Jokes & Humorous Stories [Archive] - Page 10

Gdlint

03-22-11, 17:58

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques.

She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband.

Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the lady doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition.

The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip, didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And that will now be your new career! '

At this the woman broke down and sobbed.

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought. '

The Good Doctor

03-22-11, 18:21

Gdlint

03-23-11, 20:05

One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, nor ***** and loved to have sex!

But it was a long, long time ago, and it was just that one Day!

Hello Kitty

03-24-11, 21:14

Can't resist a good BJ.

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=0f461a6a8dWas that show from Mad TV?

Baltimonger

03-26-11, 11:08

Slide show of Superfans that take their obsession to a whole new level. First guy is pretty crazy looking to start with. His entire upper body is covered in Julia Roberts tattoos.

http://wonderwall.msn.com/movies/Crazy-Superfans-11813.gallery?gt1=28148

This one doesn't make sense to me:

Manchester resident Darren Hassall is such a fan of Madonna that, as of 2008, he has gone to 68 of her concerts since becoming a fan in 1990. Hassall follows Madonna around the world as she tours often traveling throughout Japan, Europe and the United StatesWow, a whole 68 shows in 18 years. The average Deadhead did that over a summer.

Gdlint

03-26-11, 15:08

http://www.targetmap.com/viewer.aspx?reportId=5285

A John

03-26-11, 17:40

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured. Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'this is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this? '

'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish. '

Drofnalb

04-02-11, 23:50

This shit is funny as hell!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dyLSstqMvH8

Gdlint

04-04-11, 15:55

My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's.

Ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her,"If you're going to use this under.

Your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." Andrea said,"I'm not using it under my arms." The pharmacist said,"If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days." Andrea replied,"I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer." The pharmacist says,"Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."

Gdlint

04-15-11, 16:23

There was once a man with three girlfriends, but he didn't know which one to marry. So he decided to give each one $5, 000 and observe how she spent it.

The first one went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and then told the man: "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a plasma TV and a case of scotch and gave them to the man. She said: "I bought these gifts for you because I love you so much."

The third one took the $5, 000 and invested it in the stock market, doubling her investment. She then returned the $5, 000 to the man and reinvested the rest and said: "I invested the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.

Lombardo

04-20-11, 19:12

http://www.snotr.com/video/2057/Monkey_bar

Gdlint

04-21-11, 20:47

Luiggi walks to work 20 blocks every day and passes a shoe store twice every day.

Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Armani leather shoes.

He wants those shoes so much. It's all he can think about.

After about 2 months he saves the price.

Of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.

Every Friday night the Italian community.

Holds a dance in the church basement.

Luiggi seizes this opportunity to wear.

His new Armani leather shoes for the first time.

He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her,

'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight? '

Startled, Sophia replies,

'Yes, Luiggi, I do wear red panties tonight,

But how do you know? '

Luiggi answers,

'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes.

How do you like them? '

Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks,

'Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight? '

Rosa answers,

'Yes, Luiggi, I do,

But how do you know that? '

He replies,

'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes. .

How do you like them? '

Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played,

Luiggi asks Carmela to dance.

Midway through the dance his face.

Turns red.

He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart,

Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight,

Please, please, tella me this true! '

Carmela smiles coyly and answers,

'Yes Luiggi, I wear no panties tonight. '

Luiggi gasps,

'Thanka God.

I thought I had a CRACK in my.

$300 Armani leather shoes! '

A John

04-24-11, 11:34

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.

He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front

Of the car.

The driver,

A sensitive man as well as an animal lover,

Pulls over and gets out to see.

What has become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD.

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway.

Sees a man crying on the side of the road.

And pulls over.

She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible,"! He explains,

"I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."

The blonde says,"Don't worry."

She runs to her car.

And pulls out a spray can.

She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny,

Bends down,

And sprays the contents onto him.

The Easter Bunny jumps up,

Waves its paw at the two of them.

And hops off down the road.

Ten feet away he stops,

Turns around and waves again,

He hops down the road another 10 feet,

Turns and waves,

Hops another ten feet,

Turns and waves,

And repeats this again and again and again and again,

Until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished.

He runs over to the woman and demands,

"What is in that can?

What did you spray on the Easter Bunny?"

The woman turns the can around.

So that the man can read

The label.

It says.

"Hair Spray

Restores life to dead hair,

And adds permanent wave."

Happy Easter!

A John

04-26-11, 19:50

Blondes Explaining Easter

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St.

Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom,

They had to tell him what Easter represented.

The first blonde, an American, said "Easter is a holiday where

They have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."

St. Peter said,"Noooooo," and wouldn't let her in.

The second blonde, a Brit, said "Easter is when we celebrate

Jesus's birth and exchange gifts."

St. Peter said,"Noooooo," and he wouldn't let her in either.

The third blonde, a Canadian, said she knew what Easter was,

And St. Peter said,"So, tell me."

She said,"Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with

The Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover

Feast with his disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and

The Romans arrested him. The Romans hung him on the cross and

Eventually he died. Then they buried him in a tomb behind a

Very large boulder."

St. Peter said,"Verrrrrry good."

Then the blonde continued,"Now, every year the Jews roll away

The boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we

Have six more weeks of hockey."

St. Peter fainted.

Lurker X

04-26-11, 20:36

[u]EDITOR'S NOTE: This report was edited to remove what appeared to be an unannotated link to another website. Please do not post links to other websites without some explanation as to what may be found at the linked webpage. In other words, if you want to post a link to another website, please include some commentary describing what the link is to.

Gdlint

04-28-11, 12:25

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was very upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig! ' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me. A faithful wife, the mother of your children. In our bedroom. I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away! ' The husband calmly replied. 'Hang on just a minute love. So at least I can tell you what happened. '. 'Fine, go ahead, ' she sobbed. 'but they'll be the last words you'll say to me! '.

The husband began. 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, when this young lady here asked me for a lift.

She looked so down and out and defenseless. That I took pity on her and let her into the car'.

'I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me she hadn't eaten for three days'.

'So, with compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night. The ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight'.

The poor thing devoured them in moments."Since she needed a good clean-up. I suggested a shower. And while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away'.

'Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you've had for a few years. But don't wear because you say they're too tight'.

'I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear. Because I don't have good taste'.

'I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear. Because you wanted to annoy her. And I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique. And don't wear because someone at work has a pair of the same. ' The husband took a quick breath and continued. 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help. That as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes. And said.

'Please. Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use'.

"and. There you have it".

Gdlint

04-29-11, 13:02

http://www.collegehumor.com/video/6492737/split-tongue-girl

Davidonecall

04-30-11, 07:29

Little Lucy found her cat Tiddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs stiff in the air."Daddy! What's wrong with Tiddles?" Daddy gently said,"I'm afraid Tiddles is dead, Lucy." "But why are his legs sticking up in the air, Daddy?" asked Lucy, as she fought back the tears. At a loss for something to say, he replied,"Well, ah, Tiddles' legs are pointing up because that makes it easier for Jesus to pick her up and take her back to heaven." Little Lucy seemed to take her Tiddles death pretty well. However, two days later when her father came home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and said,"Daddy! Daddy! Mommy almost died this morning!" "What? What happened, Lucy? Tell Daddy!" "Well," mumbled Lucy,"this morning I found Mommy lying on the kitchen floor with her legs straight up in the air, shouting, 'Oh, Jesus! I'm coming, I'm coming! ' It's a good thing the mailman was holding her down or she'd have gone to heaven

Gdlint

05-03-11, 13:59

A man is sitting on the veranda with his wife and he says, 'I love you. '

She asks, 'Is that you or the beer talking? '

He replies, 'It's me. Talking to the beer. '

A John

05-09-11, 19:20

A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET. HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP. THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK. BUT ABOUT EVERY 15 SECONDS OR SO, HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN, GRIPS ONTO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF HIS HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.

HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE."

BILLY SAYS: "I'm FINE, MOMMY. I JUST HAVEN'T GONE POTTY' YET."

MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES. BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"

BILLY SAYS: "WORKS FOR KETCHUP."

Gdlint

05-14-11, 16:09

Florida Driving

Gdlint

05-14-11, 20:23

He grasped me firmly, but gently, just above my elbow and guided me into a.

Room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone. He.

Approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice.

Close to my ear.

"Just relax."

Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands.

Start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves, slowly.

But steadily. My breath caught in my throat.

I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so.

Experienced, so sure. When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight.

Shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his.

Knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my firm,

Full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply.

Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my.

Shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties. Although I.

Knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a.

Man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking 'No'

For an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look.

Into my soul and say. . . .

"Okay ma'am, you can board your flight now."

Gdlint

05-16-11, 12:47

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down. When he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life. After Mass, The priest caught up with him and said,"Murphy, I am so glad ya. Decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

Murphy said,"I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I.

Misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. Ya know

McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every. Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and. Figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to. Leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said,"Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal.

McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy replied,"Well, after I heard your sermon on the Ten.

Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat. After all."

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said;

"After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would.

Rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"

Murphy slowly shook his head."No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou. Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat.

Baldy Cruiser

05-21-11, 00:20

A Male Fairy Tale:

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful princess,

'Will you marry me? '

The Princess said, 'NO! '. And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode.

Motorcycles and fucked skinny big titty'd chicks and hunted and fished and.

Raced cars and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and drank.

Whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid.

Child support or alimony and ate pussies and ass fucked cheerleaders and.

Kept his house and guns and never got cheated on while he was at work and.

All his friends and family thought he was fuckin' cool as hell and he had.

Tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up. The end

KC Questor

05-22-11, 16:10

This is an appeal to some of you. PLEASE when you copy and paste a joke from your e-mail take a second to remove the line breaks. Just go to the beginning of each line and backspace until it pops up to the end of the line above it. There should only be a line break at the end of a paragraph.

This board software automatically adds a period at a line break. It also double spaces and auto-capitalizes. If there is a line break in the middle of a paragraph we end up with jokes like the one in the previous post, which end up looking like a weird poem and are a pain to read.

And here's a joke to end this post:

John pays a visit to a gorgeous young prostitute. After two hours of exhausting great sex he says,"That was great. But now you won't be seeing me for a while."

The girl isn't happy to see a good customer leave, so she asks,"Are you going to be too busy to visit me?"

"No sweety, that's not what I mean," John replies."Now turn over."

Seva Lurker

05-22-11, 18:25

This is an appeal to some of you. PLEASE when you copy and paste a joke from your e-mail take a second to remove the line breaks. Just go to the beginning of each line and backspace until it pops up to the end of the line above it. There should only be a line break at the end of a paragraph.

This board software automatically adds a period at a line break. It also double spaces and auto-capitalizes. If there is a line break in the middle of a paragraph we end up with jokes like the one in the previous post, which end up looking like a weird poem and are a pain to read. I agree with you, but what would really be nice is if Jackson could tweak the software so it doesn't do the weird formatting.

I mean putting a URL on its own line, spaces after periods (even when it is a decimal point) , etc.

Foxfax

05-22-11, 19:34

1. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.

2. The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.

3. You feel like the morning after but you haven't been anywhere.

4. Your children begin to look middle-aged.

5. You've finally reached the top of the ladder, only to find that it's leaning against the wrong wall.

6. Your mind makes contracts that your body can't keep.

7. You look forward to a dull evening.

8. Your favorite part of the newspaper is Twenty Years Ago Today.

9. You turn out the light for economic reasons.

10. You sit in the rocking chair and you can't get it going.

11. Your knees buckle, but your belt won't.

12. You regret all those mistakes you made resisting temptation.

13. You're 17 around the neck. 42 around the waist, and 96 around the golf course.

14. Your pacemaker makes the garage door open when you see a pretty girl.

15. The little old gray-haired lady you help across the street is your wife.

16. You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.

17. You have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine cabinet.

18. You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.

19. Your broad mind and your narrow waist have exchanged places.

20. You know your a grown-up because you groan every time you get up!

Member #5805

05-22-11, 19:57

I agree with you, but what would really be nice is if Jackson could tweak the software so it doesn't do the weird formatting.

I mean putting a URL on its own line, spaces after periods (even when it is a decimal point) , etc. What would be even better is to have people stop complaining so damn much. If you don't like the way it looks don't read it or better yet cut and paste, fix the issue you have and then repost to make yourselves happy.

KC Questor

05-24-11, 00:58

What would be even better is to have people stop complaining so damn much. If you don't like the way it looks don't read it or better yet cut and paste, fix the issue you have and then repost to make yourselves happy.Well, to me it is like listening to someone try to tell a joke who forgets where they are in the story and leaves parts out and just generally makes a mess of it. If you are going to do something, you should do it well.

What you are suggesting is like telling a joke well, right after someone bollocks it up. Rude, and not as funny as if it was done right the first time.

Member #5805

05-24-11, 05:30

Well, to me it is like listening to someone try to tell a joke who forgets where they are in the story and leaves parts out and just generally makes a mess of it. If you are going to do something, you should do it well.

What you are suggesting is like telling a joke well, right after someone bollocks it up. Rude, and not as funny as if it was done right the first time.While it is rude to walk away.

While someone is telling a joke.

Poorly; it is not rude to stop.

Reading if you don't like the way.

Someone submits a post to a forum.

Northsideman

05-24-11, 11:14

What's the difference between a man who has sex with both genders and a heterosexual hobbyist? The former is "bisexual", the latter is "buy sexual"!

Gdlint

05-25-11, 08:12

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual

Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast,

Wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,

'You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought,"I am either still dreaming or

This is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment,

I embraced her and then Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said,"Thanks," and returned to the stove,

Her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked,"What was that all about?"

She explained,"The egg timer's broken."

Northsideman

05-25-11, 23:51

Canadian cartoonist Chester Brown has just published a book called "Paying For It" about his real life experiences as a "hobbyist". Brown says "The romantic love ideal is actually evil. It promotes more misery than happiness and causes many people to yoke themselves for life to the wrong person simply to satisfy society's dictates. My ego is not so fragile that I need someone to tickle me like a stuffed animal and affirm that I'm lovable."

I haven't read the book but it sounds interesting. I agree 100% with the above quote. I personally am not a hobbyist because I already have a girlfriend and want "something extra on the side". Nor have I been married 30 years to a woman who's now post-menopausal and no longer has a sex drive. I'm a hobbyist because no woman has ever considered me worthy of marriage or even a relationship. I could count on one hand the women I've met in the last 20 years who even considered me worthy of a second date (and even those second dates almost never resulted in a third date).

At the age of 42 I realized that "true love" (as depicted in Hollywood romantic comedies) would probably never happen in my lifetime. So I lost my virginity with a provider (at the now defunct Studio 421 in Indianapolis). This provider made the experience sweet and tender and I wouldn't have done it with anyone else. I hate to think how awful it would have been to lose my virginity with one of the greedy, control freak yuppie women who used to answer my personal ad in the 1990's!

Anyway, back to Brown's book. He says the publisher came up with the book's title, which he hates because it implies that he also paid a moral, ethical or religious price for patronizing sex workers. He claims he has no such feelings of regret. Brown is also endorsing legalization of prostitution in Canada and says that the usual reasons for keeping it illegal (drugs, violence, sex slavery) are just a lot of media hype (but then WE already knew that!)

Here's a sample page and a link to a review:

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/05/25/books/paying-for-it-is-chester-browns-memoir-of-prostitutes.html?pagewanted=2&_r=3&ref=arts

Member #4434

05-30-11, 21:17

I'm sure this has probably been posted somewhere on here before, but I ran accross it again today, and it cracks me up. I thought I'd post for those who haven't seen it.

http://www.xtranormal.com/watch/6695715/hooker-v-hobbyist

Gdlint

06-03-11, 13:34

I don't want you to panic but I'm posting this from the casualty ward.

Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was.

Lombardo

06-05-11, 21:58

http://www.snotr.com/video/4607/Happy_ending

Member #5805

06-07-11, 22:40

Facts about The killing of Osama Bin Laden:

1) Fugitive for 19 years. Hunted by Saudi Arabia, Interpol, Scotland Yard, Mossad, and the CIA.

2) CIA was looking for him for last 14 years. Found him twice and lost him twice. Cost $1. 8 Billion.

3) CIA had 4 directors over this time period. 1997- 2011. All failed to capture Bin Laden.

4) Obama appoints Leon Panetta son of Italian immigrants as new CIA director April 28th. 2011.

5) Mr. Panetta calls in a few favors from "friends" in New York, New Jersey and, Las Vegas on April 29th 2011.

6) They plan a raid over some espresso and cannolis April 30th. 2011. Decide to dress as Navy Seals.

7) Bin Laden is killed (not captured or held for trial) and the body is dumped at sea May 1, 2011.

(also known as 'swimming with the fishes' in Italian folklore)

8) Job done in less then 100 hours: Reward $25, 000, 000

9) Estimated savings of not having a trial $200, 000, 000.

10) Buy Italian.

Taking care of business!

Gdlint

06-10-11, 08:18

An old guy was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing on the tread mill.

He asked the trainer that was near-by,"What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"

The trainer looked him up and down and said,"I would try the ATM in the lobby."

Gdlint

06-10-11, 16:38

Lombardo

06-12-11, 09:30

HOBO gets back alley BJ, then takes off as he cums in record time, with cash still in hand.

http://efukt.com/20880_Hobo_Outwits_Prostitute_[CLASSIC].html

Goofygoon

06-15-11, 23:38

Very funny video about a blow-up doll.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4-Irs1ewDoM&feature=player_embedded

A John

06-29-11, 19:57

Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions. One said,"I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."

"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy,"what is it?"

"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's. '

Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds."

Gdlint

07-06-11, 21:11

Two couples were playing poker one evening.

Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there? ' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did.

She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500. 'After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.

Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 pm Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 pm

Sharp. And after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500. They went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 pm And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon? ' With a lump in her throat Sue answered 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon. ' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you $500? ' Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500. ' Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me.

He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back. ' Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player.

Gdlint

07-14-11, 08:17

The madam opened the brothel door

And saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late

Forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?" she asked.

The man replied,"I want to see Suzy."

"Sir, Suzy is one of our most expensive ladies.

Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the

Madam.

He replied,"No, I must see Suzy."

Just then, Suzy appeared and announced to the man

She charged $5000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five

Thousand Dollars and gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more

Demanding to see Suzy.

Suzy explained that no one had ever come back two

Nights in a row as she was too expensive.

"There are no discounts. The price is still

$5000."

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to

Suzy, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again.

Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third

Consecutive night, but he paid Suzy and they went upstairs.

After their session, Suzy said to the man,

"No one has ever been with me three nights in a

Row.

Where are you from?"

The man replied," Hobart"

"Really," she said."I have family in Hobart."

"I know." the man said."Your sister died, and I

Am her Lawyer.

She asked me to give you your $15, 000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life

Are certain:

1. Death.

2. Taxes.

3. Being screwed by a lawyer!

Lombardo

07-18-11, 20:58

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=7295d2feed

A John

07-19-11, 15:23

A chicken farmer went to a local bar. Sat next to a woman and

Ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of

Champagne, too! '

'What a coincidence' the chicken farmer says. 'This is a special day for

Me. I am celebrating'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating! ' says the woman.

'What a coincidence! ' says the chicken farmer! As they clinked glasses

The man asked, 'What are you celebrating? '

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my

Gynecologist told me that I am pregnant! '

'What a coincidence, ' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years

All of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized

Eggs. '

'That's great! ' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile? '

'I used a different cock, ' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence. '

Richmond Fotog

07-19-11, 16:02

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. 'That's okay' means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here. This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot'. That is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'. That will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying a really bad word.

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong? ' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

Gdlint

07-19-11, 18:00

A while back, when I was considerably younger and single, I picked up a lovely date at her parents' home.

I'd scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant.

She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Shrimp cocktail. Lobster Patron. Champagne.

I asked her,"Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?"

"No," she replied."But my mother's not expecting a blow job tonight."

I said "Would you care for dessert? '

Richmond Fotog

07-20-11, 13:49

An Israeli glamour model is recovering after a boa constrictor bit her chest and died of silicon poisoning as a result.

http://www.thejc.com/news/israel-news/46612/snake-has-kiss-death-israeli-model

Gdlint

07-21-11, 14:05

A guy goes into a bookstore and asks the young lady assistant,"Do you have the new book for men with short penises? I can't remember the title."

She replies,"I'm not sure if it's in yet."

The man says,"That's the one".

Richmond Fotog

07-22-11, 15:13

A little off topic, but still humorous.

This "prostitute" dates a judge 8 times then busts him by secretly videotaping him. Claiming she performed oral sex on him against her will.

"A criminal complaint said the prostitute told police that she had visited Murdoch approximately eight times in his home after he answered an online personals ad and exchanged money for sexual acts."

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/43827814/ns/us_news-crime_and_courts/

A John

07-23-11, 19:37

The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.

She said "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier." Just take several stops and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.

She looked at the men in the room,"and Gentlemen, remember. You're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her".

The room suddenly went very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" answered the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Gdlint

07-26-11, 20:09

Ed came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ed. '

Ed was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back! '

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken. '

Ed was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here? '

'Not bad, ' replied Ed the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm going to explode! '

'You're ovulating, ' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before? '

'Never, ' said Ed.

'Well, just relax and let it happen, ' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal. '

He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg. His joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard."Ed, wake up! You shit the bed!"

Getting OLD just ain't what they said it would be!

Snoop Deville

08-09-11, 12:28

A man and woman were at a bar having a few drinks. They started talking and soon realized they're both doctors. After a hour had passed, the man says,"Hey, how about if we sleep together tonight? No string attached." The woman doctor agrees to it.

They go to her place and he goes into the bathroom. After he comes out, she goes into th. E bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she was about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. At last, she goes into the bedroom and they have sex.

Afterwards, the man says,"You're a surgeon, aren't you?" "Yes," says the woman,"how did you know?" "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started, he said."Oh ok, that makes sense," says the woman."You're an anaesthesiologist, aren't you?" "Yeah, how you know?" asked the man. The woman replied,"Because I didn't feel a thing."

Joe Black

08-09-11, 18:04

A nun walks into a bus and sits behind the driver and says,"I have just one regret before I die,"

The bus driver asks "What might that be?", she says "I have never had sex, but I can't have sex with a married man or that would be a sin."

The bus driver says,"I'm not married"

The nun says,"I have to die a virgin so I will have to take it in my ass".

Being the only two in the bus they went to the back and took care of business.

When they were done the bus driver says to the nun,"I have a confesion to make, I am married."

The nun says "I also have a confesion to make, My name is Tom and I'm going to a costume party!"

Gdlint

08-10-11, 12:14

This girl enjoys a sling-shot ride. I mean REALLY enjoys a sling-shot ride.

http://www.videobash.com/video_show/girl-enjoys-slingshot-ride-2032?utm_source=ehowa&utm_medium=PT&utm_campaign=ehowa_shortvideopages

Richmond Fotog

08-19-11, 12:14

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:

Two Prostitutes. $50. 00.

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them, and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

At that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "Jesus Saves."

One of the girls asked the officer,"How come you don't stop them?"

"Well, that's a little different," the officer said."Their sign pertains to religion."

The following day the same police officer noticed the same two hookers driving around with a large sign on their car.

He figured he had an easy arrest until he read their new sign:

Two Fallen Angels. Seeking Peter. $50.

A John

08-29-11, 06:14

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.

I have two female parrots,

But they only know to say one thing. '

'What do they say? ' the priest asked.

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun? '

'That's obscene! ' the priest exclaimed,

Then he thought for a moment.

'You know, ' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.

My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship,

And your parrots are sure to stop saying. That phrase. In no time. '

'Thank you, ' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution. '

The next day,

She brought her female parrots to the priest's house.

As he ushered her in,

She saw that his two male parrots

Were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed,

She walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes,

The female parrots cried out in unison:

Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun? '

There was stunned silence.

Shocked, One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says,

'Put the beads away, Frank,

Our prayers have been answered!

Gdlint

09-06-11, 08:40

My wife asked me,"How many women have you slept with?"

I proudly replied,"Only you, Darling. With all the others, I was awake."

Gdlint

09-15-11, 12:31

I was banging this neighbor Lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, 'It's my husband! Quick, try the back door! '

Thinking back, I really should have ran – but you don't get offers like that every day.

Richmond Fotog

09-15-11, 14:07

My Dearest Susan,

Sweetie of my heart. I've been so desolate ever since I broke off our engagement. Simply devastated. Won't you please consider coming back to me? You hold a place in my heart no other woman can fill. I can never marry another woman quite like you. I need you so much. Won't you forgive me and let us make a new beginning? I love you so.

Yours always and truly,

John.

P. S. Congratulations on you winning the state lottery.

Rod Philderup

09-15-11, 20:06

Definition of a bad blow job.

A girl with one tooth and the hiccups

Victorth

09-15-11, 22:59

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

A Lickalottapus!

Richmond Fotog

09-16-11, 19:45

"-Undercover vice squad officers routinely come into contact with skeptical prostitutes wary that their prospective john may actually be a police officer. So, before discussing business, a hooker will often ask the purported sex-seeker to first expose himself, since that is a no-no for a cop."

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/documents/cop-uses-rubber-penis-765432

In other news: "Operation Hot Date."

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/documents/crime/craigslist-hooker-sweep-nets-28-women

Gdlint

09-24-11, 08:34

WOMEN's DRINKS AND WHO THEY ARE.

Drink: Beer.

Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.

Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks.

Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass.

Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.

Drink: Martinis.

Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.

Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll send YOU a drink.

Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)

Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.

Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with my friends.

Drink: White Zinfandel.

Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually, she has NO clue.

Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is. This should be an easy target.

Drink: Shots.

Personality: Likes to hang with pals and looking to get totally drunk. And naked.

Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!

Drink: Tequila.

No explanations required – everyone just KNOWS what happens there.

MEN'S DRINKS & WHO THEY ARE.

The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:

Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Wine: He is hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.

Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.

White Zinfandel: He likes men

A John

09-26-11, 23:24

An old gentleman lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love, Papa.

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa,

Don't dig up that garden.

That's where the bodies are buried.

Love, Vinnie.

At 4 a. M. The next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papa,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you,

Vinnie

R Lawrence

10-04-11, 13:32

OLD FIGHTER PILOT.

A ragged, old, derelict shuffled into a down and dirty bar. Stinking of

Whiskey and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player

Wanted"

Sign from the window and handed it to the bartender.

"I'd like to apply for the job," he said."I was an F-4E driver, flying

Out of Udorn back in ' Nam, but when they retired the Phantom all the

Thrill was gone,

And soon they cashed me in as well. I learned to play the piano at

AUSSIE-Club happy hours, so here I am."

The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it

Had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business was

Falling off.

So, why not give him a try. The seedy pilot staggered his way over to

The piano while several patrons snickered. By the time he was into his

Third bar of.

Music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of

Soaring music unlike anything heard in the bar before. When he finished

There wasn't.

A dry eye in the place.

The bartender took the old fighter pilot a beer and asked him the name

Of the song he had just played?

It's called "Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going Balls To The Wall For

You" he said. After a long pull from the beer, leaving it empty, he

Said "I wrote it myself."

The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano player

Just went on into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that

Had the place jumping.

After he finished, the fighter pilot acknowledged the applause, downed

A second proffered mug, and told the crowd the song was called,"Big

Boobs Make My.

Afterburner Light."

He then launched into another mesmerizing song and everyone in the room

Was enthralled. He announced that it was the latest rendition of his

Song,

"Spread 'them Baby, It's Foggy Out Tonight and I Need To See The

Centerline", excused himself and headed for the john. When he Came out

The bartender.

Went over to him and said,"Hey fly boy, the job is yours, but do you

Know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out.

"Know it?" the old fighter pilot replied,"Hell, I wrote it!"

Gdlint

10-10-11, 12:53

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a. M. And is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies,"I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."

The officer then asks,"Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies,"That would be my wife."

Smutmeister

10-10-11, 21:58

Clinton Lewinsky. The REAL Story.

For all of you that were so disturbed about tales of Clinton's infidelity you'll be relieved to read this! This is the real story behind the Clinton-Lewinsky affair.

Bill was hosting a state dinner when at the last minute his regular cook took ill and they had to get a replacement at short notice. The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby looking Mexican.

The President voiced his concerns to his chief of staff but was told that this was the best they could do at such short notice.

Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his fingers in the soup to taste it and again he complained to his chief of staff about the cook, only to be told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef.

The meal went OK but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little off, and by the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea. It was getting worse and worse till finally he had to excuse himself from the state dinner to look for the bathroom.

Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the Mexican cook scratching his ass and this made him feel even worse. By now he was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom. He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened. He undid his trousers and ran in, whereupon he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees!

As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard him whisper in a barely audible voice,

"Monica, Please sack my cook!"

And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.

Richmond Fotog

10-10-11, 22:49

I just hope that none of this gets back to my wife!

A John

10-11-11, 06:02

Couldn't pass on sharing this quote!

Thought you would appreciate this!

Richmond Fotog

10-17-11, 22:33

A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: 'Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.

Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore.

Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore? ' 'And so, here we are! '

M13 Gunz

10-18-11, 21:02

I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented "You're definitely going to shit yourself" chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your ass cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No "Watson's Movement 2". Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.

Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that "Uh oh, got to go" pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.

The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake.

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things "clamped down", if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a.

Few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable "Oh my God", floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of "Shock and Awe". He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said,"Sonofabitch!", then quickly left.

Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said,"Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem."

That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted,"IT'S YOU!", then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

Beady

10-20-11, 11:18

They found where Bin Laden lived. And killed him.

They found where Gaddafi lived. And killed him.

Justin Bieber's address is:

825 Eighth Avenue.

28th Floor.

New York, NY 10019.

USA.

Just sayin.

A John

10-21-11, 16:45

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform.

The other if there was sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.

True to his word, he made the first contact:

"Sue. Sue"

"Is that you, George?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then.

It's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun.

And then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be.

Proud. Lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then.

Pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back.

To the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I.

Catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over.

Again"

"Oh, George, are you in Heaven?"

"No, I'm a rabbit in Kansas!"

Gdlint

10-23-11, 13:08

Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going.

Fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt!

Do you think I should change dentists?

Gdlint

10-25-11, 12:59

Sometimes you just want a quick blowjob.

http://www.redtube.com/8721

Richmond Fotog

10-29-11, 13:34

Charleston Daily Mail.

COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo. — Colorado Springs police say a man's girlfriend unexpectedly came home just before another woman was due to visit, so he called police to report his new acquaintance as a burglar.

The Gazette reports that Kevin Gaylor. 24, was cited with a misdemeanor of false reporting to authorities.

Police say Gaylor had invited a woman he met online to come to his home after 3 am Wednesday so they could get better acquainted, but his girlfriend came home first.

Police say that when the other woman arrived, Gaylor called police and falsely reported an intrusion.

http://www.policeone.com/bizarre/articles/4560247-Colo-boyfriend-reports-his-date-as-burglar/

Richmond Fotog

11-01-11, 22:06

So a guy wanted to get a tattoo of a 100 dollar bill on his penis, so he went to a tattoo artist. The tattoo artist asked the guy why he really wanted to get a 100 dollar bill on his penis. And the guy said, for one I like to play with my money. For two, I like to watch my money grow and Third, my girlfriend can blow 100 bucks better than anyone else.

Richmond Fotog

11-01-11, 22:07

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129? ' The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129? ' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak. ' Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory. '

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

A John

11-02-11, 03:10

Happy Thanksgiving Guys

Gdlint

11-02-11, 07:33

A woman comes home and tells her husband,"Remember

Those? Headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."?

"No more headaches?" the husband asks? 'What happened?"?

His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to? Stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat?

"I do not have a headache; ?

I do not have a headache?

I do not have a headache."?

It worked! The headaches are all gone."?

The husband replies,"Well, that's wonderful."?

His wife then says,"You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"?

The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom?

He puts her on the bed and says? "Don't move, I'll be right back."?

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before?

His wife says,"Boy, that was wonderful!"?

The husband says,"Don't move! I'll be right back."?

He goes back into the bathroom?

Comes back and round two was even better than the first time?

The wife sits up and her head is spinning?

Her husband again says?

Don't move, I'll be right back."?

With that, he goes back in the bathroom?

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom?

She sees him standing at the mirror and saying?

"She's not my wife?

She's not my wife?

She's not my wife."?

His funeral service will be held next Monday!

LordBlackAdder

11-04-11, 21:18

This is a enws story I found funny but true?

Zimbabwean man accused of bestiality says prostitute transformed into donkey.

By BNO News

A Zimbabwean court heard a bizarre excuse on Monday when a man accused of bestiality claimed he had hired a prostitute who transformed into a donkey overnight, local media reported on Wednesday.

Sunday Moyo. 28, was arrested at around 4 a. M. Local time on Sunday when officers on a routine patrol found him performing a sex act on a donkey in his yard in Zvishavane, a town in Midlands Province. The animal was lying on the ground and had been tied by the neck to a tree, according to the ZimEye news portal.

Moyo appeared in court on Monday but claimed he had no idea he was performing a sex act on a donkey."Your worship, I only came to know that I was being intimate with a donkey when I got arrested," he said, as quoted by ZimEye.

"I had hired a prostitute and paid US$20 for the service at Down Town night club and I don't know how she then became a donkey," Moyo claimed, adding that he is now 'seriously in love' with the animal.

The court ordered Moyo to be examined by two government psychiatrists and remanded him in custody until Thursday on a charge of bestiality. Both bestiality and prostitution are illegal in Zimbabwe.

Lurker X

11-07-11, 09:29

Once upon a time, a Man asked a beautiful young woman,"Will you marry me?"

She said,"NO!"

And the Man lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and banged long-legged slender big tittied broads and hunted and fished and went to strip clubs and dated women half his age and drank whiskey, beer and wine and stayed out till sunrise and never heard bitching or complaining and never paid child support or alimony and banged cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate steak and potatoes and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

The end

CookyJar

11-07-11, 11:12

Nodak Boy

11-08-11, 03:46

I was flipping through my Brookstone catalog and came upon this innocent enough looking picture of a guy enjoying his massage chair as a cute woman walks past, supposedly impressed with the chair. However, my cro-magnon brain caught a glimpse of the woman's hand looking like it's stroking the guys fun area, and I laughed for a second, no wonder the guy is smiling. Did anyone else think the same thing?

KC Questor

11-08-11, 15:47

Did anyone else think the same thing?Until I saw her foot under the chair back, I thought it looked like she was straddling him.

Of course I honestly believe that this was unintentional and there was no thought to making this ad sexual in any way... ::eyeroll::

A John

11-10-11, 21:15

One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it.

Under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold.

To drink.

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and.

Asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside? '

The blonde said it was hers.

'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.

The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up.

Under that shade tree. '

The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to.

Be bred. '

'No way, ' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't.

Hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin. '

The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your.

Dog wants to have sex! '

The blonde looked at the cop and said,

'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog. '

Gdlint

11-13-11, 11:57

After Daylight Savings Time ended last year I stopped in to visit my hearing impaired friend.

He was busy painting his penis with a black marker.

I said to him,"You idiot! You're supposed to turn your clock back."

A John

11-13-11, 20:08

A ventriloquist is touring the clubs and, one night, he's doing a show in a small town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes. Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting,"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general. Pathetically all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap!"

A John

11-14-11, 18:43

The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

GOV'T AGENT: 'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them. '

RANCHER: 'Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally. '

GOV'T AGENT: 'That's the guy I want to talk to. The mentally challenged one. '

RANCHER: 'That would be me. '

A John

11-17-11, 20:55

The producers of this beer commercial borrowed a small 150 seat cinema.

Playing a popular film, and filled 148 of its seats with.

Rough-looking, tattooed bikers, leaving only two free seats in the.

Middle of the theater. They then allowed theater management to sell.

Tickets for the last pair of tickets to several young couples.

What would you do?

Watch till the end.

http://www.theinspiration.com/2011/09/carlsberg-stunt-in-cinema/

A John

11-18-11, 18:07

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room, the first surgeries of the day. The first kid leans over and asks,

"What are you in here for?"

The second kid says,"I'm getting my tonsils out, and I'm afraid."

The first kid says,

"You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks,

"What are you here for?"

The first kid says,"Circumcision."

"Whoa!" the second kid replies,"Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

A John

11-18-11, 19:58

McDonald`s is letting it all out.

Gdlint

11-21-11, 12:11

The man said to the dentist,"Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry.

I have two buddies sitting out in my truck waiting for us to go.

Deer hunting, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time.

For the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth,

And be done with it! We have our feeders set to go off in thirty.

Minutes. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work! '

The dentist thought to himself,"My goodness, this is surely a.

Very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled.

Without using anything to kill the pain."

So the dentist asks him,"Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said,"Open your mouth Honey,

And show him.

EDITOR's NOTE: This report was published with unnecessary HARD RETURNS at the end of every line of text, resulting in the text being incorrectly broken up into separate, incomplete sentences.

There is NO NEED for any report to be written with HARD RETURNS at the end of every line of text.

If you are adding these hard returns at the end of every line by using the ENTER key, then please stop. Instead, simply allow the text to "wrap" automatically at the end of each line when typing. The ENTER key is only needed to separate the paragraphs.

However, if the unnecessary hard returns were the result of you having pasted the text into the forum from another source (such as a news story), then your option is to either edit out the unnecessary hard returns or don't paste the text.

Please do not post text with unnecessary hard returns in the Forum. Thanks!

Seva Lurker

11-21-11, 18:57

Jackson,

This is one of the very few times I have to publicly disagree with you. Yes, the hard returns are disruptive, but the really major problem is the formatting tools used by the forum.

The automatic new line capitalization and other formatting (e. G, This is one example of for the period issue auto spaces after periods, even when they are a decimal point or making URL links new lines even when they are part of a sentence) done by the software also make reading some posts difficult. It also makes typing a report equally difficult.

Now for people who copy and paste a story from their email, please do as Jackson says and remove the returns. But Jackson, please look at the other auto formatting problems.

EDITOR's NOTE: This report was published with unnecessary HARD RETURNS At the end of every line of text, resulting in the text being incorrectly broken up into separate, incomplete sentences.

There is NO NEED For any report to be written with HARD RETURNS At the end of every line of text.

If you are adding these hard returns at the end of every line by using the ENTER key, then please stop. Instead, simply allow the text to "wrap" automatically at the end of each line when typing. The ENTER key is only needed to separate the paragraphs.

However, if the unnecessary hard returns were the result of you having pasted the text into the forum from another source (such as a news story) , then your option is to either edit out the unnecessary hard returns or don't paste the text.

Please do not post text with unnecessary hard returns in the Forum. Thanks!

A John

11-22-11, 16:46

Ed came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ed. ' Ed was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back! ' St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken. ' Ed was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here? ' 'Not bad, ' replied Ed the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm going to explode! ' 'You're ovulating, ' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before? ' 'Never, ' said Ed.

'Well, just relax and let it happen, ' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal. ' He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg. His joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.

"Ed, wake up! You shit the bed!"

Getting OLD just ain't what they said it would be!

Wireless91910

11-22-11, 16:53

Why Beer is Better than a woman.

A John

11-30-11, 05:21

Tattoo artist Ryan * from Dayton, was hit with a $100, 000 lawsuit last week by his ex-girlfriend Rossie. She claims that her boyfriend was supposed to tattoo a scene from Narnia on her back but instead tattooed an image of a pile of excrement with flies buzzing around it.

Apparently, Ryan found out that Rossie had cheated with a long-time friend of his, but instead of confronting her about it he acted like everything was normal and hatched a plan for revenge. Originally, Rossie tried to have Ryan charged with assault, but the ingenious tattoo artist had covered his bases by plying Rossie with wine and tequila shots and getting her to sign a consent form that stated the design was 'at the artist's discretion. '

No word from Rossie on whether the illicit night of passion with Ryan's friend was worth it. Moral of the story? Never cheat on a tattoo artist.

Sorry guys the photo would not upload.

KC Questor

11-30-11, 20:43

Sorry guys the photo would not upload.Here ya go!

155497

Seva Lurker

11-30-11, 22:29

Gdlint

12-03-11, 10:39

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She's 21 and her name's Lucy.

A John

12-03-11, 10:51

And your point is?
Hence why its posted in the Thread: "Jokes & Humorous Stories"

And it is all a pile of what we see on her back. .

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/buster/poop-tattoo-story-is-crap-8764319

Gdlint

12-04-11, 11:02

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the

Time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no

Supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the

Most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

Her sun-bleached hair glistened against her deeply bronzed skin.

Her brilliant smile dazzled him.

In disbelief, he asks,"Where did you come from? How did you get

Here?"

She replies,"I rowed over from the other side of the island where I

Landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes."You were really lucky to have a row boat wash

Up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman."I made the boat out of some

Raw material I found on the island.

The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom

From palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a

Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman."On the south side of

The island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I

Found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it

Melted into ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools

To make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says.

So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small

Wharf.

As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him

Is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp

Rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the

House, she says casually,

"It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please."

"Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed."I can't take

Another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman."I have a still. How

Would you like a Tropical Spritz?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they

Sit down on her couch to talk.

After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman

Announces,

"I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like

To take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet

Upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the

Bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of

Tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened

On to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses."What's next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small

Flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled

Faintly of gardenias.

She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him,

"We've both been out here for many months.

You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around? '

She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing."You mean." he swallows

Excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes, and his knees quiver slightly.

In anticipation.

"You've built a Golf Course?"

EDITOR's NOTE: This report was published with unnecessary HARD RETURNS at the end of every line of text, resulting in the text being incorrectly broken up into separate, incomplete sentences.

There is NO NEED for any report to be written with HARD RETURNS at the end of every line of text.

If you are adding these hard returns at the end of every line by using the ENTER key, then please stop. Instead, simply allow the text to "wrap" automatically at the end of each line when typing. The ENTER key is only needed to separate the paragraphs.

However, if the unnecessary hard returns were the result of you having pasted the text into the forum from another source (such as a news story), then your option is to either edit out the unnecessary hard returns or don't paste the text.

Please do not post text with unnecessary hard returns in the Forum. Thanks!

Gdlint

12-05-11, 10:23

Seva Lurker

12-05-11, 14:34

I have been pasting jokes for over 5 years on this site. I'm not doing anything different than I always have done. I'm now getting Jackson pissed at me for "Hard Returns". I'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer on the computer (I know just enough to get in trouble). Can any member give me some tips of what NOT to do as I don't understand how to copy and past a joke that somebody emails me, post it here and not piss Jackson off? Are all of the jokes here typed individually out as opposed to being copied and pasted?

Confused GdlintWhen you paste the joke, go to the end of each line and delete the return. That will bring the next line up to the current line. You may or may not need to add a space when you do that.

Of course when you reach a punch line or new paragraph, you may want it (for the paragraph you will) want the hard return.

Just think of this like an email that has been forwarded and you see all the " " at the start of each line.

If you have Word and the joke is a long one, you can paste it into word and do a global search and replace. Use Ctrl-H (find and replace dialog) , in the find enter p and in the replace just hit the space bar. Then click 'replace all'. Once that's done add line breaks where needed for clarity.

A John

12-05-11, 16:00

Gdlint

12-05-11, 16:01

When you paste the joke, go to the end of each line and delete the return. That will bring the next line up to the current line. You may or may not need to add a space when you do that.

Of course when you reach a punch line or new paragraph, you may want it (for the paragraph you will) want the hard return.

Just think of this like an email that has been forwarded and you see all the " " at the start of each line.

If you have Word and the joke is a long one, you can paste it into word and do a global search and replace. Use Ctrl-H (find and replace dialog) , in the find enter p and in the replace just hit the space bar. Then click 'replace all'. Once that's done add line breaks where needed for clarity.Thanks for the advice. Too much B. S. for just a joke me thinks. I'll just post a pic or I'll shut the F*k up, I think the joke section will suffer with this new regulation. Maybe not, time will tell.

KC Questor

12-05-11, 16:13

Here's a tip. When you paste the joke in here, widen your browser window so it fills the screen. If you widen the window, the text should adjust so that it wraps normally. If the text has hard returns at the end of each line, then widening and narrowing the window won't have any effect, and the lines will always be the same length.

If that's the case. Changing the window width doesn't change the lines. Then do what Seva suggests and manually delete the hard breaks by going to the start of a line and backspacing to bring the line up.

Spazen

12-06-11, 05:19

Gdlint:

I would agree, the double-spaced joke is LONG and ridiculous looking and it doesn't conform to the writing style that's expected. I've seen a lot of your posted jokes and that one isn't like you.

Word is useful sometimes. You can use it to replace two end of lines with a single end of lines. It's also useful for paragraph formatting to fix all caps or all lower case.

Member #4434

12-09-11, 16:17

Gdlint

12-09-11, 16:43

I totally agree with you! I always check out the joke section for your's and A John's jokes. While the way the last joke was broken up by the forum's software, did make it a tad bit different to read, I still thought is was very funny. I tried the tips that were suggested to correct it myself with word. Like you said. Just too much trouble for a joke! If you decide to stop posting them because of this, the section will suffer!Thanks, I'm just not going to do all of that crap to post a joke when I've been doing it the same way for years. I understand that Jackson has his rules and that is his right. Maybe I'm just lazy?

Richmond Fotog

12-09-11, 16:59

I started noticing a change with the extra line breaks and hard returns when the forum software changed earlier this year and it has a different word processor.

If I copy-and-paste anything on here from a site or HTML email I paste it into a plain text email first then copy-and-paste that here. Plain text just removes the original formatting and usually takes all of the extra line breaks out of the message. When you paste it here in plain text it lets the forum software do its thing.

You don't always have to do this. It depends on the format, etc of the original text you're copying.

Are all of the jokes here typed individually out as opposed to being copied and pasted?

Confused Gdlint

Mirrar

12-12-11, 17:43

We all know the holiday season is a time for parties with friends. This is also a time when many of us might take a risk we otherwise would avoid. Don't do it! Being pulled over in your car after a few too many can really ruin the merriment.

Just this past Saturday my wife and I attended a grand party at the home of a co-worker in town. When it was time to leave, I had consumed a few more than I should have. The wife suggested a taxi, as she does not drive at night. Despite her objections, I decided we would take a bus instead. Surprisingly it was not too bad and we arrived home safe. It is quite amazing considering I had never driven a bus before and I do not recall exactly where I got it!

Salvances

12-20-11, 19:42

A man slides up to an attractive lady at a bar, smiles and asks "whats your name?" "Carmen" she replies with a smile."But its not my real name." "Oh" says the man."Why do you have another name?" "Well she says, it's the things I like the most." "Cars and men." "Get it?" "Car-Men." "What"s your name?" The man pauses, smiles then says."B. J. Titsangolf."

Winddance1

12-21-11, 11:34

North Korea announced this morning that their dead leader will have his name changed from Kim Jong IL to Kim Jong Dead.

A John

12-28-11, 20:19

Take that, bandit.

http://www.thedaily.com/page/2011/12/27/122711-news-clerk-punches-robber-video-page/

Intruder225

01-05-12, 06:59

http://www.heaven666.org/hooker-posing-and-flaunting-giant-ass-33253.php

A John

01-12-12, 21:19

Tit for tat.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sF7K5bsj7mk

A John

01-16-12, 09:30

She's single. She lives right across the street. I can see her house from my living room. I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway. She knocked on my door. I rushed to open it. She looks at me, and says,"I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long! Are you busy tonight?" I immediately replied,"Nope, I'm free. I have no plans at all!" Then she said,"Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?"

MAN. IT'S NO FUN GETTING OLD!

Lombardo

01-16-12, 21:24

http://www.snotr.com/video/8643/BIG_PUSSY

A John

01-30-12, 23:55

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'. The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano? 'Yes, Father, it is. ' 'And who was the girl you were with? ' 'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'."Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti? 'I cannot say. ' 'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli? ' 'I'll never tell. ' 'Was it Nina Capelli? ' 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her. ' 'Was it Cathy Piriano? ' 'My lips are sealed. ' 'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then? ' 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you. ' The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that, but you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself. '

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get? '

'Four months vacation and five good leads. '

Gdlint

02-13-12, 18:26

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with queenly large breasts.

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason.

He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that, among all of the citizens of the kingdom, only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and was hailed by both the King and Queen as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick. .

The moral of the story. Pay your fuckin' bills.

Gdlint

02-14-12, 09:54

Let's test the way you think:

Thepenisinhermouth.

Did you read this phrase?

'the pen is in her mouth'

Nah, me neither.

A John

02-19-12, 07:56

When Ted died of Heart Disease. Judy married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident. 12 years later again Judy remarried, this time She & John had 5 more children. Judy finally died, after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,"Lord, they are finally together." Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret: "Margaret, do you think he means her 1st. 2nd, or 3rd husband?"

Margaret replied: "I think he means her legs, Ethel.

A John

03-01-12, 07:10

Throughout the ages, men have been trying to unlock the mystery as to why their wives who accepted them as they were before they got married, subtly and with determination began the quest to change their behavior and life-style once their vows were exchanged. Finally, the riddle was solved. A social-scientist arrived at a simple and logical conclusion.

When the bride, accompanied by her father, starts to walk slowly down the long aisle, she sees the altar at the end and hears the choir singing a hymn. Walking down the aisle, the conditioning process where the brain absorbs these three stimuli: aisle, altar, hymn, begins. She becomes mesmerized as she continually reinforces these perceptions:

Aisle, altar, hymn. Aisle, altar, hymn. Aisle, altar, hymn. And finally, as she stops beside the groom, the conditioning process is completed.

She looks up at him lovingly, smiling sweetly and thinks:

"I'll alter him."

Gdlint

03-15-12, 10:04

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam,

We're stoning her in the morning!

MadBastid

03-16-12, 00:15

So I pull up on this hooker and ask "How much for a blowjob?"

She says "$30"

I say "Can you do twenty?"

She gets in car and says "Sure."

So I handed her $600.

A John

03-22-12, 07:09

Jennifer, a manager at Wal-Mart, had the task of hiring someone to fill a.

Job opening. After sorting through a stack of 20 resumes she found four.

People who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and.

Ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them.

Would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer.

Asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of? '

The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT. ' It just pops into your head. There's no.

Warning.

'That's very good! ' replied Jennifer.

'And, now you sir? ', she asked the second man.

'Hmmm. Let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it.

Ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of. '

'Excellent! ' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular.

Cliche for speed. ' She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating.

His reply.

'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall.

There's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the.

Pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yip,

TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of. '

Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found.

Her man.

'It's hard to beat the speed of light, ' she said.

Turning to Louie, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same.

Question.

Old Louie replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious.

To me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA. '

'WHAT! ' said Jennifer, stunned by the response.

'Oh sure', said Louie. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good,

And I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE.

LIGHT, I had already shit my pants. '

Louie is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!

You probably will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now.

On.

A John

03-23-12, 17:36

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher,"I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said,"Okay, but don't go in that field over there.", as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying," Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher."See this fucking badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish. On any land! No questions asked or answers given! Have I made myself clear. Do you understand?"

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull. With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.

"Your badge, show him your FUCKING BADGE.

A John

03-27-12, 18:51

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:

Two Prostitutes. $50. 00.

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:

'JESUS SAVES. '

One of the girls asked the officer, 'How come you don't stop them? '

'Well, that's a little different, ' the officer smiled, 'Their sign pertains to religion. '

The following day the same police officer noticed the same two hookers driving around with a large sign on their car.

He figured he had an easy arrest. Until he read their new sign:

Two Fallen Angels.

Seeking Peter. $50

A John

04-08-12, 17:52

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning:

"Windows frozen."

Husband texts back:

"Pour some lukewarm water over it. Not too hot."

Wife texts back:

"Computer completely fucked now."

A John

04-10-12, 16:33

A man boarded a plane with six kids.

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked,

"Are all of those kids yours?"

He replied,"No Ma'am, I work for a condom manufacturer. These are customer complaints."

SgtPerv

04-12-12, 09:49

Beware of the most recent Ebay Scam! If you buy stuff on line, check out the seller carefully. Be careful what you purchase on eBay. A buddy of mine spent $50 on a penis enlarger. Bastard sent him a magnifying glass. Instructions said,"Do not use in the sunlight".

Dildo Baggens

04-23-12, 21:50

These Reviews are great! Really funny.

Baggens.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/B000KKNQBK/ref=dp_top_cm_cr_acr_txt/276-9480363-3437341?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1

Lurker X

04-28-12, 10:56

Life is like a penis. Simple, relaxed and hanging free.

It's women who make it hard!

A John

05-04-12, 15:11

Have you ever felt like strangling one of those 'loud mouthed' cell phone users who seem to sit near you in a restaurant or any other place and forcibly share their private call with you.

Here's one solution, provided by a commuter on how to combat this display of bad manners.

After a very busy day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed Montreal for Hudson.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:

"Hi sweetheart it's Eric, I'm on the train. Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty but I had a long meeting. No, honey, not with that floozie from the accounts office, with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart" etc, etc.

Fifteen minutes later at St. Anne de Bellevue he was still talking loudly, when the young woman sitting next to him, who was obviously angered by his continuous diatribe, yelled at the top of her voice:

"Hey, Eric, turn that stupid phone off and come back to bed!"

My guess would be that Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.

Mailer

05-05-12, 11:10

I was getting a oiled HJ and the provider started to become tired. She asked if I wanted to finish myself off I said no. So she kept going and eventually I came right in her face. She jumped back and said I should of told her. I said I didn't know. I'm not sure if she meant that I was about to cum or that I shoot that far. Maybe not a hilarious story but I thought it was amusing to some extent. It was my first happy ending.

A John

05-07-12, 15:55

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment. Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?" 'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

'Good Heavens, ' said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?" "Don't Fuck with Mommy when she's been drinking."

Chuka

05-14-12, 12:11

This is a backpage ad, but probably not a provider ad:

http://detroit.backpage.com/WomenSeekMen/i-want-to-get-married-andhave-a-baby-you-must-be-mature-f-secure-and-have-no-kids-36/8643446

Hello, I am divorced single mom I want to get married and have a baby.

I AM IN WINDSOR THIS WEEKEND, I AM LEAVING FOR TORONTO ON MONDAY! I don't drink at all, I don't smoke, I don't do drugs, I EXPECT SAME FROM YOU!

Do not reply if you are a sagitarius or scorpio!

I AM LOOKING FOR A GUY WHO HAS NO KIDS, I don't CARE IF THEY ARE ALL GROWN UP, I HATE MEN WITH KIDS!

I AM 36 YRS OLD, AND I AM LOOKING FOR A GUY 40+, I LIKE INTELLIGENT CONVERSATIONS.

I am atracted to tall guys atleast 6' and atleast 200 ibs, I am skinny I don't like skinny guys I prefer guys who are into MILITARY, CARS, ECONOMY OR POLITICS PLEASE SEND 3 PICS FACE, BODY, COX IF U DO NOT SEND PIC DO NOT WASTE your TIME LIFE IS TOO SHORT! GOODLUCK TO EVERYBODY! PLEASE SEND YOUR PICS I WILL NOT REPLY IF YOU HAVE NO PICS.

I AM LOOKING FOR A WHITE GUY WHO IS %100 DEMOCRAT ONLY.

YOU MUST HAVE BLUE OR GREEN OR GREY EYES ONLY!

I AM BRUNETTE WITH BROWN EYES AND I LIKE LIGHT EYES!

IF YOU DO NOT MATCH MY REQUIREMENTS, don't GET UPSET, INSTEAD FIND ME WHAT I NEED AND U WILL BE THE BESTMAN AT OUR WEDDING!

TO SEE MY REAL PICS please GOOGLE 519 9/9/2/7/7/6/4.The part that really hit my LOL button is the race and politics line.

A John

05-14-12, 21:38

A Country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.

With super-human strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood, lifting sacks of feed, and bales of hay, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the barn.

She put his manhood in a vice and then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw.

The banged up cheater was terrified, and hollered,"Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said."Nope. You are!

I'm going to burn down the Barn!"

A John

06-02-12, 18:03

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?

It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life.

If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your ass and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eyes.

My public service is done for the day!

Keep laughing. Life is too short to take too seriously.

A John

06-11-12, 18:39

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.

The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his.

Wife inbed with another man! The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money:

He paid for the Porsche I gave you. HE paid for our new cabin cruiser. HE paid for your football season tickets.

HE paid for our house at the lake. He paid for your Hawaiian golf vacation. HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues! '

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do? ' The cabby replies, 'I'd.

Cover his ass with that blanket before he catches cold. '

Gdlint

06-13-12, 14:00

Although peeling a tomato is not an extremely common method in many home kitchens, it is a very useful process to be familiar with. Some recipes will call for a tomato to be peeled and seeded in order to rid the tomato of any bitter taste that the peel and seeds can contain. Remove any stickers and wash the tomato thoroughly, and cut a very shallow X on the bottom of the tomato. Prepare a bowl of ice water and set it aside. Place a pot of water on the stove and bring it to a boil. Then, drop the tomato into the boiling water. Once you notice any skin peeling off the tomato, or that 30 seconds is up, quickly remove the tomato and place it into the prepared bowl of ice water. Let the tomato sit in the ice bath for at least five minutes. Once the tomato has been chilled, remove it from the ice water and peel the skin off with your hands.

This method can also be used for peeling peaches and plums.

Joe Black

06-14-12, 02:34

My Dick is so big, I'm married to it by Common Law.

My Dick is so big, it claims me as a dependant on tax forms.

If I want to get a Prince Albert, I need a harpoon and a barbershop pole.

My Dick can tell time. What to do.

My Dick is so big, I can drive in the HOV lane by myself.

My Dick is so big, my mom was expecting twins.

My Dick is so big, it had 3 farewell tours*

My Dick is so big, it warns me about future events.

Gdlint

06-17-12, 15:33

A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.

A boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.

"No, they went to town."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No, he went with Mom and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably,"I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".

The boy thought for a moment.

"You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

A John

06-22-12, 22:32

Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.

When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home. Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said,"I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Nancy took a deep breath and responded,"Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

Ed said,"I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight."

Gdlint

06-29-12, 14:44

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend this morning who called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'old magic'. Wow! I was flabbergasted.

'I don't know if I could keep pace with you now, ' I said, 'I'm a bit older and a bit grayer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have. ' She just giggled and said she was sure I would 'rise to the challenge. ' 'Yeah, ' I said. 'Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone. Everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane! ' She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me saying that tubby, gray-haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, 'I've put on a few pounds myself! ' So I told her to fuck off.

Gdlint

07-08-12, 13:36

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says,"Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!"

Exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too,"

Says the duck.

"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that,"

Says the barman as he pulls the duck a pint.

"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road,"

Explains the duck.

"I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you?

Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus.

He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous,"

Says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.

"Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job,"

Says the duck.

"Where is it?"

"At the circus,"

Says the barman.

"The circus?"

Repeats the duck.

"That's right,"

Replies the barman.

"The circus?"

The duck asks again.

With the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says. .

"What the fuck would they want with a plasterer?"

Malabar

07-15-12, 08:18

http://www.demotivationalposters.org/product-delivery-pizza-day-prostitutes-should-come-fast-they-demotivational-posters-84192.html

Gdlint

07-29-12, 13:34

A young woman had been taking golf lessons.

She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.

Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, 'Why are you back in so early? What's wrong? ' 'I was stung by a bee, ' she said.

'Where, ' he asked.

'Between the first and second hole, ' she replied.

Gdlint

07-30-12, 08:46

Gdlint

08-03-12, 12:23

A modern day cowboy named Bob has spent many days crossing the South Dakota prairies without water.

His horse had already died of thirst. He's crawling along the dusty ground, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the ground several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the ground and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase. He opens it and out pops a genie named Patty. But she is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing an IRS I'd badge and a dull grey outfit.

There's a Calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. 'Well, cowboy, ' says the genie, 'You know how I work. You have three wishes. ' 'I'm not falling for this, ' said the cowboy, 'I'm not going to trust an IRS genie. ' 'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway! ' The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right.

'OK! I wish I were along-side a lush spring with plenty of food and drink. '

*POOF*

The cowboy finds himself beside the most beautiful spring he has ever seen, and he's surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish. ' 'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams. '

* *POOF*

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one! ' After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says, 'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me. '

*POOF*

He was turned into a tampon.

Moral of the story:

If the USA government offers to help you, there's going to be a string attached.

Gdlint

08-06-12, 15:13

Saw a billboard for Chick-fil-A that read: "EET LES DIK."

Gdlint

08-15-12, 22:04

If you have sex with a prostitute against their will, is that rape or shoplifting?

Old Local Guy

08-22-12, 20:30

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said,"Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery.

As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.

He said,"Do you have any rye bread?"

She said,"Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said,"I want five loaves."

She said,"My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied,"I can't believe everybody knows about this stuff but me."

Gdlint

08-26-12, 15:09

I was in a pub last Saturday night, and drank a few, and noticed two very large women by the bar.

They both had pretty strong accents, so I asked,"Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?"

One of them chirped saying,"It's WALES, you friggin' idiot!"

So, I immediately apologized and said,"I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland?"

They don't want me back in the pub anymore.

Golfcart

08-28-12, 20:34

We are in trouble. The population of this country is 300 million. 165 million are retired. That leaves 135 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 50 million to do the work. Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government leaving 15 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden and his buddies which leaves 12.2 million to do the work. Take from that the 10.8 million people who work for state and city governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals leaving 1,212,000 people to do the work. There are 1,211,998 people in prisons leaving only two people to do the work. You and me. And here you are, sitting on your ass, at your computer, reading jokes. We are in trouble.

Winddance1

08-30-12, 11:10

Know who to make a 75 year old woman yell FUCK!

Have another 75 year old lady yess BINGO.

Drew Park

09-07-12, 17:59

Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day only catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding on a condom. Johnny's father, in attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it, bent over as if to look under the bed. Little Johnny asked curiously "What ya doing dad?" His father quickly replied,"I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed, to which Little Johnny replied "What ya going to do, fuck him?"

Golfcart

09-07-12, 19:24

Little Johnny was at school and one of his friends had a new watch. Johnny asked how he got it and the friend said he asked his father for a watch. Johnny went home after school and found his dad's car in the driveway earlier than normal. Johnny went inside, nobody appeared at home, and went upstairs to hear a noise coming from his parents' bedroom. Going inside Johnny saw his dad on top of his mother. The dad saw Johnny. Johnny said, "Dad, I want a watch." The dad said, "Stand in the corner and don't make any noise."

Gdlint

10-24-12, 13:39

My wife says to me the other night "How come we don't make love like they do in the movies?" So I bent her over the table, slapped her on each ass cheek a dozen times, rammed it in her ass, grabbed her by the hair and yanked her neck back so she'd be forced to watch me jackhammer her from behind, then flipped her over and came on her face. She was SO pissed! Turns out we don't watch the same movies.

Head First

12-17-12, 01:27

A husband was asked: Do you talk to your wife after sex?

His answer: Depends, if I can find a phone.

Velasco

12-17-12, 02:22

On a trip to Vegas last year I sat next to this family on my flight. The family had mom, dad, and 3 kids (19 yo son. 17 yo daughter and a 13 yo son). I am pretty sure they were Brazilian, as they spoke Portuguese. We did not exchange any conversation, though.

Anyway, we land in Vegas and went our separate ways. I went to my hotel and checked in, then went and grabbed a bite to eat before checking out talent in the casinos. For those of you that are unfamiliar with the Vegas scene, there are providers who hang out in the casinos. Long story short, I see this petite Filipina with a massive rack practically hanging out of her tight T-shirt. I sit down next to her on the slots and after some conversation we decide to head to my room.

So there I am, holding hands with the Filipina waiting for the elevator. Eventually the doors open and out comes the Brazilian family from my flight. I don't think the kids even looked at me, but the parents did. I just gave an embarrassed smile as they went by. Who would have guessed the odds of such an event happening.

P. S. The rack was REAL and SPECTACULAR!

KC Questor

12-27-12, 19:01

So I went out the other night for a drive down the local stroll. I met a nice girl and we came to a business arrangement for oral services which were transacted in my car. She was properly compensated and I headed home secure that I had safely completed a pleasurable evening excursion. When I got home I made a sandwich, watched some TV, and surfed the Web for a few hours before getting undressed and hopping in the shower. Imagine my surprise when I started to wash my junk when I found this hiding away down there! It was lying flat, right in the crease where my thigh meets my scrotum. Despite the terrifying shape, I had no idea that it was there for hours.

220980

Every time I look at it I wonder what could have gone wrong. Imagine me shifting in my seat while driving home and feeling jabbed in the nuts! Or imagine if a certain someone decided to get frisky that night, and her hand found her way down there only to get jabbed by a needle that I couldn't explain away. I mean, I can fast talk if a hooker left an earring in my car, but in my CROTCH? No way. Scary!

Carnicero

12-27-12, 19:38

Having a little trouble figuring out how this fits in the "Jokes & Humorous Stories" thread?

So I went out the other night for a drive down the local stroll. I met a nice girl and we came to a business arrangement for oral services which were transacted in my car. She was properly compensated and I headed home secure that I had safely completed a pleasurable evening excursion. When I got home I made a sandwich, watched some TV, and surfed the Web for a few hours before getting undressed and hopping in the shower. Imagine my surprise when I started to wash my junk when I found this hiding away down there! It was lying flat, right in the crease where my thigh meets my scrotum. Despite the terrifying shape, I had no idea that it was there for hours.

220980

Every time I look at it I wonder what could have gone wrong. Imagine me shifting in my seat while driving home and feeling jabbed in the nuts! Or imagine if a certain someone decided to get frisky that night, and her hand found her way down there only to get jabbed by a needle that I couldn't explain away. I mean, I can fast talk if a hooker left an earring in my car, but in my CROTCH? No way. Scary!

Crazy Jim Wood

12-27-12, 21:03

Next time, aim for her eye. It is their fucking job to be attentive and know when you're going to cum and how far a man will shoot, not fall asleep on the job.

I was getting a oiled HJ and the provider started to become tired. She asked if I wanted to finish myself off I said no. So she kept going and eventually I came right in her face. She jumped back and said I should of told her. I said I didn't know. I'm not sure if she meant that I was about to cum or that I shoot that far. Maybe not a hilarious story but I thought it was amusing to some extent. It was my first happy ending.

KC Questor

12-28-12, 04:00

Having a little trouble figuring out how this fits in the "Jokes & Humorous Stories" thread?I thought it was humorous. I guess I shouldn't have been so focused on how scary it was. In hind sight, it's pretty funny to me. My buddies have been giving me shit about what else I'm going to find in my crotch.

Gansett

01-09-13, 13:29

My buddy asked to sleep on my couch for a couple of days. His wife sent him to the pharmacy to get some help for his ED problem. He came back with a bottle of diet pills.

Sully15

01-13-13, 12:35

http://www.khou.com/news/local/Robbery-victim-wants-to-thank-Good-Samaritans-who-came-to-his-rescue--186572461.html

Reading news, I was amused, while checking out this feature. A loser schmuck, ran out of luck, an idiotic creature.

He robbed a gent, and then he went, but didn't get too far. It caught the eyes, of these two guys, who chased him with their car.

They had his track, did not hold back, and tried to apprehend. The suspect fled, while shooting lead, his freedom to defend.

Here's the joke, this hapless bloke, after he'd been shot. As he slumped, a fence he jumped, escape is what he sought.

To his dismay, was not his day, a German sort of pup. Was in this place, and then his face, you just can't make this up.

I would advise, next time he tries, for trouble to engage. Violence decline, and go online, to favorite site Backpage. © Sully15. All rights reserved.

HOUSTON. A couple of strangers came to the rescue when a man was robbed at gunpoint. Now, the victim wants to say thank you to the Good Samaritans.

Police believe the criminal who was canvassing a neighborhood in the 2500 block of Wichita near Hermann Park had no idea what he was in for when he picked his target.

The victim in this case had just walked back to his car from a bar around the corner.

The victim says he hadn't even closed his car door Thursday night when a man wearing all black and a ski mask put a gun to his chest. The man took the victim's wallet, cell phone and car keys.

After he was robbed, the victim began running down the street and says two men in a Mercedes asked him what had happened.

The victim told them and they not only caught up with the suspect, but they started shooting at him.

The suspect fired back. In the end, the two witnesses turned vigilantes won and took down the bad guy.

'I don't believe in guns, ' said the victim. 'I don't own a gun. I'm totally at the mercy of my saviors. They obviously sent two angels to help me. These people protected me when I couldn't protect myself. '

After the robber had been shot, police say he jumped over a fence and was attacked by a German Shepherd. That attack prevented him from getting away.

The suspect is being treated at Ben Taub Hospital. He's expected to recover.

Hotwad

01-20-13, 13:19

1) What's the difference between making love to your woman and a washing machine- after you put your load in a washing machine you don't have to hug and kiss it for 5 minutes before you can walk away.

2) What's the difference between a homosexual and a refrigerator- When you pull your meat out of a refrigerator it doesn't fart.

3) A Jewish guy went to a nudist camp. He got an erection so he ran into dark room to hide it, ran into the wall and broke his nose.

4) A drunken farmers walks into a bedroom holding a sheep under his arm and looks at the woman in the bed and says this is the pig I have been screwing. The woman rolls over and says your so drunk you don't even know that is a sheep. He replied shut up I was'nt talking to you.

5) What separates a redneck from a asshole- the Ohio river.

Seva Lurker

01-20-13, 17:03

.

5) What separates a redneck from a asshole- the Ohio river.On that topic, I understand they raised the drinking age in Kentucky to 35?

They want to get the alcohol out of the schools.

Got that one from the morning show DJs on a Dayton, OH radio station.

KC Questor

01-20-13, 23:22

Kentucky was the only place I've ever been arrested. They got me for bringing books into the state.

They had to let me go, though. No one could prove they were books.

Hotwad

01-25-13, 23:55

I think I had a little too much Jack Daniels before I wrote that. Did not mean to insult anyone, just cause a laugh. One more-A guy says to his wife," we are going to have sex tonight." And she replies, what makes you so sure of that and he says "because I am stronger than you are."

Just for a laugh, I believe in consentual sex only.

A waiter goes up to a table of (jewish) women and says," is anything alright here?"

RubMeToo

02-07-13, 18:27

One day at a mortuary, the new embalmer says to his boss,"There's a problem with the pretty, new arrival. She has a shrimp growing out of her pussy."

"That's impossible," the boss says.

"Show me."

They go to the table, the guy flips back the sheet, points and says,"See?"

The boss takes a closer look and says "You idiot, that's not a shrimp. That's her clitoris."

"Hmm," says the embalmer."Sure tasted like shrimp."

Johnkat111

02-07-13, 20:41

A very young and naive priest was headed for his first assignment in NYC. As he started walking from the Bus Station a SW yelled at him,"Hey Father how about a BJ just 30 bucks." Confused, the young priest kept walking. Eventually he passed another SW who said,"Hey Father how about a BJ just 30 bucks." Finally he got to the same block as the church when another SW said to him,"Hey Father how about a BJ just 30 bucks." Finally he reached the church where he was met by the Mother Superior who gave him an orientation. When they were finished she asked him if he had any questions. The Priest hesitated a moment and said,"Sister, what is a BJ?" The Sister looked at him and said,"30 bucks, same as downtown."

Gdlint

02-11-13, 16:43

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out,

"Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies,"There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back,"Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back,

"Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"

"Ma replies,"Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back,"I ain't stickin my head in that hole!

"Ma says,"Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back,

"Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back,"Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling,

"Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies,"Hurts, don't it?"

Joe Black

02-16-13, 23:31

The Pope calls his mother right after being elected Pope.

Pope: Hi mom, I've got some good news and some bad news.

Mother: What's the good news?

Pope: I've just been elected Pope.

Mother: What's the bad news?

Pope: I have to move into an Italian neighborhood.

Joe Black

02-16-13, 23:32

The Polish were upset because of their bad reputation. A group of them got together and approached a conference of Americans, Germans, and Japanese and asked for help on this matter. An American replied,"You must do something so the world will respect you. The Japanese are known for their technology and the Germans are known for their resourcefulness. We Americans have had respect since we helped win the World War against the other two. See, you need to do something world-famous." A German added," Yes, he's right. Why don't you find a place in this world in need of a bridge that no one has dared build, build it, come back to us, and we will help publicize it."

With that, the Polish set off to build their bridge. They designed it and worked 6 months and finally completed it. They then went back to report it to the group. The bridge was a beautiful bridge but it had one flaw: it was erected in the middle of the Sahara Desert. An American said,"No, no. See, that is why you have your reputation. There is no need for a bridge in the middle of the desert. Now go and dismantle it, and find a more strategic spot to erect it."

The Polish returned to the conference in two weeks. One of the Japanese said,"Two weeks! It only took you two weeks to dismantle that bridge and build a new one? That is amazing!" To which a Polish man replied,"Well, not exactly. When we returned to the bridge we couldn't dismantle it because there were all these Italians fishing off it."

Gdlint

02-21-13, 17:10

After an excitingly hot 69 position with his girlfriend, Jerry remembered he had a dentist appointment. He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times, used dental floss 8 times & on top of that gargled 1 litre of Listerine.

As he arrived at the dentist he sucked 2 strong mints. His turn came up & the dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed, Jerry opened his mouth wide.

The dentist got close enough & said,"Man, did you have 69 before you came here"?

"Why"? Jerry asked,"Does my breath smell like pussy"?

"No" The dentist replied,"Your forehead smells like shit."

Gdlint

03-06-13, 13:35

A young Chinese couple get married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he's a virgin too, but she doesn't know that. On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. 'My darring' he whispers, ' I know dis your firss time and you berry frighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting- juss anyting you want. You juss ask. So. Whatchu want? ' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her. A thoughtful silence follows as he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. Eventually, she shyly whispers back, 'I want to try something I have heard from the other girls. Numbaa 69. ' More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone, he asks her.

'You want. Garlic chicken with steam vegetables.

Drew Park

03-06-13, 20:02

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/03/06/lion-kills-zimbabwe-woman-having-sex-in-african-bush_n_2820870.html?ncid=edlinkusaolp00000009

Gdlint

03-08-13, 11:25

AN OLD MAN WALKS INTO THE BARBERSHOP FOR SHAVE AND A HAIRCUT, BUT HE SAYS HE CAN'T GET ALL HIS WHISKERS OFF BECAUSE HIS CHEEKS ARE WRINKLED FROM AGE.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin. When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball. The barber replied,"Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."

Mig San

03-09-13, 23:02

So,

Whats the difference between eating pussy and driving through thick fog.

At least when your eating pussy you see the asshole in front of you.

R Lawrence

03-23-13, 10:09

-

Spanish Oysters.

A big Texan cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day.

Roaming around in Spain.

While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling,

Scrumptious looking platter being served at the.

Next table.

Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served? '

The waiter replied, 'Si senor, you have excellent taste!

Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight.

This morning. A delicacy! '

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order. '

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per.

Day because there is.

Only one bull fight each morning.

If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you.

This delicacy. '

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order and that.

Evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said,

'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I.

Saw you serve yesterday."

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied,

"Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

Tha X Facta

03-23-13, 10:38

A professor at Michigan State University in East Lansing was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start.
Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously.
Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raise their hand.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
Three students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic.
Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Hamad raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says:
"Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.
You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor replies, "So, Hamad , tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."

Hamad replied, "Shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats."

Dweezil

03-24-13, 20:46

This is just too funny not to share. An article which appeared inThe Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.

As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, 'At least we'll have a bit to eat. '

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.

They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered little bowls of pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headline read:

' IRELAND 'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING'.

Member #5805

03-29-13, 21:41

http://www.rooshv.com/30-types-of-pussy

Al Davidson

03-30-13, 09:20

Irish Golfer

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his.

Drive into the woods. Looking for his ball,

He found a little Leprechaun flat on his back,

A big bump on his head and the golfer's ball.

Beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from.

The cart and poured it over the little guy,

Reviving him.

'Arrgh! What happened? ' the Leprechaun asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball, ' the golfer says.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square.

Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want? '

'Thank God, you're all right! ' the golfer.

Answers in relief. 'I don't want anything,

I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize. '

And the golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy, ' the Leprechaun says to himself.

I have to do something for him. I'll give him.

The three things I would want. A great golf game,

All the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life. '

A year goes by and the golfer is back.

On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into.

The woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,

' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye,

How's yer golf game? '

'My game is fantastic! ' the golfer answers.

I'm an internationally famous golfer now. '

He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're.

All right. '

'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer.

Golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money.

Situation? '

'Why, it's just wonderful! ' the golfer states.

'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket.

And pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there! '

'I did that fer ye also. ' And tell me, how's yer sex life? '

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment,

And says shyly, 'It's OK. '

C'mon, see'mon now, ' urged the Leprechaun,

'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job.

How many times a week? '

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers,

'Once, sometimes twice a week. '

'What? ' responds the Leprechaun in shock.

'That's all? Only once or twice a week? '

'Well, ' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic

Priest in a small parish.

Johnkat111

03-31-13, 22:52

Question: What is the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist?

Answer: You can negotiate with the terrorist.

Question: You walk into a room where all the women have PMS and yeast infections. Where are you?

Answer: At a whine and cheese party.

Al Davidson

04-06-13, 19:37

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went into a drugstore to buy a package of condoms. There was a beautiful woman behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked, if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered,"No."

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store. It was empty. She said,"Just a minute," and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. She asked,"Do these excite you?"

Well, I was so dumbstruck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said, it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down on a desk.

"Well, come on," she insisted,"we don't have much time."

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and pow, I was done within a few minutes.

She looked at me with a frown."Did you put that condom on?"

I replied,"I sure did," and held up my thumb to show her

RoccoForting

04-12-13, 09:03

Gentlemen:

I am writing to you to warn you of something that.

Happened to me as I am a victim of the latest scam.

At a mall while shopping. This happened at the.

Broward Mall and it could happen to you. Here's how.

The scam works :

Two good looking 18 year old women come to your car as.

You are leaving the mall while you are placing your.

Packages on the floor of the front seat.

One starts wiping your windshield with a rag and.

Windex while the other comes to your window saying.

"Hi" while bending over with her breasts almost coming.

Out of her blouse. It will be impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say.

"No" and beg you for a ride to the Sawgrass Mills.

Mall. You agree and tell them to sit in the back seat.

On the way, they start having sex with each other in.

The back seat. Then one of them climbs over into the.

Front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the.

Other one steals your wallet.

I was assaulted last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and.

Friday, but I couldn't find them Saturday or Sunday.

Be careful.Wow, I didn`t hear such a story before. Two lesbian gilrs are only in my dreams.

I had a dejavue when I met two girls of.

companion deluxe in stuttgart (http://www.companion-deluxe.de/Escort/escortservice/escort-stuttgart.html)

When I travelled for my enterprise. In the limousine they started to touch each other at lunchtime.

Head First

04-14-13, 12:23

A guy is working out at a downtown fitness gym. He sees a Beautiful girl also working out and wants to meet her. He says to his fitness coach,"You see that Beautiful girl over there. I want to impress her. Which machine should I use?"

The trainer thinks for a minute then replies,"Use the ATM machine out in the hallway."

JuliusPHopkins

04-22-13, 01:26

How do you get 100 Americans into one box of Donuts?

Tell them there's only one left.

Al Davidson

04-23-13, 10:19

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest said, 'You had a good.

Idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It.

Worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now. '

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, 'And you told me.

Adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to.

Church, so I supported you when you brought in that Rock 'and Roll Gospel.

Choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony. '

'Thank you, Father, ' answered the young priest. 'I am pleased that you are.

Open to the New Ideas of Youth. '

'All of these ideas have been well and good, ' said the elderly priest, 'But.

I'm afraid you've gone too far with the Drive-thru Confessional. '

'But Father, ' protested the young priest, 'my confessions and the.

Donations have nearly doubled since I began that! '

'Yes, ' replied the elderly priest, 'and I appreciate that, but the flashing.

Neon sign. Toot 'and Tell or Go to Hell cannot stay on the church roof!

Johnkat111

04-23-13, 10:32

A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple shot of Jack Daniels. He downs it in one gulp, slams the glass on the bar and yells,"All lawyers are assholes." A guy at the other end of the bar wearing a old flannel shirt that barely covered a large beer belly with long unkept hair and a scraggly beard yelled back: "Hey, I resent that." The bartender looked at him in surprise and said:"Are you really a lawyer?" The guy said: "no, I'm an asshole."

Al Davidson

05-09-13, 10:36

[Political Commentary deleted by Admin]

EDITOR'S NOTE: This report was edited or deleted to remove political commentary. As defined by the thread title Jokes & Humorous Stories (No Political Jokes)
Thread: Jokes & Humorous Stories. Thanks!

Gdlint

05-10-13, 16:02

Teacher asks the kids in a 4th grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?

"Little Johnny says: "I want to be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, take the best ***** with me, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and make love to her three times a day".

The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with little Johnny's comments, decides not to give importance to what he said and continues the lesson.

And you, Susie? . ."What do you want to be when you grow up. .

"I want to be Johnny's *****!"

TYS321

06-16-13, 00:48

Where hookers go on vacation.

Free sex, dope, food and rent.

No nagging pimps or greedy dealers.

No fear of arrest.

PS: Hope Princess gets out soon.

*Not the one in Vegas.

Gdlint

06-26-13, 14:06

A Texas business man, while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected. Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening. Although the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling "Gama Su, Gama Su!". Hearing this, the Texan knew he had pleased his female Japanese friend and soon afterwards went to sleep. The next day while playing golf with his Japanese business colleagues, one of his Japanese partners holed his shot from 170 yards away! Everyone went crazy and began yelling excitedly in Japanese. Wanting to impress his friends, the Texan joined in and began yelling,"Gama Su! Gama Su!" Suddenly everyone became quiet. After a moment of silence, one of the Japanese turned to him and asked "Wrong hole? What do you mean wrong hole?"

R Lawrence

06-27-13, 16:31

Ol' Blue

A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college. Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.

'Dad, ' he says, 'You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue, how to talk! '

'That's amazing, ' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program? '

'Just send him down here with $1, 000, ' the young cowboy says. 'I'll get him in the course. '

So, his father sends the dog and $1, 000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son? ' his father asks.

'Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm, ' he says, 'but you just won't believe this. They've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read! '

'Read! ' says his father, 'No kidding! How do we get Blue into that program? '

'Just send $2, 500, I'll get him in the class. '

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read.

So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. 'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk! '

'Dad, ' the boy says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street? '

The father exclaimed, 'I hope you shot that SOB before he talks to your Mother! '

'I sure did, Dad! '

'That's my boy! '

The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D. C. As a member of Congress

Gorilla69

07-02-13, 20:09

I thought this was appropriate for this group.

Gdlint

07-12-13, 16:24

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans, with a box of frozen crabs, and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was very annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin,"Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up. So she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as some folk think.

BoomHauer

08-06-13, 08:22

A really drunk fellow walks into a brothel. He wants a blowjob, but all he has is $5. The madam says,"That's really all you have, $5? . Well, I have what we call the penguin special for that price." The man agrees and goes upstairs. A beautiful woman comes in, pulls down his pants and starts giving him a blowjob. Right when he's getting close to blowing his load, she stops and walks away. The guy, with his pants around his ankles, waddles after her and says,"What's the penguin special?"

WilliamMstrs

08-18-13, 12:37

So this husband was a bully to his wife, berating her at every moment. When he was not making her feel like dung, he was out womanizing and the sorts.

Soon the wife found a good job, with good pay, and the husband became petty and jealous. He did not like his wife making more money than him. Words like "Don't bang your head o the way up" or "Wipe your mouth after the raise" were common.

One day she is sent to Boston for a business trip and as a goodbye the husband tells her to "Bring me a pretty Boston girl"

Head down, the wife went and came from the trip.

Two weeks later, she is sent to California.

Husbands says "Hey, bring me a pretty California girl as a souvenir"

Angry she leaves.

A month after that she gets a raise, and is sent to France.

Husband says: "Hey, bring me back a pretty French girl as a souvenir"

Wife, red hot angry leaves.

When she returned form the trip a week later, the husband picks her up at the airport and asks:

"So, where is that French girl I asked you for"

The wife looks at him and says "In nine months we'll know"

Member #4927

09-16-13, 18:19

One day as a director of a funeral home is finishing up some paperwork the mortician runs into his office.

"You got to come quick!" the mortician says, flailing his arms in the air.

With haste the director leaps out from his chair and frantically follows the mortician to the room where the bodies are prepared.

"There," the mortician says, pointing at the body of a woman,"in her vagina. There seems to be a shrimp. Isn't that peculiar?"

The director puts his glasses on and takes a closer look. Upon inspection the director replies,"That's no shrimp. That's her clitoris."

Baffled and embarrassed by such an error the mortician replies,"Hmmm, tasted like shrimp."

Head First

09-25-13, 01:08

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the engine of a Harley Davidson motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The mechanic shouted across the garage,"Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?" The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,"So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, fix 'them, put 'them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled, leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic."Try doing it with the engine running."

Cuddle Up

10-15-13, 14:15

Only in America.

http://www.breitbart.com/InstaBlog/2013/10/15/City-Concerned-Over-Business-Offering-Cuddles-and-Hugs

DockMan

12-07-13, 09:56

A guy and chick hit it off at a bar and they end up at her place. She get undressed and under the covers and he takes his shoes and socks off. She looks at his feet and says "What the hell happened to your toes?" He says "When I was a kid I had Tolio" Then he takes off his pants and she recoils and says what happened to your knees? He says "When I was a teenager I caught Kneasels" Then he removes his underwear and she says "Let me guess, did you catch Small Cox?

Lombardo

12-28-13, 03:23

http://www.snotr.com/video/12567/Why_You_Shouldn_t_Watch_Porn_In_The_Same_Room_As_Your_Parrot

Lurker 2009

01-07-14, 01:32

See photo below.

A John

01-12-14, 12:19

Banned Australian condom ad.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bOq_0Fg1yIs

A John

01-12-14, 12:24

This one requires you to enter a birthday but I think it's worth it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n8u_QKCyCGA&oref=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3Dn8u_QKCyCGA&has_verified=1

DockMan

01-23-14, 15:44

A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks.

"I'm going down to give blood.".

"How much do you get paid for giving blood?

"About $20.".

"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator.

The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.

"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?

"Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.

SweetLace

02-02-14, 10:41

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!" The pastor fainted.

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!" The pastor fainted.

Tha X Facta

03-08-14, 11:24

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?'
St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, 'Now, back the fuck off or I'll beat the shit out of all of you!'

St. Peter was impressed . . . . 'When did this happen?'

'A couple of minutes ago.'

X

Richiboone

05-07-14, 00:59

(Apologies in advance if this is already posted)..

Teacher asks the kids in her third grade class:8203;.

"What do you want to be when you grow up?

Little Johnny says: "I want to hit the powerball and be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest working girl on the planet, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, and an Infinite Visa Card, and bang her three times a day in the most exotic places on earth".

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson ...

"And how about you, Sarah?

" I want to be Johnny's working girl!

Tha X Facta

06-01-14, 20:48

A teacher asks:
I shoot at 5 birds and 2 of them are dead, how many of them are left?

Little Johnny answers:
None! The others fly away because of the sound of the gun.

Teacher: No!
It's a math problem, but I like your style.

Little Johnny:
So I have a question for you teacher -
Three women are eating Tootsie Pops; one of them is licking it, the other one is sucking it,
and the last one is biting it.

Which one is married?

Teacher gets embarrassed and answers:
The sucking one?
323772

Little Johnny: No!
The woman who has the ring on her finger, but I like your style.

X

Al Davidson

06-05-14, 14:30

A woman asks her partner at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but, I'm not hungry right now. "It's this Viagra, he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite. ".

At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?

He declines. "The Viagra, he says, "really trashes my desire for food. ".

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?

He declines again. "No, he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry. ".

"Well, she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving. ".

Tha X Facta

07-26-14, 11:51

A guy goes to apply for a Government job.

The interviewer asks him: "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yea, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever served in the U.S. Armed Forces?"
"Yea," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That's a bonus toward employment." Then he asks, "Do you have any disabilities?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer displayed a painful grimace and then says:
Okay, that's enough for me to hire you right now.

Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm.
You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day.

The guy is perplexed, and asks:
"If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job", the interviewer says.
For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.

No point in you coming in for that.

X

ChaosTheory

09-25-14, 14:11

Hopefully this video prank will make a hunter think how he handles his business. Got to admit it's a great prank.

http://yamstar.com/car-jacked-while-talking-to-a-prostitute-prank-by-modelpranksterstv/

OHI812

01-26-15, 21:55

*Prince Charles was driving around his Mother's estate when he accidentally ran over her favorite dog, a corgi, crushing it to a pulp.

He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the grass totally distraught.

The whole world was against him and now his Mother would go ballistic.

Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up, polished it and immediately a genie appeared.

'You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment, ' said the genie. 'As a reward I shall grant you one wish. '.

'Well, ' said the Prince, 'I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog. '.

They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog. 'Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?' the Prince asked.

The genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head.

'This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Is there something else you would like?

The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos. 'I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana, ' said Prince Charles, showing the genie the first photo. 'But now I love this woman called Camilla, ' and he showed the genie the second photo. 'You see Camilla isn't beautiful at all, so do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana?

The genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said, 'Let's have a look at that dog again. '.

Tha X Facta

02-14-15, 10:49

Some guys were sitting in a bar having a conversation.

One of them says,
"What do you want people to say about you at your funeral?"

They think about it for a while, and then one of them answers,
"I want them to say I was a good guy, and that I would be remembered as a very kind man."

The second guy nodded and said,
"Yeah, I want them to say that I didn't deserve to die, and that I had a lot of friends."

The third guy said,
"At my funeral, I want everyone say: "Look! He's moving!"

X

Head First

03-22-15, 14:46

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: FOR WOMEN ONLY. Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The Manager, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." The women start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: 'All The Men Here Have It Short and Thin.' The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: 'All The Men Here Have It Long and Thin.' Still, this isn't good enough so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: 'All The Men Here Have It Short and Thick.' They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: 'All The Men Here Have It Long and Thick.' The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: 'There Are No Men Here. This Floor Was Built Only To Prove That There Is No Way To Please A Woman!'

Titanic Vol

06-13-15, 09:20

(Apologies if duplicate).

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away.

Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning. ".

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.

It was just the right rhythm.

Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong. ".

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along. ".

Bottas1976

10-26-15, 06:16

A police officer was patrolling the highway when he sees a guy tied up to a tree, crying. The officer stops and approaches the guy. "What's going on here? He asks. The guy sobs, "I was driving and picked up a hitchhiker. He pulled a gun on me, robbed me, took all my money, my clothes, my car and then tied me up. " The cop studied the guy for a moment, and then pulled down his pants and whipped out his dick. "I guess this isn't your lucky day, pal!

Head First

11-30-15, 19:27

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text:

"If you are laughing send me your smile.

If you are crying send me your tears.

If you are eating send me a bite.

If you are drinking send me a sip.

If you are awake send me your thoughts.

If you are sleeping send me your dreams.

I love you!"

The husband, typically non romantic replied:

"I am on the toilet.

Please advise!"

VB012

03-18-16, 14:56

A newbie was seeing her first client. When she got back to her room, her friends (seasoned veterans all) gathered to hear the details.

She said "Well, he was a tall, handsome, muscular Marine. ".

"Well, what did he want to do?" they all asked her.

She said "I told him that a straight Fuck was $150, but he said he didn't have that much. So, I told him a blowjob would be $100, but he didn't have that much either! Finally, I told him a hand job would be $50. ".

"He agreed and after handling business, he pulled it out. I put one hand on it. Then I put the other hand above that one. " Pausing and raising her eyebrows, she then continued "and then I put the first hand above the second hand. ".

"Oh my God!" exclaimed all the veterans. It must have been huge! What did you do next?

"I loaned him $100!

Gdlint

05-09-16, 12:53

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours. '.

The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?

The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours. '.

The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked.

'How long before I can get a haircut?

The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half.

The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favour, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back'.

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically!

The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said.

"Your house!

Tugeee

07-03-16, 09:27

Little Johnny and his family was having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. "Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer". Said his mother. "I don't need to" the boy replied. "Of course, you do" his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house". "That's at OUR house". Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house, and she knows how to cook!

DongQuixote

08-23-16, 09:12

During debates, the only time politicians tell the truth, is when they call each other Liars!

ScooterAllCity

08-23-16, 14:50

During debates, the only time politicians tell the truth, is when they call each other Liars!Very true!! LOL!!

Ripper69

08-23-16, 21:12

A prosperous and somewhat amorous businessman propositioned a beautiful chorus girl of well-proportioned figure to spend the night with him for $500. When he was ready to leave the next morning, certain things having transpired, he told her he didn't have that much money with him, but would have his secretary mail her a check for it, made out with a memo of RENT FOR APARTMENT, to avoid any embarrassment.

On the way to the office, however, after thinking the matter over carefully, he decided the night hadn't been worth what he'd agreed to pay. As a result, he had his secretary send a check for $250 instead, and enclosed the following explanatory note:

Dear Madam:"Enclosed is a cheque for the amount of $250 for rent on your apartment at 3359 Haywood Jablomi Drive. I am sending this amount instead of the amount originally agreed upon, because when I rented this apartment, I was under the impression that. 1. It had never been occupied2. There was plenty of heat3. It was smallLast night, I found that it had been occupied many times, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large!

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check, with this note:"I am returning the check for $250. I cannot understand how you could expect such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied. As for the heat. There is plenty of it there if you know how to turn it on. As for the size, it's not my fault if you didn't have enough furniture to furnish it. ".

DongQuixote

08-27-16, 20:06

Is this the Truth?

MyySpace

10-07-16, 04:33

Wireless91910

10-31-16, 13:32

Was listening to an old Richard Prior concert and fell over when I heard this sketch about leaving his girlfriend.

Richard; "I'm Leaving you to go find some new pussy".

Girlfriend: "if you had 2 more inches of dick, you would find some new pussy here".

I think that is the ultimate comeback for any girl.

AllNewTome

11-12-16, 14:56

http://distractify.com/sex-relationships/2016/11/07/craigslist-cheating-post

Husband Writes Craigslist Post Of Requests To 'The Guy Doing His Wife By Margot Harris.

If penguins have taught us anything, it's that the fallout from infidelity can get pretty ugly. While not every love triangle ends in bloody flippers (please watch the National Geographic penguin home-wrecker video if you're still confused) spurned spouses can still do plenty of damage.

One father and husband is making waves for his unique response to discovering that his marriage had been joined by a third party: a Craigslist post to "the guy doing (his) wife. ".

No, he does not request that mystery gentleman stop sleeping with his wife. Rather, he has some requests about household decorum.

The post appeared in the Reading, PA missed connections section of Craigslist, and it's certainly one for the history books.

The post, shockingly, has been flagged for removal, so we may not be able to see the beautiful prose in its original form any longer. However, the poster's words will live on in our hearts.

"To the guy doing my wife. You know who you are. Yes I know. No I am not angry, I would just ask a few things of you. After all you are giving it to my wife".

The first few requests seem relatively reasonable, TBH just common courtesy things.

"1. Please stop leaving the seat up, I keep getting blamed and it is starting to get old. ".

"2. You may be giving me a chance to go fishing more often but please stop drinking all my beer. It is fine if you have a couple while you visit (god knows I drink plenty before I find her attractive), but please leave me a few as I have to be there longer than you. ".

"3. If you do drink the last one buy more or leave money on the counter I will pick some up. ".

"4. Please replace the toilet paper when you use it all. For some reason my 5 year old son believes if its not there he does not have to wipe. We keep it under the sink, unless you can recommend a better spot?

It's the least he can do, right?

After the pleasantries are over, things get kind of vulgar. And depressing.

"5. After doing my wife please use something disposable to wipe off with. The basket of clothes on the right is mine and the clothes are clean as my wife does not do my washing, I run out of time rushing to work. Last week my sweatshirt was crusty (thanks). ".

"6. Please do not tell my children that you are their uncle, they are young not mentally challenged. ".

"7. Please stop turning the heat up, You pay nothing and MUD is putting it in my ass, my wife may like it but I think it hurts. ".

Then, the requests spill over into the territory of very thinly-veiled misogyny. We get the bitterness, but it's just not cool.

"8. When she asks "do these pants make me look fat", say no. You may think giving a different answer will make her think twice about eating a gallon of ice cream a day but all you are doing is giving her a reason to go buy more pants that she will look just as fat in. ".

"9. Stop eating the baked goods. The brownies you ate were from my mom for my birthday. My wife has not cooked anything that good for years and if she does she will not share. ".

There was some whining about a recliner (man problems).

"10. Try shifting your weight when you sit on my chair. The recliner that I rarely have time for (soccer games and practice, basketball camp for the kids takes much of my time and I try to help with school work too) has a grove in it that forces me to roll to the left. ".

In conclusion, the spurned husband offered his (bitter) thanks and a vodka peace offering.

"Lastly I would like thank you for taking her to lunch on Valentines Day. She was not as hungry as usual and only ordered one meal. I may be able to use the money I saved to take the children to a movie. I hope you can help me with these items, it may become awkward if I have to confront her. If you can do this for me I will give you a heads up on when I will be gone and for how long so that you don't feel rushed. ".

"P. S. I am going to take the kids to the Great Wolf Lodge on the 3rd of April for four days, I have a bottle of vodka above the fridge if you find yourself low on beer. ".

"Thanks This was not written by anyone named Jack S. ".

Sure, it could be fake but these seem like very specific requests (that took a lot of time to write out) to do simply for fun. Underlying bitterness seems much more likely.

So, which method of dealing with a crumbling marriage to we like better? Penguin fight night or Craiglist ad?

KiraXXX

12-23-16, 13:11

Whats the difference between erotic and kinky?

Erotic you use the feather.

Kinky you use the whole chicken.

ROTFLMFAO!

Dank Dabs 42

02-28-17, 11:29

Bill and his wife Julie were going through financial crisis. Bill suggested Julie to become a hooker.

Julie was not sure how to start that, so Bill said, "Stand near that pillar and pick up a guy. Tell him your rate is $200. If you got any question, I'll be parked around the corner".

Within couple of minutes a black guy pulls up and asked, "How much?

"$200".

"Shigh, I have only $120".

"Hold on". Wife runs back to Bill.

"What can he get in $120".

"A handjob" Bill said.

Wife runs back and tells the guys he will get a handjob in $120. Black guy agrees. She gets in the car, he unzips his pants and here is the biggest schlong ever.

She stares it for a minute and says, "Hold on, I will be right back".

She runs back to her husband and says, "Bill can you please lend him $80".

Maaarek

03-10-17, 04:33

NightAudit

03-30-17, 04:37

Working as a Night Auditor can be pretty entertaining at times. From people screwing around in the pool and jacuzzi "excuse me folks. There is a camera right there" although my voy side doesn't really care. Love it that the pool is open. One night a long time ago I received a call from a room. The guest was upset. He said she won't let me touch her. I was like excuse me? He repeated that she would not let him touch her. I asked him if he knew who he was talk too and he said yes and repeated the complaint. I said sir, this is the front desk. He said oh and hung up. 15 minutes later I get the call again. He said he paid the taxi driver a lot of money and she won't let him touch her.

Now my smart ass kicks in. I said sir, I am sorry if you are not happy with the services that we provide. Our manager will be in around 8 am and if you let him know the issue he will provide you with a full refund.

I never did find out if he came down or not but would have loved to have been there if he did.