operator: 'Does the product name give you a clue?'
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe )
'If I register my car in France , and then take it to England , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'
Directory Enquiries
Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off.'
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland . '
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: 'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.'
Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.'
Customer: 'OK.'
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.'
Tech Support: 'OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer: 'Wow! How can you see my screen from there?'
The Recipe
I knew it......I knew it!
I knew they would finally release the ingredients in Viagra!
3% Vitamin E
2% Aspirin
2% Ibuprofen
1% Vitamin C
5% Spray Starch
87% Fix-A-Flat
Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her
husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his
wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that
he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10
best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
Friendship
When you are sad, I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the scum sucking bastard/***** who made you sad.
When you are scared, I will laugh at you and tease you about it every chance I get.
When you are worried, I will tell you how much worse it could be and to quit complaining.
When you are confused, I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass.
When you are sick, I will hold your hair while you pay homage to the porcelain god.
When you fall, I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
This is my oath; I pledge till the end.
Why you may ask? Because you're my friend.
LordBlackAdder
10-09-08, 00:16
Police investigating spam emails which purport to offer ways to 'Legally Erase Your Credit Card Debt' have revealed that they are not actually a scam.
Concerns were raised after millions of the messages were sent out from email addresses in Nigeria.
There were fears that the spammers were staging a massive scam in an attempt to defraud unwitting internet users.
But now Scotland Yard has acted to reassure worried members of the public.
Detective Superintendent Graham Strange said: 'We looked at these emails very closely.
'A typical message might say something along the lines of: "Greetings brother. My name is Elijah Petit St Jacques Borea from Nigeria, and I am here to tell you how you can get rid of all your credit card debts completely legally my friend.
"The answer is simple: just agree with your bank that you will pay off £1000 per month and, in no time at all, I guarantee you will be free of your debts. Praise the Lord!" '
It was 'just a good piece of advice from someone with a sound grasp of financial good sense and a concern for others', said Supt Strange. 'They go on to point out that if you had enough savings, you could simply pay the whole amount owed off in one go,' he added. 'Other suggestions include thinking carefully about whether you can afford things before you actually buy them and making sure you pay off the balance each month to avoid interest charges.'
Profound Comments
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
A woman was in a coma, she had been in it for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath.
One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.
They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognizable movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, ''As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma. ''
The husband was skeptical, but they assured that they'd close the curtains for privacy.
The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate at all. The nurses run back into the room. ''What happened! ? '' they cried.
The husband said, ''I'm not sure. Maybe she choked''
Pfizer Announcement
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone.'
'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?'
His wife replies, 'Margie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat,
' I do not have a headache '
' I do not have a headache '
' I do not have a headache '
Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone.'
Well, that is wonderful' proclaims the husband.
His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that? '?
Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, 'WOW! - that was wonderful!'
The husband says, 'Don't move! I will be right back.'
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning ' OH MY GOD ' She proclaims.
Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying.
'She's not my wife '
'She's not my wife '
'She's not my wife ' .
'She's not my wife '
His funeral service will be held on Saturday.
Dear Wife,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365
times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every
ten days.
The following is a list of why I did not succeed more
often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move
KEEP READING.......
=====================================================
TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
I think you have things a little confused.
Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't come with energy
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the motion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching TV
Of the times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.
Embarrassing Medical Exams 1. A man comes into the ER and yells, 'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab! ' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, I noticed that there were several cabs.- and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX
2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths, ' I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be, ' replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart. '
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
4. During a patient's two-week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. 'Which one? ' I asked. 'The patch, the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours, and now I'm running out of places to put it! ' I had him quickly undress, and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitt ed by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden? ' After a look of complete confusion, she answered. 'Why, not for about twenty years.. When my husband was alive. '
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
6. I was caring for a woman and asked, 'So, how's your breakfast this morning? ' 'It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste, ' the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly, and the woman produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly. '
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
7. A nurse was on duty in the emergency room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass. ' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, 'Sorry, had to mow the lawn. '
Submitted by RN, no name
And finally!
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment, I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, 'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you? ' She replied, 'No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener. '
Doctor wouldn't leave name
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.
She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.
Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr. Chang.
So she went to see him.
Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said 'OK take off all your crose.'
The woman did as she was told.
'Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.'
Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.' So she did.
Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said 'Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary disease.
Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.' Worried the woman asked anxiously 'Oh my God Dr.Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease ?'
Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied 'Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass.'
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on any thing. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and am looking for a girl with big tits.
What a Hooters girl looks like later in life.
R Consultant
10-10-08, 14:23
One evening, two frogs were hopping home, when all of a sudden it started raining really hard. They saw a lady standing alone at the bus stop. Frog #1 hopped into the skirt through the front and into her vagina, and frog #2 hopped into the asshole. Next morning, both frogs came out. Frog #1 asks frog #2, "hey, how was your night?". Frog #2 says "Great, it was nice and warm in there. How was yours?". Frog #1 says "Horrible. As soon as I got in, some bald bastard came in as well and kept trying to shake my hand. As I stood in the middle, he'd tried to grab me. So, I hopped to left and there he was again. I hopped to the right and he was there also. Finally, after struggling for about 30 mins, the bastard just spit on me and left".
A Lesson In Business Management
Johnny want to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else.
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you $100 if you let me screw you."
But the girl said, "NO".
Johnny said, "Ill be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend. So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down."
So she agrees and accepts the proposal.
Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.
Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened?
She wailed, "The bastard used coins!"
Business Management Lesson: Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!
HOW TO HYPNOTIZE A MAN AND KEEP HIM ENTERTAINED FOR HOURS ON END
1. Left-click on the picture and drag in any direction; 2. Let go and prepare to be hypnotized.
http://vili.us/hypno.html
Mortgage Backed Securities are like boxes of chocolates. Criminals on Wall Street stole a few chocolates from the boxes and replaced them with turds. Their criminal buddies at Standard & Poor rated these boxes AAA Investment Grade chocolates. These boxes were then sold all over the world to investors. Eventually somebody bites into a turd and discovers the crime. Suddenly nobody trusts American chocolates anymore worldwide.
Hank Paulson now wants the American taxpayers to buy up and hold all these boxes of turd-infested chocolates for $700 billion dollars until the market for chocolates returns to normal. Meanwhile, Hank's buddies, the Wall Street criminals who stole all the good chocolates are not being investigated, arrested, or indicted.
Mama always said: "Sniff the chocolates first Forrest
(AP) -- A new father has secretly named his baby girl Sarah McCain Palin after the Republican ticket for president and vice president.
Mark Ciptak of Elizabethton put that name on the documents for the girl's birth certificate, ignoring the name Ava Grace, which he and his wife had picked earlier.
"I don't think she believes me yet," he told the Kingsport Times-News for a story to be published Tuesday. "It's going to take some more convincing."
Ciptak, a blood bank employee for the American Red Cross, said he named his third child after John McCain and Sarah Palin to "to get the word out" about the campaign.
"I took one for the cause," he said. "I can't give a lot of financial support for the (McCain/Palin) campaign. I do have a sign up in my yard, but I can do very little."
===============================
This new father's last name isn't even Palin. It's Ciptak. {Lol} Neither his surname or his wife's surname is on the baby's birth certificate! So funny. - Rosco
I keep having my profile on that dating website "Match.com" rejected.
One of the questions is, "What do you want in a woman?"
Apparently, "My dick" is not an acceptable answer.
http://www.tv.com/video/15055/dances-with-wolves?o=tv&tag=show_summary;video;
Ol' Capt. Kirk still rocks
I keep having my profile on that dating website "Match.com" rejected.
One of the questions is, "What do you want in a woman?"
Apparently, "My dick" is not an acceptable answer.LOL!! Now that's funny !! I don't care who you are! But, what do they expect a man to say?
LordBlackAdder
10-17-08, 22:55
Softcore Publishers Galaxy are launching a new speciality magazine featuring explicit private photos sent in by Prime Ministers and Presidents from around the world. ‘Leaders Wives’ magazine will not reveal the identity of the various first ladies from around the globe, although according to the magazine’s editor ‘part of the fun will be guessing’.
Edition One features ‘a lovely English lass’ and ‘A Gorgeous Gallic Gal’ pictured together exchanging what is euphemistically entitled ‘an intimate exchange on the challenges of being in the public eye.’
The idea has been under consideration for some time said editor Jonny Barfield; ‘We did publish a pilot edition of ‘Leaders Wives’ back in the early 1990s but had to pulp thousands of copies containing explicit pics of Norma Major and Barbara Bush.’ But with politician’s partners becoming more and more attractive, the hope is that ‘Leaders Wives’ magazine will combine a growing interest in global political issues with the ever popular topic of soft core pornography.
There will also be fantasy letters from leading politicians, under headings such as ‘Massive Election‘ and ‘I screwed the voters’ and if in 2012 Hilary Clinton wins the US Presidency, the magazine also promises an explicit new feature entitled ‘One for the ladies’ says Barfield. ‘Although most of the women in Washington DC will have seen that already, at one time or another.’
The parish priest needs his house painted so he offers the job to one of His altar boys, Little Johnny. The first day Little Johnny paints the Entire inside of the house, he's sweating like hell but eventually gets It finished.
The priest commends him on the work and with a flourish hands him $5. Little Johnny looks at the money and says to the priest, 'Thanks very Much Father, . You're a virgin. '
The priest is a bit startled but makes no remark. The next day Little Johnny has to paint the outside of the house; it's a really hot day and He just manages to finish the job without collapsing. The priest looks At the job and this time gives Little Johnny another $5 bill. Once again Little Johnny looks at the money and says, 'Thanks very much Father, you Really are a virgin. '
At this stage the priest decides to take action. 'Little Johnny, ' he Says, 'that's twice you called me a virgin. Do you have any idea what The word means? '
'Yes, ' says Little Johnny, 'it means a tight ****!
They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.
There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with t he Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-e ntered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
Mess with seniors and you're going to Lose!
Kermit the Frog reacts to "2 girls one cup"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nOn1htjSZic
After a relaxing bath...Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself, nude in a mirror...
Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose weight, was depressing her...
In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help...
'God....If you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you,' she prayed...
And just like that... her ears fell off..
$7 SEX
A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.' He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.
The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row.
The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave. Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'
The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married so we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139 .
We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.
1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold,
I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What
about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my
husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But
instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
I think Stewy Griffin is right...I may never be able to eat chocolate ice cream again...lol
Misfit
BEST DRUNK STORY OF THE MONTH
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a
drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He
gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker
in the face and says: 'I went by your grandma's house today and I
saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!' The
biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because
he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat. The drunk leans on the
table again and says: 'I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the
best I ever had!' The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker
still says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,
'I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!'
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders, looks him
square in the eyes and says Grandpa, Go home, you're DRUNK.
Baltimonger
10-19-08, 15:06
Kermit the Frog reacts to "2 girls one cup"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nOn1htjSZic
I think the funniest part was reading this to the right of the video:
Girls Licking Girls
Compare Products, Prices & Stores. Girls Licking Girls At Low Prices.
shopping.yahoo.com
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'
Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'
The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'
Johnny said 'I would say:
Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'
The teacher fainted...
1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I don't remember, what I chose.
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.
6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.
8. Virginity can be cured.
9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.
10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.
12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing......
15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.
16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
17. Despite the old saying, ' Don 't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!!
My own addition - My marriage was wild and wonderful. She was wild and I was wonderful!
1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I don't remember, what I chose.
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.
6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.
8. Virginity can be cured.
9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.
10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.
12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing......
15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.
16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
17. Despite the old saying, ' Don 't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!!
Herb decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her
acceptance Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness.
She informed Herb that she suffered a disease that left her
breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old.
He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much.
However, Herb felt this was also the time for him to open up
and admit that the had a deformity too.
Herb looked Sandy in the eyes and said 'I too have a
problem. My winky is the same size as an infant and I hope you could
deal with that once we are married.'
She said, 'Yes I will marry you and learn to live with
your
infant size winky.'
' Sandy and Herb got married and they could not waitfor the
honeymoon.
Herb whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they
started
touching and teasing, holding one another.
As Sandy put her hands in Herb's pants, she began to
scream
and ran out of the room!
Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong.
She said, 'You told me your winky was the size of an
infant!'
'Yes, it is.... 7 pounds, 8 ounces, 19 inches long
One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the ! husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?'
She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!!
Bank Robbery
A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.
He shouts "This is a raid. Everyone get on the floor! ", and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.
As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts "Did anybody else here see my face? ".
The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also.
"Did anybody else see my face? " He shouts again, waving his gun around.
There is a silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner.
"I think my wife caught a glimpse."
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US Government class.
The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware.
A man was driving down a country road when he sees a sign, 'Apples $5.00 each.' Intrigued to find out why an apple should cost that much,
he stops and asks the farmer why the apples are so expensive. The farmer says, 'These are special peanut butter and jelly apples. Here, try one.'
The man takes a bite and says, 'Unbelievable; I taste the peanut butter but not the jelly.'
The farmer says, 'Turn it around.' He does and he savors a sweet jelly.
The farmer says, 'I've got ham and cheese apples, too, but they're $10.00 each.'
The man is excited, buys one, takes a bite and says, 'Wow, these are great but I taste the ham but not the cheese.'
The farmer says, 'Turn it around.'
He does, takes a bite and a rich, creamy cheese fills his mouth.
The farmer says, 'Now, if you really like those, I've got some very special apples that cost $50.00 each. They're pussy apples.'
The man cannot resist and buys one. He takes a bite and says, 'YUCK, these taste like shit!'
The farmer says, 'Turn it around.'
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a
series of tests, the last of which had left his
bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the
bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another
and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with
diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to
remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of
bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out
the hospital window.
A drunk was walking
by the hospital when the
sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing,
and swinging his arms violently trying to get the
unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled
sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet,
staring down at the sheets, a hospital security
guard, (barely containing his (laughter), and who
had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked,
"What the heck is going on here?"
The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I
just beat the shit out of a ghost."
Just think -
If the Indians had given the Pilgrim fathers a donkey instead of a turkey,
we all would be having a piece of ass for Thanksgiving.
One Saturday afternoon, a man was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching his wife mow the lawn.
The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at him, "You should be hung."
He calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass."
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital Fort Worth. She timidly asked, 'Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?'
The operator said, 'I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?'
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, 'Norma Findlay, Room 302.'
The operator replied, 'Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.'
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, 'Oh, I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal, and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.'
The grandmother said, 'Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news.'
The operator replied, 'You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?'
The grandmother said, 'No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me shit in here.'
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.
Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, 'How dare you touch my body!
I don't even know who you are! '
The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.
Arrested for laughing
A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When She noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused.
She moved again and then on her third move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.
Then the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant.
She sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins'.
I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement, which read: 'William's Stick Did The Trick'.
Then I could not control myself any longer when on the third move she sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident. '
The case was dismissed.
She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her? She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend? You. '
She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
And have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance? To see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive. ' 'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me. '
She responds, ? 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic. '
The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic! '
'OK'? The nun says. 'Pull into the next alley. '
The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
'My dear child, ' says the nun, 'why are you crying? '
'Forgive me but I've sinned? I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish. '
The nun says, 'That's OK? My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party. '
Happy Halloween!
Martha lost her husband 3 weeks ago. She had him
cremated and brought his ashes home and kept them
on the end table.
The other day she picked up the urn and went out to
the patio. She sat down at the patio table and poured
him out on the table.
She sat there looking at the ashes while tracing her
fingers in them. After a few minutes she started
talking to the ashes.
'Herman, you know the dishwasher you promised me?
I bought it with the insurance money!'
She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the
ashes then said, 'Herman, remember that car you promised
me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!'
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing
her fingers in the ashes she said, 'Herman, that diamond
ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance
money!'
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she
said, 'Herman, remember that blow job I promised you?'
HERE IT COMES!!
A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A. M. , loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles.
While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, 'How will I know if they are pregnant? ' The other farmer replied, 'If they're lying in the grass in the morning, they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, they're not. '
The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.
This continued each morning for more than a week. The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his wife, 'Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass. '
'Neither, ' yelled his wife, 'they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn.
A high school class was discussing the qualifications to be president of the United States. It was pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age. However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.
The teacher and the class were just taking it in and letting her rant on, but everyone's jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating, "What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by c-section? "
A young man goes into the Job Center in Jacksonville , Florida , and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.
Interested, he goes to learn more - 'Can you give me some more details?' he asks the clerk.
The clerk pulls up the file and says, 'The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.
There's an annual salary of $67,000, but you're going to have to go to Oxford , Mississippi . That's about 620 miles from here.'
'Oh, is that where the job is?'
'No sir - that's where the end of the line is right now.'
A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him.
He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine.
On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot.
They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way.
"Well, okay," he says, "how about a blow job?"
"Yuck!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!"
He says, "Well, then, how about a hand job?"
"I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"
"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?"
She nods.
"Well, it's just like that."
So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it.
A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.
"What's wrong?!" she cries out.
"Damn it,Take your thumb off the end!!"
Clinton Bush
11-03-08, 20:25
1. I’m Already Against the Next War
2. Nice Hummer—Sorry About Your Penis
3. America: One Nation Under Surveillance
4. Of Course It Hurts, You’re Getting Screwed by an Elephant
5. Evolution Is Just a Theory . . . Kind of Like Gravity
6. May the Fetus You Save Be Gay
Dbldowndon
11-03-08, 22:28
1. I’m Already Against the Next War
2. Nice Hummer—Sorry About Your Penis
3. America: One Nation Under Surveillance
4. Of Course It Hurts, You’re Getting Screwed by an Elephant
5. Evolution Is Just a Theory . . . Kind of Like Gravity
6. May the Fetus You Save Be Gay
Nuke Unborn
Gay Whales
For Jesus
The White House Press Office wish it to be known there is no truth to the rumor that the President inadvertently signed a proclamation containing a typographical error and declaring tomorrow "Erection Day". Which is more than they are willing to admit concerning the previous administration.
Like the movies
My wife wanted me to make love to her like in the movies.
So, I stuck it in her ass and came on her face.
She got mad.
I guess we don't watch the same movies.
A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears, she is quite impressed by his sensitive side. But doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking,
'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children? '
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips
He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well, how was it? ' The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:
'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'
Beer vs. Water
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated That if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would Have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. Coli) bacteria found In feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Poop.
However, we do not run that risk when drinking beer (or whiskey, wine Or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of Boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember:
Water = Poop. Beer = Health.
Therefore, it's better to drink beer and act stupid, than to drink water And be full of shit.
There's no need to thank me for this valuable information; I'm doing it as a
Public service to the readers of this forum.
One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route.
As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
" Wow, Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night" the mailman comments.
Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. We got so drunk around midnight that we started playing "WHO AM I? "
The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that? "
" Well, all the guys go in the bedroom, and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.
"The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that. "
"Probably a good thing you did, " Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Deputy Sheriff. He
thinks he is smarter than the deputy because he is
a lawyer from California and is certain that he has a better education then
any cop from Wyoming . He decides to prove this
to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense.
The deputy says,' License and registration, please.'
'What for?' says the lawyer.
The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'
Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'
'You still didn't come to a complete stop, says the deputy. License and
registration, please.'
The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'
'The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law.
License and registration, please!' the Deputy says.
Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and
stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket.
If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'
'That sounds fair the deputy says. Please exit your vehicle, sir.
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the
ever-loving shit out of the lawyer and says,
'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'
Young Chuck in Montana bought a horse from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.'
Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already'
Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.'
The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead horse!'
Chuck said, 'Sure I can, Watch me. I just won't tell any body he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead horse?'
Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998.'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain ?'
Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'
Chuck grew up and works now for the government. He was the one who figured out how to 'bail us out'.
Thinking of buying new tires?
Some helpful information to make sure you're actually buying safe new tires.
http://abcnews.go.com/Video/playerIndex?id=4826897&affil=wfaa
A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly.
He is in the upper bunk and she is in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'
'I have a better idea,' she replied.
'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.' 'Wow!
That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own fuckin' blanket".
After a moment of silence, he farted.
The End
*** ***
The Three Little Pigs
Went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.
'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little Piggy.
'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy.
'I want beer, Lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy..
The drinks Were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner
'I Want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy.
'I would like The salad plate,' said the second piggy.
'I want beer, Lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy..
The meals Were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and Asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
'I want a Banana split,' said the first piggy.
'I want a Cheesecake,' said the second piggy.
'I want beer, lots and lots of Beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy.
'Pardon me for Asking,' said the waiter to the third little Piggy,'
'But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'
The third piggy Says -
Well, somebody has To go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!
This test is based on how cool you were in High School--whatcrowd you ran with, etc., it's pretty accurate.
http://www.sailinganarchy.com/general/2002/cool_test.htm
An old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
CHEESEBURGER: $1.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50
HAND JOB: $500
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a
meager looking group of farmers.
'Yes?' she inquires with a knowing smile, 'Can I help you?'
'I was wondering,' whispers the old biker, 'are you the young lady who gives the hand jobs?'
'Yes,' she purrs, 'I am.'
The old biker replies, 'Well go wash your damn hands. I want a cheeseburger.'
Differences Between Grandfathers and Grandmothers
A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time. Just he and his granddaughter.
One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs t o see her grandfather. 'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?' 'Oh yes, PaPa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a single dumb bastard or lousy shit head anywhere we went today!'
Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it?
A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring whenever her friends called, and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.
The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.
HILLBILLY AND A MIRROR
After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city.
In one of the big city stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it.
Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, 'How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy.' He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his daddy, but on the way home he remembered his wife, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn.
Every morning before leaving for th e fields, he would go there and look at it.
His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.
As she looked in the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly ***** he's runnin' around with.'
Some will be laughing and others will not it's not open for discussion!
Barrack Obama , Michelle Obama and Oprah Winfrey were flying
on Obama's private plane. Obama looked at Oprah,
chuckled and said, 'You know, I could throw a $1,000
bill out of the window right now and make somebody very
happy. Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, 'I
could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten
people very happy. Michelle added, 'That being the case,
I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and
make a hundred people very happy. Hearing their exchange,
the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot,
'Such big-shots back there. I could throw all of their
asses out of the window and make 56 million people very
happy.
Mechanic69
11-16-08, 21:01
You might as well accept it, Obama is your President and you should hope he is a very good one. It will take a good President to straighten out the mess Bush has made.
The One Jack
11-16-08, 22:23
I have heard that Obama is going to fix everything.
No more war.
No more hunger.
No more poverty.
No more cancer.
No more illness of any kind.
No more hurt feelings.
No more missing socks.
No more global warming.
No more global cooling.
No more dogs chasing cats.
No more bad hair days.
No more dandruff.
No more worries.
And all of this caused by the evil W.
It's a joke. I get it. At least there were no monkeys, watermelon, etc., in it.
lol
A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm..
He stopped and asked the boy, 'Where did you get that turkey?'
The boy replied, 'What turkey?'
The game warden said, 'That turkey you're carrying under your arm.'
The boy looks down and said, 'Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!'
The game warden said, 'Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you..
If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?'
The little boy said, 'I guess I'll just kiss his ass and let him go!'
May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have never a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs!
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.1.4 Copyright © 2024 vBulletin Solutions, Inc. All rights reserved.