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Admin
05-19-02, 17:03
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Dickhead
07-09-02, 22:47
Q: Why did the doctor use two fingers to give a rectal exam?
A: He wanted a second opinion.

GuessWho
10-23-02, 15:38
There was this young woman who was gorgeous and had a plan to marry some ol' geizer hoping to screw him to death on their wedding night and reep the rewards. A month later she married this 80 year old guy who could barely walk and she thought she'd be all set. On there wedding night she layed in bed waiting for him to come out of the bathroom so she could screw the daylights out of him and be rich. The old guy comes out of the bathroom and she has a scared but puzzled look. He was naked but was wearing ear and noze plugs, also a condom on his twelve inch erection. She gasped and said "oh my, what are you doing?" The old guy responded "two things I hate the most, the sound of a woman screaming and the smell of rubber burning."

køsmik
10-25-02, 21:23
How is a Micro·wave Oven different from Anal Sex ??

>
>
>
>
>
>

A Micro·wave Oven won't Brown your Meat !!

NewJohn
11-14-02, 17:20
A little late for Halloween, but here it is anyway:

Q: What don't witches wear underwear?

A: To get a better grip on the broom.

Havanaman
11-17-02, 17:47
Two hot-shot business men are coming to the end of their extended lunch break in a restaurant:

John: "Wow, look at the ass on her, great tits and what a mouth! I’ve still got half an hour, maybe I’ll ask her for a 68.

Steve: "A 68 ?"

John: "Yea, she can give me a BBBJ and I’ll owe her one…"

Havanaman
11-18-02, 19:18
A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor appartment when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing.

"Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."

As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.

While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"

"No!" she shrieked, aghast.

So, he dropped her.

As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked.

"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.
He dropped her, too.

The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor.

"I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.

"****!" he said, and dropped her.

Havanaman
11-18-02, 19:29
A monger walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a few minutes he turns to her and says, "Can I smell your pussy?"

The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!"

"Hmmm," he replies. "It must be your feet, then."

Havanaman
11-22-02, 09:52
A woman, getting married for the fourth time, goes to a bridal shop and asks for a white dress.

"You can't wear white.", reminds the sales clerk, "You've been married three times already."

"Of course I can, I'm a virgin!", says the bride. "Impossible", says the sales clerk.

"Unfortunately not", the bride explained. "My first husband was a psychologist. All he wanted to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynaecologist. All he wanted to do was look at it. My third husband was a stamp collector.... God how I miss him"

Ting Tong
12-13-02, 05:07
What does a right boob say to left boob?

Kilgore Trout
01-05-03, 12:15
"Inquisition II: The MBI-trix"

Starring "The Orlando Whoremongers"
and MBI Detective Ray Peters as Himself

[Peters and Trout, in the infamous MBI interrogation room.]

Agent Peters: You have a problem with authority, Mr. Trout. You believe that you are special, that somehow the rules do not apply to you. Obviously you are mistaken.

[Pulls out the "Trout Dossier," hardcopies of all Trout's "fiction" as well as a psycho-analysis prepared by the MBI profilers.]

Agent Peters: As you can see, [shuffles through the pages] we've had our eye on you for some time now, Mr. Trout. It seems that you've been living two lives. In one life, you're Kilgore T. Trout, night manager of a popular 24-hour convenience store, you have a social security number, you pay your taxes, and you help your landlady carry out her garbage. The other life is lived in computers, where you go by the whoreboard alias Headhunter and are guilty of virtually every morality crime we have a law for. One of these lives has a future, and one of them does not. I'm going to be as forthcoming as I can be, Mr. Trout. You're here because we need your help. We know that you've been contacted by a certain individual, a man who calls himself Iron Worker. Now whatever you think you know about this man is irrelevant. He is considered by many authorities to be the most dangerous man alive. My colleagues believe that I am wasting my time with you but I believe that you wish to do the right thing. We're willing to wipe the slate clean, give you a fresh start and all that we're asking in return is your cooperation in bringing a known terrorist to justice.

Trout: Yeah. Wow, that sound like a really good deal. But I think I got a better one. How about I give you the finger... and you give me my phone call.

Agent Peters: Um, Mr. Trout. You disappoint me.

Trout: You can't scare me with this Gestapo crap. I know my rights. I want my phone call.

Agent Peters: Tell me, Mr. Trout, what good is a phone call if you're unable to speak... [evil laugh] Mr. Trout, may I call you Kilgore? Thanks, I think I will. Actually, Kilgore, I somewhat enjoy your writing, and the celebrity status it has given me. But beware, you will slip up one day, and I will be there to nail your ass to the proverbial cross when you do. You are free to go now, but remember: I am watching.

Trout: Tell me Ray, you don't get laid much do you? Listen, I know this young black cutie who will suck you raw until your prostate positively begs for mercy. Forget this moral crusade of yours, and join Iron Worker and I on the dark side. We know you secretly envy us. And with your power, just think of what a great monger you could become. We are not criminals: we just like sex, and lots of it. Now tell me, is that so wrong? Give it a try, Ray my boy, you just might like it... [evil laugh]

Jordan01
01-07-03, 12:18
Welcome to RN's Useless Trivia 101:

The white wedding dress is only a relatively new concept, made popular by Queen Victoria in the late 1800's. In biblical times, BLUE was actually the symbol of purity...which is why the Virgin Mary is always portrayed wearing a blue dress and veil. (I read waaaay too many history books. I'm such a dork). These days I think it's just considered "the norm" to wear white, or variations of it, just as it's expected that you will wear black to a funeral. Although, very traditional people (like Italian Catholics for example) still seem to take the "white dress/virginity" thing pretty seriously. Some women probably still feel pressured by their families to keep up appearances.

I'm not into white weddings. I got married in an ivory dress. If I ever get married again, I'll be wearing a medieval gown with long flowing sleeves, flowers in my hair and bare feet...and there will be a feast afterwards, complete with bar wenches in low-cut corsets serving grog. *grin*

bigbuddy
01-12-03, 07:53
Funny article from the Onion about prostitution. Kind of old but still funny.

http://www.theonion.com/onion3208/sexforsecurity.html

CaribbeanGringo
02-16-03, 21:47
So these newlywed Italians arrive at their hotel after the ceremony. But they can't figure out what they are supposed to do. So the Italian boy calls up his Mom and says, "hey Mom...help me out, what am I supposed to do?"

She says, "now honey, just snuggle together on the couch, and you'll figure it out."

So he hangs up and they start snuggling on the couch, but pretty soon they can't figure out what to do next. So the boy calls his Mom back up and says, "ok Mom, we've been snuggling, what do we do next?"

She says, "now son, just start kissing and you'll figure out what else to do."

So he hangs up, and starts making out with his new wife, but they can't figure out what to do next. So he calls back his Mom.

"Mom, we've been kissing, but now what?"

"Ok, son, now listen closely. Take your longest thing and put it in her hairiest thing."

"Ok, mom, I'll give it a try."

A few minutes later, his mom's phone rings:

"Ok, mom. I've got my nose in her armpit, now what do I do?"

DiabloMactavish
02-20-03, 03:27
A wealthy, older man approaches a woman in a bar and says, "My dear, you are simply one of the most attractive women I have ever seen. I would like to know, would you have sex with me if I paid you one million dollars?"

The girl says "Why yes of course I would."

"Well, would you have sex with me if I paid you five dollars?" he asks.

"Of course not, what kind of woman do you think I am?" she answers haughtily.

"My dear," he replies, "We've already established what kind of woman you are, now I'm just haggling on the price."

Dickhead
02-20-03, 04:00
A Scot goes to Dublin for his first visit. On his way to the pub he passes a couple of wee Irish lassies. They ask him, "We are curious: Is anything worn under your kilt?" He responds, "Nay, lassies, 'tis as good as it ever was," and proceeds to the pub where he gets really drunk. Heading back to his hotel, he trips and falls in a ditch. Taking stock of the situation, he decides to sleep it off in the ditch rather than try to extricate himself in his drunken state. The Irish lassies spot him in the ditch on their way home and decide to satisfy their curiosity. They carefully descend into the ditch, lift up the kilt, and determine their suspicions are correct. They are about to leave when one lass says, "Wait, let's leave him a souvenir." She takes the ribbon from her hair and ties it 'round his tallywhacker.

The Scot wakes up in the morning with a terrible hangover, drags himself out of the ditch and proceeds directly to his hotel. He strips off his shirt and kilt and, eyes barely open, gets in the shower. Eventually he looks down and perks up a bit: "Ay, laddie, I don't know where ye've been, but I'm glad ye won first prize."

Dickhead
02-20-03, 04:09
An Irish couple have had seven children in seven years so they go to the doctor. The doctor prescribes the pill. They return in a few months and she is pregnant again. The doctor says, "Didn't you use the pills I prescribed?" The woman says, "Yes, but they must have been the wrong size because they kept falling out." The doctor rolls his eyes and prescribes the diaphragm (pessary).

They return the following year and she is pregnant again. The doctor enquires, "Didn't you use the diaphragm?" The woman says, "Well, I tried to but I hated eating that tube of jelly; it was so bitter." The doctor rolls his eyes and gives them condoms.

They return the following year and she is pregnant again. The doctor asks, "Didn't you use the condoms?" The man says, "Yes, but after three days I had to piss so bad I cut a hole in the end of it." The doctor thinks for a while and then sends the man out of the room. He says to the woman, "Look, I'm going to make this real simple. Every night when you go to bed, you need to put your feet in a ten gallon bucket." She thinks about this for a while and finally nods in understanding.

They return the following year and she is pregnant again. The doctor is beside himself with frustration. He says, "Didn't you use the ten gallon bucket?" The woman says, "Well, we didn't have a ten gallon bucket but I used two five gallon ones."

Dickhead
02-20-03, 04:12
An Irish lad is walking through Cork when he sees a sign on a door: "Trips to America: Twenty Quid." He opens the door and someone hits him over the head with a brick. He wakes up three days later with a blinding headache, handcuffed to a rubber raft in the middle of the Atlantic. He looks around and then asks the handcuffed mick next to him, "Do they serve any drinks on this cruise?" The second mick responds, "Well, they didn't last year."

eFrog
02-21-03, 21:56
Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came back,
right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee.

They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they
stopped and decided to go there anyway.

The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she took off
her panties, used them to clean herself and discarded them.

The second not finding anything either, thought, "I'm not getting rid of my
panties!" so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself.

The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the
phone, and one says to the other:

"We have to be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to no good
last night, my wife came home without her panties."

The other one responded: "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to
her butt that read, 'We will never forget you.'"

CaribbeanGringo
02-23-03, 01:51
This guy, gambling in a casino, sees an absolutely gorgeous blonde hooker. He asks her "how much for a handjob"?

She takes him outside, points out a limo, and says, "see that? Its mine. $100 for the HJ.

The next night he sees her again, and after enjoying the HJ the night before so much, he says, how "much for a BJ?"

She takes him outside, and pointing out some condominiums on a hill, she says, "see those? They're mine. And its $500 for a BJ."

Well, the handjob had been so good, he says, ok.

The next night he sees her again, and recalling the amazing BJ from the night before, he says, "OK, how much for the works, full sex this time?"

She takes him outside, and says, "see that casino down the street? If I had a vagina, it would be mine!!"

PurpleNGold
03-04-03, 23:16
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No, think of another wish."

The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish.

Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...."

The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"

PurpleNGold
03-06-03, 02:46
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?

Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Lady 1: Where did you get it?

Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel.

The pharmacist fainted.

PurpleNGold
03-07-03, 01:15
An man walks into a bar and orders three drinks. He raises each one in turn, like a toast and drinks it. He does this for several weeks straight, untill, one day, the bartender says. Why do you drink like that?

The man says, "Well, my two brothers and I have all moved to different parts of the world. But, we agreed that we would always drink three mugs of ale at a time--one for each of us."

After a while, the man begins to only order 2 drinks at a time. And a while later, he has reduced his intake to 1 mug at a time. The bartender asks "Why don't you drink a mug for each of your brothers anymore? Has something happened to them?"

THe man says, "Oh no. They're fine. But, they gave up drinking."

Dickhead
03-16-03, 04:00
A rich snob walks into a neighborhood bar and says, "Bartender, I'd like some thirty-year-old Scotch." The bartender searches for a while but all he can find is some eighteen-year-old Scotch. He figures the snob won't know the difference and pours a glass of it (over ice, of course).

The snob takes one sip and spits it back into the glass. He says, "Bartender, this is eighteen-year-old Scotch. I asked for thirty-year-old Scotch." The bartender searches and searches but all he can find is some twenty-four-year-old Scotch. He figures the snob can't possibilly tell the difference so he pours him some.

The snob takes one sip and spits it out all over the bar. He says, "Bartender, I specifically asked for thirty-year-old Scotch and this is clearly twenty-four-year-old Scotch. Now I am going to go to the gentlemen's room and when I come back there had bloody well better be some thirty-year-old Scotch in this glass." Off he goes to visit the facilities.

While the bartender is searching, a local drunk who has been watching the proceedings ambles over and pisses in the snob's glass. The bartender, unable to find any suitable Scotch, is just returning when the snob gets back from the men's room and takes a sip. He spits it out and then says, "Bartender, this is PISS!" From his perch on the other side of the bar, the drunk asks, "So ... how old am I?"

Hysteromania
04-03-03, 07:59
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot." I call mine "Sex." Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me.

When I went to the City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like to have one too." Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He said, "You must have been quite a kid!"

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex. He said, "Every room in the place is for sex." I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too."

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I should have sold tickets. "But you don't understand," I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on T.V." He called me a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, "Me too."

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex."

My case comes up Friday.

Dickhead
04-03-03, 12:27
I named my dog Herpes, because he won't heel.

dieter
04-03-03, 16:14
Studies in genetic science have revealed that, at some point in their lives, most women have intelligent DNA in their systems.

Unfortunately, most of them spit it out.

PurpleNGold
04-08-03, 21:25
This was sent to me via e-mail. It was attributed to Chris Rock.


You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon.' Need I say more?

Warpig2000
04-09-03, 14:53
An American is having breakfast one morning (coffee, croissants,
bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing gum, sits down next to him.

The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a
conversation.

French man: "You American folk eat the whole bread??"
American (in a bad mood): "Of course."

French: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we
only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container,
recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the
states."

The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.
The American listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"
American: "Of Course."

Frenchman: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling).
"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle
them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to the states."

The American then asks: "Do you have sex in France?"
Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.

American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've
used them?"
Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."

American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container,
recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them
to France."

Hysteromania
04-16-03, 12:04
Originally posted by Dickhead
I named my dog Herpes, because he won't heel.

That's one sick puppy!! Hope you enjoy this one, thought about putting it more appropriately in the American Women section, maybe so.

http://www.collegehumor.com/?image_id=10111&return=pictures

Hysteromania
04-16-03, 12:12
Just one more, could not resist not posting this one!

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's
office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"

The man says, "We have a problem with sexual intercourse, do you want see?"

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye.

The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor then leave. Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare in addition to the miles earned with my credit card."

Dickhead
04-16-03, 13:01
An old Swede goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I haff a problem. Every morning at 6:30 I bane take big shit."

The doctor says, "It's good that a man your age is regular. Why is this a problem?"

The Swede says, "Vell, for vun tink I don't get up til seven."

Hysteromania
04-19-03, 23:23
If you made a clone of your wife/girlfriend and had sex with it, would it be considered cheating? Would it really be a threesome if the real wife/girlfriend joined in?!?

Lastly, if you made a clone of yourself and had sex with it would it be gay, incest, or just masturbation?

MeisterPat
04-20-03, 12:14
Hysteromania,

Maybe it would just be 'fucking yourself'.

AddictedToWomen
04-20-03, 12:56
OK, well its not really a joke, but it is pretty humorous. To me anyway... The original, resplendent with links to appropriate sites, is at http://www.thespleen.com/international/baikilo7/index.php?artID=43


The Sex-Pat Manifesto


I am my cock. This is why I "cum" to Bangkok, to let all the pretty Thai ladies know all about me, which pretty much consists of whipping out my cock at every opportunity (and there’s plenty of opportunities, boys!).


How'd I get to be where I am, dripping cum all over anything that moves in a bee-yootiful country like Thailand? Well, that’s pretty simple. One day I woke up with a hard-on and said: "Hey, I got a cock here that ain’t being sucked. What gives?" Bing -- time to hit the sex-pat trail!


But it hasn’t all been peaches-and-steaming-hot-prick-cream. No sir. Whenever I come back to the States, I get lots of shit for "thinking with my dick," as some clever fucker once said. Yeah? Well, think with this rammed down your throat, asswipe!


And I got something to say to all you feminist moralizing bitches back home who criticize me for getting my cock sucked by the Thai lovelies. A BIG FAT ASS FUCK YOU! If you were sucking my cock then I wouldn’t need to travel 8,000 miles to get it sucked by them. It’s nice to talk all that morality shit -- but that ain’t doing my cock much good.


Also, to all you PC fuck-faces who say I’m exploiting Thai farm girls by making them take my cock in their dainty little nutmeg hands and sticking it into their cock-rocking little pussies for about $20 on average? FUCK YOU TOO. Must of those farm girls leave 14-hour-a-day, $200-a-month factory jobs to go to work on my cock -- for much better pay than they get in the sweatshops. Wage-slave factories may be nice and all -- but they ain’t doing my cock much good.


Anyway, at least I deal with the girls face-to-face. Transactions are between the girls and my cock, straight up "lez"-sez faire capitalism (especially when they do a girl-on-girl show for me in my hotel room). The closest you fuckers who want to keep my girls in the factories and away from my cock come to face-to-face transactions with these ladies is when you pull on your Gap sweaters, you fucking hypocrites.


Based on my intimate knowledge of Thai ladies, they’d rather be milking another load of jizz out of my cock in a short-time hotel with a quality satellite TV hook-up than milking another pair of fucking Nikes out of some archaic Singer in a locked-down firetrap in the middle of some Third World industrial estate with enough lead in the drinking water to supply Dixon-fucking-Ticonderoga for 800 fucking years.


Besides, it's not like I force 'em to manipulate my cock to the point of multiple ejaculations in a frenzy of crotch-grinding, cum-spraying abandon for about what it costs for a cup of stale coffee in a 5th Avenue bistro. It's not my fault that the best job millions of girls in places like Thailand, Brazil and Madagascar can find is servicing my cock and millions of rock-hard cocks just like mine. Just like it's not your fault that the ruby on your finger was dug up by a 7-year-old Burmese landmine victim and carried at gunpoint through 300 miles of malaria-infested jungle in the ass-crack of a blind opium addict. Hey, we both got our needs.


Right now you're probably saying, "Damn, this guy Chomsky has it ALL figgered out!" And I’d have to say: "It ain't me, boys and girls -- it's my cock!"


Noam Chomsky is a professor of linguistics at MIT

Dickhead
04-20-03, 21:14
Q: Why can't Christ walk on water?

A: Because his feet leak.

Happy easter.

PurpleNGold
04-20-03, 21:48
AddictedToWomen,

Do you know of any other source that attributes that to Chomsky? I could see him saying something like that, but not necessarily in that style with that language.

Regardless, it's a pretty funny lecture.

AddictedToWomen
04-21-03, 21:38
Originally posted by purplengold
AddictedToWomen,

Do you know of any other source that attributes that to Chomsky? I could see him saying something like that, but not necessarily in that style with that language.

Regardless, it's a pretty funny lecture.

'fraid I don't, no. But then I haven't made any attempt to look either I'm afraid, just lifted it as-is!

Jordan01
04-25-03, 06:50
A recent survey asked 100 sexually active women if their asshole twitched after sex. 90% replied no, he just rolls over and goes to sleep…..

When your wife is having an orgasm what is her arsehole doing? Drinking with his mates at the pub.

Elton John goes to a tattooist and says "I want a car tattoed on my cock". "What sort of car would you like?" askes the tattooist. "Better make it a 4X4", says Elton, "I do a lot of driving in the mud".

Why do cows look so pissed off when they're being milked? Well if someone woke you up at 5am, rubbed your tits for 2 hours and then didn’t fuck you...you’d be pissed off too.

Husband: Every time I look in the mirror I get an erection.
Wife: I'm not surprised. You’ve got a face like a twat!

Today, its cool to have small cars and small mobiles… Soon the day will come when a SMALL PENIS will be in fashion, and then my friend, you will be da man!

A mad scientist invents a self lubricating pussy, and gives it to his wife. "What am I suppose 2 do with that?" she asks. He replies "Teach it to cook and then FUCK OFF!"

What do a toilet, a birthday and a clitoris all have in common? Men usually miss all three!!!!!

Guy comes home to find his wife wearing crotchless panties. She opens her legs and says, "Do u want to lick this?"
"Are you kidding??" says the guy. "Look what it’s done to your knickers!!"

A lesbian goes to the gynocologist for a check up. He says "You have the cleanest pussy I've ever seen". "Thanks," she says. "I have a woman in twice a week!"

What do u call the fatty tissue that surrounds the clit?
The wife!!

Two pregnant women knitting jumpers. One says "I hope I have a boy, coz my wools blue". The other says, "I hope mine's a spastic, coz I’ve just fucked the arms up!!"

NASA have found the black box from Columbia. Last recorded message was "Go on let her have a go. What harm can she do?"

An elephant meets a camel and asks, "Why are your breasts on your back?" The camel replies "What kind of question is that, from someone who’s dick is on his face!!!"

My uncle just got struck off the medical register for having sex with his patients… It’s a shame, because he's a very good vet.

Did you hear about the salad chef who got his fingers caught in the cucumber cutter? He got sacked, and so did she!

Jordan01
04-25-03, 06:57
100 men were asked in a survey, what they most enjoyed about having a blow job.
99.9 % said the 10 minutes silence.


There’s a new vibrator just out for women. It's so realistic that just before she cums...it cums, coughs, farts, goes limp and then switches itself off!!


Mirror, Mirror on the wall
Who's the sexiest of them all?
The mirror laughed, then made a grunt
"Well it isn't you, you ugly c*nt".

Hysteromania
04-25-03, 14:27
I think it is a joke but seems like a humorous story.
First Cambodian Sex Shop Closes As Sex Toys Too Big
http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_343910.html

And this is a hoot, Elderly Couple Arrested After Having Sex in Fast Food Restaurant. What was name of the place? Hardees.
http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_774176.html?menu=news.weirdworld.sexlife

Ynot
04-27-03, 21:59
I originally posted this on the Chicago board. Since then, I've received a couple requests to post it here, so here goes:

Have I been going to AMP's too long? Here are my symptoms:
I get a woody every time I see a neon "open" sign.

I think that law enforcement window decals mean I'm gonna get lucky.

I try to get on very good terms with older Korean women.

If I go somewhere new, I always insist that I've been there before.

When I empty my pockets at night, I always put my valuables in clear plastic zipper bags.

After I take a shower, my towel always "accidentally" falls down from around my waist.

Whenever I go to bed, I always lay on my stomach with my legs spread and Mr. Happy pointing down.

After sex, I always have a taste for starlight mints.
Is it too late for me? Should I seek professional help?

PurpleNGold
04-27-03, 22:11
ynot, that's fucking hilarious. Thanks for posting.

And, one:

When I was a child, I used to hate going to weddings. My aunts used to pinch my cheeks and say "You're next." As I got older, I found a good way to make them knock that shit off: At funerals, I'd poke them in the ribs and say "You're next."

Joe Zop
04-28-03, 00:36
There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.

First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.

Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.

The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw."

The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming."

Joe Zop
04-28-03, 01:04
Ok, this one's in honor of RN:

A Koala bear decides he wants to get laid, so he picks up a prostitute. He goes down on her several times and they are really enjoying themselves. After they are finished the koala bear starts getting dressed.

The prostitute says, "wheres my money?"

The koala bear shrugs his shoulders. The prostitute repeats herself asking for her money. Again he shrugs his shoulders. The hooker grabs a dictionary and looks up the word prostitute and shows it to the koala bear.

It says "gets paid for sex."

The koala bear picks up the dictionary and looks up Koala Bear and shows it to the prostitute.

It says, "Eats bush and leaves!"

Ruf66
04-29-03, 02:27
Three women, while traveling in a train, are discussing different types of
pain.
The first woman says, "There is no pain like when you suffer a fracture".
The second woman says, "That's nothing. Post-surgical pain is the worst".
The third woman says, "I disagree. Pain during childbirth is the
severest".
An old man who is resting up on the top bunk overhears this conversation
and interrupts them.
"I don't think you three have ever experienced a swift kick to the balls".

Dickhead
05-03-03, 02:09
Originally posted by joe_zop
Ok, this one's in honor of RN:

A Koala bear decides he wants to get laid, so he picks up a prostitute. He goes down on her several times and they are really enjoying themselves. After they are finished the koala bear starts getting dressed.

The prostitute says, "wheres my money?"

The koala bear shrugs his shoulders. The prostitute repeats herself asking for her money. Again he shrugs his shoulders. The hooker grabs a dictionary and looks up the word prostitute and shows it to the koala bear.

It says "gets paid for sex."

The koala bear picks up the dictionary and looks up Koala Bear and shows it to the prostitute.

It says, "Eats bush and leaves!"

Actually, IIRC Rubbie herself posted this one quite some time ago.

But let me add this one:

Q: What do blondes and airplanes have in common?

A: They both have black boxes.

Dickhead
05-03-03, 02:23
Well, it's late and the board is dead, so time for some limericks.

"Zealous young boys from Lahore
Buggered and fucked the same w hore.
But the partition split
And the guts and the shit
Fell out in great lumps on the floor."

"Thus spoke the old king from Siam,
For women I give not a damn.
But a fat bottomed boy
Is my pride and my joy;
they call me a bugger. I am."

"There was an old s lut from Azores
Whose c unt was so full of sores
That dogs in the street
Would eat the green meat
That hung in festoons from her drawers."

"There once was a man name McNameter
Whose dick had a quite small diameter.
T'weren't his stroke nor his bore
That the girls all adored,
But his rhythmn - iambic pentameter!"

CaribbeanGringo
05-23-03, 01:33
This guy walks into a bar with three ducks, sets them down on the bar, and heads to the bathroom. The bartender, accustomed to strange things, says to the 1st duck, "so whats your name?"

He's startled when the duck replies, "Huey."

Wow, this is great, a talking duck, he thinks.

"So, how was your day, Huey?"

"It was pretty good, thanks. I was in and out of puddles all day."

The bartender asks the second duck, "so what is your name, and how was your day?"

"Its Duey. My day was pretty good. I was in and out of puddles all day"

The bartender says to the third duck, "I suppose your name is "Lewy, then."

"No, its Puddles. Don't ask me how my day was!!"

Pavlohh
05-23-03, 04:46
A young Irish guy moves to Sydney and goes to a big department store looking for a job.

The manager asks, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid: "Yeah, I was a salesman back home."

Well, the manager liked the kid, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down. "How many sales did you make today?"

The kid says, "One."

The manager groans, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.


How much was the sale for?"

The kid says, "$101,237.64."

The manager exclaims, "$101,237.64? what did you sell him?"

The kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Pajero."

The manager says, "You mean a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?!"

The kid, "No no no, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, "Well, since your weekend's f*cked, you might as well go fishing."

Dickhead
05-26-03, 22:51
Now that's funny.

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a tall kitchen can liner?

A: One's white and dangerous to children and the other is a garbage bag.

Q: How do you circumsize a boy in Arkansas?

A: Punch his sister in the stomach.

GuessWho
05-27-03, 17:34
What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?

Full.

Gladiator
06-03-03, 15:24
1. What animal has a pussy halfway up its back?

A police horse.

2. What is the definition of a perfect woman?

She'd be 3 feet tall, with no teeth and a flat head to rest your beer on.

3. What is the definition of trust?

Two cannibals giving each other a BJ.

4. Why do hippos fuck under water?

Do you know how hard it is to keep a 100-kg pussy wet?

5. Have you heard about the new ultra-sensitive condom?

It hangs around after the man has left and talks to the woman.

6. What's the definition of eternity?

The time between when you come and when she leaves.

7. Why do women have foreheads?

So you have somewhere to kiss them after you've come in their mouth.

CaribbeanGringo
06-06-03, 23:05
Why do gay men use ribbed condoms?

To get traction in the mud.

Phil #1
06-10-03, 00:05
Kind of a cute one from the TV show Taxi -

Tony Danza who plays Tony in the show is telling the guys in the taxi company that he can't wait to call up a girl he made friends with in a Thailand massage parlor when he was in the military in the Vietnam era. She's still supposed to be working there in Bangkok and he said he's got the number. So he calls up the massage parlor in front of all the guys.

He gets an answer and he says back "It's the Rose Blossom Massage place?! Oh this is great, this is the right place! Do you know if Myrna is there? She's number 14."

He listens while the person on the other end is responding. Then Tony replies back "Oh, are you sure? ... ok, darn, thank you anyway."

He hangs up the phone and dejected he tells all the taxi workers, "She's not there, they told me after the war they only go up to number 9."

PhilT

Gladiator
06-12-03, 15:36
After a golf match Tiger Woods is driving his brand new Ferrari and decides to pick up a SW on the way home, for a quick BJ in the car.

After some reconnaissance he picks up a cute blonde, who knew nothing about golf and didn't recognize him.

SW: Wow! I love this car! I had never been in a Ferrari!

Tiger: Yeah, it's OK

As Tiger starts to unzip his jeans and prepare for the BJ, 2 tees fall out of his pocket.

SW: What the hell are those?

Tiger: They are tees

SW: Tees? And what on earth are they for?

Tiger: They are for resting my balls on when I'm driving

SW: Wow! Ferrari thinks of everything!

Warpig2000
06-20-03, 20:53
After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old codger decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked:
"How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."
He bought the 'picture',but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed,
"So that's the ugly b!tch he's runnin' around with."

DiabloMactavish
07-01-03, 16:30
I found a definition of a certain contributor to the forum.

10 points if you can figure out which forum member this characterization applies to:

http://www.winternet.com/~mikelr/flame80.html

;)

SuperTomcat001
07-08-03, 15:51
I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and
that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She
whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to vercome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

The moral of this story is:
always keep your condoms in your car.

Warpig2000
07-08-03, 20:20
Garble wouldn't be representative of our beloved South American coorespondant, Nibu Raphael, Would it ?


Don't need the points mr. Diablomactavish.
Just buy me cold beer :D

Dickhead
07-12-03, 16:00
Hickory dickory dock,
Some girl was sucking my cock.
At a quarter 'til two
I gave her the goo
And dropped her off down the block.

(Andrew Dice Clay)

Hysteromania
07-14-03, 21:40
Hmm, is Andrew Dice Clay your role model as a Dickhead! ;)

Can not post here pics except the link, so enjoy these cartoons from a Vegas escort!

http://www.cindyspice.com/cartoonindex.htm

raybones99
07-20-03, 19:24
Oh and Blowjob Etiquette - Female

1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.
4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.
5. My ears are NOT handles.
6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?
7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.
8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.
9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls - if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.
12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.
13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning."


Blowjob Etiquette - Male

1. First of all, yes you're obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will.
2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.
3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?
4. I will use your ears as I see fit. don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.
5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up!
6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. Trust me.
7. You ***** about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavor country.
8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.
9. Play with the balls.
10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.
11. Caress the ass, too. We like that!
12. Make hay when the sun shines. It's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old & fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep."
13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you

raybones99
07-20-03, 19:26
A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the afternoon with her for $500. They do their thing and before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but that he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:

Dear Madam:
Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that: (1) it had never been occupied; (2) that there was plenty of heat; (3) that is was small enough to make me cozy and at home. However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:

Dear Sir:
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the landlady. Send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.

raybones99
07-20-03, 19:33
HISTORY LESSON

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pepito, the son of Cuban-American refugees, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pepito, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." "Very good Pepito! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"? Again, no response except from Pepito: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Pepito, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do." She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Cubans." "Who said that?" she demanded. Pepito put his hand up. "J.F.K., during the Bay of Pigs invasion 1961." At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke." The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Pepito says, "George Bush Sr. to the Japans Prime Minister, 1991." Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Pepito jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!" Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you." Pepito frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001." The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble!, we better get the hell outta here!!" Pepito said, "Saddam Hussein 2003."

raybones99
07-20-03, 19:36
A little girl walks into her parents' bathroom and notices for the
first time her father's nakedness.

Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn't have. She asks, "What are those round things hanging there, daddy?"

Proudly, he replies, "Those, sweetheart, are the God's Apples of Life. Without them we wouldn't be here."

Puzzled, she seeks her mommy out and tells her what daddy has said. To whichmommy asks, "Did he say anything about the dead branch they're hanging from?"

Hysteromania
07-22-03, 00:35
Originally posted by raybones99
A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the afternoon with her for $500. They do their thing and before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but that he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:



This is better known as the Call Girl Principle- the value of the goods quickly diminishes immediately after the services have been performed. ;)

raybones99
07-23-03, 22:29
What Men Want

A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.


Oh, wait, you misread it...
please only read lines 1,3 and 5.

Nat Zass
07-25-03, 00:03
So this young, naive virgin of a guy decides to learn about sex. He approaches a street walker and asks her how much it would cost for 'some sex'.

"Ten bucks, if you know what 69 is", she replies.

"Sorry", he says, "but I'm kinda new at this."

"Well, give me ten bucks and I'll show you."

He gives her ten bucks, and they go back to her motel room. After stripping and getting into bed, they begin.

Just as he is finally thinking that 'this 69 stuff' is pretty good, she farts! He is overcome - his eyes water, he can't breathe, he chokes a bit, and finally the air clears up and he starts up again.

Justs as he is finally getting back to his prior aroused state, she farts again! Badly! He rolls off the bed, coughing and choking; his eyes are dripping, he can't breathe. Finally, he just gets up, looks at her, and manages to say,

"Sorry, but I just can't take 67 more of these!"

Dickhead
07-27-03, 21:36
An accountant gets home late one night and his wife says, "Where the hell have you been?"

He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my penis," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in
disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill on his penis?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow," he began. "Two, once in a while, I like to play with my money... Three, I like how money feels in my hand...And lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!

Nat Zass
07-30-03, 22:15
Borrowed from Sunshine, an escort in Maryland.

THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A NAKED MASN.

1. I've smoked fatter j**nts than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion? 49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it?

Paddy
08-01-03, 23:19
There was a father bull and his son on top of a grassy knoll and below them was a herd of Guernsey cows.

The young bull said to his father, "Hey dad, let's run down the hill and fuck one of those cows!" The father bull looked at him, chuckled, and said, "No, we'll WALK down the hill and fuck ALL of them."

raybones99
08-03-03, 02:40
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his
own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with
the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too."

raybones99
08-03-03, 02:41
A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this bringss a moan. From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead.

The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies: "She choked."

raybones99
08-03-03, 02:42
A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says: "7foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown" The small white guy faints!! The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy. "What's wrong?". The small white guy says; "Excuse me but what did you say?". The big black dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown." The small white guy says, "Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around. '"

raybones99
08-03-03, 02:44
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied,"My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!!

Member #2397
08-08-03, 04:30
The Sexual Dictionary

Which category/ies do you fit in......

A
• ACAROPHILIA: Affinity for itching
• ACHLUOPHILIA: Love of darkness
• ACMEGENESIS: Orgasm
• ACOMOCLITIC: Preference for hairless genitals
• ACOUSTICOPHILIA: Arousal from sounds
• ACROPHILIA: Arousal from heights or high altitudes
• ACROTOMOPHILIA: Arousal from amputees
• ACTIRASTY: To become aroused from exposure to sun's rays
• ACUCULLOPHALIA: Circumcision
• ACYESIS: Female sterility
• ADAMITISM: Going naked for God
• ADOLESCENTILISM: Cross-dressing or playing the role of an adolescent
• AELUROPHILIA: Deriving gratification from cats
• AGALMATOPHILIA: Attractions to statues or mannequins
• AGAMIC: Asexual; parthenogenic
• AGENOBIOSIS: Married couple who consent to live together without sex
• AGONOPHILIA: Person who is aroused by a partner pretending to struggle
• AGORAPHILIA: Arousal from open spaces or having sex in public places
• AGREXOPHILIA: Arousal from others knowing you are having sex
• AICHMOPHILIA: Love of needles and other pointed objects
• AISCHROLATREIA: Worship of filth, smut; obscenity cult
• ALBUTOPHILIA: Arousal from water
• ALGOLAGNIA: Sexual satisfaction resulting from giving or receiving pain; sadism or masochism
• ALIPHINEUR: Person using lotion to arouse a partner
• ALLOERASTY: Use of nudity of another person to arouse a partner
• ALLOPELLIA: Having orgasm from watching others engaging in sex
• ALLORGASMIA: Arousal from fantasizing about someone other than one's partner
• ALLOTRIORASTY: Arousal from partners of other nations or races
• ALPHAMEGAMIA: Attraction to partners of another age group
• ALTOCALCIPHILIA: High heel fetish
• ALVINOLAGNIA: Stomach fetish
• AMATRIPSIS: Masturbation by rubbing labia together
• AMAUROPHILIA: Preference for a blind or blindfolded sex partner
• AMAXOPHILIA: Attraction to riding in cars and motor vehicles
• AMBISEXTROUS: Pertaining to a bisexual person
• AMELOTASIS: Attraction to absence of limb
• AMOKOSCISIA: Arousal or sexual frenzy with desire to slash or mutilate women
• AMOMAXIA: Sex in a parked car
• AMPHIEROTISM: Capacity of erotic reaction toward either sex
• AMPHIGENTIC INVERT: An individual who regularly engages in sexual activity with persons of both genders
• AMPHISEXUAL: Bisexual
• AMULIEROSIS: Result of sexual privacy
• AMYCHESIS: Act of scratching partner during sexual passion
• AMYCHOPHILIA: Deriving sexual pleasure from being scratched
• ANACLITISM: Arousal from items used as infant
• ANACREONTIC: Erotic
• ANALINCTUS: Licking the anus
• ANALINGUS: Rimming or penetration of anus with tongue
• ANASTEEMAPHILIA: Attraction to a person because of a difference in height
• ANAXIPHILIA: Act of falling in love with a loser by someone who should know better
• ANDROGYNY: Having both male and female characteristics
• ANDROGYNOPHILIA: Bisexual
• ANDROIDISM: Arousal from robots with human features
• ANDROMANIA: Nymphomania
• ANDROMINETOPHILIA: Arousal from female partner who dresses like male
• ANDROSODOMY: Anal sex with a male partner
• ANILILAGNIA: Sexual desire for older women
• ANISONOGAMIST: Attraction to either older or younger partners
• ANOCRATISM: Anal sex
• ANOMEATIA: Anal sex with a female partner
• ANOPHELORASTIA: Arousal from defiling or ravaging a partner
• ANOPHILEMIA: Kissing anus
• ANORAPTUS: Rapist who only attacks elderly women
• ANTHOLAGNIA: Arousal from smelling flowers
• ANTHROPOPHAGOLAGNIA: Rape with cannibalism
• ANTHROPOPHAGY: Pleasure derived from the ingestion of human flesh
• ANTIPUDIC: Covering one’s genitals
• ANTIOPHILIA: Fondness for floods
• APELLOUS: Circumcision
• APHALLATIA: Celibacy
• APHEPHILIA: Deriving pleasure from being touched
• APHILOPHRENIA: A feeling that one is unloved or unwanted
• APISTIA: Adultery
• APODYSOPHILIA: Feverish desire to undress
• APOTEMNOPHILIA: Person who has sexual fantasies about losing a limb
• ARACHNEPHILIA: Attraction to spiders
• ARPAGEE: A raped woman
• ARRHENOTHIGMOPHILOUS: Nymphomania
• ARSOMETRY: Anal sex
• ASCETICISM: Religious self-denial often including celibacy
• ASPHYXIAPHILIA: Arousal from lack of oxygen
• ASTHENOLAGNIA: Arousal from weakness or being humiliated
• ASTYPHIA: Impotence
• ASYNODIA: Celibacy particularly due to impotence
• AULOPHILIA: Love of flutes
• AUTAGONISTOPHILIA: Exhibitionism; arousal from exposing naked body or genitals to strangers while on stage or while being photographed
• AUTASSASSINOPHILIA: Arousal from orchestrating one's own death by the hands of another
• AUTOEROTIC ASPHYXIA: Arousal from oxygen deprivation and sometimes risk of dying
• AUTOGYNEPHILIA: Arousal from crossdressing
• AUTOMASOCHISM: Arousal from inflicting intense sensations of pain on one's own body
• AUTONEPIOPHILIA: Sexual attraction from dressing or being treated like an infant
• AUTOPEDERASTY: The insertion of one's own penis into their anus
• AVERING: A boy’s begging in the nude to arouse sympathy
• AVISODOMY: Breaking the neck of a bird while penetrating it for sex
• AXILLISM: The use of the armpit for sex
B
• BATHYCOLPIAN: Possessing a large bosom
• BATRACHOPHILIA: Attraction to frogs
• BELONEPHILIA: Arousal from pins or needles
• BIASTOPHILIA: Pleasure from forcible rape of a terrified stranger
• BLISSOM: To copulate with an ewe
• BOLLOCKS: Testicles
• BOTULINONIA: Sex with a sausage
• BROMIDROPHILIA: Arousal from bodily smells
• BRONTOPHILIA: Love of thunderstorms
C
• CALLIPYGIAN: Having shapely buttocks
• CANOPHILIA: Turned on by dogs
• CAPNOLAGNIA: Arousal from watching others smoke
• CAPONIZE: To castrate a chicken
• CATAGELOPHILIA: Love of being ridiculed
• CATAMENIA: Menstruation
• CATAMITE: A boy used in homosexual relations
• CHASMOPHILIA: Attraction to nooks, crannies, crevices, and chasms
• CHEIMAPHILIA: Deriving pleasure from cold or winter
• CHIONOPHILIA: Love of snow
• CHREMATISTOPHILIA: Arousal from being charged for sex or robbed
• CHRYSOPHILIA: Arousal from gold or golden objects
• CLAUSTROPHILIA: Love of being confined in small places
• CLIMACOPHILIA: Deriving pleasure by falling down stairs
• COMMASCULATION: Homosexuality between men
• CONCUPISCENCE: Excessive sexual desire
• CONTRECTATION: The love play preceding sexual intercourse
• CONVERTITE: A reformed prostitute
• COPROLOGY: The study of pornography
• COPROPHEMIA: Obscene language
• COPROPHILIA: A fancier of feces
• CRATOLAGNIA: Arousal from strength
• CRUROPHILIA: Sexual arousal from legs
• CYPRIAN: Lecherous
• CYPRIDOPHOBIA: Fear of getting venereal disease
• CYPRIPAREUNIA: Sexual intercourse with a prostitute
D
• DACRYPHILIA: Arousal from seeing tears in the eyes of a partner
• DASYPYGAL: Having hairy buttocks
• DENDROPHILIA: Attraction to trees
• DEOSCULATE: To kiss affectionately
• DEPUSCELATE: To lose one’s virginity
• DIGENESIS: Alternately sexual and asexual reproduction
• DIGENOUS: Bisexual
• DIOESTRUM: The time when a female animal is not in heat
• DORAPHILIA: Love of animal skins
• DOWCET: A deer’s testicle
• DYSTYCHIPHILIA: Deriving pleasure from accidents
E
• ECDEMOLAGNIA: Arousal from traveling or being away from home
• ECDYSIAST: A stripper
• EDEA: The external genitals
• ELUMBATED: Weak in the loins
• EMETOPHILIA: Arousal from vomit or vomiting
• EMMENOLOGY: The study of menstruation
• ENCEINTE: Pregnant
• ENCRATY: Abstinence
• EONISM: Transvestitism
• EPHEBOPHILIA: Compelling need for an older person to seek adolescent partners for sexual gratification
• EPICENE: Pertaining to both sexes
• EPIGAMIC: Tending to attract the opposite sex during mating season
• EPISTEMOPHILIA: Abnormal preoccupation with acquiring knowledge (This best describes me)
• EREMOPHILIA: Maniacal desire to be left alone
• ERGOPHILIA: Love of work and labor
• EROTOPHOBIA: Fear of sexual love
• EROTOPHONPHILIA: Attaining sexual satisfaction from murdering complete strangers
• ERYTHROPHILIA: Becoming aroused by blushing
• EUNUCHATE: To make a eunuch
• EVIRATION: Emasculation, castration
F
• FAM: To grope a woman
• FEMORAL COITUS: Penis-thigh sex
• FESCENNINE: Vulgar
• FISSIPARISM: Reproduction by fissioning
• FORMICOPHILIA: Enjoyment of the use of insects for sexual purposes
• FRICATRICE: A *****
• FROTTEUR: A person aroused by brushing up against clothed people in public places
• FURTLING: The use of fingers underneath cut-outs in genital areas of photos for arousal
G
• GAMIC: Sexual
• GAMOPHOBIA: Fear of marriage
• GENICON: A sexual partner imagined by one who is dissatisfied with her actual partner
• GENOPHOBIA: Fear of sex
• GERONOSEXUALITY: An attraction where the object of desire is 30 years older or more
• GERONTOPHILIA: Arousal from an older partner
• GODEMICHE: A dildo
• GOMPHIPOTHIC: Arousal by the sight of teeth
• GRAPHOLAGNIA: Maniacal interest in obscene pictures
• GRIVOISERIE: Lewd and lascivious behavior
• GUNZEL: A passive, orally oriented, male homosexual
• GYMNOPHOBIA: Fear of nudity
• GYNANDER: A female pseudo-hermaphrodite
• GYNANDRY: Hermaphroditism
• GYNOPHOBIA: Fear of women
• GYNOTIKOLOBOMASSOPHILIA: Deriving sexual pleasure by nibbling on a woman’s earlobe
H
• HAMARTOPHILIA: Love of committing sinful acts
• HAPTEPHILIA: Arousal by being touched
• HARPAXOPHILIA: Getting pleasure by robbery or being robbed
• HEAUTONTIMORUMENOS: Masochist
• HEBETIC: Happening at puberty
• HEDONOPHOBIA: Fear of pleasure
• HEMATOLAGNIA: Sexual stimulation from blood
• HEMIPENIS: One of the paired sex organs of many reptiles
• HETAERISM: Extramarital sex; communal marriage
• HOMILOPHILIA: Arousal from hearing or giving sermons
• HYMENORRHEXIS: Defloration of the hymen
• HYPNOPHILIA: Turned on by the thought of sleeping
I
• ICOLAGNIA: Arousal from contemplation of, or contact with sculptures or pictures
• INCUBUS: A male demon who has intercourse with a woman while she is sleeping
• INFANTILISM: Attraction to childhood items
• IPSISM: Masturbation
• IRRUMATION: Fellatio
• ISOPHILIC: Relating to same gender affection sans sex
• ITHYPHALLIC: Pertaining to the phallus carried in Bacchanalian festivals; lewd
J
• JOCKER: A male homosexual
K
• KAINOTOPHILIA: Getting pleasure from change
• KAKORRHAPHIOPHILIA: Arousal from failure
• KALOPSIA: Condition where things appear more beautiful than they really are (e.g. when you’re drunk)
• KENOPHILIA: Attraction to empty or open spaces
• KERAUNOPHILIA: Turned on by thunder and lightning
• KINESOPHILIA: Arousal from movement and exercise
• KLISMAPHILIA: Sexual pleasure from enemas
• KNISSOPHILIA: Attraction to incense-burning
• KOPOPHILIA: Arousal from physical or mental exhaustion
L
• LAGNOSIS: Satyriasis
• LALIOPHILIA: Arousal from public speaking
• LALOCHEZIA: Talking dirty to relieve tension
• LAPAROHYSTEROSALPINGOOOPHORECTOMY: Surgical removal of the female reproductive organs
• LEMAN: A mistress or lover
• LENOCINANT: Lewd
• LIGYROPHILIA: Turned on by loud noises
• LILAPSOPHILIA: Arousal from tornadoes
• LOBCOCK: A large, relaxed penis
• LITHOPHILIA: Attraction to stones, gravel, or mud
• LOVERTINE: Addicted to love-making
• LUPANARIAN: Lubricious, lascivious, lewd
• LYGOPHILIA: Love of darkness
• LYSSOPHILIA: Sexual arousal from becoming angry or upset
M
• MACHLAENOMANIA: Masochism in women
• MACROMASTIC: Pertaining to large breasts
• MACROPHILIA: Attraction to giants or giant creatures
• MAIESIOPHILIA: Arousal from childbirth or pregnant women
• MAMMILLATED: Having nipples
• MANIAPHILIA: Attraction to insane people
• MANUSTUPRATION: Masturbation
• MASTIGOPHILIA: Sexual gratification from punishment or being whipped; masochism
• MATUTOLAGNIA: Antemerdian sexual desire
• MAZOPHILIA: Compulsion for breasts
• MECHANOPHILIA: Turned on by machines
• MEGALOPHILIA: Arousal from large objects (not necessarily fat)
• MELISSOPHILIA: Attraction to bees
• MENACME: The menstruating part of a woman’s life
• MENOPHANIA: The onset of menstruation; false menstruation
• MENTULATE: Possessing a large penis; well-hung
• MERKIN: A pubic hair wig
• METOPOPHILIA: Turned on by a person’s face
• METROPHILIA: Arousal from poetry
• MISAPODYSIS: Hatred of undressing in front of someone
• MISEROTIA: Aversion to sex
• MIXOSCOPIA: Orgasm achieved by watching one’s beloved have sex with someone else; voyeurism
• MOLYSMOPHILIA: Attraction to dirt, filth, or contamination (see MYSOPHILIA)
• MONOECIOUS: Hermaphroditic
• MONORCHID: Having one testicle
• MULIEBRITY: Assumption of female characteristics by a male
• MULTIGRAVIDA: A woman who has been pregnant more than once
• MUSOPHILIA: Attraction to mice
• MYSOPHILIA: Love of dirt or becoming dirty
N
• NANOPHILIA: Sexual attraction to a short partner
• NARRATOPHILIA: Arousal from erotic conversations
• NASOPHILIA: Arousal from the sight, touch, licking, or sucking of a partner's nose.
• NEANILAGNIA: A yen for nymphets
• NEBULOPHILIA: Arousal from fog
• NECROPHILIA: Sexual gratification only by having sex with the dead
• NEMOPHILIA: Love of forests
• NEOLAGNIUM: Puberty
• NEOPHILIA: Arousal from anything new
• NOSOPHILIA: Love of becoming ill
• NOTHOSONOMIA: Calling someone a bastard
• NOVERCAMANIA: Sexual attraction to one’s stepmother
• NYCTOPHILIA: Love of night
• NYMPHOLEPSY: Trance incurred by erotic daydreams
O
• OBSOLAGNIUM: Waning sexual desire due to age
• OCHLOPHILIA: Attraction to crowds
• OCNOPHILE: Someone chronically dependent on their lover
• OCULOLINCTUS: The act of licking a partner's eyeball
• ODYNOPHILIA: Deriving pleasure from pain; masochism
• OIKOPHILIA: Attraction to one’s home
• OLFACTOPHILIA: Sexual gratification from smells
• OMBROPHILIA: Turned on by rain or being rained upon
• ONANISM: Masturbation
• OPHELIMITY: The ability to please sexually
• OPHIDIOPHILIA: Arousal from snakes
• ORNITHOPHILIA: Love of birds
• OSMOLAGNIA: Arousal caused by bodily odors, such as sweat or menses
• OSPHRESIOPHILIA: An inordinate love of smells
• OZOLAGNIA: Arousal from odors
P
• PANTOPHILIA: Arousal from just about everything imaginable
• PAPHIAN: Erotic; pertaining to illicit love
• PAPILLA: A nipple
• PARACOITA: A female sexual partner
• PARACOITUS: A male sexual partner
• PAREUNIA: Sexual intercourse
• PARTHENOLATRY: Virgin worship
• PARTHENOPHILIA: Attraction only to virgins
• PECCATOPHILIA: Arousal from sinning or having committed an imaginary crime
• PEDIOPHILIA: Attraction to dolls
• PEDOPHILIA: Sexual attraction to children
• PENIAPHILIA: Erotic fascination with poverty
• PENTHERAPHILIA: Sexual attraction to one’s mother-in-law
• PEODEIKTOPHILIA: Sexual arousal from exhibitionism
• PEOTOMY: Surgical amputation of the penis
• PESSARY: A vaginal suppository
• PHALLATION: Movement of the penis in sexual intercourse
• PHILOPHOBIA: Fear of falling in love or of being loved
• PHILOPORNIST: A lover of prostitutes
• PHRONEMOPHILIA: Turned on by the act of thinking
• PHTHIRIOPHILIA: Attraction to lice
• PHYGEPHILIA: Arousal from being a fugitive
• PICTOPHILIA: Arousal only from looking at erotic pictures
• PIZZLE: A whip made of an animal’s penis
• PLACOPHILIA: Arousal from tombstones
• PLANISTETHIC: Flat-chested
• PLUVIOPHILIA: Sexual stimulation from rain or being rained upon
• PNIGOPHILIA: Aroused from people choking
• POINEPHILIA: Turned on by punishment; masochism
• PONOPHILIA: Attraction to overwork
• PORNERASTIC: Licentious, lewd, and horny
• PORNOCRACY: A government by prostitutes
• PORNOLAGNIA: Desire for prostitutes
• POTAMOPHILIA: Arousal from streams and rivers
• PREMENACMIUM: Life before menstruation begins
• PRESBYTOREAN: An erotic poem
• PRIAPISM: Persistent and painful erection, usually the result of a disease
• PRONOVALENCE: Ability to have sexual intercourse in a prone position only
• PSELLISMOPHILIA: Becoming aroused by stuttering
• PTERIDOMANIA: An intense desire for ferns
• PTERONOPHILIA: Sexual gratification from being tickled by feathers
• PUCELAGE: Virginity
• PUNQUETTO: A prostitute
• PUTANISM: Prostitution
• PYGMALIIONISM: Falling in love with one’s creation (a la "My Fair Lady")
• PYGOPHILIA: Aroused from buttocks
• PYROLAGNIA: Sexual stimulation from watching fires
Q
• QUADOSHKA: American Indian form of tantric sex
• QUEENING: Sitting on the side of a person's face as a form of bondage
• QUIM: The vagina
R
• RAMMISH: Lustful and horny
• RANTALLION: One whose scrotum is longer than his penis
• RENIFLEUR: One who gets sexual pleasure from body smells
• RÉTIFISM: Foot and shoe fetishism, including using the shoe for masturbation
• RETROCOPULATION: Fornicating from behind ("Doggie position")
• RHABDOPHILIA: Finding pleasure in being severely criticized
• RHYTIPHILIA: Arousal from facial wrinkles
• RUTTISH: Horny; in heat
S
• SACOFRICOSIS: The practice of cutting a hole in the bottom of a front pant pocket in order to masturbate in public with less risk of detection
• SAPPHISM: Lesbianism
• SCELEROPHILIA: Attraction to bad guys or unsavory characters
• SCOPTOPHILIA: Voyeurism
• SCOTOPHILIA: Turned on by darkness
• SDRUCCIOLA: Copulate
• SEPTOPHILIA: Sexual attraction to decaying matter
• SIDERODROMOPHILIA: Arousal from riding in trains
• SITOPHILIA: Deriving pleasure from eating
• SOCERAPHILIA: Excitement from one’s parents-in-law
• SOPHOPHILIA: Sexual gratification from learning
• SOROPHILIA: Attraction to one’s sister
• SPADONISM: Eunuchry
• SPECTROPHILIA: Arousal from looking at oneself in a mirror
• SPERMATOPHOBIA: Fear of semen
• SPINTRY: A male *****
• STASIVALENCE: Ability to have sexual intercourse only while standing
• STAUROPHILIA: Arousal from the cross or crucifix
• STHENOLAGNIA: Arousal from displaying strength or muscles
• STUPRATION: Rape
• STYGIOPHILIA: Deriving pleasure from thoughts of hell
• SUBAGITATION: Copulation
• SUCCUBUS: A female demon who seduces men in their sleep
• SUPINOVALENT: Able to fornicate only while lying on the back
• SYMPHOROPHILIA: Arousal by accidents or catastrophes
• SYNGENESOPHILIA: Sexual attraction to one’s relatives
T
• TAPHEPHILIA: Arousal from being buried alive
• TAPHOPHILIA: Love of funerals
• TELEOPHILIA: Affinity for religious ceremonies
• TENTIGINOUS: Lascivious
• TERATOPHILIA: Arousal from deformed or monstrous people
• THALASSOPHILIA: Love of the sea
• THASSOPHILIA: Attraction to sitting
• THREPTEROPHILIA: A fondness for female nurses
• THYGATRILAGNIA: A father’s sexual love for his daughter
• TIMOPHILIA: Arousal from gold or wealth
• TOCOPHILIA: Fondness for pregnancy and childbirth
• TONITROPHILIA: Love of thunder
• TOXIPHILIA: Attraction to poisons
• TOXOPHILIA: Love of archery
• TRAGALISM: Lust; lechery; obscenity
• TRANSFEMINATE: To change from woman to man
• TRAUMATOPHILIA: An unconscious desire to be injured
• TRIBADISM: Mutual genital-fondling between lesbians
• TRICHOPATHOPHILIA: Sexual attraction to hair
• TRIPSOLAGNIA: Arousal from having hair shampooed
U
• UNDINISM: The association of water with erotic thoughts
• URANISM: Homosexuality
• URANOPHILIA: Sexual arousal by heavenly thoughts
• UROLAGNIA: Sexual pleasure from urinating
• URTICATION: The use of nettles to create extra sensation
• UXORAVALENT: Only able to attain sex extramaritally (applied to men)
• UXOROVALENT: Able to score only with one’s wife
V
• VACCINOPHILIA: Turned on by becoming vaccinated
• VAMPIRISM: Consuming blood of a partner for arousal
• VICARPHILIA: Arousal from other people's exciting experiences
• VINCILAGNIA: Arousal from bondage
• VIRAGINITY: Masculinity in a woman
• VIRGIN: You really need to ask?
• VIRIMIMISM: Adoption of masculinity
• VIRIPOTENT: Sexually mature
• VITRICOPHILIA: Sexual attraction to one’s stepfather
W
• WETHER: A castrated ram
• WHELP: To bear offspring
• WHIRLYGIGS: Testicles
• WITTOL: A husband who tolerates his wife’s infidelity
X
• XENODYNAMIC: Person who is only potent with strangers
• XENOPHILIA: An attraction to foreign customs, traditions, and foreigners
• XERONISUS: Inability to reach orgasm
• XYLOPHILIA: Turned on by wooden objects
Y
• YELD: Not old enough to procreate
• YLOPHILIA: Affinity for forests
• YONI WORSHIP: Worship of the female genitals
Z
• ZELOPHILIA: Sexual arousal from jealousy
• ZOOERASTIA: Sexual intercourse with an animal
• ZOOPHILIA: One who is strongly attracted to animals in a spiritual, sexual, or emotional sense
• ZWISCHENSTUFE: Arousal from a person of the same sex

Member #2397
08-08-03, 04:33
FAMOUS SEXUAL QUOTES

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome
things that money can buy."
(Tom Clancy)

"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
(Steve Martin)

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner,
you'd better have a good hand."
(Woody Allen)

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
(Rodney Dangerfield)

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL."
(Lynn Lavner)

"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the
taxidermist."
(Matt Barry)

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
(Camille Paglia)

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are
unimportant."
(George Burns)

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole
relationships."
(Sharon Stone)

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex ~ no matter what she's reading."
(Steve Jobs - Founder, Apple Computers)

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it; so I said "Thyroid problem?'"
(Arnold Schwarzenegger)

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men.
Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
(Tiger Woods)

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-*****."
(Jack Nicholson)

Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
(Barbara Bush - Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humour!)

"Ah, yes, Divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's
genitals through his wallet."
(Robin Williams)

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
(Roseanne)

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
(Billy Crystal)

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other
women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
(Robert De Niro)

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
(Dustin Hoffman)

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I
know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked.'"
(Jerry Seinfeld)

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't
like and just give her a house."
(Rod Stewart)

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
(Robin Williams)

Member #2397
08-08-03, 04:35
BEDROOM GOLF


1. Each player should furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.

2. Play on the course should always be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft stiffness before play.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to the well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or is currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage player’s equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection

10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume that a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.

12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole.

13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine

14. Slow play is encouraged. However players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily at the course owner’s request.

15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole.

Clomonger
08-13-03, 19:45
Two guys are moving about in a supermarket when their carts collide.

One says to the other, "Excuse me, but I'm looking for my wife."

"What a coincidence, so am I, and I'm getting a little desperate."

"Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?"

"She's tall, with dark hair, long legs, firm tits, and a tight ass.
What's your wife look like?"

"Never mind, let's look for yours!"

Nat Zass
08-22-03, 21:12
Subject: Hell

Actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term:

"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Support your answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
(gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or
some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.
So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the
rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a
soul gets toHell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state
that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not
belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all
souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect
the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at
the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that
in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the
volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

(1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which
souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will
increase until all Hell breaks loose.

(2) Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase
of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell
freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese
Banyan during my Freshman year,"That it will be a cold night in Hell
before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still
have not succeeded in that area, then (2) cannot be true, and so Hell is
exothermic.

The student got the only A.

Nat Zass
08-22-03, 21:14
The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal.

The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin.

After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear."

Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle."
He was right.

They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk.

He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again.

Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep.

The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner.

He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?"

His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put
your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced,


"Skunk, killed with an axe."

Nat Zass
08-22-03, 21:16
This is a funny (and true) story about Neil Armstrong:

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not
only gave his famous "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind"
statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him,
the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the
lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival
Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the
Russian or American space programs.

Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck
Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

Just a few years ago, (on July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL) while answering
questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question
to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died
and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard.
His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbor's
bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to
pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky.

"Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door
walks on the moon!"

NOTE: This is a confirmed true story.

CaribbeanGringo
08-25-03, 23:18
A scientific study of the penis

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the
head on a mans' penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and
cost over $1.2 million. The study concluded that the reason the head of a
man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more
pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own
study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the
British study was incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in
excess of $2 million, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's
penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure
during sex.

When the results of the French study were released, Australia decided
to conduct their own study. The Aussies didn’t really trust British or
French studies. So, after nearly three hours of intensive research and a cost
of right around $75.00 (3 cases of beer), the Aussie study was complete.
They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the
shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the
forehead!
************
TOP 10 REASONS TO GO TO WORK NAKED:


10. No one ever steals your chair.

9. Gives 'bad hair day' a whole new meaning.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they see where you keep them.

6. So that -- with a little help from Muzak -- you can add 'Exotic Dancer' to
your exaggerated resume.

5. You want to see if it's like the dream.

4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

3. Gets you out of paying for lunch: "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet
in my pants".

2. Inventive way to finally meet that special person in the shipping department.

1. Your boss will stop yelling "I wanna see your ass in here by 9 o'clock!".

DiabloMactavish
08-25-03, 23:26
Originally posted by Nat Zass

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon....

NOTE: This is a confirmed true story.

It's funny, but it is a confirmed urban legend (http://www.snopes.com/quotes/mrgorsky.htm)

Lazzaro
08-28-03, 05:34
A teacher asks her class, “If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?” She calls on little Johnny.

He replies, “None, they will all fly away with the first gun shot.”

The teacher replies, “The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.”

Then little Johnny says “I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?”

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, “Well, I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.”

To which Little Johnny replied, “The correct answer is ‘the one with the wedding ring on’, but I like your thinking.”

Warpig2000
08-29-03, 01:26
A Sweet Ass Story

It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar.

I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, “Hey Sweetheart, how'd you like to Crunch on my big hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?”

Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was like pure Almond Joy!

I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots.

It was all I could do to hold the Snickers and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream “Oh Henry, Oh Henry!”

Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn't be long before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her a taste of the old Milky Way.

She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said, “Hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff.” I said, “Look you little Reese's Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't you take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit 'O' Honey?”

(What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was, too!)

She screamed, “Oh Crackerjack, better than the Three Musketeers!” as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup.

Well, I was giving it to her Good 'N' Plenty, when all the sudden... my Starburst!

Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach.

Sure enough, nine months later, out popped? Baby Ruth!

Anonymous
08-30-03, 12:53
Leave it to Robin Williams to come up with the perfect plan. What we need now is for our UN Ambassador to stand up and repeat this message.

Robin Williams' plan...(Hard to argue with this logic!)

I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan for peace. So, here's one plan

1. The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs, past & present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Tojo, Noriega, Milosovich and the rest of those 'good ole boys.' We will never "interfere" again.

2. We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany, South Korea and the Philippines. They don't want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No one sneaking through holes in the fence.

3. All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave. We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of who or where they are. France would welcome them.

4. All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit. No one from a terrorist nation would be allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide here. Asylum would never be available to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.

5. No "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a "D" and it's back home baby.

6. The US will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing non-polluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while.

7. Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we go some place else. They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.)

8. If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not "interfere." They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides most of what we give them is stolen or given to the army. The people who need it most get very little, if anything.

9. Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island some place. We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.

10. All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer.

The Language we speak is ENGLISH.....learn it...or LEAVE...

Now, ain't that a winner of a plan.

"The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.'

She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'You want a piece of me?'" -

If you agree with the above forward it to friends.

Joe Zop
08-31-03, 11:52
Yeah, it's cute, but this is another urban legend -- only the last bit about the Statue of Liberty is actually from Robin Williams (which figures, as it's the most inventive and over-the-top.) Given the fact that Williams is a liberal whose political views have generally angered conservatives, the whole rant pretty clearly isn't from him.

khun
09-14-03, 03:09
Fanatastic plan "by E mail"

when this is going to be proposed in UN.

This will give a real peace in the world.

Sure !!!

Admin
09-18-03, 11:47
A plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here!"

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the copilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat. The copilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here!"

The copilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason. The pilot says "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear. She says "Oh, I'm sorry." Then she gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section.

The flight attendant and copilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. The pilot smiled and said: "I told her First Class isn't going to Houston."

This was contributed by my mother.

Jackson

Havanaman
09-19-03, 17:42
Jackson, Your mother has an excellent sense of humour!

Gentlemen, forgive me if you have heard this one: it was emailed to me by one of my students (bright boy, he will go far!).

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN...

· Wine her,
· Dine her,
· Call her,
· Hug her,
· Support her,
· Hold her,
· Surprise her,
· Compliment her,
· Smile at her,
· Listen to her,
· Laugh with her,
· Cry with her,
· Romance her,
· Believe in her,
· Cuddle her,
· Shop with her,
· Give her Jewellery,
· Bring her flowers,
· Hold her hand,
· Write love letters to her,
· Go to the end of the earth and back again for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN....

· Show up naked,
· Bring Food.

Regards, Havanaman

Dickhead
09-20-03, 20:50
You heard about the blonde who read that 75% of all accidents occur within half a mile of home?

She moved.

Nat Zass
09-30-03, 21:43
The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal.

The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin.

After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was
right.

They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again.

Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep.

The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?"

His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put
your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced,

"Skunk, killed with an axe."

Nat Zass
09-30-03, 22:00
Folks, sorry about the last one, as it turned out to be a repeat. This should make up for it.

A man with a glass eye had removed it to clean it, and was attempting to reinsert the eye when he sneezed, and accidentally dropped the eye into his mouth. Reflexively, he swallowed it.

Worried about the chance of poisoning himself or causing a blockage, he called his doctor. His doc (after reassuring him that a glass eye wasn't poisonous, immediately referred him to a proctologist. He called the referred doc to set up an appointment the next day.

The next morning he went to the proctologist's office. After filling out the standard 20 pages of history, insurance info, etc., a young nurse led him into an examination room and told him to strip; the doctor would be in shortly.

He did as instructed, and a minute the busy doctor rushed in. Without reviewing the chart, he immediately told the patient to bend over for the exam. Then the doctor looked upo his rectum, stated, "OH MY GOD!", and fainted.

The nurse ran in and attempted to revive the doc. After waking up, the doc said, "You know, I've been looking up these things for 25 years. This is the first timne one ever looked back at me!".

SuperTomcat001
10-08-03, 00:05
A Police officer had stopped a car and asked the man driving for his license. "I don't have it with me," he said. About that time, the man's wife in the passenger's seat said, "No, honey, it's right here in the glove compartment." The man just glared at her.

Then the officer noted he had run a stop sign at the previous street. "No, I didn't. I just had to swerve out of the way of another car to keep from getting hit." The wife then said, "No, Honey, you ran that stop sign just like the officer said." The man glared a bit harder at her.

Finally, the officer said he clocked the car going 57 in a 45 MPH zone. " I am sure I was not speediing, I had the cruise control set on 45," replied the man. "No Honey, you were speeding. You were going nearly 60 miles an hour." Not able to contain himself any longer, the man looked at his wife and said, "Will you PLEASE shut up, you dumb broad!"

Now, the officer looks into the window at the woman and says, "Ma'am, does he talk to you like that all the time?" "No, only when he has been drinking!"

Just_Shat
10-08-03, 11:21
A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular check-up. "Any specific problems you should tell me about?" the doctor asked. "Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to bleed for hours," she replied. "Do you think I might be a hemophiliac?"

"Well," the doctor answered, "Hemophilia is a genetic disorder and it is more often found in men, but it is possible for a woman to be a hemophiliac. Tell me, how much do you lose when you have your period?" the doctor inquired.

After calculating for a moment the hooker replied, "Oh, about seven or eight hundred dollars, I guess!"

Just_Shat
10-08-03, 11:23
A young couple went to a nude beach on a sunny day. They got rid of all their clothes and lay down.

Suddenly a bee flew into the woman's vagina, and as you all might guess it wasn't very pleasant!

So,they rushed to the nearest hospital where the local Doc tries to solve the problem. He suggested putting honey on the young man's penis and see if he could tempt the bee out.

But the young man didn't like the idea very much, so the Doc volunteered to do it in his place. The Doc had been trying to get the bee out for 5 min, amid much puffing and panting when the young man asked, "Why's it taking so long, Doc?"

The Doc replied "I've changed my mind! I've decided to drown the bugger instead!"

SuperTomcat001
11-01-03, 13:28
Two whales spot Japanese Whaler.
First whale: That's the bastard who killed my folks -- lets drown them!
Second Whale: "If they killed your folks let's do it!"
First: "We'll dive down then surface and blow the ship over with our blow-holes".
This they did but the sailors were still alive swimming for it.
First: "Shit! We'll have to swim up to them with our mouths open and swallow them all down!"
Second: "No way! I don't mind the blow-job but I'm not swallowing the seamen!"

Havanaman
11-02-03, 08:23
ZIPLOCK BAGS: - Male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

SHOES: - Male, because they are usually unpolished, with the tongue hanging out.

COPIER: - Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up.

TYRE: - Male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON: - Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES: - Female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

SUBWAY: - Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS: - Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER: - Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 10,000 years,
but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL: - Female! .... Ha! ( Did you think it'd be male?). It gives men pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

CaribbeanGringo
11-09-03, 01:04
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he
turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside
him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite
startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, f your heart is as soft
as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis
is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."


A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?"
the bartender inquires.
"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man. "6 shots!
Are you celebrating something?"
"Yeah, my first blowjob."
"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."
"No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste,
nothing will."


A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to
a gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is
reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she
replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It
says that American Indians have the longest average penises and Polish
men have the biggest average penis diameters. By the way, my name is
Jane. What's yours?"

He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."



One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband gently taps his
wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over
and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow
and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries
to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife
again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist
appointment tomorrow too?"


A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the
alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make
you a deal. I will open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals
inside. Then the 'gator will close his mouth for one minute. He will
then open his mouth and I will remove my unit unscathed. In return for
witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the
bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's
open mouth. The 'gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a
minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on
the top of its head. The 'gator opened his mouth and the man removed his
genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his
free drinks
was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer.
"I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back
of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to
promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

SuperTomcat001
11-16-03, 15:24
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. After kissing each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you give me a blow job?"

Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!" "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"

"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!" "No way. It's just too risky!" "Oh please, please, I love you so much."

"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!" "Oh yes you can. Please?"

"No, no. I just can't" "I'm begging you ...

"

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need be, Mom says she can come down herself and do it. But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom."

SuperTomcat001
11-16-03, 15:25
Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the veterinarian's. One of the dogs was hanging its head and sighing.

The second dog turned to him and asked, 'What are you in here for, buddy?'

The dog looked depressed.
'I'm in big trouble,' he said. 'My owner has a really nice sports car with leather seats. I just love to go for rides in it. Well, the other day, he took me for a ride and I was so excited, I peed on the nice leather seat. Now he's having me put to sleep.'

'I know how you feel,' said the second dog. 'My owners have a beautiful, expensive oriental rug. The other day they were late getting home from work and I just couldn't help myself. I shit all over their nice carpet and ruined it. They're having me put to sleep too.'

Both dogs turned to the third dog in the waiting room.

'So what are you here for?' they asked.

'Well', said the third dog, 'my owner likes to do her housework in the nude. The other day, she was vacuuming and she knelt down to vacuum under the sofa and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and had the ride of my life.'

The other dogs nodded in sympathy.
'So she's having you put to sleep too, huh?'

'No,' said the dog, 'I'm having my nails clipped.'

Just_Shat
11-17-03, 14:34
Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."

She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, "How much?"

She says, "A hundred dollars."

He says "All I've got is thirty."

She says, "Hold on." She runs back to Harry and says, "What can he get for thirty dollars?" Harry says, "A handjob."

She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a handjob.

He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a simply HUGE penis. She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back." She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you loan this guy seventy bucks?

Admin
11-18-03, 10:42
The rules of Bedroom Golf.

Bedroom Golf is a game that has been played since time immemorial. However, because of the way layouts vary from, course to course, interpretation of local rules can be confusing, and uncertainties in terms of protocol, games can sometime end in dispute.

In order to promote harmony,the Bedroom Golf Sub-Committee of the Royal and Ancient Club of ST Randy's has developed the following rules;

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.

2. Play on course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf,the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

4. For most effective play,the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.

6. Again,unlike outdoor golf,the object is to take as many strokes as necessary, until the owner is satisfied play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied other course privileges and permission to play again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival. Experienced players will normally take time to admire the entire course, paying special attention to well formed mounds and bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing,to the owner of the course being played. Upset owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason, or ban the player from the course for life.

9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear on hand, just in case.

10. Players should not assume that the course is in shape to play at all times. Players may be embarrassed if they find the course temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.

11. Players should assume their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when playing a new course for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else is playing what they considered a private course.

12. The owner of the course is responsible for the pruning of any bushes, which may reduce the visibility of the hole.

13. Players are strongly advised to get the owner's permission before attempting to play the backside.

14. Slow play is,in fact,encouraged,however,players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace at the owner's request.

15. It is considered an outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

SuperTomcat001
11-19-03, 00:01
woman walks into a pharmacy, strolls over to the counter, and catches the pharmacist's attention. "Can I please get some arsenic?" she asks.
"Arsenic? What do you want arsenic for?" asks the pharmacist.

"It's for my husband," she replies.

"Your husband?" exclaims the pharmacist, "I hope you don't mean what I think you mean!"

She just nods.

"Well, lady," he replies, "I'm an honest man. I can't sell you arsenic, I wouldn't if I could, and I don't know what made you think you could just stroll into a respectable store and expect me to sell you arsenic!"

She doesn't say a word. She just reaches into her purse, fishes out a photograph, and hands it to the pharmacist. It is a picture of her husband, in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist slowly looks up over the counter, and then straight at her. "Lady," he says, "why didn't you tell me you had a prescription."

SuperTomcat001
11-19-03, 00:03
A woman goes to the doctor's office and says, "Doctor, I've got a strange problem and I need your opinion."
"Can you describe your symptoms?" he asks.

"Well, it's easier if I show you," she said and, standing up, proceeded to undress.

When she was down to her underwear, she sat on the edge of the examining table and spread her legs to reveal two small green circles on her inner thighs. "They don't hurt or anything, but I was a little worried about them."

The doctor peered closely at the two circles and asked, "Are you a lesbian by any chance?"

Embarrassed and slightly taken aback by this question, especially coming from a man with his head between her thighs, she replied, "Well yes I am, actually. Why do you ask?"

"Well, I'm afraid you'll have to tell your girlfriend that her earrings aren't real gold."

Chuponalgas
11-19-03, 00:14
Nurse: We are going to need a stool sample, a urine sample and a sperm sample.

Patient: Here, just take my underpants...

Dickhead
11-19-03, 18:09
In keeping with the time-honored American tradition of kicking a guy when he's down:

Q: What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a tall kitchen can liner?

A: One is white and dangerous to children and the other one is a garbage bag.

Q: What do Michael Jackson and an after-Christmas sale at Wal-Mart have in common?

A: Little boys' pants half off.

Hysteromania
11-23-03, 23:43
Q: What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?




A: Choke!

Baltimonger
12-07-03, 14:02
A white man steps up to a urinal in a public bathroom. He couldn't help but notice the black man next to him with an incredibly long penis. The white man askes him how he could get his penis to look just like the black man's. The black man says "easy, just tie a rope around the shaft, and dangle a ten pound weight from it. Wear it all the time, and you will eventually get the results you want". So the white man does exactly this. 2 months later, the black man and white man happen to bump into each other at the gas station. The black man asks him if the trick with the weight was working for him, to which the white man replied: "It's working great. I'm halfway there, it's starting to turn black".

Just_Shat
12-12-03, 14:33
In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. He was a hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh! If I go down three inches I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."

There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh! If that fly goes down three inches I can eat him."

There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh! If that fly goes down three inches... that fish will jump for the fly... and I will eat him."

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh!" he thought, "If that fly goes down three inches... and that fish leaps for it... that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and then have a proper lunch."

You probably think this is enough activity for one bank of a lake, but I can tell you there was more. A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh! If that fly goes down three inches... and that fish jumps for that fly...and that bear grabs for that fish... the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."

A cat, lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunchtime, "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish...and that hunter shoots that bear... and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich... then I can have mouse for lunch."

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water... The fish swallows the fly... The bear grabs the fish... The hunter shoots the bear... The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich... The cat jumps for the mouse... The mouse ducks...The cat falls into the water and drowns.

The moral of the story is.... whenever a fly goes down three inches... somewhere a pussy is probably in danger...

Gary Man
12-24-03, 01:50
Diary of a Snow Shoveler:

December 8 - 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9 - We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12 - The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. l don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14 - Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to-20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish l wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15 - 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16 - Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, Which I think was very cruel.

December 17 - Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her.Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20 Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came> by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22 - Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again.I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think theasshole is lying.

December 23 - Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24 - 6." Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel.. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a ***** who drives that snow plow I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a> 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.

December 25 - Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life"one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26 - Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27 - Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze, plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me 1,400 to replace all pipes.

December 28 - Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE ***** is driving me crazy!

December 29 - 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30 - Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver he is now suing me for a million dollars not only the beating I gave him but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. 9" of snow predicted.

December 31 - I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8 - Feel so good. I just love thse little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

HAPPY HOLIDAYS

Joe Zop
12-24-03, 05:07
So what's supposed to be funny about all that? Seems like a normal December to me... :D

Baltimonger
01-04-04, 18:07
Q: What do condoms and Kodak film have in common?

A: They both capture the moment.

Skinless
01-11-04, 02:42
Corporate Lesson

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road; he stopped and offered her a lift, which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg.

The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling
the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand.

Changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized, "Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129.

It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity.:)

Ken Kelova
01-11-04, 05:12
A bear and a rabbit were takin a shit in the woods one day and the bear turns to the rabbit and asks, "Say, does the shit stick to your fur?" to which the rabbit replies, "No it doesn't.".

So the bear takes the rabbit, and wipes his ass.

Kool Klyde
01-19-04, 03:54
A blonde comes into the bar and ask the bartender what kind of beer he has on draft. He looks kinda funny and replies" Bud, Bud Light, Mick, Mick Light, Coors and Coors Light, same as we've had the last three years you've been coming in here.

"Give me anything except Coors Light" she said.

As he pours her a Bud he ask "For three years you've been drinking Coors Light. Why the sudden change up?"

"The other night I had 17 Coors Lights and went home and blew chunks in front of my ol man."

Laughing the barkeep said "Hell, 17 of anything will make you blow chunks"

To which she replied "I don't think you understand, Chunks is my German Shepard!!"

Swiss Tiger
01-22-04, 04:17
From the BBC website.... (no offence to anyone on here, but this made me crease with laughter, and strangely I thought of this site as a perfect place to cut'n'paste)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rabbi issues internet sex prayer

An Israeli rabbi has composed a prayer to enable religious computer users to repent for visiting internet sex sites.
Shlomo Eliyahu, the chief rabbi of the town of Safed, said he was responding to a deluge of queries from worried Orthodox Jews, Israeli media reported.

The benediction reads: "Please God, help me cleanse the computer of viruses and evil photographs...so that I shall be able to cleanse myself."

Rabbi Eliyahu said Jews should recite the prayer when they log onto the web.

He also suggested devout surfers programme their computers to flash the prayer on the screen if they enter a pornographic website intentionally or by mistake.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jeez, I'm gonna be praying all day.... If I was jewish that is.... ;-))

Titman
01-25-04, 19:22
Guys, a true story, but funny:

I picked up a SW here in Seattle. Talked about price. She said, "I'm no $20 wh***". So I offered $25, and off we went.

T-Man

Zero
01-28-04, 22:30
Jesus and Moses were golfing one day. The third tee was a long water hole. As Jesus teed up his ball, Moses told him to take the drop. Jesus reassured Moses that he would make the green. He used his driver and hit the ball hard and straight... straight for the middle of the pond.

Jesus turned to Moses and asked if he could do that Red Sea thing again so he could retrieve his ball. Moses split the pond and Jesus retrieved his ball and returned to the tee off area.

Moses asked, "What in heaven's name are you doing?"

Jesus replied, "Relax, I'll make it this time."

Moses said, "Don't ask me to split the pond this time, just take the drop." Ignoring Moses, Jesus hit a beautiful drive that again fell short of the green, right into the pond.

Moses looked at Jesus and said, "Don't ask."

Jesus went out to the pond to retrieve his ball. He walked on the water to the middle of the pond, leaned over and picked up his ball. About the same time, another foursome came up to the tee box.

One golfer asked Moses in disbelief, "Who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?"

Moses replied, "No, Tiger Woods."

SuperTomcat001
01-30-04, 17:35
Once upon a time there lived a king.
The king had a beautiful daughter,the princess.

But there was a problem.Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what;metal, wood, stone,anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her.Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired.What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians.One wizard told the king,
"If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands,
she will be cured."

The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

The next day, he held a competition.Any man that could bring his daughter an
object that would not melt would marry herand inherit the king's wealth.
Three young princes took up the challenge.

The first prince brought a sword of the finest steel.
But alas, once the princess touched it,it melted.The prince went away sadly.

The second prince brought diamonds.He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.But alas, once the princess touched them,they melted.He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached.He told the princess,"Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there." The princess did as she was told,though she turned red.She felt something hard.She held it in her hand.And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed.Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question:
What was in the prince's pants?
(Scroll down for the answer)

V

V

V

V

V

V

V

V

M&M's of course.
They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

What were you thinking?

Zero
02-05-04, 00:05
Trip To The Zoo
One day, two ladies go to the zoo. As they walk by the monkey house, a gorilla reaches out and grabs one of the ladies. He pulls her into the cage and starts to hump her. The second lady rushes off and summons help to rescue her friend.

A few days later, the second lady visits her friend in the hospital. When she sees her in a hospital bed, she asks, "How are you feeling? Are you hurt?"

Her friend replies, "Of course I'm hurt, it's been two days and he hasn't called or anything!"

PsyberZombie
02-09-04, 18:50
Q. What do you do with 365 Used Condoms ??

A. Melt them down into a Tire ; and call it a Good·Year !!

Flip Mo
02-10-04, 22:30
An airplane takes off from the airport. The captain is Jewish and the first officer is Chinese. It’s the first time they’ve flown together and it’s obvious by the silence that they don’t get along.

After 30 minutes, the Jewish captain mutters, “I don’t like Chinese.”

The first officer replies, “You no rike Chinese? Why dat?”

“You bombed Pearl Harbor. That’s why I don’t like Chinese.”

“No, no, Japanese bomb Peahl Hahbah, not Chinese.”

“Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, it doesn’t matter. They’re all alike.”

Another 30 minutes of silence. Finally the first officer says, “No rike Jews.”

“Why not? Why don’t you like Jews?”

“Jews sink Titanic.”

“No, no. The Jews didn’t sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg.”

“Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg, no mattah. They all arike.”

Flip Mo
02-10-04, 22:31
One day in the locker room, Bob sees a fat man with a cork in his ass. Curious, he asks the man how it got there.

"Well," says the man, "I was walking along the beach when I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke and this great big guy in a turban came oozing out, saying, ‘I am a genie. I can grant you one wish.’ And I said, ‘No shit!’"

Flip Mo
02-10-04, 22:33
Nick The Dragon Slayer

Nick the Dragon Slayer had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death. One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had
shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the medicine to cure the itch. The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the medicine for the itching powder, which he quickly put it into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's
voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less, and knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King shooed him away with no payment made.

The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's loincloth. The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer.

The Moral of the Story: Pay your bills.

Flip Mo
02-10-04, 22:34
The Geography of a Woman and a Man

Between the ages of 18-21: A woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 22-30: A woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 31-35: She is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 36-40: A woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 41-50: She is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 51-60: She is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 61-70: A woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.

After the age of 71: They become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

The Geography of a Man

Between the ages of 15-70: A man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.

Flip Mo
02-10-04, 22:35
What’s the difference between a wife and a hippopotamus?

One has a big mouth and a fat ass, and the other one lives somewhere in Africa.

Flip Mo
02-10-04, 22:37
A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what she does with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed. The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money that he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest tits. Men are like that, you know.

Flip Mo
02-12-04, 20:30
With all your honor, dignity and moral strength, what would you do?

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. Please don't answer it without some serious thought. By giving an honest answer you will be able to test your moral strengths.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation, where you will have to make a decision one-way or the other.

Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and consider each line - this is important to the test's accuracy

You're in Florida...in Miami, to be exact. There is great chaos going on around you, caused by a major hurricane. With its almost unbearable winds there are huge waves of surging water all about you. You are an Associated Press photographer and you are in the middle of this great disaster. While you are in a safe location, for many others the situation is nearly hopeless.

You are a professional. You're trying to shoot very descriptive photos to tell the world about this disaster. There are houses and people floating around you, disappearing into the swirling waters. Nature is showing all its awesome power and is sweeping everything away.

Suddenly you see a woman in the water, fighting for her life, trying not to be taken away by the masses of water and sand. You move closer. She is now only 20 feet away. Somehow the woman looks familiar. Suddenly you recognize her - it's Hillary Rodham Clinton!

And you notice that the raging waters are about to sweep her away...forever. On a dock piling where you stand is a life preserver with 150 feet of line attached. Surely you can throw her the preserver and haul her in if you move quickly.

You now have two options. You can save her or you can take the most significant photo of your life. You can save the life of Hillary Rodham Clinton, or you can shoot a Pulitzer Prize winning photo, a unique photo, one that will make your career, portraying the death of one of the world's most powerful women.

And now here's the very important question:

(Please give an honest answer)

Would you select color film, or go with the simplicity of classic black and white?

Zero
02-18-04, 23:42
The Sex Of A Fly
A woman walked into the kitchen and found her husband walking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting flies," he responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" she asked.

"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell?"

He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."

Scary Bald Guy
02-19-04, 00:04
An Irishman, a Brit, and a Scot are sitting in a pub. Each orders a pint of Guinness.

The publican sets the pints down. By an astounding coincidence, three flies come buzzing in and land in the pints.

The Englishman wrinkles his face in disgust and pushes his pint away.

The Scot shrugs, picks the fly out of his pint, flicks it away, and drinks.

The Irishman picks the fly out of his pint, holds it over the glass, and screams "Spit it out, yer wee bastard!"

SuperTomcat001
02-25-04, 19:30
Rabbit Hunting

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

Then the FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

Then the LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten raccoon. The raccoon is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!

Zero
02-27-04, 00:44
The Missing Hat
A man spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday and sit at the back. During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door.

On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the 10 Commandments. He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out, he waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the minister.

"Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind."

The minister said, "Bless you, my son. Did you change your mind when I started to preach 'thou shall not steal'?"

The man responded, "No, it was the one about adultery. When you started to preach about that, I remembered where I left my hat."

Steve Thai I
02-27-04, 09:14
Fellow Monoger Types :

Be sure what you go to bed with before you do!

Source: Thai Rath

Monday, February 16, 2004

The horror of the morning after

PATHUM THANI: Some people may be familiar with the surprise of waking up on the morning of New Year’s Day to find an unexpected creature lying beside them in bed.

Few, however, take the trouble to report such incidents to the police. Fewer still are the cases where police haul the offending bedmate off to jail.

Pol Lt Col Sarawut Netriyanon, Superintendent at Tambon Suan Prik Thai Police Station, was as surprised as anyone on January 1 when he was called to a rented room by 23 year-old Thip Nethip, who said that there was a monstrous creature asleep on his bed.

Investigations swiftly established that the “monster” was a bright-green iguana, 50 centimeters long and weighing in at a meaty five kilograms. Not knowing what to do with the reptile, Col Sarawut took it back to the station.

Fearful that the vegetarian lizard might harm local children – iguanas have long, sharp talons – officers there locked up the creature in a prison cell while they waited for wildlife officials to come and collect it.

Priamos
03-05-04, 14:56
Ever so briefly: look at this one. True, the Germans are very permissive in all matters related to mongering, but this social assistance claim is nonetheless in a class of its own:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/3537071.stm

Havanaman
03-06-04, 05:25
Priamos,

Thanks! A very enjoyable read. At the very least a court has officially recognised that we all have "everyday needs"!

Regards, Havanaman

Ruf66
03-10-04, 02:31
What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

What makes up 100% in life?

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K =

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E =

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%


But, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E =

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%


And, B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T =

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%


AND, look how far ass kissing will take you!

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%



So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that:

While hard work and knowledge will get you close, and attitude will get you there, bullshit and ass kissing will put you over the top!!!

Ruf66
03-10-04, 02:36
Billy Connolly's "14 things I hate about everybody "

1.People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I
know where my watch is pal, where the f*ck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the
entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to
the TV and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". F*cking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of
course it is. Why the f*ck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?".
No tosser, I paid 10 quid to come the cinema and stare at the
f*cking floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really
give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's
new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an
improvement, then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What the f*ck?? Life is
the longest damn thing anyone ever f*cking does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet? . If the bus came would I be standing here, Kn*b head?

10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used
to be'. So what did they used to be? ears, Wellington boots?

11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that
nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks
that's an image I really didn't need.

13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you if
you don't insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering .....
It's has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks. Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you f*cking McTosser.

14 When you involved in a accident and someone asks 'are you alright?' Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be
off.

Ruf66
03-10-04, 02:42
Survivor Texas Style

Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Texas is planning to do its own, entitled "Survivor-Texas Style."

The contestants will start in Dallas, travel to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston and down to Brownsville. They will then
proceed up to Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to Midland, Odessa, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there, they'll proceed to Abilene, Ft. Worth, and finally back to Dallas.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that read: "I'm gay. I love the Dixie Chicks...I'm a vegetarian...I voted for Al Gore...George Strait Sucks...Hillary in 2004!...and I'm here to confiscate your guns!"

The first one that makes it back to Dallas alive wins.

Havanaman
03-14-04, 05:18
Ruf66,

Thank you, excellent memories brought back to life! I saw BC perform when I was a student.

Regards, Havanaman

Si Ma Yi
03-17-04, 00:29
Try this:

The moods of a woman

An angel of truth and the dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of wasps, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle a stranger alone in the house,
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in a rage, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk,
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.

The moods of a man

Hungry
Horny
Sleepy

* I am not the original author

SMY

PsyberZombie
03-21-04, 11:43
And you thought YOU were having a Rough Week !!

http://*******.com/2hou9

Tiny Elvis
03-24-04, 18:49
An irishman walks into a bar and says, you see that dock? Well I built it with my own hands. But do they call me paddy the dockmaker? NO! And do you see that barn? Well I built it with my own hands. But do they call me paddy the barnmaker? NO! And do you see that house? Well I built that house with me own hands. And do they call me Paddy the housemaker? NO!

But I FUCK ONE GOAT!

Tiny Elvis
03-24-04, 18:49
Two whales spot Japanese Whaler.

First whale: That's the bastard who killed my folks -- lets drown them!

Second Whale: "If they killed your folks let's do it!"

First: "We'll dive down then surface and blow the ship over with our blow-holes".
This they did but the sailors were still alive swimming for it.

First: "Shit! We'll have to swim up to them with our mouths open and swallow them all down!"

Second: "No way! I don't mind the blow-job but I'm not swallowing the seamen!"

Tiny Elvis
03-24-04, 18:50
A woman, getting married for the fourth time, goes to a bridal shop and asks for a white dress.

"You can't wear white.", reminds the sales clerk, "You've been married three times already."

"Of course I can, I'm a virgin!", says the bride. "Impossible", says the sales clerk.

"Unfortunately not", the bride explained. "My first husband was a psychologist. All he wanted to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynaecologist. All he wanted to do was look at it. My third husband was a stamp collector, God how I miss him"

Tiny Elvis
03-24-04, 18:50
A honeymooning couple had purchased a talking parrot and taken it to their room, where much to the groom's annoyance, the bird kept up a running commentary on their love-making. Finally the groom threw a large towel over the cage and threatened to give the parrot to the zoo if he didn't quit it.

The next morning, packing to return home, the couple couldn't close a large suitcase. The groom said, "Darling, you get on top and I'll try." That didn't work. Figuring they needed more weight on the lid, she said, "Sweetheart, you get on top and I'll try." Still no success.

Then he said, "Look. Let's both get on top and try."

At that point the parrot yanked away the towel and said, "Zoo or no zoo. This, I gotta see !!!"

Teegee
04-02-04, 00:48
The major of a greek village lies on his death bed. He calls for his wife. Maria he says, we have been over 50 years married and you have been a good wife to me for all that time but now that I am close to death I would like to know from you, have you been ever unfaithfull to me.

Well, she relplies; I need to admit only on two occasions, and only my dear husband in resons to help you. Help me?

Well yes, you remember when we got married and you wanted to buy the house and you were short of the money and couldnt get the loan. After I had a date with the bank manager and sacrefied myself, it worked out all right. Didnt it.

And the second time?

Remember when you stood for election as the major in the village and you were 86 votes short.

Flip Mo
04-06-04, 20:06
Alien Wisdom:

Two aliens landed in the New Mexico desert near a gas station that had been closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps, and the younger of the two aliens addressed it.

"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump of course didn't respond. The younger alien started to get mad at the lack of response and the older one said,

"I wouldn't push it if I were you".

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated the greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently,

"Greetings Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I will fire!"

The older alien again warned his comrade,

"You don't want to do that. You really don't want to make him mad!"

"Rubbish," replied the younger alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and fired.

There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared outwards and towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him in a burnt and crumpled mess 200 yards away in a cactus patch. Thirty-five Earth minutes later, when he finally regained consciousness, refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna, he looked dazedly up at the wiser one, who was standing over him, slowly shaking his big green head.

"What a ferocious creature," said the young fried one. "It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous??"

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler onto the crispy, peeling flesh and shared some knowledge.

"If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy," said the wise old alien, "When a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, you don't fuck with him."

Flip Mo
04-06-04, 20:16
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No, think of another wish."

The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish.

Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...."

The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"

My Alias
04-18-04, 09:25
If you ever thought you could be a porn star, click this link http://www.canal96.tv/games/?g=040406072001 to see if you can keep up with John Holmes. It's a Flash game that opens up in a separate window. I'm still trying to figure out the scoring, though, and I haven't reached the second level. I guess I need more practice. Happy shooting.

Hat Trick
04-21-04, 14:18
Okay, I’ll try to do this from memory the best I can:

An all girl Catholic school bus accidentally went off a cliff and everyone onboard died and went to heaven. Everyone lines up at the pearly gate await entrance with St. Peter guarding the gate.

The first little girl Jenny walks up to the gate and St. Peter asks her: “Little Jenny, have you ever had any sexual activity with a boy?”

Little Jenny replied: “Well, I once looked at a naked boy in a shower.”

St. Peter then said: “Ok, say 3 Hell Marys, wash your eyes with this holy water and go on through the gate.” Jenny does this and goes on through the gate.

Then the second little girl Tammy walks up to the gate and St. Peter asks her again: “Little Tammy, have you ever had any sexual activity with a boy?”

To which Little Tammy replied: “Well, I once gave a boy a hand job.”

St. Peter then said: “Ok, say 3 Hell Marys, wash your hand with this holy water and go on through the gate.” Tammy does this and goes on through the gate.

By the time the third little girl walks up to the gate there is some commotion in the back of the line and St. Peter sees little Amber pushing and shoving her way to the front of the line.

Curiously St. Peter asks her: “Little Amber, what is the matter? Everyone has to wait for their turn.”

Little Amber then replied: “The hell with the line, I got to gargle the holy water before Annie sticks her ass in it!”

Blind Lust
04-26-04, 15:18
My mongering career began at my bachelor party. I was 31 and about to marry with a woman whose level of sexual desire and creativity were less developed than my own. Still, the marriage would be warm, friendly, healthy and productive; in short, I thought that I’d manage to stay more or less content.

My best man had called a “dancer service” from the back pages of the local weekly free tabloid, and hired Crystal and Ginger, two bottle blondes with tiny titties and nearly adolescent bodies. Their faces were hard, experienced. Ginger was pushing 33, but Crystal was a taut 21.

Drinking, smoking, white-line party favors and full-body contact with the totally nude tarts ensued, with much wild nipple licking, girl on girl kisses, fingers on labia and clitties (no penetration gentlemen, please” $75.00 was paid to “Ginger,” the older, more shopworn of the two, for which the groom-to-be received a blowjob through a condom, a “CBJ” as it is called. The oral sex was, as I remember just average. But I was hooked.

My wife and I later visited a neighborhood bar, one owner of which was my wife’s former highschool classmate and a former prostitute. Chris was six feet tall and weighed at least three hundred pounds, two hundred of which was breast-weight. She cooed over my wife’s description of our recent wedding, oohed and aahed over our wedding photos, then turned to me and asked, “So, how did you like the blowjob you got from Ginger at your bachelor party?” It turns out that my best man had stupidly hired the girls from the outcall agency also owned and managed by Chris. She violated every accepted rule of prostitution regarding discretion, but my wife simply smiled and replied, "Well, that's over now. He's married." She forgave me. Did she forget? Not bloody likely.

The immoral of this story is: Know your provider, and make sure that she didn't graduate from high school with your wife. True story.

Blind Lust
04-26-04, 15:52
Q: What will they do to Michael Jackson if they catch him molesting another little boy? A: Give him his own parish.

Star69
04-27-04, 09:25
Jon was excited about his new rifle and wanted to try it out, so he went bear hunting. He spotted a small black bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder and he turned round to see a larger black bear.

The black bear said "You've got two choices, I either maul you to death or we have sex." Jon decided to bend over.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Jon soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip, found the black bear, and shot it. Immediately, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a big brown bear stood right next to him.

The brown bear said, "That was a huge mistake, Jon. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we'll have rough sex." Again, Jon thought it was better to comply.

Although he survived, it was several months before Jon finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the brown bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned round to find a gigantic grizzly bear standing there.

The grizzly bear said "Admit it, Jon, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

Clomonger
04-27-04, 16:51
eBay has a rather interesting auction this week. Some of us can probably relate to it. The link is:
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=4146756343#ebayphotohosting

Joe Zop
05-02-04, 11:05
In honor of the newish section:

One day mom was cleaning Junior's room, and in the closet she found an S&M magazine. This was very upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word. She finally asked him, "Well, what should we do about this?" Dad looked at her and said, "Well, I don't think you should spank him."

MeatMan
05-02-04, 11:22
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"

VilunyaChert
05-02-04, 18:59
The Lorain Morning Journal, out in Ohio, reports
a spa bust (it's still at
<http://www.morningjournal.com/site/news.cfm?newsid=11398410&BRD=1699&PAG=461&dept_id=46371&rfi=6> but who knows how long that will last):

On Friday night, Elyria police
arrested Un Suk McAndrews,
55, a manager at Oasis, and
employee Chuan Wang, 49, after they offered
''illicit sex'' to an undercover officer,
police Lt. Andy Eichenlaub said.

"Un Suk"? "Chuan Wang"? Riiiiiight.

Magic501
05-03-04, 02:27
VilunyaChert,

You may not be aware of this, but the name "Un Suk" is a common female name in Korea.

Thought you might want to know.

Crazy Jim Wood
05-03-04, 08:06
"Un Suk"? "Chuan Wang"? Riiiiiight.
There were also some complaints that one of the employees, Tu Yung Tu, was under age.

MeatMan
05-04-04, 16:47
A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed.As they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with a speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed the man a citation, and then as he turned to walk back to his cruiser, the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair. There were plenty of other cars around me going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"

"Ever go fishing?" the policeman asked the man.

"Yeah... so," the startled man replied.

The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch ALL the fish?"

CEO Morgan
05-04-04, 20:31
What to do with an ex-wife's wedding dress:

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=63851&item=4146756343&rd=1

Worf1972
05-05-04, 03:09
Man is reading the morning paper, wife walks up from behind and smacks him in the back of the head.

Man said, "Ouch, what you do that for?".

Wife says," I found this girl's number, Susie in your pocket".

Man says, " Honey I was at the horse races yesterday, Susie is the horse in the third race."

Wife says, " OH honey I am so sorry".

Later that night the man is watching the ball game on TV.
BANG!

Wife hits him over the head with the iron, knocks the man out completely. He wakes up and says, " honey why , why did you hit me?".

Wife says, " YOUR HORSE JUST CALLED!"

Worf1972
05-05-04, 17:58
Little boy goes, " mommy mommy today I am 11 years old".

Mommy says, "that's great".

Little boy runs into the other room and says," Uncle Micheal guess how old I am today"?

Uncle Micheal says, "come here and let me put my hands in your pants". After uncle Micheal pulls out his hands he says, "today you are 11 years old".

Little boy says," Wow Uncle Micheal how did you guess that"?

Uncle Micheal says, " I heard you tell your Mother in the other room".

Worf1972
05-05-04, 18:03
What did one gay guy say to the other gay guy at the bar?

"Excuse me sir, may I push your stool in"?

GuessWho
05-14-04, 16:50
A virgin couple is about to get married. The groom is very nervous about the honeymoon and turns to his best man and said "I've never had sex before, what do you do?" The best man being his friend said "the first night on your honeymoon I'll be in the hall outside you're room, when you get stumped act like you're going to the vending machine and I'll coach you through." "Great" said the groom.

That night the couple is in the room, the groom is washing up while the wife is laying naked in bed waiting impatiently. Now the wife has to take a dump and not wanting to disturb her husband she shits in a box from under the bed and flings it across the room.

The husband then finishes in the bathroom and heads for the bed. He steps in the box screaming "ahh there's shit in this box!" The friend in the hall yells "roll her over stupid!"

MeatMan
05-16-04, 11:28
A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, 'I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?' 'About 35,' was the reply. 'I'm actually 47,' the woman said, feeling really happy.

After that she went into McDonalds for lunch and asked the order taker the same question. He replied, 'Oh, you look about 29.' 'I am actually 47!' she said, feeling really good. While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question. He replied, 'I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age.

If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age. 'There was no one around, so the woman said, 'What the hell?' and let him slip his hand up her skirt. After feeling around for a while, the old man said, 'OK, You are 47.'Stunned, the woman said, 'That was brilliant! How did you do that?' The old man replied, 'I was behind you in line at McDonalds.'

Dickhead
05-30-04, 01:32
This year I got a sweater for my birthday. I was very disappointed; I was hoping for a screamer or a moaner.

MeatMan
05-30-04, 10:17
There were three prostitutes living together, a mother, daughter and grandmother. One night the daughter came home looking very down. "How did you get on tonight Dear?" asked her mother. "Not too good," replied the daughter.

"I only got $20 for a blow job." "Wow!" said the mother, "In my day we gave a blow job for 50 cents!" "Good God!" said the Grandmother. "In my day we were just glad to get something warm in our stomachs!"

Stoner
06-04-04, 23:18
Bad joke...I know. But dammit, I just had to. I couldn't resist.

Warpig2000
06-05-04, 12:41
First Date

A young girl was going on a date. Her
grandmother said: "Sit here and let me
tell you about those young boys.

He is going to try and kiss you, you are going
to like that, but don't let
Him do that.

He is going to try and feel your breast, you
are going to like that but
don't let him do that.

But most important, he is going to try and get
on top of you to have his way
with you. You are going to like that, but don't
let him do that. It will
disgrace the family." With that bit of advice,
the granddaughter went on her
date.

The next day she told grandma that her
date went just like she had
predicted:

Grandma, I didn't let him disgrace
the family. When he tried, I
just turned over, got on top of him, and
disgraced HIS family..."
Granny fainted

Baltimonger
06-05-04, 15:31
A soon to be seen gay wedding announcement in a Massachusetts newspaper:

Gerald Fitzpatrick to wed Patrick Fitzgerald.

Baltimonger
06-05-04, 15:34
If gays in Massachusetts are being given marriage licenses, how come lesbian couples aren't being given liquor licenses? :confused:

KC Questor
06-06-04, 08:59
A women walks into the drugstore and tells the pharmacist she wants to buy some arsenic.

He says, "What do you want with arsenic?"

She said, "I want to kill my husband because he cheats on me by having sex with another woman."

The pharmacist says, "I can't sell you arsenic so you can kill your husband lady, even if he is having sex with another woman."

So she reaches into her pocket and pulls out a picture of her husband having sex with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist says, "Oh, I didn't realize you had a prescription."

Freeler
06-09-04, 12:12
My wife and I were happy for thirty years.
Then we met.

Freeler
06-09-04, 12:16
And to celebrate my 700th post:

Why did God invent yeast infections?
So women would know what it is like to live with an irritating c**t.

GuessWho
06-10-04, 14:02
How do you know if a woman had an orgasm?

Who cares?

GuessWho
06-10-04, 14:10
Little Johnny was walking up the street one day when a guy pulls up in his car. Come in my car kid and I will give you a chocolate biscuit the man asked Johnny. Johnny replies give me the whole packet and I'll come in your mouth.

Havanaman
06-10-04, 15:20
Cringing I know, but worth it!

Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated.

Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at
the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.

The first man said, "My Benny loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky."

The second man said, "My Carl was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake."

The third man said, "My Jim was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear
my ass up just one more time."

MeatMan
06-12-04, 15:44
A man walks into a Pharmacy and says to the beautiful female teller, "Umm... err, I've never purchased condoms before, and I don't know what size to buy."

"That's okay. You can test your size on the fence out in back."

So the man walks out back and he sees three holes. Just as he prepares to stick his penis in the first hole, the beautiful teller sneaks over to the other side of the fence. The man sticks his penis through the first hole where it is gently caressed by the teller. Then he pulls it out and sticks it through the second hole where the teller begins to suck his penis and give him a blow job.

Then, finally, he pulls it out and sticks it in the third hole. The teller takes her vagina, wraps it around his penis, and begins to hump it. She quickly pulls up her pants and scurries back inside where the man is begining to stumble back in.

She starts to giggle and says, "Have you decided on the appropriate size?"

"Screw the condoms! Just give me 3 yards of that fence!"

Nat Zass
06-15-04, 21:53
Yes, an oldy but a goody!

What do you call the drug that lower's a women's sexual drive?

Wedding Cake!

Ludovico
06-18-04, 12:35
A little crude but relevant to some of our members.

What's green and eats nuts?

Syphellis!

Ludovico
06-18-04, 12:36
Two nuns were walking through Central Park, when a flasher jumped out from under a bush. One of the nuns had a heart attack and the other had a stroke!

Bradman
06-22-04, 08:36
I'm sure some folks have seen this one, but it made me laugh my ass off.

A salesman rang the bell at a home, and the door was opened by a nine-year-old boy puffing on a long black cigar.
Hiding his amazement, the salesman asked the young man, "Is your mother home?"
The boy took the cigar out of his mouth, flicked ashes on the carpet, and asked, "What the fuck do you think?"

Golfnutz
06-24-04, 10:32
Two sperm are swimming in a women''s body. One sperm says to the other in exhaustion, "Whew, Just how far is the uterus anyway?" The second sperm begins to laugh and says, " The uterus!? We just passed the esophogus."

Golfnutz
06-24-04, 10:38
A truck driver had a 2 day lay-over during the St. Patrick's Day holiday. He was getting bored with just sitting at the truck stop cafe, so he decided to go for a few beers. After about the 4th one, he had to use the bathroom badly. He went into the bathroom, and he was peeing, lhe ooked into the next stall and noticed a leprechaun whose penis was HUGE!

"Let me ask you something...how come short guys have bigger peckers than tall guys?"

In his heavy Irish accent, the leprechaun looked up and said, "I don't know laddy, i'm a leprechaun".

With that, the trucker reached out and grabbed him and said, "Well guess what? I caught ya!"

"Aye lad, that ya did, but your wishes won't come true until tomorrow morning".

The trucker was confused by this, "Why not? You're a leprechaun, I caught ya, so you are supposed to grant me 3 wishes."

"Well", began the leprechaun, "you don't know anything about us leprechauns. We get a day of the year off and it happens to be St. Patrick's Day." Well, the trucker understanding this made his 3 wishes. He wanted to own his trucking company, he wanted every woman he saw to desire his body and he wanted 10 million dollars in the bank, tax free. The leprechaun said it would be done in the morning. On his way out of the restroom, the leprechaun says, "Lad, would you like to have your wishes come true tonight?"

"Well yeah, but what's the catch?", came the reply. "Well, you gotta let a leprechaun corn-hole ya." The trucker, at first protested, but then the leprechaun reminded him of all that he would be gaining in few precious moments. Thinking about the money, the company becoming his and ALL those women, he agreed but told the leprechaun not to tell anyone. When it was all over, the leprechaun was getting ready to leave, turned to the trucker and said, "Laddy, can I ask ya a question?"

"Sure", says the trucker.

"How old are ya now?"

"I'm 40 years old" says the trucker.

With that, the leprechaun says, "You mean to tell me that you're 40 years old and still believe in leprechauns?"

MeatMan
06-24-04, 17:39
One morning, a woman was walking out of her front door when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too."

"My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies

"Fuck me!", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins?"

Gladiator
06-26-04, 21:00
An excellent line to chat up non-pros:

'Excuse me, do you want to fuck or should I apologise?'

Another one:

'Nice shoes. Wanna fuck?'

GuessWho
06-27-04, 22:50
MeatMan meets a girl on the street. He says, "Come on, babe, let's go in the alleyway and get it on. I've got fifteen bucks."

She says, "FIFTEEN bucks? You're crazy. For fifteen bucks, I'll let you LOOK at it."

They go into the alleyway, she pulls down her pants, and he gets down on his knees. But he can't see anything, because it's too dark, so he gets out his lighter. He lights his lighter, and he says, "My God, your pubic hair... it's so curly and thick... it's BEAUTIFUL."

She says, "Thank you."

He says, "You mind if I ask you a personal question?"

She says, "Go ahead."

He says, "Can you pee through all that hair?"

She says, "Of course."

He says, "Well, you better start. You're on fire."

GuessWho
07-01-04, 01:01
Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'

Miss Rogers:'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'

Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob".

GuessWho
07-01-04, 01:04
A boy sitting on Santas lap and Santa puts his finger on the boys nose and says "I bet your name is (spells out ) J i m m y ?"

The little boys eyes light up and Santa puts his finger on the boys nose again and says " I bet you want a (spelled out ) b i k e ?"

Little Jimmys eyes light up and he asks "How'd you know that ?"

Santa replied "Because I'm Santa I know everything".

Little Jimmy gets a funny look in his eye and says "I bet you like (spells out ) g i r l s ?"

Santa says "Yes, how'd you know that ?" The boy says " Beacause your finger smells like P U S S Y !"

GuessWho
07-01-04, 01:07
One night Little Johnny was really scared sleeping by himself at camp, so he sprints out of his tent and runs to his teachers tent and asks "Miss can I please sleep with you tonight ?".

His teacher replies "NO"

Johnny moans and says "But my mummy lets me".

"OK then, just for tonight" the teacher replies.

Johnny jumps into bed with her and asks "Miss can I please play with your belly button with my finger".

She again says "NO".

"But my mummy lets me" says Johnny again.

"Well I suppose it's OK" replies the teacher.

Things are silent for a few minutes until the teacher leaps up screaming "THAT'S NOT MY BELLY BUTTON"

Little Johnny replies "It aint my finger either".

MeatMan
07-06-04, 21:03
Once there was an old man sitting on a bench in the park crying. A younger man walked up to him and asked "What's wrong?" The old man replied "I am married to a sexy 21 year old woman who gives me two blowjobs a day and we have sex the minute I get home from work and right after dinner.

The young man had a strange look on his face and asked "What's so bad about that? It sounds to me like you have a great sex life." The old man replied "I can't remember where I live!"

GuessWho
07-09-04, 19:06
These two guys go to a whorehouse.

The first guy goes in then comes out and says,
"My wife is better."

The second guy goes in then comes out and says,
"You know what? Your wife is better."

MeatMan
07-12-04, 01:51
A husband and wife were having difficulty surviving financially so they decided that the wife should try prostitution as an extra source of income. The husband drove her out to a popular corner and informed her he would be at the side of the building if she had any questions or problems.

A gentleman pulled up shortly after and asked her how much to go all the way. She told him to wait a minute and ran around the corner to ask her husband. The husband told her to tell the client $100. She went back and informed the client at which he cried, "That's too much!" He then asked, "How much for a handjob?" She asked him to wait a minute and ran to ask her husband how much.

The husband said "Ask for $40." The woman ran back and informed the client. He felt that this was an agreeable price and began to remove his pants and underwear. Upon the removal of his clothing the woman noticed that the man was well hung.

She asked him once more to wait a moment. She ran around the corner again at which her husband asked "Now what?" The wife replied "Can I borrow $60?"

Rolly Polly
07-12-04, 07:34
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"

"None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

Rolly Polly
07-12-04, 07:35
Monica Lewinsky walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy, "I've got another dress for you to clean."

Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, "Come again?"

"No," says Monica. "Mustard."

Rolly Polly
07-12-04, 07:35
Q: Why do women fake orgasms?

A: They think we care.

Boxcc
07-12-04, 08:36
Q: What is the absolute last thing that goes through a bugs mind as it hits the windshield of your speeding car?

A: Its asshole!

El Chapin
07-13-04, 16:54
DEAR JOHN LETTER:

The ultimate response to a Dear John letter. You gotta love a man like this! Humor in the face of defeat.

A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break - up with him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girlfriend with the following note:

"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."

Dollar Bill
07-15-04, 10:55
Dear Connie,

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that.

But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says: "There's no one like you, Connie." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close.

Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19; with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete?

And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is. So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry.

And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing. That gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you? It's true, Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can. If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.

Otherwise, can you let me know where the fucking remote is?

Love,
Dan

GuessWho
07-16-04, 18:24
Oh shit, those two letters had me laughing way too hard!

Daddy Lows
07-21-04, 14:39
DB,

Great letter. I especially liked the younger sister bit. But that's just me. ;-}

Here's a famous quote:

RANDOM TIDBITS

Ovid (43 B.C.-A.D. 18) made the following observation about
2,000 years ago: "Women are always buying something."

Peace

James D 2004
07-23-04, 22:56
Can't forget, can't forget
Can't forget your wrong
Can't forget your good
Can't forget walking in the rain
And can't forget embracing in the wind

Can't forget, can't forget
Can't forget your tears
Can't forget your smile
Can't forget the depressed falling leaves
And can't forget the blooming flowers' pain

The long lonely passage
Now crystal lit by the slanted moon
The desolate swing
Now swaying in the wind
It repeated your last words
Saying forget it, forget it
It whispered my sad song
Saying it's hard, it's hard

Can't forget, can't forget
Can't forget that spring ended
Can't forget that the flowers grew old
Can't forget the taste of separation
And can't forget the mutual craving blues

Hat Trick
07-24-04, 14:00
Nice poem.

How about this one:

Roses are red
Violets are blue
White girls are white
And I'll come all over you

MeatMan
07-26-04, 17:55
A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town out in the South. She orders the chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast she starts to choke on a chicken bone.

Buford Buck's 2 country boys in the next booth notice she is choking. So they get up and go over to help her. Buford drops his overalls and bends over and then Buck starts licking his butt.

The choking woman watches these two go at it and is so grossed out she starts spewing up all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat.

Buford pulls his overalls back up and says to Buck "You're right, that hind-lick manoeuvre works like a charm."

Daddy Lows
07-27-04, 03:26
Piece on Earth and good will towards men.

Hat Trick,

Nice poem. Short and to the point.

Rock Dog
07-27-04, 07:55
On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere,
the following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a shipwreck:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman

One month later on these same absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating
visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't getting laid either.

The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, and another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a
restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide
because the American woman keeps endlessly complaining about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfillment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and
treated her nicer than they do; but how her relationship with her mother is improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.

Hope you got a laugh out of this one,

Rock

Silver Shadow
07-28-04, 23:47
New sperm is traveling from the testes to the vas deferens, waiting for the moment of ejaculation. It's beginning to get crowded, and they are all hoping their chance will arrive soon.

They know that while there are millions of competitors, only one will be the first to swim into the cervix and impregnate the egg. They are doing calesthenics to build up their strength, as each wants to win the race.

Their instincts tell them that the big moment is about to arrive, and they are all poised for the race.

The gland is triggered, and the event is on. They are madly swimming, eager to be the lucky winner. One sperm pulls ahead, and strains to increase his lead.

Suddenly he stops and yells to the multitude of competitors, "GO BACK - GO BACK - IT'S A BLOW JOB!"

Dickhead
07-29-04, 15:40
A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that
she is staying home because she is not feeling well. "What's the matter?" he asks. "I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice. "What the hell is anal glaucoma?"
"I can't see my ass coming into work today."

Dickhead
07-30-04, 18:39
Q: How can you tell when it's bedtime at Neverland?

A: When the big hand is on the little hand.

Arlogu
07-30-04, 23:25
Smart Bride,

The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first love-making encounter.

In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, he thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, furs, make up, etc.

Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state.

Over the next few minutes she heard of the ravages of financial ruin caused by corporate down sizing and its effects on a 50 year old executive.

Calmly, she handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest for 30 years totaling nearly $1 million dollars.

Pointing across the parking lot, she gestured toward the local bank while handing him stock certificates worth nearly $4 million dollars and informing him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank.

She told him that for 30 years she had charged him each time they had sex, and this was the result of her investments.

By now he was distraught and beating his head against the side of the car.

She asked him why the disappointment at such good news and he replied, "If I had known what you were doing, I would have given you all of my business!"

Hi,

This is just a suggestion, so please don't take it the wrong way.

I appreciate the details in your report, but I know from experience that a lot of people find it easier to read a report if the paragraphs are separated by a single blank line.

I know how this happens: You're banging away at the keyboard, putting your thoughts into the report as fast as you can write them. However, if you could hit the return key TWICE at the end of each paragraph, your report would be much easier to read, which would certainly be appreciated by your fellow Forum Members.

Thanks,

Jackson

Macgoo
08-01-04, 08:43
Since I'm a joke junkie, thought others here may enjoy a laugh too. This was posted in the Cuba Politics section, let Saint know if you like it!


Saint: 07-31-04 04:38, If you want a good laugh about Bush/Kerry you can view the link below. Good luck.

www.jibjab.com/thisland.html

Lorenzo
08-02-04, 02:16
A guy who has just gone through a bitter divorce is walking along a beach. He spots an old lamp, rubs it, and a genie comes out. The genie thanks him for freeing him from the lamp. He tells him that he will grant him any 3 wishes he wants, but warns him that for each wish that is granted, the guy's ex-wife will get double.

The guy then asks for a billion dollars in cash. The genie waves his hands and sure enough, a billion dollars in cash appears right in front of him. Just then, he hears his ex-wife screaming with delight a little way down the beach and sees that she has gotten two billion dollars.

The guy then asks for a huge mansion to live in, and this is immediately granted. Then he hears his ex-wife screaming with the delight, and sure enough, he sees that she has been given a mansion twice as large as his. The genie then tells him that he has one wish left.

Then the guy says,"OK, here's my last wish. I'd like to be beaten half to death."

Rock Dog
08-08-04, 13:26
Ok guys,

I made this one up from actual singles ads. I noticed that women tend to use a lot of code language. It helps them to describe what they really want in a more appealing way.

I spent a little time deciphering some of their terms.
Here's some examples.

What the girl says What it really means

I am Highly creative I think I'm kind of smart

I'm easily approachable I think I'm friendly

I'm into sports, yoga, pilates, etc. I think I have a nice body

I need time to get to know you I won't put out unless
you have what I want

Friends first, and then I like to keep my options
who knows? open

I like to have my own space I don't want you to be
sometimes around all the time, especially
during PMS

I enjoy fine dining I want you to take me out to
nice restaurants

I enjoy travel I want you to take me on
trips to nice places

You should have goals, ambition, I want a man with a good-
plans, etc. paying job


You should know what you want If you don't have that
in life job yet, you should at
least be on your way

An interest in fitness is a plus I want a guy with a nice
body

I'm tired of the games My last three boyfriends
fucked around on me

No players accepted My last three boyfriends
fucked around on me

I've learned from my past My last three boyfriends
realtionships fucked around on me

I'm looking for a man who loves I have three kids from
children my last three boyfriends


I don't have time for childish I want to get married
games before I get too old

I want a man who is serious I want to get married
before I get too old

I'm looking for my soulmate I watch way too many
soap operas

I'm a diva, have diva qualities etc. I'm a spoiled bi**h

raybones99
08-10-04, 16:07
Some English humor.


This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town and says, "Where's the god damn, mother fucking Manager you cock sucking arse wipe." The waiter is naturally taken aback and replies, "Excuse me, sir, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."


The manager comes over and the bloke asks, "Are you the chicken fucking manager of this bastard joint?". "Yes, sir, I am," replies the manager, "and I would prefer it if you could refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant".

"Fuck off!" replies the bloke. "And where's the fucking piano?"

"Pardon?" says the manager.

"Fucking deaf as well are we? You little piece of sniveling shit, show us your pissing piano."

"Ahhhh," replies the manager. "You've come about the pianist's job," and shows the bloke to the piano. "Can you play any blues?"

"Of course I fucking can," and the bloke proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky tonk blues that the manager has ever heard.

"Why, that's superb, what's it called?"

"I want to fuck your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting my knob," replies the pianist.

The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The bloke proceeds to play the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard.

"Magnificent!" cries the manager. "What's it called?"

"I wanted a wank over the washin' machine but my bollocks got caught in the soap drawer".

The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads, the bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody.

"And what's this called?" asks the manager.

"As I fuck you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy ring-piece," replies the bloke.

The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers.

This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night, sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his eyes on. She's wearing an almost see through dress, her tits are almost falling out the top and the skimpy little 'G' string she's wearing is riding up the crack of her arse. She is sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots and the butter is dripping down her chin! It's too much for the bloke and he runs off to the bogs to 'wrestle with his bald headed champ'. He's pulling away furiously when he hears the manager's voice...

"Where's that bloody pianist?"

He just has time to shoot his bolt and in a fluster he runs back to the piano, not having bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts playing some more tunes. The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear:

"Do you know your knob and balls are hanging out your trousers and dripping spunk on your shoes?".

"Know it," the pianist replies, "I fucking wrote it!"

Jeanster
08-14-04, 01:26
Three samurai are sitting around comparing swordsmanship and they decide to have a little contest to see who is best.

The first samurai takes out his sword and "swoosh", a dead fly cut in half falls to the floor.

The second samurai takes out his sword and "swoosh", a fly is sputtering on the floor with its wings cut off.

The last samurai takes out his sword and "swoosh", nothing seems to have happened. The other two samurai start to laugh at him. And in response, the last samurai said "I cut off the fly's penis".

raybones99
08-14-04, 02:56
Another reason we enjoy the hobby so much.

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "a code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word "typewriter."

One day the husband told his five year old daughter,"Go tell your Mommy that daddy needs to type a letter." The child told her Mom what her dad said and her mother responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now because there's a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what Mommy had said.

A few days later the Mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now." The child told her father, and then returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind he already wrote the letter by hand."

Rock Dog
08-14-04, 21:35
Here's something that I just read. After I thought about it for a bit, I realized it was kinda funny!

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free
is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.

Benchseats Rock
08-15-04, 00:57
Three Vampires walk into an English Pub.

The first one orders a Merlot.
The second orders a Cabernet.
The third orders hot water.

The other 2 look at him and say "going soft in your old age?"

The drinks arrive at that moment and the third pulls out a used tampon and replies, "Tea."

Rock Dog
08-15-04, 14:33
A rich-looking guy walks up to a beautiful woman at a party. He asks her "Will you have sex with me for a million dollars?" She thinks about it for a second and says "For a million? Sure I will!"

Then he asks her if she'll do it with him for a hundred dollars. She says " Hey, what kind of woman do you think I am?" The guy says " We know what kind of woman you are, now we're just settling on the price."

:D

MeatMan
08-15-04, 20:22
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."

Baltimonger
08-17-04, 17:23
2 old bits from Buddy Hackett:

"One time I went to a massage parlor. The Mamasan asks me if I want a 'wax job'. I said 'what's a wax job?' She says 'all American man love wax job'. So she proceeds to bring my soldier to attention with her hand and places it on a block of wood. She then takes another block of wood in her hand and brings it down onto my equipment with all her might. WHAM! All the wax went shooting out of my ears."

"One time I was in New York. I went to the point and picked up a hooker. She asked me if I wanted a 'penguin job'. A said 'what's a penguin job?' She said 'you'll love it'. She takes me into an alley, drops to her knees, and pulls my pants down around my ankles. While tending to my soldier, she reaches into my pants pocket, grabs my wallet, and runs. I chase after her with my pants around my ankles waddling like a penguin."

ReallyaNiceGuy
08-18-04, 00:53
I saw this in my local paper and found it kind of funny. Talk about thinking with the his little head.

Agoura Hills

A man who lives on Aries Street was leaving work at 1 a.m. July 21 when he found a female Hispanic, 22, sitting on the ground and crying. She said she had been kicked out of an apartment and had nowhere to go. The local resident offered to let her spend the night at his home and she accepted. In the morning, the female (5-7, 125) stole the victimÕs car valued at $100,000 while he was taking a shower.

Mike

GuessWho
08-20-04, 10:16
A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him." They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also." They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one." The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."

GuessWho
08-20-04, 10:20
Two couples had gone away for the weekend. The two guys, Jack and Bill, have decided to try to persuade their wives to do a bit of partner swapping for the night. After several drinks that night they succeed.

Jack knows it's that time of the month for his wife and the thought of Bill not knowing this makes him smile. The guys agreed that when they sit around the breakfast table the following morning, they will tap their teaspoons on the side of their coffee mug the number of times that they did it with each other's wives.

The next morning they are all at the breakfast table, slightly hung over and quite uncomfortable, when Jack proudly taps his teaspoon 3 times against his coffee mug. After a brief moment of thinking, Bill takes his teaspoon and taps it once on the strawberry jam and 3 times on the peanut butter!

GuessWho
08-20-04, 10:21
A man is at the dentist's for a check-up. As the dentist leans over, he asks, "Well... So you had oral sex this morning?" "How did you know?" asks the man, embarrassed but also amazed at his dentist's perception. "Was it the smell on my breath?" "No" says the dentist. "Well, did you see a pubic hair caught in my teeth?" asks the man. "No" says the dentist. "Well, what then? How did you know?" asks the man, losing patience. The dentist says "There's a little bit of shit on the end of your nose."

GuessWho
08-20-04, 10:23
MeatMan was walking down the boardwalk in Atlantic City and he runs into a hooker. He says, "How much?" She says "Twenty bucks." He says, "All right." They climb down under the boardwalk, and he bangs her. The next night, he runs into the same hooker, they go under the boardwalk, only this time while he's banging her, she blasts two incredible farts. When they get done, he hands her twenty-five dollars. She says, "What's the extra five?" He says, "That's for blowing the sand off my balls."

James D 2004
08-22-04, 02:26
I find this lyrics rather humorous:

Dip it low
Pick it up slow
Roll it all around
Poke it out like your back broke
Pop pop pop that thing
Ima show you how to make your man say "Ooo"

But I think they are serious, they can sing and dance at that. If someone knows how it was done, please tell me.

Bad Pnoy
08-24-04, 09:56
The reason i went with the hobby

A man wearing a mask bursts into a sperm bank with a shot gun. "Open the safe!" he yells at the girl behind the counter.

"But we're not a real bank" replies the girl. "This is a sperm bank, we don't hold money".

"Don't argue just open the safe or I'll blow your head off!" She obliges and opens the safe door.

"Take one of the bottles and drink it!"

"But it's full of sperm" the girl replies nervously.

"Don't argue, just drink it" he says.

She prys off the cap and gulps it down.

"Take out another one and drink it too!" he demands.

The girl drinks another one.

Suddenly the guy pulls off the mask and to the girl's amazement it's her husband.......

"Not that damn difficult, is it?" he says.

MeatMan
08-25-04, 09:24
A man wearing a mask bursts into a sperm bank with a shot gun. "Open the safe!" he yells at the girl behind the counter. "But we're not a real bank" replies the girl. "This is a sperm bank, we don't hold money". "Don't argue just open the safe or I'll blow your head off!" She obliges and opens the safe door. "Take one of the bottles and drink it!"

"But it's full of sperm" the girl replies nervously. "Don't argue!, just drink it!!" he says. She prys off the cap and gulps it down.

"Take out another one and drink it too!" he demands. The girl drinks another one. Suddenly, the guy pulls off the mask and to the girl's amazement, it's her husband.......

"Not that damn difficult, is it?" he says.

Migrant One
08-26-04, 10:28
One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was
wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.

The demon asked, "Why so glum?"

The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a
lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"

"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."

"Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we
do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca.
We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"

The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."

"You a smoker?" the demon asked.

"You better believe it!"

"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars
from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! . If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?"

"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"

The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."

"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."

"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps,
blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?"

The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't
mean

"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a
great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a
submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"

"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his
situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

The demon said, "You gay?"

"No."

"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"

migrant

Mykonos Lover
08-27-04, 03:15
One day a WV man goes to the doctor with his daughter for a sore throat. The doctor takes the girl to the back for an examination. A short while later he comes out and tells the father that she just has a mild case of Strep. He then asks the father "Did you know your daughter was sexually active?" The father replies "Hell No! She lays there still as a log just like her Momma!"

Freeler
08-30-04, 13:26
Y'all,

F:Dck you if you don't like this:

http://www.jokaroo.com/ecards/funny/historyofthefword.html

Requires some kind of flashplayer but will, after downloading, play in IE...

James D 2004
08-31-04, 00:39
Remember my joke poems?

Love, circulating my heart
Don’t know how many layers
Hate, sowed by whom?
Love and hate
Can’t sort out the two
Hate within love
Gratitude and blame equally weighted

Forgetting love
Giving up beloved

True heroes in the world
Ordinary people just let love and hate fill the heart
Can’t forget your deep love
Though I have hate
Thinking about each other
But can’t be together

Love like the sky
Thousands of miles wide
Hate like the sea
Hundreds of angry waves
Want to be together but impossible
Can’t separate either
Love and hate fill my chest

Blurred and wandering
Pain, don’t know how many thousand layers
Hate, when will it end?
Dragon Slaying Saber, Sky Propping Sword can’t cut apart
Lost and dream in my heart

raybones99
09-01-04, 15:30
BASIC RULES FOR DRIVING IN CALIFORNIA

1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real California driver never uses them.

2. Under no circumstance should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be
filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

4. Never, ever, come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will result in you being rear-ended. (That's why they call it a California Stop)

5. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving you a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.

6. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to scare people entering the highway.

7. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as a suggestion and are apparently not enforceable in California during rush hour.

8. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a California driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

9. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire or getting a ticket.

10. Learn to swerve abruptly. California is the home of the high-speed slalom driving, thanks to the State Highway Department, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.

11. It is traditional in California to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light turns green.

12. Remember that the goal of every California driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.

13. In the California area, "flipping someone off" is considered a polite California salute. This gesture should always be returned.

______________________________________________
Basic motto of the true California driver:
"Who are all these people, and why are they in my way?"

raybones99
09-01-04, 15:33
It takes an Italian Man to make a Woman feel like a Woman...

On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a
severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to
worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.

Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own
peril.They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front
of the plane.

Then an Italian man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is
gorgeous: tall, well built, with jet black hair and blue eyes. He
starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt.....one
button at a time.

No one moves.

He removes his shirt. His muscles ripple across his chest.

She gasps...

And then he whispers in her ear:

"Iron this, and get me something to eat...."

raybones99
09-03-04, 18:36
This will reinforce your daily underrstanding of the woman folk.............

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:

40-ish............................................49
Adventurous...................................Slept with everyone
Athletic..........................................No tits
Average looking.............................Ugly
Beautiful.........................................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile...........................Does a lot of pills
Emotionally Secure.........................On medication
Feminist.........................................Fat
Free spirit.....................................Junkie
Friendship first...............................Former ****
Fun................................................Annoying
New-Age........................................Body hair in the wrong
places
Old-fashioned.................................No BJs
Open-minded.................................Desperate
Outgoing........................................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate....................................Sloppy drunk
Professional...................................*****
Voluptuous.....................................Very Fat
Large frame...................................Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate...........................Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You'd better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

Freeler
09-04-04, 08:40
Man is incomplete until he gets married, then he is finished.

Rock Dog
09-04-04, 10:42
Hope you guys enjoy this little list:

Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A; None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Q: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up women?
A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Q: Why do women have smaller feet then men?
A: So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Q: How do you fix a women's watch?
A: You don't. There's a clock on the oven.

Q: Why do men pass more gas than women do?
A: Because women don't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling
at the front door, which do you let in first?
A: The dog of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in.

Q: What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig?
A: A women who won't do what she's told.

Q: What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
A: Pregnant.

Q: What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
A: Divorced.

Joe Zop
09-04-04, 21:13
Ah, Freeler, Zsa Zsa Gabor, one of my favorites!

A couple of quotes from another Hollywood type, Clint Eastwood:

"They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning."

and..

"There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again."

Freeler
09-05-04, 02:09
Joe Zop,

That made me look up Zsa Zsa in Google and guess what:

http://www.workinghumor.com/quotes/zsa_zsa_gabor.shtml
Humorous Quotes attributed to Zsa Zsa Gabor
1918-, Hungarian-born American Actress:

-A girl must marry for love, and keep on marrying until she finds it.
-A man in love is incomplete until he he is married. Then he's finished.
-Getting divorced just because you don't love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.
-Husbands are like fires--they go out when unattended.
-How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
-I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
-I never hated a man enough to give him diamonds back.
-If I would believe what I read about myself, I would hate my guts too.
-I want a man who's kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?
-Macho does not prove mucho
-Personally I know nothing about sex because I've always been married.
-To a smart girl men are no problem -- they're the answer.

BodyRockerForU
09-05-04, 04:33
Austin Powers Pick-Up Lines . (Hope this is not already posted here, if yes then pls excuse as I haven't read the complete forum)

1. I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.

2. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Lets get you out of those wet clothes.

3. Nice legs .... What time do they open?

4. Do you work for the post office? I thought I saw you checking out my package.

5. You've got 206 bones in yo! ur body, want one more?

6. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

7. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

8. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?

9. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.

10. Wanna play army? I'll lie down and you can blow ! the hell outta me.

11. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.

12. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

13. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.

14. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even further for that thing you do with your tongue.

15. If it's true we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.

16. (Look down at your crotch) Well, It's not just going to suck itself.

17. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.

18. You, Me, Whipped cream and Handcuffs. Any questions?

19. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.

20. My name is .... , remember it, you'll be screaming it later.

21. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk past again?

22. I know milk does the body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?

23. Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?

24. Do you wash your pants in Mr Sheen because I can see myself in them?

BodyRockerForU
09-05-04, 04:35
What is the difference between girls aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48,58 & 68 ??

At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!!

BodyRockerForU
09-05-04, 04:49
Again Excuse me if it has been posted already :

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me,and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear.

It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."

I was stunned.

I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door.

I opened the door and stepped out of the house.

I walked straight towards my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.

We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car. :-)

MeatMan
09-05-04, 10:46
A guy says to his wife, "I'm in the mood for some 69."

She says, "It's that time of the month, but if you don't care, I don't care." They go into the bedroom, and are 69'ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings.

She says, "Answer the door. He says, "But my face is a mess."
She says, "It's just the postman. Answer the door, and if he says anything, just tell him you were eating a jam sandwich."

He opens the door and says, "I'm sorry about my mouth, I was eating a jam sandwich."

The mailman says, "I wasn't looking at the jam on your mouth...I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead."

Rock Dog
09-06-04, 02:15
I got a good laugh out of this one,

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off the bus at the next stop.

When the bus starts on it's way the driver says to the hippie, "I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you". The hippie says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and pray's to God. If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are god and you could command her to have sex with you.

The hippie decides this is a great idea, so on Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up. At midnight sure enough the nun showed up, while she was in the middle of praying the hippie jumped out from hiding and says. "I AM GOD" I have heard your prayers and I will answer them BUT, first you must have sex with me. The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church. The hippie agrees to this and has his way with the nun.

After the hippie finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts "Ha, Ha Ha I'm the hippie!" Then the nun jumps up and shouts "Ha Ha Ha I'm the bus driver!"

Rock Dog
09-06-04, 13:35
A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.