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Anonymous
01-05-05, 13:03
Q: A priest, a drunk, and a child molester walk into an empty bar. How many customers does the bar have now?

A: One.

My Alias
01-06-05, 00:00
Be careful, guys, that SW you pick up may be more than advertised, http://www.weeklyworldnews.com/features/aliens/61245

Rock Dog
01-07-05, 21:34
You won't believe what some losers will do in order to get high. Now they have their own website where they share info. It's good for a laugh.

http://www.totse.com/en/drugs/otc/index.html

Robux
01-11-05, 01:56
Shift diary from a Florida escort service

http://www.boingboing.net/2005/01/10/shift_diary_from_flo.html

DropFrame
01-31-05, 20:04
If Condoms Had Sponsors

DropFrame
01-31-05, 20:07
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Dad".

With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you.
I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice-even with all her piercing, tattoos, and her tight Motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion dad, she's pregnant and Joan said that we will be very happy.

Even though you don't care for her as she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.

Joan taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son, John

PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

DropFrame
01-31-05, 20:11
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt!

Daddy Lows
02-22-05, 13:00
>> Trivia for Adults
>>
>> Q: What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for?
>> A: Its Braille for "suck here".
>>
>> Q: What is an Australian kiss?
>> A: It is the same as a French kiss, but only down under.
>>
>> Q: What do you do with 365 used condoms?
>> A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
>>
>> Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
>> A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take
your
>> house and car with them.
>>
>> Q: Why do girls rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
>> A: They don't have balls to scratch

Peace

Daddy Lows
02-22-05, 13:02
Subject: Old Man and the Bikers.......................

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the
bar and orders a drink.
Looking around, he sees 3 men sitting at a corner
table.
He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks
the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:
"I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in
the hallway buck naked.
Man, she is one fine looking woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His
buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight
at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it
on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but
the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,
"I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by
the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says,
>
>

>
>
>
>
>
>"Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk!"

Peace

Daddy Lows
02-22-05, 13:05
>The Irish daughter had not been to the house for over 5 years. Upon
her
>return, her father cursed her, "Where have you been all this time, you
>ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how
you
>were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know
what
>you put your Mum through?"
>
>The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff...Dad... I became a
prostitute..."
>
>"WHAT? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to
this
>family - I don't want to see you again!"
>
>"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur
coat,
>title deeds to a ten bed-room mansion, plus a savings account
certificate
>for #5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you
Daddy
>the spanking new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible that's parked
outside
>plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club...(takes a breath)
---an
>invitation for you all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht
in the
>Riviera, and..."
>
>"Now what was it you said you had become?"
>
>Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... A Prostitute Dad, sniff, sniff."
>
>"Oh! Be Jesus! You scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said a
>Protestant! Come here and give your old man a hug."


Peace

Daddy Lows
02-22-05, 13:39
No Spikka Inglish


A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this Country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives...... "

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."


Peace

Macgoo
02-22-05, 19:21
A 44-year-old Anchorage man had his penis surgically reattached after it was cut off by an angry girlfriend and flushed down a toilet, local police said on Sunday.

The events unfolded about midnight on Saturday, after the pair had been arguing over an impending breakup, an Anchorage Police Department statement said. At some point, the two decided to have sex and the man agreed to let the woman tie his arms to a windowsill.

But the woman used a kitchen knife to amputate her partner's penis and flushed it down the toilet, police said. She untied the man, drove him to a local hospital and was cleaning up the bloody scene when police arrived at the home, according to the statement.

Summoned by the police, workers from the local water utility pulled the toilet up from the floor and were able to recover the severed penis, which was rushed to the hospital for the successful reattachment surgery on Sunday morning.

Police declined to identify the victim, but said his assailant was 35-year-old Kim Tran. She was charged with assault, domestic violence and tampering with evidence, and jailed without bail.

Lorenzo
02-24-05, 02:13
A man goes to his new doctor for a physical. The doctor tells him he's in great shape, but that he must comment on something. He says, "you have the tiniest head I've ever seen. In fact, in all my years of medical practice I've never seen a head so small. You have a normal size body, but your head is the size of a grapefruit. Were you born like that?"

The patient says, "well, doc, it's a long story. I was shipwrecked and marooned on a desert island. I started walking around and found an old lamp. I rubbed it and a beautiful female genie comes out. She says, 'because you rescued me from the lamp, I'll grant you three wishes.' I said okay, my first wish was to be off of that island, so she waves her wand and, presto!, we're back on the mainland. I then told her I wanted to have so much money that I'd never have to work again, so she waves her wand and, presto!, I'm surrounded by mounds of cash, jewelry, gold, so much that I'm fabulously rich.

"Then she says, 'you have one wish left." I said, 'well, you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. My wish is to go to bed with you.' She says,'I'm sorry, that
is the one wish I cannot grant. You must ask for something else.'

"So I said, 'well, in that case, could I have a little head?'"

Lorenzo
02-24-05, 02:14
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are captured by a tribe of hostile Indians. The chief tells them that, since they have entered sacred land, they must be put to death before sundown. The Lone Ranger then asks if he can say some final words to his faithful Indian companion. The chief says okay, so the Lone Ranger goes over and whispers something in Tonto's ear. Faster than lightning, Tonto dashes for his horse, mounts, and is off before anyone can catch him.

A little while later Tonto comes back with a beautiful blonde on his saddle. They present her to the chief, who takes her in his tent and has his way with her. After he finishes, the chief comes out and says that the experience was quite enjoyable, but that it doesn't change anything. They still must die before sundown. The Lone Ranger then asks for another chance to say some last words to Tonto. The chief says okay, but warns him not to try anything. The Lone Ranger whispers something in Tonto's ear, and once again Tonto dashes for his horse and is off before anyone can catch him.

A little while later Tonto comes back with a beautiful brunette on his saddle. Once again they present her to the chief, who takes her into his tent and has his way with her. After he finishes, the chief comes out and says that this still doesn't change anything, that they still must die before sundown. The Lone Ranger asks for a final chance to say goodbye to Tonto. The chief reluctantly agrees, but gives him a stern warning not to try anything.

The Lone Ranger then walks over and whispers in Tonto's ear, "I said POSSE!"

Lorenzo
02-24-05, 02:16
A lawyer calls home from his office and a strange woman answers. He says, "who's this?," and she says "I'm the new maid." He says, "let me speak to my wife," and the maid says that won't be possible. He says, "why not?" and the maid says, "she's upstairs in the bedroom making love to the mailman."

The man says "I see." Then he says,"okay, here's what I want you to do. Go into my study. Look in the top right drawer of my desk. There you'll find a loaded pistol. Take it up to the bedroom and shoot both of them, then come back to the phone. I'll pay you $100,000 if you do what I say. Don't worry about going to prison. I'm a prominent attorney. I'll get you off." The maid says, "okay, I'll do it."

The lawyer listens intently over the phone and shortly thereafter he hears two shots. Then a little later the maid returns to the phone and says, "okay, I did it." The lawyer says, "great! Now, to finish earning your money, drag the bodies out onto the patio and throw them into the swimming pool." The maid says, "what swimming pool?"

The lawyer says," is this 739-4364?"

Lorenzo
02-24-05, 02:17
A man walks into his favorite bar, visibly shaken. He tells the bartender,"Charlie, give me a martini. I really need it today." The bartender says,"what's wrong? You look like a nervous wreck." The man says, "I just found out my brother is gay." The bartender says, "yeah, I guess you do need the drink," and gives him the martini.

A week later the same man walks into the bar, still visibly shaken, and says, "Charlie, give me a double martini. I really need it today." The bartender asks "what's wrong now? You look even worse than you did last week." The man says, "I just found out my son is gay." The bartender says, "yeah, I guess you really do need it," and gives him the double martini.

Another week passes and the same man walks into the bar, still visibly shaken, and says "Charlie, give me a triple martini. I need it today more than ever." The bartender says, "don't tell me you found out another family member is gay?" The man says "yep." The bartender says, "my God, man, doesn't anybody in your family like pussy?"

And the man says, "yeah, my wife!"

beberebozo
02-24-05, 11:09
Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a
husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.

A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands.

First floor: The door had a sign saying "These men have jobs and love kids"

The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second floor: The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are
extremely good looking." "Hm mm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor: This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good
looking, love kids and help with the housework." Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.

Fourth floor: This door had a sign saying, "These men have high paying jobs, love
kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a
strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor: The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are fucking impossible to please. The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the stairs."

PsyberZombie
02-25-05, 07:04
True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And The Moral of this story is =

" Always keep your condoms in your car "

PsyberZombie
03-02-05, 07:47
http://usmint.gov/mint_programs/50sq_program/states/index.cfm?state=WI

Now we know why WISCONSIN has a Cow on their State Quarter =

http://abcnews.go.com/US/wireStory?id=534515

Golfnutz
03-02-05, 19:32
Why do divorces cost so much?

Because they are worth it.

Ruf66
03-03-05, 18:32
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye.

It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and he drives on without second thought.

Soon he sees another sign, which says:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real.

Then he drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST.FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.

On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.

He climbs the steps and rings the bell.

The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me."

The man is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.

The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door.

This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."

He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nuns cup.

He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.

As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

DropFrame
03-04-05, 03:29
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into
bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel
like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look
by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in
the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to
take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We
went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond
earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was
one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because
she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play
tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel
like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
WHAT?"

I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're
just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy
your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she
was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and
not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

Freeler
03-04-05, 03:53
Vidi, vici, veni - I saw, I conquered, I came

XXL
03-15-05, 05:45
He said ... "If you could only learn to cook properly, then we could manage without the cook. And if you cleaned the house yourself, we could get rid of the cleaner too."
She said ... "Darling, if only you could satisfy me properly, we could do without the gardener as well."

Blue Eyes
03-16-05, 02:57
1. Giggling to yourself at the office when your co-workers tell you how wonderful their weekend was. If only they knew.

2. Before traveling somewhere on business or to visit relatives you look up couples in the area.

3. You have a lot of friends all over the world.

4. You come home with that "There's Something About Mary" hairstyle.

5. When going to a strip club with your guy friends, instead of your wife, seems like a ridiculous waste of time and money.

6. Your kids and the baby-sitter ask why Mommy already has her coat on when she comes out of the bedroom every Saturday night.

7. Wondering how to explain to the neighbors why 10 couples show up on a Saturday night carrying overnight bags, blankets, pillows and doesn't leave until early Sunday afternoon.

8. You never open the garage door until you're in the car with the doors closed.

9. You both turn your head to watch the hot woman walking down the street!

10. At the gym shower, you're the only one with shaved balls. shower, you're the only one with shaved balls.

To be continued……

Cossack
03-17-05, 09:31
http://www.killsometime.com/Audio/Funny-Audio.asp?audio=Arnold-Calls-Asian-Escort

Gulfro
03-17-05, 15:34
A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.

Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's arse was that eye staring right back at him. "You know, " said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."

Gulfro
03-17-05, 18:51
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar-

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes", she purrs, "I am."

The man replies "Well wash your damn hands, I want a cheese sandwich."

Baltimonger
03-18-05, 18:57
http://www.killsometime.com/Audio/Funny-Audio.asp?audio=Arnold-Calls-Asian-Escort

Cossack,
I have been looking for a song that gets played occasionally on a local radio station in Baltimore, MD. I have been all over the internet looking for it, without success, until I went to your link. The song is "Prison B!tch". It was always told to me that it had a different name. Thanks!

K.J. Baltimonger

Baltimonger
03-25-05, 19:25
I just got a new radio for my car. This thing is awesome. Very high-tech. All I have to do to get it to change stations is say what kind of music I'd like to hear. For instance, if I say "rock", it plays a rock station. If I say "rap" it plays a rap station. If I say "oldies" it goes to an oldies station. Last night, I was on my way home, and 3 kids ran out in front of my car. I yelled "fucking kids!", and it started playing Michael Jackson music. :D

Oager
03-29-05, 03:52
What do you call a black man who flies planes?

A pilot, you fucking racist.

My Alias
04-12-05, 08:08
I found this long funny, but sad, story on another bulletin board. http://www.exile.ru/2005-March-25/feature_story.html The writer, an American in Moscow, decides to test Viagra, Cialis and Levitra to see which works best, and he decides to make conditions harder for the performance. You'll have to read it to understand.

Robux
04-24-05, 21:29
Okay, it's a tad political, but it seems appropriate for this forum.

Robux

Downstate Dude
05-16-05, 18:02
Q-What does caviar and Michael Jackson have in common?

A-They both cum on small crackers!

James D 2004
05-17-05, 13:36
Anyone out there want to teach whitey some Spanish? My neighbor has taught me some Spanish. He always says "Puto pinches gabachos" to me which I believe means "Have a nice day".
A few days later:

"Putos Pinches Gabachos" will get you a nod in agreement from 90% of any hispanic person and will get your ass kicked in any redneck bar in town. Roughly speaking it means "f@cking homo white boys". Walk into any cantina saying that and you just may get a free beer!

I bet your neighbor even smiles when he says that to you, huh. Good one.

When a neighbor say something about you, there must be some reasons. Either his neighbor is screwing Joe or his neighbor saw some male frequent visitors. I have good authority that this visitor is Joe's sidekick, Socalasian, who wrote TS reviews (http://www.takeapick.com/47).

After consulting the experts:


"Pinches puto gabacho" translates to 'Fucking b**ch whiteboy" you idiot. John02 had it wrong.


Joe the b'tch, so you are saying that your neighbor always saw the other guy on top?

Layin Pipe
06-08-05, 18:22
A guy is walking down the street, and he's really horny. So he goes to the first brothel he sees. He only has $5, so they kick him out.

The guy goes to the next one. But, since he only has $5, he gets kicked out again.

So by this time, he's really super horny, so he goes to the next one and says "Look, I only have $5. I'm really horny, and I need a blow-job for $5!"

The guy there says "OK. For $5, we can give you a penguin."

"What's a penguin?"

"You'll see."

So, the guy takes the $5 and leads the horny man to a bedroom. The horny man unzips his pants, and waits for his "penguin." Soon, a working girl comes in and starts giving the guy a blow job. Just as he's about to let loose, she stops and walks away. Now, the horny guy with his pants at his ankles, waddles after her, shouting "Hey! What’s a penguin?!"

Layin Pipe
06-13-05, 04:49
A small redneck Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very "in the mood", and difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ed, a part-time redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Ed, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species.

So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution. Ed was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500? Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.

"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this."

The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.

"Well," said Ed, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500."

DropFrame
07-07-05, 15:58
A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The
doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a
sample tomorrow."

The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives
him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor
asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, doc, it's
like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with
my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her
right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her
mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing.
Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands
and her mouth too, but nothing." The doctor was shocked. "You asked your
NEIGHBOR?" The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we
couldn't get the damn jar open!"

bluishballs
07-08-05, 12:15
A prosperous and somewhat amorous businessman propositioned a beautiful chorus girl of well-proportioned figure to spend the night with him for $500.

When he was ready to leave the next morning, certain things having transpired, he told her he didn't have that much money with him, but would have his secretary mail her a check for it, made out with a memo of RENT FOR APARTMENT, to avoid any embarrassment.

On the way to the office, however, after thinking the matter over carefully, he decided the night hadn't been worth what he’d agreed to pay. As a result, he had his secretary send a check for $250 instead, and enclosed the following explanatory note:

Dear Madam:

"Enclosed is a cheque for the amount of $250 for rent on your apartment. I am sending this amount instead of the amount originally agreed upon, because when I rented this apartment, I was under the impression that...

1. It had never been occupied
2. There was plenty of heat
3. It was small

Last night, I found that it had been occupied many times, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large!"

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check, with this note:

"I am returning the check for $250. I cannot understand how you could expect such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied. As for the heat... there is plenty of it there if you know how to turn it on. As for the size, it's not my fault if you didn't have enough furniture to furnish it."

bluishballs
07-08-05, 12:22
Dave goes over to his best friend's house, rings the doorbell, and the wife answers.

"Hi, Nora, is Tony home?"

"No, he went to the store."

"Well, do you mind if I wait?"

"No, come on in." They both have a seat in the kitchen. "You know, Nora, you have the greatest tits I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."

Nora thinks for a second and finally figures, what the hell, it's for a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows Dave one of her breasts. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and finally Dave says, "Nora, your tits are so beautiful... I've gotta see the two of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I can see them both."

Nora thinks it over briefly and again figures, what the hell, a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and gives Dave a good, long look. He thanks her and then throws another hundred bucks on the table.

Another ten minutes passes by... Dave can't wait around any longer, so he leaves.

A while later, Tony arrives home and his wife says "Your weird friend, Chris, came over this afternoon."

Replies Tony, "Did he drop off the two hundred bucks he owes me?"

KC Questor
07-08-05, 16:50
Housewife Charged in Sex-for-Security Scam
http://www.theonion.com/news/index.php?issue=4127

AKRON, OH—Area resident Helen Crandall, 44, was arrested by Akron police Sunday, charged with conducting an elaborate "sex for security" scam in which she allegedly defrauded husband Russell Crandall out of nearly $230,000 in cash, food, clothing and housing over the past 19 years using periodic offers of sexual intercourse.

"It's the biggest scam of its kind I've ever seen," Akron police chief Thomas Agee said. "We're talking coats, dishwashers, jewelry, sewing machines, bathroom cleansers—you name it."

According to Agee, undercover agents spotted Crandall's husband handing her $50 in cash at approximately 4 p.m., just 30 minutes after the two had sex. Crandall then drove off in her car, returning home two hours later with five bags of groceries.

"That's when we made the arrest," Agee said. "After tracking her for years, we finally had proof that she was buying all those goods with dirty money."

During the arrest, Akron police officials entered the Crandall household and seized more than 150 items Mrs. Crandall had received from her husband over the last 19 years, including a four-speed adjustable food processor, 12 pairs of earrings, a matching sofa and loveseat, a box of two-ply kitchen garbage bags, and a portable radio.

In exchange for these items, Agee said, Crandall's husband received sex an estimated 950 times—most frequently in the master bedroom, but also in the downstairs den three times, and once on the floor of the sewing room.

In addition to physical evidence, Akron police have collected considerable eyewitness testimony. More than 250 Akron residents have come forward to report seeing Helen and Russell Crandall together, and several said they witnessed Mr. Crandall flagrantly purchasing items for his wife.

"Sure, they'd come in here," said Ray Greene of Greene's House and Home. "I think the last time they got one of those box fans with the three settings."

Perhaps the most damaging testimony has come from Mr. Crandall himself, who on Tuesday told police that while the couple was dating in 1977, Mrs. Crandall—then known as Helen Steuben—demanded that he buy her a ring worth over $1,000 before he could have sex with her. The first sexual liaison took place some six months later at Bob's Honeymooner Hotel during an all-expenses-paid trip to Niagara Falls.

It was also in 1977, Mr. Crandall said, that his wife quit her job at Shippee Shoes in downtown Akron.

"Clearly," Summit County prosecutor Andrew Dravecky said, "after quitting her job, the accused began receiving money under the table from some other source: How else could she have afforded to not work? It's now pretty apparent that at that point she began supporting herself by providing a certain service to Mr. Crandall."

Crandall's mother, Bernice Steuben, a resident of the Valley View Senior Home in Yuma, AZ, is being sought for questioning in connection to the case: Police suspect that Steuben may have introduced her daughter to the sex-for-security scam after having used it herself from 1932 to 1971.

But for all the evidence collected against Crandall, Dravecky said the case will likely be difficult to prosecute. "Helen was very careful to cover her tracks," he said. "She even got her husband to put her name on the bank accounts and credit cards."

The Crandall case is not an isolated incident, said criminologist John Ohlmeyer, who said there are "literally millions" of such cases across the U.S. each year that never come to court.

"This kind of thing isn't as uncommon as we'd all like to think," Ohlmeyer said. "A woman finds herself in a situation where she isn't employable. Or maybe she has interests like child-rearing, cooking and home-maintenance that keep her from getting a job. So what does she do? She cooks up a scheme to entrap a man using her body as the bait. It's frightening, but it happens every day in this country."

Layin Pipe
07-16-05, 01:33
When was the last time you had your eyes checked? Click here (www.portalmix.com/eyetest.htm) to check your vision.

bluishballs
07-19-05, 13:53
Recently, I was at a professional football game supporting my favorite team. My seat wasn't the greatest, so when i noticed a vacant seat on the fifty yard line 10 rows up, I headed towards it. I asked the man sitting next to it if the seat was taken. He replied, "No".

I started talking to the man and I learned he owned the seat I was in. He said, "My wife use to love to come to these games until she died."

"Why didn't you give this seat away to a friend?" I asked.

He replied, "Because they are all at her funeral."

bluishballs
07-26-05, 00:18
Q: What's the difference between a paycheck and a penis?

A: You don't have to beg your girlfriend to blow your paycheck.

PsyberZombie
08-06-05, 09:16
http://www.milbestlight.com/swf/game/game1.swf

Gorilla69
08-07-05, 14:55
http://www.whotv.com/Global/story.asp?S=3661980

Four times!!

Geneious
08-10-05, 22:12
Q: What's the difference between Prostitution and Free sex?

A: Free sex costs more:)?

Observant Monger
08-12-05, 11:13
When I became a monger
I wanted something stronger
Than the ordinary sentimental lay

Searching through the ranks
Of a long parade of skanks
Adds some real spunk to my day

To be entirely blunt
It's the thrill of the hunt
The excitement is more than I can convey

Sometimes there's lots of action
Other times, no satisfaction
On the boulevard, lust will find a way

When my third leg fidgits
And I've got all their digits
I can choose between Kelly, Mary and Fay

Sure, the game is risky
But when I'm feeling frisky
I'm quite willing to pay to play

The sap is rising fast
The volcano's about to blast
I need relief without delay!

When I find a honey
I deem worthy of my money
I know what magic words I need to say

"Do you need a ride?
Wanna hop inside?
Are you feeling real good today?"

You know if she's not walking
And tries to keep you talking
The smart thing to do is stay away

At every turn and stop
You gotta check the scene for cops
You know they're playing gotcha every day

They're watching mixed-up chicks
Take money from hungry dicks
Do your coffee and donuts taste ok?

It seems common sense to me
To guard against STD
And wrap that rascal when we par-tay

I've learned the stroll, paid my dues
Shared some tips and the latest news
I'll check the menu again tonight at the monger's buffet.

Frank Booth
08-14-05, 23:32
Q: What's the difference between a $250.00 ***** and a $50.00 *****?

A: $200.00

Nico
08-15-05, 19:46
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey is running wild.

The monkey jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

"No. What did that stupid shit do this time?", says the patron.

"Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole", says the bartender.

"Yeah, well I hope it kills the little fucker because he's been driving me nuts", says the patron.

The guy finishes his drink and leaves.

Two weeks later he comes back in with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again.

While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a grape on the bar.

He grabs the grape, sticks it up his ass, then pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks.

"What now?", responds the patron.

"Well, he stuck a grape up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it", says the barkeeper.

"Well, what did you expect?", replied the patron. "Ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

Geneious
08-18-05, 23:25
This Guy was out with his Girl Friend, when he says "Sweetheart, we have to spend less money, when we are together"? "It seems like everytime I'm with you, I spend $200.00 to $300.00"?
She says, "Honey, I am a Prostitute"?? :)

Vargr
08-20-05, 22:15
Teenage girl, true story:

I just found out that D.C. stands for District of Columbia. When I was younger I didn't notice the dots, and I didn't know what DC meant -- I just thought that it was something that grown-ups would explain to me later.

Then I found out that was something completely different.

Then I found out that THAT was what people in D.C. do to each other all the time, and in oh so many ways...

Geneious
09-02-05, 22:12
One of the reasons God put pussies on females, is so we would talk to them:)

Geneious
09-08-05, 11:31
A little boy walked into the bedroom and saw his Mother and Father making love. He said "what are you doing"? His dad replied, "we are trying to make you a little Brother or Sister". The child replied, "Can you do it doggy style, I want a puppy"?:)

Zoomster
09-09-05, 08:45
Here is a joke I heard shortly after the infamous John Wayne B had his penis cut off by his then wife:

After slicing off the offending member, Mrs. B rushes to her car and drives off with it. She rolls down the window and angrily throws her husband's penis out.

It just so happens that an elderly couple was driving past in the other lane. Splat! The penis smacks into their windshield. The man gasps in astonishment: "Lordy! Will you look at the size of the dick on that fly!"

PsyberZombie
09-10-05, 10:03
Here's the top ten list of things that sound dirty but in a Law Firm , aren't =


10. Have you looked through her briefs ??

9. He is one hard Judge

8. Counselor , let's do it in chambers

7. Her attorney with·drew it at the last moment

6. Is it a penal offense ??

5. Make a Motion

4. For $200 an hour , she better be good !!

3. Can you get him to drop his suit ??

2. The Judge gave her the stiffest one he could

1. Think you can get me off ???

Geneious
09-11-05, 21:22
Two little boys were bragging about all of the things their Fathers can do, when one little kid says, "My Dad does something that your Dad Can't even do"? The other Kid says, "what"? He says my "Dad eats light bulbs"? The second kid says, "that's impossible, no one can eat light bulbs"?
The first Kid says, "well, I heard my Dad tell my Mom, "turn out the light and I'll eat it":)

Frank Booth
09-19-05, 22:48
Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.
A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing, your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can only bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you're still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.
A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day: then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it's great time to clean the house too!) Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he returns home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should. He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cooking him a nice meal.

Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.
A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal.

Sgt Soros
10-12-05, 09:54
* Strong woman - ***** with a severe case of self entitlement.

* Classy - Bitchy 45 year old real estate agent type.

* Seeking gentleman - Looking for rich guy who isn't interested in sex.

* World traveler - would love to go to Europe as long as you're buying.

* Intelligent - She isn't but thinks she is, and you'd better entertain her.

* Rubenesque - Fat

* Sarcastic - Bought into the whole Gen X irony thing and is really a miserable bore to hang out with.

* Make me laugh - You're expected to be highly entertaining right away.

* Sick of bar scene - Sh doesn't get hit on at bars due to one or more physical flaws.

* Friends first - Reformed ****

* Tired of games/jerks - I fucked and sucked my way through fifteen counties, but now I want a docile schmuck to pay my bills and not pester me for sex.

* Shapely - Fat

* BBW - Grossly, morbidly obese (Bring Burgers With)

* Must like kids - I want a putz who will break his ass paying for another man's cast off progeny.

* Loves the Outdoors - Closet Lesbo

* Snuggling and Warm Fires - No Sex

* Enjoys Traveling - You're paying, right?

* Fun Loving - Fucked 100 guys

* Meaningful Relationship - Slavery

* Nurturing - Smothering

* Sassy - Insufferable by the third date.

* Bubbly - All fuckin happy all the damn time to the point of annoying.

* No games! - I won't put up with your games, but I will gladly infuriate you with mine.

* Eccentric or quirky - Psycho...

* Grown up man - Sucker willing to marry and support my lazy fat ass.

* Financially Secure - You should own about 200,000 shares of MSFT.

Chrome Dome
10-12-05, 16:21
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?".

The girl said, "NO!".

And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting and played
golf a lot and drank beer and farted whenever he wanted.

Zero
10-17-05, 00:17
"And will there be anything else, sir?" the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two.
"No, thank you," the gentleman replied. "That will be all."

As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed.

"Anything for your wife?" he asked.

"Yeah! That's a good idea," the fellow replied. "Please bring up a postcard."

Best Tx Monger
10-24-05, 13:57
LIfe is like a Dik, if it gets hard, just phuck it !!!

James D 2004
10-26-05, 00:10
Century is dead quiet. Nothing. Only mongers circling at 30 mph staring at anything that moves. A few got together at Lotus Restaurant and decided to round up Speck instead.

'Where's Speck?', Beer Guzzler called up Daddy Lows on the phone.
'At my last round on Century, I saw him going into funking Trivoli. He must be funking', Daddy replied, enjoying his 99c combo somewhere.

So the gang continue eating, watching the parking lot next door. They forced into Speck's car once he stepped into the parking lot to leave. Speck still refused to tell them anything, but agreed to bring them to somewhere with lots of pickings. The only condition is that Speck isn't going to tell them anything.

So Speck drove off to Sunset via Highland. But Beer decided to walk, as he didn't want to share the sky high gas bill. Right at Santa Monica, Speck stopped at the gas station to fill up, claiming that the tank became empty.

The gang was attracted by the party girls across at the strip mall and around it. They began to wander off one by one.

Layin Pipe immediately grabbed a tall long legged blond in a super mini and headed for the back street. Faconnable didn't want to get lost the 47th time and begged to go along.

"$100 special for Greek tonight", the long legged blond whispered.

Layin turned to Facon and asked him to take out $120 from his wallet.

"That's for watching and keeping you from getting lost", Layin said.

Facon wanted to say something, couldn't find the words. He uttered something anyway, but no one could possibly make any sense from it. Layin immediately lean on the huge trash bin on his back and bottom, grabbed her by her back, lifted her skirt, pulled her g-string to the sides, hands on her waist, and than bang away.

Facon was watching eagerly until he noticed something under the g-string, growing bigger, getting out ... It looked familiar, he told himself. He must have seen it thousands of times in the mirror, and in his hands too. But he couldn't figure it out what it actually was under that circumstances. So he concentrated very hard, thinking about that thing.

Layin finished. Since she was really into it he gave her the remaining $20 in his pocket, when she turned around. She pulled her g-string back in place and pulled her skirt back down. That's when Layin noticed something strange. He threw up immediately, big time, and Facon was close enough to catch it all in his face.

'Bye, sweetie', the tall leggy blond said with a fake squeaky voice, and blew a kiss over to Layin. Layin threw up again. This time, Facon caught it all over his hair and back, as he was to ashamed to face Layin. He began to realize slowly what had happened. With both hands on Facon's neck, Layin asked, "Why didn't you tell me anything?".

Facon wanted to explain. But he found the explaining too complicated. So he tried the best he could to response, "Ha ha ha".

Layin let him off. Pulled the condom, put his cell phone inside it, and sling at Facon, who dropped on the ground right after the thing hit his head.

Speck started filling when everybody wandered off. The tank in his Mini was almost full now. Even though Layin emptied his load a long time ago, and a lot happened after that. Speck's phone ranged.

'Who's that?', Speck asked.
'It's Beer. Where are you now?', Beer asked, breathing heavily.
'Right at Santa Monica', Speck answered instinctively.

Speck wanted to say something out of guilt. But Beer cut him off to save money on his charge-to-the-sec plan.

Feeling that nobody will bother him for a long long time, because nobody will want to mention where and what they did that day, Speck pulled off in his Mini alone. That's when he spotted Joe sitting tall in his Geo, parked along side the strip mall, with his head almost touching the roof.

'Hi Joe', Speck greeted him politely, wishing that he would not tell everybody that Speck was seen there. 'Btching again', Speck whispered to himself when he passed the Geo. He continued north to Sunset, not to waste the gas that already took him where he was.

'You can carry on now, he didn't see you', Joe said, then looking around at the party girls, as if he was driving on a scenic route. 'You shouldn't have', Socal Asian said unsteadily. At the time he was a rocking booster seat. 'Shouldn't have what?', Joe asked. 'Taken us to Olive Garden', Socal replied angrily. That was a dinner date, when the two spent many months of their monger money on Italian food. Worse still, Socal couldn't afford to fix his computer so he couldn't hook up with the bargain basement s-males on Craig's that he loved so much. Now they can only have each other. They even couldn't do it at home as their neighbors seen the other half too many times and began to suspect. But at least they could watch the hotties cat walking around on the street while the pair was rocking hard in the Geo.

Blubalz spotted a 30 out of 10 hot blond passing by cluelessly. She called herself Trinity. But Blueball couldn't stand her small town American accent. So he dumped her. That's when he heard, 'Watch yourself mother phucker!', an old woman pushing a trolley shouted. She was wearing big black plastic bags. She almost ran over Blueball with her trolley when she took evasive action as Layin was running out of the blind alley, as if he was fleeing a crime scene. Blueball was impressed with her accent, and her choice of words. He got high and went on to check her out.

He found out that she was an English literature teacher. Having dropped out from a high school with no name (just a number), he always felt English literature was too distant, unapproachable, but very sexy. Now he must have her, there and then. But she wouldn't do it on the streets. So they walked to her home, Blueball pushed the trolley for her.

'Where do you live?', Blueball asked.
'Downtown skid row, cardboard box 90210.', said the ex-teacher.
'So what are you doing here?', asked Blueball.
'Looking for my buddy and neighbor Yodaman', she said. 'All of a sudden he stopped taking his med after 5 years, and ventured out of skid row the 1st time in 5 years. He said he was looking for a computer and internet connection.', she continued, 'I am really worried. He came back much worse everytime he did this.'.

Several girls felt threaten by the presence of Trinity. They went up to her, surrounding her. But after the initial tension, they got along very well. They realized that she wasn't a threat, and clueless Trinity knew she was at the wrong place. She headed north to Sunset right away.

Beer got to the cemetry. Before he could catch his breath, he spotted the most leggy Asian he had ever saw in a tight short leather skirt. 'Speck is great', he told himself. 'How much?', he asked her. 'One eighty', she replied. Although Beer is famous for his twenty dollar bareback blowjob, he occasionally pay big dollars for big occasions, and this is one of them. 'Speck is great', he whispered to himself as he handed over the money.

Beer couldn't wait and dragged her into the cemetry. It also saved him a room. 'No car date for me', said the leggy Asian. Beer nodded, he got no car anyway. 'No fleecy motels either', she said. So Beer took her to Vagabond Executive.

Beer was waiting on bed when the leggy Asian went out of the bathroom naked and clean. Beer was surprised! But he controlled himself well. He told himself since all the money was already spent, he might just as well get the most out of it.

He laid on the bed facing up. He told her to kneel beside the bed and stay still. So it looked as if he was lying on a tall massage table and she was massaging him. That's what he wanted. But he wouldn't allow her to touch him. And he wouldn't want to see anything below her waist. He looked at her all dolled up face and her well enhanced breast and started to take care of himself by his own hands. She did the same too. Beer was alarmed at first but then he liked the orgasmic expression on her pretty face. He couldn't see what's she's doing waist down anyway.

Beer did that many many times, indeed too many times that he hate to admit it, when the MP he went didn't provide extras. Now the atmos is almost the same, except that the girl came with extras! But nevermind, Beer told himself. He thought he can still enjoy the silky smooth feeling on his hands after he finished the happy ending. He took the phrase 'The pleasure is all mine", to a whole new level. Indeed he almost never washed his hands afterward. That's a secret he kept to himself. His many buddies always shake his hand when they saw him coming out of the MP's.

Beer closed his eyes and was about to explode, when he felt something salty and pungent dropped all over his face and into his mouth. It was her cum, which shot almost straight up and then fall down hard onto his face. He lost his erection immediately, and wasn't able to get up for a long time since.

Speck was crusing Sunset for a long time until he saw this 10+ blond in all departments. He was trying to get her attention and so did many other mongers. Then out of nowhere came a tiny grey car, which overtook Speck and turned into Alexandria, U-turned and parked right at the corner. The blond took a quick glance around, looking at all the cars and mongers. She thought for a split second and then rushed into Alexandria. Speck was hoping the negiotation fall through, but the tiny grey car darted into Sunset like a bullet as soon as the blond got inside.

'What's your name?', JD asked.
'Trinity', she replied.
'James', JD said.
'That James?! I should have known', Trinity was excited.

James was driving toward Motel 6. He waited for her asking price but she never mentioned it. He couldn't kept his eyes away from her. She has waist length blond hair, so neat that looked like she just ironed it. The blond coloring looked like that from Beverly Hills Salons - $200 a puff just for the color. Though sometimes it looked like peroxide overdose. She was wearing perfect makeup that looked like a drop dead pretty Chinese Opera diva, but other times she looked as if she hasn't got any make up on, just a slightly red cheek on her paper pale face due to excitement. At some angles, she got perfect stripper's breast. But at other angles, she seemed to have a teenager's perky small breast, which can bounce back any marbles thrown at them. Her waist is spinner Asian tiny, but she got J Lo's bottom.

James looked at her perfect French manicure, at her fingers and through her platform sandal. And her Bebe tube top, super low cut jeans. The Victoria Secret's Angel collection popped out all over from underneath. He decided that she deserved better. He decided to go to Super 8 instead.

'How much?', James couldn't bear it any longer.
'Why do you think you have to pay me?', Trinity replied.
'Making sure there's no commitments. How much?', James said.
'Nothing. As long as you don't make me fall in love with you and end up paying you', Trinity begged.

James heard that line before. But in reality, this unique ability of his is the only reliable weapon he got against this crazy wild world.

'And ...', Trinity added. 'Here comes the catch', James thought. 'I want to be a porn star.', Trinity continued. Now James understood everything. He didn't find her. Her only purpose of existence was to find him to fulfill her dream.

'How did you end up at Sunset?', James asked. She replied, 'I was dancing in Flamingo last week when this guy Cash Value whispered to his buddy next to him "Keep quiet about this girl or James will turn up sooner or later." So I decided to go around town like this.'

James stepped on the accelerator. But he remembered a minor detail.

'Your ID please', James asked. Trinity was well prepared and showed him her legit driver's license. She changed her legal name recently to Nikki Mya Logan. James almost fainted at that point. 'She really did her homework', he thought. And her 18th birthday is 15 minutes away. James knew what to do. He turned around his tiny gray car as if it's on ice, driving toward Wyham Bell Age at the other end of Sunset to burn the critical 15 mins.

It was dawn at Sunset. Yoda was holding a dead mouse on one hand, and a piece of broken fishing net on the other. He didn't know what he was doing, but he vaguely remembered that he needed both to connect to something that he was searching for. He was looking around a big trash bin when he saw somebody lying on ground next to it. It was Facon. He had a big swell on his forehead, no blood but some brown smudge on it that stinks a lot. Yoda waked him up and pulled him out onto Sunset.

Daddy Low passed through on his morning rounds, picked the two fellow mongers up and offered to take them home. But Yoda refused because he still wanted to connect to something. And Facon couldn't remember where he lives. Daddy was relieved. He couldn't imagine that he had to put a dead mouse and a stinking head in his company van.

James handed over a cup of coffee to Trinity, as she was too weak and sored to get out of bed. But she was happy, very happy.

'So all the vid about you is real', Trinity said.
'No crews, one camera and one take', James replied as a matter of fact.
'I met a stud at Harbor which was a big disappointment', she remembered.
'How come? Isn't he a real stud?', he asked.

'Everybody said he's real, that's why I offered him a hand job to get to know him', she said. 'But he couldn't get excited, until he played with himself. About 10 sec later he couldn't help but made a big mess.'

James burst out laughing, 'That's why he got the job. That's a Bukkake stud, lowest of the low, ranked just above a sperm donor.'

'How come?', she asked. 'Aren't they on movies?'

'Yes', James couldn't stop laughing. 'Usually they have about 10 sec in the whole movie, in which 3 sec is for a close up cum. They are under intense pressure to cum when their turn comes. They are only allowed several minutes on the set, and have only themselves to prepare for their 10 sec fame. Most became pretty useless soon after they take up the job.'

'I can tell you a darker side of San Fernando Valley', James put on a weired smile. 'These studs often stay over in the hotel or studio to have a Bukkake party with mono sexual activities. They couldn't please women so they just as well try to please each other the only way they know.'

'Hey, the real thing, do you have three more loads?', she smiled weirdly.

'Why 3?', he asked.

'I had this wet dream for years that I'm a sex slave. My master always unload 3 loads deep inside me in different places, one after the other', she explained.

'Come on Trinity, you have fulfilled your destiny twice over last night, can you be more patient?', he wanted to buy time.

'Take me to the legendary Olive Garden for bunch then', Trinity begged, 'And come right back for one more time.'

'As soon you are good to go', James promised.

'Let's get out of here', she limped out of bed.

Geneious
10-27-05, 18:28
Q:What's the difference between a Pussy and a ****?

A: A Pussy is that sweet little pink thing between a girls legs, and a **** is what controls it:)

PsyberZombie
11-03-05, 19:10
.

" If Life sucks , why not be a Prick ?? "

.

Old Fart
11-05-05, 17:08
Some Strange Sex Laws Still Out There:

Rhode Island prohibits unmarried people from partaking of bedroom activities under any circumstances. However, if caught, the lovers are both fined $10.

Branchville, South Carolina, retains an old piece of legalese covering those who "lewdly and lasciviously associate, bed, and cohabit together,in a public or non-public place." The amorous couple can be punished with a $500 fine and as much as a six-month prison term.

Until the law was repealed in 1975, California husbands and wives could both get a 15-year penitentiary term for engaging in certain sexual practices. They were specifically prohibited from engaging in any oral activities, even in the privacy of their own bedroom.

Sodomy laws have been repealed-or are ignored-in most states, but not Georgia, where a man was sentenced to five years in prison for engaging in oral sex. With his wife. With her consent. In their home.

In the state of Washington there is a law against having sex with a virgin under any circumstances (including the wedding night).

The only acceptable sexual position in Washington, D.C. is the missionary position. Any other sexual position is considered illegal.

In Iran, the law clearly states that a Muslim man can't marry a woman who was breast-fed as a baby by his grandmother or his mother.

Prostitutes in South Dakota are still prohibited from plying their trade out of a covered wagon.

Indiana and Wyoming both have laws against anyone's enticing, alluring, instigating, or helping a person under 21 to masturbate. This activity is known in legal circles as an act of "self pollution."

Connecticut still retains an old law forbidding any kind of "private sexual behavior between consenting adults." This odd law makes absolutely no distinction between married and single couples.

Every hotel room in Sioux Falls, South Dakota is required to have twin beds. And these twin beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal to make love on the floor between the beds.

Old Fart
11-08-05, 19:57
NOTE: Before taking this test, make sure you have a pen and paper handy to keep score.

ENJOY!!!

(1) Ever laughed at someone else's misfortune? 1 point

(2) Ever laughed at a physically or mentally handicapped person? 2 points

(3) Ever tried alcohol? 1 point

(4) Ever been drunk? 2 points

(5) Ever play drinking games? 2 points

(6) Ever fall down because you drank too much? 3 points

(7) Ever drink enough to throw up? 4 points bonus: throwing up on yourself or another person 1 point

(8) Ever wake up and not remember what you did the night before? 5 points

(9) Ever been forceably removed from a bar? 8 points

(10) Ever participated in/finished a pub brawl? 5 points

(11) Do you drink regularly, at least 3 times a week? 3 points bonus: 1 point for each additional day (max. 7 points)

(12) Ever fall asleep/pass out in a bar? 4 points

(13) Ever try pot, hash, magic mushrooms? 4 points for each one tried

(14) Do you do drugs regularly? 4 points bonus: at least 4 times a week 4 points

(15) Ever bought soft drugs? 4 points

(16) Ever sell drugs? 8 points

(17) Ever sell drugs to support a drug habit? 12 points

(18) Ever used barbituates? 8 points

(19) Ever used hallucinogens? 8 points

(20) Ever used narcotics? 10 points

(21) Ever been stoned or drunk for more than 48 hours? 8 points

(22) Ever been on a date? 2 points

(23) Ever been felt up, groped? 2 points bonus: to orgasm 2 points

(24) Ever had sexual intercourse? 6 points

(25) Ever had a bath or shower with the opposite sex? 5 points

(26) Ever paid for sex? 8 points

(27) Ever taken advantage of someone while they were stoned or drunk? 4 points

(28) Ever get someone stoned or drunk to obtain sexual favors and succeed? 8 points

(29) Ever engage in oral sex? 4 points bonus: to orgasm 2 points

(30) Ever engage in anal sex? 6 points bonus: to orgasm 2 points

(31) Ever engage in the 69 position? 4 points

(32) Ever contract an STD? 12 points

(33) Ever had sex without a contraceptive? 4 points

(34) Ever had or knowingly been responsible for an abortion? 12 points

(35) Ever had sex with two or more partners in a week? 4 points

(36) Ever had sex with more than one person at a time? 9 points

(37) Ever had sex in a public place? 6 points

(38) Ever had carpet burns in relation to a sexual act? 4 points

(39) Ever engage in sexual activity with a member of the same sex? 10 points

(40) Ever practiced bondage, masochism, or sadism for sexual gratification? 6 points

(41) Ever used sex toys? 6 points

(42) Ever pass out during sex? 5 points

(43) Ever been responsible for losing someone else's virginity? 4 points

(44) Ever masturbated while talking on the phone? 3 points

(45) Ever bought something in a sex shop? 3 points

(46) Ever licked or have someone lick an eyeball? 1 point toes - 2 points ears - 1 point

(47) Ever have sex with a relative? 5 points

(48) Ever make soemone sleep in the wet spot? 6 points

(49) Does necrophelia, pedophilia, or beastiality turn you on? 20 points

(50) Ever been arrested? 8 points. bonus: if convicted - 7 points

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SCORING:

0-20 A life with the church is too corrupt for you.

21-40 You barely make our scale.

41-60 Approaching normal, you aren't much fun on a date.

61-100 Normal,you use your right hand like everyone else.

101-130 Above average, you've got a few tricks below the belt.

131-160 You're enjoying life to the max.

161-200 You're a danger to society. Who let you out on a day pass?

200+ You're going straight to hell.

Old Fart
11-11-05, 18:12
When the very curvaceous female midshipman at the Naval Academy noticed one of the men she was inspecting during formation had an erection, "And what do you call that trouser bulge, mister??"

The sailor looked her straight in the eye as he replied, "It's a one-gun salute,ma'am."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ole and Lena are sixty-nining when Ole says, "Leena did you know there is 117,000 musk-ox in Alaska?"

Lena says, "No, I didn't. Gee, you're smart."

Ole says, "And Lena, did you know there are 482,000 grizzly bears living in Alaska?"

Lena says, "No I didn't. Gee, you¹re smart."

Ole says, "Lena, did you know there is over 2,000,000 caribou living in Alaska?"

"No," says Lena, "how did you get so smart?" sort of wondering how this conversation came about in the middle of their sex play.

Ole says, "Remember last winter when we ran out of toilet paper and we had to use the pages out of magazines?"

"Yes, I remember," says Lena.

Ole says, "Well you still have page 63 of the National Geographic stuck to your ass."

Tjbfan1958
11-12-05, 20:54
What do the Chicago White Sox and singer Bobby Brown have in common?

They both beat Houston 4 times in a week.

Old Fart
11-14-05, 05:50
The General was doing his monthly visit to the army hospital. He stopped at the first bed and asked "What is your problem soldier?" "Hemorrhoids, Sir," the soldier replied.

"How do they treat them?" the General wanted to know. "The nurse comes
in the morning and brushes them with medication." said the soldier.

"Good! Have you any complaints?

"No, thank you Sir".

The General stops a the second bed and the same conversation took place

"What is your problem soldier?"

"Hemorrhoids, Sir," the soldier replied. " How do they treat them?" the
General wanted to know. "The nurse comes in the morning and brushes them
with medication." said the soldier.

"Good! Have you any complaints?

"No, thank you Sir"
Then he stops at the bed of the third soldier. "What is your problem soldier?"

"Tonsillitis Sir," the soldier replied

" How do they treat them?" the General wanted to know. "The nurse comes
in the morning and brushes them with medication." said the soldier.

"Good! Have you any complaints?

"Yes Sir, I have - From now on, I would like to be the first to be brushed!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Two boys were skinny dipping and the one couldn't help noticing the size of the other's manhood, so he asked "How did ya get it that big?"

The other boy responded "Well I rub it down every night with lard."

Two weeks later they were back at the swimming hole. Once again there was a comparison made with no results. The first boy said "I did what ya told me. Every night I have rubbed it down with

Crisco." The other boy exclaimed "Well, no wonder, that's shortening."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

***ONE FOR THE ROAD***

In many cultures, an unmarried woman is considered a virgin, even if she's a prostitute. It's only after marriage that she loses her virginity.

When the ancient Chinese would have sex with a goose, as a climax they used to pull off its head to feel its death contractions.

As foreplay a Ponapean man may sometimes put a fish in the woman's vulva and gently lick it.

It's illegal to have sex with a corpse anywhere in the United States.

In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, it's against the law to have sex with a truck driver in a toll booth.

There is a law in Kingsville, Texas, that forbids pigs to have sex on Kingsville airport property.

In 1709 it was believed that the widespread infertility of Spanish women was due to singing during sex.

According to Kinsey, half of the men raised on farms have had a sexual encounter with an animal.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Nico
11-15-05, 00:10
I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so.I went into a drugstore to buy a package of condoms. There was a beautiful woman behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked, if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No."

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store. It was empty. She said, "Just a minute," and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. She asked, "Do these excite you?"

Well, I was so dumbstruck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said, it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down on a desk.

"Well, come on," she insisted, "we don't have much time."

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and pow, I was done within a few minutes.

She looked at me with a frown. "Did you put that condom on?"

I replied, "I sure did," and held up my thumb to show her.

Nico
11-15-05, 00:36
The Hen House And The Missing Cock

The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock
and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church.

But one Saturday night the cock went missing!

The priest knew that cock fights happened in the
village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning.

During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"

All the men stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has
anybody seen a cock?"

All the women stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has
anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"

Half the women stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has
anybody seen MY cock?

All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a
goat stood up.

Constantsorrow
11-23-05, 18:46
I used to do a lot of consulting work and was on the road for long periods at a time. I ran across this some time back.


Are you a prostitute or a consultant?

You work very odd hours.

You are paid a lot of money to keep your client happy.

You are paid well but your pimp gets most of the money.

You spend a majority of your time in a hotel room.

You charge by the hour but your time can be extended for the right price.

You are not proud of what you do.

Creating fantasies for your clients is rewarded.

It's difficult to have a family.

You have no job satisfaction.

If a client beats you up, the pimp just sends you to another client.

You are embarrassed to tell people what you do for a living.

People ask you, "What do you do?" and you can't explain it.

Your family hardly recognizes you at reunions (at least the reunions you attend.)

Your friends have distanced themselves from you and you're left hanging with only other "professionals."

Your client pays for your hotel room plus your hourly rate.

Your client always wants to know how much you charge and what they get for the money.

Your pimp drives nice cars like Mercedes or BMWs.

Your pimp encourages drinking and you become addicted to drugs to ease the pain.

You know the pimp is charging more than you are worth but if the client is foolish enough to pay it's not your problem.

When you leave to go see a client, you look great, but return looking like hell (compare your appearance on Monday AM to Friday PM).

You are rated on your "performance" in an excruciating ordeal.

Even though you get paid the big bucks, it's the client who walks away smiling.

The client always thinks your "cut" of your billing rate is higher than it actually is, and in turn, expects miracles from you.

When you deduct your "take" from your billing rate, you constantly wonder if you could get a better deal with another pimp.

Everyday you wake up and tell yourself, "I'm not going to be doing this stuff the rest of my life.".

Old Fart
11-27-05, 16:38
The London Daily Telegraph recently conducted a poll of male readers
to see what exactly each enjoyed from a blow job.

Seven per cent said they most enjoyed the sensations.

Five per cent confessed their chief enjoyment came from the sense of
domination.

Eighty eight per cent said they really enjoyed the peace and quiet.

Then the Telegraph identified the 88 per cent and their wives said they
had better enjoy the last one they got because they were never getting another one.

Layin Pipe
11-30-05, 01:46
Check out this (www.hotget.com/videocodefun/Comedy-Blind_Date_with_a_Crackwhore--250.html) video, it is too funny!

Daddy Lows
11-30-05, 03:29
LP,

Damn, dude, that sh*t cracked me up!

Peace

DropFrame
12-02-05, 11:00
How do you make a hormone?
Put sand in the Vaseline.

Q. What doesn't belong in this list? Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?

A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob


Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.

I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, and I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ....and she's always sound asleep."


Q. How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?

A. One of his fingers is clean.


A man and a woman are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the woman gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car.
She says, "Look, its shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?"
He says, "Put it between your legs."
She says, "What about the smell?"
He says, "Hold its nose."

Zero
12-06-05, 03:38
1. The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it.
2. He's off to the sidelines for a quick blow.
3. It's a game of inches.
4. When you get down in this area, you just gotta start pounding.
5. He's gonna feel that one tomorrow.
6. He found his tight end.
7. He had to stretch to get it in.
8. He could go all the way.
9. He goes deep.
10. He found a hole and slid through it.

Zoomster
12-07-05, 02:33
This is the first dirty joke I ever heard, oh so many years ago:

The famous detective Dick Tracy was a very busy man. He didn't have time for a girlfriend, but he did have a hot neighbor in the next door apartment. Sometimes they would get together for a quickie, but when he was pressed for time, he would slide his dick through a hole in the wall, knock three times, and get a fast blowjob.

One day Dick Tracy was in a hurry, so he put his schlong through the hole and knocked three times. The girl wasn't home, but her cleaning lady was present. The old lady saw the penis and, not knowing what it was, took a kitchen knife and sliced it off. When the detective arrived at the precinct an hour later, one of the cops yelled over "Look! It's Dick Tracy!" To which he replied - "Nope. It's Tracy now. Just Tracy."

DropFrame
12-07-05, 11:49
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.

The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her
first day promptly at 0800.

The next day at 0845 there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.

The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up,
putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men
march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmos
all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me
Elmos. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it
around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between
Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches
Lena.

"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, but I think
you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday......"Your job is to
give Elmo two test tickles!

Nico
12-10-05, 20:08
A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!"

The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.

Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!"

The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.

The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up... "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!"

The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts beating the shit out of the little rabbit.

As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!"

The lion answers, "That little fucker makes me run around the forest like an idiot for hours on end every time he's on ecstasy!"

Daddy Lows
12-12-05, 12:38
A duck waddles into a bar. He looks up at the bartender and asks him, "DO you have any pretzels?" The bartender says no and the duck waddles out.

The next day the same duck waddles in and asks the bartender the same thing to which the bartender replies no and the duck waddles out.

On the third day, the duck waddles in and before he can ask the same question, the bartender says, "If you ask me again about the pretzels, I'll staple your beak shut."

The next day, the duck waddles in and quickly chimes, "DO you have any staples?" The bartender says, "Wha? No. I don't have any staples" to which the duck asks, "DO you have any pretzels?"

Peace

Npaul
12-12-05, 13:40
40-ish.............................................49

Adventurous.................................Slept with everyone

Athletic..........................................No tits

Average looking..........................Moooo

Beautiful.......................................Pathological liar

Emotionally Secure......................On medication

Feminist..........................................Fat

Free spirit....................................Junkie

Friendship first..........................Former ****

New-Age....................................Body hair in the wrong places

Old-fashioned........................! .....No BJs

Open-minded.................................Desperate

Outgoing........................................Loud and Embarrassing

Professional....................................*****

Voluptuous...................................Very Fat

Large frame.................................Hugely Fat

Wants Soul mate...............................Stalker

-----------------------------------------------------------------

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No

2. No = Yes

3. Maybe = No

4. We need = I want

5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry

6. We need to talk = You're in trouble

7. Sure, go ahead = You better not

8. Do! what you want = You will pay for this later

9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!

10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

---------------------------------------------------------

MEN'S ENGLISH:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry

2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy

3. I am tired = I am tired

4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

5. I love you = Let's have sex now

6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?

7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you

8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you

9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you

10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd li! ke to have sex with you

Gorilla69
12-13-05, 12:32
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20051212/lf_nm/brazil_prostitute_dc;_ylt=Ahe8bD133ICIxV912BpKb2Zg.3QA;_ylu=X3oDMTA4b3FrcXQ0BHNlYwMxNjkz

Copy and paste... good story about a prostitute in Brazil with a best selling bio.

Old Fart
12-13-05, 19:57
You are in control of her as she works over your unit with her sweet mouth.
Click on this address or cut and paste:


http://img321.imageshack.us/img321/7915/britneyheadsession12zn.swf

Old Fart
12-14-05, 16:11
Doctor Bob had sex with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

Every once in a while, however, he'd hear that soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure him: "Bob, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go."

But invariably another voice would bring him back to reality: "Bob, you're a veterinarian!"

AugustaSexFiend
12-18-05, 05:54
What was George W, Bush's opinion on ROE v. WADE? He didn't care how people got out of New Orleans after the hurricane!

AugustaSexFiend
12-18-05, 06:14
A man walks by a house with a sign that reads 'talking dog 4 sale-$10! '. Seeing the mutt in the yard, the man asks "What's your story dog? "

"When my owner found out I could talk, he signed me up with the CIA, and I was sent to eavesdrop all over the world. I helped take down a lot of high profile targets, won medals, then retired back here".

Amazed, the man enters the house and asks the owner why he only wants $10 for such a remarkable animal.

"Because he's a liar, " the owner said. "He didn't do any of that shit! "